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If we want better-mannered brothers, we need to stop driving away elder male role-models.
By Papa Tony
I have no intention of becoming a political writer, so this is not that.
I am writing this from the perspective of a mentor, role-model, and former community leader.
At the time of this writing, former Vice President
Joe Biden is being raked through the coals. I'm not going to spend much time on the politics of personal takedown during a presidential election season. This ain't a game of beanbag-toss, and everybody wants their candidates to win, sometimes at any cost.
I get more hugs than anyone else that I have ever met. Go ahead. Call me creepy. It says more about you, than about me.
My History
I came out in 1975 as the first openly-gay person in my family's entire history, and it was rough. I would do it again, because I opened up the conversation for the members of my family who followed. They have had a much easier time being accepted.
I was raised in a large family, with a weak mother and a violently abusive father. I should have turned out the same, but I made adult decisions early on, and chose a diametrically-opposite path. I consciously chose to be kind, to treat everyone as my favorite sister or brother from the first time that I met them, and I chose to become wiser with every experience.
I stopped counting at 140 lost loved ones, when AIDS killed the men around me. I was there in the middle of the worst of it. This should have killed my soul, and the PTSD lives with me still. It took me decades to recover, and I struggled to learn from what I saw in the wreckage of my community.
As I stepped into leadership, I set a goal of creating safe spaces where everyone present would be warmly, affectionately welcomed and included. I specifically wanted joyful laughter and copious, authentic hugs everywhere. Those happy behaviors would be my tangible proof that I had succeeded in bringing some healing to a community that needed it badly.
When welcoming the new, the shy and the unsure to thousands of social events over the decades, I consciously used my privileged status as a tall white, extroverted, cisgender male to bring extra support to those who were NOT like me. I was loathe to allow an "A-List" mentality to turn any event into a clique of the 'worthy" ones over there, and everybody else wondering why they bothered to show up.
I created spaces where everyone was celebrated for having worth and a kind heart. I went up to every new arrival, and gave them a specific welcoming speech, paraphrased here as:
"You are wanted, and welcome here. You are going to fit in just fine, and I am here to help you to do that as soon as possible. Here is how to understand what makes this group so different."
Not everybody went along with the plan. Around five percent of new folks found me to be creepy, and left, never to return. I am certain that they interpreted my Saint Bernard Puppy friendliness as inauthentic, or malignant, or whatever else my appearance and mannerisms triggered in them.
That's fine. I wasn't interested in making EVERYONE happy. That is a fool's game, and leaves nobody happy. Instead, I wanted everyone present (myself included) to be joyful, playful, frisky, light-hearted, childlike (NOT childish) and free to be fully self-expressed.
My events were successful and numerous - I created and hosted over 3,000 of these wildly-diverse, relaxed gatherings, before I became too old to do it any more.
Hostility and Takedown Politics
I was NOT welcomed by others who were in leadership positions, who saw my life's work as a threat, and my influence as a problem. When so many gay men died, there were women of color in my local community who saw this as a glorious opportunity to drive away white males, and to insert people of color into leadership positions. They vigorously pursued this project for decades.
I get the underlying goal, and I wouldn't mind it at ALL, except that they saw the local community as a zero-sum game. I was attacked relentlessly for years and years, using gossip and slander:
- I was supposedly HIV-positive, and intentionally infecting innocent people.
- There had been a murder at my house.
- People had witnessed me breaking other people's limbs, and I was stalking others with a knife.
- I was a bad man, and "No doesn't mean NO for him!"
- The list goes on and on.
WHY were people slandering my good name? Because I was well-respected, influential and The Wrong Type. This made me a threat to the local hegemony. Dozens of equally well-intentioned white males had risen up over the years, started to become effective, and were then driven away in tears, never to return. They didn't deserve being discriminated against.
EVERYONE WITH TALENT DESERVES A CHANCE.
REVERSE DISCRIMINATION IS STILL DISCRIMINATION.
I like to joke that I had been "voted off of the island" hundreds of times, but never went away. It took an enormous amount of stamina and guts to continue doing good works, to
never retaliate (what would be the point?), and to keep going with a loving heart.
Life as a Community Elder
Now, at this end of my life, I get a lot of love from the thousands of folks who I warmly welcomed into the larger community. I get hugged wherever I go, and I spend between twenty and thirty hours a week mentoring others. Who do I help? Anyone who reaches out. If they are kind, perceptive and want to make a difference in the world, they read my writings, they sense a kindred spirit, and they reach out, from Bangkok, Edinburgh, Savannah, Winnipeg and many other locales.
I always reach back, and I am always glad that I did.
Getting Back to the Creepy Thing
My husband of almost 29 years was NOT raised in a culture of hugs. I was shocked to find out that my in-laws didn't like to be hugged. Ever. From my perspective, I saw them as emotionally stunted, and felt sorry for them. From their perspective, I was peculiar, and way too much of too much. They have adapted, and so have I.
When somebody says "
You need at least eight hugs a day, just for maintenance," they are talking about ME.
I don't force hugs upon anyone. I offer hugs, but most of the time, I don't have to. The hugs come to me. I get immobilized for my birthday, every year. I will show up to a large holiday annual event, and as soon as I arrive, a small crowd will gather around me and envelop me in a group embrace. I will hold space with them, be present, treasure them, and after a time, I will bless them and move on, just to have it happen again and again.
In all of these years, I KNOW that some folks don't share my nature, and I have respected that to a stringent degree. The last thing that I want is to force myself upon others. A little bit of me goes a long way, and there is a LOT of me. I use my big perceptions to gently approach others who don't know how harmless the huge, scary-looking man really is. I sincerely doubt that I have been one hundred percent perfect in my approach, though that was always my goal.
The Need for Positive Male Role-Models
A couple of decades ago, there was a long, praising article in the local gay newspaper, talking about the local shelter for queer youth. My angry retort was published shortly thereafter, and caused a big ruckus.
I was disgusted that their article had failed to mention that the new female director of the shelter had immediately fired every male staffer and volunteer, and replaced them with women. How did I know this? My gay foster-son had told me so, and it pissed him off. He had lost positive role-models because it was considered perfectly fine to block young males from older males. Only women can raise non-toxic males!
Great theory, but it doesn't work. Yes, young men need Mommies, but they need Daddies, too. If we treat all males with suspicion, then we teach fear to the new generations, and the toxicity just gets worse. How are young men going to know what it takes to succeed in the world, when males in general are under a dark cloud from the get-go?
What is the Fix?
Yes, I know - My work as a conscious role-model isn't encountered very often, but if our culture is going to get better, we want to
identify, praise and encourage good men as visible role-models. It's counterproductive to only point at the bad ones and say "GET HIM, everybody!" It is also a terrible idea to drive away any man because he is imperfect.
I have done a lot of work with the
Mankind Project, which is a support-system for men so that we can be better human beings, and get the emotional support that we need. More and more groups like this are forming. If we are going to have a better, more functional future, we need to shift radically in a direction that is positive and supportive of the man who is respected because he is respectable, admired because he is admirable, honored because he is honorable, and loved because he is lovable.
We DO exist. It's time to notice.
