What to look for in a Sir

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

Like a lot of what I write, I thought that this might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I hope it can also serve to help readers think about exactly what it is they’re looking for. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.

I am in no way judging ANYONE for not having any of these traits.

When you’re looking for a partner of any kind, it is vital to know what traits are REQUIRED and what traits would be nice to have. Knowing in advance this information allows you to sort through dominants more quickly and with less heart(ass)-ache afterwards. You’ll learn and develop that list as you date and fuck your way through kinksters. Remember, everyone (boys and Sirs) talk so don’t do anything that is unbecoming behavior.

- Knowledge: Your dominant should have knowledge about how to carry out his favorite kinks and safely. Looking for a caning? Then your dominant should probably know not to strike in line with your spine. Everyone starts somewhere! If he has no experience, readings could be a useful insight and provide some of the information he needs to know. That’s why you’re reading this entry! See if he’s done any reading or research on either his kink or dominance in general.

- Experience: This particular point varies in importance. If you want a bare handed spanking? There’s only so much damage he can do to your ass that way. If you’re graduating to caning you want to assess how much experience he has. Experience matters with play so ultimately you don’t end up hurt. Experience also leads to a more enjoyable experience as someone who knows what they’re doing is better able to do will create an experience deliberately, and there will be less stumbling during the scene.

- Confidence: As I already said, everyone starts somewhere! Yet, a dominant who is confident in who he is, what he’s doing, and how he wants to do it is not only sexy… it helps ensure you’ll actually find someone waiting for you when you arrive to play. The main reason I am a proponent of confidence, is because I’ve found that behaving confidently, (even when I stumble) helps preserve the headspace in the scene and covers for stumbles. So even if your dominant is new and makes mistakes, confidence will smooth out the experience.

- Listens: This should be VITAL to everyone reading this post. If you’re going to give your submission to a Sir, he should be clearly indicating he takes that trust seriously. Having to repeat yourself multiple times, re-clarify points, or instances where proves he didn’t understand what you said are all worrying. How can you relax and invest trust in someone who isn’t listening to your needs.

- Limits: A dominant that knows his limits, and actively asks after yours should be treasured. I fully understand the idea of “I have no limits as a sign of my submission”, but with respect I feel that’s either fantasy, or best saved for someone you have known for years and have a strong relationship with. A dominant who avoids talking about limits and seems generally dismissive of the topic is not someone I would advise meeting up with.

- After care: This one again varies in importance based on what you’re going to do. If you have an interest in impact play (paddles, canes, whips, crops) I would suggest asking how a dominant feels about aftercare. A new dominant could potentially take you to a level where you need aftercare for the first time (if you never have before) and knowing that he’ll be there to give you the care you need for at least a few minutes if you want it is important. A quick side note, some submissives who experience sub drop (an endorphin drop caused by the cessation of play which can cause a variety of altered mood states) do want to be left the FUCK alone. If you know that’s you, tell a Dom first. If you learn that’s you please explain it’s due to sub drop.

- Honest: Complete honesty is unnecessary, but if someone is telling you stories that don’t entirely make sense and they lack an explanation tying it all together? That’s a red flag. It too often leads to disappointment and misrepresentation to bother with.

- Personality: No, it’s not whether a dominant has one. Don’t be a smartass. You should consider and be able to explain the kind of dominant you’re looking for in terms of personality. Are you looking for an average guy with a dominant streak in the bedroom? Are you looking for a Sadist like @kinkythingsilike ? Do you want a good ole boy who bullies you like @domnator2? Do you want a guy who is charming, but slowly inexorably moves you towards what he wants (like James Bond)? Do you want a Brat Tamer? Do you want a pup master? Knowing the kind of personality that turns you on and being able to articulate it helps the dominant have an idea what kind of scene and feel would make you most submissive and have the most fun. It also helps a lot because you can at least inform dominants who contact you but aren’t your type that it’s simply a matter of personality conflict. It’s always useful for Doms to know why we didn’t make the cut.

Lessons for New Dominants

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

I spent a few hundred dollars and a number of hours training under a pro-dominant. I do not want to give away all that info out of respect for that dominant and how he makes his living, but there were some things I learned tangentially to his lessons that I believe newer dominants needing direction could benefit from.

- Be yourself: Specifically, I mean figure out whom YOU are as a dominant. You might watch Van Darkholme whip and flog boys and treat them roughly. That’s porn. I also believe he writes out all those scenes himself like a script so he can show them to would be submissives to make sure they’re ok with the described scene. So the porn you’re watching is his style. An expression of who he is as a dominant. It’s erotic because he is himself on camera and passionate about that play.

If you are not the kind of dominant who barks orders. Don’t do that just to fit a fantasy or stereotype. Do it because it’s who you are. Be confident that in the vast world of kink there is someone who will find you baring your dominant soul to the world hot. When you’re completely yourself and behind your own kinks, actions, and presentation nothing can make you feel more confident more powerful. That powerful confidence will catch the attention of everyone.

- Master yourself: You need to know yourself inside and out. Understand your behaviors and understand your kinks. If you can’t explain exactly why something is hot, then it becomes that much harder to communicate to a submissive exactly how you want him to behave to get you hard and ultimately reward him with your jizz. The better you understand yourself the better service you will ultimately be able to extract from submissives. Knowing yourself is something that morphs and changes because you morph and change over time. Knowing yourself is an ongoing process.

- Inspire submission: There is little you can do to a boy to MAKE him submit to you that cannot be classified as illegal if a submissive does not consent to it. That means that truly, the only power we have over submissives is in getting them to submit to us. More accurately, you must behave in a manner to inspire submission. Be sincere in your desire for service and show it by respecting a submissive that approaches you. Listen to what they have to say and prove you’ve heard them. Show you can be trusted and prove you take their trust and submission seriously (in whatever way you express yourself, so long as the message gets across).

- Discipline: It is also extremely important to cultivate self discipline, at least where bdsm is concerned, as a lot of dominance is about holding back. You CAN hit harder, but you don’t because the paddling is not about how hard you can hit. It’s about how you get your boy into a nice high via the pain caused by the paddling. Maybe you can get your boy to the point where you can hit him as hard as you can, but I would be surprised if that ever occurred right out of the gate. It’s something that should be built up to (if it’s ever achieved).

- Hone your skills: If you are into rope, you need to be able to tie knots on demand without reference and combine ties into a working piece. If you’re paddling a submissive, it’s important to be accurate about the area you’re hitting and have fine control over power and angle to produce different sensations. Ideally, one should have mastery over one’s skills, but that takes a ton of time and practice and realistically a lot of that practice will be on submissives. Make sure you’re aware of safety concerns with anything you’re trying and that you’re reading up on books, and articles about bdsm on a variety of topics so you’re as prepared as you can be to bring skills to bear to make submissives quiver with pleasure.

- Don’t drink your own kool aid: I’ve seen a LOT of dominants so caught up in the fantasy about how awesome they are or how hot they are that they cannot see the difference between reality and fantasy. Do not be one of those guys. Ego is hot and valuable but still be able to step back from it once the scene is over. Stepping down from the scene and being able to be a person once again is helpful for relating to submissives outside the bedroom. It’s true. Dominants are people too. Most of us anyways ;). So don’t be so self consumed that you drink your own kool aid.

What to Look For in a Sir

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

Like a lot of what I write, I thought that this might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I hope it can also serve to help readers think about exactly what it is they’re looking for. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.

I am in no way judging ANYONE for not having any of these traits.

When you’re looking for a partner of any kind, it is vital to know what traits are REQUIRED and what traits would be nice to have. Knowing in advance this information allows you to sort through dominants more quickly and with less heart(ass)-ache afterwards. You’ll learn and develop that list as you date and fuck your way through kinksters. Remember, everyone (boys and Sirs) talk so don’t do anything that is unbecoming behavior.

- Knowledge: Your dominant should have knowledge about how to carry out his favorite kinks and safely. Looking for a caning? Then your dominant should probably know not to strike in line with your spine. Everyone starts somewhere! If he has no experience, readings could be a useful insight and provide some of the information he needs to know. That’s why you’re reading this entry! See if he’s done any reading or research on either his kink or dominance in general.

- Experience: This particular point varies in importance. If you want a bare handed spanking? There’s only so much damage he can do to your ass that way. If you’re graduating to caning you want to assess how much experience he has. Experience matters with play so ultimately you don’t end up hurt. Experience also leads to a more enjoyable experience as someone who knows what they’re doing is better able to do will create an experience deliberately, and there will be less stumbling during the scene.

- Confidence: As I already said, everyone starts somewhere! Yet, a dominant who is confident in who he is, what he’s doing, and how he wants to do it is not only sexy… it helps ensure you’ll actually find someone waiting for you when you arrive to play. The main reason I am a proponent of confidence, is because I’ve found that behaving confidently, (even when I stumble) helps preserve the headspace in the scene and covers for stumbles. So even if your dominant is new and makes mistakes, confidence will smooth out the experience.

- Listens: This should be VITAL to everyone reading this post. If you’re going to give your submission to a Sir, he should be clearly indicating he takes that trust seriously. Having to repeat yourself multiple times, re-clarify points, or instances where proves he didn’t understand what you said are all worrying. How can you relax and invest trust in someone who isn’t listening to your needs.

- Limits: A dominant that knows his limits, and actively asks after yours should be treasured. I fully understand the idea of “I have no limits as a sign of my submission”, but with respect I feel that’s either fantasy, or best saved for someone you have known for years and have a strong relationship with. A dominant who avoids talking about limits and seems generally dismissive of the topic is not someone I would advise meeting up with.

- After care: This one again varies in importance based on what you’re going to do. If you have an interest in impact play (paddles, canes, whips, crops) I would suggest asking how a dominant feels about aftercare. A new dominant could potentially take you to a level where you need aftercare for the first time (if you never have before) and knowing that he’ll be there to give you the care you need for at least a few minutes if you want it is important. A quick side note, some submissives who experience sub drop (an endorphin drop caused by the cessation of play which can cause a variety of altered mood states) do want to be left the FUCK alone. If you know that’s you, tell a Dom first. If you learn that’s you please explain it’s due to sub drop.

- Honest: Complete honesty is unnecessary, but if someone is telling you stories that don’t entirely make sense and they lack an explanation tying it all together? That’s a red flag. It too often leads to disappointment and misrepresentation to bother with.

- Personality: No, it’s not whether a dominant has one. Don’t be a smartass. You should consider and be able to explain the kind of dominant you’re looking for in terms of personality. Are you looking for an average guy with a dominant streak in the bedroom? Are you looking for a Sadist like @kinkythingsilike ? Do you want a good ole boy who bullies you like @domnator2? Do you want a guy who is charming, but slowly inexorably moves you towards what he wants (like James Bond)? Do you want a Brat Tamer? Do you want a pup master? Knowing the kind of personality that turns you on and being able to articulate it helps the dominant have an idea what kind of scene and feel would make you most submissive and have the most fun. It also helps a lot because you can at least inform dominants who contact you but aren’t your type that it’s simply a matter of personality conflict. It’s always useful for Doms to know why we didn’t make the cut.

Good Daddies Versus Bad Daddies

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”

dirtydaddythings

-insert loud slamming of brakes noise-

I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.

If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.

This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.

I am going to say this once and for all:

If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.

If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.

If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.

Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.

Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):

-Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

-Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

-Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

-Tries to control you and treat you like a child.

-Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.

-You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

-Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.

-Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

-Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.

-Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.

-Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

-Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.

-Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

-Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”

-Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.

-Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.

-Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

-Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.

-Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

-Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.

-Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.

-Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.

-Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

-Doesn’t care about your feelings.

-Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.

-Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.

-Shares personal and private information about you with other people.

-Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.

-Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

Do you…

-Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

-Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

-Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

-Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

-Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

-Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.  Read this and learn.

Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something.

It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy.

Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.

A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off.

Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.

THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.

Papa Tony:

@dirtydaddythings has it 100% right.

I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades.  Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor.  I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.

When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.

I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life.  He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do!   Why would you ask?”  I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy.  I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.

I tell him that his years of experience at:

• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,
• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and
• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom are actually his superpowers.  Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life.  He is already a rich resource.  His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal of perfection.

It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.

Alphas Are Not Assholes

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

the-silent-alpha:

I’ve been talking to a boy that was very surprised that “I’m so nice to strangers on the internet even though I’m an Alpha”. I just showed him basic decency and talked to him. I didn’t do anything else. But him praising me for not being an asshole reminded me of a few other boys that I came in contact with. Those boys said the same thing. And it got me thinking…

I think it became acceptable to think that an Alpha, a Dom or a Top is also an asshole. At some point people starting putting confidence, power, strength, assertiveness or just plain masculinity with being an asshole in the same pot. And these are all different things. Maybe that’s why there are subs out there sending $25 through PayPal to an idiot with dirty socks and thinking they’ve served an Alpha. Maybe that’s why so many of you see your bullies as your Alphas. Maybe that’s why vanilla gay couples feel that the “Top or Bottom?” question is intrusive and innapropriate, because they are still ashamed of the way they have sex.

Some of you may not be ready to hear this, but : YOUR BULLY IS NOT YOUR SUPERIOR. A true Alpha is not an asshole. Yes, he may have qualities you lack as a sub. Yes, he may be more masculine, more assertive, more dominant or have a bigger dick. Yes, he may want to degrade you or humiliate you, he may slap you or piss in your face. But an Alpha doesn’t do this because he hates you, he doesn’t do this because he hates himself. He does this for completely different reasons, none of them being hate. If he hates you, you need to run away from him. If he hates himself, he’s too weak for you.

I may never completely understand the submissive mindset, because I’m just not wired like that. But I do know one thing : there are enough Alphas worthy of service in this world and if the man you’re reaching out to is being an asshole - he’s not one. Move on. Serve a man that deserves and appreciates you as an inferior.

A sub’s job and purpose is to improve the life of Alphas. If you’re serving an asshole, you’re not serving an Alpha. You’re serving a bully. Period!

Advice For My Fellow Doms

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Papa Tony:

I have met tens of thousands of kinky gay-male Doms since 1977.  In the early days, I had dozens of mentors.  In the last couple of decades, I have directly mentored a lot of Doms who have gone on to great success..

Don't compare yourself to me, or to any other Dom.  That's a loser's game, and you can never win.  This has never been a competition.  Sure - I have been doing this a long time.  Very likely, you aren't as far along.  However, we are both on the same path to growth, wisdom, and greater adventures.  You are exactly as valid as I am.  We all had to start somewhere.

There are a lot of bottoms.  There are fewer kinky subs, but there are much fewer Doms with any level of experience.  We are as rare as Snow Leopards.  The market is wide open, and crying out for more Doms who have found their centers.

The sooner that you LIKE yourself this way, the way that you are TODAY, the sooner you'll take some chances, learn some new useful techniques and gain confidence.  Don't wait for some day when you have a bigger dick, a flatter tummy, bigger muscles, can afford a $3,000 outfit or magically become younger.  You are an intense object of desire RIGHT NOW.

For every kind of man, there are men who love that kind of man, despite the messages that you get from Tumblr sites:  "Oh, look!  Everybody is having a rocking good time except for me!  Something must be wrong with my looks/age/skin color/whatever."

I speak with great authority, because I am actively in the world as a man who loves himself, flaws and all.  I carry myself with grace and kindness, and I respect those around me.  If I cared only about exterior beauty, it would be trivial for me to enjoy sex and kinky play with six new porn-actor pretty men, every single day.   When I was young, that was fun.  Now, I need more.

If I go out to public leathermen's parties, I tend to be the oldest, fattest , hairiest man in the building.  And the boys jump all over me, wanting to have some of what I have.  It's all very nice to gain some external validation.  I will admit that.  But I am also sad, because so many of my brothers who WANT to be Sirs suffer from Imposter Syndrome, added onto the usual and typical gay-male Body Dysmorphia.

If you don't have a mentor in your personal life, then here is a path toward confidence.  I guarantee it:

Study my Mentoring page.  Go deep into it, and at least try to do what you are being shown.  There is a lot of accumulated wisdom in there.  Many hundreds of men who have done this have SUCCEEDED, and are much happier.  Don't be a picky creature, saying "Oh, I would never like that!"  How will you know unless you try?  What if it turns out to be your superpower?  I ask that you be open to new possibilities.

Take some chances, and ask for feedback from the subs you are practicing with.  Admit that you are still learning.  I promise, the subs who would reject you for being honest and open are NOT the sort that would add value to your life.

It's okay to fall into self-pity sometimes.  We all do it.  It's the human condition.  After you've wallowed around in your pity-pool for a while, please keep challenging yourself to get to your next level of achievement.  A little bit of confidence can make entirely new doors open for you, that you would never have been able to see before.

The subs are waiting for you to step into your power, and to find out just how big and strong your wings are!