Am I a "Creepy Uncle," Too?

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If we want better-mannered brothers, we need to stop driving away elder male role-models.

By Papa Tony

I have no intention of becoming a political writer, so this is not that.

I am writing this from the perspective of a mentor, role-model, and former community leader.

At the time of this writing, former Vice President Joe Biden is being raked through the coals.  I'm not going to spend much time on the politics of personal takedown during a presidential election season.  This ain't a game of beanbag-toss, and everybody wants their candidates to win, sometimes at any cost.

I get more hugs than anyone else that I have ever met.  Go ahead.  Call me creepy.  It says more about you, than about me.

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My History

I came out in 1975 as the first openly-gay person in my family's entire history, and it was rough.  I would do it again, because I opened up the conversation for the members of my family who followed.  They have had a much easier time being accepted.

I was raised in a large family, with a weak mother and a violently abusive father.  I should have turned out the same, but I made adult decisions early on, and chose a diametrically-opposite path.  I consciously chose to be kind, to treat everyone as my favorite sister or brother from the first time that I met them, and I chose to become wiser with every experience.

I stopped counting at 140 lost loved ones, when AIDS killed the men around me.  I was there in the middle of the worst of it.  This should have killed my soul, and the PTSD lives with me still.  It took me decades to recover, and I struggled to learn from what I saw in the wreckage of my community.

As I stepped into leadership, I set a goal of creating safe spaces where everyone present would be warmly, affectionately welcomed and included.  I specifically wanted joyful laughter and copious, authentic hugs everywhere. Those happy behaviors would be my tangible proof that I had succeeded in bringing some healing to a community that needed it badly.

When welcoming the new, the shy and the unsure to thousands of social events over the decades, I consciously used my privileged status as a tall white, extroverted, cisgender male to bring extra support to those who were NOT like me.  I was loathe to allow an "A-List" mentality to turn any event into a clique of the 'worthy" ones over there, and everybody else wondering why they bothered to show up.

I created spaces where everyone was celebrated for having worth and a kind heart.  I went up to every new arrival, and gave them a specific welcoming speech, paraphrased here as:

"You are wanted, and welcome here.  You are going to fit in just fine, and I am here to help you to do that as soon as possible.  Here is how to understand what makes this group so different."

Not everybody went along with the plan. Around five percent of new folks found me to be creepy, and left, never to return.  I am certain that they interpreted my Saint Bernard Puppy friendliness as inauthentic, or malignant, or whatever else my appearance and mannerisms triggered in them.

That's fine.  I wasn't interested in making EVERYONE happy.  That is a fool's game, and leaves nobody happy.  Instead, I wanted everyone present (myself included) to be joyful, playful, frisky, light-hearted, childlike (NOT childish) and free to be fully self-expressed.

My events were successful and numerous - I created and hosted over 3,000 of these wildly-diverse, relaxed gatherings, before I became too old to do it any more.

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Hostility and Takedown Politics

I was NOT welcomed by others who were in leadership positions, who saw my life's work as a threat, and my influence as a problem.  When so many gay men died, there were women of color in my local community who saw this as a glorious opportunity to drive away white males, and to insert people of color into leadership positions.  They vigorously pursued this project for decades.

I get the underlying goal, and I wouldn't mind it at ALL, except that they saw the local community as a zero-sum game.  I was attacked relentlessly for years and years, using gossip and slander:

• I was supposedly HIV-positive, and intentionally infecting innocent people.
• There had been a murder at my house.
• People had witnessed me breaking other people's limbs, and I was stalking others with a knife.
• I was a bad man, and "No doesn't mean NO for him!"
• The list goes on and on.

WHY were people slandering my good name?  Because I was well-respected, influential and The Wrong Type.  This made me a threat to the local hegemony.  Dozens of equally well-intentioned white males had risen up over the years, started to become effective, and were then driven away in tears, never to return.  They didn't deserve being discriminated against.

EVERYONE WITH TALENT DESERVES A CHANCE.

REVERSE DISCRIMINATION IS STILL DISCRIMINATION.

I like to joke that I had been "voted off of the island" hundreds of times, but never went away.  It took an enormous amount of stamina and guts to continue doing good works, to never retaliate (what would be the point?), and to keep going with a loving heart.

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Life as a Community Elder

Now, at this end of my life, I get a lot of love from the thousands of folks who I warmly welcomed into the larger community.  I get hugged wherever I go, and I spend between twenty and thirty hours a week mentoring others.  Who do I help?  Anyone who reaches out.  If they are kind, perceptive and want to make a difference in the world, they read my writings, they sense a kindred spirit, and they reach out, from Bangkok, Edinburgh, Savannah, Winnipeg and many other locales.

I always reach back, and I am always glad that I did.

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Getting Back to the Creepy Thing

My husband of almost 29 years was NOT raised in a culture of hugs.  I was shocked to find out that my in-laws didn't like to be hugged.  Ever.  From my perspective, I saw them as emotionally stunted, and felt sorry for them.  From their perspective, I was peculiar, and way too much of too much.  They have adapted, and so have I.

When somebody says "You need at least eight hugs a day, just for maintenance," they are talking about ME.

I don't force hugs upon anyone.  I offer hugs, but most of the time, I don't have to.  The hugs come to me.  I get immobilized for my birthday, every year.  I will show up to a large holiday annual event, and as soon as I arrive, a small crowd will gather around me and envelop me in a group embrace.  I will hold space with them, be present, treasure them, and after a time, I will bless them and move on, just to have it happen again and again.

In all of these years, I KNOW that some folks don't share my nature, and I have respected that to a stringent degree.  The last thing that I want is to force myself upon others.  A little bit of me goes a long way, and there is a LOT of me.  I use my big perceptions to gently approach others who don't know how harmless the huge, scary-looking man really is.  I sincerely doubt that I have been one hundred percent perfect in my approach, though that was always my goal.

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The Need for Positive Male Role-Models

A couple of decades ago, there was a long, praising article in the local gay newspaper, talking about the local shelter for queer youth.  My angry retort was published shortly thereafter, and caused a big ruckus.

I was disgusted that their article had failed to mention that the new female director of the shelter had immediately fired every male staffer and volunteer, and replaced them with women.  How did I know this?  My gay foster-son had told me so, and it pissed him off.  He had lost positive role-models because it was considered perfectly fine to block young males from older males.  Only women can raise non-toxic males!

Great theory, but it doesn't work.  Yes, young men need Mommies, but they need Daddies, too.  If we treat all males with suspicion, then we teach fear to the new generations, and the toxicity just gets worse.  How are young men going to know what it takes to succeed in the world, when males in general are under a dark cloud from the get-go?

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What is the Fix?

Yes, I know - My work as a conscious role-model isn't encountered very often, but if our culture is going to get better, we want to identify, praise and encourage good men as visible role-models.  It's counterproductive to only point at the bad ones and say "GET HIM, everybody!"  It is also a terrible idea to drive away any man because he is imperfect.

I have done a lot of work with the Mankind Project, which is a support-system for men so that we can be better human beings, and get the emotional support that we need.  More and more groups like this are forming.  If we are going to have a better, more functional future, we need to shift radically in a direction that is positive and supportive of the man who is respected because he is respectable, admired because he is admirable, honored because he is honorable, and loved because he is lovable.

We DO exist.  It's time to notice.

The Law of the Jungle, vs. Kindness, Wisdom and Courtesy

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Something that has occurred to me a few times now that might strike a chord with you. 
- In wanting to be a protective, nurturing top (even as a sadist, or perhaps especially as a sadist) and see to my boys’ well-being,
- In wanting to inspire the submission and service of others,
- In wanting to be a better man which is at the core of all this, to be worthy…. it seems a bit like aspiring to knighthood.

Papa Tony:

That makes perfect sense to me. The first leathermen’s group that I created (nineteen years ago) was called the San Diego League of Gentlemen. That group’s name was meant to evoke the knights of old, and chivalry. This baffled a lot of folks at the time.

It always confused the Olde Guarde types who didn’t like what I was doing. They only wanted to boast about what they knew, and always in a tone of being superior to others. It was like we were endlessly scoring points in the Competitive Kink Games.

I was the ONLY one talking to the new faces among us, and it was always about being a Mensch. Sure, we’d host classes that taught kinky techniques. But I made sure that we taught a lot more.

It’s Not Enough To TALK About Hard Skills

“Technique” is another way of describing “Hard Skills” in the kinky scene. The typical, logical construction of a kinky class doesn’t tell the entire story: 

Such a class (or millions of Youtube videos) is dry, it’s analytical, and it’s inadequate.

In my long experience, “soft skills” (interpersonal courtesies, life-wisdom and social dynamics) are not as highly regarded in most cities. I suspect that this is because there are so few folks who have a wealth of knowledge AND the drive to share what is known.

I am glad to see that the San Francisco Leathermen’s Discussion Group has finally added a few “soft skills” classes over the course of decades. Good for them!

 

I wish that they would record and POST the discussions online, as I did with some of the FetishMenSanDiego Men’s Discussions. Those are intensely popular worldwide. Folks consume them like popcorn.

Soft Skills Are Crucial

In the last few months, I have posted over 300 articles, videos and audio recordings. I have plenty of hard skills to impart. Yet, I always make sure that I explain the context, and WHY it’s a good idea to do something.

“Soft Skills” and wise advice have to do with being a valuable contributor to our culture, through social graces. My teachings are always about being a GOOD Dom Top, above all else… Admirable, lovable, respectable and honorable.

My Flogging For Beginners instructional video has been posted in multiple places on the Internet. According to Google Analytics, it has been viewed 337,022 times as of today. I still get fan-mail every day, years after I created it.

What folks tell me is that I make the topic seem fun, light, playful and worth doing. Watching the video makes them feel like THEY can take it on, and succeed. Based upon what I hear from those same folks later on, they DO succeed. That was always my goal, and it is a delightful legacy.

This is because only around fifteen percent of the video has to do with dry technique. The other 85% is everything. I take the mystery out of flogging, and share it with pleasure. I loved the men that I was teaching, and I wanted that same love to show up in the video for everyone else.

Like all of what I send out, that flogging video is my gift of love to the world.

I have a fire in my belly that drives me ever onward.

I do the work that I have been doing because the Law of the Jungle is NO way to build a kind, genteel culture. I have spent decades teaching the newest folks acceptable behavior through positive reinforcement. The payoff is loving brotherhood and sisterhood, and in large quantities.

I do this because I was there in the midst of the greatest times in the history of the world for kinky gay leathermen. We were a solid Tribe and we had everything that we wanted. The future was SO very bright, and we were on an upward trajectory.

Then, AIDS killed off so many of the best of us. I have been spending the remainder of my life, bringing that loving community back. I have never taken a day off.

And I’m so glad you’re sharing it. You speak very much to what I feel in my heart, the things I truly want, my ideals. In service and submission to my SIR, my heart is progressively more fully into it, knowing that he is a good and worthy man, not just a “hot top”.

And, I feel more comfortable in pursuing dominance with my own boys being *me* - a loving, affectionate man - rather than trying to be some cartoon porn caricature of a Top. It’s getting easier for me to “be” one or the other and feel I’m being my genuine self in both cases.

Welcome Aboard: Pay Attention. This Will Be On the Test!

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I’m a new Dom and I wanna know, how do people afford all this? I had to work overtime to afford an event.  I see all these people going to several events a year and having all this nice gear and I feel like I’m not good enough. Is this feeling normal? 

Papa Tony:

Of Course.  This Has Been True All Along. 

It’s too easy to get caught up in the pageantry and the one-upsmanship of what we see on Tumblr, at public events, or in the general media. It’s primate nature to put on dominance displays to assert an unassailable position in the hierarchy.

For goodness’ sake - you’re a Dom, and the obviously more Domly-Doms got there ahead of you!  How is anybody ever to compete with that? Easy… don’t.

It’s part of dominance displays to convey nonverbal communication.   It’s not much different from lizards doing push-ups on a flat rock, showing off their colorful bellies and inflating their throats.

I found this image at random.  Please don’t prejudge these men.

Folks with the most impressive gear and gew-gaws may not even consciously be aware that they are blowing new folks out of the water.  It’s just primate chest-thumping on a subconscious level.
None of it is to the advantage of the new, the shy and the uncertain ones.  That’s why so few of them stick around, after bouncing off of the indifference of others.  Sound familiar?

The Law of the Jungle prevails.  Usually.  Here is How We Get Past That. 

I’m happy to tell you, kinky success has NOTHING to do with competition, what you wear, or how much you spend.  Really.

In the gay leathermen’s titleholder contests that I have judged, a common question is something to the effect of “If I am dressed in a pink bathrobe, underwear and fuzzy slippers, am I still a leatherman?”

To those of us who have been around a long time, the obvious answer is “YES!!!” The distinction shows up between two phases:  “Wearing Leather,” and “LIVING Leather.” This is expressed in the phrases “Damn!  I look GOOD in this,” versus “I can’t wait to thrill the hell out of my sub with this!”
Not everyone shifts into the second stage.  That’s normal, healthy and fine.

From what you say, I see that you are poised to join us in the actively-kinky Tribe.  Good for you!

Mastering the Craft 

You can spend $500 on a kinky toy, just like I can buy a gym membership at the swankiest fitness club in town.   The concept is the same. It doesn’t do you any good if you don’t apply yourself.   I know folks with massively complete toy collections who are mediocre (or worse) when it comes to thrilling the submissives.  Oh, the stories I could tell!

Brag Alert 

I can go to any huge, international kinky play-party with a single toy - an inexpensive flogger - or even no toys at all, and every sub in the building will want some of what I am sharing.  I have honed my technique, my sensitivity and perception, and my desire for excellence, and it SHOWS.

I have been a new guest at kinky play parties with over a hundred participants where the entire building empties into the area around me, forming two semicircles (completely spontaneously), just to watch what I can do with the one, simple toy that I brought to the party.

Yes, I am bragging.  But I say all of this to make an overarching point.   I know my stuff, because I never stop learning and growing.

Chuck Norris 

The “Walker, Texas Ranger” actor was in the movie “Enter the Dragon” as a martial artist. If you’ve studied the defensive arts, you will notice that he doesn’t demonstrate hundreds of styles and techniques, and that’s good. He doesn’t need to. The few things that he DOES know, he demonstrates with grace, balance and supreme expertise.  He kicks ass at kicking people in the head, primarily.

It’s The Same in Kink 

You don’t have to attend eighteen years of Kinkology Kollege before you are worthy of respect in the community. Others may disagree.   Don’t listen to them. Try a few perverted, twisted things to see which tickles your fancy. Once you’ve tried the buffet, dive deeper into what pleases YOU the most.  Strive for excellence that pleases and satisfies YOU.

 Once word gets around that you are the local Rope Guru, or the Oracle of Hot Wax, and that you care deeply about growing, learning and sharing, word will spread.  Subs will actively seek you out.  A lot.  Other Doms will befriend you for all of the best reasons.

Credibility is Currency 

Many folks think that money is the most important currency. I disagree.  I LIKE money.  However, I know better.  Money can’t buy ANY amount of credibility.

Being a solid citizen: dependable, authentic, diligent and dedicated to excellence, will attract folks with similar viewpoints and skill-sets.  Living in integrity takes you out of the realm of “COMPETITION!!!!,” and over to the side of “Kindness And Cooperation.”  Look forward to a long life full of friends who support and sustain you.

Don’t be fooled or impressed by $3,000 outfits or $20,000 kinky furniture. They are delightful, but they are beside the point, unless your deepest desire is to astonish people with swanky belongings.

Welcome to the Newly-Arrived Dom 

You are new in the Tribe. I honor you. We ALL had to start somewhere.  You are one hundred percent as valuable as I am in our community.  Yes, I have been on the same upward path of personal growth for decades longer than you, but we are ON THE SAME PATH.

In return for any help that I offer in my writings and videos, I ask that you return the favor by helping new superstars when it is YOUR turn.  There is no rush:  Take care of your OWN needs in the meantime.

I wish you great success in the realms of dedication, expertise, honorable ways and constant growth.
Welcome aboard!

Make or Break

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dirtydaddythings: I use the terms Making a boy or Breaking a boy often and reblog things that have that topic in them because I believe both are integral parts of being a Daddy.

When I speak of ‘making a boy’ I am referring to the process of helping a younger man awaken to, and accept, the part of him that wants to be submissive or at least to learn from an older mentor/father figure/Daddy. It means we talk honestly, openly and with respect for both roles and he learns as much about them as we can cover. The rest he has to ask himself in private.

Making him isn’t about coercion, conversion or manipulation. That’s not a Daddy’s way. He must already BE a ‘boy’ before he can learn what it means to become one fully and become what makes him happy.

A major part of making a boy is his acceptance of his desires and the removal of any shame he feels for needing a “Daddy”. This is one of the big hurdles for a boy-to-be, along side doubt in their value as a boy, their attractiveness and other malignant thoughts about themselves that are deeper instilled than everyday stresses. These are lasting parts of him and are truly the source of the need for a Daddy to ‘discipline’ him and make him believe something else about himself. A key to this is the knowledge that his opinion of himself has no place in my presence because Daddy does not waste time on people without value to him.

He is there because I judge him worthy and that must become proof of his validity and potential. He’ll learn that my commands and reinforcement are there to guide him out of that shell, to make him comfortable in his own skin and to happily embrace his ‘boy- nature’. 

My example as a confident, Dominant, Daddy; that I am shameless when it comes to my role and refusal to accept outside pressure to be anyone but who i am, serves as a role he can model his own self value on. Making a boy is about ‘making him’ become his true self without shame, guilt or reservation. 

 


Breaking the boy is different from making him in many ways.It’s how I describe the removal of obstacles to him becoming himself and stepping into the role of ‘boy’ with confidence. There is so much heaped on us in the outside world that in order to experience the depth of release, pleasure and satisfaction I want to share with a boy that I have no choice but to break him of their influence. 

It can be a real challenge to move him from ‘adult’ to ‘boy’ by bringing him into that submissive headspace especially when those pressures are extreme and taxing on him. Sometimes those pressures are internal: depression, anxiety, self-esteem or body image problems or similar things.Those too remain inhibitions to his happiness and pleasure so it falls into my hands to break them even if only for a little while.

My Dominance, all the trappings and nuances of ‘the game’, is by design and intended to take him out of their world and bring him into mine. Breaking him is how I create that ‘safe space’ that he craves: a place where he is protected, nurtured, cared for, guided and loved. It’s a fantasy created by roles, but it’s not a lie. 

Those things are absolutely real when we are together in that way and over time they cease to be only when we play the game and become part of everyday life at home. They are the ‘lie’ we believe until it begins to become real and starts to change us outside those play times together. 

My goal, when I must break a boy, is to free him permanently from those things by giving him confidence, security and affection until (and long after) he’s put those things aside himself. I can’t ‘make him’ do that, he has to want to, and his desire to be my boy is a powerful motivator for change. 

 


The result of making and breaking a boy is that instead of someone standing in front of me who is afraid of what he needs and ashamed of his desires there is someone instead who is proud to be a boy, happy to be with his Daddy and takes joy AND solace in Daddy’s arms. 

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Papa Tony:

Really beautifully said.

Our lives, thoughts and upbringing have been constantly bombarded by toxic memes. It’s distressing. It reduces our pleasure in life. The process described by our brother @dirtydaddythings is a form of “reprogramming” the submissive with healthy, life-affirming memes, after reducing the effect of the bad ones. Soon, the good ones (with positive reinforcement) take over, and life gets so much better.

All that it takes is a friend, a social circle, a Dominant (or a sub) that cares enough to share what they have found in their quest for wisdom.

That’s what I have been doing on a constant basis. Not just with my subs, but with my community:

A much bigger version of this image can be found here. That pic shows one-seventh of the 695 men who attended one of our Movie Nights.

We all have egos, triggers and wounds from our pasts. I have a single-spaced list of grievances from my childhood as long as my arm, that could easily convince me to give up, be bitter and cynical, and give up on humanity. If I relied upon what I learned as a queer Catholic boy, I would have been dead decades ago.

Instead, I choose every day to be happy, to get over myself, and to be childlike, open and kind. Yes, there are bad people out there, and I will continue to warn newbies. The good news? The bad ones take up less than one percent. The vast majority of kinky gay men are starved for reasons to be the best men that they can be. They want it badly.

Given permission to be their best, most men stand taller, puff their chests out, and wag their tails like crazy to be one of many admirable, honorable, lovable and respectable men in a Tribe.