Searching for a D/s partner?

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dominant-daddy:

How do I find a Daddy? A frequently asked question here on tumblr. How does one find a suitable partner? In this essay I will attempt to give some pointers, do’s and don’ts, warning signs and general help, advice and information on how one can accomplish this. For the sake of continuity and simplicity I will address a male as the Dominant and a female as the submissive. This is, of course, gender universal and for the most part will apply equally to Daddy’s/Doms/Masters/little’s/slaves, etc. except where indicated.

To begin with, let me clarify one misconception regarding searching for a D/s partner. You may have heard the phrase “it’s not much different than searching for a vanilla partner”. This is not strictly true. Why you may ask? First, the very nature of who and what you are searching for makes for a very unique search in a very narrow playing field.

Secondly, BDSM is not wide spread in mainstream society which makes the search a lot more specific. In part, this could be said for a vanilla search but one would have to be extremely lucky if they could find their dream Dom/sub at work or a chance encounter in the local Wal-Mart! After the vanilla partners have established compatibility and agreed to enter into a relationship, well… that’s pretty much the ground work accomplished. 

In the BDSM realm, when searching for a partner, that’s only the first hurdle cleared. A very important hurdle but there’s a lot more communication required before any D/s relationship can be entered into. Both partners may very well be compatible as a ‘vanilla’ couple but when D/s is introduced; it can very easily fall apart due to incompatibilities. There is a different level of trust, respect and communication. 

D/s relationships take an enormous commitment and any venture down that road should not be taken lightly. Forcing it or forcing a partner who does it only to make the other happy is not in a healthy committed relationship.

Websites such as FetLife and Collar Me are two of the most popular kink related sites one could begin a search (plus Recon.com for gay men). These are basically a social network for kinksters that offer personal profiles for members, message boards, groups, news and information of upcoming local BDSM meets or munches, etc.

Tips for actively seeking a partner online:

• Write an interesting profile in the ‘about me’ section. Include a description of yourself. State what you like/dislike and what you want/do not want from a partner.
• Members with a decent profile tend be taken more seriously with regards to seeking a relationship.
• Add your interests to the list in the ‘Fetishes’ section (below the about me). Include all your fetishes or kinks you are interested in try. (Preferences to choose from; giving, receiving or everything to do with it)
• Add photos to your profile. (At your own discretion)
• Join some of the groups that appeal to you. (use the search function)
• Search for your type of partner in your area.
• Search for munches in your area.

BDSM Munch vs Meet

A munch is a social gathering of likeminded kinksters who are interested in or involved in BDSM. Munches are meant to help, allow the chance to meet others, become more comfortable and better informed for newcomers or those that are curious to the lifestyle. They are normally informal meetings with the main purpose of socializing and fetish wear or any BDSM play is discouraged from taking place. They can also be a place to get advice or information.

Attending a Munch (Source: submissiveguide.com)

A BDSM meet or ‘play-party’ is a meeting or gathering of people interested in BDSM with the intention and purpose of engaging in BDSM activities. Fetish wear and play are highly encouraged!

Attending a play party (Source: xeromag.com)

Online safety & etiquette (Submissives)

Unfortunately, FetLife does have a minority of predators searching for their ‘prey’. Some of the most common examples of this type of behaviour to be aware of are:

Inappropriate questions or suggestive comments during initial contact or early in the conversation. Asking things such as, ‘what are you wearing’, ‘do you like [x]’ and ‘would you like to play’ are all indicative of predatory behaviour and an obvious sign of someone looking for cybersex as opposed to a serious D/s relationship.

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy should be a warning sign. Your internal ‘alarm bell’ is ringing and alerting your gut instinct. Listen to it!

Any type of question, remark, comment or unwanted behaviour should be taken as a red flag (The giveaway sign that all is not well, something doesn’t add up or is just plain wrong! If you feel threatened, hit the ignore button and move along)

Do they ask to be addressed by title? A clear sign of a so-called Dom! If you’re asked to call him Sir, etc. he obviously has no idea of what the essence of a D/s relationship is about! Move on. Titles are earned not demanded.

Eager to start a relationship. Another clear red flag. Trust takes time to establish, it can take from weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to move to that level and commit to a relationship.
Communication. Is he open and honest with you? If he is unwilling to talk or evades questions you need to take note. Listen for inconsistencies in conversations too. If he keeps changing his story you should question his intentions towards you.

Conquests. Does he boast about his previous partners or trash talk them? One day this could be you he is disrespecting!

Does he try to impress? Any so called Dominant that shouts his worth to prove how ‘dominant’ he is…probably isn’t. Self-praise and self-admiration are clear indicators of a self-proclaimed Dom.

Ignore.

Are your best interests HIS intentions? Does he push you to be the best you can be or just push you in a manipulative manner? Remember there’s a fine line between dominance and domineering.

Do they appear to be available when you want to talk? Does he make time to spend with you? Sadly there are married men who are stuck in a vanilla marriage who use this lifestyle as an outlet to fulfil their kinky side. Intentional or not, they think it’s an easy way for them to get laid and feed their urges not realizing how damaging it can be for the other parties who get hurt. Namely you and his wife!

Red flags Dominants should be aware of:

The first contact can be a tell-tale sign of how serious your potential submissive is in wanting to get to know you. Is the message polite and courteous or does it simply say, “I want you to f**k me, Daddy!”

Are you addressed by title? A ‘genuine’ submissive would never address you by title unless they have consented to be your submissive.

If a potential partner willingly wants to be dominated by you on first contact. Red flag. Keep searching.

As with the previous list, if a potential partner is asking inappropriate questions, etc. You should question where their interests are focused.

Submission is earned. If it’s freely offered without any discussion or conversation to be your partner. That would be another red flag!

Do they want to be your ‘baby girl’ because you’re a Daddy or because they genuinely want a relationship with you?

Are communications centred around your partners expectations or the relationship? If it all about ‘them’ I would question their motives.

Are communications realistic? The novice may offer themselves with claims they are a better choice of submissive as they state “you can do what you want with me”. EVERYONE has limits!

 
Is the potential partner open in conversation and willing to share information? If attention and affection are top priority before the relationship has been discussed this is red flag indicator.

Another source one could use is right here on tumblr. There are a vast number of available Dominants and submissives searching or seeking a partner. Introduce yourself! A simple hello could be the start of something special (Which is how I met baby girl).

So you’ve read their profile or about me and messaged a potential partner, or received a message, and you’re interested in getting to know more about them. What happens next? First, do not push yourself on them or start getting sexual or you’ll appear desperate and potentially fake. You also may not be taken seriously. Remember a D/s relationship is a relationship first and the foundations need to be laid down before the relationship is entered into. Tell them a little about yourself. Not your kink or submissive/dominant side, just about you. There’s no reason for it to be a one sided conversation, don’t be the one who does the majority of the talking. It takes two to have a conversation. When you’re comfortable enough you may want to take communications to the next level. Whether that’s via IM or Skype, that’s entirely your call.

When to meet your partner? When you’re comfortable and feel confident to meet. There is no defining moment or set time limit. I’d recommend meeting in a public place such as a coffee shop (I would avoid bars/alcohol). Ladies should preferably have a friend close by or even inside the arranged place where you intend to meet. If that’s not possible, have someone you can contact at regular intervals? Keep your own safety in mind at all times. Being in a public place should force the conversation to non-sexual chat (hopefully) and this will also give you the opportunity to see the type of person they really are. (Some people can appear differently online to how they are IRL).

Use your instincts and go with your ‘gut’ feeling. If something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t. However if your instincts are screaming it’s the right thing to do…..

This is not a definitive guide. This is for advice, help and information purposes only. Take from this what you will. As always this is gender universal. Written with the BDSM mantra in mind SSC safe sane consensual.

Essay 2014 © dominant-daddy & thekinky-littlemermaid

How to Find a Partner

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Jack Rinella:

We used to live on Shaker Road, the main thoroughfare between Albany, NY, and its airport. It was only a two lane highway but dangerous enough that I wasn't allowed to cross it by myself. Sometime past my eleventh birthday my mother gave me permission to cross the street alone. Thus opened a whole new vista to explore.

I remember running across the street and up this six or seven foot embankment into unknown territory. I wandered through a young forest, across wide fields and eventually into a small ravine. As a matter of fact there were many gullies over there, each containing a small streamlet.

Turning over a rock in one of those little creeks might reveal a salamander. The more rocks you turned, the more salamanders you could catch. Oh, lots of rocks were barren of life-forms. Many salamanders were too small to keep. Some got away. Some rocks were too heavy to lift. In any case, every once in a while my cruising for a pet salamander paid off. I made my trips across the street a regular part of my summertime week, bringing a jar with me because I knew I would be coming home with salamanders.

I've told that story hundreds of times to make the simple point that you've got to play the numbers. A wide search will uncover more prospects than a narrow one. Many trials will reveal more discoveries than fewer. It's all part of a salesman's logic: The more prospects you contact the more customers you make.

So it is with finding a partner. The lonely hearts among you who dream of a relationship need only to do less dreaming and more prospecting.

During a phone call from a slave-applicant yesterday, I was told that "the bars in San Francisco" are a terrible place to find a Master. That's why the guy, who lives in SF, was flying to Washington, D.C. to meet his newest prospective Master. That information, of course, launched me into my usual sermon about there "not being any Masters in LA." Of course there are Masters in SF, LA, NY, and everywhere in between. They may be as hard to find as salamanders under rocks, but they are there.

I won't say you won't find a Master under a rock, but I would suggest you try other reasonable locations as well. Try lots of them: bars, clubs, baths, the Internet, chat lines and rooms, classified ads, workshops, contests, conventions, runs, bulletin boards. Ask friends, strangers, bartenders, and authors, writers, and columnists. The operative word here is "Ask."

My mother would interject all sorts of cliches at this point. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," she always says. "The squeaky wheel gets the most grease. Two heads are better than one. Don't leave a stone unturned." The other person worth quoting said, "You have not because you ask not."

Be consistent in your approach. If you look sporadically, you'll have less chance of attaining your objective than if you maintain a regular schedule. Search the classifieds, for instance, every week, not just once in a great while. Don't just look at their ads, place your own.

I suspect that the greatest difficulty in finding a partner is getting over one's present inertia. If you are the stay-at-home type you're going to come up with millions of reasons not to become pro-active in a search for a partner.

That is perfectly acceptable. There is nothing wrong with solitude. If your present lifestyle is good enough for you, it's good enough for you. On the other hand, if there is this sense of loneliness, emptiness, or disconnectedness in your life, only you can do something to change it.

I could have spent years looking for salamanders in my front yard. There would never have been any there to find. Only by venturing into "uncharted territory" could I create the opportunity I needed to get what I wanted.

The search, of course, is often fun in itself, but more importantly, it holds two crucial components that lead to success.

The first is that searching helps to refine one's concept of one's objective. That means that the more you look, the better you will know for what you are looking. Let's take a common example. Steve thinks he wants a Master. The more Masters he meets the more he will know exactly what kind of Master he really wants. The process of discovery is very much a process of elimination. You know Edison's remark about his 1,000 failed light bulb experiments. They taught him 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb! Those "failed" lessons led to his eventual success.

So it is with finding partners. Sure you're going to meet a lot of really nice men and women who are perfectly unsuited for you. Each unsatisfactory encounter is going to give you important information that will lead you to your goal. More than simply help you to define your objective, the search will present you with invaluable opportunities to know yourself.

There are plenty of Masters in LA. The bars of SF are great places to successfully cruise. Those who think differently are those who fail to know themselves.