Skin Hunger and Maintenance Hugs

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The page listing all of the articles in this series can be found here, 

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Dear Papa Tony, I don’t know how to ask this in a clear or coherent manner because I’ve been trying to understand it for a long time, and I can’t seem to find other ways to describe it. I reach the same place in my head when I read nurturing blogs such as yours: I just wanna be held. What or why do you think that is? I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and thank you for what you do here.

Thank you for reaching out, brother.  It makes perfect sense to me.  I’m in the mood to tell some relevant stories before I get to the main point.  Please indulge a long-winded old man.
You are talking about Skin Hunger.

Getting Back to My Center

When I was going through self-torment during the time when I had just come out to my family, I called my oldest brother.  He did NOT want to talk to me, because he was angry with me for making our mother so upset.

I said “Never mind that - we can cover that topic later.  Right now, I have a special question that only you can answer; what was I like as a child?”  My question caught him by surprise, and he had to do some mental shifting of gears.

He warmed up to the topic right away, and really lit up as he proceeded:

“You were the sweetest little boy.  If somebody was sad, you were the first one to comfort them, even in the days before you started talking.  You were always the first one to dance and sing, any time, any place.  You were a silly, hilariously funny clown. You were never a brat, and you always hugged people as you walked past them, going the other way in that long hallway in our house.”

I thanked him joyfully and kindly, which really threw him for a loop.  He was expecting me to be the bitter, cynical and angry queer leather punk who had come out as gay in a very confrontational way.

He didn’t know it, but he had just helped to drastically transform my life.  That brief conversation was a major pivot-point in my life that helped me to become the man that I am, forty three years later.

Starting Over From the Beginning

I came from a very bad beginning, and I was very damaged.  After trying to kill myself several times, I had been spiraling into despair.  I was right on the verge of accelerating my downfall, just like everybody predicted about evil queers.  If I was going to hell anyway, I may as well go hardcore.

But my conversation with my brother was my desperately-needed lifeline.  I could CHOOSE another path.  I decided to live my life in a childlike (not CHILDISH) way, in MY style, based upon my natural wiring.  I was born to be bountiful, joyful, playful, light-hearted and frisky, but that had been beaten out of me.  My first phase was over, and I could start all over again.

I would treat everyone like they were a beloved sibling.  I would look for the good in others.  I would learn (eventually) how to cry without shame, whenever I needed to.  Therapy helped.  A LOT.

And, I became entirely available for hugs.  Not stiff, awkward “A-Frame” hugs, where you only make contact at the shoulders.  I am all about the full-on, joyful and authentic embrace.

I am a pretty perceptive man, and I would never impose an embrace upon somebody who didn’t want one.  That would be creepy, and I don’t want to ever be creepy.  I might offer a hug by using body language (holding my arms open a bit, with a quizzical look on my face), or I might say “Are you the type that hugs?”

This makes it their choice.  They can decline, and I don’t mind.  I do not attach my own self-worth to their decision.  That way, I don’t lose heart and stop reaching out as the years go by.

For me a hug is a time to be glad to know somebody, or to meet them for the first time.  In the Mankind Project, I learned how to “hold space” with somebody - to be fully present with them, because they are important and valuable.  I breathe with them during the hug, and give an honest blessing that is in my heart at the time.

My hugs are legendary, according to the folks who know me.  Even posing for a picture always involves an embrace.

The Distinction Between Bounty, and Scarcity

When my husband and I were first dating 28 years ago, we were at a country-western gay dance bar.  His friends approached him and asked “What’s it like to be dating a SLUT?!??”

He was baffled, and said “What do you mean?”  They said “Look at him, over there.  Everybody is hugging him!”  He came over and told me about it, asking for my opinion.  I laughed and laughed, but not in a mean way.

I said “I am not promising these people penis, nor am I promising them money.  I am bountiful by nature.  I feel that there is enough love in the world for everyone.  Who WOULDN’T want to be admired for being kind?”  He liked that.

Yes, I have been a slutty, unapologetically sexual being my entire adult life, but that’s a DIFFERENT story. 😈

“Scarcity” is a zero-sum game.  If I can deny something good for somebody else, then that means that I get to keep that good thing for ME.  If they fail because they didn’t get what they need, then that’s no skin off MY ass, right?

Nope.  I am ALL about “Bounty,” where we can cooperate, share, and create enough love, respect and trust for everybody.  Over the decades, a few folks have made a foolish assumption about me…
I am sweet and trusting by conscious choice (”Happiness Is  A Choice That We Make Every Day”), but I’m also nobody’s doormat.  If I detect somebody trying to take unfair advantage of me or others, then I put a definitive stop to that action, toot sweet!

The Distinction Between Sex, and Intimacy

Sex is easy.  It’s everywhere to be found.  With a bit of practice, we can ATTRACT someone.  The trick is learning how to RETAIN them.  With my bountiful nature, that has never been a problem.  Men are drawn to me, because I am free of the usual inhibitions about intimacy.

There are four heterosexual men in this photo.

Periodically, I teach classes.  I teach Tops, Doms, Sirs, Masters and the like.  It’s delightful, and gives my life purpose.  One of the ice-breaker classes that I include in a semester is called “Sex vs. Intimacy.”  Men NEED that class.  We can be so emotionally stunted because the larger culture forces us apart, and we don’t get the cuddles, support and intimacy that we crave with other males.

If I am teaching in a group situation, I always find ways to make it an intimate experience, by having others be in contact throughout the session.  This is incredibly easy to set up, because the men gladly want to join in, at long last.  They just needed the invitation.

Other Resources

I have heard very good things about various Men’s Groups, such as Body Electric.  If anyone can recommend more, please provide some links in your comments below.

93 Percent Of Straight Men In This Study Said They’ve Cuddled With Another Guy.

Folks are even paying for hugs.

Maintenance Hugs

This is where I bring it all back to your original question, brother.  If it’s hard to find the words, then it means that you have not yet upgraded your social circle.

So, be what you need.  If folks around you aren’t in the habit of hugging, then it’s clearly time for you to be a bountiful soul.  Let your beautiful light shine, without withholding or shame.  There will be folks who don’t understand.  We can’t live our lives at the effect of other people’s opinions, and be emotionally healthy, too.

Over time, you will find that the majority of folks are starving for hugs, trust and honest friendliness, just like you.  Folks respond beautifully to the sensitive ones who create the affectionate theme for others in a conscious way.  I have proven this, thousands of times.

When I was growing up, there was a saying:

“Human beings need a MINIMUM of seven hugs a day, just for maintenance!”

I agree with that opinion.  I do my best to live by it, decade after decade.

I Am A Sir With No Need for Force, Discipline, or Abuse

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Anonymous said: Hello SIR, I’m a bit confused by Your latest post?? You teach Doms almost daily how to use disciplinary tools safely and correctly, but You don’t discipline Your subs with the same tools?? Forgive me if I sound ignorant SIR, but I thought using things like whips, which can cause a lot of pain, were for disciplining subs, as well as flogging and heavy spanking? That’s why I’ve always been afraid of them.

Papa Tony: 

Thank you for your excellent question, Anything that I can do to dispel the mysteries of kinky play is a step forward out of the darkness.

I do not use discipline. I do not use kinky toys to punish, stress, humiliate, threaten or harm. The last time that I spanked somebody in anger was over four decades ago. I talk about it here. If you watch my videos and listen to what I am saying, you will understand more about the ways of the non-abusive Doms:

My History Defines Me

When I was growing up, I was beaten up by my father, hundreds of times… Broken bones, bruises that kept me out of school for weeks at a time, and random, savage cruelty (mental, physical and emotional abuse) that finally stopped when my mom kicked him out of the house. I was thirteen at the time.

During my entire life until he died, he never hugged me, expressed affection or approval, or used my actual name - I was “the asshole.” My nine siblings have confessed to me that they were deeply relieved that I was the focus of our father’s abuse, and that they weren’t. I was playing the unwilling role of the family’s “Designated Sick Person.”

I am not revealing this as a cry for sympathy. I don’t need it. I have done the therapeutic work that I needed to do, in order to come to acceptance of my past. My early life forged my character as a man. I chose to be the opposite of what I had experienced. I made conscious, adult decisions to become the kind of man that I had yearned to know in my life.

After leaving home, I found many, many fine role-models. I patterned upon THEM, and I am glad that I have turned out this way. I still suffer dark periods in my life, over half a century later. With the loving support of my Leather family, I bounce back.

My Protective Nature

As I have said before, I do not use abuse in any form. This is because I know the cost, from the other side of the belt, the hateful, scornful words, or the back of the hand. In all of these years, I have recoiled from ever doing anything abusive. I am allergic to it.

I don’t abide abuse in others, either. I made a conscious, irrevocable choice to be a champion for others who need help. 

 
A CHAMPION!!! Is Not Always A Safe Thing To Be

Six human beings are walking the earth alive today, because I threw myself into mortal danger and saved their lives in three separate instances. I couldn’t NOT do it, and I would do it again. This is not a prudent or sensible thing to do.

And, it is how I live my life. I am the first one to call a halt to any form of impending harm. I call myself “Clark Kent,” because the moment that I see abuse, the shirt rips open and I go into Superhero Mode.

I Can’t Speak For Anybody Else

I would love to hear from other Sirs who don’t feel the need to use abusive techniques on their subs. There are a lot of us, but we are being painted with the same bad image portrayed in kinky porn. I don’t expect others to have shared my own path. We all come to this Ethical Dom experience in our own way. 

My Recent Posting Went Viral

I previously wrote a post that is the other half of this topic, called “Approval-Based Doms.” Folks liked it well enough, but all of a sudden, it has received a sudden spike of likes and re-blogs. I hope that its positive message never stops rippling outward in the world.

Approval-Based Doms

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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Papa Tony:  I am “approval-based.” I am a very, very kinky Sir. And, I can’t imagine why I would need to use punishment, discipline or disapproval.

There is a huge market for stern disciplinarians. My wish is that they all get exactly what they are seeking. I’m just not that guy.

When I express a desire, my subs SNAP into position, and make it so. When I say “Excellent work, slave. I am satisfied”, I know that they would turn heaven and earth upside down for further praise and validation.

They wag their pretty tails. A LOT.

The key is authenticity. I would never, ever disrespect a sub by bullshitting him. I don’t blow smoke up his kilt. If something is valuable, praiseworthy and satisfying, I have a goal of never letting that moment pass unremarked.

If something that I need to say is

• True,

• Necessary, and

• Kind,

I say something about it, RIGHT NOW. I don’t let it pass unremarked.

A lot of that philosophy has roots in my own past traumas. I have been to too many AIDS funerals (two or three a week, for years) where I was feeling horrid because I had never TOLD that man how important he was in my life.

I made up my mind a long time ago to be as transparent as water… To share my own blessings, and to never hold back when it comes time to bless others. I am sure that some people were creeped-out by such unusual behavior. I accept that.

However, the vast majority of folks are starved for somebody who can give them permission to be just as positive and life-affirming. This work just as well in kinky relationships, with strangers on the street, and in every other kind of interpersonal dynamic.

Sure - there are folks who won’t buy what you’re selling. That’s fine. The goal is not to please EVERYONE. That way lies madness. Just be clear with who you are, and make a choice to be the best human being that you can be. 

 That way lies popularity.

The Importance of Male Embrace & Touch

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serviceorientedsub:

The importance of male touch cannot be overstated. Sadly, as we grow into adulthood, we are told to let this go. We horse around as kids. We play sports that bring us together. We belong to frats. We have best buddies we sit on a couch with and do nothing but chill.

Then men are expected to leave this aspect of their lives in order to spend all of their time at work or with family.

Gay men have the advantage here. We get to have more physical contact with our friends and buddies. i wish i could convince the straight guys of the world to commit at least two hours a week to being naked or physical with other men. There doesn’t have to be sex involved. It will refresh your soul and remind you that you are part of a brotherhood of animals.

see the MEN i worship: http://serviceorientedsub.tumblr.com/

Touch, like bondage and pain, is a tool to connect us to our bodies. It has tremendous power to heal us and bond us

Papa Tony:

“Skin Hunger” is a real thing. I have taught many men’s classes on the distinction between “sex” and “Intimacy.” Mostly, the men are gay, but in this particular class there are a few heterosexual men in the picture:



I am able to connect well with a lot of straight men. Word gets around that I have no interest in being all “Hands and Glands” with them. So, I will attend pansexual kinky people’s social events. The ones who approach me for my patented embraces are the male dominants. Over and over, multiple times in one evening. They lay their heads on my chest and give out a deep sigh.

What makes my hugs so popular? I don’t do the “A-Frame” hug: HiHowaya-slap-the-back-dismiss. ick. I do an actual embrace. They last at least five seconds, sometimes more. I breathe with them. During that time, I am being PRESENT with them. I am glad to know them. I “hold space” for the entire time, treasuring their presence in the world. I’m not thinking about tomorrow’s schedule. I am with them because I like them.

I also will bless them with whatever is true for me. If I admire that man, I tell him so, and in a detailed way. The gay-male kinky community doesn’t have many elders who bless. There are even fewer in the hetero-kinkster side of things.

Kinky Doms are expected to KNOW things automatically, as if wisdom was built into their “Y” chromosomes, and it is NOT. Being the One In Charge can be stressful, when you are trying to hold it together all on your own. So, a loving hug from a kindly brother is always, always appreciated.