I see a lot of posts about subs with anxiety and they make me think of anxiety in Doms. So I am going to talk about that a bit.
Background: I have a degree in psychology and I have worked in an anxiety clinic for two years. I can’t ever watch the movie High Anxiety because just the name makes me anxious.
So… Maybe there is this unconscious thing where anxiety gets associated with being a sub more than it does with being Dominant. In fact, it might even seem like some baseline bit of anxiety is natural for subs and that’s one of the things that submissives look to their D-types for help with. There is no doubt that a confident and caring Dominant can greatly reduce a subs anxieties about stuff. But…
Hey guys… Anxiety is natural for everyone. It’s not a sign of a submissive nature. D-types can struggle with anxiety and still be amazing Dominants. Despite what the stereotype of a D-type may be, there’s no proof that they are, on average, less anxious than submissives (but if you know of a study with evidence to the contrary please share it with me).
Anxious Dominants are not any less dominant. And submissives are not naturally the more anxious partner. Anxiety is normal. Some folks have more than a helpful amount of it. Some folks don’t. It’s a problem to attribute it more with one side of the slash. We risk attaching a negative stigma to it for D-types, and we risk associating poorer mental health with being a sub. Both of these things leads to less healthy people, relationships and communities.
Anxiety is part of life. There is no shame in it. We should all just love fiercely and bravely, and take care of each other.
hadriantemple:
This makes sense. One strategy for managing anxiety is a high degree of control over a situation. Anxiety sufferers often like rules and structure, two things that many doms also like.
“I been told since I don’t know much irl about sex that I’m no good. Since I don’t know anything about sex irl there’s nothing he can do with me. I think maybe I should just quit the whole thing, I don’t fit in and nobody will want me so I should just be by myself”
I don’t normally hop into conversations on tumblr unless I have something very important to say both to the poster AND to my followers. This came across my dashboard and I had to respond. The original post is gone now, but this needs to be said anyway.
If your “Daddy” makes you feel like this, that because of inexperience, age, or any other reason, that you are ‘less’ than good.. he’s a fuckwad. How do you respond? You tell him to get fucked and to do that fucking himself. A Daddy SHOULD NOT be making a boy feel like this, especially just after they start getting to know one another. There is no fucking excuse for this shit. None. This is NOT how a Daddy acts. It’s not even how a ‘pretender’ daddy acts. It’s how an abuser acts. “You aren’t good enough. You’re worthless”… … … Fuck you buddy. You’re the reason Daddies like me have to take YEARS to undo the shit you do just so a boy can really receive love again.
This kind of bullshit isn’t Dad/son, and it’s barely Dom/sub because there is zero after care, no mutual consent to ‘abusive’ play. This isn’t safe. It’s dangerous. The longer people like that have their claws in you the harder it is to escape and even then it can take a lifetime of support and caring environments to begin to recover from the kind of broken spirit a ‘person’ like that needs so he can feel powerful.
I am going to say this once and for all:
If your ”daddy” makes you feel like you are worthless: He isn’t a Daddy.
If he punishes you because you don’t know how to do something, makes you feel badly for your inexperience, and refuses to help teach you? He is no Daddy.
If you play rough and he never stops playing rough, then he isn’t playing. He’s abusing you.
Read this list. Daddy Says so. If you find yourself stopping to JUSTIFY their behavior, or trying to make excuses that lay the blame entirely on you.. then you need to get help and get out. Now.
Does He do these things ‘out of bounds’ based on your relationship guidelines (this is ONLY to allow for rough play couples who STILL have boundaries despite how their play seems to outsiders, The boy doesn’t REALLY feel abused, because they both have mutually consented to that kind of play):
-Regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
-Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
-Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
-Tries to control you and treat you like a child.
-Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
-You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
-Tries to control the finances and how you spend money.
-Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
-Tries to make you feel as though he/she is always right, and you are wrong.
-Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks that cause you to feel shame or embarrassment.
-Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
-Accuses you of things you know aren’t true.
-Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
-Intolerant of any seeming “lack of respect.”
-Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others, and has difficulty apologizing or taking responsibility.
-Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
-Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
-Calls you names, unpleasant labels, or makes cutting remarks under their breath.
-Is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
-Resorts to pouting, the silent treatment or withdrawal to get what they want.
-Doesn’t show you empathy or compassion.
-Plays the victim and tries blame you rather than taking personal responsibility.
-Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
-Doesn’t care about your feelings.
-Views you as an extension of themselves and not an individual.
-Withholds sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
-Shares personal and private information about you with other people.
-Denies being emotionally abusive when confronted.
-Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Do you…
-Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
-Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
-Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
-Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
-Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
-Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue. Read this and learn.
Now that my angry rant is out of the way, mostly, you need to know something.
It’s not your fault. YOU didn’t fail and you aren’t worthless at all. That is HIM putting his feelings on you. That is HIS broken self esteem, his insecurity and his incapacity to be a REAL FUCKING DADDY not your failing as his boy.
Daddy: Protects. Cares for. Guides. Nurtures. Provides structure and a host of things designed to help his boy grow and be more comfortable being who he truly is inside.
A Daddy does not ever seek to make his ‘boy’ experience hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, dread or any of these things. He seeks to remove those things from his boy, not instill them. No son. He’s not a Daddy if that is how he makes you feel. If you’ve talked to him about how his treatment makes you feel and he refuses to consider your feelings there is only one answer: Tell him to Fuck Off.
Daddy says it’s OK to use bad language to tell bad men where they can go because the only thing worthless in this situation is the pretender who uses Daddy as a code word for abuse.
THIS is how a boy should feel when all the games are done. End of Story.
I have trained any number of Daddies over the last couple of decades. Real Daddies. They seek me out as a mentor. I am always honored, and happy to help, because the world needs more affectionate, approving Daddies.
When I start teaching a new Daddy, he always shows up insecure, and worried that he isn’t qualified. He fears that he will do a crappy job, usually because his own father didn’t teach him how to deal with the gay life that he has been living.
I start by asking if he gives a damn about the safety, well-being and success of any boy in his life. He is always surprised by the question… “Well, of COURSE I do! Why would you ask?” I tell him that his automatic reaction is 90% of what qualifies him not only as a Daddy, but as a REALLY GOOD Daddy. I assert that he is an ethical man, who gives a damn about others.I tell him that his years of experience at:
• Being a male homosexual in a world that sometimes really doesn’t like us,
• Learning about relationships, networking and being a good man, and
• Wanting to be a better man, with growth and gathered wisdom are actually his superpowers. Men like him forget that other men (of ANY age - I like older subs, myself) may lack even the basics of what he has been taking for granted in his own life. He is already a rich resource. His willingness to share what he has, is more important than some vague, far-off ideal of perfection.
It’s time for him to put on an invisible t-shirt with the word “DADDY!” on the front of it, and to assume that he is already qualified, because I assert that he IS.
Today is a day when I need a boy to curl up to me and look me in the eye. No spankings, no protocol, no chains, nothing. Perhaps, a plug.
Just an evening where his presence is greater than any session. After all, we’re not all made of adamantium steel alloy.
Doms have these days.
The murky sea of the internet, and the facile fantasies that are trawled up there, are full of Dom’s and Sub’s, who lack all human feeling’s, and emotion. The reality, for the vast majority of BDSM player’s is totally different. Dominant, or Submissive, under our leather, and rubber skin’s. Master, or Slave, we are all human, with the panoply of feeling’s, and emotions that come with the the human condition.
As a dominant male, I am not simply a Submissive’s fantasy. I am HUMAN, unafraid, and in no way ashamed, to show my true feeling’s.
“I need to be myself; to laugh, and cry, to be happy, angry, sad, hard, dominant, loving, gentle, caring, and sensitive - at all times. Nothing gives me more pleasure than being with someone I care about. Someone, who in quiet moments, I’m comfortable doing absolutely nothing with, other than being totally myself, and being accepted entirely, for who I am in that moment.”
Dave Gregory dgbastide-blog
Papa Tony:
For The Last Month, I Have Been Ill.
Some kind of nasty lung infection. This means that I have been weak, vulnerable, crying sometimes, and fearful.
I’d love to take the slaves out for hot ‘n sexy leather events in town, or have some raunchy fun. After all… That’s what a REAL LeatherMaster does, right?
Instead, I have been spending a lot of time gasping and coughing in bed, and needing rides to the doctor’s office. When we arrive at the hospital, they VIBRATE with watchful vigilance, wanting to be there for whatever I need.
During that same time, my slaves and sweet husband have been angels of loving support. I joke that they have been using sharp elbows with each other to be the first one in line to help me, but they truly have been coordinating plans together. That way, I receive maximum company and caregiving.
They have been with me at every step: vigilant, focused and ideal for my every need. I wouldn’t feel so much better at this point, without their help.
Once I’m past this crap, I will step back into my power and THRILL the hell out of them. I will be full of honest gratitude.
I’m smart enough to know that I am living at the very peak of long-term, kinky Dom experience, because I have also seen how my loving Leather Family reacts when I am in the depths of fear and illness.
Note from Papa Tony: I did not write any of the following, and was unable to find out who did.
Anonymous: hi daddy. i'm a boy with a few mental problems, mainly anxiety and depression. would it be best for me not to try and find any daddies or be involved in any sexual/romantic relationships until i fix myself? i get really really lonely, but at the same time I wouldn't want the other person to deal with some of the baggage i carry.
Why would that be for the best? Is there something broken or wrong with you? Those things may never change, may never go away fully, so what you’re saying to me is that you shouldn’t try to find a Daddy who will understand those things, care about you, and be the support you need to learn to cope with those parts of yourself? If there was anything wrong that was made apparent by your question it’s that you think there’s something wrong with you.
There is an image associated with difficulties like those and it comes from one of the greater evils of our age: The diagnosis becomes the condition. The second someone says one of those buzz words: ADD ADHD BPD, Any of them, all of a sudden people will ‘re-frame’ their understanding of you based on those letters as if some how your oddity (and their confusion about you) makes sense because it’s all the fault of those letters.
Do you know what the prevalence of anxiety and depression is among LGBT people? Each on their own exist in varying degrees in more than half our numbers. Together? Nearly every one you meet will have, or be, enduring those things. Conditions like Generalized Anxiety Disorder is so common and consistent that people just feel uneasy in social groups and so become introverted. In fact you could say that GAD is an acronym diagnosis for just not bloody liking the idiots that surround you most of the time. If that’s the case, that’s a new set of letters to add to my bandolier.
I’m going to throw a few things out for you to consider, things that have been thrown at me personally:
I am Anti-social because I do not care for ‘norms’ or large groups of people. Truth be told, my lifestyle is completely counter to even gay social norms because it’s a ‘kink’ life and that I refuse to live in a vanilla box because someone tells me I should makes me anti social.
I have PTSD from being repeatedly beaten, harassed and threatened physically, mentally and emotionally by people who gave themselves the authority to judge and punish another human being. In reality, nearly everyone has that same condition for those reasons. If you’ve ever endured trauma and have survived it, you have post-traumatic symptoms whenever you feel threatened again. It never goes away.
I have Anxiety. I know they mean the constant feeling of being in danger, of needing to run, and almost anyone who has ever been nervous has suffered anxiety. When you get excited, you are anxious. When you are afraid and anticipating something, you are anxious.
I have Depression. The common person thinks depression is feeling blue. They are wrong. Depression is feeling gray. It has no trigger or warning, it just is. It’s like someone turned down the contrast on life until things become black and white, senses become dulled, pleasure vanishes and the world becomes a bleak hell while you sit feeling isolated in a flesh colored straight jacket. There is nothing blue about depression. You aren’t sad, that’s a whole other emotion packed into it.
I can keep going through the entire DSM if need be. Hell, according to the big book of boxes, I’m schizotypal because I actually think that I matter to other people. “ characterized by severe social anxiety, paranoia, and often unconventional beliefs. “ How awesome is that? Who the hell ISN’T Schizotypal that grew up gay and in a place where homophobia exists. Pretty sure everyone has traits that qualify under these umbrellas.
I want to be clear, I am not angry at you. I am frustrated with this particular demon because it haunts SO many people.
My point is this: what makes them ISSUES is not the condition, it’s what you (and to a degree others) think they mean. So what if there are days when you need more affection and others when you need more space? So what if you happen to need that feeling of being safe that a Daddy can provide? Do you think perfection is something you can actually ‘be’ or is it the journey from where you are to where you wind up, the quest itself to become more, to be stronger but most importantly: to be happy.
The ONLY way it poses a risk is if you use the relationship as a crutch or therapy. A Daddy can’t realistically ‘fix’ you, only you can do that. What they can do is provide you safe space to process, understanding of your difficulty, caring and compassion while you do the hard work and appreciation for all the effort YOU put in to overcome what inhibits you now.
Yes feeling good can become a drug to ward off depression, but it can never fix it and so it will come crashing back down harder than before. What you need from a Daddy when you’re having a hard time isn’t sex, it’s companionship and support. He may give you a hand so you can lift yourself up, arms to fall into when you need to cry, and a smile to try to cheer you up a little. That’s not because he thinks you are sad, but because sometimes it is the VERY thing you need to see so that you can try to reach for happy even when you don’t think you can make it.
There is one last thing I want to add here. Don’t judge Daddy before you give him the chance to show you that your ‘baggage’ doesn’t stop him from caring about you. Nothing is easy, especially not finding love, so you can’t take that as a judgment against you.
Do I think you should be single until you’re ‘fixed’. No. I don’t think you should deny the opportunity to be happy.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. The only thing that makes it so is you. As I once wrote to a boy: “The problem, you see, isn’t that you’re in a wheelchair. The problem is the wheelchair in your MIND. It’s that you see yourself that way, as lesser, because of the difference you think that makes you so. You need to learn to put the wheelchair in your mind away”.
You, my boy, need to put away the words others give you to describe who and what you are. Don’t think of yourself as anything other than who you are. If you feel you have work you need to do on yourself, more power to you, but don’t let that kind of thinking prevent you from being happy or even finding love. Struggling, as you do, is hard enough without feeling diminished because of the fact that you DO struggle. I often say that a boy who tries, who works toward his goals, is a boy I can respect and consider that a good sign of being ‘the right stuff’ to be a good boy.
Forgive my rant but, you see, I have had too many experiences with boys who feel broken because they struggle through difficult times. It saddens me to see a boy throw himself into the trash because he feels that’s where he belongs. You don’t. You belong somewhere that makes you happy and proud to be there. You aren’t broken.
Someday, perhaps, when I am feeling VERY talkative I will tell you all of my philosophy of being human, but for now I want this boy in particular to know something. Life will crack you, split you apart and leave you in pieces, but what makes YOU beautiful is that you survive. Your courage, your effort and your determination become a new bond between pieces, a filling of gold, that changes you and makes you even more beautiful than before. Your history, who you are right now, is an extraordinary thing. You simply need to put aside your thoughts about your value and allow someone else to show you that you are wrong.
I want you to understand that you are beautiful, just as you are, because you have endured and survived things most cannot comprehend. You are your own creation and that makes you a singular wonder in the world. you don’t have to be proud of your pain, but you should be proud of the phenomenal accomplishment of still being here. Take hope in that fact too because every day you are, every breath you continue to struggle to take, brings you one step closer to where you want to be.
