Some General Rules for Good Beta Boys

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perfectmaster79: Obey Your Alpha Fully

This means going beyond the letter of what he says & getting to the spirit of it. Any slave can follow orders. You should expect more from yourself. At times, that may even include…

Feel Free To Question

One big difference between a beta & a slave is that a beta is expected to think for himself. That means you’ll have questions sometimes. Ask away. If he doesn’t feel like explaining it, he’ll say so. If your question bugs you, he may punish you for asking. If he tells you to just shut up & do it, you will. But always keep yourself open to him, including staying intellectually bright & available. One important caveat to this is how you behave in public. In front of others there should be no questioning of what he says. This is because…

Respect Is Primary

He shouldn’t have to come up with elaborate rules to display your submission to him. It should be clear at all times, though it may be casual & unobtrusive, that you respect & surrender to his superior masculinity. However, without a set of rules to govern every situation…

Expect The Unexpected

You’ve spent the last couple weeks hanging out with him like a buddy? That doesn’t mean that tonight he isn’t gonna suddenly get off on embarrassing & humiliating you, or rough you up a little & tell you to just take it, or do whatever the hell else he wants. Variety is the spice of life. Be ready to be his buddy, bitch, lover, partner, servant, or wingman as the situation and his mood dictate. And no matter what position you’re in at the moment…

Be Proud Of What He’s Made Of You

He’s put work into developing you the way he likes you. It’s taken some thought & planning on his part to figure out how you can best meet his needs. Be proud of him for the work he’s put in, and remember to…

Be Thankful

You get to be part of something bigger than yourself & he deserves thanks for letting you in on it. You can express your thanks through affection, gifts, maintenance, praise, & service. Be creative. Surprise him. Make him smile. But while you enjoy your bond with him…

Jealousy Doesn’t Look Good On Anyone

There will never be reason for him to be jealous because your sexuality will be decided by him. But there should never be a reason for you to be jealous either. The whole point is him enjoying his masculinity, which means as long as he’s having fun, it doesn’t matter if it’s with you or someone else. So long as he’s developing some part of you for his enjoyment, it doesn’t have to be the sexual part of you.

Get Ready To Grow

You’ll probably learn new things about yourself as you serve your Alpha. He may help you develop skills you’d have never explored on your own. There are, of course, the basics he shouldn’t have to worry about…

Take Care Of Your Health

A sick beta is a burden. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep (except on those occasions when he doesn’t let you- then make up for it later.) You wanna keep it in good shape because…

He Gets It All

Every inch of you is his and should be available to him anytime. He deserves the best. That may or may not mean that everyone else (or anyone else) knows about it because…

Men Deserve Their Privacy

Once initial expectations have been set, don’t go whining for more than he has for you. If he’s married to someone else, you’re never gonna get treated like his spouse. If it’s understood that he dates other people, he may fall in love with them. It’s up to him whether or not the other people in his life know about you or not, & whether they know about your service to him or not. Alphas have a lot of people who want to be around them. It’s up to him to balance who can best meet his needs & desires, which comes down to…

Love, Honor And Obey But Stay Out Of His Hair

Of course he should have the ability to find out where you are & what you are doing when he wants to, but he has more important things to do than to supervise you 24 hours a day, 7 day a week. Be a man. Think for yourself. Make him proud. Make his day. Love, honor & obey. All glory to the Alpha.

Etiquette in BDSM

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dominant-daddy:

So you’re a Dom?

Just because you call yourself a Dom, don’t expect every submissive girl/boy in BDSM to bow before you and call you Sir/Master/Daddy/Mommy or any other title you bestow on yourself. The fact is simple. Submissives are normal everyday people who happen to have one thing in common. They choose to submit to one person (after He/She earns said submission) and then it is the submissives choice to choose how to address that person.

And remember this important fact: she/he maybe a submissive but they are NOT your submissive until you earn the trust, respect and consent from said submissive.Submission is never demanded, taken, asked for or assumed. If you want to call a submissive Yours then earn their submission and show him/her you are worthy of it.

Submissives must do as they are told?

Submissives are not doormats or second class citizens. They are equals in a power exchange relationship. They have rights, the same as a Dom. They have choices, the same as a Dom. They can say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ just as a Dom can. They can ask questions. Demand answers. Surprised by this? Then you need to re-evaluate your Dominant role. All D/s relationships are based on agreements, limits, understanding, choices, rules and boundaries. 

Every aspect of the relationship is discussed and agreed by both partners. This may come as a shock to some, but it’s the SUB who has REAL power in the relationship. A submissive will bow down to his/her Dom because he/she chooses to do so but he/she can also kick a Doms ass out the door if that trust is misplaced and the Dom abuses the authority that’s been given to Him/Her. You have been warned!

It has to be my way? Rules and punishments.

So you’ve earned his/her submission. Now you decide to throw an encyclopedia sized book of rules at him/her and demand they are followed to the letter or a punishment will be given because YOUR rules were broken. No. Just, no. Rules are to be discussed and agreed by both partners. There are a few too many Doms whose rules are non-beneficial to the submissive and are more geared towards themselves. E.G. You can only wake Me with a blow job, or do not call/text me without prior notice, etc.

Rules should be in place to help a submissive. A Dom should know everything about their sub and this takes time so rules should never be set in stone and always be open for revision. However, when rules are in place, do not let them down and shirk Your responsibilities. If a rule is in place, for the best interest of a sub, then please be consistent. Submissives need consistency.

See HERE for help with rules in BDSM

Punishments should also be agreed by both partners and should be reasonable and fit the infraction. DO NOT – EVER – punish a submissive who tries their best and gives 100% but fails a task. Encouragement is needed for them to do better. Otherwise you’ll just make them feel worthless. The same rule applies to ignoring a submissive as a punishment. By ignoring a sub, a Dom is saying “you are only good enough when you are perfect”. Each relationship is always going to be different, as each Dom/sub are, so using common sense and getting to know the submissive is the key to their discipline and punishment.

See HERE for advice with punishments in BDSM.

Hi Daddy/Mommy? Hi Baby girl/boy?

Being called Daddy/Mommy or baby girl/boy is a term of endearment in a D/s relationship. It’s special to the partners and ONLY they are truly allowed to use those terms. So addressing every Daddy/Mommy Dom or baby girl/boy with these personal terms dilutes the meaning so please do not do it.

Etiquette in BDSM seems to be largely misunderstood by those who are new to the lifestyle or who are just plain ignorant to it so I hope in some way that this will help to address the balance and make this lifestyle a little more understanding.

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dominant-daddy:

Hello slut, whore, bitch, cunt!

This type of name calling is, usually, only to be used during a scene in BDSM. A lot of submissives like to be called names and/or feel degraded BUT, now here’s the one amazing fact… only by their Dominant! Randomly calling a submissive any degrading name is verbal and unwanted abuse. It’s sexual harassment.

You call any girl a slut, whore, etc. and she’ll probably want to rip your balls off and feed them to you with a rusty fork. But when she hears the silky tones of his/her dominant say these words to him/her, they’ll melt. Would a person walk up to a girl in a bar or the street and call her these names to her face?No, they wouldn’t and doing the same over the internet is no different.

Send me a naked picture of yourself.

There are many submissive girls (and guys) that have a NSFW blog. Many of them post pictures (selfies) of themselves nude. It’s their blog, their body, their choice and their decision. They post them for their own reasons. They don’t post them as an advertisement like a piece of meat on offer. It’s NOT an invitation and it’s NOT consent for the douches to harass them for their personal pics or to attack them for posting whatever they want to on their own blog.

If you like their pics, reblog them. Don’t get offended and name call because she refuses and wants to keep herself safe from internet predators and maybe, just maybe she doesn’t want to take the risk of having her personal pics in the hands of a complete stranger who could do goodness knows what with them? As in the previous post, a person wouldn’t ask this of a stranger IRL and hiding behind the internet does not make it acceptable or okay.

Running a NSFW blog is not consent. It does not mean that the blogger is horny 24/7 and masturbates over Tumblr like it’s an occupation. Most are bored and on Tumblr to pass the time. They’re not here to get douches off. Please show some respect.

I’m going to….

This kind of message that submissives receive with a long list of what ‘anonymous’ would like to do to them is another area that needs to be addressed. Most subs do not want them. There are some that like them. Have a look through their blog and read the ‘about me’.

If they’re owned/have a Dom I’d suggest moving on, or better still just don’t send them unless you are certain that is what the sub is asking of their followers. A submissive may like to talk dirty (and express this on their blog) but maybe that’s only with their dominant. If in doubt, don’t do it.

I’m Master ***** You will kneel before me and call me Sir!

This is a red flag to begin with. No ‘genuine’ dominant would say such a thing. He/She would want to get to know any potential partner before agreeing to a D/s relationship. ‘Genuine’ dominants are respectful, polite, courteous and generally do not try to impress. They certainly don’t shout their worth from a rooftop saying “look at me!”They don’t try to ‘Dom’ a submissive after the first hello (if they are lucky enough to get a hello first that is!)

Any submissive, but especially new submissives that are BDSM virgins should always be cautious when talking to a new potential dominant partner. Don’t give personal information, your address or even your home town until you feel comfortable enough and never meet anyone who you have only just recently met. This is doubly important if it’s an online meeting. I have known submissives in the past who have just started talking to ‘Doms’ online and right from the off they have wanted a meet to do a scene. It’s very real and it happens.

Think about how they first talk to you. Are they more interested in your underwear and what you’re wearing or if you swallow or are willing to do anal than they are in you? Do they ask questions about you or just your sex life? Listen to what they talk about or even if they talk about themselves at all. Constant sexual talk = red flag. Not talking about themselves = red flag.

A dominant that boasts about their previous subs and what they did together is another red flag. If you are constantly being asked, “would you be willing to try X or Y…” again, that’s a red flag. Follow your instincts. If you feel something just doesn’t add up or something doesn’t feel right, your gut instinct is trying to tell you something and chances are, it’s right. Walk away. You owe them nothing. Until you consent and agree to be their submissive you are free to do whatever you please. You are free to talk to as many potential dominants as you wish.

Let’s say you are talking to a potential dominant. He/She is really nice. But do they ask about you or how was your day? When was the last time you were asked how you were? You told him/her about what was planned for today at work, have they remembered it or asked about it? Do they even remember about the terrible day you had yesterday freaking out over it? These are the kind of questions to need to be asking yourself. After a conversation with your potential dominant, have a think back to what you spoke about and recap. It should tell you a great deal as to where his/her best interest are focused.

I know this has gone slightly off the etiquette topic but I feel it was warranted and needed to be said. Predators are real in BDSM. Please, stay safe when searching for a partner.

Welcome to the Kinky Community: Here is Your Basket Of Muffins!

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I want to start by saying thank you. I'm a 48 year old straight novice Top. When I entered the local community a few months ago I sought knowledge, and guidance, so I scoured the Internet for sources and stumbled across you. I've devoured your material.  I listened to most or all of your audio recordings. Thank you for posting them and sharing all this with the rest of us.I have shared you with some people here in DFW, including some well established Doms. They have all been impressed. You see, we don't have anyone like you. In one of your audio recordings you talked about a new Top walking in wearing a Leatherman's hat that he hadn't really earned. You said let him wear it because we need more Tops, more guys with swagger.  (See also: Calling for a Ten-Year Time-Out on Olde Guarde).

I sought out guidance here and found a mentor and it was going well, but she dumped me after just a few weeks. So I reached out to others and was put in contact with a guy who was well established in the Leather community here. He told me that the Leather community was closed to noobs like me, that they were extremely selective about who they let in, after observing you in the community for a while. That is the opposite of your position, and I thank you for it.

I wholeheartedly agree that the real skills and talents of a good Dom are the soft skills. I've already seen bunches of tops who are highly skilled with their toys but show none of the skills you exhibit in your Kinky Play without Toys video. Also, I've seen nearly zero of the aftercare you showed in the second part of that video. I don't say these things to criticize anyone or my local community. I say them to show you how special you are, even to people far outside the San Diego gay leather community.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I wish there were more leaders like you.

Papa Tony:

Thank you for the blessings, brother.  Clearly, you are kind, perceptive and on the path toward greater wisdom.  How do I know that?   Because folks like you are ALL that I hear from.  Seriously.  My tone, style and philosophies cause a gong to go off in the hearts of the ones who share many of my own traits.  Then, they reach out, and my life is much, MUCH richer as a result.

The social shutdown that you describe is something that I refer to as "Fifty Shades Syndrome."  That hideous book series (and the entire mommy-porn industry that it spawned) caused local communities everywhere to hit Newbie Burnout very quickly.  SO MANY eager new faces. all of a sudden, and they all NEEDNEEDNEED so much hand-holding and mentoring.  

Folks of good will simply can't deal with so much need.  It becomes background noise.

In This Next Part, I Am Stereotyping. 

Even so, I'm still pretty confident in what I say:

Many heterosexual dominant males are arriving on the scene with advanced cases of Tumblr Porn Syndrome, expecting their fantasies to be real:  Toxic masculinity gone wild, baby!  As a result, new, usually ignorant male Doms are the lowest on the social totem pole.  They are considered to be lacking in positive value - a drain of everybody's energies.

And then, a man like YOU shows up.  YOU'RE the exact opposite of a problem.  You aren't afraid to lead with your big, beautiful heart.  You are actively seeking to be the finest representation of a Man Of The Tribe.  On your best days you are admirable, lovable, honorable and respectable.  A true mensch.

Unfortunately, through no fault of your own, you also arrive covered from head to toe in Newbie Stinkeroo, because there is no flashing neon sign over your head, saying "This one is the real thing!  Throw the gates open wide!" 

It's Not Your Fault. 

None of this has to do with you, personally.  YOU didn't fail.  It's just stereotyping, and it hurts.  The opposite of love is not hate.  It is INDIFFERENCE, when nobody cares whether you live or die.  Ouch.  For those of us with abandonment issues, being treated shabbily can be particularly harsh.  

There is a lot of exhaustion from trying to support too many newbies in the communities that I hear from.  Folks from Berlin, Edinburgh, Denver and Detroit tell me the same thing… Sometimes with tears, caused by the pain of rejection.  Please take some comfort from knowing that the problem is one that occurs everywhere.

My advice?  Don't give up and drop away.  It is my assertion that men and women like you, with bigger perceptions and a strong sense of fairness, make the BEST leaders, mentors and role-models.  

I've Noticed A Pattern

For several decades I have met many special, sensitive and evolved individuals, and taken them under my wing - someone who just needed somebody who believes in them.  After a time, I hold the metaphorical mirror up to them and say "Do you see what I see?  Do you see how wonderful you are?"  I help them to understand just how big and strong THEIR wings always were - I'm just pointing it out, because it's obvious to me.  

Then, they take their show on the road, and word gets around.  The local community becomes stronger, more peaceful, and less likely to go through damaging breakdown cycles of High Drama.  My protégés show up in photos of big, successful events, because they are running things.  I never once ASKED them to step into leadership, but always hoped that they would.

Well, I can't do mentoring one-on-one for hundreds of thousands of valuable folks in the world, no matter how much I wish that I could.  That's why I created the Kink Mentoring Archives.  I want more folks to see what is possible outside of the box.  You can be so much more than what you see around you locally.

A Dallas Story

I see that you are from Dallas-Fort Worth (DFW) in Texas.  One of my very favorite Leather Sons moved from Dallas to San Diego.  He was so traumatized by his experiences there (he got bullied a lot) that it took him a full year to attend his first public event.  I zeroed-in on him within seconds, and even through his shyness, I could see the worth and the glory of him.  My intuition was clanging like a bell.

I became his mentor, and we spent a lot of time together.  Every conversation was deep, meaningful and moved the ball forward.  After a time, he lit up like a lighthouse, so that EVERYBODY could see how wonderful he was.  He became a huge local success as a leader and role-model.  That was all him.  I make no claim to his natural talent.  I just kept pointing out how good he was.  I was his dedicated mirror.

He won an international leather title, and was widely celebrated everywhere that he went.  Then, he visited Dallas in process of being Head Judge at a local leather contest.  The folks in DFW who had cut him off in the past threw a big party in his honor, and couldn't have been nicer to him, as far as they were thinking.

Without any sense of self-reflection, they said things such as "Can you believe it?  Of ALL of the people from Dallas, HE's the one who became the big success?"

True story.

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I am retired from being a community leader, but I still mentor many folks worldwide, using apps like Skype.  Encouraging words from a reliable source mean a lot, even if we never meet face to face.

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It is part of human nature to form affinity-groups that become cliques... closed to newbies unless they somehow claw their way up the Ice-Cliff of Indifference through sheer strength of will.  That's why I have always actively welcomed the new, the shy and the unsure folks, and ignored the long-timers during big events.  Their needs have been handled.

I have never wanted to be a part of a clique.  I see every shy new face as somebody with majesty and worth, until proven otherwise.  I am open to the possibility that the tools in their toolbox might supplement the ones missing in other people's toolboxes, including mine.

That's my definition of how to build a Tribe, where everybody gets a chance to show their worth.  Ninety-nine percent of the new folks who I greet, rise up to meet my expectations.  The other one percent?  They think that I'm creepy, and they can't get away fast enough.  That's okay.  They are welcome back at any time, but only if they play nicely.

It is my assertion that any typical, self-protective clique is already heading for the tar-pits, because the folks inside become fossilized over time.  New faces, new ideas and exciting new perspectives are what keep a healthy community vibrant.  Pretty soon, the ones who started out forlorn and worried are the ones RUNNING things, and doing a great job of it.  That is, if they got the emotional support that they needed.

Leaders burn out.  They hit their natural limit eventually, and then they start skidding, breaking down and dropping away.  It is the job of EVERY leader to plan for that day, and to train their replacements in a conscious way.

I assert that you would be a superb community leader, even without knowing more about you.  I am hearing a strong sense of fairness in what you are sharing.  The Golden Rule is not being followed, dammit!  Well, that's a clear, big and valuable signal to me.

When I first stepped into my own community after a long time away (I was grieving after having lost my community to AIDS), I stepped directly into spinning blades.  I was manifestly NOT welcome.  I was seen as a loose cannon.  A threat to the local hegemony.  I must be destroyed!

After reaching out and pulling back a bloody stump enough times, I decided to create my OWN, separate affinity-group.  It wasn't a perfect solution for a while (the attacks just intensified), but I persevered.  Eventually, my Tribe became the big attraction, because it WASN'T a tiny, carefully protected clique.

We offered hugs, and those folks over there offered suspicion and judgmental responses.  MY crowd was hundreds of times bigger, we hugged a LOT, and we never suffered from breakdowns.  My theory is that this was because nobody wanted to be the one pooping in the pool.  Everybody was so happy all of the time, so nobody wanted the fun to end.

I am not saying that this would be YOUR solution, but it sure worked for me.  It's always possible to BE the change that you want to see, and I invite you to look at that possibility in yourself.  It takes courage, and stamina, but the payoff is enormous.

Please stay in touch.

Social Skills, Etiquette and Fitting In

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Jack Off First, THEN Negotiate! - Fantasy is fun but reality (if it’s going to last longer than a one-time-thing) requires that the needs, wants and desires of both partners be recognized and fulfilled, at least to some extent.

Some General Rules for Good Beta Boys - This means going beyond the letter of what he says & getting to the spirit of it. Any slave can follow orders. You should expect more from yourself.

Etiquette in BDSM- -Submissives are normal everyday people who happen to have one thing in common. They choose to submit to one person (after He/She earns said submission) and then it is the submissive's choice to choose how to address that person.

Beyond Dominance: Humility - A Dominant must have confidence, yes. Confidence in their ability to lead, to make competent decisions, to guide their submissive’s growth. But if confidence becomes hubris, there will be disaster...

Good Manners for Kinky Folks - If you’ve found the alpha of your dreams and he’s talking and interested you don’t want to lose him because you said something rude without realizing it or without thinking about it.

Welcome to the Kinky Community: Here is Your Basket Of Muffins! - Unfortunately, through no fault of your own, you unwittingly arrive covered from head to toe in Newbie Stinkeroo, because nobody is saying "This one is the real thing!  Throw the gates open wide!"

Why Do People Cheat? I'm Asking You As Much As I'm Asking Myself. - Cheating occurs when one party breaks an agreement or commitment to the other person on something you both agreed upon.

Is Love Different in D/s Relationships Compared To Vanilla Ones? - Love comes in many forms and is different in its every occurrence, but the quality of love - that which is immutable, that which remains steadfast and constant - is the same.

The Value of Taking Chances, and Becoming Wiser - Many folks are terrified of taking chances, because WHAT IF I FAIL?!??  Sure, that attitude protects them from disaster, but it also cuts off big, beautiful peaks of triumphant growth and happiness.

Internet Safety Tips - There are bad people in this world. There are abusers. There are extortionists. There are creepy people who follow you with the sole intent of collecting your pictures.

Coming Out as Kinky - Is it even necessary? When and why should you or should you not be open about your sexual interests? In this article I’m going to focus more on the negative side of coming out.

The Big Secret Of Cruising Success In A Bar - Quick and easy social skills. Think of the stereotypical horny and lonely man in a bar.  He is using corny pickup lines with everybody, and he can't seem catch a break, because he appears awkward and desperate.  He'd do so much better if he just knew what to do that WORKED.

Tips For Attending Gay Men's Kinky Play Parties - Courtesy is everything

Male Touch and Skin Hunger - Men have needs that should never be dismissed

Tips For Leather/Fetish Swap Meets - Get what you want, MUCH less expensively

Mid-Life Crisis For Gay Kinksters, Explained:  What Your Dad Never Told You - Tomorrow is Promised to No One

How to Find Your Kinky Tribe - I am very new to this community and have almost no to little experience. I am very interested in wrestling and being hazed and rough housed by masculine men…

Bootblack Etiquette - Here are some tips to help you to understand what is going on, and how to behave

Humor During a Kinky Scene - It's quite nice, if you're not all rigid in a scene

Tips For Attending Gay Men’s Kinky Play Parties - I’ve recently attended my first men’s BDSM play party. My question - a broad one - is how does one navigate such events?

Etiquette in Kinkster Circles - Etiquette in kinkster circles is important because every alpha I’ve ever known is big on respect. Point blank, you need to learn what is considered polite when dealing with fellow kinksters.

Accept Who You Are And Keep It Real! - Some can hold it together a lifetime and, for others, the cracks appear and grow bigger. Either way, the need to explore those dark feelings and desires never go away…

I Am Broadband By Nature: A Master Class on Meeting Face To Face - Trust me.  This approach WORKS, and can lead to intense pleasure, once we have established better trust… on BOTH sides when meeting for the first time before starting kinky play…

How to Filter Reality From the Fantasy - Social media has made it easy to find people that share interests, but how do you recommend that I avoid the trap of fantasy that can happen when chatting on social media, vs the reality of different scenes?

While the map may read: YOU ARE HERE, it’s only the beginning. - Hey um I’m really uncomfortable with my sexuality. To the point that I go through extended periods of hating myself. Can you help me, daddy?

Things I've Learned Along the Way - Having a kink might seem weird or complex, but in the end it’s just liking something people usually don’t. Being different. And that’s ok.

Responsibility (Landmine Story) - imlostinvertigo:  I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.

Am I Unattractive? - If a sub or son were quite heavy, would that turn away potential doms/daddies. I know each one is different, but I mean overall, what tends to be the trend?

Tips For Fitting-In With a Gay Men's Group - Another popular topic.  I go into detail. "I’d like to ask, how is the bear community or the gay community in general in regards to how welcoming they are and friendly? My area currently isn’t very welcoming…"

Women in Leather Bars - a rather popular article. "I went to the Eagle a few years back with some of my gay male friends and I had on this sweet strapless floral dress. I was told I didn’t belong there by the bouncer, like a warning and then a few patrons."

Coming Out Happens in BOTH Directions! - Owning the impact that we make in other people's lives

Making Public Declarations While Standing In Your Power - KINKY PRIDE!

It Gets Better - Your desires are how you cope and heal.

The Things That Float Your Boat, and Jingle Your Jangles - I could stand in front of a whiteboard and draw diagrams that logically explain individual desires, but it would be foolish.  Desire is NOT LOGICAL.  Desire is animalistic.  Instinctive.

Titles & Honorifics - Everyone in the scene has preferred titles but it isn’t simply about preference, it is also a part of identity and can sometimes tell you about the person you’re dealing with.

Skin Hunger and Maintenance Hugs - Many folks never knew this about themselves.

The Value of Taking Chances, and Becoming Wiser

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“When one jumps over the edge, one is bound to land somewhere.”

thedominantprompts: 

Life is a constant balance of risk and reward. The greatest rewards often require the greatest risks in order to pay off. I’ve been continually learning and refining this lesson ever since I was young; rarely if ever will you reap great rewards for low risk taken.

This is what this quote speaks of to me; it speaks of one who has reached an edge, a limit, a stopping point. Often times, when we reach edges and limits, we stop and look. We think, rethink, and second-guess. Many times - maybe most times - we end up taking a step back, or walking away. But when we should choose to jump over the edge - when we push the limit, attempt to break past the barrier, and reach further than some defined line - in that moment when we are metaphorically two feet in the air, we have the opportunity for greatest reward.

What goes up must come down; one is bound to land somewhere. That somewhere may not be where you expected to land. You may miss your mark completely. You may fall in the water; you may fall and tumble. You may have a bad memory of a previous jump over a previous edge that makes you never want to try again. But this is, truly, the essence of life: to fear, and fail, and jump again anyway.

The greatest risk, the greatest fear, the scariest jump that I have observed in my short years is the risk of being yourself. And this can mean any number of things in a number of scenarios. But in the end, it means not worrying about what other people will think or judge, that they’ll find you weird or damaged or lacking. That you’ll deviate from some established societal norm. We certainly know what that feels like in the BDSM community sometimes.

It never becomes easy, really. Repeated practice makes it come quicker, like a battle drill, like standing at the edge of a plane with a parachute on your back, but that moment of fear and panic as you stand at the edge never really goes away no matter how many times you jump.

And that’s what BDSM is to me - heightened risk, heightened reward. For what is risk but making yourself vulnerable to pain and loss? And it’s not just about pain; for some, there’s no pain involved at all. It’s about complete openness, honesty, and communication. Being really fully naked and vulnerable in a raw and real way.

And when we open ourselves to the greatest vulnerability, we leap to the opportunity for the greatest rewards.

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Papa Tony:

I am big fan of taking chances, and then LEARNING from them.

Many folks crave a life that is a flat, horizontal  line.  Nothing changes.  The only person who REALLY lives a life like that is… a dead person.

Many folks are terrified of taking chances, because WHAT IF I FAIL?!??  Sure, that protects them from disaster, but it also cuts off the possibility that life can have big, beautiful peaks of triumphant growth and happiness.

If you keep learning from every experience, and taking more chances, you become WISER.  Then, you still have peaks and valleys in your experiences, but the trend is UPWARDS.  Like this:

So, over time, as we become wiser, the lows aren't AS low, and the highs just keep getting better.

Internet Safety Tips

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temptingdominance:

Amidst all of the wonderful images that tingle you from your spine to your senses, I need to take a moment and talk about something important. I need to impart some fatherly advice – and yes, for this moment, you can call me, Daddy.

BDSM has taken great strides to become a normal, regular expression of desire, emotion, and sexuality, and while impressive changes have occurred, there are still many elements that are subdued. I recognize that the internet remains the single greatest resource for Dominants and submissives to find each other. It can offer a non-judgmental forum for the discussion of interests. However, it is important to remember the world is not a place free from cruelty and malfeasance. I am largely talking to submissives here, but my comments are equally spread around. You need to remain vigilant about protecting yourself.

There are bad people in this world. There are abusers. There are extortionists. There are creepy people who follow you with the sole intent of collecting your pictures.

I have received my share of distasteful messages, to put it lightly, and I know many boys receive terrible things too. You know that those messages don’t define you. I don’t dismiss that they can hurt, but you know that one idiot does not reflect all the wonderfulness that is you. But one can start as a simple sweet message and quickly turn into harassment.

Now I want to turn to something we all know exists but we don’t really talk about because we get so focused on the fulfillment that tumblr can offer. For many boys, tumblr offers an expression to your sexuality. It allows you to connect people who share your interests across the broad spectrum of BDSM. This is especially true when you struggle to find people who live near you. However, online exploitation is a real threat.

I often encourage using common sense and trusting your gut when it comes to BDSM sessions. I want you do the same when comes to online interactions. I hope share some common sense tips with you today. I am not doing this to get on a high horse. As a Dominant, I care very deeply about submissives. I understand you have a more tender heart and you try so hard to please – which is prime for people to take advantage of. My advice here is centered on individuals who have NSFW blogs and submissive-centered blogs.

Never share your full name. Until you have known someone for a long time. I don’t care how you feel. It doesn’t matter if there is an instant connection. Guard your identity.

Do not publicly post enough information for someone to track you down. Don’t list your city, your job, and where you can be found. Don’t make it easy for a creeper to track you down. In other words, don;’t give them enough dots to connect. It is fine to say you live in San Diego, but don’t say you are on the executive board of the lgbtq community center.

Do not provide your cell phone number. Use a messaging application. I don’t care if you are really feeling it. Things can change very fast. Sweet can turn to scary on a dime. Always start with an app, then move to texting.

Do not post photos that are going to also placed on a website that contains information about you (e.g. facebook, school website). Remember google image search. They can and will find you.

It is okay to be reserved with face photos. You do not have to post naked, full face photos to have a great blog. Of course share it when you have made a friend. But my point is that, you can be reserved and that’s okay.

One message doesn’t make submission. Often “real alpha men” message a submissive and demand pictures and offerings. To hell with that. Your submission is to be earned.

Now there is a caveat here that I know everyone is a little different. Some people are a lot more comfortable and confident about sharing information. And what’s okay. My goal in writing this is that you take steps to guard yourself. I wish everyone was wonderful, but there are some bad apples and I don’t want anything to happen to you.

Your submissiveness should go to someone who deserves it, not someone who will take advantage of it.

Now back to our regualrly scheduled sexiness.

service2smmbybj:

sometimes its scary what some people will share on-line with perfect strangers. these things may seem common sense but there are some out there who get caught up in the moment and forget some simple safety reminders. you never know what the person on the other side of the screen is like, so use caution until you have met in person and have learned to trust HIM.

Jack Off First, THEN Negotiate!

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Master Chuck: The word ‘negotiation’ carries overtones of rational business sense, equals seeking a common goal and a general concern for the welfare of everyone concerned. It is not a word one might associate with an exchange between a prospective slave and potential Master.

In the BDSM community, the word ‘claim’ or ‘collar’ is often associated with the image of a naked man on his knees, head bowed, hands behind his back and a fully clothed man, towering above him in a position of authority. The dialog is usually one-sided with the Master dictating the terms and conditions by which the naked man will serve out his remaining days.

For those actually seeking a Master/slave relationship, I have one suggestion: jack off first, thennegotiate!

Fantasy is fun but reality (if it’s going to last longer than a one-time-thing) requires that the needs, wants and desires of both partners be recognized and fulfilled, at least to some extent.

It’s no secret that the “horniness factor” plays a huge factor in us, both psychologically and physiologically. High sexual arousal can sway the decisions we make and increase our threshold to erotic pain. What seemed like a hot idea prior to an orgasm very often seem less so following one.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, submissives do have a brain and they do not lose that brain when they commit to a Dom. No matter how good an actor, a committed slave will almost always loose his commitment and desire to serve if the original fulfillment and chemistry is no longer there. Dominant-submissive relationships can and do last a lifetime when those involved are living life and not attempting to live a script.

I’ve known slaves who have walked away from jobs, relationships and personal lives to follow their dream, only to have their dream turn into a nightmare. It happens when a potential-slave gives away what he needs to exist. It happens when a potential-Master collars a slave without adequately considering the responsibilities that come with ownership. It happens when the commitment to hold the relationship together is too weak and the ‘let’s-give-it-a-shot’ mentality is too strong.

Go after your dream! Search for the yin to your yang! And when you find each other, jack off and then negotiate. You will increase your chances of finding a truly great partner and a relationship that fulfills initially and long term.

Accept Who You Are And Keep It Real!

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"I have to ask: where did you come up with such a straightforward and realistic view of BDSM?"
Master Chuck:

I get some really nice mail from people reading this blog and one of them recently asked the above question. I think those of us who have spent more years without an internet than we have with it, are probably more inclined to be realistic about concepts like BDSM. Prior to the Age of Instant Information, researching and exploring something as taboo as BDSM or power exchange relationships required meeting people, networking and sharing information. It required human interaction. Human interaction is real. The internet has removed the necessity of human interaction and replaced it with graphic images, perfect bodies, perfection. In other words, a fantasy land.

I’ve said before I’ve been fascinated with the power exchange dynamic all my life. Most young boys play games that involve rope and tying each other up. For a few of us, those games were more than games. They were our first glimpses into an erotic double entendre - a kid’s game on the surface but, at the same time, an intriguing encounter with power and control. If one followed his instinct, he likely kept his new fascination to himself.

Not being a particularly brave person, I made a lot of “safe” choices, rather than “satisfying” choices. Marriage, kids, job - all safe. My growing interests in BDSM and all the enticing possibilities of that arena were neatly suppressed - or that was my hope.

Some can hold it together a lifetime and, for others, the cracks appear and grow bigger. Either way, the need to explore those dark feelings and desires never go away and a divorce eventually opened the door to a very different life and the freedom to explore the reality of power exchange.

I moved cautiously but I met real people, made real friends, had real relationships that involved the power exchange dynamic. By meeting people, I discovered there really were couples where one was dominant and called the shots, while the other was submissive and did as he was told. To this day I remember how shocked I was the first time I witnessed an Alpha tell his partner to fetch the paddle and drop his pants - in front of guests, no less! 

The sub did as he was told, accepted the swats and, with a very red face, pulled up his jeans. What I witnessed was not a game or scene but a part of the dynamic that made their relationship work for each of them. Over time I met many power exchange couples, some rigid Master/slave relationships and others more on the Domestic Discipline side.

Meeting people and making friends in the power exchange community eclipses what passes for “social networking” today. Becoming involved in organizations that foster safe, sane and consensual play played a huge role in exposing me to the people, activities and relationships that comprise the real Dominant-submissive community. And with that support mechanism behind me, I have had the opportunity to live and experience the realities of the real power exchange.

All that is still in place and available to anyone who wants it badly enough to step back from the fantasy world of the internet and step into the real world of power exchange. And lest anyone think that living in a large city is required to meet people and be involved, remember that people with a taste for power exchange live everywhere. It’s a matter of finding each other.

The internet is probably the greatest tool of our age but it has made power exchange relationships appear to be all fantasy, without limits and unattainable for anyone living in the real world with a job, family and friends. And that is why I post the commentaries that I do and make an effort to clearly separate what is fantasy and what is reality - sometimes feeling like the Lone Ranger but the positive feedback makes it all worth it.

Accept who you are and keep it real!

I Am Broadband By Nature: A Master Class on Meeting Face To Face

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Question: For both Doms and sub just beginning their search, what is "standard" protocol: meeting face to face early on or getting acquainted via chat and phone calls? Thanks for being an ongoing source of intelligent advice.

servanttrainer:

When I was doing serious hunting, I did so through leather bars, leather groups and friends with similar interests, so I don’t have a lot of experience with this hunting style. So give my comments what they are worth.

Men I have spoken with who hunt this way have told me that if the other party has not been willing to meet face-to-face after three to four chat/email sessions, they do not believe the other person is serious.  I have heard the same thing from my heterosexual friends who have used dating/matching sites.

At the same time, I know of some men who enjoy online domination/submission and do not have any real desire to meet the other person in real time.  In which case, there is no protocol for how soon the two should meet.

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Papa Tony:

Being a perceptive older man, with old habits, I could not IMAGINE any useful reason to meet up with a prospective submissive play-partner for a one-on-one first scene together, without meeting in a neutral space beforehand.  Usually, at a coffee shop, for a good, long chat.

I Am Broadband By Nature

Plain text is useless to me, when evaluating somebody.  The information bandwidth is hardly even a trickle.  I can't make valid decisions about somebody with only 1.7% of the information I need.  I trust my intuition.  Sitting across from somebody, entirely away of the playroom environment, casually chatting before bringing up more serious topics, gives me more of what I want:

• Eye-contact
• Breathing patterns
• Muscle-tension
• Body-Language
• Pupil Dilation
• Sudden, involuntary reactions to what is said.

No, I am not always reading these things CONSCIOUSLY, but I am perceiving them nonetheless, on a deeply intuitive level.  My Bullshit Detector is at full crank, and so is his.  That's the way that I want it.  I want the information between us to be full-spectrum, and in an uninhibited, two-way flow.

I am physically imposing, and very well-known locally as an experienced Dom.  Chances are very good that my prospective playmate is intimidated, and even scared.  He's all tied up in knots, inside his head.  His horniness should never take precedence over his desire to make a good choice.

He may lack confidence in his ability to discern MY intentions, and he has heard horror stories about cruel Doms, while browsing on the Internet.

It's my goal to take ownership of the conversation, and to guide it into ever-increasing trust.

I Am As Transparent As Water

Trust must be earned.  It can't be demanded.  In order to end up with an absolutely transcendent play-scene together later on, it is MY job to create "Trust With A Capital T".  I do this by being as real as any human being can be.  I strip off all artifice, being metaphorically naked in all ways.

Yes, we are still inside the coffee shop at this point! 😀

I don't try to "sell" myself as being Mister Ultimate DomlyDom Who Never Fails.  I know what I am good for, and I am also able to have a good chuckle at my foibles.  Admitting a few foibles is reassuring when engaging in a conversation with somebody who wants the full picture… Not just the shiny side that most folks project.

It's okay to be human.  Any playmate who thinks otherwise is under the impression that "kink exists only as a live-action porn movie".  Either they let go of that fallacy, or they get the heck out of my life.

Telling some stories from past scenes is entertaining, but it's also a good idea for letting the sub see how you are BE-ING… casual, peaceful, informative, attentive and focused.  The sub will perceive "STRENGTH" as opposed to "FORCE".  This is a healthy and evolved way to be.  It's also the purest form of seduction.

Getting Inside The Sub's Physical Space

I may even gesture to the sub that I want to hold his hand, right there in full view of the dozens of students working on their laptops, all around us.  I do this to show MY comfort in exhibiting Public Displays of Affection, and I also do this because it is VERY hard to bullshit somebody when you are close and in physical contact.

If I was theoretically standing eight feet away from him, barking out statements in a monotone, then that is not a comforting and reassuring behavior.  Being up close, making periodic, authentic and kindly eye-contact, being a good example of a patient, attentive and comfortable Sir?  That's how to seduce a timid but eager submissive.

Making Them Jump Through Flaming Hoops

I have said this before: Young folks have trouble detecting subtle social signals, because they have spent way too much time staring at digital screens.  No matter WHAT age a sub may be, I have no interest in flakes.  If I tell a prospective playmate "I will see you at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time," I am actually administering a test.  If they

• Never show up, or
• Show up 47 minutes late without calling ahead, or
• Never show up but text me a day later with some lame-ass excuse

Then they never get another chance to ride the Tony Train.  My time is too damn valuable to waste on somebody who has not made adult decisions about how they will interact with others.  I have raised six foster kids to full adulthood.  There are too many eager subs in the world for me to teach a full-grown ADULT how to have basic good manners.

Deconstructing an Invitation

When I invited that new sub to meet with me at a neutral space, I was consciously creating an "invitation".  In order for an invitation to be complete, it has to be fully understood by all, and it works best when there is a specific time for completion.

Once an invitation has been extended and clearly understood, then the recipient of that invitation has three valid choices.  They are welcome to

Accept  ("I'm here, right on time!  <<<tail wagging>>> Aren't I a good boy?"),
Decline ("I'm not comfortable meeting face to face yet."), or
Renegotiate ("I am on my way, but traffic is terrible.  I may be a few minutes late.")

I am fine with any of those choices.  That's how invitations work.

What does NOT provide a valid fourth reaction is AVOIDANCE.  Yeah, I get it - Maybe the sub is unable to get past the fright-factor.  Maybe some other deeply-interesting thing came up.  Whatever.  If the basic courtesy of respecting my time isn't present, I can't get excited about building an incredible scene of surpassing pleasure and transformation.

Summing Up

This may sound to some folks like I am being even more passive than the sub.  Nope.  I am guiding the flow of the conversation, evaluating the sub's reactions, helping him to get to his next level, and preparing the path toward ultimate mutual ecstasy.  I'm not using Caveman tools ("Me STRONG…. Like OX!"), I am subtle and seductive.

Trust me.  This approach WORKS, and can lead to intense pleasure, once we have established better trust… on BOTH sides.  This scenario weeds out the flakes, doesn't put me in a sad position while I wonder what I did wrong, and saves everybody a bunch of wasted energy.

While the map may read: YOU ARE HERE, it’s only the beginning.

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Anonymous asked : Hey um I’m really uncomfortable with my sexuality. To the point that I go through extended periods of hating myself. Can you help me, daddy?

DirtyDaddyThings:

Bear in mind son, this is like asking a random person to paint the Mona Lisa using nothing but their breath and a sheet of steel. You’ve given me two pieces of information that are so generic I could write almost anything and it would sound like it was getting to the point, but I would be swinging blind and you’d know I’d missed completely but I wouldn’t. That, however, has never stopped me from tryingwhich is all I can do here without more information.



In the broadest of terms ‘being comfortable’ with one’s self is an intensely complex challenge. It’s up there as one of the ‘big ones’ like finding purpose, meaning, happiness or uncovering ‘destiny’. Even discovering this about yourself can be intensely emotional. I’ve seen boys breakdown because they weren’t ‘normal’, having just discovered a new kink or even an aspect of their sexuality they hadn’t explored yet, or that they were improperly gendered.

The revelation of ‘challenges’, which those things represent, can cause frustration, depression, self-depreciation, and much more as all non-’straight’, non-cis folk know well as all of us have experienced it first hand in varying degrees.

For the record: I hate labels with such a passion and fire that I do everything I can to dismantle them as thoroughly as I can because if there was a ‘demon’ in with the skeletons in the closet, it’s labels about who we ARE, what we ARE, and our value when what matters is that we ARE. To hell with those other notions, but that’s a much longer rant for another time.

Your ‘comfort’ is most likely, again speaking in the broadest/statistically common factor, the result of that kind of ‘challenge’. It represents you not being ‘average’ or ‘normal’ (insert angry bear sound at those words) and that means you have to either sacrifice being in the ‘normal crowd’ (insert laughter at the idea of normal crowd) or you have to do horrible things to yourself that have only one end: the destruction of any stable psychological/emotional/spiritual sense of self.



Upon discovering your uniqueness, the very first choice you are given is to be alone (which is untenable because of the nature of things) or to ‘end’ that self that is different. Is it any wonder we have such universal challenges like depression, anxiety, and the rest? We’re virtually neverwelcomed ‘into the world’ before the ‘world’ tells us we’re wrong. The truth is that none of that is real or true or both. This may sound a little counter-intuitive but I think that’s where we need to go here to find your answer: away from ‘cognitive intuition’ and into something deeper.

There is no such thing as those things that are pushing you to be different from who you are; They are the lie you’ve been told and accepted. There is no ‘normal’ person and if it does exist, it’s so rare that in 7 billion, you might find it every few generations. This person who is just like everyone else.. the idea frightens me really. A ‘blank’ who fits in everywhere wouldn’t be a ‘person’ because what makes us so is that we don’t fit in everywhere.

We aren’t meant to. That’s not how the universe works on any level so it’s rather deluded to assume that on our ‘level’ it does. That’s like saying you wouldn’t get drawn into a black hole because you’re made of ‘special atoms’ because you’re homo-’sapiens’. There’s no amount of ‘fabulous’ that can change the way things work in the universe. As much as we’d like to think so, you just can’t ‘out Queen’ a black hole.



The universe has some pretty simple rules: Everything has a place, everything fits and it all works when it is where it belongs. Please note that ‘getting it’ or ‘understanding’ really aren’t in those basic principles because what we do as humans (drawing lines, making connections between concepts and assigning value to unrelated things) has little to do with the universe itself and more to do with what we do in that structure.

Everything “Fits” :

There is nothing that isn’t created using the same template, a base code of atoms and chemicals and structures. It manifests in an incredible diversity worthy of the duality of it’s source because it is both simple and complex in the same breath. You are you because billions of atoms obey the rule of “Fit” and “purpose” set out by that ‘template’ that created the code that became the chains of color pallets known as DNA. Every single human has the same base code because we all ‘fit’ in that same sense as an extension of our ‘atoms’ fitting in cosmos.

This means that from long before you could possibly have existed, you were ‘right with the cosmos’ and belonged here but you aren’t always aware of it or able to sense those things because you aren’t yet ‘where’ you (as grand component) fit yet. This happens at every level as well. Things come together, form shapes, change and separate making new bonds and forming new things but ultimately nothing remains ‘rogue’ for long at all. It just FEELS like you don’t fit because you aren’t ‘fitting’ at the moment. You’re not wrong but you aren’t right about the grander scale on which you do, and will again, fit perfectly. By way of this metaphor for life, nothing is a ‘universal’ fit because we all have unique bonds to make as part of creating a structure.



Everything has a “Place”.

You are here. Virtually every map in a building has this marker so you know where you start your journey. There’s no indicator, on said map, of where you’re going or a hint or guide of how to get to that place you have an idea of but no clue where it resides. You’ve got an idea that the world is a big place and that somewhere in all of it, there’s somewhere you fit and are happy, but no clue how to get there.

This is where ‘feeling different’ becomes a threat to happiness. A triangle isn’t going to fit in a round hole of the same size without being bent, turned or cut down to fit but it will NEVER be a circle no matter how hard it’s ‘shaped’, it will always be what could have been a triangle. That’s what we do to ourselves when we try to conform every part of our uniqueness to the ‘hole’ given to us at the start. That’s the thing though, it’s just the ‘start’ and virtually never does a piece begin and end in the same spot. “You are here” is only the first rung on the ladder you’ll climb and no indicator of where you’ll go or what you’ll do on your journey. Those are as unique as you are.

So why does the map exist at all then? It’s the result of people who have been before you but it’s not meant to say ‘this is the only way’ but it is the only ‘example’ you could be given: the result of someone’s journey who went before you. They weren’t ‘constructed’ like you are, weren’t meant to fit the way you will because they weren’t YOU.

Following the atomic metaphor a little further, atoms are passed along because of environmental stresses. Sometimes we come together to form greater structures and other times the bonds aren’t stable (read: aren’t the right fit) and so we break apart and then move along following that ‘ladder’ or ‘chain’ of elements as we move along searching for that ‘fit’.

It’s scary but the only way to truly find that ‘place’ is to be you. In the absence of a genuine sense of self, you can never find a sense of belonging because it won’t be YOU that belongs, just that version of you that was created (by you and outside pressures) for the sole purpose of fitting in. It denies the idea that you could fit in better somewhere else and that to one degree or another you must do so because that’s why you are here after all. Denying that creates false self of place that leaves us feeling uneasy, nauseous because it’s unstable, and we always turn to ourselves as source of that problematic perception. It is, again, a fallacy. The situation/place isn’t wrong and neither are we, but the fit is because you aren’t yet where you need to be.

Everything has purpose.

This one gets ‘sticky’ and is very messy because it can challenge everything else because it’s the big ‘debate’ in philosophy, religion and psychology. Do we have purpose? Does that purpose entail a ‘power’ creating that purpose? The questions go on and on but are a byproduct of assumptions about the universe that are entirely our own creation. They don’t ultimately have any impact on the fact that everything has purpose and that the purpose has no ‘value’ in and of itself.

What I mean by the last is that since we assign value, one of our many human traits, we create this sense of measure that one thing is better than another. We discriminate. It’s our nature.We choose left or right based on one of those being better because of experience/learning but as we are constantly evolving, those choices aren’t always the ‘right’ ones. We push concepts onto the fabric of the universe and somehow expect it to ‘agree’ with us but that’s not how it works.

We’re all the same basic things, a few different kinds of atoms being shoved around until we form shapes by Forces like gravity and such. So too with the nature of human existence. It has no ‘value’ in and of itself, but we create those things when we ascribe meaning and purpose to it which is why we so desperately search for something outside ourselves to give it to us: because we know we can make mistakes and being mistaken about our purpose feels like a terrible fate we want to avoid.

Let me tell you a little about me as a way of illustrating this point. I have chosen to move, to follow the ‘pattern’ and to ‘drift’ a little now and again. I go where I am ‘needed’ rather than where I feel like I ‘should’ go because I know that should is an expectation and not a reality. The reality is that where I am now is a byproduct of being tugged at by a situation, a need in a specific area, or just a sense that ‘this’ is the new ‘place’ for a time. I’ve migrated my whole life and what I’ve learned is that I belong everywhere. I’m far from ‘normal’ but what I do and who i am IS needed virtually everywhere I have landed.

I build connections, create community, strengthen bonds and heal rifts. I weave things and mostly spend my days ‘healing’ the fabric around me. It’s what I do here on tumblr in spite of my original intention of just being a dirty old man since that wasn’t a side of me I got to really express in my day to day because it didn’t ‘fit’ with that situation. Instead my natural tendencies came to the surface as reflex because they were needed by people like you who felt alone, lost or just frightened.

When I was younger I tried to take my own life because I didn’t feel ‘connected’ didn’t have a ‘group’ I felt I ‘belonged to’ because my sexuality made me feel ‘different’ and that in discovering it I had become disconnected. The terrible truth was that I didn’t ‘belong’ anywhere.

In.

Particular.

Where I was at the time, the place and social groups, were made of disparate ‘isolated’ elements that came together around me. I brought those like me together, the ‘isolated’ lost and ‘cast out’, and formed communities. Eventually I found myself drifting away from that and to a new place where there was ‘nothing’. Only to repeat the process there.

How do you find “Purpose” when you have no “place”? You come to understand the illusion of those things while accepting that it was your understanding of them previously that created the illusions. The truth is, I belong wherever I am because I am needed there. Time will come, as it always does, that I will ‘move’ again. While I may yearn for the ‘quiet life’ of house, fence, kids and dogs, my ‘purpose’ is to ‘create spaces’ as I do here and to share what I have learned of being ‘place-less but with purpose’ because it allows me to form ‘greater’ structures around me than you might if you had a perfect fit in a particular place. My place, it seems, is the whole confusing, complex, crazy, thing. 

Anywhere. Everywhere. Right here and now because you reached out to me.

It is why I so desperately try to engender a simple understanding in others: that you are critical in your natural state. I don’t mean ‘younger you’ I mean the real you, the deeper true you, because that is what bears purpose and can help find or create place. I may have tried to be an artist, danced my way through years of my life, and been a warrior who defends those at risk around him, but those were never the real me. The real me.. you get to glimpse him here. None of this would exist if I had continued to fight the fact that I was endowed with my unique tool set and that with that came a ‘purpose’ that didn’t ‘fit’ everywhere.

You’re struggling with ‘fitting in’ and understanding why you are the way you are, but the struggle isn’t really with those ‘facts’ about yourself: it’s with the way they ‘fit’ with society and your environment. While it can be a survival strategy to ‘conceal’ those parts of yourself you must explore them safely. I don’t mean go out and do everything your sexuality entails, I mean explore: read, discover that you’re not the only person out there with your sexuality and that in such a discovery find community and get to know what it’s like when people with a shared trait create such a space together.

Remember to breathe. Give yourself a little time. Discover the borders of the pieces of your ‘self’ that don’t ‘fit’ where you are and the discomfort they create and then set yourself on the journey of finding that ‘place’ and ‘fit. It could be as simple as fitting with just one other piece with complimentary borders.

While the map may read: YOU ARE HERE, it’s only the beginning.

I know there’s much more specific you want to ask me. This was, you could say, a primer for what comes next. Ask me what you will and I’ll answer as best I can, but remember I’m the kind of person that will write a book in an answer because I feel you are worthy of it and because what YOU are enduring is a battle other people face daily and if I can ‘double down’ on what my work can do, I will do so.

Tell me what is truly bothering you about your sexuality and we’ll go from there but remember this lesson as a ‘square one’ “you are here” moment. The next steps we’ll take together and see what road opens for you that you might not have seen before.

Until then, you have my best wishes.

-Daddy

Coming Out as Kinky

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Alexander Martin:

Is it even necessary? When and why should you or should you not be open about your sexual interests? In this article I’m going to focus more on the negative side of coming out. This is NOT because I believe coming out as a kinkster is not important, valuable, or the right way to live your life. I explore them because I want anyone reading this to be aware of pitfalls BEFORE you do it so you can carefully take stock of your own situation.

- How important is kink to you?: This question is the absolute crux of the issue. Are you someone who enjoys a light spanking but could otherwise take or leave kink? Then you may not find it worth coming out as being open as a kinkster can have some negative consequences. I would advise that unless kinkster is a core part of your identity. If you NEED a Sir or a boy and to live the life within kink framework that is where coming out carefully and selectively is most valuable. After all, it truly is a blessing to have important people know you for who you really are.

- Work: Almost all of the time, no. Do not be out at work. There are some work spaces where co-workers have an almost familial bond and you feel like nothing bad could ever happen to you. Maybe in that instance it’s ok to be known as a kinkster. Imagine you are good friends with a co-worker, mention that you’re into kink to them, and maybe even show them some pics of you at a leather bar with a guy you’re seeing. Later, a disagreement occurs, or perhaps you’re promoted over them, and they’re suddenly threatening to show that information to your boss. Workplaces can openly fire you for being a kinkster and they could even mention it to another job doing a background check resulting in further issues and make it hard to get away from that bad situation.

- Friends: Friends are probably the safest space to come out in. Be mindful of who you’re telling and try to get a sense of what they think of kink on a nebulous level beforehand though. After all, hearing “I dunno, it’s not for me.” is not as revealing as “They’re all freaks and I hope I never run into one of them.” In all likelihood you’ll already have a good sense of who to tell and who not to tell. If you’re revealing information selectively, be sure to add to the conversation that you’re telling someone because you feel close to them and the information is not general knowledge.

- Parents: I wouldn’t. Parents do have a right to not be confronted with their kid’s sexuality. After all most of us would be mortified to see or think about our parents having sex. So we do them the same courtesy they do us and obscure it as best we can for the sake of familial comfort. So keep your dungeon locked while parents are visiting.

- Partner: As I said earlier, it really matters how important this is to you. If you’ve recently discovered how important kink is to you I would encourage you to tell your partner. Be upbeat about it. Talk about it as a moment where you’ve gained some clarity on yourself and wanted to share. Make sure to present it as a positive thing. After all, knowing yourself better and thus what makes you happy should strengthen a relationship. If your partner isn’t conducive to the kind of play you need to engage in, ask if you can play outside of the relationship. Take it slow, remember, he’s processing all this for the first time right now. How long did it take you to get to where you are now?

As for dating, should you come out to them? Again, depends on what you need and how important it is to you. What if you want to live the lifestyle? You should be talking it through with every guy you meet. It should be a part of every profile you have. If you want to engage in some spanking or rough sex now and again, mention it when the conversation is on sex anyways. You want to make the tone of the conversation that you dabble in some light kink and they seem like a fun person to play with.

- Closing thoughts: We’ve only got one life to live and it is a beautiful thing to be known, accepted, and loved for who we are at our core. Sometimes that means we can cultivate a group of people who can embrace and treasure every aspect of us as the unique creatures we are.

Etiquette in Kinkster Circles

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Alexander Martin:

I imagine a lot of men will skip past this post, but etiquette in kinkster circles is important because every alpha I’ve ever known is big on respect. Point blank, you need to learn what is considered polite when dealing with fellow kinksters. If you’ve found the alpha of your dreams and he’s talking and interested you don’t want to lose him because you said something rude without realizing it or without thinking about it. While you may not always know why an alpha went silent on you, reading through what’s below should at least help eliminate behavior as a cause.

In general:

- Remember you are here to SERVE: You are serving an alpha. That means your focus should be on him. When I hear “What would you do to me?” That’s a real fast turn off. It implies that you’re here to jack off or that you’re focused on what you’ll get out of it. I have spoken to a number of subs who assure me this is just so they know what they’re in for. Fine, I’m sure that’s true for some folks out there, but try this instead. First, have a conversation with the dominant, get to know him, and be attentive to him. Much later in the conversation if you’re sure you want to play, ask him “what are play sessions like with you generally?” There is no reference to self in this question but it still gets the information you want.

- Learn someone’s title and use it: If you meet someone for the first time and their preferred title is not apparent, then introduce yourself and use your preferred title, and then ask for theirs.

Example:

“Hi! I’m sub Ethan! What do you like to be called?”

“Hi, I’m faggot Sebastian! How may I address you?”

Titles are usually pretty personal and at minimum it lets you ask why they chose that title to kick off a conversation.

- Be mindful of whom you taunt: Some men will taunt dominants to make them act in a more intense fashion. Some dominants enjoy that kind of mouthing off from submissives but me and others do not. As a dominant I have to maintain a large degree of self control to play safely and respect your limits and pain tolerance. You taunting me I feel is disrespectful and challenges my self control. I’d rather drop all the toys and walk away than I would engage in that kind of play. In short, do NOT engage in taunting with a dominant you do not know. Respect the fact that a first time play session is often about finding boundaries and exploring, do not expect that they’ll immediately jump into intense play but do be vocal about whether you’re enjoying it or not. Give constant feedback.

Online:

- Full profile: Have a full profile! That means face, body, ass and/or dick, pics of past play experiences, text about yourself and what you’re looking for. It is 2015, pics are mandatory get as many as you can and be sure they’re representative. Now, if you’re not out, well then it is ok to tell someone you’re not out, and offer to send a face pic once you’ve seen their face pic so you can be sure you’re not sending it to someone you know.

-Trading pics:

When you want to see someone else’s pics, offer up at least one of yourself first in addition to asking. Don’t wait to be asked, do it automatically as a courtesy. Because of guys who will ask to see your pics and automatically block me, i offer to exchange pics on a one to one ratio. I send a pic of whatever they send me. No one gets to see my dick unless they send me a their dick or ass first. That way if I’m going to be blocked i can at least see who was so inconsiderate to do that. Speaking of which, it’s ok to politely say ”Thanks so much for trading pics. I’m sorry, but it turns out we’re not a match after all. I wish you best of luck in your search.” and part ways amicably rather than blocking and coming off like a dick. Men talk, it’ll catch up to you eventually.

- If you say you will show up, show up: Everyone complains about flakes, so don’t be one. Never agree to show up if you have no intention of showing up or might not be able to make it. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t show. One of the amazing things about kink is that MOST fantasies can be realized!!! Don’t miss out jacking off at home and being sad when you had someone who wanted to play and you flaked out on them.

I’m also going to be honest and admit, early on that I too flaked on a few guys. The 3rd time it happened, I stopped and thought about why it was I hadn’t hooked up with him or the other two men who had contacted me and been interested. I realized that I was feeling rather neutral on each of them. They weren’t ugly, or rude, but nor was I especially aroused by them. I swore to myself that being aware of the cause I would fix that behavior. Now, when I am neutral on a boy, I don’t commit to meeting up unless something about him really grabs my attention.

Lastly, if something does come up unexpectedly and you really truly cannot make it. Explain what’s going on, admit it makes you sound like a flake, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule another time. If possible do it right then and there, be aggressive about narrowing down a day and a time to meet up that works for you both. When the day comes, send a short message just confirming you’re still on, and then show.

- Respond to messages: Some guys sign online and they have so many messages they can’t possibly respond to them all. MUST BE NICE ;)! For the rest of us, let’s be honest and polite with each other upfront. If someone takes the time to message (and they are not rude) you should respond because it’s what you’d want from someone you are into. When I’m disinterested in the person messaging me, I let them know. If I’m not digging them at all then I’ll write: “Sorry, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. Best of luck in your search :)!” If I don’t want to play, but they sound interesting: “I am sorry, but we’re not a match. I am still interested in speaking with you though if you’d like.” And include whatever it was in their profile that drew your attention. Worse comes to worse a new friendship with a fellow kinkster is a valuable thing. Keep in mind that many men don’t make it clear why exactly they’re messaging, even if you’re not into them they may have a question about a kink you enjoy or someone you know. Don’t jump the gun on rejecting anyone until you know they want sex and you don’t.

In the dungeon:

- DO NOT interrupt someone else’s scene: It is usually OK to watch quietly so long as you are not distracting the people playing. If you see someone doing something that is dangerous, find a dungeon monitor and ask them. It is a dungeon monitor’s job to step in if someone is behaving dangerously, not yours. Dungeon monitors often know the players pretty well and you might be surprised how at a glance someone’s scene and say “oh he’s done that 30 times its fine.”

- It’s OK to ask someone about their scene after they’re done: If someone did something particularly amazing in a scene, it is OK to ask if they would like to play with you. It’s also OK to ask about how they did what they did, or where they learned to do it. It’s sometimes OK to ask how they mitigate the dangers in what they do if you’re curious but tread carefully as some alphas have delicate egos and may take that question personally.

Titles & Honorifics

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Alexander Martin:

Everyone in the scene has preferred titles but it isn’t simply about preference, it is also a part of identity and can sometimes tell you about the person you’re dealing with.

Dominants often use: Sir, Alpha, and Master

Submissives have used: Boy, Faggot, Bitch, and Omega.

Personally, i choose Sir. I choose Sir because it is formal, using it means speaking respectfully to me. I do not use Master. Aside from feeling a bit theatrical to me, i do not feel i have earned the title “Master”. I have not mastered many skills yet and to an extent i personally believe there is always more to learn so i’m not sure “Master” would ever fit me.

Under @Alexander Martin, i did an entry about the differences between fags, boys, and omegas. While i do believe in what i wrote, i primarily was writing about the motivations of submissives as i see them relate to the titles as i’ve experienced them in the wild. Understanding those motivators is very important and in fact, had i not taken the time to understand @bredbeta, he would not be my boy today. His primary motivator is respect and his preferred title is boy.

When you meet someone and you don’t know what else to say, it is a useful kick starter to ask what their preferred title is.

Welcome Aboard: Pay Attention. This Will Be On the Test!

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I’m a new Dom and I wanna know, how do people afford all this? I had to work overtime to afford an event.  I see all these people going to several events a year and having all this nice gear and I feel like I’m not good enough. Is this feeling normal? 

Papa Tony:

Of Course.  This Has Been True All Along. 

It’s too easy to get caught up in the pageantry and the one-upsmanship of what we see on Tumblr, at public events, or in the general media. It’s primate nature to put on dominance displays to assert an unassailable position in the hierarchy.

For goodness’ sake - you’re a Dom, and the obviously more Domly-Doms got there ahead of you!  How is anybody ever to compete with that? Easy… don’t.

It’s part of dominance displays to convey nonverbal communication.   It’s not much different from lizards doing push-ups on a flat rock, showing off their colorful bellies and inflating their throats.

I found this image at random.  Please don’t prejudge these men.

Folks with the most impressive gear and gew-gaws may not even consciously be aware that they are blowing new folks out of the water.  It’s just primate chest-thumping on a subconscious level.
None of it is to the advantage of the new, the shy and the uncertain ones.  That’s why so few of them stick around, after bouncing off of the indifference of others.  Sound familiar?

The Law of the Jungle prevails.  Usually.  Here is How We Get Past That. 

I’m happy to tell you, kinky success has NOTHING to do with competition, what you wear, or how much you spend.  Really.

In the gay leathermen’s titleholder contests that I have judged, a common question is something to the effect of “If I am dressed in a pink bathrobe, underwear and fuzzy slippers, am I still a leatherman?”

To those of us who have been around a long time, the obvious answer is “YES!!!” The distinction shows up between two phases:  “Wearing Leather,” and “LIVING Leather.” This is expressed in the phrases “Damn!  I look GOOD in this,” versus “I can’t wait to thrill the hell out of my sub with this!”
Not everyone shifts into the second stage.  That’s normal, healthy and fine.

From what you say, I see that you are poised to join us in the actively-kinky Tribe.  Good for you!

Mastering the Craft 

You can spend $500 on a kinky toy, just like I can buy a gym membership at the swankiest fitness club in town.   The concept is the same. It doesn’t do you any good if you don’t apply yourself.   I know folks with massively complete toy collections who are mediocre (or worse) when it comes to thrilling the submissives.  Oh, the stories I could tell!

Brag Alert 

I can go to any huge, international kinky play-party with a single toy - an inexpensive flogger - or even no toys at all, and every sub in the building will want some of what I am sharing.  I have honed my technique, my sensitivity and perception, and my desire for excellence, and it SHOWS.

I have been a new guest at kinky play parties with over a hundred participants where the entire building empties into the area around me, forming two semicircles (completely spontaneously), just to watch what I can do with the one, simple toy that I brought to the party.

Yes, I am bragging.  But I say all of this to make an overarching point.   I know my stuff, because I never stop learning and growing.

Chuck Norris 

The “Walker, Texas Ranger” actor was in the movie “Enter the Dragon” as a martial artist. If you’ve studied the defensive arts, you will notice that he doesn’t demonstrate hundreds of styles and techniques, and that’s good. He doesn’t need to. The few things that he DOES know, he demonstrates with grace, balance and supreme expertise.  He kicks ass at kicking people in the head, primarily.

It’s The Same in Kink 

You don’t have to attend eighteen years of Kinkology Kollege before you are worthy of respect in the community. Others may disagree.   Don’t listen to them. Try a few perverted, twisted things to see which tickles your fancy. Once you’ve tried the buffet, dive deeper into what pleases YOU the most.  Strive for excellence that pleases and satisfies YOU.

 Once word gets around that you are the local Rope Guru, or the Oracle of Hot Wax, and that you care deeply about growing, learning and sharing, word will spread.  Subs will actively seek you out.  A lot.  Other Doms will befriend you for all of the best reasons.

Credibility is Currency 

Many folks think that money is the most important currency. I disagree.  I LIKE money.  However, I know better.  Money can’t buy ANY amount of credibility.

Being a solid citizen: dependable, authentic, diligent and dedicated to excellence, will attract folks with similar viewpoints and skill-sets.  Living in integrity takes you out of the realm of “COMPETITION!!!!,” and over to the side of “Kindness And Cooperation.”  Look forward to a long life full of friends who support and sustain you.

Don’t be fooled or impressed by $3,000 outfits or $20,000 kinky furniture. They are delightful, but they are beside the point, unless your deepest desire is to astonish people with swanky belongings.

Welcome to the Newly-Arrived Dom 

You are new in the Tribe. I honor you. We ALL had to start somewhere.  You are one hundred percent as valuable as I am in our community.  Yes, I have been on the same upward path of personal growth for decades longer than you, but we are ON THE SAME PATH.

In return for any help that I offer in my writings and videos, I ask that you return the favor by helping new superstars when it is YOUR turn.  There is no rush:  Take care of your OWN needs in the meantime.

I wish you great success in the realms of dedication, expertise, honorable ways and constant growth.
Welcome aboard!