10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

fistfuckgaygr: The best way I’ve heard submission described was at M/s conference in 2008: Submission is not following your Master. It is preceding him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any pitfalls or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him, to guide and navigate, to keep you safe.

The most common way I’ve heard Dominance described uses words that I wouldn’t use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dominant posts, and a lot of “Submissives Deserve XYZ” posts. But one thing I’ve almost never heard…what do Dominants deserve? Where is our “10” list?

1. Know your Responsibilities.

Dominants have responsibilities. We hear a LOT about that in our community. We have the responsibility to be forgiving and understanding. We have the responsibility to be strong and independent. We have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to accept accountability for whatever happens with the submissive. We have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and (often) our submissives’ actions.

Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities. Those are play rules, or relationship kinks.) Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with your Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with your partner. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

2. Remember Patience?
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is a little girl…
When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.The same with fetishes. I understand you are a HUGE anal slut. But let’s build up to that. 

Yes, I can probably put together a scene with 23 different ass sensation toys, and a half dozen different positions, with FancyRopeWork ™. But why? Let’s share other experiences. Let’s learn each other before moving into what should be a permanent relationship.It takes time before a dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for us to learn your little idiosyncrasies. It takes experience to recognize your body language, and to be able to intuit your fears and your feelings. There will be false starts, and stops, and pitfalls, and awkward situations. If you actually want a relationship with your Dominant…be realistic about it. (see #3)Expecting us to immediately rock your world…it happens sometimes. But most of the time, it takes time and effort before we know you well enough to really rock out.

3. Have Realistic Expectations.

You aren’t perfect? Well, neither am We. We’re learning every day. A good Dominant (one who will eventually be worthy of the title “Master”) is constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading. Expecting a 29 year old to pay for all your dates, have a fully equipped dungeon, be the perfect boyfriend, help pay your rent when you’re behind, god-like lover, and be a Master-of-All-Toys is, frankly, naive.

It takes a lot of work to build a relationship - and that relationship has to be built from both ends. We understand that you are sacrificing a lot when you surrender your body - often, so are we (see #9). We are as giving as we can be of our time, our money, and our emotions. It hurts us just as much when we’re dropped, dumped, manipulated or lied to. 

But, you may have noticed, we don’t have “Dominant support” groups, by and large. So while you’re risking more of your body and heart on the front end – we’re risking a hell of a lot of our soul and our mind on the back end.If we’re with you, and making an honest effort…respect that. We respect you (even when we’re calling you cunts while whipping your ass) for your ability to take pain and suffering and then turn it into something amazing. We recognize your talents and efforts. Please, recognize ours.

4. Consistency.

It’s a real roller coaster ride to have a submissive who is one person in the morning, another at night, and a complete third when he skips his meds (see #7). And roller coasters are fun…but they don’t make for great daily activities.

We’re going to do the best we can to enforce the rules consistently. To respond to your needs as much as we can, when we can. To be the same Dominant on Monday that we are Saturday night. What we ask in return? The same thing from you. Make the effort (see #9) to follow those rules. Don’t give us the A#1 effort Saturday night at the party, and then just coast on the relationship for the rest of the week.There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Monday through Sunday in his level of devotion, his level of commitment, and his level of caring. We honestly don’t care if that level is low, medium, high, or barely existent. We’ll work with that – that’s what a Dominant does. We motivate, we train, and we guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… the greatest Master in the scene couldn’t deal with that 24/7. Neither can we.

5. Discretion within the relationship.

Yeah, so. Going online and chatting in a slaves group, or on Fet, about how your Master doesn’t scratch your itch, or how you’re so disappointed he didn’t do SexyMoveA#1 last night? That’s not cool. We don’t (believe it or not) go around gossiping with every Dominant we know about how tight your ass was last night, or how funny you looked sobbing after an emotional edge play scene. Please have the same courtesy - don’t assume that just because you’re the submissive, you can talk about anything in our relationship that you want to and call it “submissive sharing”. If you have a genuine issue in the relationship - we should be the first person you talk to about it. Not your online friends. 

See #10 about that.

This is not an endorsement of abuse. If you are being abused (physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, etc.), for the love of God, go to your local shelter. Your nearest victim advocate. Or the closest police station.But please bear in mind – below that particular level? Relationships will always have problems…talking to your partner solves a LOT of them.

6. Trust. (No really, actual trust, not “earn it or else” trust)

No, this doesn’t mean trust me immediately from word one. That would be insane.
But this ties in with #8 and #9. You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication (see #10). From both parties. Trust is a two way street. If your Dominant has to constantly prove that he’s worthy of your trust, then why are you with him?I was once with a btm who had me convinced that it was a Dominant’s job to constantly be earning and re-earning trust. I heard the mantra of “a Master /earns/ trust” at least once a day. The entire relationship was one long marathon of constant effort to “earn” his trust by doing everything he wanted, and never disagreeing with him. It took a slap ‘round the head and shoulders by a senior Dominant and very trusted friend before I realized that I was being used.

7. Sanity.
This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle. If you have depression, bi-polar, manic episodes, or have been described by previous friends, dominants or family members as a “wild and crazy” type…the odds are that you, in fact, need therapy. Possibly medication. There’s no shame in that – a HUGE percentage of people in this modern world have psychological issues that need to be addressed with pills or therapy. Please seek it BEFORE approaching a dominant. We, in return, will attempt to do the same for our own issues. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships should be done AFTER the mental health issues are addressed and under control.

8. Stop Recycling the Past.

Your last Dominant hurt you. Or didn’t measure up. I understand that, personally. My last submissive didn’t either (see #7). But that said…this is us, starting fresh. I certainly want to know if your last Dom was abusive, hurtful, or cruel. You need to know if my last submissive was, too. That’s part of the whole “communication skills” thing in #10 and it will affect how we interact. I do NOT, however, need to hear a daily address list of the A-Z of everything you ever disliked about him…or a weekly update on how I compare to him. Considering that I probably don’t do any of the former, and don’t care about the latter. This is a new relationship. You wouldn’t enjoy me constantly comparing you, out loud, to my last girl. You wouldn’t enjoy an intimate partner constantly comparing you to their last lover. I don’t enjoy it either. Keep the past, in the past.

9. Honest Effort and Understanding.

You want us to know how hard submission is? Well, we want you to know how hard Domination is. We have to think in three dimensions about the emotional and psychological impact of everything from our tone of voice to our tools, from our clothes and cologne to our cock and cunt hair. It’s exhausting at times, and just like submissives…sometimes we burn out. Sometimes we’re too tired to be SparkleMasterLeatherDom/me. And just like we are expected (by our Dominant brothers and sisters, if not by our submissives) to be consistently understanding and supportive of slaves rights and feelings…we deserve a little consideration ourselves.

10. Communication Skills.

Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. Please note the “and”. You AND me. Kenova AND Cassie. Snowy AND Toy. The “and”? That has a lot of meaning. It means that just as much as you expect us, the Dominants, to communicate with you about your training and performance…we expect the same. We deserve the same. If you have concerns - you need to talk to us, not post it on Fetlife. If you feel hurt, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your Dom, not slam them to all of your friends. If you honestly believe that your Dom has problems? Talk to them about it. Be a big girl/boy/boi/slave/slut/whore/bottom/queer/toy/androgyne.

But if you can’t communicate at least as well as you expect your Dominant to communicate to you? If you aren’t making the honest effort (see #9) to become a better communicator? Then you’re the problem, not the Dom.

On Responsibility and “Choice”

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

UK Student Alpha:

“What can I say? Fags are crazy sometimes…”
“Dumb fucking decision, but he’s an adult, he can choose for himself.”
“Yeah, he dropped four figures in one session. Whether he can afford it is his business, I’m not his accountant.”
“The tattoo looked sick. Not sure if he’s the fag for me though.”
“Fag gave me permission to publish all of those pics of him… along with his real name. Not my fault he’s an idiot.”

No.

Being a Dominant, Alpha, Daddy… the standard we are held to MUST go higher than what is legal. We must be Ethical. All of the quotes above, which are paraphrased from things I have seen actual “Alphas” say, are wrong. They are wrong for one simple reason; they assume that the potent impact of Dominance is something you can overlook when discussing the choices submissives make.

Sub-space is a useful term here. I can get @puprowaninto a space (quite easily) where I can make him climax practically on command. I can get @darknakedsilent into a space where just a clicking of my fingers has him naked on the ground, presenting his mouth and arse while looking up at me in submissive bliss.

What’s more, a Dominant figure (if they’re naturally gifted) will put people into sub-space without even really trying. It’s a sort of natural quirk. I don’t necessarily try to seduce submissives (and even other Dominants), but innevitably they end up bending to my Will. We’re… insidious. Dominance is often characterized like a pair of shackles, a huge figure tackling you, tying you up, kidnapping you… the reality is far more terrifying, far more subtle, infinitely more wonderful.

This is POWER. And where there is power, there are those who misuse it. There are two tiers here. Those who fail to recognize, control or understand the sub-space they inflict, who allow a powerful sub-space to drive their fag into dangerous actions (getting deeply into debt, making dangerous sacrifices to their mental health, social/familial/work life). Then there are those who deliberately use their power, and powerfully submissive mindsets, to fulfill their ends and nothing else.

My message to Dominants: STOP your submissives sometimes. You’re responsible for them to some degree, and that degree depends on the exact interaction. Be clear about your limits and set some expectations. You will have friends, you will have savings, you will have a career.

My message to submissives: look carefully at Dominants. See how they behave when you suggest an unhealthy sacrifice (e.g. I can make one more tribute but it will mean not getting any presents for my sibling’s birthday). Don’t play games, don’t manipulate, be open… however, also be safe. Once you reach a certain point, they’ll have so much power over you that you won’t have the objectivity you have at the start, so use those early days wisely.

In conclusion, Dominant guys need to take the intoxicating effect they have on submissives more seriously. Submissives need to be aware of this effect and take steps to protect themselves. As one final note, I’m not saying that sacrificing things for an Alpha is wrong, I am saying that proportion and trust are a huge part of that dynamic. There’s nothing wrong with moving across the world to serve your Dominant (for example), however there is something wrong with a Dominant failing to regulate the desires and realism of their submissive.

---

bigbulltrainer:

Well said. Not just be it the Alpha/fag dynamic, Master/slave, a pup, a boy or a bull, be cognizant of the effects of head space.

If you are a dominant, it means recognizing how your influence over your sub and their desire to please you affects their behavior.

If you are a sub it can be a little easier said then done. But do look back in retrospect at what your Dom does and behaves. Doing it while in your submissive headspace can cloud your judgement.

Some Doms don't recognize what they are doing, and to them, particularly if there is someone submitting to them, I would suggest they learn not only the affects of sub space but also what it is they do that put their sub in it, to stop and reflect on your own behavior and self conduct.

There are some who are well aware of the affects they have on others and quite purposefully abuse it. Its subtle and is not always as obvious as the paraphrasing above. It can sound downright charming depending on how its used and it's this kind of manipulator to be the most aware of.

Long story short.:

Be you a dominant or submissive. Educate yourselves, communicate with one another, adapt from what you learn and grow as people, not just in the D/s dynamic. Your lives will only be enriched if you do.

Taking Care of Your Boy

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

sir-erik: In the fantasy filled world of Tumblr we often see images and share the idea that power exchange is a one way dynamic between Sir and boy. Or worse even, that power exchange is all about sex. Real power exchange is incredible complex and holistic in nature.

If you wish to be a Sir you must accept the responsibility to take care of your boy, physically and emotionally. To illustrate this I want to share a few of the things I did for Boy Rick (@hyper-pup) this past weekend:

Helped him study for an upcoming exam Friday and Sunday.

Made him breakfast Saturday before he went off to help his family.

Got him some Advil when he had a headache.

Let him take a nap when he was exhausted from studying.

Held him when he needed to be held.

And what did Boy Rick do in return? Quite a bit, but that’s not the point of this post. I took care of him when he needed to be taken care of. That is my responsibility as a Sir, and one I gladly accept for such a wonderful boy.

ukstudentalpha:

It isn’t all one-way. Even things which seem selfish superficially can be so important for a boy.

When my boy is stressed or worried, nothing calms and centers him like Master’s cock. Nothing. To an outsider it looks like he’s doing me a favour, but I’m creating a space where he can be himself and focus on a singular goal.

lowestfagslave:

This is super important. Sometimes, as ukstudentalpha says, the boy needs to be centered and focussed on his MASTER’s cock or body, but a MASTER should also be able to take care of his boy emotionally in other ways. That might mean cuddling after an intense scene, or talking, or laughing, but always paying attention to the boy’s emotional needs. At the end of the day, all the responsible kinky guys I know here want to feel deeply connected with their partners. And that means that both guys’ needs count.

ukstudentalpha:

Perfectly put. Sometimes a good hug is all someone needs to feel better. Or a cup of tea. Or Master’s hands running through their hair. Or their boy’s head on their chest. Sometimes all we need is to sit down with someone and lay quietly, in eachother’s comfort. When it comes to kink, tender moments matter. The extremes of bondage, pain, chastity, financial domination, slavery, sexual service, domestic service… these are only powerful when placed in contrast with tenderness and laughter and friendship. Hot and cold. Light and dark.

bigbulltrainer:

This is a perfect example of the less mentioned side of side of D/s. Looking out for each other, caring deeply for one another.

It is often discussed what a sub, slave, fag ect should do for you, less often the responsibilities of a Dom. One of those responsibilities is giving structure to our subs. It’s part of what draws them to D/s in the first place, a clear purpose and focus in their day to day. I wont pretend that as Doms, we arent getting something out it, I have yet to meet the Dom who grumbles “God my boy sucks my dick TOO good” or “damn it, why is my fag so thoughtful?”. But it is the structure they crave. a place where they can let go, feel safe, be themselves, a place to center in a way they cant typically do outside of the environment we as Doms create for them.

So take care of your boys! Let them know you care!