Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

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fortheloveofasub:

One of the most common questions I receive concerns how to locate suitable people with similar interests in D/s, BDSM and other adult lifestyles or kinks. Of necessity the kink communities and their participants tend to keep a low profile and not advertise openly due to public misunderstanding, distrust and disapproval. But they are out there and are far more numerous and active than you might imagine. I can almost guarantee there is some group of similarly minded people within an hour or so of your location, perhaps right in your back yard.

Meeting people face-to-face is by far the best means of learning about “the scene" (whatever scene you are into), educating yourself about the social norms expected by the community you are interested in, and actually meeting like-minded people in a safe and non-threatening environment. A discouraging number of people tend to rely solely on online interaction such as Recon for gay leathermen, FetLife, Tumblr, BDSMLR and others for their education and approach to others, with all the pitfalls associated with meeting people online.

Note for gay men: The following resources are good to visit so that you can ask what events and local groups are specifically for local gay men to meet.

Anyone truly interested in learning more about D/s, BDSM, or any of a host of other lifestyles and kinks would do well to attend meetings of local or regional adult social groups to enter a whole new world and meet people who are experienced and open to sharing what they know.

One of the most common approaches to outreach used by adult and kink related social groups is the Munch. While the origin of the term “Munch" has been lost to history it is believed that is was a conglomeration of Monthly Lunch. And for many adult social groups that is exactly what it is. A munch is often a monthly (or more frequent) gathering of like-minded kinksters at a restaurant or other venue where everyone shows up in street clothes, sits down and shares a meal and good conversation. 

It's an opportunity to meet people, share information, learn about local events, and generally begin to ingratiate yourself into a community that you would otherwise have no access to or awareness of. Munches, when well done, are not creepy uncomfortable events but rather open and welcoming fraternal gatherings.

Munches are helpful not only for their networking and education potential but they also give you an opportunity to see how that prospective Dom or sub you might have your eye on actually interacts with other people. It gives some insight into the person; how they interact in a group, how they treat peers, how they treat the wait staff, etc. It is an opportunity to scope out people in a more real world environment than a club, play party, or other more contrived atmosphere.

The personality of any social group is often a reflection of its leadership and/or members. Remember that if you are not excited about the tone or tenor of a particular group when you attend a munch or other social gathering there are plenty of other groups out there to explore. Also, be aware that as with any social group, the dynamics can change over time as the players and members do.

Lastly, don’t show up at a much and be that “creepy guy/gal.“ Munches are social gatherings for fraternal interaction and not a place for pickup lines, gawking, or bizarre questions about what someone might be into. Experienced scene participants can detect the difference between a genuinely interested newcomer and a gawking pervert or wannabe/pretendtobe Dom or sub in a heartbeat. 

Do not pretend to be something you are not. You will surely make a fool of yourself and ostracize yourself from future contact with the community. Trust me, the word gets around. Just show up, smile, hold out your hand, and be yourself. Be honest about your interests and experience level. These people are happy to help newcomers if they are approached with honesty and humility. Strutting in the room as God’s gift to submissives or prostrating yourself before the group as the ultimate slave will only turn everyone off. Just be you and show an interest and desire to learn.

So having said all that, I want to share a link to a resource for finding munches and other adult social groups and gathering that recently came to my attention. Findamunch.com is a listing of munches and adult social groups organized geographically by country and state/region. It is a very comprehensive list though it often links back to FetLife posts and sites so membership in FetLife is necessary to view much of the information concerning a particular group or event. The web site also has some valuable articles and information about adult social groups, their importance to healthy kink lifestyle communities, and how to fit in when you decide you want to give it a try.

Welcome to the Kinky Community: Here is Your Basket Of Muffins!

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I want to start by saying thank you. I'm a 48 year old straight novice Top. When I entered the local community a few months ago I sought knowledge, and guidance, so I scoured the Internet for sources and stumbled across you. I've devoured your material.  I listened to most or all of your audio recordings. Thank you for posting them and sharing all this with the rest of us.I have shared you with some people here in DFW, including some well established Doms. They have all been impressed. You see, we don't have anyone like you. In one of your audio recordings you talked about a new Top walking in wearing a Leatherman's hat that he hadn't really earned. You said let him wear it because we need more Tops, more guys with swagger.  (See also: Calling for a Ten-Year Time-Out on Olde Guarde).

I sought out guidance here and found a mentor and it was going well, but she dumped me after just a few weeks. So I reached out to others and was put in contact with a guy who was well established in the Leather community here. He told me that the Leather community was closed to noobs like me, that they were extremely selective about who they let in, after observing you in the community for a while. That is the opposite of your position, and I thank you for it.

I wholeheartedly agree that the real skills and talents of a good Dom are the soft skills. I've already seen bunches of tops who are highly skilled with their toys but show none of the skills you exhibit in your Kinky Play without Toys video. Also, I've seen nearly zero of the aftercare you showed in the second part of that video. I don't say these things to criticize anyone or my local community. I say them to show you how special you are, even to people far outside the San Diego gay leather community.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I wish there were more leaders like you.

Papa Tony:

Thank you for the blessings, brother.  Clearly, you are kind, perceptive and on the path toward greater wisdom.  How do I know that?   Because folks like you are ALL that I hear from.  Seriously.  My tone, style and philosophies cause a gong to go off in the hearts of the ones who share many of my own traits.  Then, they reach out, and my life is much, MUCH richer as a result.

The social shutdown that you describe is something that I refer to as "Fifty Shades Syndrome."  That hideous book series (and the entire mommy-porn industry that it spawned) caused local communities everywhere to hit Newbie Burnout very quickly.  SO MANY eager new faces. all of a sudden, and they all NEEDNEEDNEED so much hand-holding and mentoring.  

Folks of good will simply can't deal with so much need.  It becomes background noise.

In This Next Part, I Am Stereotyping. 

Even so, I'm still pretty confident in what I say:

Many heterosexual dominant males are arriving on the scene with advanced cases of Tumblr Porn Syndrome, expecting their fantasies to be real:  Toxic masculinity gone wild, baby!  As a result, new, usually ignorant male Doms are the lowest on the social totem pole.  They are considered to be lacking in positive value - a drain of everybody's energies.

And then, a man like YOU shows up.  YOU'RE the exact opposite of a problem.  You aren't afraid to lead with your big, beautiful heart.  You are actively seeking to be the finest representation of a Man Of The Tribe.  On your best days you are admirable, lovable, honorable and respectable.  A true mensch.

Unfortunately, through no fault of your own, you also arrive covered from head to toe in Newbie Stinkeroo, because there is no flashing neon sign over your head, saying "This one is the real thing!  Throw the gates open wide!" 

It's Not Your Fault. 

None of this has to do with you, personally.  YOU didn't fail.  It's just stereotyping, and it hurts.  The opposite of love is not hate.  It is INDIFFERENCE, when nobody cares whether you live or die.  Ouch.  For those of us with abandonment issues, being treated shabbily can be particularly harsh.  

There is a lot of exhaustion from trying to support too many newbies in the communities that I hear from.  Folks from Berlin, Edinburgh, Denver and Detroit tell me the same thing… Sometimes with tears, caused by the pain of rejection.  Please take some comfort from knowing that the problem is one that occurs everywhere.

My advice?  Don't give up and drop away.  It is my assertion that men and women like you, with bigger perceptions and a strong sense of fairness, make the BEST leaders, mentors and role-models.  

I've Noticed A Pattern

For several decades I have met many special, sensitive and evolved individuals, and taken them under my wing - someone who just needed somebody who believes in them.  After a time, I hold the metaphorical mirror up to them and say "Do you see what I see?  Do you see how wonderful you are?"  I help them to understand just how big and strong THEIR wings always were - I'm just pointing it out, because it's obvious to me.  

Then, they take their show on the road, and word gets around.  The local community becomes stronger, more peaceful, and less likely to go through damaging breakdown cycles of High Drama.  My protégés show up in photos of big, successful events, because they are running things.  I never once ASKED them to step into leadership, but always hoped that they would.

Well, I can't do mentoring one-on-one for hundreds of thousands of valuable folks in the world, no matter how much I wish that I could.  That's why I created the Kink Mentoring Archives.  I want more folks to see what is possible outside of the box.  You can be so much more than what you see around you locally.

A Dallas Story

I see that you are from Dallas-Fort Worth (DFW) in Texas.  One of my very favorite Leather Sons moved from Dallas to San Diego.  He was so traumatized by his experiences there (he got bullied a lot) that it took him a full year to attend his first public event.  I zeroed-in on him within seconds, and even through his shyness, I could see the worth and the glory of him.  My intuition was clanging like a bell.

I became his mentor, and we spent a lot of time together.  Every conversation was deep, meaningful and moved the ball forward.  After a time, he lit up like a lighthouse, so that EVERYBODY could see how wonderful he was.  He became a huge local success as a leader and role-model.  That was all him.  I make no claim to his natural talent.  I just kept pointing out how good he was.  I was his dedicated mirror.

He won an international leather title, and was widely celebrated everywhere that he went.  Then, he visited Dallas in process of being Head Judge at a local leather contest.  The folks in DFW who had cut him off in the past threw a big party in his honor, and couldn't have been nicer to him, as far as they were thinking.

Without any sense of self-reflection, they said things such as "Can you believe it?  Of ALL of the people from Dallas, HE's the one who became the big success?"

True story.

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I am retired from being a community leader, but I still mentor many folks worldwide, using apps like Skype.  Encouraging words from a reliable source mean a lot, even if we never meet face to face.

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It is part of human nature to form affinity-groups that become cliques... closed to newbies unless they somehow claw their way up the Ice-Cliff of Indifference through sheer strength of will.  That's why I have always actively welcomed the new, the shy and the unsure folks, and ignored the long-timers during big events.  Their needs have been handled.

I have never wanted to be a part of a clique.  I see every shy new face as somebody with majesty and worth, until proven otherwise.  I am open to the possibility that the tools in their toolbox might supplement the ones missing in other people's toolboxes, including mine.

That's my definition of how to build a Tribe, where everybody gets a chance to show their worth.  Ninety-nine percent of the new folks who I greet, rise up to meet my expectations.  The other one percent?  They think that I'm creepy, and they can't get away fast enough.  That's okay.  They are welcome back at any time, but only if they play nicely.

It is my assertion that any typical, self-protective clique is already heading for the tar-pits, because the folks inside become fossilized over time.  New faces, new ideas and exciting new perspectives are what keep a healthy community vibrant.  Pretty soon, the ones who started out forlorn and worried are the ones RUNNING things, and doing a great job of it.  That is, if they got the emotional support that they needed.

Leaders burn out.  They hit their natural limit eventually, and then they start skidding, breaking down and dropping away.  It is the job of EVERY leader to plan for that day, and to train their replacements in a conscious way.

I assert that you would be a superb community leader, even without knowing more about you.  I am hearing a strong sense of fairness in what you are sharing.  The Golden Rule is not being followed, dammit!  Well, that's a clear, big and valuable signal to me.

When I first stepped into my own community after a long time away (I was grieving after having lost my community to AIDS), I stepped directly into spinning blades.  I was manifestly NOT welcome.  I was seen as a loose cannon.  A threat to the local hegemony.  I must be destroyed!

After reaching out and pulling back a bloody stump enough times, I decided to create my OWN, separate affinity-group.  It wasn't a perfect solution for a while (the attacks just intensified), but I persevered.  Eventually, my Tribe became the big attraction, because it WASN'T a tiny, carefully protected clique.

We offered hugs, and those folks over there offered suspicion and judgmental responses.  MY crowd was hundreds of times bigger, we hugged a LOT, and we never suffered from breakdowns.  My theory is that this was because nobody wanted to be the one pooping in the pool.  Everybody was so happy all of the time, so nobody wanted the fun to end.

I am not saying that this would be YOUR solution, but it sure worked for me.  It's always possible to BE the change that you want to see, and I invite you to look at that possibility in yourself.  It takes courage, and stamina, but the payoff is enormous.

Please stay in touch.

Finding a Sir… A Few Tips

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From Sub One: Hi…just a new sub …shy and trying to learn. Any advice for me…I can c u are real-I will answer any question-I am very submissive-in LA. I am looking for a Master…I am bi - I like Total Power Exchange service….how should I start my search, or exploring, do you think? 

From Sub Two: This is being a little frustrating to be honest with you.. I didn’t think it would be so hard to find someone that I felt attraction to who was into what I like.I have a profile on recon.com but everyone I talk to there say they like me and they are looking for a slave/boi but when I ask to meet or exchange numbers they say they are too busy or they stop answering or they say they already have one.. but yet they are still logged in there.

Papa Tony:

Requesting such a relationship from strangers (as you have now learned) simply doesn’t work. That is because it is a deeper-than-usual relationship that you are requesting. Back in the days when I made the mistake of creating an accurate, authentic Recon personal profile, I received A HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN requests like yours in the very first 24 hours of creating the profile. I received hundreds more (from every major continent) before I pulled the plug.

As a very high-status, ridiculously visible Sir/Daddy/Master/Dominant, I recognize that there are plenty of applicants for the position of submissive, boy or slave. Hundreds of requests (with nothing other than sheer neediness behind them) simply become background noise. It’s just how the human brain works.

You will ONLY achieve the most-effective results by becoming active in your local kinky community. Go forth and let yourself be known, not just as a submissive candidate for a relationship with a Sir, but as a great guy that your new friends can recommend.

It only works if you take the time and energy to build a solid reputation in a Tribe that wants to know what you are truly like. Otherwise, you’re just one of zillions, and nobody will notice you in the crowds.

One boy got in touch with his natural, honorable role as a Boot Submissive at last night’s Men’s Discussion. It rocked his world, and he was surrounded with approval. The Tops in the crowd noticed, too.

Your attractiveness rises:

- If you’re not a flake, and ALWAYS keep your word.

- If you’re willing to contribute to the success of various events (such as by volunteering)

- If you have Boy Scout tendencies - Trustworthy, Loyal, etc.

- If you ask for help, and listen to advice. That is what we are here for.

If you DO these things, then doors will open for you, that are invisible to most people. You’ll receive extra helpings of advice and coaching. You’ll gain better friends in your life by BEING a better friend to others.

I’m currently training dozens of dominant males to take ownership of their Mastery and Sir status. They will ALL need boys, slaves, submissives, eventually.

If you are the type of guy who wants to grow and learn, and support others in their growth, then you’re the kind of submissive male that GETS THE SIR.

The ball is now in your court. Let’s see if you can take the first steps that I recommend, and then you will find that more, really useful information gets unlocked for you…

To become active in your local kinky community, requires there to actually be a local kinky community.

Try going lateral - What if there is a THRIVING community nearby, but it is not visible to you?

Many isolated gay males are find community of a sort on Fetlife. They can attend local “munches” where male and female Doms and subs mingle. You may well be the only visible gay-male there, but you will still be welcome. They may have wise advice for you that will help you on your path. Some of the best wisdom I have ever received as been from heterosexuals, lesbians and transfolk.

They might be able to steer you into better directions that lead to you achieving your goals. It’s an option.

There are also issues when those active in your local community. When it is dominated by dangerous idiots who wantonly will not take advice, who will not practice safer sex and have no regard for the basics of sane safe and consensual interactions and have injured people. I am currently trying to persuade an acquaintance that they should go to the police. However the “Spanner judgement” is a major impediment - this judgement states “any injury, no matter how transient cannot be consented to.

I agree! There has never been a time where we didn’t have crap like this happening. In the absence of kind, wise and respectable leaders, then the Law of the Jungle prevails. When that happens, then bullies get to be at the top of the heap.

In my own case, I had to create my own, separate and safe social circle. When given a better choice, the brotherly men came running, and the bullies lost all power.

How to Find Your Kinky Family

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I am very new to this community and have almost no to little experience. I am very interested in wrestling and being hazed and rough housed by masculine men. I have a big thing for receiving wedgies as well. what do you recommend for a guy like me? 
Papa Tony:

Welcome to the Tribe, brother! You are going to have a lot of fun, and have your fantasies come true.

If I were in your singlet right now, I would stretch the living HELL out of it, so, you should wear it instead. Starting again: If I were in your shoes, I would go to Mister Google and search for phrases like

Gay “Wrestling” California (since that is where I live. The quote mean “EVERY result MUST contain this word.”)

I searched for

gay “wrestling” annual events

and found this: Sin City Classic - Choose Your Sport!

Rule 34

Rule 34 is an Internet meme that states that Internet pornography exists concerning every conceivable topic.

If it were me, I would write to the folks running the Gay Wrestling Fetish Tumblr sites, and ask THEM, since that is their area of expertise. Mine is knowing how to find out.

 

Nobody asked, but here is what I looked like, thirty years ago, wearing MY singlet. I was a proud member of the San Diego Bulldogs gay wrestling team. I never lost a tournament!

Advice For Younger Submissive Gay Males

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How does one take first step to being a sub - does one seek a master first or do i need to train myself first? i am young 19 trying to get into the scene.

Papa Tony:

Thanks for reaching out, young brother.  I assume that you live near Phoenix, Arizona, based upon your Tumblr handle.  I mention this, because "Pups" and "Boys of Leather" groups can be found in major cities.  I like such groups - young men like you can safely gain useful wisdom that will be of good use to you for the rest of your life:

Arizona Pups & Handlers (A-PAH) http://www.a-pah.org
Phoenix Boys of Leather  http://phoenixboysofleather.com

I found both of those links instantly by using Google.  I searched for Arizona leather boys and Arizona leather pups.

When I was your age, there was no such thing as "Puppy Play" and things like that.  As an old man, I am the last person to be qualified to judge the Pups or Boys (never having been one), but here is my outsider observation:

Groups like these are hugely valuable for younger submissive men.  If we had a larger quantity of kindly, supportive Loving Uncles in our community (like we used to, before AIDS), we would probably not have so many "Puppy Patrol" and "Boys of Leather" groups.

Why?  Because there would be a lot more kindly, accepting and unconditional support, which younger men desperately need.  So, in the absence of external validation from older men, younger men have turned to each other for support.

Being under 21, you can't go to events located in bars.  Luckily, groups like those tend to have non-bar events as well.

You are very smart to seek more useful information.  Ignorance of the culture can be fixed, by seeking out trusted resources.

Tips For Fitting-In With a Gay Men's Group

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I’d like to ask, how is the bear community or the gay community in general in regards to how welcoming they are and friendly? My area currently isn’t very welcoming and I’ve noticed a lot of cliques when it comes to groups and whatnot. I’ve been planning on moving eventually but I’d like to go to an area with a good, friendly, gay community.

Papa Tony:

I’ve been president of many, many clubs and affinity-groups over the decades. I have a few tips for getting past the usual indifference, gaining a foothold and fitting in.

ANY affinity-group has the potential to become a clique. I hate to see that. I have found that the new guy, the shy guy, the uncertain guy has the potential to be the one who adds value, and can even take over as leader/volunteer/star of that group some day. However, if he is never given a fair chance, then that possibility goes away, and everyone loses.

It would be GREAT if every group had somebody like me - a natural-born Julie the Cruise Director type. I see a new face, and I go toward them to thank them for showing up. I even give them tips on fitting-in as soon as possible, and then I introduce them around.

Fat lot of good that does YOU, living far away. Time for Plan B.

So, here are a few ways of cracking the shell of comfortable camaraderie that can be hard for a new guy to pierce.

- Find out who is/are the ringleaders/leaders. Who comes up with the plans that everybody else helps co-create?

- Once you find out, ask them questions... What events are coming up? How do I find out more? How can I help out?  These questions show a strong interest, and they set you apart in a really good way. Here is why…

The person in charge gets jaded after a while. This is inescapable. Everybody who shows up WANTS something. Pretty soon, the endless "I need, I need" just becomes background noise. That's part of the reason why it's hard to be taken seriously as a new face in the crowd. HOWEVER, when somebody says "How can I help?!?" then heads whip around in pleasure and surprise.

Doors swing open that are closed to most new people. You move closer to being on the inside. Folks start seeing you as a fully-formed person, rather than just as one more face that fades in, and then fades out, like so many that can drop away when nobody welcomes them.

Then, you are a lot more likely to get what you are looking for.

If all else fails, go with Plan C: Keep showing UP. Never miss an event. Sooner or later, folks will start to take you seriously. Wear 'em down. It's hard to find social gatherings in Real Life that get you the hell away from your computer screen. They are worth fighting for.