Ten Top Communication Mistakes

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psych-quotes:

No one is a perfect communicator, especially when our emotions are involved. It’s easy to say the wrong thing, take something the wrong way, or make assumptions that can quickly lead to disagreements and hurt feelings. Here are 10 of the top communication mistakes that people make and how to avoid them:

Not talking face to face. Talking over texts or email is fine for minor conversations, but you should never have an important talk this way. When you can’t hear someone’s voice, as you can on the phone or in person, it’s all too easy to mistake their tone and take something the wrong way. When someone says “fine” or “whatever” in a text message, it’s hard to tell if they’re cheerful or cold. There are so many subtleties in our tone of voice that can easily lead a conversation one way or another, and they are missed when you’re dealing in written communication. Next time you want to have an important conversation, make sure to do it in person.

Assuming they know what you want. Your partner is not a mind reader, so if you want them to do something you need to be able to just come right out and say it. It’s not fair to be mad or sulky because they weren’t able to guess what you need or want from them. Don’t make the assumption that they will anticipate your every need – just come out and tell them instead, and there won’t be any confusion.

Generalizing. Avoid making sweeping generalizations when you’re talking, like, “you never listen to me”, or, “you always put your needs ahead of mine”. It’s rare that something will “always” be true, and it only makes the other person defensive. Stick to the issue at hand and be more specific. Say something else, such as, “You weren’t listening to me last night and it really bothered me”.

Getting too emotional. Emotions are welcome in conversation, but you need to be able to control them in order to have a mature conversation that has a chance of going anywhere. If you burst into tears at the first sign of an argument or confrontation, it basically shuts down the entire conversation. Or, if you storm off, start yelling, or fly off the handle it makes it impossible for the conversation to progress. Learn ways to rein your emotions in so that you can continue with the conversation and have a chance to resolve the issue.

Putting words in their mouth. Don’t project your thoughts or feelings onto your partner by putting words into their mouth. It’s not fair to anyone to make assumptions about what they think and accuse them of feeling something that they may not be. If you have a thought on something and you want to vocalize it, just make sure that you assign responsibility of it to yourself instead of projecting it onto them.

Not thinking before you talk. Blurting things out before you’ve thought about them is a surefire way to put your foot in your mouth, offend someone, or say something that you don’t mean. Consider your audience before you talk and take a minute to filter what you’re going to say to eliminate any potentially hurtful words.

Shutting down. No conversation stands a chance if you won’t let it happen. If you shut down and refuse to talk then you’re never going to be able to resolve any issue. Conversations can sometimes be painful or filled with anxiety, but they need to happen in order to move forward. Refusing to talk about something is only going to keep you stuck in the same place.

Timing it wrong. Don’t try to have an important conversation when your partner is preparing for a big presentation, watching the superbowl, or on their way out the door in a rush. It’s not fair to spring soething on them when they’re distracted, and the conversation won’t go the way you want it to unless you can both give it your full attention.

Rehashing old stuff. Don’t bring up old grudges or arguments every time you have a new disagreement. Leave the past in the past and just deal with the issue at hand, or the conversation will become so drawn out and complicated that neither of you will even remember what you were talking about in the first place.

Not being clear in the outcome that you want. When you’re asking your partner to make changes, or do something differently, be specific and let them know what outcome you want to see happen. If you don’t ask for exactly what you want then you can’t ever expect to get it. Let them know that you want something specifc to change or to happen so they aren’t just guessing that they’ve done it right.

Pro-Verbal

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FagsWorshipAlphas:

As you can tell in my next post below, I'm definitely pro when it comes to an alpha feeders being verbally abusive while I service them. I absolutely love men who feel free enough to say whatever they want while I'm servicing them. Because that's just it: they feel free to be as nasty as they want...they're in a place they don't get to go to in "proper" American life.

My next post may seem a little over the top so I thought I would clarify: I'm going to give 100% of my cocksucker abilities to any man I agree to service, whether they are quiet as a mouse or are constantly reminding me of my faggot cocksucker cumslut status as a human being. I am EXTREMELY grateful that a man would share his sex with me, regardless of his verbosity.

But when a man starts being verbally abusive, it's like an electric shock goes through me...like over-clocking the CPU on a gaming computer or injecting nitrous into your car to get a speed boost...for a while, I'm over-heated and going into areas more than 100%. I feel it in my gut and my head and it's like my body, swimming with cocksucker hormones, gets a literal high from it.

At any rate, not all cocksuckers are into it the way I am and I have encountered PLENTY of feeders that don't WANT to say anything. Find the right type of consenting adult that's a good fit for you.

As you can tell in my next post below, I'm definitely pro when it comes to an alpha feeders being verbally abusive while I service them. I absolutely love men who feel free enough to say whatever they want while I'm servicing them. Because that's just it: they feel free to be as nasty as they want...they're in a place they don't get to go to in "proper" American life.

My next post may seem a little over the top so I thought I would clarify: I'm going to give 100% of my cocksucker abilities to any man I agree to service, whether they are quiet as a mouse or are constantly reminding me of my faggot cocksucker cumslut status as a human being. I am EXTREMELY grateful that a man would share his sex with me, regardless of his verbosity.

But when a man starts being verbally abusive, it's like an electric shock goes through me...like over-clocking the CPU on a gaming computer or injecting nitrous into your car to get a speed boost...for a while, I'm over-heated and going into areas more than 100%. I feel it in my gut and my head and it's like my body, swimming with cocksucker hormones, gets a literal high from it.

At any rate, not all cocksuckers are into it the way I am and I have encountered PLENTY of feeders that don't WANT to say anything. Find the right type of consenting adult that's a good fit for you.

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In my experience, great sex ALWAYS involves verbal expressions of some sort, even if it is only grunts and moans. It's especially important for faggots to hear their Alpha's expressions for two reasons:

1. Verbal expressions deepen a faggot's subspace and encourages better service.

2. Verbal expressions give the faggot a sense of what is pleasing the Man.

I find it weird when a MAN remains totally silent while being serviced. It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm molesting a terrified child. So Alphas and Men, PLEASE express yourselves in all of your sexual experiences. You are born Kings, so make sure you RUT like Kings!!!

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hadriantemple:

Verbal play is a very powerful tool. A dom can use to shape his boy’s experience of the scene, to guide his boy into a particular headspace, to express his own need for aggression, and much more.

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Papa Tony:

I am always, always strict with my subs about how important feedback is to me in a scene.  These links go into greater detail:

• *THIS* Is Why I Mentor Doms
• Instructional Video: Kinky Playing Without Toys
• How to Become a Legendary Sir
• Training and Protocols for a New Submissive
• When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

When I am teaching a new submissive, I stress the following idea:

"The More That You Submit, The More That I Dominate."

The exact opposite is true, too.

Alpha Tips

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alphacumdumpbreeder: Inspire Before You Require

True submission is inspired before it can be required. It is inspired not by who you claim to be but who you actually are.

Being Alpha is more than just being confident in what you expect. It is leadership, guidance, wisdom, responsibility, knowing and setting boundaries; and it is both self-discipline and discipline of others.

When submission is inspired, there is no need to protect a facade of ‘perfection’ because: 1) no one is perfect 2) sometimes you are going to get it wrong. You are. But inspired submission follows you through it, not because you are perfect, but because you have already inspired their loyalty.

Demanding compliance and barking orders is perfectly fine as long as the submission it demands is rooted in inspiration. Otherwise, it eventually leads to internal eye rolls from those whose submission you have forgotten is their choice to give.

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jockdiesel:

Communication for Doms

Here are some ‘pearls of wisdom’ for new Doms on how to establish a healthy Dom/sub connection. Some of these pointers pertain to more intense play, but are good suggestions regardless of the type of play.

1. Communicate. Probably the most important skill to learn as a Dom, is how to effectively communicate. As the leader it’s your job to keep communication an open, two-way street. Subs often shut down or disconnect. It’s not because they are being defiant. Sometimes it’s part of their subspace experience, and sometimes they’re overwhelmed by what’s happening. They may perceive what you are doing as abuse, or relate it to a moment of abuse in their past. It can happen at any time, even when doing something you’ve already done before with no problems. Here are some tips to developing good habits to facilitate communication between you and your sub.

2. Be yourself. Even though Dom/sub relations are technically ‘role play’ most people want to play with real people. Especially in the beginning, subs want to know an authentic, personal side of you, and know that you are someone they can rely on, and they can trust.

When a sub offers himself to you it is a big deal, and he’s offering himself to YOU, not some fictional character. He wants YOU to lead him through any challenges and adversity. He needs your help. If you’re trying too hard or doing something that’s way out of character, then rethink your strategy.

Your sub will see how uncomfortable it is for you and his confidence may waver. So start slow and easy. That being said, if you’re trying something new and it’s backfiring or turning into a clusterfuck, just stop, say that it’s not working out, and laugh it off. Bonding comes from sharing both successes and failures. Handling failures well is just as important as enjoying success.

3. Establish endpoints, and checking in: Unless it is your lifestyle, it’s a good habit to establish things I call ‘endpoints’ and ‘checking in.’

Endpoints: 

An endpoint is simply defining the beginning and ending of a BDSM scene. Create a time, before and after a scene, for physical contact and communication. Be positive, affirming, calm, relaxed. Smile, use touch, eye contact, and say something like, “we’re gong to have a really good time today all right?” or “You did a great job today, thank you.” Simple common courtesy. And listen to what your sub has to say.  Treat it like a ritual. Subs respond very well to this kind of consistency. It only takes a minute and it does a world of good towards building trust and camaraderie.

Checking in: Checking in can happen within a scene or can be used as a transition between scenes. It’s basically a short rest period - less than 30 seconds - where you ease up on stimulation, when a sub can regroup, verbalize his condition, think things out, relax a little, get ready for more. Think of it like a little chunk of aftercare inside of a scene. It’s a good time to re-establish a connection, check in with the sub and see how he’s doing. Speak with a comforting tone, be encouraging. Ask him “how are you doing?” Over a very short time he’ll become conditioned so that when he’s in this ‘safe zone’ he knows he’s physically safe from harm, and will come to relish those times and bond with you over them. It also serves as a reality check, allowing the sub to momentarily assert control if he wishes. When you’re ready to start up again, just say, ‘you ready?’ and listen to his response.

4. Handling meltdowns and catharsis. It will happen eventually. Especially if you’re involved with punishments or endorphin rushes, S&M and longer, more intense scenes. A strong emotional release….crying, or anger or fear. Grief, heartache, anguish, passion, joy, gratitude. A hundred emotions and powerful feelings all culminating together and overflowing. It’s like an unstoppable force that grabs hold of your body and doesn’t let go. At that moment, it can go either way:  It can be a powerfully positive cathartic experience - something life-changing that your sub will be eternally grateful for. Or it can be devastating to him - something that will leave him scarred, erase all the trust you’ve built,  and fill you both with regret.

The most important thing you can do as a Dom at that moment, is BE THERE. Stop extraneous stimulation. Make it quiet. Be physically close, but not obtrusive. If you do make physical contact, make it firm contact, like an anchor he can hold onto. Don’t be overly consoling…you don’t know what he’s thinking right now. Just be there, and say the words, “I’m here with you. I’m right here.” Say it just a few times, not over and over. Try not to say things like, “you’re ok,’ because he’s not. Instead, say “you’ll BE ok.” “I’ve got you.” I’m with you.” Realize that this is HIS experience, not yours. He needs to handle this himself. But he needs you there to witness it, and honor it, and honor him. By being present with him. That is all.

When the time is right, when things settle a bit, tell him “I’m going to untie you now and then we’re going to go rest for a while.” Expect another emotional release to return at some point, and again, use firm steady touch, like an anchor. Go lay down for a while with him. Cover him with a blanket. Warm him with your body. Hold him close and let him have his experience. When he is still, give him some time by himself to rest. He might fall asleep for a while. That is normal. When he wakes again, he might be really happy and energized, or kinda dazed and confused, or exhausted and hungry. Your boy just worked very hard for you. Be a good mentor and tend to HIS needs.

serviceorientedsub:

Beautifully written. A true ALPHA is a MAN who knows HE must lead and not just order. Owning another human being, for five minutes or a lifetime, comes with the responsibility to care for what is HIS.

maxtem19:

Omg yes. Communicate. It’s a two-way street to get where you want to be.

phthalo5:

Words of alpha wisdom.

dirtydaddythings:

Very well written and equally wise. These are points not only for Dom/Daddies but for sub/boys to read. It is good to know what to expect and to be prepared for certain things that should and others that could happen.

#4. Catharsis happens even in casual settings. Something as simple as a compassionate touch can trigger unresolved or underlying tensions and results in a break down or an explosive release. The more intense the session the deeper that effect can reach. This is an important component of being a Dom/Daddy.

How you handle it determines your ability to help them cope with what they are feeling.
Within the context of Dad/boy roleplay D/s there is a wide range of things that can crop up, and most often it is a cathartic release. The first time a boy is truly ‘broken’ so much floods them that there are often tears and sobbing. There is so much anxiety and pressure and desire that gets wrapped up in the idea of being with Daddy that it can overwhelm a boy. It’s not your fault, but it is yours to help them through. 

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

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fistfuckgaygr: The best way I’ve heard submission described was at M/s conference in 2008: Submission is not following your Master. It is preceding him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any pitfalls or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him, to guide and navigate, to keep you safe.

The most common way I’ve heard Dominance described uses words that I wouldn’t use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dominant posts, and a lot of “Submissives Deserve XYZ” posts. But one thing I’ve almost never heard…what do Dominants deserve? Where is our “10” list?

1. Know your Responsibilities.

Dominants have responsibilities. We hear a LOT about that in our community. We have the responsibility to be forgiving and understanding. We have the responsibility to be strong and independent. We have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to accept accountability for whatever happens with the submissive. We have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and (often) our submissives’ actions.

Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities. Those are play rules, or relationship kinks.) Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with your Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with your partner. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

2. Remember Patience?
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is a little girl…
When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.The same with fetishes. I understand you are a HUGE anal slut. But let’s build up to that. 

Yes, I can probably put together a scene with 23 different ass sensation toys, and a half dozen different positions, with FancyRopeWork ™. But why? Let’s share other experiences. Let’s learn each other before moving into what should be a permanent relationship.It takes time before a dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for us to learn your little idiosyncrasies. It takes experience to recognize your body language, and to be able to intuit your fears and your feelings. There will be false starts, and stops, and pitfalls, and awkward situations. If you actually want a relationship with your Dominant…be realistic about it. (see #3)Expecting us to immediately rock your world…it happens sometimes. But most of the time, it takes time and effort before we know you well enough to really rock out.

3. Have Realistic Expectations.

You aren’t perfect? Well, neither am We. We’re learning every day. A good Dominant (one who will eventually be worthy of the title “Master”) is constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading. Expecting a 29 year old to pay for all your dates, have a fully equipped dungeon, be the perfect boyfriend, help pay your rent when you’re behind, god-like lover, and be a Master-of-All-Toys is, frankly, naive.

It takes a lot of work to build a relationship - and that relationship has to be built from both ends. We understand that you are sacrificing a lot when you surrender your body - often, so are we (see #9). We are as giving as we can be of our time, our money, and our emotions. It hurts us just as much when we’re dropped, dumped, manipulated or lied to. 

But, you may have noticed, we don’t have “Dominant support” groups, by and large. So while you’re risking more of your body and heart on the front end – we’re risking a hell of a lot of our soul and our mind on the back end.If we’re with you, and making an honest effort…respect that. We respect you (even when we’re calling you cunts while whipping your ass) for your ability to take pain and suffering and then turn it into something amazing. We recognize your talents and efforts. Please, recognize ours.

4. Consistency.

It’s a real roller coaster ride to have a submissive who is one person in the morning, another at night, and a complete third when he skips his meds (see #7). And roller coasters are fun…but they don’t make for great daily activities.

We’re going to do the best we can to enforce the rules consistently. To respond to your needs as much as we can, when we can. To be the same Dominant on Monday that we are Saturday night. What we ask in return? The same thing from you. Make the effort (see #9) to follow those rules. Don’t give us the A#1 effort Saturday night at the party, and then just coast on the relationship for the rest of the week.There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Monday through Sunday in his level of devotion, his level of commitment, and his level of caring. We honestly don’t care if that level is low, medium, high, or barely existent. We’ll work with that – that’s what a Dominant does. We motivate, we train, and we guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… the greatest Master in the scene couldn’t deal with that 24/7. Neither can we.

5. Discretion within the relationship.

Yeah, so. Going online and chatting in a slaves group, or on Fet, about how your Master doesn’t scratch your itch, or how you’re so disappointed he didn’t do SexyMoveA#1 last night? That’s not cool. We don’t (believe it or not) go around gossiping with every Dominant we know about how tight your ass was last night, or how funny you looked sobbing after an emotional edge play scene. Please have the same courtesy - don’t assume that just because you’re the submissive, you can talk about anything in our relationship that you want to and call it “submissive sharing”. If you have a genuine issue in the relationship - we should be the first person you talk to about it. Not your online friends. 

See #10 about that.

This is not an endorsement of abuse. If you are being abused (physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, etc.), for the love of God, go to your local shelter. Your nearest victim advocate. Or the closest police station.But please bear in mind – below that particular level? Relationships will always have problems…talking to your partner solves a LOT of them.

6. Trust. (No really, actual trust, not “earn it or else” trust)

No, this doesn’t mean trust me immediately from word one. That would be insane.
But this ties in with #8 and #9. You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication (see #10). From both parties. Trust is a two way street. If your Dominant has to constantly prove that he’s worthy of your trust, then why are you with him?I was once with a btm who had me convinced that it was a Dominant’s job to constantly be earning and re-earning trust. I heard the mantra of “a Master /earns/ trust” at least once a day. The entire relationship was one long marathon of constant effort to “earn” his trust by doing everything he wanted, and never disagreeing with him. It took a slap ‘round the head and shoulders by a senior Dominant and very trusted friend before I realized that I was being used.

7. Sanity.
This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle. If you have depression, bi-polar, manic episodes, or have been described by previous friends, dominants or family members as a “wild and crazy” type…the odds are that you, in fact, need therapy. Possibly medication. There’s no shame in that – a HUGE percentage of people in this modern world have psychological issues that need to be addressed with pills or therapy. Please seek it BEFORE approaching a dominant. We, in return, will attempt to do the same for our own issues. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships should be done AFTER the mental health issues are addressed and under control.

8. Stop Recycling the Past.

Your last Dominant hurt you. Or didn’t measure up. I understand that, personally. My last submissive didn’t either (see #7). But that said…this is us, starting fresh. I certainly want to know if your last Dom was abusive, hurtful, or cruel. You need to know if my last submissive was, too. That’s part of the whole “communication skills” thing in #10 and it will affect how we interact. I do NOT, however, need to hear a daily address list of the A-Z of everything you ever disliked about him…or a weekly update on how I compare to him. Considering that I probably don’t do any of the former, and don’t care about the latter. This is a new relationship. You wouldn’t enjoy me constantly comparing you, out loud, to my last girl. You wouldn’t enjoy an intimate partner constantly comparing you to their last lover. I don’t enjoy it either. Keep the past, in the past.

9. Honest Effort and Understanding.

You want us to know how hard submission is? Well, we want you to know how hard Domination is. We have to think in three dimensions about the emotional and psychological impact of everything from our tone of voice to our tools, from our clothes and cologne to our cock and cunt hair. It’s exhausting at times, and just like submissives…sometimes we burn out. Sometimes we’re too tired to be SparkleMasterLeatherDom/me. And just like we are expected (by our Dominant brothers and sisters, if not by our submissives) to be consistently understanding and supportive of slaves rights and feelings…we deserve a little consideration ourselves.

10. Communication Skills.

Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. Please note the “and”. You AND me. Kenova AND Cassie. Snowy AND Toy. The “and”? That has a lot of meaning. It means that just as much as you expect us, the Dominants, to communicate with you about your training and performance…we expect the same. We deserve the same. If you have concerns - you need to talk to us, not post it on Fetlife. If you feel hurt, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your Dom, not slam them to all of your friends. If you honestly believe that your Dom has problems? Talk to them about it. Be a big girl/boy/boi/slave/slut/whore/bottom/queer/toy/androgyne.

But if you can’t communicate at least as well as you expect your Dominant to communicate to you? If you aren’t making the honest effort (see #9) to become a better communicator? Then you’re the problem, not the Dom.

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?

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What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head.

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see these those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used. 

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with. 

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. 

I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion. I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission. 

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation. 

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated. a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. 

 of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy. limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

Your Partner Wants to Submit to You: Now What?

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fistfuckgaygr:

From the Dominant Guide...

First of all, this is a good thing

Despite whether or not you feel like you have a desire or inclination to be Dominant, reassure your partner that this kind of open and honest communication is a positive thing and encourage more of it.

My marriage grew exponentially closer and stronger with every honest (balls out, real honesty I am talking about here) conversation we had. Even if this has taken you off guard be glad that you are talking in a very real way about your fantasies and desires now.

If your partner has brought this to you, you likely feel one of four ways. You may be: excited and horny and ready to spank a little ass, or disappointed because their kink doesn’t necessarily line up with what turns you on, or conflicted to the whole damn thing, or finally, you are concerned about the future of your relationship because this just doesn’t suit you. We’ll go over the stepping stones from here.

If you’re hot and horny and ready to break out a paddle: That’s great! Welcome to the wonderful world of taking charge. Just about everywhere you turn will give you the standard rundown of starting Dominance. Read. Do research. Learn about safety. Set up safe words. Communicate. Be responsible. (I just stated them here too in case you are here first.) Yes. Do all that stuff. But also, jump on in, particularly when you have an excited, consenting partner waiting to get started too.

It seems as if everybody nowadays wants to do weeks and months and years of reading and research and prepping before trying this out. Sure, reading is helpful. Research is good. But reading and research will only get you so far. You can only take in so much information before it begins to go in one ear and out the other because, without application, you forget what you are learning.

Imagine trying to learn to change the oil in a car and only reading about it. At some point, you’re going to need to get your hands dirty on an actual vehicle to try it out. This hands-on application is the best way to learn and grow in Dominance. You have no idea how hard your partner wants to be spanked unless you fling them over the foot of the bed and give them a spanking, and then asking for an opinion on how it felt.

Now I do encourage that constant honest communication with your partner throughout this beginning period (and of course forever) because as a Dominant you will need to lead and make decisions all of the time. Since none of us are mind readers, you will need to ask loads of questions and expect forthright honesty. Create a comfortable space for your submissive to be able to say anything respectfully so long as it is in the purpose of communicating information to you. Nobody will tell you better if you are on the right track than your submissive… so long as you listen.

Questions to ask your partner if you’re ready to jump in:

• Are you interested in bedroom submission, outside the bedroom submission, or both?
• How much research have you done about Dominance and submission?
• What experience do you have in the past?
• On a scale of 0-10 (0 being boring as hell, 10 being the kinkiest shit you’ve ever seen) where do you think we are currently at? Where do you want to be ideally?
• In thinking about submission, what image or fantasy gets you turned on the most?

If you’re disappointed because their kink is not your kink: That’s okay. Both your reaction to the news as well as your having different kinks. If you are inclined to be submissive but they are too, that’s okay. If you are interested in having other partners but they’re not, that’s okay. The key in moving forward is to talk at length about what each of you want out of your evolving relationship and compromise in places that you are each comfortable with.

Maybe you can both switch, meaning taking turns being Dominant and submissive. This is actually a great exercise for about every couple because how do you really know what you want unless you try it out?

Remember the most important thing is that you started together and want to grow together, be together. Hold onto that and the rest becomes fun times.

Questions to ask:

• What turns you on about submission? Does the thought of Dominance turn you on in any way as well?
• Would you consider switching sometimes?
• What else turns you on?
• How can I be Dominant for you in a way that makes me feel like I am being true to myself?

If you’re conflicted on this whole thing: Find out the root of that confusion. We live in a society that basically prevents us from unveiling our hidden desires, even behind closed doors with our loving partner. Sometimes this takes some time to come into, to reconcile the image you had of your partner with the new one that is unveiling these hidden desires.

Ask yourself:

Are you conflicted because you are not turned on by it? Because you are turned on by it? Because you don’t understand it? Because it makes you uncomfortable to think about “hurting” somebody even when it was asked for? What kind of reading and research should I do to find resolution?

Ask your partner:

Can I have some time to process this and get back with you about how I feel?

(Be sure to actually do so though, or animosity will be created by your not addressing their needs.)

If you’re just not into it: This may be the hardest to come to terms with. If you are concerned about the future of your relationship because they are desiring submission and you have zero interest in it, well, this may not be the relationship for you. That may sound harsh, but at the end of the day we are our happiest living authentically as our real self. If your partner is desperate to submit to somebody, and you have no interest in trying or learning about it, then some serious conversations need to be taking place. The worst case would be creating a situation where your partner is tempted to go outside of the relationship to try and have their needs fulfilled.

Start having honest conversations about it. Maybe you would consider reading about opening up to an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Books like The Ethical Slut and More Than Two can help open your eyes to the idea that you can still have a loving, healthy, happy relationship with somebody who has another Dominant partner.

Questions to discuss:

• How important to you is it that you are a submissive?
• Is it something that you feel you need?
• If I didn’t want to be Dominant, would you still want a relationship with me?
• Would you consider opening the relationship up to other partners?

In the end, no matter how you feel about hearing your partner admit, “I want to be a submissive,” you have to remain true to yourself. If you are inclined to be Dominant that certainty of self will become vital as you begin to lead another (not to mention sexy as hell to your partner). If you are unsure about where to head from here, staying true to yourself along the way will ensure the future happiness of you both, whether the future holds Power Exchange together or not.

Advice to a New Submissive

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Hi Sir. and Thanks for Your blog. It seems to me that you Sir, are both a reflective and intelligent Master. I have enjoyed reading a lot of your advices, and they seem to comfort my mind a lot. I am new to slave thinking, even though I am a born slave. What is your best advise regarding a 24/7 slave/master relationship, if I have concerns in regards of safety, how the society will look at it, and also struggle with my own mindset. (Slave, sub, bottom is all "negative" words in the society) KR

ukstudentalpha:

- You should think of yourself as an aspiring slave. Slave is an evolution of submissive, and it shouldn’t be your role on Day 1 unless you’re very experienced. For example, I’m considering claiming someone as a Slave, but they’ve been in that role before and know what they want. If I were you I’d call myself a submissive and say “I’m hoping to become a slave some day”.

- Communication. Standards. Mutual respect. You need to communicate a lot. You need a Master who meets certain standards (communicates, doesn’t punish you for being an individual, respects your limits, is wonderful from your perspective). You need a Master who respects you as a person, and explores Domination over you in a way which leaves you feeling enriched as a person. Watch out for Red Flags.

- Safety should be your biggest concern. Set strong limits and take safety precautions. For example, make sure a friend knows where you are and who you’re involved with, inform your Dom that you’re expected at a certain place by a certain time, get to know them before meeting them… and the biggest one is to be VERY CAUTIOUS about tying yourself up or putting yourself in a truly vulnerable situation. 

- Society will look down on your role as a submissive, so make public displays of submission and blackmail and publishing of pictures strong limits, things you will never be okay with. Find a Master who doesn’t want to Humiliate you, rather degrade you. Degradation is a Master making you lick his load off of the floor. Humiliation is him photographing it and posting it on tumblr.

My biggest piece of advice is to be yourself and find what works for you! So many people look for some standard or normal type of D/s to conform to, but we’re rebels against societal expectation already. You can find a Master who will cuddle you, hit you, both or neither. You can find a Master who is really scrawny, since it makes you feel like a big piece of meat for his pleasure, or you can find a bigger Master since it makes you feel vulnerable and safe in equal measures. You do You. And when you’ve found the right Master, the one who hits all your spots and makes you feel like the most owned slave in the world, make sure to treat him like a God.

The Secret About Domination/submission is...

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dontcallmemistress:

mscogsworthy:

There is no secret. Friends. Really. There’s not. There’s no secret to making kinky partnerships work or to communicating with a partner or any other aspect of being two people in a consenting arrangement.

At least, there’s no secret that you don’t already know.

D/s is a relationship. That’s it. It’s a relationship, just like dating, just like living together, just like marriage. And the secret to managing relationships?

99% of the time, the key to managing a relationship is communication. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Tell your partner what you want, what you don’t want, what feels good and for God’s sake what doesn’t feel good.

I browse a lot of the BDSM advice blogs & groups, and I swear to God, almost every question could be answered with TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.

(The other 1% can be answered with LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS, but that’s another post entirely.)

There is very little in any healthy D/s relationship that can’t be handled with the application of a little patience and a lot of communication. And seriously, if you’re finding that the communication isn’t working, there are counselors and therapists out there who specialize in “non-traditional” relationships. Therapy is probably one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, and as a tool for the maintenance of self and relationships, there’s not much else I’d recommend more highly.

So yeah. That’s it. There’s the Big Secret everyone always wants to know.




Papa Tony:

Quoting myself:

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever. Kindness and Generosity. Science has proven this beyond all doubt. Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun. One does not preclude the other.

How do YOU feel when a man begs YOU to be Your slave?

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coolatmastersfeet: SIR ! Thank YOU for Your blog ! Could YOU describe, for us subs, what it feels like to make another man kneel and submit ? How do YOU feel when a man beg YOU to be Your slave ? 

Unknown Author:

I very rarely make men get on their knees and beg. It seems very… cliche? I don’t know. In my experience, subs are really bad at begging, not because they don’t want to beg, but because they don’t know what I’m looking for. They don’t have any direction in how to beg or what for. Most people aren’t on-the-fly creative, and unless you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about begging, you run out of stuff to say really, really fast.

Instead, I get a guy on his knees, or all 4s or whatever, and I’ll touch them and tell them how much I appreciate their body, or their submission, or their willingness to please me. This has a number of advantages.

First, it calms the sub down. Particularly if I’m with a new sub, they’re in a new space, with a new man, in a situation where they have to be extremely vulnerable. Men will shake and get scared. There’s so much going on in their head, and as an alpha, I have to spend time emptying their head out, so they can focus on just one thing at a time.

Second, it gives them an opportunity to listen to the language I want to hear. If I tell them what a good pup they are, how much I love their waxed cunt, how beautiful their beard is, then they know what kind of language to use. They know that I want to hear them tell me they love being my pussyboy and that their cunt is hungry. Bad interactions goes like this:

Dom: What are you?

Sub: I’m your slave, Sir

Dom: No, you’re my faggot. You’re a fucking faggot

Sub: Yes, Sir, I’m your faggot… apparently.

Dom: Who’s your Master

Sub: You’re my Master, Sir.

Dom, That’s right, faggot. Thank me for being your Master.

Sub: Thank you, Sir.

Dom: No, kiss my feet to thank me. I don’t want to see you face.

Sub: Okay. I’ll do that then……

Anyway. It gets old, having to keep correcting a sub. Why not just give them all the answers first? Work toward empowering your sub for pleasing you. Not punishing him for not succeeding at tests you didn’t prepare him for.

Third, It allows them to get close to me and feel a physical presence. So much of power exchange is physical exchange. There is an energy transfer when you’re in the presence of someone, and having the proximity to touch them and look at them and worship them freely is extremely powerful. 

Silence is powerful. There are times when I’ll have a gut in Position 1, and I’ll get down on one knee, and put my face very close to his and just look at him and touch him slowly and share his air. it’s amazing to be down with a sub, in his space, but still in control, rubbing your beard against his face and just letting your energy to connect.

If you’re an alpha the most powerful thing you can do with your sub is to connect with him. And you can’t do that with showy begging and demands and corrections and complex protocols. You have to lay the foundation of connection first, then build the protocol and behavior modification on top of that. 

A sub has to KNOW YOU in order to serve you. If you act like an emotionless wall, you become unreadable and unservable. In order to let your sub be vulnerable, you have to be a little vulnerable as well.

Kneeling and submission make me feel very powerful, but only for a moment. I know the real feelings of power are in all the small acts before and after that which make me feel truly powerful.

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

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There are many many good posts out there about safewords. What they are, types of safewords, how to use them, when to use them.

This is not one of those posts.

Because for all of the beauty of safewords, the concept has a flaw. It’s not because safewords don’t work, or they aren’t useful. They absolutely 100% are. I would never recommend playing without one, especially for people with not much experience in BDSM activities.

It’s that some people use a lack of a safeword as an excuse when they harm someone. And we aren’t talking about that enough.

A safeword when properly used in typical BDSM play is a safety valve. It’s an emergency stop feature that communicates unambiguously the intent to end a scene. Or at least, that something really big needs to change or things are going to go south. And fast. But unless you have explicitly negotiated ahead of time that a safeword is going to be your only form of communication it should never, ever, be the only method to stop a scene.

It’s like a fire alarm.

If you’re in a burning building and you see flames and you smell smoke you don’t go “Oh, well, the fire alarm didn’t go off, guess there must not be a fire!” Right? Because that would be pretty stupid, and you’d probably end up dead. Instead, you should be checking for other signs of a fire and preferably getting the hell out of that situation. A fire alarm is simply a tool to make it easier to tell something is wrong and you need to evacuate. Same thing with a safeword.

If a scene is going wrong and a bottom is flinching, avoiding eye contact, or stops reacting to stimulus at all, you should never go “Oh, well, they never used their safeword, so I guess this must be okay.” WRONG. Unless you are doing some prenegotiated no-limits, CNC type shit, ANY significant and unusual or distressing change should warrant a check-in. You don’t need to stop the scene. But you should be looking for other signs of a fire, and if you need to get out of this situation. And maybe everything is okay. But the point is you should still check in. Because at best, you’re risking loss of valuable feedback as a Dom. At worst, you’ve crossed someone’s boundaries (communicated prior or not) and are now actively harming them.

A safeword should not be an excuse for lazy, passive Dominance. Scenes should be negotiated under the hope of creating a mutually beneficial experience. Not merely just letting the Dominant do whatever the heck they want up until the submissive or bottom finally eeks out their safeword as a last resort to stop the agony. Dominants should always be attentive, mindful and focused during scenes. After all, they are literally putting that bottom at risk in both life and limb. Shouldn’t we expect more?

I think there are many factors in the community that contribute to this mindset that makes it extremely difficult to actually rely on safewords as the sole form of communication. Let’s discuss those:

1. We Put Safewords on a Pedestal: We treat safewords like the “in case of emergencies only” hatchet behind a thick pane of glass. As a culture in general, we don’t encourage liberal use of safewords. Needing to resort to a safeword is seen as shameful, and damning for both bottom and top in that scene. And so, many bottoms believe they are only allowed to use safewords when things are really really bad. Low blood sugar? Tingly toes? Allergies? Tolerance getting low? Suck it up. And by the time things get to that really really bad place, many are no longer in a mental state to even communicate at all.

2. Competitiveness: We love having submissives compete with each other. Who can take the most canes, who can do the hardest suspension, and who can stand to kneel on the rice for the longest amount of time. A submissive who is competitive and has a desire to please will often put beating “the competition” above their own physical safety so they can feel like a good sub. To do anything less is failure.

3. Fear of Disappointment and Abandonment: This is certainly not true of all subs, but many have a fear of being a disappointment or being a abandoned. This leads to a submissive not using a safeword, because having an abrupt end to the scene can leave the sub feeling like they have let their partner down. Or worse, it activates the fear that the Dominant will abandon them. This is particularly true in power exchange relationships with a high level of authority transfer but a low level of existing trust. To use a safeword is to put the existing relationship itself on the line, and risks changing the relationship to the core. Rational? Maybe not. But we certainly don’t do enough to absolve this fear or address why it exists. And fear is often powerful enough to keep people silent.

4. Altered States of Consciousness: New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this. Whether it be getting lost in a primal, little or animal headspace, sinking into subspace, or being so overcome by fear your body freezes, BDSM can bring out many unique and complicated states of mind. If a submissive is not operating a fully functional brain, let alone potentially not having access to verbal function at all, how are they going to communicate a safeword? Even when they really need to? It’s entirely possible someone in a deep in an altered state of consciousness may forget who or where they are, let alone remember they have a specific fancy word to use to get out!

5. We Don’t Practice Safewords: Let’s say you have been doing BDSM for 10 years. In all that time, you have had the fortune to never need a safeword before. Then, one night with a new partner, something goes wrong. How likely are you going to be able to evaluate correctly that you need it, or when, or even know how to say it? It’s like a fire drill. You can talk all you want about where the evacuation spot is, and what route to use, but unless you have regularly practiced using the route before, you are liable to forget it in a panic situation. Even submissives with a decade of experience can blank out and forget their safeword in a crisis.

6. Daddy Knows Best: This one is the most insidious of the bunch. For new submissives especially, they can be cowed into believing that the Dominant should have the final say and to trust them completely. Negotiated or not. This leads to unscrupulous (or just inexperienced) Dominants functionally using their relationship authority to dictate a submissive’s limits for them. It removes the submissive’s ability to fairly judge for themselves if and when they need to safeword. Or if they are allowed to. Imagine a situation where a submissive is new, and has a hard limit around canes. Then Daddy brings out the cane. By quieting the protests with a “Daddy Knows Best” and or a “Why Don’t You Trust Me?”, a Dominant can cut off a submissive from feeling safe from using their safewords. A Dominant should always be aware of the power and influence they have over a submissive’s psyche. It is very hard to say no to someone who you respect, who is older or more experienced, or who pays your bills – and a safeword is often subconsciously viewed as a “no” to that activity. Add power exchange to that on top, and you’ve got quite a mountain to climb.

…. and I am sure many many other factors too. There are so many to list.

Point being, a safeword is a tool. But a complicated one – and only as good as the people using it. Human emotions, fears, and desires all intertwine to make “simple” communication very complicated. And until we can unpack some of the baggage we have lying around about using them, safewords will never be the only way to effectively communicate in a scene. And unless you have negotiated otherwise, plain English communication and body language should always be monitored for other signs things are going wrong.

To try and hide behind “but they didn’t safeword!” as a defense when someone is harmed by a scene is weak, and shows a lack of understanding of how hard communication can be when endorphins are flying. Responsible partners look at actions and reactions, not just words.

Stay Safe,

Evie

PS) While I stick to talking about submissives having their consent violated or safeword use complicated in this post, this is only for the sake of making the text easier to follow. Dominants, tops, bottoms, slaves, Masters, switches, littles, anyone, can have their consent violated or have difficulty using safewords in scenes.

Sub or Bottom Discovery

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realpowerexchange:

from Recon News

By Team Recon member OhBilly

The night I discovered I could get into a sub head space, I said to the guy who would be the Dom, ‘I’m a proud bottom, but I’m not a sub’. Just a few hours later I’d be reviewing this earlier statement. Turns out, I’d never really experienced being one*, or considered the different ways in which you can be subordinate.

On my profile it says I’m 90% Passive, but how do you apply this? I often get messages from guys expecting me to be a sub, but I’ve never really thought of myself in that way. For me, that number represents me being a (figurative and literal) massive bottom, but for others it’s the Dom/sub spectrum. Some would think these things go hand in hand, but as most of us know, that’s not always the case.

I’d probably only ever used the term ‘power bottom’ when referring to myself in jest, but the first time I experienced being a sub I had an epiphany that maybe this had been my modus operandi all along. But let’s go back a bit first…

The day of Recon UnSensored, a guy who I’d chatted to the previous year got back in touch. Conveniently, he lived in Vauxhall, not far from where the party was. After many almost happenings, this seemed like a do or die situation, so I said I’d aim to head over to his after I was finished at the party. I could come over for a drink and an in-person conversation, but that was all as I had a train up north the next morning. He was fine with this, so I said I’d be in touch.

The party happened. The party was great. I did my work. I had some drinks. I had some fun. I checked he was still up. He was. I walked over.

[Side note: I hadn’t changed out of my foam-soaked cycle gear and jock, so my one-drink-and-gone intentions were…questionable at best].

I arrived at his, and after over a year of buildup, it was a pleasant surprise that he was even hotter in the flesh than in pictures (another blow to my early exit plans). We sat down, drank some wine and started to chat, and I mean REALLY chat. We got into it. For hours. He asked me so many questions and I was an open book. We talked about life and experiences and viewpoints and intentions - including how we both approached fetish and kink. None of this was as a preamble before play; I’d made my peace with it being more of a nice hang out. It was getting late/early and we were both probably too tired anyway. And then I mentioned I’d never truly tried much BDSM.

'Stand up. Get undressed’ he said, whilst opening a draw and reaching for a blindfold. 'Put this on’. I did I was told. I motioned to speak, and he silenced me; then I knew my place. And that was pretty much it for conversation for next few hours.

I was stood in my jock in the middle of his living room. Blindfolded and feeling strangely comfortable. I don’t always have the best body confidence but getting to know each other through our long conversation had the effect of making me feel at ease. Being blindfolded also felt oddly comforting. I stood there expectantly not fully knowing what was going on. I waited. And I stood. And a growing sense of anticipation started to build in me until I was squirming on the spot. Then he told me to be still and he started to touch.

He started gently running his fingers over my body, pausing irregularly and always moving to a different part so I couldn’t anticipate where would be next. The sensation was pleasant, if not a little ticklish. I was grinning nervously and trying to stay in the moment. As he continued, though, my nervousness subsided, and I started to become very much aware of sensation. The pauses started to feel like lifetimes and when he did eventually touch me again a charge ran through me. My body juddered and tingled as he used his hands and other objects to caress my skin.

When he started on my nipples I had a moment of worry, as they’ve always been relatively insensitive, and I feared he’d be disappointed by my response. But this guy knew what he was doing. He lavished them with attention, working them so hard and for so long that I was shocked by how good it felt.

As the play continued I started to take note more and more of my physical and mental responses. As I stood there, it took everything I had not to reach out and touch him back. I clenched my fists to keep them in place and bit my lip to stop me from kissing him when he was near. It was around then that I had my epiphany: I was used to taking charge; I was used to dictating the play. Not always, but often I was the one who led. Whether being the one to drop to my knees, the one to decide a location, the one to say where and when or the one to present, in many little ways I was often in control – a power bottom, if you will. So, having almost zero control over a situation was insanely exciting and in a weird way liberating. What was gonna happen was gonna happen, and I just had to let everything go and go along with it – it felt intense in the best possible way.

The session continued for a long time more, with him eventually leading me to his bed, all the while blindfolded. I was pretty much putty and gladly received everything he gave me (including having my ass eaten more than it’s ever been eaten before by a true master of the artform). Needless to say, I missed that morning train…

In my head, being a sub was something very different to what I experienced that night. My assumption was that it was always about humiliation and degradation, and that wasn’t something that truly appealed. What I learned was that it seems to be more about control, power and trust. It doesn’t need to be about aggression, but instead can be something intensely gentle. Through this one session I had my eyes opened to some truths I’d never realised about myself, and experienced play in a way that I never had before. I understand to some this experience would read as very minor, but for me it was a big step on my fetish/kink journey. I still don’t know if I’d ever fully identify as a sub, but it’s nice to know I have subby tendencies in me, and that I can step outside my box and enjoy other types of play.

*Well, actually, as documented in a Fetish Problems (they’re written anonymously, but if you go off writing style you can pretty much tell who’s who), I’d previously tried my hand at being a phone sub.

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Papa Tony:

What a delightful story of growth and progression. Clearly, that Dom was respectfully helping the sub to get to a whole new understanding of erotic reality, as opposed to the stereotypes out there.

Up to that point, the sub was quite naturally reacting to the narrow version of kinky play shown in porn. He can’t be blamed for that.

Porn conveys a constant “CLANG-CLANG-CLANG” of limited, one-sided information that MUST be true, since it is everywhere that you look.

The Dom was doing Holy Duty, in my opinion. He generously invested his time in educating the sub. Obviously, there was a payoff for the Dom. He got some delightful Honeymoon-level play with an eager and willing new sub.

The rest of us got to benefit, as well. One MORE happy kinkster is now among us, and he will be in no mood to settle for less. Word is spreading:

Kinky erotic play is the very best sexual and experiential kind of pleasure available, and you don’t need a single drug to “enhance” the erotic ecstasy. It’s the very peak of pleasure, when guided by a wise and experienced Dom.

Like this one. He’s so very qualified. His ability to connect with the sub on multiple levels is masterful.



Every year during San Diego Pride, the Leather Realm at the Pride Festival employs around a hundred volunteers in various shifts. Many of them are “Ambassadors.”

They answer newbie questions with a warm and welcoming perspective. They do gentle, Kinky Kindergarten-level demos. They are demythologizing how deep and trust-based intimacy works, when it works very well.

The Ambassadors are breaking down internal walls and obsolete decisions, with people who are ready to take some chances. It is noble work.