Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships

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Anonymous said: I heard someone mention Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships. Is there a difference? Or is there a difference between a Dad and a Daddy and a son and a boy?

If there are ANY differences or distinctions, it is entirely based upon the agreements and fantasies of the individuals involved.  In my own case, I have had nineteen collared boys in my life.  The relationships have been different in important ways with every one of them.

There is no formula or technical shop-manual.  We are all driven by individual desire and need.

My Years As A Daddy

Being a man with a very strong sense of self and dominance, I was a Daddy for most of my adult life.  In fact, the very first time a man called me “Daddy!” was when I was 21, and it felt right.

Really, really right.

I didn’t want to be called “Daddy Tony,” because my own father was such a terrible role-model.  I chose “Papa” as my personal scene-name and honorific, because I saw that word as  a kind, generous and affectionate term to describe myself.

 I would happily have had that name GIVEN to me in a ceremony by a crew of honored, wise elders, but by that time, they were all dead in the AIDS Holocaust.  I had to keep moving forward (as they would have wanted me to), and work toward taking their place.

What Makes Me A Daddy

Through these Daddy/boy relationships, I could practice my goal of being the good and decent man that I had never witnessed in my own family.  My boys could finally complete the incomplete relationships that they had with their own fathers, through me.

They could get the attention, praise, teaching and role-modeling that helped them get to where their hearts called them.  When they learned and grew, it caused my Daddy glands to secrete like CRAZY! 😀

Becoming A Slave-Owning Master

Why did I switch to being a slave-owning Master, so very late in life?  I certainly had no lack of slave-applicants over the decades.  I always pushed them away:

I DIDN’T WANT TO SUDDENLY SWITCH TO BEING AN ASSHOLE.

Yes, I struggled with the same stereotypes that everybody else has internalized from porn.  “Masters” always abused, degraded, scorned and treated submissives like something that they should scrape off of their shoe, right?

I’m not that guy, by choice.  I would be too GOOD at it, and for decades, I feared that part of myself.  I grew up with that sort of vile treatment, and oh, honey - I could easily be the best psychopath around.  I learned from the best.

With my wit, my perception and my keen observation skills, it wouldn’t take me more than a few minutes to discern somebody’s weak points, and to take advantage of them.  I could CRUSH anybody’s soul in a very short time.

I Chose To Go In A Different Direction

Those same observational skills work equally as well in perceiving greatness, inner beauty and innate worth.  I see the value in others, and hold the mirror up to them and say “Do you see what I see?  Do you see the gold?  You shine like a lighthouse, and I admire you.  Let me tell you what I see.  In detail.”

So, years back, I had my epiphany, and I made a public declaration at a Butchmanns Experience weekend, with everyone there acting as my dedicated witnesses:

I am a real, bona-fide Master.  I am not like others, and I am perfect this way.  No one can ever deny my validity, ever again. I am the real thing.

At that point, I shifted in my life’s journey.  In my private life, I am a slave-owning Master.  A sweet one.  In my public life, I am now a Granddaddy to tens of thousands of people worldwide.  I was a sensational Daddy.

Now, I am a Tribal Elder.  It feels right.

Really, really right.

Why I Train Tops On A Constant Basis

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

UPDATE:  I am currently too ill to directly teach classes, with no real idea when (or if) I will get better.  In the meantime, I am now mentoring online, with folks in Manitoba, Bangkok, Edinburgh, and all over the USA.

I still post the following, older article, to let folks know what has been possible.

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Papa Tony:

Several times every week, I used to create small, private, extremely social gatherings of Tops, Doms, Sirs, Misters and Masters who want to know more about being a highly-respected, experienced man of the Tribe.  Now  am too old to do this any more, but I am leaving a historical record:

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THE AGENDA FOR EVERY GATHERING:

There aren’t enough Mentors to go around.  There is a huge need.  If we leave things the way that they are, there never WILL be enough kind, wise, experienced and self-confident dominant Elders, Mentors, Leaders and Role-Models to make a noticeable difference in our Tribe.  

I’m doing my part to change that.  I'm taking the long, long view, and it’s working really, really well.

Since I started, there are MANY more couples, Leather Families and collared, deeply-satisfied submissives showing up in our Tribe.  That's my pay-off.  I grew up as a young "Sir In Training" in the 1970's, when we had a thriving, ongoing cycle of mentoring between the generations.

It has been my self-appointed duty to bring back the Tribal culture that sustained me so well.

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BACKGROUND HISTORY

Decades ago, we had plenty of dominant males who were:

- Heavy players

- Wise and experienced

- Willing to kindly share what they knew, and

- Visible and available.

Nowadays, not so much.  Those gay-male Sirs were the first and the fastest to die, back in the bad old days.  They have NOT been replaced in any visible quantities. Their loss has rippled down the years, and the wound in our cultural psyche has some more healing to do.

As a result, we have seen two younger generations of dominant males who have never known when they have graduated to their next level, because nobody with large numbers of miles on their odometer has loved them enough to say so, when it became apparent. A lot of men feel like posers, fakers and wannabes, when the truth is that they have enormous amounts of what it takes.  They have just never felt "certified".

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WHAT I DO

My job is to hold up a mirror to each man, on an extremely individual basis, and to help him to see how valuable he already is.  Yes, I help him polish his technique…  but far more importantly, I coach him on how to be the kind of man that the Tribe is looking for.  I show him success techniques, social skills, coping-mechanisms, and various tips that can help him to grow into his next level.

I teach him the difference between "force", and "strength". Being macho, 100% intense and emotionally blocked-off works GREAT.

If you're starring in a porn video.

I teach men how to live BALANCED lives, where you can let your strongest passions out, AND be tender, emotional and thoughtful as well. The pendulum has to swing freely.  There is a difference between being BOSSY, and being a natural leader.

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MALE INTIMACY

There is a lot of Male Intimacy at these training-events.  No, not sex.  Intimacy.  We join together in affectionate hugs that really bind us closer as brothers.  We cuddle in "Puppy Piles", where we relax and sprawl upon each other.  We laugh loudly, and act silly at times, while engaging in "Top Talk".

If this is NOT your style, you won't like the rest of what happens, either.  It's all part of dropping the shields, and being fully present with some great guys. We all need trusted brothers, and every event is all about brotherhood.

The bottoms that attend these events get to go through a wide variety of experiences, and are required to give solid, visible reactions on a constant basis. That way, the men in training can get useful feedback, which helps them enormously.

Every dominant that passes through this process has to progress at his own rate, and in his own time.  There are no short-cuts, but the payoff is very satisfying for all of us who are there with him during his journey.

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RULES

I'm not strict, but I do expect, at a minimum, that you will be a man of your word.  I'm not very flexible on the subject of living in integrity. Just don't be a flake, and we will get along great.

We also do NOT do drugs.  Intoxication is a serious no-no. Mental clarity is how we do things.

If things are not working out, I will give you clear, unmistakeable information that will help you get better at fitting in.  If you still can't play by our rules of courtesy, you will be told that you are not welcome any more. This has never happened so far at these events.

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THE COST

There is a cost for everything, and I'm pretty strict about this:

In return for my time, kindness and generosity, I demand that you share everything that you learn, without holding back, at every opportunity.  We need many, many more mentors, and information shared is wisdom multiplied. Set a goal of being a wise old, gray-bearded man some day, who is beloved for his wisdom that is so readily apparent and available.

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HOW TO FIND OUT MORE

If any of this sounds appealing, and if you identify as male, contact me at papatony @mac.com, and let me know if you have read through some of the materials that I have posted online.  I consider at least SOME of it to be a prerequisite for acceptance in the ongoing parade of newly-minted, certified and confident Sirs, Masters, Doms and Daddies.

This is my show.  I take full responsibility for the safety, well-being and success of the space.  I'm ridiculously easy to work with.  My keen observational skills, my empathy and my natural "Border Collie" nature make me fully-present at every moment.

Let's play, and grow, and bond closely.  Things are going GREAT.  The effects are rippling out in the world and making a huge difference.  Come be a part of it.

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REVIEWS

From David:

I whole heartedly agree with what you Wrote.. and to be quite blunt you are Right.. I have never had a Father Figure or even a Older Tribesman who has shown me the way.. I have felt Lost for  So long I cant tell you how good it feels to finally after so many years to have found a Mentor whom I look up to and look forward to learning from…

what I have noticed over the last few years (before I met you) is that I myself have taken on the role of Teacher to younger men.. Imbuing them with my knowledge and understanding of life as I have seen and experienced it.. Granted I was sexual with those men but at the same time it was a Genuine concern for them and their lives that made me want to be their Daddy.. I feel a need to HELP those who are less fortunate.. or haven't made it to where I have..  

I guess this is exactly why we have clicked as friends.. and I am very Grateful to the universe for bringing me here.. and being a part of this group of Men.

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From Frank:

My Thoughts,

I am a New Explorer to the Kink scene. My BDSM initiation was at Body Electric workshop last fall. I returned to SD seeking comrades in my own backyard.  Shortly after my return I met Papa Tony and was introduced to FMSD. One of the friendliest and welcoming groups of men I have yet to meet.

I was seeking not only play buddies, but knowledge of safe and expert use of toys. I simply expressed this to Papa Tony and then showed up. In the past few months he has become a mentor and friend.

My ill found beliefs about BDSM were dispelled at my B.E. workshop. I was concerned when I left that bubble what I would find in the ‘real’ world. I am writing this to tell you what Papa T professes (and those of you that know him know how well he does that, profess I mean….love you man!) is that BDSM is about intense connections. These connections are based on Trust and Respect. These are tenets I experienced in the bubble and am happy to report are practiced here in real live San Diego.

Yeah, he has taught me the basics of using a flogger and single tail. But his most important lesson is to make sure that those I play with can trust me and that I respect them even if they are playing a submissive role.

One last thing, (don’t want his head to get too big….either one, as he’s probably getting a big ole boner) Men are all too often recognized or rewarded for things other people think they should be doing. Here at FMSD we are doing what we want to do, being true to ourselves AND if you demonstrate that honestly and share that with your comrades respectfully Papa Tony is there to support, recognize and reward you.

Heartfelt regards Pops, Frank

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From Magnum:

I've been on/off in the San Diego leather/kink/BDSM since 2006. 

I've read numerous books and attended various workshops including Body Electric's BDSM workshop "Power, Surrender & Intimacy".

However, using the knowledge gained from those experiences combined with the artistry, mentorship and mastery of Papa Tony's guidance has allowed me to fully embrace and step into my authentic master/top/leader energies.

Other benefits I've gained from Papa Tony's mentorship & guidance:

~ trust, consistency & responsibility 

~ clarity of my mission as a Leatherman

~ self confidence & control

~ balance, intimacy, & time management with my collared submissives and my other "poly relationships".

~ intergration of archetypal energies (king, magician, warrior, lover)

~ mastery, technique and attention to detail regarding impact play (flogging, single-tail)

~s ense of belonging & connection to the greater leather/kink/BDSM community.

The investment I've made to trust Papa Tony's wisdom & training has paid off with huge dividends. 

Just ask my submissives!

With a deep bow, honor & gratitude.

Magnum