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Anonymous asked : Sub here in a long-distance, open (w/ restrictions), poly relationship. Struggling with jealousy and insecurity with one of my boyfriends. He visited me from out-of-state for my birthday Aug, and at the party he met one of my non-platonic friends. We all got really drunk and they ended up having sex in my bed. I was really upset, cus we agreed to be exclusive when together, it was my bed, my birthday, and I didn't consent to that. He apologized. Ever since I've felt very insecure. What to do?
Alexander Martin:
Hi there sub! I do see the tricky spot you’re in. Let’s try to break this down a little.
Let’s start off by saying that you have EVERY right to be upset. Being drunk is not a pass on accepting responsibility for your actions. They do still have to deal with the fallout. Every single point you made about why it upsets you is right.
Before I go into where I think would be most productive for you to do some loving self-examination… Do… you want to stay with your boyfriend? What about your non-platonic friend? Do you want that friend in your life? You never said and… you’re not obligated to keep them if it’s just too hard to trust that person again. I think that’s really the VERY first square. To keep them or not. No matter what the answer is? The next part is pretty vital.
Here’s where I waver a bit, because I’m not sure how to say this without coming across like Dr. Phil, but when it comes to insecurity and jealousy? Those emotions come from within us. I, in NO WAY, mean this to blame you or say that you’re bad or wrong for feeling that way. What I mean to say is that if you’re feeling insecure or jealous because someone else acts, they may have triggered the feeling but it came from your mind, your thoughts, your issues.
It matters where these insecurities and these jealousies come from because they can’t be resolved by controlling the behaviors of others. They can only be resolved by learning what issues you have and addressing them with understanding and recognition of them for what they are. This is not an easy process because our conscious minds very much do not want to confront or think about issues that lie under the surface.
Part of what is so insidious about insecurities is that they often have this kernel of truth that to a rational mind obscures the falsehood. I’ll use one of my own for example. I have an insecurity that in being out and about, my husband to be (bredbeta) will find someone who is more skilled at BDSM and is also a better match for him. On the surface, one can acknowledge no matter how good you are at something there is always someone who can be BETTER at it than you are eventually. But here’s where the insecurity is false. I’ve been practicing BDSM for 10 years. I have been capped by my beloved mentor Papa Tony in San Diego.
I have many boys in my area that are interested in my skills and play. All of that is before I consider all my husband to be and I have been through together, the myriad of points we have in common, how very much he looks up to, loves, and respects me. I sell myself short with this insecurity. I don’t even consider myself in the imaginary scales in my mind where my boy would consider the first guy that comes along and is a slight upgrade to be worth my abandonment. That’s why I had to confront this insecurity. By deconstructing it rationally, I haven’t SOLVED the problem, but I know what line of thinking counters it. And that’s what you’ll need to do and I highly recommend it.
Working on yourself with insecurities and jealousies has two big benefits. The most immediate one is there is a special feeling you get when you actually RESOLVE an issue within yourself. It’s like a knot that you’ve been clenching for years suddenly undoes itself and its relief you can feel. It makes you lighter and breathe easier. The second benefit, is that as a poly person, imagine the benefit to being able to sort of live the poly “ideal” as it were. As many lovers as are fun and enjoyable for you to have are there at your fingertips and you can simply relax and take life as it comes. There is less tension or concern that if you’re upset you will have to confront it. Recurring issues like selling myself short above are FAR less painful. The difference feels like a bee sting before, compared to a mosquito bite now. Irritating, but ignorable.
I would also like to say that my dominance is actually a great boon in this situation! My dom space actually does not have insecurities. That headspace is a powerful way to get a break from something that’s a bother to me. Obviously dom space and sub space are different, but I think there may be some similarity that you might find helpful. In subspace I think that you may have the experience as it’s so often described as perhaps… narrowed perspective. You can’t think about the future, or the past, or plan, your mind is set firmly in the present. It’s fixated on the experience of the here and now. Some submissives find this subspace cathartic, they can release those negative emotions through intensity and a feeling of atonement through service. Unfortunately, I cannot guide you more thoroughly through that method as I am not privy to the details on how one accomplishes it, simply that “atonement” is the general principle. Ask fellow subs for insight! I’m sure some of them would help.
There’s one last thing that you can do and probably already are. Lean on friends and your lover (if he’s still your lover for a bit). Vent some of your insecurities for a little bit. Ask friends and your lover how they see you as a person. I’ve found that to be a really wonderful ego boost to help me salve hurting insecurities. It won’t solve the problem, but there’s nothing wrong with shoring yourself up in the meantime.
I very sincerely wish you the best of luck with this situation. As a final parting thought, I honestly believe the Ethical Slut. Is a must read. As a poly person, you’re almost certainly aware of it, but perhaps other readers are not. It has a chapter in it on jealousy.
hadriantemple:
This is great advice! The one thing I’d add is to have more conversations with your bf/dom (you said you’re a sub, some in guessing your bf is also a dom). He’s apologized and presumably you’ve accepted that apology. But it sounds like you haven’t discussed how that incident has affected your dynamic. Bdsm requires trust, and this dom has harmed your trust in him. That’s not something that just goes away with an apology.
You two need to discuss how to rebuild the trust. Talk to him about things he can do that would help reassure you and enable you to trust him more. He broke your trust, so if you two want to get back to your dynamic, he has to do some work to show you he’s trustworthy and that something like this won’t happen again.
Working on yourself with insecurities and jealousies has two big benefits. The most immediate one is there is a special feeling you get when you actually RESOLVE an issue within yourself. It’s like a knot that you’ve been clenching for years suddenly undoes itself and its relief you can feel. It makes you lighter and breathe easier. The second benefit, is that as a poly person, imagine the benefit to being able to sort of live the poly “ideal” as it were. As many lovers as are fun and enjoyable for you to have are there at your fingertips and you can simply relax and take life as it comes. There is less tension or concern that if you’re upset you will have to confront it. Recurring issues like selling myself short above are FAR less painful. The difference feels like a bee sting before, compared to a mosquito bite now. Irritating, but ignorable.
I would also like to say that my dominance is actually a great boon in this situation! My dom space actually does not have insecurities. That headspace is a powerful way to get a break from something that’s a bother to me. Obviously dom space and sub space are different, but I think there may be some similarity that you might find helpful. In subspace I think that you may have the experience as it’s so often described as perhaps… narrowed perspective. You can’t think about the future, or the past, or plan, your mind is set firmly in the present. It’s fixated on the experience of the here and now. Some submissives find this subspace cathartic, they can release those negative emotions through intensity and a feeling of atonement through service. Unfortunately, I cannot guide you more thoroughly through that method as I am not privy to the details on how one accomplishes it, simply that “atonement” is the general principle. Ask fellow subs for insight! I’m sure some of them would help.
There’s one last thing that you can do and probably already are. Lean on friends and your lover (if he’s still your lover for a bit). Vent some of your insecurities for a little bit. Ask friends and your lover how they see you as a person. I’ve found that to be a really wonderful ego boost to help me salve hurting insecurities. It won’t solve the problem, but there’s nothing wrong with shoring yourself up in the meantime.
I very sincerely wish you the best of luck with this situation. As a final parting thought, I honestly believe the Ethical Slut. Is a must read. As a poly person, you’re almost certainly aware of it, but perhaps other readers are not. It has a chapter in it on jealousy.
hadriantemple:
This is great advice! The one thing I’d add is to have more conversations with your bf/dom (you said you’re a sub, some in guessing your bf is also a dom). He’s apologized and presumably you’ve accepted that apology. But it sounds like you haven’t discussed how that incident has affected your dynamic. Bdsm requires trust, and this dom has harmed your trust in him. That’s not something that just goes away with an apology.
You two need to discuss how to rebuild the trust. Talk to him about things he can do that would help reassure you and enable you to trust him more. He broke your trust, so if you two want to get back to your dynamic, he has to do some work to show you he’s trustworthy and that something like this won’t happen again.
