Why Do People Cheat? I'm Asking You As Much As I'm Asking Myself.

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I keep putting myself in bad situations and have cheated multiple times. Both consenting/not-so-consenting for me. I can't seem to stop. I fucking hate myself so much, so fucking much.

Alexander Martin:

Ouch, you sound like you’re in a lot of pain.

As far as I know there are two reasons people seem to cheat.

The first one is often subconscious. You have something wrong with the relationship and you don’t want to be in it anymore, but don’t know how to get out of it without hurting someone. So instead, you slam down on the relationship destruct button and become the bad guy assuring the relationship will end.

If the above resonates for you then I have some thoughts. First off, when a relationship ends, it is not possible to not hurt the other person. The very nature of a relationship is to make ourselves vulnerable to another person so we can love them. Given that is the case, would you prefer to continue what you’re doing. Or would you prefer to be honest with someone and do the right thing? I mean after awhile you’re going to become known for cheating and that can make it even harder to date. It certainly isn’t having a positive effect on your psyche.

Secondly, you should probably think about how to communicate with someone more openly. I have what I call “check in” with my boy. For us, we do it so we can drop roles and address issues, or even praise one another for good behavior. In your case, I’d have it as a moment to be really honest. While honesty can hurt, I’d still urge you to be honest and diplomatic.

If check-in becomes a place where someone gets regularly hurt then they won’t do it anymore. So know the difference between criticism and constructive criticism. Constructive criticism often comes with a solution: “boy, you seem to be overeating lately. Are you stressed? Is there anything I can do? Maybe we could go to the gym together? I hear exercise is good for stress.” Criticism is often just the problem and rarely what you think the root of the problem is: “You’re getting fat and ugly.”

The second possibility is a change in style of relationship. Namely, maybe you cheat because it’s hard to resist sleeping with someone new. There’s a rush associated with a new sex partner. I should know. I had your exact problem. For me, I needed to be honest about wanting to sleep with other people while having a boyfriend. In order to help prepare myself a friend recommended “The Ethical Slut” (click on the title for a link) which has a bit more to do with polyamory but ethically they’re similar and there’s a lot to learn from this book.

Regardless, it’s important to have a LOT of communication with a partner about open relationships. Find out how much they want to know and how much they don’t. Find out EXACTLY what will get you into trouble and don’t commit to something you can’t keep. If they say “no oral” but that’s your favorite thing and that’s the first thing you’re going to do when you next hook up. TELL THEM. Try to work it out so everyone is happy.

Cheating occurs when one party breaks an agreement or commitment to the other person on something you both agreed upon. If you both agreed it’s ok to fuck another person in the ass then that’s not cheating because no one is getting hurt by it. Be prepared for baby steps. It is also the case that thoughts can and will evolve as an open relationship progresses.

So check in at least once a year to see if rules that applied before no longer do or new rules need to be in place. But also keep in mind that once a relationship is opened closing it back up again is usually a bad idea. Just closing up doesn’t address whatever hurts lead to the issues you had. If you can’t talk learn to your partner about just about anything, they probably aren’t going to last as your partner.

I hope you can figure out where you stand among all this. I wish you luck. For the mean time, get some hot chocolate (use warm milk not water) and your favorite blanket and watch some Netflix and try to feel better.