Getting Into The Game

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Good evening, Sir, nice to meet You. I’m a Brazilian virgin gay boy and i think i might me a sub, but i’m not sure of that. I crave a lot for submission and i even have created my blog as a escape for my fantasies. But aside from those fantasies, i don’t really know who i am. Sometimes i have a urge to submit and i really dream of being with a Man who takes control, but at the same time, even if this is a fantasy in bed, i don’t wanna be considered inferior or an object, or be under control 24/7. In my mind, i just want a boyfriend who takes control, who’s a Dom, but at the same time would be my vanilla boyfriend. I mean, i like vanilla stuff too. I want a traditional relationship with someone, Sir, like being boyfriends, and getting married in a non-open relationship -pretty vanila-, those kind of things. But at the same time, i want Him to put me on a collar and “force me” to kiss His boots… I’m really confused about myself and all those things, Sir. I don’t think i ever will find a Man who’s gonna love me as partner and sub and, even though, how i will enter in a relationship if i’m not even certain of myself? Can You please share some wisdom with me, Sir?

Papa Tony:

Thanks for sharing, young brother. First, full disclosure… Like all of us, I also grew up in a cultural environment that stresses monogamy above all. It’s a lovely ideal. It’s superb to focus upon one man, and dive deep into uninterrupted mutual exploration, for years at a time. It is our birthright to have HONEYMOON in our lives. And, honeymoon ends at some point. We have to be real about our needs, even when it’s no longer magical.

In my direct observation over the last four decades, having a MONOGAMY ABOVE ALL goal is why so many gay relationships fall apart after they have lasted around six months to two and a half years. Think about it: You have never explored just how attractive, fun and playmate-thrilling you are, yet. It’s called “slutting around.” and I think that it is healthy to be open to new possibilities while you are young.

Then, like so many males, I predict that you will eventually shift from “Quantity” over to “Quality.” Then, you won’t have to spend so much time wondering about how you show up as a sub in the world. You’ll have gathered proof along the way that you are attractive and valuable. You will know your strengths and weaknesses.

It’s your birthright to go slightly nuts for a while, gathering sexual, kink and relationship experience.

The problem with emulating heterosexual mating rituals is, they are no guarantee of success, even for straight folks. I have been to $50,000 weddings that were done and over with, after two years or less. Men are wired to spread it around. Two men? Twice as likely.

What if you get “tempted” to “BETRAY” somebody else (warning: that was a typical negative and loaded term), because you never found out how well you would have done if you had gone a different path? I am saying these things because I want folks like you to hit the ground running, and not hit any trees.

That’s a lot of pressure. That’s why I incessantly recommend this book. It’s a big splash of reality, and a glorious hope for long-term, realistic male-male relationships.




My advice to you is to start actively seeking playmates, and soon. Find out WHO you are, on multiple levels, before you start locking yourself into a box marked “Exclusive Matrimony.” Right now, all that you have is theories, and they are tying you up in knots. You are young, and you have many adventures ahead of you. Go play!




If you don’t do it now, then you’re going to hit the wall called “Mid-Life Crisis” at around age forty and do it THEN. Every man goes through this natural passage. Some early, some late. I will write about the topic at length, sometime soon.




I haven’t been single since I was fourteen. Women in the early days, and then exclusively men. If I hadn’t learned from the early, less-than-optimal relationships, I wouldn’t have been ready when the Real Thing showed up 28 years ago.

Real Life Is Not A Porn Video. Adjust Your Expectations Accordingly.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Papa Tony: A man that I am mentoring says:

I had a lot of slave boys on Skype and used to make cam sessions but mostly humiliation and degradation of the slaves, not this other kind that i am discovering from u… That to be a Master u have to be compassionate, which i felt out of the place for feeling empathy with the slaves. 
In real life as i told have met only 5 sub guys of all ages and only with the last one who was older then me we met several times until he decided to ignore me without explanation. But ur blog and wisdom which comes from real experience has opened my eyes.
Initially the first days on Tumblr too, pages which suggested that subs are less than real men, just to be used and abused and thrown away etc etc.
Made me feel real bad. It’s true that i love humiliating, degrading make one feel less than me but just in role play not in real life. I am a tender person who cares deeply for the others and would never do something to make uncomfortable someone out of the play role.
Apparently the lack of experience made me so confused.  Those few man i met were in this kind of thing where u just had to use them and never look back at them. Hooked up with them online sites like cam4 etc
That’s why i think the last sub i had maybe is not attracted to me anymore because the last 2 times i asked him to stay over, and needed someone to take care too just a human being not a worthless piece of shit like he liked to be treated.
But apparently that was his choice of life which i don’t want. I like to be a jerk only in role play but not in real life. I try to do things even that I don’t like just because i know the sub would like it. I don’t like scat but some slaves like it and allowed them to clean my ass after taking a dump etc etc.I am really confused Tony, in this period. 
I have been in relationships only with woman and being kinky with these men i thought it was impossible to have a relationship with a man. Its been almost 3 years now without a relationship just sex and a year in gay sex. But lately feeling the need to share things with someone like in a real relationship

None of what you say surprises me.  You speak for many men.  Be assured that I can help you with thousands of questions. I probably need to write a book on JUST the topic of finding balance as a Sir, a lover and a good man.  I want to be an even stronger advocate in the world for being an Ethical Sadist, who can also be a sweetheart.

First, a book recommendation link:  King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore.  Every time that I read it, I learn more about how to be a healthy, mature masculine man. I am a better Sir as a result.

Our kinky gay-male subculture is starving for leaders, role-models and mentors.  Do an experiment:  Do an Internet search for the phrase “tumblr kinky gay mentoring”  - The results are nearly all extreme fantasy crap that does not feed the soul of the sensitive, perceptive and ethical Sir.

The ONE exception that shows up?  Me.  My writings.  I’m it.  That’s an upsetting thing.  Some men who didn’t show up, but who SHOULD, are my good buddies @realpowerexchange and @Alexander Martin.  They are good men and fine Sirs who are just as committed to helping others have happier lives.

I’ve been saying for years that this is all because of AIDS.  The men who knew the most, were the first ones to die, and were not replaced.  So, two entire generations have risen up since those days without loving, kindly and wise mentors.  Dozens of such men used to be a BIG part of my own personal growth… and then they all died.

Tumblr is a SHITTY role-model.  When there is no other source of useful knowledge, no wonder there are so few long-term couples and Leather Families at Folsom Street Fair.  Just large amounts of men in great need of being claimed.

I am going to make a dangerous, risky declaration:

Kink, Leather and Fetish, done right, is just Extreme Intimacy.

Why would this be risky? Because the vast majority of the discussion online says that a Dom should be like a light switch:  always ready to turn on.  There is almost nothing out there on the Internet supporting the sensitive, perceptive Dom, who needs to be the full expression of a man:

On one end, vulnerable, and emotionally accessible.  On the other, hardcore Sadist - and, everywhere in between, as needed.

Any submissive who doesn’t know this needs to learn it, right now:  If you put your prospective Sir into a box of preconceptions and then nail down the cover, you are robbing yourself of a deep, long-term relationship.  If you want a perfect play-partner who never, ever fails you, I suggest getting one of these:

Okay.  I’m done complaining.  I just hear from so many lonely subs and Sirs.  I wish that I could take 100% of what I have learned and give it away, so that others can be just as satisfied and fulfilled.

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever.  Kindness and Generosity.  Science has proven this beyond all doubt.  Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun.  One does not preclude the other.  I can’t imagine what treating a sub like shit has to do with any of that.

I have a long-term husband (together 28 years) and two slaves (7.5 and 3.5 years).  We are in perfect harmony.  No bitchiness, no jealousy.  How do we manage this?  We have ALL read the Official Shop Manual for lifelong gay-male relationships:  The Male Couple - How Relationships Develop, by Drew Mattison and David MacWhirter.  It’s out of print, but widely available in used condition, online.  It helped all of us to get past insecurity/jealousy issues that our culture promotes.

I have had nineteen collared boys and six owned slaves since 1977.  I have never felt the desire to treat any of them like something that I would scrape off of my shoe, and THAT’S OKAY.  I grew up in a violently abusive childhood, and I know the cost of mental, physical, sexual and emotional cruelty.  So, I don’t do those things, and THAT’S OKAY, TOO.  Not being part of those stereotypes does not make me a bad, flawed, insufficient or fake Sir.

My mentoring articles reflect this same philosophy, and they go back many years.  My hope is to keep contributing to them for many MORE years.

I’m a really, REALLY good, satisfying and powerful Dom.  I am sensitive, perceptive, and a hell of a lot of creative fun.  If any of this sounds like you, then stick around, brother.  Send me questions.  I am a champion for men like us.