Searching for a D/s partner?

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dominant-daddy:

How do I find a Daddy? A frequently asked question here on tumblr. How does one find a suitable partner? In this essay I will attempt to give some pointers, do’s and don’ts, warning signs and general help, advice and information on how one can accomplish this. For the sake of continuity and simplicity I will address a male as the Dominant and a female as the submissive. This is, of course, gender universal and for the most part will apply equally to Daddy’s/Doms/Masters/little’s/slaves, etc. except where indicated.

To begin with, let me clarify one misconception regarding searching for a D/s partner. You may have heard the phrase “it’s not much different than searching for a vanilla partner”. This is not strictly true. Why you may ask? First, the very nature of who and what you are searching for makes for a very unique search in a very narrow playing field.

Secondly, BDSM is not wide spread in mainstream society which makes the search a lot more specific. In part, this could be said for a vanilla search but one would have to be extremely lucky if they could find their dream Dom/sub at work or a chance encounter in the local Wal-Mart! After the vanilla partners have established compatibility and agreed to enter into a relationship, well… that’s pretty much the ground work accomplished. 

In the BDSM realm, when searching for a partner, that’s only the first hurdle cleared. A very important hurdle but there’s a lot more communication required before any D/s relationship can be entered into. Both partners may very well be compatible as a ‘vanilla’ couple but when D/s is introduced; it can very easily fall apart due to incompatibilities. There is a different level of trust, respect and communication. 

D/s relationships take an enormous commitment and any venture down that road should not be taken lightly. Forcing it or forcing a partner who does it only to make the other happy is not in a healthy committed relationship.

Websites such as FetLife and Collar Me are two of the most popular kink related sites one could begin a search (plus Recon.com for gay men). These are basically a social network for kinksters that offer personal profiles for members, message boards, groups, news and information of upcoming local BDSM meets or munches, etc.

Tips for actively seeking a partner online:

• Write an interesting profile in the ‘about me’ section. Include a description of yourself. State what you like/dislike and what you want/do not want from a partner.
• Members with a decent profile tend be taken more seriously with regards to seeking a relationship.
• Add your interests to the list in the ‘Fetishes’ section (below the about me). Include all your fetishes or kinks you are interested in try. (Preferences to choose from; giving, receiving or everything to do with it)
• Add photos to your profile. (At your own discretion)
• Join some of the groups that appeal to you. (use the search function)
• Search for your type of partner in your area.
• Search for munches in your area.

BDSM Munch vs Meet

A munch is a social gathering of likeminded kinksters who are interested in or involved in BDSM. Munches are meant to help, allow the chance to meet others, become more comfortable and better informed for newcomers or those that are curious to the lifestyle. They are normally informal meetings with the main purpose of socializing and fetish wear or any BDSM play is discouraged from taking place. They can also be a place to get advice or information.

Attending a Munch (Source: submissiveguide.com)

A BDSM meet or ‘play-party’ is a meeting or gathering of people interested in BDSM with the intention and purpose of engaging in BDSM activities. Fetish wear and play are highly encouraged!

Attending a play party (Source: xeromag.com)

Online safety & etiquette (Submissives)

Unfortunately, FetLife does have a minority of predators searching for their ‘prey’. Some of the most common examples of this type of behaviour to be aware of are:

Inappropriate questions or suggestive comments during initial contact or early in the conversation. Asking things such as, ‘what are you wearing’, ‘do you like [x]’ and ‘would you like to play’ are all indicative of predatory behaviour and an obvious sign of someone looking for cybersex as opposed to a serious D/s relationship.

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy should be a warning sign. Your internal ‘alarm bell’ is ringing and alerting your gut instinct. Listen to it!

Any type of question, remark, comment or unwanted behaviour should be taken as a red flag (The giveaway sign that all is not well, something doesn’t add up or is just plain wrong! If you feel threatened, hit the ignore button and move along)

Do they ask to be addressed by title? A clear sign of a so-called Dom! If you’re asked to call him Sir, etc. he obviously has no idea of what the essence of a D/s relationship is about! Move on. Titles are earned not demanded.

Eager to start a relationship. Another clear red flag. Trust takes time to establish, it can take from weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to move to that level and commit to a relationship.
Communication. Is he open and honest with you? If he is unwilling to talk or evades questions you need to take note. Listen for inconsistencies in conversations too. If he keeps changing his story you should question his intentions towards you.

Conquests. Does he boast about his previous partners or trash talk them? One day this could be you he is disrespecting!

Does he try to impress? Any so called Dominant that shouts his worth to prove how ‘dominant’ he is…probably isn’t. Self-praise and self-admiration are clear indicators of a self-proclaimed Dom.

Ignore.

Are your best interests HIS intentions? Does he push you to be the best you can be or just push you in a manipulative manner? Remember there’s a fine line between dominance and domineering.

Do they appear to be available when you want to talk? Does he make time to spend with you? Sadly there are married men who are stuck in a vanilla marriage who use this lifestyle as an outlet to fulfil their kinky side. Intentional or not, they think it’s an easy way for them to get laid and feed their urges not realizing how damaging it can be for the other parties who get hurt. Namely you and his wife!

Red flags Dominants should be aware of:

The first contact can be a tell-tale sign of how serious your potential submissive is in wanting to get to know you. Is the message polite and courteous or does it simply say, “I want you to f**k me, Daddy!”

Are you addressed by title? A ‘genuine’ submissive would never address you by title unless they have consented to be your submissive.

If a potential partner willingly wants to be dominated by you on first contact. Red flag. Keep searching.

As with the previous list, if a potential partner is asking inappropriate questions, etc. You should question where their interests are focused.

Submission is earned. If it’s freely offered without any discussion or conversation to be your partner. That would be another red flag!

Do they want to be your ‘baby girl’ because you’re a Daddy or because they genuinely want a relationship with you?

Are communications centred around your partners expectations or the relationship? If it all about ‘them’ I would question their motives.

Are communications realistic? The novice may offer themselves with claims they are a better choice of submissive as they state “you can do what you want with me”. EVERYONE has limits!

 
Is the potential partner open in conversation and willing to share information? If attention and affection are top priority before the relationship has been discussed this is red flag indicator.

Another source one could use is right here on tumblr. There are a vast number of available Dominants and submissives searching or seeking a partner. Introduce yourself! A simple hello could be the start of something special (Which is how I met baby girl).

So you’ve read their profile or about me and messaged a potential partner, or received a message, and you’re interested in getting to know more about them. What happens next? First, do not push yourself on them or start getting sexual or you’ll appear desperate and potentially fake. You also may not be taken seriously. Remember a D/s relationship is a relationship first and the foundations need to be laid down before the relationship is entered into. Tell them a little about yourself. Not your kink or submissive/dominant side, just about you. There’s no reason for it to be a one sided conversation, don’t be the one who does the majority of the talking. It takes two to have a conversation. When you’re comfortable enough you may want to take communications to the next level. Whether that’s via IM or Skype, that’s entirely your call.

When to meet your partner? When you’re comfortable and feel confident to meet. There is no defining moment or set time limit. I’d recommend meeting in a public place such as a coffee shop (I would avoid bars/alcohol). Ladies should preferably have a friend close by or even inside the arranged place where you intend to meet. If that’s not possible, have someone you can contact at regular intervals? Keep your own safety in mind at all times. Being in a public place should force the conversation to non-sexual chat (hopefully) and this will also give you the opportunity to see the type of person they really are. (Some people can appear differently online to how they are IRL).

Use your instincts and go with your ‘gut’ feeling. If something doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t. However if your instincts are screaming it’s the right thing to do…..

This is not a definitive guide. This is for advice, help and information purposes only. Take from this what you will. As always this is gender universal. Written with the BDSM mantra in mind SSC safe sane consensual.

Essay 2014 © dominant-daddy & thekinky-littlemermaid

How to Find a Partner

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Jack Rinella:

We used to live on Shaker Road, the main thoroughfare between Albany, NY, and its airport. It was only a two lane highway but dangerous enough that I wasn't allowed to cross it by myself. Sometime past my eleventh birthday my mother gave me permission to cross the street alone. Thus opened a whole new vista to explore.

I remember running across the street and up this six or seven foot embankment into unknown territory. I wandered through a young forest, across wide fields and eventually into a small ravine. As a matter of fact there were many gullies over there, each containing a small streamlet.

Turning over a rock in one of those little creeks might reveal a salamander. The more rocks you turned, the more salamanders you could catch. Oh, lots of rocks were barren of life-forms. Many salamanders were too small to keep. Some got away. Some rocks were too heavy to lift. In any case, every once in a while my cruising for a pet salamander paid off. I made my trips across the street a regular part of my summertime week, bringing a jar with me because I knew I would be coming home with salamanders.

I've told that story hundreds of times to make the simple point that you've got to play the numbers. A wide search will uncover more prospects than a narrow one. Many trials will reveal more discoveries than fewer. It's all part of a salesman's logic: The more prospects you contact the more customers you make.

So it is with finding a partner. The lonely hearts among you who dream of a relationship need only to do less dreaming and more prospecting.

During a phone call from a slave-applicant yesterday, I was told that "the bars in San Francisco" are a terrible place to find a Master. That's why the guy, who lives in SF, was flying to Washington, D.C. to meet his newest prospective Master. That information, of course, launched me into my usual sermon about there "not being any Masters in LA." Of course there are Masters in SF, LA, NY, and everywhere in between. They may be as hard to find as salamanders under rocks, but they are there.

I won't say you won't find a Master under a rock, but I would suggest you try other reasonable locations as well. Try lots of them: bars, clubs, baths, the Internet, chat lines and rooms, classified ads, workshops, contests, conventions, runs, bulletin boards. Ask friends, strangers, bartenders, and authors, writers, and columnists. The operative word here is "Ask."

My mother would interject all sorts of cliches at this point. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," she always says. "The squeaky wheel gets the most grease. Two heads are better than one. Don't leave a stone unturned." The other person worth quoting said, "You have not because you ask not."

Be consistent in your approach. If you look sporadically, you'll have less chance of attaining your objective than if you maintain a regular schedule. Search the classifieds, for instance, every week, not just once in a great while. Don't just look at their ads, place your own.

I suspect that the greatest difficulty in finding a partner is getting over one's present inertia. If you are the stay-at-home type you're going to come up with millions of reasons not to become pro-active in a search for a partner.

That is perfectly acceptable. There is nothing wrong with solitude. If your present lifestyle is good enough for you, it's good enough for you. On the other hand, if there is this sense of loneliness, emptiness, or disconnectedness in your life, only you can do something to change it.

I could have spent years looking for salamanders in my front yard. There would never have been any there to find. Only by venturing into "uncharted territory" could I create the opportunity I needed to get what I wanted.

The search, of course, is often fun in itself, but more importantly, it holds two crucial components that lead to success.

The first is that searching helps to refine one's concept of one's objective. That means that the more you look, the better you will know for what you are looking. Let's take a common example. Steve thinks he wants a Master. The more Masters he meets the more he will know exactly what kind of Master he really wants. The process of discovery is very much a process of elimination. You know Edison's remark about his 1,000 failed light bulb experiments. They taught him 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb! Those "failed" lessons led to his eventual success.

So it is with finding partners. Sure you're going to meet a lot of really nice men and women who are perfectly unsuited for you. Each unsatisfactory encounter is going to give you important information that will lead you to your goal. More than simply help you to define your objective, the search will present you with invaluable opportunities to know yourself.

There are plenty of Masters in LA. The bars of SF are great places to successfully cruise. Those who think differently are those who fail to know themselves.

Finding your Dominant

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Unknown Author:

So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or submissive, or at least that you are interested enough in either of these that you want to explore the possibilities they offer further. The question is, how do you find someone, either dominant or submissive with whom to explore them, without jeopardizing your safety or discretion?

In this wired world, many people get their first introduction into BDSM online. While chat rooms are a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle, only rarely do such online connections lead to successful, long lasting real relationships. In fact, when it comes to finding a real life partner online relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help. Why? Because once you are involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather than on finding a real life partner. Time and time again I have people tell me about this wonderful long distance relationship they have, and time and time again those relationships fall apart. Relationships need contact, they need smiles and hugs and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things they are almost bound to fail.

In this Master's opinion, people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the practicalities of a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be with a partner they hardly know and b) making the relationship work once they get there. I know some people do manage it, but the fact is chat roomrelationships rarely turn into successful real life ones. If you're serious about finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex. I personally know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationshipand when she and her prospective Master finally met, they lasted less than a week. A year is an awful amount of time to waste.

A better way to find that perfect Dominant or submissive, is to hook into the local 'scene' (there's bound to be one) and to attend various club events, play parties, munches and so forth. However, before you dash off to look up BDSMClubs in the yellow pages, be aware that many of the folk who attend such events are pretty much 'out there' as far as their sexual proclivities are concerned, and consequently their sense of discretion may not be what you would hope it to be. If you're not reasonably comfortable with being asked "who were those leather clad weirdo's I saw you with Saturday?" you're better off giving them a wide berth.

To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise on line. Effective that is, if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution, and just a little common sense. On line services like these are discrete and reliable, allow you to be very specific about what you want and are cost effective, but (there's always a but right?) to make the most of them you do have to use them properly.

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Step 1 - Prepare

You need to determine for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you are looking for in a partner. I know this can be difficult if you're totally new to the lifestyle, but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you really looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination and put yourself into a 'virtual' Dominant submissive relationship. What is the relationship like? How does your partner treat you? What are the relationships governing rules? What happens when the rules are broken? Spend some time thinking about these questions and build a picture in your mind of the relationship that you want. When the picture is reasonably clear, write it down.

Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for, you can start to prepare yourself for it. You may want to read some of the articles on this and other sites and look at some of the lifestyle books,such as Different Loving by Gloria Brame).that are so readily available.

As a rule of thumb Dominants can best prepare by understanding as best they can what makes a submissive tick and submissives can best prepare by learning the attitude and some of the skills a typical Master or Dominant may demand of them.

By the way - you may feel that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and takes some of the romance out of it, but I beg to differ. Our upbringing and day-to-day vanilla experiences go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla relationship - so why should a dominant submissive relationship be any different?

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Step 2 - Advertise

Take care in creating your advertisement (also known as a profile) - it's worth spending a bit of time on it and getting right, and a well crafted ad that's free of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors is much more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest. Don't make the mistake of overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.

For gay kinky men: Recon.com

For everybody else:  FetLife.com

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Step 3 - Taking it further

Okay, so your profile is complete and you just have to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's ads - submissives in particular seem to feel that they ought not 'make the first move', but if the Dominants didn't want replies they wouldn't have placed the ad in the first place. Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to ads as well as waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with the right person.

(A note for submisives - it's not uncommon for personals sites to allow free female members to reply to ads but not to allow free male advertisers to do so - all the more reason for you to reply to ads, and all the more reason for the men to stump up with the cash to become a paid up member.)

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A few Do's and Don'ts:

DO:

• Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself
• Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like
• Be polite and avoid crudity
• Take your time to get the reply right
• Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on hotmail.com specifically for the purpose)

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DON'T

• Include your phone number or anything that might identify you
• Be tempted to respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time
• Be impolite
• Overstate your interests or experience
• Reply to ads that clearly don't fit your requirements, or where you don't fit theirs
• Reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.

Once you start getting replies, it's important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it's just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you're asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you've asked is downright rude.

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Step 4 - Meeting

So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to you ad, responded to one or two and you think you've found 'the one'. What next? Well that's really up to you, but I suggest a number of emails back and forth about what each of you are looking for, followed by some very long 'getting to know you' phone calls. Don't be in too much of a hurry - if they really are 'the one', they'll wait. Just before I go though, a few points about first time meeting safety - particularly for the ladies:

Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.

Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.

Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.

Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know them well.

Take a cell phone with you.

Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out.

Finally good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner and it all works out well for you.

How Should a sub Approach a Prospective Dom?

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I am an eager sub closely watching and trying to emulate your idea of servitude. Regards to you and RESPECTS to your MASTER. how should a sub approach a Dom in recon and sites, in leather bars. Also, please talk about posture training.
slavecuntboi:

Those are big questions so i will try to answer them the best i can:

Approaching a Dom online, on Recon or elsewhere takes some preparation.  i believe it is just like meeting face-to-face – the first impression counts.

Firstly, i think it’s important to make sure that your own profile really represents what you are, your experience and what you are looking for. Be clear you are a sub, not a slave, how passive e.g. 90/10, how many years experience, what BDSM activities you have done, what you are looking for,  new training you are keen to have, what kind of Dom you believe you can best submit to e.g. controlling or rough or sadistic etc,

Secondly, think about what your photos are saying about you. Are they good quality, are they recent, are they showing you as a submissive, are they emphasising the BDSM activities you are good at and will enjoy giving to a Dom?

Think about what the Dom will think when looking at your profile. Make sure your limits are clear and keep your profile real.  This is not fantasy, you want the Dom to be confident He is getting the real thing.

Once you have got your profile ready, then you can contact the Dom you are interested in.

Read the Dom’s profile. Then re-read it, carefully. Check all His pictures. Be sure that this is the Dom you want to submit to. Then send a polite message addressing Him correctly. Call Him Sir/SIR in the first message unless you can tell from the profile that He prefers to be addressed differently. Once you get a reply, always check how He wishes to be addressed e.g. Sir/Master/Boss/Alpha. Always use uppercase for Him and lowercase for you e.g. “i”.  This shows you are respectful and submissive.

In your first message, keep it simple and to the point. It is good to ask if He might be interested in using you sometime or training you in something you know He is experienced in. Express how keen you are on His profile and how much you want to submit or be used by Him.  Keep it short and sexually attractive. You can message more later once He shows interest.

After that, if He is interested, try to set up a meeting as soon as possible to get to know the Dom in a real session, rather than endless messages online.

This is just this humble slave’s opinion but i hope you find useful boy.

Approaching a Dom in a bar or club.  Is different from online as you there are only clues about what the Dom is into. The big plus is that you know you are physically attracted to this Man, no pics required!

Before you approach a Dom face-to-face make sure you look like a sub. So, don’t wear an armband on the left or a Muir cap for example, as these are symbols of Dominance.

Look at what He is wearing – is He using hanky code colours on an arm-band for example – Grey: Bondage, Black: SM, Blue: Fucking, Yellow: Watersports, etc. Is he carrying a flogger, paddle, cane, rope, etc.  This gives you some idea of His main interests, so make sure that they fit with yours before approaching Him.

Then simply wait for a moment when He is not busy and approach Him. Drop to your knees, hands behind your back, body and head straight-up. Greet Him respectfully, complement Him and introduce yourself. For example, “Hello Sir, permission to speak to You Sir?… i think You look hot in Your leather Sir…i am a bondage/pain/piss sub, i wondered if You would like to use me sometime, Sir?”  When you look up, use your eyes, but try to keep your head slightly bowed. Some Doms like direct eye contact, some don’t allow it unless they give permission. But you will normally find out once a session starts.

I hope that answers your basic question and helps you get started.

Good luck with your submission, boy, and thank you for asking an interesting question!

slave cuntboi

Finding a Master

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I am a young submissive who is currently a student. I've been on Tumblr looking at blogs such as yours for a few years now but I finally feel ready to commit and enter a proper Master/fag relationship. Im just not sure how to find the right man. I'm sure you get messages like this all the time, and if you respond to mine, I'll be very grateful. I know where to start, just not how to continue...

Alexander Martin:

Hi there sub! Thinking it through is a good approach to any relationship. I also want to start off with an apology for the delay. I wrote this post a dozen times trying to not repeat myself and make sure I answered what you were asking. But I think I have the best version of this answer so here goes!

I’m going to start by linking three articles I’ve already written on the topic. I don’t intend to tread over old ground in the rest of the article so you’ll want to read them as a supplement to this.

What to look for in a Sir

What I look for in a submissive

How to find a Sir

What I’d rather spend my time writing about here, is how to figure out what it is you need from a power exchange relationship. I need you to start by understanding that “Master/fag” is a single version of the possible power exchange dynamics out there. I’m uncertain if it’s simply what you’re most familiar with or if that’s what you’ve decided you need. Tumblr tends to fixate on Master/fag dynamics a lot in the collective horny consciousness.

The articles I wrote can help you come to grips with what your needs are out of BDSM but the best thing to do is get out there and try. Serve many different masters if that’s possible in your area. There’s no need to dive head first into a BDSM relationship before you’ve had a chance to learn more. The best thing about serving a few different doms is that you’ll see things that you like about how they conduct themselves and things you don’t like and that’s what’s going to inform your selection of a suitable partner. Almost every technique I’ve learned I learned from exposure to other subs and doms.

When you do start serving a master, remember that even with someone you’ve served for a year or more you can still have limits. If you don’t want to give up control of your finances for example, that’s perfectly fine. Dominants will always seek to see what power they can hold with you next. It is our job to push a little bit the boundaries that we have to help you grow as a submissive. Expect that, but know trust yourself if you need to push back on a dominant’s pressure.

When you do get with a dominant that you like, be sure to institute a time to come together and set roles aside and talk about the relationship and the power dynamic. Make sure to institute rules that forbid punishment for what’s discussed during such times. I found the most helpful thing I ever did with my boy was to write a contract. No, the contract isn’t legally binding, it wasn’t meant to be. Its purpose was to make certain that we clearly defined our needs to ourselves and each other and had something written about our expectations. We’ve updated it every year we’ve been together.

Sometimes doms and subs grow apart too. A submissive may find a new kink that he truly embraces and his dominant is not able or willing to fully service. Dominants and submissives sometimes move away from the scene for a variety of reasons and you could find yourself with an ex-dominant or a dominant turned submissive. Kink is an incredibly complicated expression of human sexuality. Don’t fear change. When it feels like it might be time to part ways, do. Remain amicable and wish him well.

Lastly, never forget that as the submissive you always have the power of no. Do not let a dominant seize power over you too quickly. Serve a man because he is worthy of your service and he inspires it in you. Never because you fear him and/or he demands it. Learn the difference between domination and abuse, the line is very bold.

I’m so excited for you. You have a whole submissive life ahead of you you’re choosing to embrace to better express yourself as a person. That’s going to be a wonderful journey. Thank you so much for asking for some wisdom to get started. Be the boy your Sir always needed. Best of luck.

Where do i find a good daddy that can really treat me like the boy I am?

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Anonymous asked:  Where do i find a good daddy that can really treat me like the boy I am?

Daddy Cade:

Please Note:

There won’t be a ‘too long, didn’t read’ here anymore. My time and my words are my gift to you. I craft them with the intention of helping you in one way or another and no answer is truly trivial. I made the choice to try with each of them and that means there’s something of value there. Hidden perhaps, tucked off to the side because discovering it is the real ‘help’ offered, but it’s there. If you want your answer you’re going to have to walk with me for a time and put in the work.

If you have read any of my essays you know my stance on trying and the value I place in you as a person. If you have not then open my archive and select text or ask and spend a day learning the lessons. There are years worth of lessons, secrets and most of all hope within the archive. Consume it while it exists. Each breath is borrowed from here forward, so make the best use of them.

The number one thing asked of Daddy blogs: Survey Says….

“Where do I find this??”

If that was an answerable question, I would be a remarkably wealthy man indeed. No, actually, I wouldn’t. I don’t believe happiness should be bartered for fiat currencies or leveraged against your self-esteem. I’d be doing exactly what I do, most likely, instead of emotional profiteering.

Sadly I have nothing more to offer you than what I already do: a way to reach your goal but to know where to put the X on your map. I can do precious little to help you beyond share you the history of people who have tried, fail and win, and what helped them along the way.

Amid my responses to questions is the same answer and the same offering. The key to finding the ‘him’ you seek is to be the best ‘you’ that you can be and to never surrender hope. What comes is seldom what you envision, your expectations poison the potential the universe will present to you just as much as your idea of what you offer does.

So many write asking for the tools to get what they want only to find my answer truly is: Then you must do the Work. There is no magical phrase to open the gates to this world. We are a rare, rare, breed amid a population of rare people so wondering why you cannot find them is a bit pointless. You can’t just walk to the store and buy happiness and finding this kind of relationship. Those centered on sex aren’t my focus here because you can pick up a phone and swipe your way to sating that need.

We, as men of one flavor or another, are not given true mentorship anymore. We are not granted the guidance of a lineage and history and, for the most part, seem to fumble our way in the dark on even things about our own bodies. Bearing in mind the absurd idea that being masculine means not having ‘feels’ that can be seen, we’re not even really taught about how the plumbing works or what to do when things go wrong.

In light of that, is it ANY wonder why there’s so much loneliness in our world?

Think of it by the numbers. Based on well inaccurate, but simple to visualize, statistics we break down like this:

A ‘gay’ person is approximately 1 in a group of ten. Ten in a hundred, a hundred in a thousand, so on. 10%. Take that image and center your mind on that group.

The same basic math seems to apply (in my experience) with the same variations only it’s more stark when you begin filtering by ‘fetish’. You can look at tumblr and porn for your percentages there because representation is also indication in this case. Instead of one in ten, you find us now at one in perhaps a hundred and that’s before you begin separating us into subgroups of which there are plenty.

Pretty bleak no? It begins to feel pointless, hopeless even, to try so..why do I seek to offer hope and direction when the numbers paint a picture like that? Believe me, I’ve asked myself the REAL question these ‘asks’ are looking for the answer to:

“Is it worth it to try?”

That’s why lies beneath asking me ‘how do I find a partner (insert flavor here)’. You aren’t just asking me what app to use to swipe your way to ever after, you’re asking me if you should bother at all. You’re seeking an answer from a stranger, as an ‘unbiased’ opinion and unfortunately for you, you’ve stumbled upon me because I’m the kind of person who won’t just say ‘yeah, sure’… I’m the kind of person that will sit with you, talk with you, walk with you until I am sure you no longer look back to see if I’m still there, and then plant my boot squarely in your ass to get you moving.

How’s that for a ‘sudden turn’ in a conversation? The more important question is, did it do it’s job and shock for a moment and bring your somnambulant gaze to heel and focus on what’s happening right here and right now? I hope the answer there is yes, because now we get to work. The time for ‘forehead kisses’ is past because what comes next is truth and it’s never tailored to your tastes.

Is it worth it to try to be happy?

Are you really so convinced of the absence of your worth that this thought ever crossed your mind? Perhaps there is the difference between umbra and penumbra, of being sad and truly enduring depression. For most of the world, your eyes are still partially open and dimmed shadow is what fills your vision but for those who have traveled fully in the darkness of sunless worlds.. we know what value any light has.

“life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness”. Not the guarantee, just the damned chance to stand up and REACH for it.. that is not happiness, even in seeking such, what it truly is can only be the pursuit of HOPE. Ask me now, what value hope as we stand here in the wreckage of the world we’d called our own, buried to our chests in the remains of our community and I will point you to where we are at this very moment: Still Here.

What value is there in trying to hope, to find happiness, or to shine our light at all? Surely your ego is not so great as to fully blind you to what you are doing by writing, to whom you are asking, and to everything that is happening now. That’s like walking into a burning building and asking why the water isn’t running cold from the taps. We’re here, now, because of hope. You can ask your question because of my refusal to surrender and let them win. WE can do THIS because I judge it worth it to try to helpyou.

What you must do now is learn to embrace ‘trying’.

It drives me a little mad how ‘success focused’ things have become. Success is the poorest teacher and does little to refine capacity. I do, what I do, because I failed a lot along the way. Broken hearts, darker days still than can be spoken of without ‘trigger’ warnings, and losses beyond comprehension for anyone not standing where I stood.

These were my mentors, these the ‘masters’ whom I studied carefully and methodically, so that I could prevent (or at least diminish) their hold on the future. I have ‘wisdom’ to give because I embraced those lessons a firm dedication to the ideal that it is not success nor failure that defines the value of a journey: it is that you never stop trying.

Win, lose, it doesn’t matter. Every time you get back up, the next time is a little easier even if you are hit harder than ever before. You don’t see the progress you’ve made, the strength you gain, when you make trying your way. All this said:

Reality is not bound by ‘numbers’ or assertions of probability.

I live in a place far removed from the ‘world’ by my own choosing. I knew full well that the ‘odds’ were not in my favor of finding anything at all and yet here I am, 14 years later (next month) with my partner. Literally: if I can do it, if I can find love through all the struggles I have had and living where I live, there is equal hope for anyone anywhere even when it seems ‘impossible’.

This is why I say to never surrender hope. I am proof that the journey is worthwhile and that by holding course by the light of that little star on the horizon you may yet find somewhere worth being. It wont’ be where you imagined, but it may find a way to be better than you can conceive of right now. I never thought I would be here, doing this, with you either yet that’s exactly what happened because I refused to let go of hope.

Yes, there is reason to believe you may yet find what you seek. No there’s no shortcut to it. Any ‘easy path’ to this leads to further sadness and a belief that because of pattern all that remains is failure. This is false doctrine and should be set on fire and left in the past so that by the light of its immolation you can find your path again.

Do not give up on hope. Never stop trying. Never, ever, let your past or current situation blind you to the potential of the future. There is more to be seen than you’ve dreamed, so while I cannot give you the passphrase to open the door, I can show you where to begin that someday you may reach it. No promises can exist beyond this:

The only thing that matters, in the end, is the journey from where you begin to where your life becomes story someone else will tell in memorial to the efforts you made along the way. Not every story leads to ‘ever after’ because ever after is the lie fairy tales would have you believe. Every day after reaching where ever after should begin is another story to write. Choose, now, to make those tales about hope and you may reach the distant shores of a place I have come to call “Home”.

My best, as always, go with you on your way forward.

-Daddy Cade.

What to look for in a Sir

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

Like a lot of what I write, I thought that this might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I hope it can also serve to help readers think about exactly what it is they’re looking for. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.

I am in no way judging ANYONE for not having any of these traits.

When you’re looking for a partner of any kind, it is vital to know what traits are REQUIRED and what traits would be nice to have. Knowing in advance this information allows you to sort through dominants more quickly and with less heart(ass)-ache afterwards. You’ll learn and develop that list as you date and fuck your way through kinksters. Remember, everyone (boys and Sirs) talk so don’t do anything that is unbecoming behavior.

- Knowledge: Your dominant should have knowledge about how to carry out his favorite kinks and safely. Looking for a caning? Then your dominant should probably know not to strike in line with your spine. Everyone starts somewhere! If he has no experience, readings could be a useful insight and provide some of the information he needs to know. That’s why you’re reading this entry! See if he’s done any reading or research on either his kink or dominance in general.

- Experience: This particular point varies in importance. If you want a bare handed spanking? There’s only so much damage he can do to your ass that way. If you’re graduating to caning you want to assess how much experience he has. Experience matters with play so ultimately you don’t end up hurt. Experience also leads to a more enjoyable experience as someone who knows what they’re doing is better able to do will create an experience deliberately, and there will be less stumbling during the scene.

- Confidence: As I already said, everyone starts somewhere! Yet, a dominant who is confident in who he is, what he’s doing, and how he wants to do it is not only sexy… it helps ensure you’ll actually find someone waiting for you when you arrive to play. The main reason I am a proponent of confidence, is because I’ve found that behaving confidently, (even when I stumble) helps preserve the headspace in the scene and covers for stumbles. So even if your dominant is new and makes mistakes, confidence will smooth out the experience.

- Listens: This should be VITAL to everyone reading this post. If you’re going to give your submission to a Sir, he should be clearly indicating he takes that trust seriously. Having to repeat yourself multiple times, re-clarify points, or instances where proves he didn’t understand what you said are all worrying. How can you relax and invest trust in someone who isn’t listening to your needs.

- Limits: A dominant that knows his limits, and actively asks after yours should be treasured. I fully understand the idea of “I have no limits as a sign of my submission”, but with respect I feel that’s either fantasy, or best saved for someone you have known for years and have a strong relationship with. A dominant who avoids talking about limits and seems generally dismissive of the topic is not someone I would advise meeting up with.

- After care: This one again varies in importance based on what you’re going to do. If you have an interest in impact play (paddles, canes, whips, crops) I would suggest asking how a dominant feels about aftercare. A new dominant could potentially take you to a level where you need aftercare for the first time (if you never have before) and knowing that he’ll be there to give you the care you need for at least a few minutes if you want it is important. A quick side note, some submissives who experience sub drop (an endorphin drop caused by the cessation of play which can cause a variety of altered mood states) do want to be left the FUCK alone. If you know that’s you, tell a Dom first. If you learn that’s you please explain it’s due to sub drop.

- Honest: Complete honesty is unnecessary, but if someone is telling you stories that don’t entirely make sense and they lack an explanation tying it all together? That’s a red flag. It too often leads to disappointment and misrepresentation to bother with.

- Personality: No, it’s not whether a dominant has one. Don’t be a smartass. You should consider and be able to explain the kind of dominant you’re looking for in terms of personality. Are you looking for an average guy with a dominant streak in the bedroom? Are you looking for a Sadist like @kinkythingsilike ? Do you want a good ole boy who bullies you like @domnator2? Do you want a guy who is charming, but slowly inexorably moves you towards what he wants (like James Bond)? Do you want a Brat Tamer? Do you want a pup master? Knowing the kind of personality that turns you on and being able to articulate it helps the dominant have an idea what kind of scene and feel would make you most submissive and have the most fun. It also helps a lot because you can at least inform dominants who contact you but aren’t your type that it’s simply a matter of personality conflict. It’s always useful for Doms to know why we didn’t make the cut.

What I look for in a submissive

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

I write this because most of my own experience looking for subs has been honestly rather fraught. That said there have been some qualities that have always stood out to me when I run across them. None of this should be taken as a personal judgment or denouncement against anyone who does not display one or more qualities. But by the same token, maybe knowing what it is I look for will help subs in either understanding the alpha mind or in

- Hobbies: This may seem like an odd one, but I have had some really enjoyable play sessions with submissives that had hobbies related to kink. One really enjoyed cleaning leather, one made his own rope for fun and gave it to friends, and another was a cook who enjoyed making food into displays of kink (black olive hand cuffs and blindfolds on veggie men). Ultimately, sex can’t be the only thing you have in common with a sub if you want much more than a hook up. Even friendships need some points in common.

- Mindset: This is probably my biggest indicator of whether I want to play with a boy. The mindset I want to see is that a boy is largely focused on his would be Alpha. As a submissive when you give up control to me, I play with you. Your needs will be met by you merely showing up, worry not.

- Language: I tend to get concerned or suspicious when people ask “what would you do to me?” or “I wish you’d paddle my ass.” I get suspicious because the first phrase sounds like you want to jack off to what I write, which is what I made Alexander Martin for. Submissives that use the word “wish” have, in my experience, infrequently actually put any effort into meeting up. “How do you like to be served?”; “What is a session with you like?”; and “What are your favorite kinks to play around with?” are much better questions because they’re engaging the person they’re speaking to and the answers would likely inform whether or not the two of you are a match.

- Assertiveness: This may seem like a strange thing to look for in a submissive but ultimately, I want to know that you will speak up when something is wrong. I want to know that if I hit too hard or use the wrong title. If my submissive is assertive enough to speak up when something is wrong, then I can feel freer to be myself because I know you’re doing your part.

- Experience: At this point in my kink life I’m more interested in experienced players but I do still take on newcomers (bredbeta is a case in point). I would advise that anyone looking for a Sir should ask a Sir they approach whether or not he takes on newcomers. I have met some other kinksters who don’t play with newbies. They’re ready for more advanced play and it’s nothing personal.

- Body: I want to play with someone I’m physically attracted to. If you can’t tell whether someone is physically attracted to you just ask, no sense in wasting time

- Kinks in common: When I’m looking to play, I usually am in the mood for something, to breed, to cane, or to restrain for example. I’m flexible when I’m looking. No one needs to have every kink I’m into. I bring this up because so frequently submissives assume I will not be into them because they aren’t into every kink on my profile.

- A boy who knows his limits: I find it off putting to not know a boy’s limits. Some guys say they don’t have any limits at all. I find that a bit reckless and definitely unhelpful. I want to respect a boy’s body and mental space as much as he needs me to and I don’t want to step on any land mines if I call him a bitch and he gets angry as a result. If you truly feel you have no limits regarding how a dominate may use you, define them super broadly like: “no women or children”. One area that is commonly overlooked these days is whether or not barebacking is for you. Be sure to state your preference up front and whether that preference is a deal breaker. You’ll be surprised how much time it saves you.

Grooming and Presentation for a Sir

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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---

Alexander Martin:

This felt like a natural extension to “How to find a Sir” and “What to look for in a Sir”. I’m specifically writing this for boys who seek a relationship with a Sir with whom to have a power exchange relationship, and seek to make the best first impression possible.

Any of this may come across sounding like common sense, but everything I mention below is work you already do then you’re ahead of the pack boy. Even if you do these things in preparation to meet a Sir, it can still act as a checklist to provide peace of mind.

It’s also worth mentioning that you should know what kind of appearance you don’t want to have. There are minor issues like having a shaved ass or a hairy ass that you might not mind doing for someone you serve, but if your look is the boy next door and he wants you to become a mohawk wearing punk… he’s probably not for you. Without further ado…

- Grooming:

- Beard: Beards should be trimmed to the contours of your face. Beards function to accentuate jaw lines and facial structures. If you’re not quite sure if your beard is a fit for your face, you can ask friends or a barber (not a stylist). A barber could also recommend other styles if you feel like trying something new as well as show you how to care for it.

- Clean Shaven: Stay clean shaven, super straight forward. If you can you may want to try to carefully run the razor against the grain. Doing so will make your face truly smooth no matter what direction hands are being run over you. You can in fact shave against the grain but you must do so with care and a light touch because if the skin bunches up you will get cut.

- Body hair: Ask about body hair. If your Sir wants an ass smooth ask if he has a preference between waxed and shaved. I hate shaving because on some men, they’ll grow a 5 o’clock ass shadow and it grates against my dick as I fuck. There are also plenty of guys who want a hairy ass and crotch. If that’s what he wants at least you can save yourself the time of shaving whatever you already have. I would recommend that any body hair be trimmed to be a consistent length or at least look neat. Having a neat, structured appearance shows the effort you went through to look good as well as how seriously you take service and first impressions.

- Scrub and moisturize: I strongly recommend facial scrubbing in the shower for any areas of dry skin. It is also worth using on any areas you expect to be touched. Neck, crotch, ass, and face. Moisturize after the shower as the scrub will dry out your skin a bit. I also recommend this particular brand if you don’t know what scrub to look for.

-Presentation:

- Pre-lubed or not: If your encounter can or might lead to sex, ask your Sir if you should pre-lube. Note that if there will be a date prior where you’re walking around prior to fucking; it’s not practical as the lube will absorb or otherwise get out of position. If sex is the main event, I’d recommend applying about 30 minutes prior.

- Dress sharp: Whether you wear street clothes or a kink uniform, make sure that it fits well where it should but allows for movement. Put your best foot forward. Even if it’s “unnecessary” the confidence it will bring is important to the presentation.

-Details: Throughout all of this, the one thing you want to make sure of is the details of grooming, your outfit, your hair. There are far more details than i could possibly list hear, but i can assure you having seen a submissive who was so meticulous first hand, the effect was nothing less than instant unbridled lust. You will have a Sir’s complete attention if you can perfect your look.

Good luck boys!

Make Dominants Earn Your Loyalty

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---

Alexander Martin:

Hey all, a bit of unsolicited advice to newer submissives. I’ve been talking to a couple of guys lately and they all have one theme in common. They gave up too much information or power to a dominant before they’d ever met or during the very first meeting and that guy never came back.

It is in your nature as submissives to surrender power to dominants. But you need to make him work a bit for it. Giving dominants too much power too quickly, too easily can scare him off making him think you’re trying to commit very quickly. Alternatively, you can give him no limits on the first meeting and get hurt, or even just say yes to things that give you pause to make him happy only to find he wasn’t actually interested in a second play session.

The truth is that in all of BDSM submissives have the power. They have all the power because they have to give that power up to dominants in order for a dominant to have any power over them. Learn to relent a little bit at a time, and only fall into a man that’s shown he wants to stick around and is worth your submission.

ukstudentalpha:

This is great. I have one caveat however.

“Submissives have the power” is a really great message, but I feel like it’s worth expanding upon this idea.

A submissive doesn’t owe a dominant their submission simply by virtue of their preferred (or natural) role. Sure, they might be submissive, but they won’t necessarily be submissive to that specific dominant.

But the same concept applies in reverse. I don’t owe anyone my dominance. Entitled and demanding submissives are a huge problem for dominants, and lots of subs don’t know where to stop pushing.

No one is owed another person’s body, or a chance to engage in a certain kink with another person. So just be respectful and sensible. If you’re a sub, approach a Dom in a friendly way. And the same goes in reverse. Doms who introduce themselves with abusive orders, and subs who introduce themselves with degrading statements and demands of abuse or control… they’re struggling to recognize the importance of communication and mutual desire.

So be nice, and sensible, and don’t forget your manners. When you approach someone, be positive and communicative above all else.

Alexander Martin:

An excellent addition worth boosting!

hadriantemple:

One of the hardest things for novice subs to do is to say no to a dom. All a sub’s instincts tell him to submit and say yes, but not every dom is worth submitting to. If your instincts tell you something is wrong, trust that and don’t submit. A good dom will take steps to make you feel comfortable and that you can trust him.

neswpnw:

This cannot be emphasized too strongly or repeated too often.

thesidekink:

This is an interesting discussion. I have never been comfortable with the idea of one person holding all the power in a BDSM relationship. Whether that was a dominant who assumed they had power over all submissives by virtue of their position. Or submissives who assume they have more power over doms.

In truth I always felt more like both sides should arrive with equal power to negotiate, discuss and fantasize. Then when it comes to the play the submissive lends his power and consent to the dom. When the scene is over that power ought to be restored through after care or even just treating the sub as a human being afterward. We come back to being equals.

Alexander Martin:

I really wanted top reblog this again for @thesidekink’s comment above. I know that this won’t work for every relationship. Even in my own, bb would bed distressed if he had to make even half the decisions as he views that as my territory and purview. But every single month, I bring up a check in wherein we both have our power equalized to discuss the relationship, how things are going, issues, and good moments we recently had. And during that one time a month we do the work that keeps us together.

I want to reblog this because I wanted to reinforce with the side kink is saying. Even in my power exchange relationship there IS equal negotiation and discussion and that’s just not something we see through the porn and captions contained within tumblr. It’s important for people who want this to BE their life not just their sex life to see that aspect to it clearly.

hadriantemple:

Those ‘equal conversations’ are really important for a master/slave couple, especially early in the relationship. They allow the sub to express his concerns in a way that doesn’t challenge the master’s authority. They need to be frequent at the start of a relationship, but can become less common as time goes on if both sides feel things are going well.

neswpnw:

Great discussion. Tumblr at its best, as a forum for better understanding power exchange relationships.

hypnotistformuscletoys:

I love this thread. Subs should support each other, and be sure to submit in a smart, healthy way. There’s plenty of extreme fun to be had, but safety is always number one.

daddysqueerboylove:

This is fantastic. I already have trust issues, and it took me a long time to trust daddy enough for me to fully submit to him. Daddy has always been patient and understanding, and his patience has always made me want to give him more.

What to Look For in a Sir

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

Like a lot of what I write, I thought that this might prove useful for newer submissives who are trying to figure out how to suss dominants. I hope it can also serve to help readers think about exactly what it is they’re looking for. I also thought it would be handy for newer dominants to know what traits and behaviors to show off to attract submissives.

I am in no way judging ANYONE for not having any of these traits.

When you’re looking for a partner of any kind, it is vital to know what traits are REQUIRED and what traits would be nice to have. Knowing in advance this information allows you to sort through dominants more quickly and with less heart(ass)-ache afterwards. You’ll learn and develop that list as you date and fuck your way through kinksters. Remember, everyone (boys and Sirs) talk so don’t do anything that is unbecoming behavior.

- Knowledge: Your dominant should have knowledge about how to carry out his favorite kinks and safely. Looking for a caning? Then your dominant should probably know not to strike in line with your spine. Everyone starts somewhere! If he has no experience, readings could be a useful insight and provide some of the information he needs to know. That’s why you’re reading this entry! See if he’s done any reading or research on either his kink or dominance in general.

- Experience: This particular point varies in importance. If you want a bare handed spanking? There’s only so much damage he can do to your ass that way. If you’re graduating to caning you want to assess how much experience he has. Experience matters with play so ultimately you don’t end up hurt. Experience also leads to a more enjoyable experience as someone who knows what they’re doing is better able to do will create an experience deliberately, and there will be less stumbling during the scene.

- Confidence: As I already said, everyone starts somewhere! Yet, a dominant who is confident in who he is, what he’s doing, and how he wants to do it is not only sexy… it helps ensure you’ll actually find someone waiting for you when you arrive to play. The main reason I am a proponent of confidence, is because I’ve found that behaving confidently, (even when I stumble) helps preserve the headspace in the scene and covers for stumbles. So even if your dominant is new and makes mistakes, confidence will smooth out the experience.

- Listens: This should be VITAL to everyone reading this post. If you’re going to give your submission to a Sir, he should be clearly indicating he takes that trust seriously. Having to repeat yourself multiple times, re-clarify points, or instances where proves he didn’t understand what you said are all worrying. How can you relax and invest trust in someone who isn’t listening to your needs.

- Limits: A dominant that knows his limits, and actively asks after yours should be treasured. I fully understand the idea of “I have no limits as a sign of my submission”, but with respect I feel that’s either fantasy, or best saved for someone you have known for years and have a strong relationship with. A dominant who avoids talking about limits and seems generally dismissive of the topic is not someone I would advise meeting up with.

- After care: This one again varies in importance based on what you’re going to do. If you have an interest in impact play (paddles, canes, whips, crops) I would suggest asking how a dominant feels about aftercare. A new dominant could potentially take you to a level where you need aftercare for the first time (if you never have before) and knowing that he’ll be there to give you the care you need for at least a few minutes if you want it is important. A quick side note, some submissives who experience sub drop (an endorphin drop caused by the cessation of play which can cause a variety of altered mood states) do want to be left the FUCK alone. If you know that’s you, tell a Dom first. If you learn that’s you please explain it’s due to sub drop.

- Honest: Complete honesty is unnecessary, but if someone is telling you stories that don’t entirely make sense and they lack an explanation tying it all together? That’s a red flag. It too often leads to disappointment and misrepresentation to bother with.

- Personality: No, it’s not whether a dominant has one. Don’t be a smartass. You should consider and be able to explain the kind of dominant you’re looking for in terms of personality. Are you looking for an average guy with a dominant streak in the bedroom? Are you looking for a Sadist like @kinkythingsilike ? Do you want a good ole boy who bullies you like @domnator2? Do you want a guy who is charming, but slowly inexorably moves you towards what he wants (like James Bond)? Do you want a Brat Tamer? Do you want a pup master? Knowing the kind of personality that turns you on and being able to articulate it helps the dominant have an idea what kind of scene and feel would make you most submissive and have the most fun. It also helps a lot because you can at least inform dominants who contact you but aren’t your type that it’s simply a matter of personality conflict. It’s always useful for Doms to know why we didn’t make the cut.

How to find a Sir

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

This is the one question I get asked non-stop online. So, let’s preface the FUCK out of this post.

What this post is for:

- Boys who have literally just decided to delve into BDSM.

- A general pointer in some directions

- A complimentary post to the etiquette post.

What this post is not:

- I’m not dismissing anyone’s challenges inherent in dating.

- I’m not guaranteeing this WILL land you a man.

- This isn’t accounting for your personal approach to men or service.

If you live in a city:

YOU ARE ALMOST CERTAINLY IN LUCK!

I would start by Google searching your local leather bar. On the East Coast in the US almost all “Eagle” bars are leather bars. Try searching on Eagle [insert your city].

The next place to search for is dungeons in your city. Even if the dungeons are primarily straight clientele (they probably will be) they’re worth checking out because straight folks love to hook up gay men like they’re tying up loose ends or something. If you find a dungeon, I suggest volunteering to help out. It will ingratiate you to other folks, get you in for free, and give you an opportunity to socialize.

Hop onto Recon and Fetlife and create a profile. I’ll talk about what you should have in your profile under the etiquette post.

Attend munches! Munches are purely social meals usually held when a Sunday brunch would be. They are intended as a casual place to get to know someone before engaging in play. In fact, no one should be playing at a munch. That is a big social fopah. Munches are also useful because kinksters talk about each other. If someone is spoken of poorly, do make sure you get a few opinions. Sometimes, bad blood exists between two kinksters and if you ask someone about their ex don’t be surprised if they have a negative opinion.

If you live in a suburban area:

That’s tricker. Like you kinksters probably do live in your area, but it is rare for established kink gay bars to be located too far out from public transit of a city. You’ll probably end up going into the city and making some kinkster friends and then luring them back to your place for parties. Just follow through on most of the advice above.

If you live in a rural area:

This is a really bad place to live if you’re in for kink. The best advice I can give is set up recon and fetlife and try to see if you can find someone locally. You may not be able to, but do maintain the profile. If someone else in your area tries the same thing, you don’t want them to see a blank search result like you did… you want them to find you.

Travel will be your best friend. Vacation in major cities, get out to the dungeons and bars in those cities and maximize your time. If possible move. If kink is a really important part to your sex life this is probably the best thing for you. If it’s something that would be fun and you could live without, then you can stop reading here.

Know what you’re looking for:

This may sound obvious but this one seems to elude a lot of people. Know the kind of dominant that turns you on. What’s his personality like? What’s his build like? What MUST he be into? What are some optional interests you’d like him to have? How old is he?

Keep in mind, you may not find a PERFECT man, but it’s important to have a clearer sense what you’re looking for. As Dan savage is fond of saying, most of us have to “round up to the ‘one’.” Once you have that in mind, summarize it down to the key points and put it in your online profile. Yeah, many men don’t read them, but some do and those who do can self select if they know your tastes.

Self improvement:

So you know what your optimal guy looks like. Do YOU look like that? A lot of gay men look like the kind of men they want to fuck. You do NOT have to change your entire appearance if doing so would make you intensely unhappy, but just be aware that opposites do attract, but do so more rarely in the gay community. Work on your shape and see if you can match the body type of your dreams more closely.

What skills do you have? Are you a good cook? Are you a diligent cleaner? Do you know how to boot black? Are you a masseuse? Emphasize those. And if you don’t have a skill, learn one, hone it, and take some pride in it. You want something to make yourself stand out a little. There are a LOT of subs out there and a skill you can emphasize on top of looking the part and having the right kinks will make you seem like the full package, like someone no smart dominant could pass up having in their life.

Be self confident. I cannot stress this one too much. How you get there is up to you but when you get there be sure you believe that dominants want you.

Manners:

I’m going to address this more fully in another post as I found it too much to put here. Don’t scoff! @bredbeta serves me because he looked the part, and was exceedingly polite. It was such a breath of fresh air I made him mine.

And that’s largely it. That should be a good way for everyone to at least get started and get some kinksters in your friend circle. Next up, read up on etiquette! Good luck.

Finding a Sir… A Few Tips

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From Sub One: Hi…just a new sub …shy and trying to learn. Any advice for me…I can c u are real-I will answer any question-I am very submissive-in LA. I am looking for a Master…I am bi - I like Total Power Exchange service….how should I start my search, or exploring, do you think? 

From Sub Two: This is being a little frustrating to be honest with you.. I didn’t think it would be so hard to find someone that I felt attraction to who was into what I like.I have a profile on recon.com but everyone I talk to there say they like me and they are looking for a slave/boi but when I ask to meet or exchange numbers they say they are too busy or they stop answering or they say they already have one.. but yet they are still logged in there.

Papa Tony:

Requesting such a relationship from strangers (as you have now learned) simply doesn’t work. That is because it is a deeper-than-usual relationship that you are requesting. Back in the days when I made the mistake of creating an accurate, authentic Recon personal profile, I received A HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN requests like yours in the very first 24 hours of creating the profile. I received hundreds more (from every major continent) before I pulled the plug.

As a very high-status, ridiculously visible Sir/Daddy/Master/Dominant, I recognize that there are plenty of applicants for the position of submissive, boy or slave. Hundreds of requests (with nothing other than sheer neediness behind them) simply become background noise. It’s just how the human brain works.

You will ONLY achieve the most-effective results by becoming active in your local kinky community. Go forth and let yourself be known, not just as a submissive candidate for a relationship with a Sir, but as a great guy that your new friends can recommend.

It only works if you take the time and energy to build a solid reputation in a Tribe that wants to know what you are truly like. Otherwise, you’re just one of zillions, and nobody will notice you in the crowds.

One boy got in touch with his natural, honorable role as a Boot Submissive at last night’s Men’s Discussion. It rocked his world, and he was surrounded with approval. The Tops in the crowd noticed, too.

Your attractiveness rises:

- If you’re not a flake, and ALWAYS keep your word.

- If you’re willing to contribute to the success of various events (such as by volunteering)

- If you have Boy Scout tendencies - Trustworthy, Loyal, etc.

- If you ask for help, and listen to advice. That is what we are here for.

If you DO these things, then doors will open for you, that are invisible to most people. You’ll receive extra helpings of advice and coaching. You’ll gain better friends in your life by BEING a better friend to others.

I’m currently training dozens of dominant males to take ownership of their Mastery and Sir status. They will ALL need boys, slaves, submissives, eventually.

If you are the type of guy who wants to grow and learn, and support others in their growth, then you’re the kind of submissive male that GETS THE SIR.

The ball is now in your court. Let’s see if you can take the first steps that I recommend, and then you will find that more, really useful information gets unlocked for you…

To become active in your local kinky community, requires there to actually be a local kinky community.

Try going lateral - What if there is a THRIVING community nearby, but it is not visible to you?

Many isolated gay males are find community of a sort on Fetlife. They can attend local “munches” where male and female Doms and subs mingle. You may well be the only visible gay-male there, but you will still be welcome. They may have wise advice for you that will help you on your path. Some of the best wisdom I have ever received as been from heterosexuals, lesbians and transfolk.

They might be able to steer you into better directions that lead to you achieving your goals. It’s an option.

There are also issues when those active in your local community. When it is dominated by dangerous idiots who wantonly will not take advice, who will not practice safer sex and have no regard for the basics of sane safe and consensual interactions and have injured people. I am currently trying to persuade an acquaintance that they should go to the police. However the “Spanner judgement” is a major impediment - this judgement states “any injury, no matter how transient cannot be consented to.

I agree! There has never been a time where we didn’t have crap like this happening. In the absence of kind, wise and respectable leaders, then the Law of the Jungle prevails. When that happens, then bullies get to be at the top of the heap.

In my own case, I had to create my own, separate and safe social circle. When given a better choice, the brotherly men came running, and the bullies lost all power.

What Are The Top 6 Traits You Desire In Your Ultimate Ideal Sub?

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Anonymous: What are the top 6 traits you desire in your ultimate ideal sub? 

Unknown Author:

1. An interesting human being. Lately I’ve come to a very defined point when it comes to my own interactions with someone I’m attracted to. There has to be something there. It cannot be all physical attraction. The gears must turn. There has to be passion for something Beyond sex. A drive to make the world better. An interest in a vocation. The desire to learn. The unequivocal Wanderlust.

2. Acceptance of what you want. I’m not saying you have to figure it out everything. There’s plenty to explore. But I want you to know that you want something. I don’t want to force you. I don’t want you to fake it. I don’t want you to pretend. I want you to love what I love.

3. An understanding of the line between fantasy and reality. This is perhaps the greatest problem of the internet age. Tumblr. Grindr. Recon. You have to know what is pretend and what is real. Know that someone cannot be submissive 24/7 nor can they be dominant for just as long. Know that there’s a time and a place for everything.

4. Embrace Humanity. A boy is not an object to me. He is a person. He’s a beautiful being. He deserves my respect. I will not dehumanize you. I will still do all the things you desire including humiliation play. But I cannot use you and toss you away. To this end, I say there’s just as much joy and fucking while you’re tied to the bed as there is going to Dairy Queen and getting a Cherry dipped cone.

5. Offer and accept affection. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me that I don’t look the part of a dominant man. I look too sweet. I look too innocent. I have a fire deep in my heart that comes out in the passionate form of restraints and control. But I do like to feel another person. I want to touch you. I want to be close to you. I want to kiss you. I want to embrace you.

6. Have personal Drive. I don’t want to be your sugar daddy. I don’t want you to be lazy. I don’t want you to live an unfulfilled life. I want you to pursue your dreams. I want you to follow a career that makes you happy. I want you to embrace the intellectual abilities that you have and partner them with my own so that we can both attain our joy in our professional lives. Money doesn’t have to be everything. You could want to change the world. And I’ll still hold your hand. I just want you to want something more.

*Prologue*

The most striking part of this list to me is that it still has not been obtained. Perhaps I’m too selective. Perhaps I ask too much. I’m a good man with a good heart and an extensive gear collection. I want to be happy. I hope I can find it.

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dirtythingsthatturnmeonposts

Here are the things I look for:

1. Before all else, we must connect as people. He has to be the kind of person I want to have as a friend.

2. Humour. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a sense of humour and the ability to not taking yourself too seriously.

3. Passion. Whether it is about his job, or his hobbies, or his family or all of the above I need to see his eyes lit up when he talks about it.

4. Natural flow. This may sound corny and all, but, to have a boy with whom I connect almost organically is beyond the best.

5. Pride. It’s so important to me to have a boy who embraces his submissive side and the kinks that come with being submissive. To have a boy who’s proud of the submissive he’s become.

6. Eager to learn. No matter how (in) experienced a boy is, no two dominants are the same. I need to have a boy who’s willing to forget what he’s learned with past partners and start from scratch with me. Let it be clear; Safe, Sane and Consensual lessons are right there, at the beginning of our journey.

7. Porn versus reality. In a time where porn is so accessible, and more than not showcases the more extreme part of everything, it is vital to have a boy who understands that what you see in porn and on Tumblr is not a accurate representation of what a D/s or FLR is. If I feel the boy isn’t able/willing to see the difference we have no future.

There is Nothing Wrong With You

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Note from Papa Tony:  I did not write any of the following, and was unable to find out who did.

Anonymous: hi daddy. i'm a boy with a few mental problems, mainly anxiety and depression. would it be best for me not to try and find any daddies or be involved in any sexual/romantic relationships until i fix myself? i get really really lonely, but at the same time I wouldn't want the other person to deal with some of the baggage i carry. 

Why would that be for the best? Is there something broken or wrong with you? Those things may never change, may never go away fully, so what you’re saying to me is that you shouldn’t try to find a Daddy who will understand those things, care about you, and be the support you need to learn to cope with those parts of yourself? If there was anything wrong that was made apparent by your question it’s that you think there’s something wrong with you.

There is an image associated with difficulties like those and it comes from one of the greater evils of our age: The diagnosis becomes the condition. The second someone says one of those buzz words: ADD ADHD BPD, Any of them, all of a sudden people will ‘re-frame’ their understanding of you based on those letters as if some how your oddity (and their confusion about you) makes sense because it’s all the fault of those letters.

Do you know what the prevalence of anxiety and depression is among LGBT people? Each on their own exist in varying degrees in more than half our numbers. Together? Nearly every one you meet will have, or be, enduring those things. Conditions like Generalized Anxiety Disorder is so common and consistent that people just feel uneasy in social groups and so become introverted. In fact you could say that GAD is an acronym diagnosis for just not bloody liking the idiots that surround you most of the time. If that’s the case, that’s a new set of letters to add to my bandolier.

I’m going to throw a few things out for you to consider, things that have been thrown at me personally:

I am Anti-social because I do not care for ‘norms’ or large groups of people. Truth be told, my lifestyle is completely counter to even gay social norms because it’s a ‘kink’ life and that I refuse to live in a vanilla box because someone tells me I should makes me anti social.

I have PTSD from being repeatedly beaten, harassed and threatened physically, mentally and emotionally by people who gave themselves the authority to judge and punish another human being. In reality, nearly everyone has that same condition for those reasons. If you’ve ever endured trauma and have survived it, you have post-traumatic symptoms whenever you feel threatened again. It never goes away.

I have Anxiety. I know they mean the constant feeling of being in danger, of needing to run, and almost anyone who has ever been nervous has suffered anxiety. When you get excited, you are anxious. When you are afraid and anticipating something, you are anxious.

I have Depression. The common person thinks depression is feeling blue. They are wrong. Depression is feeling gray. It has no trigger or warning, it just is. It’s like someone turned down the contrast on life until things become black and white, senses become dulled, pleasure vanishes and the world becomes a bleak hell while you sit feeling isolated in a flesh colored straight jacket. There is nothing blue about depression. You aren’t sad, that’s a whole other emotion packed into it.

I can keep going through the entire DSM if need be. Hell, according to the big book of boxes, I’m schizotypal because I actually think that I matter to other people. “ characterized by severe social anxiety, paranoia, and often unconventional beliefs. “ How awesome is that? Who the hell ISN’T Schizotypal that grew up gay and in a place where homophobia exists. Pretty sure everyone has traits that qualify under these umbrellas.

I want to be clear, I am not angry at you. I am frustrated with this particular demon because it haunts SO many people.

My point is this: what makes them ISSUES is not the condition, it’s what you (and to a degree others) think they mean. So what if there are days when you need more affection and others when you need more space? So what if you happen to need that feeling of being safe that a Daddy can provide? Do you think perfection is something you can actually ‘be’ or is it the journey from where you are to where you wind up, the quest itself to become more, to be stronger but most importantly: to be happy.


The ONLY way it poses a risk is if you use the relationship as a crutch or therapy. A Daddy can’t realistically ‘fix’ you, only you can do that. What they can do is provide you safe space to process, understanding of your difficulty, caring and compassion while you do the hard work and appreciation for all the effort YOU put in to overcome what inhibits you now.

Yes feeling good can become a drug to ward off depression, but it can never fix it and so it will come crashing back down harder than before. What you need from a Daddy when you’re having a hard time isn’t sex, it’s companionship and support. He may give you a hand so you can lift yourself up, arms to fall into when you need to cry, and a smile to try to cheer you up a little. That’s not because he thinks you are sad, but because sometimes it is the VERY thing you need to see so that you can try to reach for happy even when you don’t think you can make it.

There is one last thing I want to add here. Don’t judge Daddy before you give him the chance to show you that your ‘baggage’ doesn’t stop him from caring about you. Nothing is easy, especially not finding love, so you can’t take that as a judgment against you.

Do I think you should be single until you’re ‘fixed’. No. I don’t think you should deny the opportunity to be happy.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. The only thing that makes it so is you. As I once wrote to a boy: “The problem, you see, isn’t that you’re in a wheelchair. The problem is the wheelchair in your MIND. It’s that you see yourself that way, as lesser, because of the difference you think that makes you so. You need to learn to put the wheelchair in your mind away”.

You, my boy, need to put away the words others give you to describe who and what you are. Don’t think of yourself as anything other than who you are. If you feel you have work you need to do on yourself, more power to you, but don’t let that kind of thinking prevent you from being happy or even finding love. Struggling, as you do, is hard enough without feeling diminished because of the fact that you DO struggle. I often say that a boy who tries, who works toward his goals, is a boy I can respect and consider that a good sign of being ‘the right stuff’ to be a good boy.

Forgive my rant but, you see, I have had too many experiences with boys who feel broken because they struggle through difficult times. It saddens me to see a boy throw himself into the trash because he feels that’s where he belongs. You don’t. You belong somewhere that makes you happy and proud to be there. You aren’t broken.

Someday, perhaps, when I am feeling VERY talkative I will tell you all of my philosophy of being human, but for now I want this boy in particular to know something. Life will crack you, split you apart and leave you in pieces, but what makes YOU beautiful is that you survive. Your courage, your effort and your determination become a new bond between pieces, a filling of gold, that changes you and makes you even more beautiful than before. Your history, who you are right now, is an extraordinary thing. You simply need to put aside your thoughts about your value and allow someone else to show you that you are wrong.

I want you to understand that you are beautiful, just as you are, because you have endured and survived things most cannot comprehend. You are your own creation and that makes you a singular wonder in the world. you don’t have to be proud of your pain, but you should be proud of the phenomenal accomplishment of still being here. Take hope in that fact too because every day you are, every breath you continue to struggle to take, brings you one step closer to where you want to be.