Checklists, Communication and Negotiation

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10 Golden Rules for BDSM Negotiations - A very good list.  I recommend every submissive AND Dominant read it. CONSENSUAL, AWARE, SAFE and HONEST. Rules to live by, daily. Read it.

Pro-Verbal - When I am teaching a new submissive, I stress the following idea: "The More That You Submit, The More That I Dominate."  The exact opposite is true, too.

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The following links are from the BDSM Links And Resources, created by desires-of-a-dominant-man on Tumblr. I rescued it from Tumblr's burning wreckage, so that this valuable information doesn't get lost. 

He says:

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)
Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)
If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist(Source: the-iron-gate.com)
Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)
What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?

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What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head.

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see these those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used. 

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with. 

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. 

I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion. I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission. 

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation. 

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated. a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. 

 of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy. limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

A Suggested First Encounter

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Master Chuck: Tumblr devotees (of addicts, your choice) know that porn, more often than not, is a study in extremes. Everyone has a perfect physique, huge endowment, perfect personas, perfected knot-tying techniques and the ideal degree of bravado.

Exploring the power exchange world is (supposedly) easier for submissives because, according to some, they aren’t supposed to have a brain, needs, desires, limits or feelings; they are supposed to wait patiently until they are given an order, then carry it out brilliantly, as though they’ve been in training for decades. New dominants have the added burden of being expected to instinctively know to direct, orchestrate and star in the feature presentation - and do it in such a way as to make the submissive want to return for a repeat performance.

In the real world, reality often includes a gut, grey hair, an average or even small endowment and the ego of a mere mortal. It’s no wonder that when opportunities to dip a toe into the real waters of dominance-submission present themselves, insecurities rise to the surface, cold feet take over and those opportunities are missed.

I have a suggestion for those just starting to explore the World of BDSM:

• This ain’t porn, it’s real - so drop the script
• Less-Is-More
• It’s All About Building and Not Destroying

If one is serious, opportunities to explore the Master/slave dynamic will present themselves. When they do, take it slow and allow yourselve to adjust and reach some kind of comfort level. Don’t feel like you’ve got to impress anyone; you don’t, other than your partner for the moment and he’ll be pretty forgiving.

Imagine you are a Dom and sub, meeting for the first time and neither of you have much experience on which to draw. Rather than attempting to recreate a scenario associated with a porn picture, it might be far more comfortable if the Dom orders the sub to strip, kneel and hold a position with his hands clasped behind his neck. 

The Dom, remaining fully clothed, can then slowly inspect his “property” - caressing muscles, squeezing nipples, cupping balls - while observing how his submissive responds to various stimuli. The Dom can question his sub, make lusty suggestions of “torments” he might inflict on his slave, in short, learn to read the body language of his sub.

Unless you know your sub fairly well, avoid the common put-downs. In my experience, realsubmissives don’t view themselves or their gift of submission as worthless. And real Doms don’t either. If that type of trash talk has a viable future in a relationship, there will be adequate opportunities for it down the road.

Allowing insecurity to take over is a near perfect way to ensure nothing happens beyond fantasy. Admitting one’s own lack of experience is the important first-step to turning a fantasy into a reality. And reality is a required component of all types of power exchange relationships.

Just a suggestion you may want to ponder.

dirtythingsthatturnmeonposts:

Even without having clicked on the link to discover the rest of the post I’m sitting here smiling at your words because yes!!

In an era where porn images flood our feeds it’s very tempting to compare ourselves and/or our dynamic to the images we see. The tempation to copy what we see can become so temping, overwhelming even, particularly to the people who are new to our world and even then none of us are infallible.

A routine I love and practice myself is have my boy kneeling in front of me, fully dressed, eyes either cast down or locked with mine depending my own mood and need.

I’ll have him breathe with me. Deep inhales followed by slow exhales as I touch his face and compliment him to begin with. As he breathes I’ll remind him of why he’s there - to please me, to serve me. I’ll ask him to confirm his safeword, or the traffic light system we have in place.

As he talks, as per my instructions of whatever goes through his mind or any other specific subject I’ll undress him, let my hands roam around his exposed skin.

By the time I help him up to take off his pants I’m left with a boy who’s already so eager, so wired, so needy it often takes my breath away.

Ignore all the images you see in porn, ladies and gents, because that sub that’s kneeling in front of you? That sub is yours. And that, that makes them so much more valuable than any image you could ever see on here.

Jack Off First, THEN Negotiate!

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Master Chuck: The word ‘negotiation’ carries overtones of rational business sense, equals seeking a common goal and a general concern for the welfare of everyone concerned. It is not a word one might associate with an exchange between a prospective slave and potential Master.

In the BDSM community, the word ‘claim’ or ‘collar’ is often associated with the image of a naked man on his knees, head bowed, hands behind his back and a fully clothed man, towering above him in a position of authority. The dialog is usually one-sided with the Master dictating the terms and conditions by which the naked man will serve out his remaining days.

For those actually seeking a Master/slave relationship, I have one suggestion: jack off first, thennegotiate!

Fantasy is fun but reality (if it’s going to last longer than a one-time-thing) requires that the needs, wants and desires of both partners be recognized and fulfilled, at least to some extent.

It’s no secret that the “horniness factor” plays a huge factor in us, both psychologically and physiologically. High sexual arousal can sway the decisions we make and increase our threshold to erotic pain. What seemed like a hot idea prior to an orgasm very often seem less so following one.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, submissives do have a brain and they do not lose that brain when they commit to a Dom. No matter how good an actor, a committed slave will almost always loose his commitment and desire to serve if the original fulfillment and chemistry is no longer there. Dominant-submissive relationships can and do last a lifetime when those involved are living life and not attempting to live a script.

I’ve known slaves who have walked away from jobs, relationships and personal lives to follow their dream, only to have their dream turn into a nightmare. It happens when a potential-slave gives away what he needs to exist. It happens when a potential-Master collars a slave without adequately considering the responsibilities that come with ownership. It happens when the commitment to hold the relationship together is too weak and the ‘let’s-give-it-a-shot’ mentality is too strong.

Go after your dream! Search for the yin to your yang! And when you find each other, jack off and then negotiate. You will increase your chances of finding a truly great partner and a relationship that fulfills initially and long term.

I Am Broadband By Nature: A Master Class on Meeting Face To Face

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Question: For both Doms and sub just beginning their search, what is "standard" protocol: meeting face to face early on or getting acquainted via chat and phone calls? Thanks for being an ongoing source of intelligent advice.

servanttrainer:

When I was doing serious hunting, I did so through leather bars, leather groups and friends with similar interests, so I don’t have a lot of experience with this hunting style. So give my comments what they are worth.

Men I have spoken with who hunt this way have told me that if the other party has not been willing to meet face-to-face after three to four chat/email sessions, they do not believe the other person is serious.  I have heard the same thing from my heterosexual friends who have used dating/matching sites.

At the same time, I know of some men who enjoy online domination/submission and do not have any real desire to meet the other person in real time.  In which case, there is no protocol for how soon the two should meet.

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Papa Tony:

Being a perceptive older man, with old habits, I could not IMAGINE any useful reason to meet up with a prospective submissive play-partner for a one-on-one first scene together, without meeting in a neutral space beforehand.  Usually, at a coffee shop, for a good, long chat.

I Am Broadband By Nature

Plain text is useless to me, when evaluating somebody.  The information bandwidth is hardly even a trickle.  I can't make valid decisions about somebody with only 1.7% of the information I need.  I trust my intuition.  Sitting across from somebody, entirely away of the playroom environment, casually chatting before bringing up more serious topics, gives me more of what I want:

• Eye-contact
• Breathing patterns
• Muscle-tension
• Body-Language
• Pupil Dilation
• Sudden, involuntary reactions to what is said.

No, I am not always reading these things CONSCIOUSLY, but I am perceiving them nonetheless, on a deeply intuitive level.  My Bullshit Detector is at full crank, and so is his.  That's the way that I want it.  I want the information between us to be full-spectrum, and in an uninhibited, two-way flow.

I am physically imposing, and very well-known locally as an experienced Dom.  Chances are very good that my prospective playmate is intimidated, and even scared.  He's all tied up in knots, inside his head.  His horniness should never take precedence over his desire to make a good choice.

He may lack confidence in his ability to discern MY intentions, and he has heard horror stories about cruel Doms, while browsing on the Internet.

It's my goal to take ownership of the conversation, and to guide it into ever-increasing trust.

I Am As Transparent As Water

Trust must be earned.  It can't be demanded.  In order to end up with an absolutely transcendent play-scene together later on, it is MY job to create "Trust With A Capital T".  I do this by being as real as any human being can be.  I strip off all artifice, being metaphorically naked in all ways.

Yes, we are still inside the coffee shop at this point! 😀

I don't try to "sell" myself as being Mister Ultimate DomlyDom Who Never Fails.  I know what I am good for, and I am also able to have a good chuckle at my foibles.  Admitting a few foibles is reassuring when engaging in a conversation with somebody who wants the full picture… Not just the shiny side that most folks project.

It's okay to be human.  Any playmate who thinks otherwise is under the impression that "kink exists only as a live-action porn movie".  Either they let go of that fallacy, or they get the heck out of my life.

Telling some stories from past scenes is entertaining, but it's also a good idea for letting the sub see how you are BE-ING… casual, peaceful, informative, attentive and focused.  The sub will perceive "STRENGTH" as opposed to "FORCE".  This is a healthy and evolved way to be.  It's also the purest form of seduction.

Getting Inside The Sub's Physical Space

I may even gesture to the sub that I want to hold his hand, right there in full view of the dozens of students working on their laptops, all around us.  I do this to show MY comfort in exhibiting Public Displays of Affection, and I also do this because it is VERY hard to bullshit somebody when you are close and in physical contact.

If I was theoretically standing eight feet away from him, barking out statements in a monotone, then that is not a comforting and reassuring behavior.  Being up close, making periodic, authentic and kindly eye-contact, being a good example of a patient, attentive and comfortable Sir?  That's how to seduce a timid but eager submissive.

Making Them Jump Through Flaming Hoops

I have said this before: Young folks have trouble detecting subtle social signals, because they have spent way too much time staring at digital screens.  No matter WHAT age a sub may be, I have no interest in flakes.  If I tell a prospective playmate "I will see you at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time," I am actually administering a test.  If they

• Never show up, or
• Show up 47 minutes late without calling ahead, or
• Never show up but text me a day later with some lame-ass excuse

Then they never get another chance to ride the Tony Train.  My time is too damn valuable to waste on somebody who has not made adult decisions about how they will interact with others.  I have raised six foster kids to full adulthood.  There are too many eager subs in the world for me to teach a full-grown ADULT how to have basic good manners.

Deconstructing an Invitation

When I invited that new sub to meet with me at a neutral space, I was consciously creating an "invitation".  In order for an invitation to be complete, it has to be fully understood by all, and it works best when there is a specific time for completion.

Once an invitation has been extended and clearly understood, then the recipient of that invitation has three valid choices.  They are welcome to

Accept  ("I'm here, right on time!  <<<tail wagging>>> Aren't I a good boy?"),
Decline ("I'm not comfortable meeting face to face yet."), or
Renegotiate ("I am on my way, but traffic is terrible.  I may be a few minutes late.")

I am fine with any of those choices.  That's how invitations work.

What does NOT provide a valid fourth reaction is AVOIDANCE.  Yeah, I get it - Maybe the sub is unable to get past the fright-factor.  Maybe some other deeply-interesting thing came up.  Whatever.  If the basic courtesy of respecting my time isn't present, I can't get excited about building an incredible scene of surpassing pleasure and transformation.

Summing Up

This may sound to some folks like I am being even more passive than the sub.  Nope.  I am guiding the flow of the conversation, evaluating the sub's reactions, helping him to get to his next level, and preparing the path toward ultimate mutual ecstasy.  I'm not using Caveman tools ("Me STRONG…. Like OX!"), I am subtle and seductive.

Trust me.  This approach WORKS, and can lead to intense pleasure, once we have established better trust… on BOTH sides.  This scenario weeds out the flakes, doesn't put me in a sad position while I wonder what I did wrong, and saves everybody a bunch of wasted energy.

Best Way To Negotiate Limits?

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What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head…

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing to do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used. 

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with. 

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.

So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion. 

I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission. 

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation. 

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated. 

 a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy. 

Limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

10 Golden Rules for BDSM Negotiations

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sirmastermark: A very good list.  I recommend every submissive AND Dominant read it.

CONSENSUAL, AWARE, SAFE and HONEST

Rules to live by, daily.

Read it.

Submissive's Safety

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rbbrbkrbn: My default role is sub but because I was subjected to non-consensual activity, rape is the legal definition, although at that time male rape was not recognised as a crime. I was badly hurt mentally and less so physically by a top I thought of as a friend and mentor. Someone I trusted fully, I found it, and still do find it very hard to trust people to top me.

As a consequence I learned to top and and was taught by people who were safety conscious, and who thought of little details most would not even think about.

Use rope rather than chain because it is easier to cut than chain and you can put a quick release “slip” in the knot so when you pull the end the knot comes undone.

If you have someone standing release the feet first and get them to march on the spot. This returns pooled blood from the legs back into the general circulation. We have all seen guardsmen or soldiers on parade fainting because of this.

I always meet first time in public. When playing even if I have played with that person before I arrange with a friend that I will call them them when I leave safely. If I don’t call by the designated time they will call my phone and if answered ask to speak to me. I have a code phrase something like “everything is great” which means get me out of here. If no reply is received then then the police are called.

As a corollary i never pick up and take someone home from a club or bar. Friends were killed by Colin Ireland.

Another matter I find worrying is the number of subs wanting to be knocked out in breath play games. And worse “tops” who will do it. Once a person becomes unconscious things can go horribly wrong terribly fast as anyone with a modicum of medical knowledge will know…

The use of ethyl chloride, often marketed as maximum impact, and used instead of, or with poppers is extremely dangerous. It was banned in hospitals as an anaesthetic because on the unacceptably high death rate. Patients were dying and could not be resuscitated even with the resources of a hospital operating theatre. One breath can kill an otherwise healthy individual.

One of the things I specialise in when I top is breath control play. I was a senior diving instructor in BSAC and I was also an HSE first aid for divers instructor. I know how to resuscitate someone. I have done it for real three times. It is bloody hard work on your own. Now imagine you have someone in layers in a sleepsack - when every second counts.

Incidentally I would never leave someone on their back alone in a sleepsack. I had a scare. I was sleeping beside the guy and when he stopped breathing I had him out - yes he got tipped out of the sleepsack which was on the bed onto the floor and I had him breathing again in under a minute. He had sleep apnoea and didn’t know. To ensure he was OK I insisted on taking him to the accident and emergency department at the local hospital.

When I top I take my duty of care to a sub very seriously and will always seek expert medical help if I believe there is a problem EVEN IF THE SUB SAYS HE IS OK.

Slave Safety

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masterworxx: As a psychotherapist working in the gay community, I thought this was so well said and so germane, I’d like to share it.  This well organized thought came from another web site.  Dr. Ed ( dred)

SLAVE SAFETY

Advice from one slave to its brothers

1. Until you agree to submit, you are in control of what you do. Every Man you come across who says He is a Master deserves appropriate respect and deference. But simply because He says He is a Master does not mean you owe Him submission. Your submission is a gift. You choose Who to give it to. And until you choose to give it to a Man, you remain in control and should exercise that control — but always with respect and deference.

2. Never meet a Master for a session of service or s/m play before first meeting to talk. Remember what they say about bars? That the closer to closing time it gets, the better everyone looks? Keep this in mind also when you’re online. Everyone can look good online. Everyone can say the right things, type the proper words. Enjoy cyber — but know it is only cyber until you meet.

If you have spent extensive time with Him online or on the phone and feel okay with Him, you might consider that to be the meeting. But it still remains best to meet first in person — preferably in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Show Him respect and deference, but until you choose to submit, you remain in control of yourself even if you are at His place. Until you choose to give Him this control, His requests for you to undress, sit on the floor, or whatever, no matter the tone in His voice, are merely requests, not orders, until you accept them as such.

3. It is best not to plan or expect a session at this first meeting. Let it be just a meeting to find out if the two of you click and want to continue. This is a good test of the sincerity of the Master. Almost all will tell you They want an ongoing thing. If this is true, and if They really want you, then there is no hurry. You can meet first … and plan to have the session the next day, if you want.

4. Be totally and completely honest with potential Masters about what you seek, what your experience level is, what you fear, what you crave, and what your limits are. Your ego and your desire to not disappoint a potential Master may make you want to exaggerate. But it does no one any good if you tell a Master you can take a bullwhip when you have never even been flogged hard.

A good Master is not as concerned with how intensely you can play as with whether you genuinely want to play. Good Masters are looking for reactions and potential for growth. If They get a good reaction out of a slow, light flogging, They are as satisfied as when They get a good reaction out of a full-force bullwhipping. Well, maybe not as satisfied, but satisfied enough!

And never say you can take anything. You may find your forehead branded before the night is out.

5. Be totally honest with yourself about what you seek. There is an undercurrent in the leather community that a hierarchy exists among submissives. According to this “common wisdom,” it is better to be 24/7 than part time, it is better to be a slave than a boy, and so on. Don’t fall into this trap.

What is best for you is whatever meets your specific desires and needs. To be a man who submits only in sessions because this is all he needs is as valid and as good as being a man who submits to the complete control of a Master on a 24/7 basis because that is what he needs. Don’t let anyone, fellow submissive or Master, try to make you into something you do not need or want to be.

6. Follow your gut feeling about the Master. Even if your head cannot come up with specific reasons not to trust the Man, if your gut is sending up any sort of red flags, listen to it. If you find you are talking yourself into submission to a specific Master, then He is not the One for you. At the same time, learn to recognize the difference between fear of giving up control, which is good and exciting, and uncertainty about a particular Man’s trustworthiness. Most of the Men you meet will be trustworthy and not a problem. But a few will not be.

7. When you meet with the Master, do as much interviewing as He does — but do it respectfully, of course. What are you trying to find out about Him? Several things. Does He respect you as a man? Does He respect you as a slave? Will He respect your limits? Does He understand your level of experience, and will He work with it? Does He have experience or skills in the type of activity He wants to do, or is He just off on some fantasy trip? Do you like this Man as a person?

And, not unimportant, do you find this Man attractive either physically, personally, or because He has something to teach You? (Not every Master has to be a physical fantasy trip. Some may not be but are still well worth submitting to because you will learn a lot and They can give you exactly what you need.)

8. One major thing to look for is whether the Master is concerned about your needs and desires, about what you want to get out of this. If there is little discussion about your needs — if all the talk is about His needs — He is probably not the Man you want for a long-term situation, though He may be great for a quick session focused totally and completely on His desires. If you pick a Man like this to submit to, realize that you will probably need to take care of your own emotional and physical satisfaction. He is not going to give it to you.

9. Never go to a first meeting or session (or even a second or third) thinking that this Master may be good for a long-term relationship or for total control outside of when You are together. You are very likely to find yourself hurt and disappointed if you do. Full or 24/7 control develops over a long period of time — it is not created out of thin air.

10. When considering a Master for long-term or total control outside of sessions, look at the total Man. You are going to spend a lot of time with this Man outside of sessions. Do you like Him that much? Can you deal with all His idiosyncrasies, bad habits, insecurities, and personal baggage on a continuing basis? And if you think He doesn’t have any of that stuff, then you have just not seen it. And if you have not seen it, then you do not know Him well enough for such a commitment.

11. Limits. Have two sets: temporary ones, which you decide when to lift, and permanent ones, which always remain in place. You need to decide what belongs in each set. To help you understand the difference, here are the limits i used to use — and still do if my Master wants me to hunt for outside experiences:

Permanent — Safe sex. No scat. No blood. No drugs. Nothing illegal. No permanent damage physically, professionally, personally, or emotionally.

Temporary — Meet first. No total bondage; either legs or arms must be free at all times. (Yes, I want to be able to kick Him in the balls if I need to — or fight back some other way.) No blindfolds. No gags. Safeword. (We’ll talk about safewords below.)

You are the one who drops these temporary limits — one at a time or all together — as you get comfortable and feel you can trust the Man. You may even decide to drop them in the first session. But use your head, and listen to your gut, in deciding when to drop them, not your cock. If you are still not comfortable enough by the third session with a Master to drop any of your temporary limits, you probably don’t trust Him enough and shouldn’t see Him again.

(Having said all this, i must add that all limits, even permanent ones, go away if you are owned — and owned for a long time! Once the trust is total, there is no need for any limits. But you still choose when the permanent ones go away, not your Master.)

12. Try to get references on a particular Master before you commit to any sort of a session. Leather clubs and organizations are good for this, as are friends and people you talk to online. A good reference from another bottom is better than any sort of assurance from the Master Himself.

What to do if you get a bad reference? Don’t automatically reject the Master. Find out why the reference is bad. It could easily be that the two men simply did not click, or that the Master’s interests did not correspond with the slave’s. This can happen between any two men and is not a sign that either one is untrustworthy or bad in some way. A disregard for safewords, however, or otherwise ignoring limits are good reasons to call it off.

13. When you have your first session with a Master, no matter how well you think you have gotten to know Him, you need to protect yourself in case you have made a bad judgment call. There are many ways to do this. One of the most common is to tell a friend where you are going, the Master’s name, and the address and phone number of where you will be, assuming you have these. Give your friend a time when you will call him to verify that you are okay. Tell him that if he does not hear from you by that time, he should take action to find you.

Make sure, though, that you give enough leeway in the timing so that the Master does not have cops knocking down His door because you thought the session would end at midnight and He was just getting going at that point! Also, make sure you do call the friend if you are all right, even if it is from the Master’s home. Let the Master know you have made this arrangement and when your friend is expecting to hear from you. A good Master will not be offended and will make sure you can place the call.

14. Safewords. Everyone talks about them. Almost every Master says He will respect them. But do not assume that because a Man says He will respect them that He will do so in the heat of a session. Respecting safewords is an easy promise to make — and an even easier one to break. Accepting a Master’s assurance that He will respect a safeword is like assuming the white line in the street will automatically stop every car the moment you walk into the crosswalk. Most Masters do respect safewords, but some do not. Build some trust in a Master first before accepting His assurances at face value.

Here’s a test you can use in the first couple of sessions. When you’re in a difficult position or undergoing some heavy action, make noises indicating it is getting very hard to take and that you need something changed. See what He does. An immediate response from Him is not necessary — He may want to see how far you can go. But a timely response to your distress should be forthcoming. If it is not, don’t assume He will listen to a safe word.

15. When you are talking with a Master online or meeting Him in a bar or elsewhere for the first time, know that you are both doing a seduction dance with each other. And if you both play your roles correctly, you will both get turned on.

Being seduced and turned on is a good thing, but recognize it for what it is. You are both looking for the buttons that the other reacts to, and once you find them, you are both pushing them to get the reactions you want — He in taking control and you in submitting. But seduction is not real life, just a part of it. Wait until you get to know the Man in real life before deciding He is the One you really want to submit to.

16. Play the field. You’ll need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your Prince. One mistake many slaves — especially those who are just “coming out” — make is to jump into serving a single Master exclusively and totally before they have figured out what it is they want and need. Resist this temptation, no matter how hard your dick gets or how fast your heart beats when you first hear a Master speak the words you have only heard in your fantasies before.

Any Master worth His salt is going to be able to get you excited and eager to serve. That doesn’t necessarily mean He is the one to latch onto full time. It just means that while You were together, you clicked. Get lots of experience. Compare the styles and characters of many Masters. Learn from each of them. Learn about Masters and, more important, about yourself and what it is you really seek from your submission. Once you have learned enough, especially about your own needs, then you can consider Someone as a full-time Master.

17. Recognize that a Master without a boy is often as desperate as a boy without a Master. They, too, are human, and They like to have someone They can depend on to play with and be with anytime They want. Plus, Masters generally have good-size egos and like to be able to impress other Masters by saying, “I own a boy” — or more than one.

Because of this, you may get a lot of pressure to make a full-time commitment or to go into full-time training at an early stage of your acquaintance with a Master. Resist this. Do not do it until you are sure that He is the Man you want in this role. Indeed, one sign of a really good Master is that He may offer you a position with Him without pressuring you in any way to make a quick decision. Such a Man understands how tentative and unsure of themselves many unowned slaves are and has enough confidence in Himself not to need a trophy.

18. Do not assume that in the early stages of getting to know a Master that He will feel the same toward you as you feel toward Him. It is very hard for a male to open himself up and become vulnerable to someone else, but this is exactly what we slaves do when we submit to a Master. Doing so provides an amazing sense of relief and satisfaction, and we feel a strong bond with the Man Who has seen us become so open and vulnerable. We feel close to Him and want to be with Him.

But, at least in an early session, the Master does not do the same: He does not lay Himself bare to you just because He plays with you. While He may like you, may have enjoyed the session, and may want to see you again, don’t assume He is feeling the same strong bond with you that you feel with Him. Over time, if you and He develop an ongoing relationship, He will feel this way. But not at first.

19. Do not mistake this bond you are feeling for love. This is why so many slaves decide, after only a couple of weeks, that they have found the Master they have sought for so long. Then they are hurt and disappointed when, a few weeks later, it doesn’t work out. Don’t make this mistake.

Since it is seldom that any of us experience real love in life, we may not know what love really feels like even though we seek it so desperately. As noted above, once you have laid yourself bare in a session, given that much control and submission to another Man, you are going to feel very close to Him. But this is not love. It is simply openness and a bond beginning to form. Enjoy the bond. But remember that real love means you know the Man well — not just the Master but the whole Man — and that you accept Him for what He is, warts and all.

20. Finally, remember that this is all supposed to be fun and satisfying. If it is not, if you find that the Master is causing you to be upset, worried, guilty, whatever — if you are not having fun or being satisfied — then don’t play with Him. Find someone else. Too many boys take this all much too seriously and never really enjoy the hunt, never really enjoy the sex, never really enjoy the submission, never really enjoy being conquered by a Master, never really enjoy any of it. They work too hard and are too desperate.

Go out, enjoy, and have fun. It’s the only reason to do this.

Papa Tony:

Excellent information, essential knowledge for a long term, safe “life” in BDSM.

I remember stopping by a leather bar in Los Angeles, decades ago.  I was waiting for my buddy the bartender to arrive.  While I was drinking a beer, a very small man came up and caressed the singletail whip hanging from my belt.  He was clearly fuckstruck with me (I out-massed him by at least 120 pounds).

The VERY FIRST WORDS out of his mouth were “I’m a no-limits bottom.  I’d let you do anything that you want with me!”  I stopped what I was doing, and gave him a stern, patient lecture, instead of his desired play-date.

I said “Have you ever been whipped?”  “Umm, no.”  Have you ever met me before, or know anything about me?  If I turned out to be a bad man, would you be able to fight me off?  If I decided to tie you up and castrate you, does that sound like a good time?”  “NO!!”

“Here’s a word of advice:  take things slower.  Ask the people around you about men that you don’t know. Get some good references, have coffee together first to check out your feelings and compatibility, and DON’T say things like that to strangers, or you could end up dead in a ditch somewhere.”