empoweredsubmissive:
I received a PM asking how to get over a Dom leaving a committed relationship.
This is such an important topic. Thank you for asking how I have healed. I’ll share what I know, what has helped me, and hope that it is helpful to you and many. Some are practical, some are symbolic, but they have all helped me.
*Know that it will get better. Doesn’t seem possible, but it will. It is a process that TAKES TIME.
*Be careful where you focus your attention. “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Learn that and use it, forever.
*Don’t trouble your mind with the what’s and why’s of his decision. This is sooo sooo difficult. As a submissive, our core is about pleasing our Dominant and we naturally assume blame belongs to us. But it doesn’t. He is just as, if not more, culpable. So, interrupt yourself when you start to blame yourself or figure out what happened in his mind - That takes energy away from YOU and doesn’t change the outcome. Plus, there is never any way you can know his mind with any certainty. YOU are what matters now. Remember, “Where focus goes….”
*Recognize that this pain IS more dynamic than the pain of a ‘vanilla’ breakup. The degree of trust and intimacy runs far deeper in BDSM, so does the pain.
*Grieve and take care of yourself. Cry, sleep, cry, eat, lots of water, cry. Stay far away from alcohol and sugar.
*Speak kindly to yourself – just as you would a child who is grieving. “Oh, sweetie, it hurts, I know it hurts….I know you are going to get through this.” “I know you are scared….” No “but’s” allowed in self-talk.
*Clear the space, especially the bedroom. Open windows, regardless of the temp.; light new candles; play upbeat music….wash the sheets OFTEN. Sounds silly, but the symbolic aspect of that is very helpful.
*Movement! Walks, dancing, aerobics class – just move.
*Write a letter to him. If you are inclined to send it, wait at least 3 weeks. (Making decisions when very mad or sad is ill-advised, at best.)
*Write down memories, pains, whatever you want onto small pieces of paper and then burn them, individually. Take a moment with each and then release it.
*Journal using paper and pencil – get those feelings out. Tapping keys on a keyboard is not the same.
*Create new patterns and rituals to replace those that existed within your relationship. Make sure they are things that promote your health and joy.
*Know that the people who love you want to help and don’t fault them for not understanding the depth of your pain. Ask them for what you need because they probably feel helpless.
I could go on and on, but these are my go-to’s.
I know the pain is crushing. It will lift. Hug yourself. Hugs from me to you.
Hello Alexander Martin, my master is a 95% dom. We have been in a consensual 'abusive' relationship for 5 years. I love your blog and have 2 questions: 1. I get bred by my master 4 - 6 times a day. I really love receiving his cum and would like it to be kept in me by way of a butt-plug. My master doesn't want this because he says it makes me slack-assed. Do you know any other ways to keep cum in a boy's pussy? 2. My master is v sadistic and canes me every other day. Do you have tips on skin care?
Thanks very much, I always love to hear that my blog is a favorite of readers!
1) Holy shit, 4-6 times a day is a LOT. I don’t know how either of you get anything done! A butt plug was a fine idea, I mean you don’t have to put one that’s a recreation of Dawson’s fist in there or anything, but something to plug the opening would work. I think if he’s dismissed that option that your next best bet is straight up kegels.
For anyone reading who hasn’t heard of these muscles. Kegels are muscles that help with a few different things, they are involve in orgasm from your cock and result in the pulsing that pushes cum out, they control your ability to keep your sphincter tight, and they control your ability to cut off urination mid stream.
Exercising them will give you control over your sphincter, help it be more elastic (return to its prior shape after being wrapped around your master’s fat cock faster). There are two modes of exercise, one is to clench down with your ass for about as long as you can and then release, count to 10 and then start again. It is important NOT to clench as hard as humanly possible. That could cause hemorrhoids to form. The other option is to contract and release your sphincter in quick succession as if your hole is hungry for cock. For anyone else reading this, tops benefit from kegel exercises as well. Since those same muscles result in more powerful orgasms because they squeeze the prostate a bit harder. I’d do those two exercise modes and mix them up like you might a gym routine.
2) Lucky you! Before I give any tips on skin care, it’s really important to note that ESPECIALLY bruised areas and broken skin should be treated with ointment and a bandage and should NOT be struck for a good 2 weeks to let them heal up nor should it receive any of the following skin care.
Body lotion should definitely be applied to any of that area. It’s also worthwhile to apply to the face and entire hands daily. When you apply I strongly recommend doing it fresh from the shower. Your skin is most ready to absorb and retain moisture at that time and that will help keep it healthy.
If you have mild burns on a location such as from rope or if the cane has a rough surface, you may want to try Aloe. If you do apply it apply the tiniest bit possible first and see how it feels. If it soothes and does not burn slowly, and carefully apply it elsewhere. Recognize that a cane or rope may cause deeper injury than it does on other areas of the skin. So if you apply to quickly and you get to a spot where it burns you’re in trouble. When you’ve had the aloe on for an hour and 15 minutes or so, then wash it off. You can apply some moisturizer if it’s feeling better or more aloe.
Although this isn’t exactly skin care, if an area is hot and swelling up a bit try applying an ice pack. It will limit the swelling and your recovery time will be a bit shorter.
I’d love to hear any advice you have. I just feel weird. I’ve done my grieving and have for the most part leveled out into acceptable ranges I guess. I just miss him. And I won’t get him back. But I can still get the kind of things he provided as a Sir, but it feels like a betrayal. You spend so long dedicating that aspect of your life to someone, it’s hard to turn around and want it from someone else.
I love very freely, and I have a few other people that I share a relationship of one type or another with. My main partner was just as shocked and affected by my Sir’s passing, because he knew the affection I had for him. Even though they were just friends. We just finished the actual funeral for him and scattered his ashes where he had requested. I am a pretty death positive person. I find talking about death very important and it definitely helped to accept what happened and process it.
But… I feel kind of stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really want another Sir right now. But I do want the things that a dom could give me. Like. Right now I want nothing more than to be tied up and teased for a while. Just so I can destress and work out everything. I think better when I am restrained, I find I can just let myself go, because I can’t get away or hurt anyone, myself included. But I wouldn’t want just anyone to do that… so. It feels like my ability to enjoy those things died with him and I don’t know what to do about that.
Papa Tony:
I understand, at least as well as I can from over here…
I honor your sense of honor and faithfulness. When you swore to have him as your only Sir, YOU GAVE YOUR WORD OF HONOR, which is where the conflict arises, as far as I can tell.
You appear to be like me: An Integrity Junkie. Once I give my word of honor, then you can take that to the BANK. My word is what represents me in the world, and if my word is no good, then I am not a good person.
There’s not a lot of FLEXIBILITY in that philosophy. In the early days of my career as an independent computer consultant, I was nearly incapable of letting go of difficult jobs that went sideways. I was obsessive, and it was holding me back.
I wanted to do a perfect, impeccable job. I still do, but I have had to grow up a bit more, so that I don’t take down the ship with my powerful force of will.
So, it needs to be said, young brother:
It’s time to be selfish, at least for a little while. It’s time to take care of YOU in a healthy way. I grew up in a household where the single WORST word in our family dictionary was “selfish.” When we were angry with each other, we’d sling that word around a lot. We were supposed to do good works in the world, selflessly.
It’s okay to put yourself at the TOP of the priority list, even if only briefly. For folks like you and me, we tend to live permanently at the bottom of our own priority-list. There are other folks out there who need our help!
Your Sir was playing with dynamite when he made you give your word to have HIM be your ONLY Sir, but he didn’t know it at the time. He might have thought that it was cute and sweet (I have no idea), but your innate sense of honor weaponized that exchange, and made it permanent.
The only person who can fix that is you.
It’s time for you to have a new conversation with your dearly departed Sir. It’s time to clear the air. Maybe not right now, but when you are ready. At the moment, your foot is nailed to the floor, and you’re going around around the same point, over and over.
Speaking as a coach, here is what I have had to do many times, when one of my relationship obsessions was tying me in knots…
• I’d get away from distractions. Away from Internet, phone, and other people. Ideally, out at a park with lots of privacy, sitting under a tree.
• I’d do some “Automatic Writing.” This is a delightful process of allowing any and all words to flow onto a paper notepad, without any preconceptions, or any editing. Don’t correct yourself. Just open yourself to the flow of words, even if they make no logical sense. Done properly, and with practice, it’s a direct pipeline to the subconscious. New concepts come bubbling up from underneath, surprising the conscious “you” with new information that you could not have predicted. Be open to that.
• Once I have warmed up with that exercise, then I focus my goals a bit more, and write down what I need to tell my loved one. ALL of it. All of my regrets, fears, disappointments, grief, pain, unfinished conversations and wishful thinking. Don’t try to make the words “pretty” with editing. Just let it flow outward. Think of the writing process as a “core dump” of everything that has not yet had a chance to be expressed. You’ve been emotionally constipated. Time to let GO.
• I keep going, writing until I run dry. Now is a very good time to cry.
• Then, I find a barbecue, or other safe place to burn something, like a fireplace. Bring some matches, and send the smoke of your heart’s words upward and outward. Give your pain to the universe, and be done, by making it a conscious gesture. It’s for your benefit, good man.
I MAY invite friends and witnesses and make it a small but meaningful ceremony. It’s not important to read to others what you have written, out loud. The point is to consciously use this opportunity to “un-stick” yourself, and do honor to your Sir by declaring that you will never, ever forget him, AND that you are now stepping into your next phase. Witnesses are great for these kinds of declarations.
You won’t ever forget him, and we both know that. Instead, you will lovingly hold him in your heart as you move through the phases of your life. You will find new love, and new Sirs, and succeed because you are a good and faithful boy. You’ve proven that.
October 16th, 2018 8:34pm
My Sir passed away just recently, and I am a little bit lost. I am poly and have other relationships, but his only rule was he was my Only Sir. I miss what he could provide me and I am stressed from his passing. But I feel weird about wanting another Sir. I don’t really do hook ups, especially with this. But I miss being tied up. And I ache for someone else to be in control for a while so I can just de-stress. But I can’t bear the thought of it being someone else. Any thoughts that might help me?
Papa Tony:
I feel for you, brother. I truly do. In all of the years that I have been lurking around gay kinky Tumblr, this will be the first time that I will have seen discussion of death, dying, and grief. It’s an overdue topic.
I have had to deal with the death of loved ones as well. Your loss is 100% valid, and worth focusing on. My wish is that you have friends and loved ones who are there for you. I care, brother.
I am not sure where you live, geographically, but in the USA, our prevailing culture does its best to distract us from the realities of life and death. The LAST thing that I want to do is to share some stooopid, soothing platitudes. They don’t help, and never have:
“Time Heals All Wounds.” No, it doesn’t. Grieving helps, so that eventually the sorrow doesn’t remain the primary focus of our lives. Avoiding grief makes the pain’s intensity stay higher, longer. In other words, now is the time to dive deep into the sadness. You do honor to your Sir, and the times that you shared, by memorializing him.
“Your Sir Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad.” Bullshit. Imagine if the situation was reversed. You know that he would be just as devastated and lonely, in honor of your wonderful shared experiences, and the deep investment that you made in each other.
“He’s In A Better Place Now.” Better than being with YOU? I doubt that, and so do you.
I have had to seek out qualified help with grieving, because our culture is anti-grieving by design. We shove death away from us, instead of helping each other to deal with the pain in healthy, compassionate ways.
Since you asked me specifically for help, please google the following phrase, followed by your own city and country:
Grief Recovery <your location>
I’m pretty certain that resources that can ACTUALLY HELP YOU exist in your area. Even with professional help, it took me a full year of deep grieving before I was ready to start the next phase of my life. Your results may vary.
Your love and respect for your Sir speaks well for your utterly valid relationship, no matter what anyone else thinks. I honor the time that you had together.
I am sending you the warmest, sweetest embrace that I have, brother.
At some point, I request that you send me a few words about the good times that you and your Sir shared. I ask that you bear witness to what happened, and why it meant so much to you. I’d love to share that with the world, as a lasting memorial.
The page listing all of the articles in this series can be found here,
Dear Papa Tony, I don’t know how to ask this in a clear or coherent manner because I’ve been trying to understand it for a long time, and I can’t seem to find other ways to describe it. I reach the same place in my head when I read nurturing blogs such as yours: I just wanna be held. What or why do you think that is? I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and thank you for what you do here.
Thank you for reaching out, brother. It makes perfect sense to me. I’m in the mood to tell some relevant stories before I get to the main point. Please indulge a long-winded old man.
You are talking about Skin Hunger.
Getting Back to My Center
When I was going through self-torment during the time when I had just come out to my family, I called my oldest brother. He did NOT want to talk to me, because he was angry with me for making our mother so upset.
I said “Never mind that - we can cover that topic later. Right now, I have a special question that only you can answer; what was I like as a child?” My question caught him by surprise, and he had to do some mental shifting of gears.
He warmed up to the topic right away, and really lit up as he proceeded:
“You were the sweetest little boy. If somebody was sad, you were the first one to comfort them, even in the days before you started talking. You were always the first one to dance and sing, any time, any place. You were a silly, hilariously funny clown. You were never a brat, and you always hugged people as you walked past them, going the other way in that long hallway in our house.”
He didn’t know it, but he had just helped to drastically transform my life. That brief conversation was a major pivot-point in my life that helped me to become the man that I am, forty three years later.
Starting Over From the Beginning
I came from a very bad beginning, and I was very damaged. After trying to kill myself several times, I had been spiraling into despair. I was right on the verge of accelerating my downfall, just like everybody predicted about evil queers. If I was going to hell anyway, I may as well go hardcore.
But my conversation with my brother was my desperately-needed lifeline. I could CHOOSE another path. I decided to live my life in a childlike (not CHILDISH) way, in MY style, based upon my natural wiring. I was born to be bountiful, joyful, playful, light-hearted and frisky, but that had been beaten out of me. My first phase was over, and I could start all over again.
I would treat everyone like they were a beloved sibling. I would look for the good in others. I would learn (eventually) how to cry without shame, whenever I needed to. Therapy helped. A LOT.
And, I became entirely available for hugs. Not stiff, awkward “A-Frame” hugs, where you only make contact at the shoulders. I am all about the full-on, joyful and authentic embrace.
I am a pretty perceptive man, and I would never impose an embrace upon somebody who didn’t want one. That would be creepy, and I don’t want to ever be creepy. I might offer a hug by using body language (holding my arms open a bit, with a quizzical look on my face), or I might say “Are you the type that hugs?”
This makes it their choice. They can decline, and I don’t mind. I do not attach my own self-worth to their decision. That way, I don’t lose heart and stop reaching out as the years go by.
For me a hug is a time to be glad to know somebody, or to meet them for the first time. In the Mankind Project, I learned how to “hold space” with somebody - to be fully present with them, because they are important and valuable. I breathe with them during the hug, and give an honest blessing that is in my heart at the time.
My hugs are legendary, according to the folks who know me. Even posing for a picture always involves an embrace.
The Distinction Between Bounty, and Scarcity
When my husband and I were first dating 28 years ago, we were at a country-western gay dance bar. His friends approached him and asked “What’s it like to be dating a SLUT?!??”
He was baffled, and said “What do you mean?” They said “Look at him, over there. Everybody is hugging him!” He came over and told me about it, asking for my opinion. I laughed and laughed, but not in a mean way.
I said “I am not promising these people penis, nor am I promising them money. I am bountiful by nature. I feel that there is enough love in the world for everyone. Who WOULDN’T want to be admired for being kind?” He liked that.
Yes, I have been a slutty, unapologetically sexual being my entire adult life, but that’s a DIFFERENT story. 😈
“Scarcity” is a zero-sum game. If I can deny something good for somebody else, then that means that I get to keep that good thing for ME. If they fail because they didn’t get what they need, then that’s no skin off MY ass, right?
Nope. I am ALL about “Bounty,” where we can cooperate, share, and create enough love, respect and trust for everybody. Over the decades, a few folks have made a foolish assumption about me…
I am sweet and trusting by conscious choice (”Happiness Is A Choice That We Make Every Day”), but I’m also nobody’s doormat. If I detect somebody trying to take unfair advantage of me or others, then I put a definitive stop to that action, toot sweet!
The Distinction Between Sex, and Intimacy
Sex is easy. It’s everywhere to be found. With a bit of practice, we can ATTRACT someone. The trick is learning how to RETAIN them. With my bountiful nature, that has never been a problem. Men are drawn to me, because I am free of the usual inhibitions about intimacy.
There are four heterosexual men in this photo.
Periodically, I teach classes. I teach Tops, Doms, Sirs, Masters and the like. It’s delightful, and gives my life purpose. One of the ice-breaker classes that I include in a semester is called “Sex vs. Intimacy.” Men NEED that class. We can be so emotionally stunted because the larger culture forces us apart, and we don’t get the cuddles, support and intimacy that we crave with other males.
If I am teaching in a group situation, I always find ways to make it an intimate experience, by having others be in contact throughout the session. This is incredibly easy to set up, because the men gladly want to join in, at long last. They just needed the invitation.
Other Resources
I have heard very good things about various Men’s Groups, such as Body Electric. If anyone can recommend more, please provide some links in your comments below.
This is where I bring it all back to your original question, brother. If it’s hard to find the words, then it means that you have not yet upgraded your social circle.
So, be what you need. If folks around you aren’t in the habit of hugging, then it’s clearly time for you to be a bountiful soul. Let your beautiful light shine, without withholding or shame. There will be folks who don’t understand. We can’t live our lives at the effect of other people’s opinions, and be emotionally healthy, too.
Over time, you will find that the majority of folks are starving for hugs, trust and honest friendliness, just like you. Folks respond beautifully to the sensitive ones who create the affectionate theme for others in a conscious way. I have proven this, thousands of times.
When I was growing up, there was a saying:
“Human beings need a MINIMUM of seven hugs a day, just for maintenance!”
I agree with that opinion. I do my best to live by it, decade after decade.
imlostinvertigo:
I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.
I learned the first time that he has a fairly low pain threshold, but I wanted to probe the borders of that a bit more to get a better idea of where I could take us. So I started the session with a good spanking and a little paddling. Nothing too intense, but it didn’t take much to get him to the edge of what he could take. Still, he took it well, and I had fun giving it to him. After we were done, I moved us on to some things I knew he would enjoy more, like having him on the floor licking on my boots. At some point he was enjoying himself so much that he quickly and unexpectedly shot a load all over the floor.
Now, I had given him permission to touch himself, but not to cum. I was glad he had a good time, but I also knew I needed to establish firm boundaries and expectations if we’re going to keep exploring things together. So I calmly but fimly explained to him that he had crossed a line he knew he shouldn’t have, and told him to go get the paddle off of my bed.
I gave him 10 more good licks, making him count each one and thank me for it. I could tell he was struggling with them at the end, which I wanted; I wanted to make sure he understood the concept of discipline early on in his submissive journey. And I was fully expecting to then hold him and explain that his discipline was over, he was forgiven, and we were moving on. But when we got the end, things took a turn.
He started sobbing almost immediately after the last blow. He had turned inward, and the discipline scene had hit on something very deep and very raw. I was disappointed in him. His husband was disappointed in him. His coworkers were disappointed in him. Because he was bad, and he ruined everything….
I had clearly stepped on an emotional landmine. And now instead of it being the ultimately affirming scene I had planned on, he was lost in these powerful feelings of shame and inadequacy. I knew I had to step in and keep him from spiraling down further.
Luckily, I’m pretty good in situations like this. I immediately went over to hold him, touched him gently and told him that far from being disappointed in him, I was vey proud of him! That he had taken his discipline very well, and that meant that all was good again. That he had served me well and I was extremely pleased wth his service. That he was a good boy. That no one was disappointed in him, least of all me. He came back to me, slowly. He finally stopped crying and relaxed in my arms. I asked him what he needed the most right then; he wanted a hot shower. I prepared one for him, got a towel, and hung out talking with him in the bathroom while he recovered.
After that we laid in the bed and cuddled and talked about what had happened. I explained to him that when you start pushing your body in new ways, especially with pain, you can enter into a state of vulnerability that can allow some pretty powerful emotions to come to the surface. That I had been there myself. Many times. That he shouldn’t feel bad about it at all, and that hopefully he actually felt better for having worked some of it out of his system. He left feeling good about it I was just thankful I had been able to help him get through it and understand it a bit.
Having said that. Man. I realized in a new way the responsibility that comes with being a Dom. I care about this boy a great deal, and when I could see how much distress he was in at the end of the scene that I had planned and put him through, I felt awful about it. I’m not saying I thought it was my fault; I didn’t do anything wrong, and I had no way of knowing I was stumbling into a very sensitive area for him. But it was still my responsibility. He was my responsibility. That’s the deal, his service for my guidance and protection. And I could really feel the weight of that responsibility when he broke down. In those first few moments when I didn’t know how far down that hurt had gone, I was really worried and keeping a wave of panic at bay.
I thought a lot about my Master, afterward. I’m one of those people that feels things very intensely myself, and for me good BDSM is a very emotional experience. I have broken down far more severely than what the boy did at the end of more than one hard scene with Master. Christ, I’ve rolled around on the floor and howled like a wounded animal. And every single time, Master has been my rock. Unflappable. He’s always taken care of me, treated me affectionately, given me what I’ve needed, brought me back to myself. He’s always shouldered his responsibility for me in these times with a seeming ease and sense of limitless strength. I could not go to the places I go with Him were that not so.
We submissives/switches should never forget what our Doms do for us, what an awesome responsibility it is to hold the physical and mental well being of another person in your hands so completely. It is not easy, and not for the weak of spirit. In return, we should always give them the best of our service and our utmost devotion and obedience.
He is talking about responsibility but also talks about how important aftercare is. No matter if it is the first scene with a submissive or a 100th, you have no idea how the MIND will react and what a word, phrase or hit will bring out. As a Dominant you have a responsibility to care for your submissive, talk, and bring them back to themselves.
The importance of male touch cannot be overstated. Sadly, as we grow into adulthood, we are told to let this go. We horse around as kids. We play sports that bring us together. We belong to frats. We have best buddies we sit on a couch with and do nothing but chill.
Then men are expected to leave this aspect of their lives in order to spend all of their time at work or with family.
Gay men have the advantage here. We get to have more physical contact with our friends and buddies. i wish i could convince the straight guys of the world to commit at least two hours a week to being naked or physical with other men. There doesn’t have to be sex involved. It will refresh your soul and remind you that you are part of a brotherhood of animals.
Touch, like bondage and pain, is a tool to connect us to our bodies. It has tremendous power to heal us and bond us
Papa Tony:
“Skin Hunger” is a real thing. I have taught many men’s classes on the distinction between “sex” and “Intimacy.” Mostly, the men are gay, but in this particular class there are a few heterosexual men in the picture:
I am able to connect well with a lot of straight men. Word gets around that I have no interest in being all “Hands and Glands” with them. So, I will attend pansexual kinky people’s social events. The ones who approach me for my patented embraces are the male dominants. Over and over, multiple times in one evening. They lay their heads on my chest and give out a deep sigh.
What makes my hugs so popular? I don’t do the “A-Frame” hug: HiHowaya-slap-the-back-dismiss. ick. I do an actual embrace. They last at least five seconds, sometimes more. I breathe with them. During that time, I am being PRESENT with them. I am glad to know them. I “hold space” for the entire time, treasuring their presence in the world. I’m not thinking about tomorrow’s schedule. I am with them because I like them.
I also will bless them with whatever is true for me. If I admire that man, I tell him so, and in a detailed way. The gay-male kinky community doesn’t have many elders who bless. There are even fewer in the hetero-kinkster side of things.
Kinky Doms are expected to KNOW things automatically, as if wisdom was built into their “Y” chromosomes, and it is NOT. Being the One In Charge can be stressful, when you are trying to hold it together all on your own. So, a loving hug from a kindly brother is always, always appreciated.
