Coming Out Happens in BOTH Directions!

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Papa Tony:

A good buddy wrote to me with some rather personal sharing, which I will not quote here.  The basic gist is that he had a recent semi-confrontation with his dad, who eventually ended the conversation with a clumsy hug.

This is the same dad who had erupted with religious fervor and condemnation a few years earlier when the son came out as gay.  Here is what I said in response, but expanded a bit:

Here is an outsider’s perspective:  Your dad is trying to adjust his brain processes, in favor of loving and accepting you, after having been programmed in judgmental ways during his whole life.  He is improving, but it’s probably hard for you to see.  

Please understand:  COMING OUT works in both directions, every single time.  Yes, you have to come out, in order to share your truth, and live your life authentically.  However, the folks we come out TO have to do a lot of brain-rewiring as well, and it can take years to happen.  Give him time, and loving patience.  He’s catching up.

In my own case, I came out to my large, hyper-religious family in 1975, and I was certain that I would never have any positive relationship with any of them, ever again.  I put it right out of my mind.  Reject ME?  Not if I reject you first!  HA!

What happened instead was that my six sisters reached out and let me know that they were cool with their gay brother, and that they missed me.  The entire family adjusted in their own ways over the years.  My three older brothers adore my sweet husband of 28 years.

I became the family peacemaker, and quite early on. I have always been deep, and in constant search of useful wisdom and balance.  I have no certificates on the wall to validate my abilities, nor have I ever taken a class on the topic of Philosophy.  Yet, I have innate perception, and can see the larger perspective.  

My family needs and treasures that part of me.  If I drift away, then High Drama tends to erupt in my absence.

If family drama and disagreement arise (and there tends to be a lot of that sometimes), I have always been trusted to find the answer where everybody gets to win.  Conflicts evaporate quickly, instead of festering and building.

Just a few days ago, my oldest sister told me “You are the Family Patriarch, and I am the Matriarch.”  I have been told many times I am the favorite brother, uncle and Great Uncle, hands down.

In 1975, I would NEVER, ever have predicted that.  So, be patient, give it time, and who knows?  

Things really could get better.

It Gets Better

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Correspondent #1:

Hello Sir, I’m a confused, 21 year old, anxious boy from Germany and I could need some advice. You seem to be the right person to ask, so I‘d be happy if I can talk to you about my problems.
So I’m not quite sure how to start this. I’m actually straight. Or I pretend to be straight. But for years now, I have sexual fantasies with a man. And they are not normal gay fantasies. 
I want to be dominated by an older dominant man. Have a relationship with him in which I am the sub part. I’m not into this extreme BDSM, but I wish for a Daddy - Boy relationship, I think something in that direction. 
I have so many weird fantasies and I just can’t stop them. How can I help myself out of it? Do you have any advice?

Correspondent #2:

How can I full embrace being the bottom submissive boy that I want to be?
I started sleeping with men in my early 20’s it was occasional. As I went through my 20’s I began sleeping with primarily men main older men daddy types. It’s been through that process that I’ve discovered I enjoy being a bottom and tend be more submissive. Now in my early 30’s I find myself just inches away from being a bottom sexually and only being with daddies. 
I’ve been on and off with an older gentleman for the past couple of years. However I feel it’s if for good. For some reason as I get closer to fully accepting my sexuality and getting into the community, I pull back and question everything.
I’m 33. Maybe I’m just worried about making such a change. I’m very private about this stuff and no one really knows that I feel this way. Maybe I’m just stopping myself. Maybe I’m self sabotaging.

Looking At Life From The Other End Of The Telescope

When I was around eleven years old, I had a fantasy that kept coming back to me.  Half a century later, I still remember it vividly.  I wanted a much-older version of myself to come back in a time machine.  I wanted the gray-bearded Tony to show up and tell me what the hell was going on.  I wanted the older me to give me some hope that things wouldn’t be so scary some day…
That never happened.  It was a lovely fantasy, though.

Eight years later, I was in the Navy, and STILL hadn’t come out to myself about my secret, forbidden and sinful desires.  I considered my desires to be something that I wanted to cut out of my life like a diseased limb.  I was spiraling downward.  I wasn’t handling it well at all.  I could only see problems that terrified me.

Imagine looking into the wrong end of a telescope.  Everything looks small and far away.  It’s a very distorted view.

I had the immense good fortune to get some counseling from an older gay man.  The conversation lasted a total of one hour, and we never crossed paths again.  His words were a pivot-point in my life, that helped me to become the happy, happy man that I am today:

IT’S NOT A PHASE.  Fighting it is pointless.  Embrace that part of yourself with joy. 
Life gets SO MUCH better.

I took those words to heart.  The telescope was turned around the right way.  Suddenly, I was looking at a life for myself that had enormous vistas of pleasurable and satisfying possibilities.

I was no longer a victim of circumstance.  I became the captain of my own ship, and I could steer my life in whatever direction I chose.

My Life As It Is, Now

I am loved.  I am surrounded with friends, lovers and life-companions who are endlessly satisfying and pleasurable.  Every day is a paradise, compared to where I used to be.  This is because I made a conscious choice to embrace ALL of the parts of myself, so many years ago.  My heart was no longer clenched like a fist.

I’ve said it in another article:

That which you resist, persists.

That means that fighting something that is inherent inside you is useless and futile.  I dove deep into my pleasures, and I never looked back.  As I took chances and learned from experimentation and the wisdom of others, MORE possibilities showed up.

My life opened up like a flower.  Decades later, I am still blossoming-forth into the world, and the world around me appears to be damn glad that I did.

I am greeted with affection wherever I go.  I have everything that I value in life. My life is in balance.   Every bit of that is true because I embraced who I truly am.  I live my life out loud, and proud!
I want that for YOU.

The following sassy gay-men’s phrase from forty years ago is applicable to how I felt when I was feeling scared, and so very sorry for myself:

Get Off The Cross, Sweetie - Somebody Needs The Wood

I mean this in a very loving, approving way.  Years later, I can laugh about what happened.  I warmly embrace that long-ago, desperately frightened and younger me, knowing EXACTLY how much richer and flavorful my life would become.

Now, I get to say the same thing to whoever is reading this, with the hope of making a similar difference in YOUR life:

Be good to yourself.  Take ownership of your dreams and fantasies.  Don’t sit on the sidelines… Get into the game of life with gusto and pleasure.

Those desires that frighten you, are calling to you for very good and valid reasons - Those desires are how you cope and heal.  They complete you, and round out your character.  Thrusting those desires away from you just delays the paradise that your life could become.

Come On - Dive In!  The Water Is Fine!

Paraphrasing Dan Savage:

It really does get better!