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Alexander Martin:
Dominant or submissive, it takes a lot of bravery to be who you are. As a submissive it takes a lot of bravery to leave your body in the care of another man, especially one who is about to beat you with a cane (for example). As a dominant, it takes a lot of bravery to embrace exactly who you are and the responsibility of taking ownership for another person’s life and safety.
It requires bravery to go after what you want with kinky sex and I’m going to give some tips to get yourself in the right headspace to go for what you want. Some of this is going to come from a very dominant space, but I hope that submissives can utilize some of this advice for themselves.
- I’m scared: Admit it, you are scared. Say it aloud. You want to know exactly what it is that scares you about what you’re about to do. Precision is key here because knowing your fear is the first step towards defeating it. Fear is healthy, normal, and everyone experiences it and we all get past it somehow. That means you will beat it, we all beat it, which makes fear a lot less of a scary opponent in my mind.
- What’s the worst that can happen: Great, now that you know, wad that paper up and toss it in the can. That won’t happen. But you still want to know what your most extensive fear around what you’re doing is because you need to tackle that fear in order to get it under control.
- Have a plan: One of the things I discovered about myself was that the mere act of having a plan in place to counteract a bad situation made me WAY less stressed. Identifying that worst fear, how it could worst spin out of control and coming up with a realistic plan to deal with it and seeing it can be conquered is immensely soothing.
- Make decisions: This one requires some self discipline. You need to decide to do something, and make sure you follow through on it no matter what. If you want to meet a hot dominant that you’ve always wanted to play with you have to follow through on it no matter what. If you really badly want to tie up a bottom but are afraid you just aren’t there yet with your rope skills. DO IT ANYWAYS! You may not be able to do it the first time, but you can always try again. Never give up.
- Anxiety into excitement: The jittery feeling from anxiety that people find overwhelming can be channeled into excitement. You need to use that sensation to pump yourself up for what you’re going to do. Be POSITIVE. Tell yourself you’re going to be awesome. That you’re going to have a great time. That you’re going to do this and it’s going to go well. Anxiety develops into a sick to the stomach feeling only if you let it. Psych yourself up.
- Confidence building: At least specifically as it deals with BDSM. Often times what’s scariest is doing an activity for the first time. The first time I dominated a boy I was quite scared. I was scared that he wouldn’t obey me, or that he would call me a fraud and storm out, that he’d tell everyone I was no dominant and I’d never get another submissive again. When I did it he actually had a really excellent time. I did some play with him he’d never done before (wax play) and he enjoyed the experience enough that he came back for a second play session.
- You won’t be perfect: We have a lot of expectations that everything is going to be a success. Failure is often treated as the enemy. Failure in reality is part of the process of learning. If I tie a wrist wrap and I tie it too tight you’ll lose circulation in your hands. If I learn this lesson early when I’m practicing the tie, my tie is improved by learning how to make it both binding and comfortable. For the record two fingers side by side laid flat between the skin and the tie is the proper amount of space in a binding to prevent circulation loss. Accept that you’ll make mistakes here and there and that those mistakes improve your future efforts. It’s nothing to get upset about.
- Fail better: As shown above there is something to learn from your failures on how to improve your skills or build your confidence. Having failed at first but then having repeated success going forward is key to conquering fear. There’s nothing to fear when you’ve proven to yourself you can do it. So the trick is to get the most out of failures. Assess the situation with friends and see if you can get different viewpoints. They may not always be correct, but getting the most well rounded perspective on a failure can lead to incredible insights. Friends are especially good resources because they WANT you to succeed. Lastly, if you’re really not sure what you’re supposed to have learned from a situation, see if there is literature or writing on an issue you failed on that you may be able to incorporate to learn to get more out of failure.
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