Ten Types of Emotional Manipulators

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onlinecounsellingcollege:

The Constant Victim - This kind of individual will always finds a way to end up as a victim in their relationships.

One-Upmanship Expert – This person uses put downs, snide remarks and criticisms, to show that they’re superior, and know much more than you.

Powerful Dependents – They hide behind the mask of being weak and powerless – then use their helplessness to dominate relationships. That is, they send the subtle message “you must not let me down.”

Triangulators – This person tries to get other people on their side. They’re quick to put you down, and to say some nasty things. They separate good friends or drive a wedge in families.

The Blasters – They blast you with their anger or they blow up suddenly. That stops you asking questions - in case there’s a showdown.

The Projector – This person thinks they’re perfect and others have the flaws. They take no ownership – because they’re never, ever wrong. 

 
The Deliberate Mis-Interpreter – They seem like a nice person – but they twist and use your words. They spread misinformation and misinterpret you. Thus, they deliberately present you in a false, negative way.

The Flirt – This person uses flirting to get their way in life. They want to be admired and to have an audience. However, your feelings and your needs are of no concern to them.

The Iron Fist – They use intimidation and throw their weight around, to use you for their ends, and to get their way in life.

The Multiple Offender – This person uses several of the techniques we’ve described – and they’ll often switch between them if it suits their purposes.

CONSENT and BDSM: The State of the (U.S.) Law

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dominantlife: BDSM activity, even where clearly consensual, can be and frequently is prosecuted under state criminal laws dealing with assault, aggravated assault, sexual assault or sexual abuse. Such criminal prosecution can arise in various circumstances, including:

• The BDSM “scene” turns out to be more intense or painful or harmful than the submissive participant anticipated, and she or he goes to the police.
• Injury is caused that is sufficiently serious or sufficiently visible that it is brought to the attention of the police by an observer, by hospital personnel or by a friend or relative of the submissive participant.
• The police raid a BDSM event and observe conduct that they interpret as unlawful.
• A BDSM relationship ends, leaving the submissive partner with bad feelings, and he or she complains to the police about assault or abuse.
• Someone with a grudge against a participant in the BDSM scene or relationship makes a complaint to the police.
• Or pictures, videos, emails, film or sound recordings of BDSM conduct somehow come into the hands of the police.

The Critical Issue: Consent

The nature of the criminal offense here is that one person causes physical harm—injury and/or intense pain—to another person. It is important to understand that the law sees this as causing harm, not engaging in mutually beneficial conduct. This means that the law treats BDSM as violence, not as sex. That explains why the issue of consent is different in BDSM cases than in rape cases. In a rape case, the sex act is not viewed as criminal unless it can be shown that one party did not consent. In a BDSM case, however, the causing of physical harm is, in and of itself, criminal. The question is whether and to what extent the law will allow such criminal conduct to be excused by the fact that the injured participant consented to have harm done to her or him.

As long as courts and lawmakers put BDSM practice in the same category as criminal assault—which is a view that the “Consent Counts” campaign will try to change—it is not surprising that they will be reluctant to allow consent as a defense to anything more than minor harm or injury. And sure enough, that is the pattern shown by the court cases, even where a court is interpreting a statute that seems on its face to allow consent to be a defense in any case where there is “serious” injury. Moreover, the courts’ reluctance to allow consent as a defense is undoubtedly influenced by the general public’s misunderstanding of and adverse reaction to BDSM as a “perverse” or even “immoral” practice.

The State Statutes—Consent as a Defense

The definitions of assault, abuse and other such crimes involving infliction of physical harm, as well as the provisions (if any) dealing with consent as a defense to such criminal charges, are matters of individual states’ laws. There is no federal law in this area. The laws vary from state to state, and many state laws on assault do not mention consent as a defense.

There are, however, a number of state assault statutes that do provide for consent as a defense. Such statutes invariably place limits on the consent defense, both in terms of the degree of harm and in terms of the way in which consent is given and the types of people who cannot legally give their consent. Many such laws closely follow the language of the Model Penal Code’s (MPC) section on consent:

§ 2.11. Consent.

(1) In General. The consent of the victim to conduct charged to constitute an offense or to the result thereof is a defense if such consent negatives an element of the offense or precludes the infliction of the harm or evil sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense.

(2) Consent to Bodily Injury. When conduct is charged to constitute an offense because it causes or threatens bodily injury, consent to such conduct or to the infliction of such injury is a defense if:

(a) the bodily injury consented to or threatened by the conduct consented to is not serious; or

(b) the conduct and the injury are reasonably foreseeable hazards of joint participation in a lawful athletic contest or competitive sport or other concerted activity not forbidden by law; or

© the consent establishes a justification for the conduct under Article 3 of the Code.

(3) Ineffective Consent. Unless otherwise provided by the Code or by the law defining the offense, assent does not constitute consent if:

(a) it is given by a person who is legally incompetent to authorize the conduct charged to constitute the offense; or

(b) it is given by a person who by reason of youth, mental disease or defect or intoxication is manifestly unable or known by the actor to be unable to make a reasonable judgment as to the nature or harmfulness of the conduct charged to constitute the offense; or

© it is given by a person whose improvident consent is sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense; or

(d) it is induced by force, duress or deception of a kind sought to be prevented by the law defining the offense.

Model Penal Code § 2.11

For our purposes the key provision in section 2.11(2)(a), which allows consent as a defense to the infliction of bodily injury where the “injury…consented to is not serious”. Thus the question that courts must decide in any given case is what is meant by “serious” injury. And on this point, the MPC offers in Section 210.0 (3) a definition that, if courts would only apply it literally, is quite helpful in the BDSM context:

Section 210.0 Definitions…

3) ”serious bodily injury” means bodily injury which creates a substantial risk of death or which causes serous, permanent disfigurement, or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any bodily member or organ.

Read literally, this would allow consent as a defense to most forms of BDSM practices. Breath control and certain other play might be seen by a court as creating “a substantial risk of death”. And scarification and some other forms of “extreme” or “heavy” scenes might be found to cause “serious, permanent disfigurement, or protracted loss or impairment of the function of {a} bodily member or organ.” But a literal application of the MPC standard would permit consent as a defense in most assault or abuse prosecutions based on BDSM practices.

The problem is that the courts—not just some courts; all courts—consistently classify as “serious” almost any injury, no matter how slight, and even in some cases interpret the causing of significant pain, even with no physical injury, as “serious injury” to which consent cannot be given.

The Cases—Courts Refuse To Accept Consent as a Defense

To date, there is not a single appellate court decision anywhere in this country that has accepted consent as a defense in an assault or abuse prosecution arising from BDSM conduct. The following overview, from Consent to Harm by Vera Bergelson, 28 PaceLaw Review 683, at p.691, is a good summary of the case law:

Since any harmful act that does not fit into the “athletic” or “medical” exception is, by definition, criminal, unless the inflicted injury is not serious, assessment of the seriousness of the victim’s injury determines the outcome of many cases involving consensual harm. A typical penal statute classifies bodily injury as serious if it “creates a substantial risk of death or causes serious, permanent disfigurement, or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any bodily member or organ.” Pursuant to this definition, any short-term, non-life-threatening injury should not be deemed “serious.” Yet, as the MPC acknowledges, the assessment of the seriousness of harm is often affected by judges’ “moral judgments about the iniquity of the conduct.” Courts tend to inflate the risk and harmfulness of an activity they want to denounce. For example, any injury caused during a sadomasochistic encounter has been consistently classified as serious.

28 Pace Law Review 683, 691
An early, and typically bad, example of a pure “consent is no defense” ruling is People v Samuels, a 1967 California decision. In that case, Martin Samuels was convicted of assault based on his conduct in a film of an apparently consensual BDSM scene. The court not only rejected the consent defense, but also appeared to hold the view that any such consent would be “some form of mental aberration”:

Even if it be assumed that the victim in the ‘vertical’ film did in fact suffer from some form of mental aberration which compelled him to submit to a beating which was so severe as to constitute an aggravated assault, defendant’s conduct in inflicting that beating was no less violative of a penal statute obviously designed to prohibit one human being from severely or mortally injuring another.

People v. Samuels 250 Cal.App.2d 501, 514, 58 Cal.Rptr. 439, 447 (Cal.App. 1967)
The Samuels decision was cited as recently as 2006, in People v Febrissy. In that case, the defendant’s lawyer sought to invoke the doctrine enunciated by the Supreme Court in Lawrence v. Texas, which held (in a sodomy prosecution) that, absent a compelling societal interest (and moral disapproval is not such an interest), the government cannot make private consensual sexual activity a crime. That argument was rejected.

An argument based on Lawrence v. Texas was also rejected in the Nebraska case of State v. Van, 268 Neb.814 (2004). Van was convicted of first-degree assault on the basis of an extended imprisonment and extremely intense BDSM/torture of a gay male submissive. The submissive initially consented to practices that were quite intense, but the evidence was in conflict as to whether he later withdrew that consent. On appeal, defendant Van argued that this was a case of “two adults who, with complete and mutual consent, engaged in sexual practices common to their homosexual, BDSM lifestyle” and as such was protected under Lawrence v. Texas.

Rejecting that argument, the court made three points. First, it noted that the Lawrence opinion contained a phrase that its doctrine only applies “absent injury to a person”. Second, the court emphasized that the evidence on the issue of consent was not clear-cut. Finally, and most fundamentally, the court held—citing the other decisions discussed in this paper—that consent is not a defense to a charge of assault:

Our statutes defining first and second degree assault include no reference to consent…This court has held that “all attempts to do physical violence which amount to a statutory assault are unlawful and a breach of the peace, and a person cannot consent to an unlawful assault”.

In most BDSM assault cases, the testimony of a complaining witness (the injured person) is central to the case, and often there is conflict on the issue of consent between the defendant and the complaining witness. However, even where both participants agree that the acts in question were consensual, the courts have held that consent cannot be a defense. Thus, in Commonwealth v. Appleby, a 1980 Massachusetts case, the court said:

“Grimm’s consent to assault and battery upon him by Appleby by means of a dangerous weapon cannot absolve Appleby of the crime…”Commonwealth v. Appleby, 380 Mass.296, 311, 402N.E.2d 1051,1061 (Mass. 1980).

In Iowa v. Collier, there were wildly differing accounts given of a BDSM incident, but the judge refused to let the jury consider the question of consent. The Appellate Court upheld the conviction and ruled that consent was not a defense. Significantly, the Iowa law on assault was in most ways similar to the Model Penal Code.

Provided, that where the person doing any of the above enumerated acts, and such other person, are voluntary participants in a sport, social or other activity, not in itself criminal, and such act is a reasonably foreseeable incident of such sport or activity, and does not create an unreasonable risk of serious injury or breach of the peace, the act shall not be an assault.

I.C.A. § 708.1
The court’s moralistic tone in rejecting the consent defense is a good illustration of the type of thinking that seems to underly most judges’ handling of BDSM assault cases:

The foregoing discussion compels us to conclude that, in the present case, the legislature did not intend sadomasochistic activity to be a “sport, social or other activity” under section 708.1. We are hesitant to give a precise definition of this term and believe it is more appropriate that its meaning be interpreted on a case by case basis. However, it is obvious to this court that the legislature did not intend the term to include an activity which has been repeatedly disapproved by other jurisdictions and considered to be in conflict with the general moral principles of our society. In fact, the statutory provision in question specifically excludes activities which would “create an unreasonable risk of serious injury.” There can be little doubt that the sadomasochistic activities involved in this case expose persons to the very type of injury deemed unacceptable by the legislature. Were we to follow defendant’s broad interpretation of “social activity,” street fighting, barroom brawls and child molestation could be deemed acceptable social behavior, since such conduct is considered acceptable by some segment of society.

State v. Collier 372 N.W.2d 303, 307 (Iowa App.,1985)
People v. Jovanovic was a New York case involving an intense scene between a man and a woman who had previously engaged in extensive Internet discussion of their BDSM interests. The scene apparently went bad, and the woman went to the police. Mr. Jovanovic was tried and convicted of assault, sexual assault and kidnapping. The Court of Appeals, although it reversed the convictions on evidentiary grounds, very explicitly stated in a footnote that consent, while available as a defense to the charges of kidnapping and sexual assault, was irrelevant to the assault charge:

There is no available defense of consent on a charge of assault under Penal Law §§ 120.00[1] and 120.05[2] (contrast, Penal Law § 120.05[5] [where lack of consent is an element]). Indeed, while a meaningful distinction can be made between an ordinary violent beating and violence in which both parties voluntarily participate for their own sexual gratification, nevertheless, just as a person cannot consent to his or her own murder (see, People v. Duffy, 79 N.Y.2d 611, 584 N.Y.S.2d 739, 595 N.E.2d 814), as a matter of public policy, a person cannot avoid criminal responsibility for an assault that causes injury or carries a risk of serious harm, even if the victim asked for or consented to the act (see, e.g., State v. Brown, 154 N.J.Super. 511, 512, 381 A.2d 1231, 1232; People v. Samuels, 250 Cal.App.2d 501, 513-514, 58 Cal.Rptr. 439, 447, cert. denied, 390 U.S. 1024, 88 S.Ct. 1404, 20 L.Ed.2d 281; Commonwealth v. Appleby, 380 Mass. 296, 402 N.E.2d 1051;Iowa v. Collier, 372 N.W.2d 303).

People v. Jovanovic 263 A.D.2d 182, 198, 700 N.Y.S.2d 156, 169 (N.Y.A.D. 1 Dept.,1999)

It is important to note that the Jovanovic court cited the Samuels, Appleby and Collier decisions, confirming that the prevailing view is that there is a settled precedent, established by a series of decisions in state courts across the country, that consent is no defense to a charge of assault arising from BDSM practices.

A Few Rays of Hope

Despite the consistent refusal of state courts to recognize consent as a defense to BDSM-based assault prosecutions, there are reasons to hope that a long-term, carefully planned Consent Counts campaign can reform this area of the law.

For one thing, the U.S. Supreme Court has created a doctrine of privacy that, at least in some areas of sexual behavior, now insulates consenting couples from criminal prosecution. While the doctrine ofLawrence v. Texas (mentioned earlier in this paper) has not been applied in the BDSM context, the principle of privacy is a powerful one that works in our favor.

The Model Penal Code’s quite favorable definition of “serious injury” also has the potential for use in changing the trend of court decisions. At the very least, it gives us the starting point to argue that the consequences of BDSM should be treated no differently from other injury-causing activities.

Finally, while no decision has yet explicitly accepted the defense of consent in a BDSM-based assault prosecution, at least two courts have reversed convictions on evidentiary grounds in ways that suggest that the consent of the “victim” may have played a role in their thinking. Thus, while the Jovanovic footnote states that consent is no defense to assault charges, the court’s reversal of the conviction was based on failure to permit the use of evidence of consent, and the court reversed not only the sexual assault and kidnapping convictions (for which absence of consent is an element of the offense), but also the assault conviction.

And, a recent Rhode Island decision, State v. Gaspar, reversed a BDSM assault conviction on evidentiary grounds that related in part to the issue of consent. While the court did not discuss the issue of consent with any specificity, the decision contains the following assessment of the central issue in the case:

The evidence adduced at the trial of this criminal case included testimony concerning a multitude of unconventional sexual practices but ultimately presented only one question for the jury’s determination: did the events of the night in question constitute a mutually consensual sexual encounter between two adults or a brutal sexual assault?


State v. Gaspar 982 A.2d 140, 141 (R.I.,2009)

This is, in fact, the core issue we face in the Consent Counts campaign: Can the courts and society be brought to understand what we in the BDSM community know to be the case—namely, that what we do “constitutes a mutually consensual sexual encounter between adults” and is not “a brutal sexual assault”? If we can get that point across, then perhaps we can persuade courts and legislatures that injuries caused by BDSM should be prosecuted only when not consensual or when the injury is so severe (the Model Penal Code definition) that it constitutes an abuse of BDSM practices.

Other Legal Models for BDSM Cases

Prosecutions that grow out of BDSM incidents are generally brought under the assault statutes. This is one of the reasons, perhaps the major reason, that courts rebel against allowing the defense of consent. The essence of the crime of assault is the attack on one person by another. The concept of consenting to such an attack is, to some extent, counter-intuitive.

Some cases arising from BDSM incidents, however, have been prosecuted under the criminal charge of battery. Battery, unlike assault, does not necessarily involve an attack by one person against another. The crime of battery is injurious touching or striking of one person by another. Thus, in battery cases, there is an issue as to the context in which the injurious touching or striking occurred. As the Court of Appeals of Indiana stated in Helton v. State, 624N.E.2d499(1993) at 514, n.22:

Consent is connected with the harm or evil sought to be prevented; therefore, if the victim consents to the defendant’s touching, that touching is not rude or insolent and should not be considered unlawful unless it meets one of the exceptions to the general rule.

The exceptions to the general rule (in Indiana) that consent is a defense to battery, and specifically is a defense available in cases “involving sexual overtones”, are as follows:

(1) Where the defendant goes beyond acts consented to;

(2) Where it is against public policy to permit the conduct or resulting harm even though it is consented to, as, as where there are no sexual overtones and the battery is a severe one which involves a breach of the public peace, as well as, an invasion of the victim’s physical security;

(3) Where consent is ineffective as where it is obtained by fraud or from one lacking legal capacity to consent;

(4) Where a deadly weapon is employed;

(5) Where death results; or,

(6) Where the battery is atrocious or aggravated. [Helton 624 N.E.2d at 514, citing Jaske v. State, 539N.E.2d 14, 18 (Supreme Court Indiana 1989).]

The concept here is that touching or striking, unlike an attack, is not inherently criminal. (Similarly, the conduct underlying the offense of rape - sexual intercourse - is mutually pleasurable conduct when consensual, and becomes criminal only in the absence of consent.) Thus, when that conduct is consensual, even where some injury is caused, it is more palatable to find that such consent prevents the conduct from being a criminal offense.

Our communities certainly do not view BDSM as an attack by one person on another. Rather, we see BDSM as mutually pleasurable conduct, the details of which are negotiated in advance and generally subject to agreed safe words and other protections. If we could persuade courts to adopt that view of BDSM, we might also persuade them that such cases are not appropriately prosecuted as assault, but rather as battery. Thus consent would normally be a defense—as is true in battery cases with “sexual overtones”—subject to the exceptions listed above.

This would not necessarily eliminate the moralistically motivated tendency of courts to seek reasons not to allow consent as a defense, however. In Govan v. State, 913 N.E.2d.237 (Indiana Appeals Court 2009), the defendant (Govan) was convicted of both assault and battery, based on a BDSM incident in which he “punished” the victim (A.H.) by branding her with a hot knife and whipping her with an electrical extension cord. The appellate court rejected Govan’s argument that A.H.’s consent was a defense to his conduct. First, it ruled that consent could not be a defense to the assault charge. Second, although the court acknowledged that consent was a valid defense in a battery case having “sexual overtones”, it found that the use by Govan of a knife invalidated the defense:

Turning to the case at hand it is undisputed that it involves sexual overtones. Notwithstanding those overtones, A.H.’s consent is not a defense to the crime because Govan’s actions involved a deadly weapon,…namely a knife, and therefore A.H.’s consent is not available as a defense to battery. Govan, 913 N.E.2d at 242-243.

In summary, one approach that could increase our communities’ access to a consent defense would be to persuade the courts that BDSM incidents should be prosecuted, if at all, under battery statues rather than as assault. Even in battery cases, however, we need to find ways to deal with the moralistic prejudices that lead courts to stretch for reasons to reject consent as a defense.

The DSM Criteria—Changing Psychiatry’s View

It is important to note that, in parallel with the Consent Counts project, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is working to change the way BDSM is understood by the psychiatric profession whose views influence the attitudes of the public and the courts toward our communities. Until 1994, BDSM was classified in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the “DSM”) as a form of mental illness. With the adoption of DSM IV in 1994, this classification was modified so that today BDSM—along with cross-dressing and fetishism—is a mental illness if it is determined that you are suffering “clinically significant distress—i.e., your BDSM behaviors: 1) are obligatory, 2) result in sexual dysfunction, 3) require participation of non-consenting individuals, 4) lead to legal complications, or 5) interfere in social relationships.

The Association is currently engaged in a new revision, referred to as DSM V. NCSF is actively involved in this process, working to further reduce, if not remove entirely, the stigma attached to BDSM. Importantly, this new revision may result in a distinction between consensual and non-consensual BDSM. This, of course, would be consistent with and would give impetus to our political and social advocacy in the Consent Counts project.

Copyright, NCSF, 2010. NCSF grants permission to reproduce this document, provided it is reproduced in its entirety and distributed free of charge.

For more info on BDSM, professionals, the law, the DSM and more, please go to https://ncsfreedom.org

Red Flags in BDSM

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submissivefeminist: In order to maintain a healthy relationship, especially within the BDSM community, we need to be aware of signs of unhealthy behaviour. Of course, these red flags can appear in any kind of relationship—but it’s extra important when you’re in a relationship with a power-dynamic or a heightened risk of injury. Submissives, especially, often find themselves in unhealthy dynamics with no idea how to spot the problems. Dominants, too, are able to experience this. For this reason, I’ve developed an outline of some of the most common red flags I hear from followers and some resources to help you deal with them.

The following are common things a partner might be doing if you’re in an unhealthy relationship:

Insists you do not need a safeword.

While some people prefer to play without a safeword, I will always speak against this practice. Safewords are crucial to a healthy D/s because without them, there is no way to revoke consent and that means you or your partner may not want to continue, but has no way of communicating this.

If your partner insists that you not use a safeword, you need to be firm in saying that will not be the case. I would take extreme caution with playing with someone who has suggested this, as it shows a lack of responsibility for you or your partner’s safety and mental health. Safewords should always be required of everyone in order to play safely. If you don’t want to use them, don’t use them—but always have them in place.

Claims to have no hard or soft limits.

This one is more common with submissives, but Dominants do it, as well. Claiming one has no limits shows a) a lack of experience and/or b) dishonesty. Though some people have more limits than others, everyone has limits. If your partner is insisting they have no limits, ask about something you consider extreme and see if they would agree to it. Communicate the importance of having limits so that everyone is aware of boundaries. No one should go into a scene blind of where the boundaries are.

Pressures you into playing in ways that violate your personal limits.

If you have established limits and your partner wants you to push them, there are two ways to go about this.

1) You express a desire to want to get past a certain limit and your partner discusses ways they can help you with this in a safe and controlled manner as to help you explore your sexuality.

2) Your partner hounds you to do something outside your limits and you feel really uncomfortable about this.

If your situation sounds like #2, you need to either have a strict conversation with your partner about limits or you need to leave the relationship.

A healthy dynamic does not involve true force of any kind. Remember that everything within a D/s is consensual and if your partner is pushing you to do something you don’t consent to, this is unhealthy. Technically, it is abuse or sexual assault. Don’t tolerate this behaviour, and seek help if you need it.

Plays when they are angry or upset.

This is another sign of an abusive relationship. A good partner will not play when they are angry or upset. This can lead to safety concerns, emotional problems, and abuse.

Dominants who are angry and wish to punish their submissives need to take time to think about an appropriate punishment instead of lashing out. Physical violence is never a way to solve underlying problems. The submissive should know why they are being punished, agree that it is fair, and feel forgiven after the punishment.

Submissives who play when they are upset are often covering up mental health problems. While healthy people can play after a bad day and feel much better—unhealthy folks will play to “hurt themselves,” so to speak, and will still feel badly after a scene. If this is the case, the submissive should seek counseling to work out their mental health problems instead of using D/s as a means to self-harm. Playing the sadist to an unstable masochist can end very, very badly. It is dangerous and shouldn’t ever be considered. Put your partner’s mental health above play at all times.

Insists that you address them as a specific title (Sir, Master, slut, fuck-toy) upon first meeting them.

This is a problem a lot of people face with potential partners. Fact of the matter is, you are no one’s slut or Master until you have formed a relationship of some kind with that person and you both agree to these titles. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to address them in a way you don’t like or be addressed in a disrespectful manner.

Does not provide aftercare.

Aftercare is absolutely crucial to a healthy D/s relationship, especially ones involving sadism and masochism. In fact, aftercare is often a defining difference between kink and abuse. Aftercare should be done automatically. If you are in need of aftercare and your partner doesn’t realize it—speak up! Both Dominants and submissive who need aftercare are entitled to it after a scene.

If your partner ignores your needs and does not provide aftercare, you need to leave the relationship. This is an abuse of power and shows a lack of responsibility. You should never leave a scene feeling badly. Aftercare is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. A guide to aftercare can be found here.

Does not respect your safeword.

Safewords, again, are required. If your partner ignores or refuses to respect your safeword, this is assault. The scene needs to end with your safeword, always. Anything past that is no different than continuing after a “no” for relationships without a specific safeword. This is a revoke of consent and anything further without explicit consent is assault.

Never, ever play with someone who doesn’t respect your needs to stop or pause the scene. This is dangerous and highly abusive.

Insists you stop using birth control or barriers during sex.

Some people like birth control restriction with their partner, and that’s fine for stable relationships with intent to care for any child resulting from that pregnancy. However, if you are not intending on getting pregnant and your partner insists you stop using birth control, this is a major red flag. This is abusive and highly dangerous.

Same goes for couples who cannot get pregnant and use barriers like condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. Never be forced into not using these methods. If one person in a relationship wants to use them, they will be used. No further questions.

Initiates play when you or your partner is intoxicated.

Couples can and will make their own decisions on this, and I am not here to tell you anything but the facts. Playing with an intoxicated person is assault. Even if you’re in a committed relationship. A person who is drunk or high cannot consent to sex legally in the US and you or your partner may end up with rape charges, even if the person says “yes.” Contracts and consent prior to intoxication do not hold up in court, either.

To be safe, always wait to play until the person is sober. For your safety and theirs, do not play with an intoxicated person.

Makes you feel guilty for using your safeword.

Never, ever feel guilty for needed to stop. It doesn’t matter if you need to stop because you were triggered or because your leg cramped—never let your partner tell you it’s not okay.

Any partner that makes you feel badly for safewording is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve your trust. It’s emotionally abusive to make someone feel bad for needing to stop play/sex. Don’t tolerate it—you have every right to decide if you need to stop.

Refuses to have conversations about consent/limits/desires.

Communication is so important. If your partner can’t communicate important things like limits, safewords, consent, or their desires, it’s going to be tricky. This is a red flag because it can lead to problems down the road. Relationships are difficult without proper communication—there simply isn’t a way around it. Insist on communicating these important topics or find a new partner who will.

Does not treat you as an equal or disrespects you out of scenes.

Unless you’ve discussed and agreed upon a 24/7 relationship, the scene ends with a safeword or natural progression. This means humiliation and painful physical contact stops there. Submissives who find themselves being put down by their partners out of scenes or at inappropriate times need to evaluate their relationship. Your self-worth will never depend on your partner and no one deserves to be with someone who makes them feel badly without their consent.

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If any of the previous red flags apply to you or someone you love, please urge them to seek help. The following resources can be used in cases of sexual or physical violence:

National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1.800.656.HOPE

Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE

Rape Crisis Network (UK): 44 (0)141 331 4180

Sexual Assault Resources (International)

Protecting Real Submissives

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RealWorldSubmissive: I don’t know if this can be quantified but I’ve often thought it extremely important that the community come to the rescue of submissives with education and support.

I’m a natural submissive and I now understand it’s a beautiful quality to have. I’m the caring loving pleaser and I’ll do anything for my dominant partner. But that can go wrong on so many levels for so many reasons. We are so vulnerable to real abuse that can be life-changing. Abuse that’s not a game or a fantasy. I’m HIV+ and I am because I a Dom took advantage of my submissive nature. 

As a submissive it’s counterintuitive to call the shots or make demands. You try politely but my submissive nature is true and honest it’s not a fantasy. It’s hard for me to disappoint a dominant man and I want to think he wouldn’t hurt me. 

But you see the posts and the fantasies on Tumblr focused on abuse. Real abuse of humans. Not fantasies but real abuse. It’s also very confusing as a submissive because we see these messages and as true submissives we let ourselves fall victim to thinking this is our lot in life and the actions prey on our core need to please a dominant man at any cost. 

I’m not a victim but becoming HIV+ was hard on me. I am a sweet nice submissive. I protected myself until I didn’t because I was pleasing a dominant man and I have to live with that decision. And then as an HIV+ submissive my self-esteem plummeted and I really started to let men abuse me and take even more advantage of me. 

As a sweet beautiful submissive, I had no understanding of my real value and it seemed there were no real dominant men around to help me understand that. And no education out there to help me understand it on my own. All this discourages a real submissive to enjoy the life he wants to as a submissive because it often results in abuse and lowered self esteem and real problems. 

When will the dominant men stand up and know they must help to protect and respect beautiful loving pleasing submissives like me. I’m not asking for control. But there are real negative consequences to the mixing of sub fetishes vs real sub living. It can’t all fall on the sub's shoulders because we give up power and struggle to protect ourselves when we’re expected to listen and obey. 

Doms need to understand the power they have and help promote a positive use of that power. Thanks for breaking the cycles of abuse with your blog.

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slovenealpha:

I would like to keep it brief.

Subs are not some objects an Alpha (ab)uses and tosses away. Subs are human beings with whom you reach happiness together. They are (your) subs, because they wanted to submit to you, they desire your domination. They are gifts, but give themselves to you.

They are beautiful and should always be treated with respect and humane dignity. You may set them rules and order them, but you must never overstep their limits, make them feel intense distress or blackmail them (to name a few).

They are treasures and a real Alpha will protect them and care for them. Think of it as a really expensive smartphone: you will use it for pleasure, but won’t go cracking its screen and tossing it away. That goes way deeper for subs, since their human. If a sub doesn’t want intense ball busting, you won’t go making him punch his balls blue on your first session.

You will start out with something small then slowly introduce them to ball pain, but if they reject something with great reassurance don’t force yourself. And outside of sex, you shouldn’t be cold towards them and make them feel unwanted and unloved.

You are their Sir because they know you won’t mistreat them.

How Could Slaves Consent When They Had Given Up All Rights?

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Hello Sir, I’m wondering how could slaves consent when they had given up all rights to participate in decision-making in the relationship?
Alexander Martin:

Hi Anon,

Hope you’re well. I think you’re taking BDSM a little too literally.

Question: How could slaves consent when they had given up all rights to participate in decision-making in the relationship?

Answer: Consent can be withdrawn at any time by the person consenting (explained further below). Subs always control whether or not they submit to a dominant and as a result they can make decisions or enter negotiations on a decision at any time.

Support: If consent were something that once obtained was permanent, then it would simply be a matter of tricking any submissive into consenting and then a dominant could do anything he wanted. But that’s not how BDSM works. Some submissives consent only for submission in the bedroom (and thus would want input into decisions outside of the bedroom).

Here’s how consent should be properly obtained and handled.

Consent should be sought for everything a dominant wants to do sexually. If in the moment the dominant wants to try something with a sub, it is his role to try to convince a submissive to do it. If he receives a no, he should cease further attempts to convince the submissive and take no for an answer. If he gets a maybe, he should proceed with caution and be watchful for signs a submissive may be thinking of withdrawing consent.

You are always better off asking about consent than making assumptions on your partners part. The fact of the matter is that consent is the only thing that prevents what a dominant does from being rape. Dominants always want to be on the right side of the law. Lastly, a dominant should be actively asking what limits the submissive wants put on his consent for a longer relationship so that there aren’t any hard feelings or confusion.

Remember, since a submissive can withdraw consent at anytime because power is EXCHANGED with the dominant on a temporary basis for mutual sexual satisfaction. Submissives ALWAYS have the power in BDSM. They simply choose when to give it up and when to hold onto it.

I hope this makes matters clearer. Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is attempting to get away with shit.

Am I Flawed, Or Am I Doing Just Fine?

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Sir. I’m happily & proudly submissive. I thrive on humiliation, degradation, some pain, high expectations & frankly, getting fucked often. This feeds me sexually, spiritually, intellectually & psychologically. I’ve been asked if I was abused as a child & if this might be a form of re-traumamatization. 
I was bullied relentlessly and emotionally neglected, but I find my submission therapeutic. I’m rewriting my story with an ending in which I thrive & am fulfilled. Am I just fooling myself? 

Papa Tony:

Frankly, you are speaking on behalf of a LOT of people. I have no certificates of professional attainment hanging on my wall. I am just an opinionated old guy who has met (and grown to know) many thousands of kinky folks.

For me, your last few sentences say it all. You sound entirely functional and self-aware.

Whenever I get asked something like this, I like to ask two rhetorical questions:

- Are you in jail?

- Are you dead from your activities?

Being rhetorical, these questions are meant to make my point:

You have reached this age, having made conscious adult decisions in order to cope with how your life has gone. I am assuming that your proclivities have not been used to harm others without their permission. You are clearly continuing to work out ways to do well in your life… You’re not just surviving, you are thriving.

Folks who will judge you from outside of your own experience are projecting their biases upon you. It’s what folks do. In cases like this, I like to give away one of my favorite mantras:

“The Dogs Bark, and the Caravan Moves On.”

This means that folks will always lay “shoulds” upon us. It doesn’t obligate us to take on their judgments. If somebody has not walked around inside our highly-polished kinky boots for a few miles, then they can have all of the opinions that they want.

They just can’t really affect us, unless we allow them to have that power over us.

Please, be YOU. If how you live your life stops being useful, valuable or practical, I trust you to pivot to another way of being that works better. For YOU.

The following sentence really jumped out at me:

“I’m rewriting my story with an ending in which I thrive & am fulfilled.”

That’s a very evolved viewpoint. I talked about something similar here.

In my own case, I was heavily traumatized as a child. As a result, I have made decisions that have worked well for ME for the last half a century. Those decisions went in an entirely different direction, compared to yours.

Big deal. Come sit by me, and let’s be friends. Let’s swap some sensational coping-mechanisms!

Submitting to a Master vs. Being “Treated Like Shit”

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mastershumanproperty:

Before slave was a slave, it imagined serving a Master to be very different than it ended up being.

it had always imagined being treated like shit. it had imagined horrible (but always consented to!) treatment. it expected abuse.

This is a bit of a tricky subject to discuss, because BDSM has a bit of a tendency to look like abuse as it is anyway. But in becoming Master’s slave, it cannot say it ever EVER feels like it is being treated like shit.

There are times when Master asks things that are hard for slave. There are times when Master asks slave to serve in ways that are unpleasant for it. There are times when Master asks for submission that is all about His pleasure or amusement, and slave’s opinion of the task isn’t really relevant. There are times where, if you watched slave serve, it’d look pretty close to all those rough, affectionless porn videos.

But slave’s expectations of slavery ended up not being met at all. it is never abused. it is never made to feel worthless. Even as it SAYS it feels worthless, or like a faggot…. that is all coming from headspace. That is all coming from the fact that, in reality, slave feels safe.

slave has been given safety and slave has been given freedom.

slave has fantasies of being humiliated and manhandled. Thrown around a bit. Master has given it a safe environment to explore in. slave can go deep and call itself worthless or imagine itself as various pieces of human furniture… because it is constantly being supported by a Master who is bolstering its sense of self-worth. it is being supported by a Master with a TON of respect for it, who holds a high opinion of it, and voices His belief in it, inside and outside of submissiveness, regularly.

Those moments where its service might look like abuse… where its service might look like slave being treated like shit… Those moments don’t have any chance of reaching slave or doing any damage to it. it is being so thoroughly protected by its Master. For every one act of extreme degradation, there are 5 of affirmation. Hell, even after being asked to go low, it is immediately picked right back up with thorough aftercare…

slave is in a bit of rough patch in life. it’s struggling, and currently has more worries than it has ever had before. But the thought that it is a worthless human being has never crossed its mind once. it is being protected from that feeling. slave’s not doing great in some aspects of its life. But it’s excelling in others. Some things might be bad, but its relationships are great. it has in slavery alone two VERY VERY powerful allies in Master and Sir. Their presence prevents it from even going too low in its day to day life.

This is probably one of the most difficult things to convey to an outsider. But even in the moments that might look the scariest… slave is much better than okay. slave is exploring things that could be unsafe to explore in a different environment… and it’s doing so alongside a man that has earned its trust in the deepest ways. it’s exploring the darker side of its desires with a Master that will prioritize its safety and seeing slave through in one piece above all else… even as His actions facilitate the scene.

So even though slave came into slavery misguided by images of hard use and abuse…. There is a lot that goes on behind the scenes in a long-term M/s relationship.

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pdxmaster:
When you start thinking about submission, it can feel like a big dark thing. Think that it will leave you a different person on the other side. You may even think you need to be kidnapped, or forced, or blackmailed, made to do these things. Or you want to do it once really deep and “get it out of your system”.

The truth is, if you find the right guy to submit to it will be a joy to go down that path with them. You might find freedom in submission and giving up (some, or lots of) control. You might feel more like yourself than you ever thought you could be. And, your heart might feel like bursting from finally feeling like one whole person. Yes, you’re different on the other side. But it’s still just you and what you’re becoming with him.

The Difference Between Sadomasochism And Abuse

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Anonymous: How do you tell the difference between sadomasochism and abuse? I mean because isn't being a sadist abusing (?) but in a good way. I'm sorry if this is a stupid question I'm just confused. 

Unknown author:

It isn’t a stupid question at all. I think it’s a very real and common concern.

Common enough that there are many things such as this out there.

Good Daddies Versus Bad Daddies

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“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”

dirtydaddythings

-insert loud slamming of brakes noise-

I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.

If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.

This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.

I am going to say this once and for all:

If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.

If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.

If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.

Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.

Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):

-Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

-Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

-Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

-Tries to control you and treat you like a child.

-Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.

-You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

-Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.

-Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

-Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.

-Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.

-Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

-Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.

-Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

-Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”

-Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.

-Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.

-Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

-Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.

-Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

-Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.

-Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.

-Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.

-Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

-Doesn’t care about your feelings.

-Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.

-Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.

-Shares personal and private information about you with other people.

-Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.

-Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

Do you…

-Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

-Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

-Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

-Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

-Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

-Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.  Read this and learn.

Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something.

It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy.

Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.

A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off.

Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.

THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.

Papa Tony:

@dirtydaddythings has it 100% right.

I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades.  Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor.  I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.

When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.

I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life.  He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do!   Why would you ask?”  I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy.  I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.

I tell him that his years of experience at:

• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,
• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and
• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom are actually his superpowers.  Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life.  He is already a rich resource.  His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal of perfection.

It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.

A sub is NOT for respecting and loving

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Anonymous: Been reading ur blog. U need to stop calling urself a dom. All this lovey crap makes real doms sick. A sub is not for respecting and loving. A sub is for using and thats what they like. Its fine that u love ur girl, just dont call urself a dom. Real doms show dominance, use there sub and leave her laying like the cunt slut she is. Bein all sweet, and all that does is give her power over u, which makes u not a dom.

Unknown author:

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you.

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things.

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that.

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be.

So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too.

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely.

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.

Abuse vs. Discipline

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I noticed a few times you use the word “abuse” in your posts. While most of what you write is lovely, I’m a bit thrown off by your choice of words. As you have stated you don’t want pity, so I will hold my apologies for the pain you endured as a child inside and simply say I’m so thankful you had the strength to work through the trauma. That being said I am long time female submissive and not all Doms who use physical punishment are abusive, at all. It is 3am so maybe I missed something?

Papa Tony:

Your question makes me realize that I have been sloppy in my writing, all along.

It has never been my conscious intention to equate all kinky discipline with abuse. Thanks for pointing that out. I am learning something new about myself.

I am a man who has attended over 400 gay-male play-parties. Thinking back on my kinky journey since 1977, I believe that I have never seen high-quality and ethical BDSM discipline play, up close, and in action. I have unconsciously avoided it.

Intellectually, I know that it exists.

Based upon what I have seen online, there is a huge market for Discipline Play. I’ve just successfully skipped any part of that scene, without realizing it until now. Whenever there would be an instructional demo, I’d either not show up at all, or wander away without realizing why.

I’m pretty clear that my allergy for abuse is so strong that I have unconsciously selected folks who were in my social circle, and who shared similar viewpoints. Anyone else was avoided, just on the slight chance that I would get triggered.

My avoidance has been a safety-measure, because I never stop fearing how strong my own reaction would be. My overreaction would end any pleasure that others might derive from the play-party. I am physically huge, and can be emotionally intense, like a force of nature. I know the power that I wield.

I’m clear that I will never be an authority on the topic of high-quality Discipline Play. I’m too damaged from what I endured as a child, and that’s okay. I have done the work to grow beyond it. Now, I just need to work on my languaging, as I continue to write on other topics.

Thanks for reaching out!

I Am A Sir With No Need for Force, Discipline, or Abuse

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Anonymous said: Hello SIR, I’m a bit confused by Your latest post?? You teach Doms almost daily how to use disciplinary tools safely and correctly, but You don’t discipline Your subs with the same tools?? Forgive me if I sound ignorant SIR, but I thought using things like whips, which can cause a lot of pain, were for disciplining subs, as well as flogging and heavy spanking? That’s why I’ve always been afraid of them.

Papa Tony: 

Thank you for your excellent question, Anything that I can do to dispel the mysteries of kinky play is a step forward out of the darkness.

I do not use discipline. I do not use kinky toys to punish, stress, humiliate, threaten or harm. The last time that I spanked somebody in anger was over four decades ago. I talk about it here. If you watch my videos and listen to what I am saying, you will understand more about the ways of the non-abusive Doms:

My History Defines Me

When I was growing up, I was beaten up by my father, hundreds of times… Broken bones, bruises that kept me out of school for weeks at a time, and random, savage cruelty (mental, physical and emotional abuse) that finally stopped when my mom kicked him out of the house. I was thirteen at the time.

During my entire life until he died, he never hugged me, expressed affection or approval, or used my actual name - I was “the asshole.” My nine siblings have confessed to me that they were deeply relieved that I was the focus of our father’s abuse, and that they weren’t. I was playing the unwilling role of the family’s “Designated Sick Person.”

I am not revealing this as a cry for sympathy. I don’t need it. I have done the therapeutic work that I needed to do, in order to come to acceptance of my past. My early life forged my character as a man. I chose to be the opposite of what I had experienced. I made conscious, adult decisions to become the kind of man that I had yearned to know in my life.

After leaving home, I found many, many fine role-models. I patterned upon THEM, and I am glad that I have turned out this way. I still suffer dark periods in my life, over half a century later. With the loving support of my Leather family, I bounce back.

My Protective Nature

As I have said before, I do not use abuse in any form. This is because I know the cost, from the other side of the belt, the hateful, scornful words, or the back of the hand. In all of these years, I have recoiled from ever doing anything abusive. I am allergic to it.

I don’t abide abuse in others, either. I made a conscious, irrevocable choice to be a champion for others who need help. 

 
A CHAMPION!!! Is Not Always A Safe Thing To Be

Six human beings are walking the earth alive today, because I threw myself into mortal danger and saved their lives in three separate instances. I couldn’t NOT do it, and I would do it again. This is not a prudent or sensible thing to do.

And, it is how I live my life. I am the first one to call a halt to any form of impending harm. I call myself “Clark Kent,” because the moment that I see abuse, the shirt rips open and I go into Superhero Mode.

I Can’t Speak For Anybody Else

I would love to hear from other Sirs who don’t feel the need to use abusive techniques on their subs. There are a lot of us, but we are being painted with the same bad image portrayed in kinky porn. I don’t expect others to have shared my own path. We all come to this Ethical Dom experience in our own way. 

My Recent Posting Went Viral

I previously wrote a post that is the other half of this topic, called “Approval-Based Doms.” Folks liked it well enough, but all of a sudden, it has received a sudden spike of likes and re-blogs. I hope that its positive message never stops rippling outward in the world.

boys Bill of Rights

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at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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boysterous-blog: 1. Every boy has the right to have his body, intellect, and emotions protected by his Dom.

2. Every boy has the right to choose the man whom he serves and to discontinue that service and take his leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

3. Every boy has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in his submission.

4. Every boy has the right to protected sex if he so wishes.

5. Every boy has the right to privacy if he so wishes. No boy can be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without his expressed desire to be so.

6. Every boy has the right to defend himself from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

7. Every boy has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.

8. Every boy has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and DOMS without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return.

9. Every boy has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.

10. Every boy has the right to protect his own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

I know that I keep harping on the topic of ethics in kink, but wisdom like this is always relevant, needed and worth passing along!