Ritual Conditioning

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aphyr: I related to SIR this morning that I’d jerked off in an effort to get a little more sleep, and he asked me whether I’d come without permission. We hadn’t discussed any sort of control over my sexual habits until that point–and then, suddenly, several things clicked into place.

SIR’s choice of where to add constraints and ritual into my life aren’t just fetishes in themselves. He applies control to the things I enjoy most: lifting, fucking, eating–conditioning me to associate him, and his power over me, with my most pleasurable and valuable experiences.

I’m used to direct associative conditioning–my first SIR, for instance, turned my nipples from what-are-these-random-bits-of-hardware-buried-in-the-back-of-the-misc-drawer to reliable instigators of arousal, by squeezing and tugging on them to the point of pain while I jerked off. Now I love having them played with.

I’ve also experienced both reward and punishment-driven operant conditioning–it’s usually obvious when that’s going on. If I’m a good boy, he’ll reward me with head-scratches, affection, food, toys, etc. One tries to make the link between behavior and reward as immediate and obvious as possible, either by rewarding immediately after the desired behavior, or through directed recall.

If I disobey orders or let my Master down, he might remove privileges (negative punishment) or hit me (positive punishment). If he hits me, he’ll hit me hard. While reminding me exactly what I did, how it made him feel, and what I should do next time. It’s a short, intense, focused experience. I should note, for readers not accustomed to healthy S/M practice, that this kind of punishment is consensual and enjoyable at a metalevel, even though it hurts like hell. It’s also distinct from a pleasurable beating, where the goal is to enjoy the sensation, endorphin rush, and headspace. If anyone ever strikes you and you’re not enjoying it on some level, they need to stop.

Anyway, what I realized today was that SIR’s choice of where to apply control isn’t just linked to what he finds hot or rewarding personally. It’s also designed to bring a focus on him into my favorite activities, strengthening my positive association with his control. Yes, he loves watching me eat from a bowl on the floor–it’s degrading and hot for both of us–but it also reminds me that he’s in charge of food, and food is one of my favorite things in the world. Now SIR is a part of that.

And that power recirculates: as fulfilling SIR’s control becomes a stronger desire independent from untrained stimuli, we can use that desire to reach both of our goals. I’ve wanted to be huge and powerful ever since I was a kid, and SIR wants a submissive musclebound pup. The hunger to obey SIR, as an external locus of control, helps me focus on eating, on sleeping, on maintaining good form and training to exhaustion every time. SIR wants me to fist him and take his fist, which has never done much for me intrinsically–but as our training deepens, I find that experience more and more desirable. And the association of pleasure with obedience helps me transmute the pain of a whipping into deep satisfaction.

All of this relies on SIR’s judgement being sound; on him knowing, valuing, and balancing my desires and capabilities with his own. As in Aikido, our mutuality stems from my ability to extend trust, and his ability to extend compassion. It’s one of the things that makes S/M so deeply enjoyable for me.

What Does A Typical Edging Session With You Look Like?

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temptingdominance:

Well I would hope that nothing is ever typical. I want each session to be filled with new experiences and evolving dynamics. But that being said, I will share how I would generally approach a “garden variety” edging session.

I would normally restrain a boy.

It is certainly possible to edge a boy when he lays flat on the couch or the floor. However, what is the fun in that? It helps to heighten a boy’s experience when you take away his mobility, when you put his body entirely in your care. I lean towards tying a boy to the bed, spread-eagle. That way, I have as much access as I would like. If he likes to squirm or may test the bonds, I may add the leather mitts to keep his hands to place.

Obviously get him naked before you restrain him. It is a pain in the ass to deal with clothes once you’ve locked him down.

He will be blindfolded and perhaps gagged.

Always blindfold a boy. It augments his other senses. It makes me keen on the sensations you are applying to his body. If he is overly chatty, loud, or you just want him to be quiet, a gag is a good addition. A ball gag will do or even just stuffing his mouth with his own underwear. However, if I want a boy to focus on the fact that his mouth is made for sucking cock, I will use the pecker gag.

Pro-Tip: Have your gear already set out next to the bed on the floor covered by a towel (so he doesn’t see). This will help you be ready to go once he is restrained. And you don’t waste time.

I start by just touching his body

Remember that edging is about teasing a boy. You want to stimulate him. You are in no rush. You want excite him. Running my fingers all over him. Getting his boy dick nice and hard.

Remember that verbal communication is just as important as touching.

You need to talk to a boy throughout the entire session. You want to get inside his head. You want him whimpering. Tell him what is about to happen to him. Tell him you are going to help him learn to be a good boy. Tell him that his is your fucking little play thing.

Slow Strokes and Listen to his Body

Don’t go quickly. Use lots of lube. And stroke his boy dick. All while talking to him. One of my favorite activities is to make a boy countdown the number of strokes, especially if he has to mumble through the gag.

Listening to his body is so important. The purpose of edging is to bring him closer and closer without letting him cum. One of my frustrations with edging porn is that the guys often just jerk and pause, jerk and pause. Then he just falls over the edge and cums. No. Go slowly. Listen to the body. Teach him to hold it and breathe.

You need to be the person that decides when he releases. (And he should ask for permission).

Play with his hole

Almost always during an edging session, I will play with a boy’s hole. I think it adds to his stimulation. At a minimum, I will finger him. I will usually set out some toys to use on him a well. Or keep him plugged while I stroke him.  Or an aneros which I will use in conjunctions with vibrating toys.

Toys on his boy dick

I love my magic wand. It is one of my favorite toys. It is so helpful in an edging session. And when I want to see him struggle, I will put the device right on the head of his boy dick. He will certainly tug on those restraints. You can also use a vibrator or any other stimulating toys.

Plan for a little more

I do like to incorporate other elements into the edging session. Just to keep a boy on his toes. It makes it more fun for the both of you. Add the nipple clamps. Use some clothes pins. Drag the riding crop across his body. Use ice cubes on him. A little icy-hot on his boy balls. Again remember the point of an edging session is to stimulate him.

Take a Break

Sometimes when a boy does get really close, I put a cool towel on his boy dick and leave the room for ten minutes. The come back and start all over again. This can be really good for driving a boy wild and making the session last. Note however, some boys once they go soft during an edging they may not get hard again. You just need to recognize this risk. Edging can cause a sensory overload.

Cumming with your permission

When you do get to the point that you want him to cum, make sure you have him ask and you grant it. Then stroke firmly until he explodes. Do NOT stop stroking when he starts cumming. As a Dom, you need to work out every drop. It will be sensitive. He might trash around, but you need to empty those boy balls.

Clean Up His Mess

Finally, you do not untie him until he has cleaned up his mess. Take out the gag and feed it to him. Make sure he swallows every drop.

Pro-Tip: His mouth may be dry from being gagged. It might be difficult for him to swallow. Have a glass of water near by for the boy.

There you have it. That is typically what would happen in a edging session with me. I hope it is helpful to you Doms.

To you boys reading this right now, I know you are drooling.

Milking

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Alexander Martin:

Thanks to reader @flashdoggy for a topic suggestion.

Milking is the act of taking one’s boycock and stimulating him to completion. As always it is important to have a reason for your actions in mind. Is milking a load from your boy a reward for faithfully following your will in staying chaste? Is this a punishment for a chaste boy who did not do his chores for the 3rd week in a row?

Reasons to Milk

- Chastity: Chastity interacts with milking through the obvious denial and later release. If you really want to know a ton about the interaction between chastity and milking you should be following @chirenon. He’s probably the most prolific poster of male chastity on tumblr (he does occasionally post mmf too, so if you’re squeamish be aware). Regardless, some folks believe that a chaste boy needs to be milked for health reasons, others say that’s bullshit. I cannot definitively find an answer (that seems reliable) either way.

- Reward: Milking is a reward usually for boys who cannot or do not desire long term chastity. It’s a reward that they wait for however long they’re locked away, and when they have waited for quite some time for orgasm. Outside of chastity, some submissives take it as a sign of submission to give up control of pleasure to their dominant. In this way a dominant

- Punishment: Chaste men often take great pride in the length of time they’ve managed to stay chaste. If one misbehaves, you can threaten to milk him if he does not shape up. Fair warning though, if your chaste boy takes his chastity very seriously, it would be considered a very serious punishment and if the punishment doesn’t fit the crime you could do damage to your relationship. Alternatively for submissives that are not chaste the punishment side of a milking is when you choose not to stop milking when the orgasm occurs.

Ways to Milk

- Masturbation: A hand with or without lube is standard. If you’re lucky enough to own a stroking toy such as a flesh jack or a gel sleeve those are also fine options. It’s worth knowing what region of the boycock is most sensitive. Sometimes rubbing the head will be all that’s necessary for orgasm. Other times the frenulum (look it up) is the most sensitive spot. The last area that can be worth exploration is the Penile Raphe. It’s the urethral tube that can be seen running along the underside of the penis. Rubbing it in circles, lifting it from the penis and rubbing it between two fingers can be ways of stimulating the raphe.

- Tease and Denial: Better known as edging. Simply put you make a big effort to get your boy as close to orgasm as possible and stop. I do not suggest brinkmanship while edging. I have seen and heard of this mistake a lot. Your objective is to get him close and then back off. Do this over the course of an hour and he’ll be begging you for orgasm. Of course whether he’s earned such a reward or punishment is up to you…

- Over-stimulation: He’s panting, his face is red, and he’s so close he’ll blow his load any second now. You ramp up the intensity and he boils over jizz squirting everywhere, only you don’t back off. You maintain that intensity. He begins to writhe, to squeal, it’s too intense. That is over-stimulation. I’ve mentioned it before in other entries, but I often couple this with tease and denial. It also works well when you present a boy a deal with the devil. You’ll stop your over-stimulation in exchange for a particular task or activity that benefits you. Get creative.

Discipline, In Detail.

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A major part of many kinky dynamics is a focus on discipline. While “discipline” can be a fun part of your everyday activities, it can also mean something more specific in terms of punishment. “Punishment” differs from the general sense of discipline in that it has a specific goal to focus on that changes a submissive’s behaviour.

Many people engage in what can be called “funishment,”—punishment-type activities, like regular spankings or other forms of play, that are not meant to alter the behaviour of the submissive but rather to provide enjoyment to either/both/all parties. However, it is important to distinguish the difference between playful discipline and serious punishments. Punishments are consequences of negative actions, whether this is based on officially-written regulations or unspoken general behaviours like brattiness, defiance, or dangerous behaviours.

The idea of punishment is based largely on psychological research in the area of behaviourism. It consists of techniques that are supported by science to effectively alter the behaviour of an individual. (If you want to learn more about the research behind punishments, look up B. F. Skinner’s work in this area.)

Two types of punishments exist: positive punishments, which add undesired consequences to the behaviour, and negative punishments, which take away desired privileges.

Now, before I get into some specific ideas for punishments, there are some important key points I’d like to make. Please be sure to read all of these before deciding on a specific punishment.

Punishments do NOT negate the right to a safeword. Some people are mislead into dangerous situations by being told they cannot safeword during a punishment. This is completely untrue. All parties have a right to safeword at any time during any kind of play or punishment. Taking away the right to safeword equates to abuse, plain and simple. Don’t ever tell your partner they cannot safeword or ignore their safeword for the sake of punishment. This is not effective and is extremely harmful to your partner’s mental and/or physical well-being.

NEVER punish out of anger. Anger is never a healthy motivation for punishment. Punishments are meant for the submissive’s benefit, at the core. If the submissive’s behaviour has made the Dominant angry, they should have a cooling-off period where they can calm down, think about an appropriate punishment, and resolve the matter at a later time, after healthy discussion about what happened.

Limits are NOT to be used as punishments. Many people have activities they don’t particularly enjoy that aren’t on their limits list. Some people have specific ideas for punishments that suit them best. However, regardless of you or your partner’s experience with punishments, it needs to be understood that hard limits are not punishments. Hard limits are never to be used for punishment’s sake because “hard limit” means “I do not want to do this under any circumstance.” Using a hard limit as a punishment would be an abusive act, as hard limits come with an automatic safeword attached, since they are specifically stated as things the person does not feel comfortable with. Never, ever, threaten or use hard limits to punish a submissive.

Use healthy discretion. This one should seem obvious, but don’t follow through with punishments if rule-breaking was out of the submissive’s control. Say the submissive has a 11PM bedtime, but they recently suffered a trauma or loss and can’t sleep. Let them engage in healthy coping skills instead of punishing them for something they aren’t doing on purpose. Above all else, make safety and well-being a priority.

Make the punishment fit the crime. Punishments that are relative to the defiance are much more effective at changing the behaviour than random punishments. For example, if the submissive cums without permission, try a punishment from the “orgasm control” section. This will better reinforce the reasoning in the submissive and more effectively guide them to make better choices in the future. There are also punishments that work best for specific dynamics like for littles or pets, so be sure to read into those, below.

Aftercare is absolutely required. Like any kind of play, aftercare is required at the end of the scene. This is especially important during punishments because often times, the submissive is consumed with feelings of guilt and disappointment. After a punishment, Dominants need to give their submissives aftercare that includes a conversation about why they were punished, how proud the Dominant is for them taking the punishment so well, and that there are no negative feelings between them. The submissive should leave the punishment scene feeling forgiven for their mistakes and proud of themselves for making things right with their Dominant. Do not leave your submissive alone after a punishment without aftercare, ever! This is highly abusive and can seriously harm your partner.

Humiliation

A great way to get a submissive to stay in line is to humiliate them when they’ve done something wrong. There are several ways to go about this, depending on your dynamic and kinks, but it’s an effective and amusing way to get the message across.

Clothing Restriction

Clothing restriction can be done both domestically and in public. Restriction can be as much as not allowing any clothing (in legal or private settings), ordering a certain amount of skin be showing, or choosing a specific outfit or collar for the submissive. For shy submissives, clothing restriction can be intense. This is an especially good punishment for submissives who have said negative comments about their bodies.

Diapering

For ABDL or little submissives, this can either be a reward or a punishment. Depending on the comfort level with diapers, they can be used as a punishment that ties into humiliation. Making them relieve themselves in only the diaper for a set amount of time or wearing it around the house as their only clothing can be very humiliating for some people.

Sissification

Sissification is a kink that is most common in submissive men. It’s the act of dolling a man up like a girl and humiliating him based on his presentation as such. This can be very effective for some people but can be very problematic to others. Be careful not to use this kink as punishment with trans or gender non-conforming subs without their explicit consent, as it can very easily trigger dysphoria and cause severe emotional problems.

Public Humiliation

Public humiliation can be done in any subtle way that embarrasses a submissive without breaking any obvious laws. Some examples include making them wear an anal plug or remote-controlled vibrator to dinner, public leashing, or making them kneel at social gatherings. Work this idea into the submissive’s specific kinks and limits to be sure it’s just enough to embarrass them, without making them unbearably uncomfortable.

Orgasm Control

Orgasm control is simply that—controlling the submissive’s orgasms. Most of these types of punishments are used for submissives who break rules about orgasms, be it without permission or when they were told not to touch themselves. Controlling orgasms is an amusing way to teach the submissive who their orgasms belong to.

Edging

Edging is the act of getting your partner right to the edge of orgasm, then denying them release. This can be done multiple times, even in short amounts of time. It’s a little psychological torture, best for those who cum without permission.

Toy Restriction

For a submissive, like myself, who is accustomed to using toys during masturbation or play, toy restriction is a very effective punishment. This is especially good for submissives who have a difficult time reaching orgasm without toys, as it makes things very frustrating very quickly. An evil punishment may even combine toy restrictions with a quota of orgasms for the day that they must reach in order to get off restriction. Desperation will sink in very quickly and this lesson will be easily learned.

Forced Orgasms

Forced orgasm is another great punishment for submissives who cum without permission. It turns a great sensation into a torturous experience very quickly. This is especially great with toys like the Hitachi or a Sybian. Focus on a goal—either for number of orgasms, or a specific amount of time. An hour spent riding a Hitachi can really be the most agonizing thing for some people due to heightened sensitivity after each orgasm.

Denial

Denial is the complete opposite of forced orgasms. It’s like edging, but there is no orgasm at the end of the scene. This can be doing while using toys and not allowing the person to orgasm or it can be done by restriction orgasms or even touching oneself for a longer period of time.

Chastity

Chastity, much like denial, is the refusal of orgasms. However, with chastity, the submissive is completely unable to touch themselves, even if they wanted to. Devices for people with penises and vaginas are available to purchase online to assure your submissive is following orders properly.

Domestic Discipline

Domestic discipline includes things that can be done within the home. Some of these include behaviour modifications or restrictions. While some of these can be done outside the home, these are good examples of things for couples who live together can do for punishments.

Chores

Chores not only benefit the entire household, but they can also be an effective punishment for unruly subs. Added chores can be especially fun if you make her clean the bathroom with a toothbrush or make him do dishes with nipple clamps on. Combine with other punishments for your amusement!

Furniture Restriction

Especially fun for people into pet-play, furniture restriction involves limiting where the submissive can sit or lie down. Require that they sit on the ground instead of the couches or sleep on the floor next to the bed if they’ve been defiant.

Caging

Another good one for pets, especially. Caging can be used to make the submissive reflect on their reasons for being punished. Be sure to use a cage small enough to confine them, but still large enough so they aren’t going to hurt themselves by spending too much time in the cage.

Bedtime

A great one for littles! Bedtimes are good for college students who don’t do their homework, or easily distracted adults with work to do. Set up rules that require all obligations get done and enforce an early bedtime to be sure they are well-rested (and easily frustrated) when they don’t follow these rules.

Time-Out

Another punishment for reflection. Time-outs are good for brats and littles because it makes them analyze what they did wrong. Put them in a corner or a special “time-out chair” so they know they are being punished. Increase the time or add in other punishments if they break rules more than once.

Sensory Deprivation

Sensory deprivation is a lot like time-out, but can be used for added psychological torment. Plug the submissive’s ears or use headphones, blindfold them, bind them to a bed or chair, and completely ignore them for a set about of time. This desensitizes them and not only makes them reflect on their reasons for punishment, but makes it very uncomfortable, assuring they won’t want to end up in isolation again.

Objectification

Objectification is fun for Dominants who like their submissives in service to them during punishment. Make them kneel and become your footstool or coffee table while you watch TV or catch up on work. This is even better when you make them do it completely naked and/or in front of guests.

Dietary Restriction

If a submissive has done something against the rules, you can make them follow a strict diet. This is especially useful for those using behaviour modification to lose or gain weight. However, be careful to ensure the submissive is still getting enough nutrition. For littles, see how much they want to be a brat after you take away their dessert privilege. For pets, try making them eat out of a bowl on the floor for each meal.

Speech Restriction

For disrespectful submissives, punish them by taking away their right to a personal pronoun, making them refer to themselves as “this girl,” “Your slut,” “Master’s puppy boy,” or anything else you want to use. You can also make it a rule that they must refer to you by your Dominant title at all times, even in public. Having to remember their restrictions on speech will keep them thinking about their punishment all day.

Corporal Punishment

Corporal punishment is enforcement by physical contact. These types of punishments involve pain, which is a tricky subject for punishing. Typically, pain punishments don’t work as well to change behavior, especially if the submissive is also a masochist. Be sure to carefully choose what kind of pain if you’re going with one of these methods.

Impact

If your submissive likes thuddy pain, use stingy pain. If they like stingy pain, use thuddy. Push their limits carefully, but make it clear this is a punishment and not for fun. Have them apologize as you strike them. Tell them why they are being punished and make it clear that they are to be good and learn from their mistakes.

Rice Kneeling

Kneeling on uncooked rice is an age-old technique that leaves painful marks. Be careful with time, as this can scar if done for long periods of time or used constantly. Be present during this to be sure the submissive can take it and listen carefully for safewords. Use this as a time out or have them recite an apology to you as you do this.

Figging

Figging is done by carving a plug out of ginger and inserting into the anus. This causes a stinging pain that ranges in intensity depending on the person. Frozen ginger is a milder form of this punishment.

Writing Assignments

Writing assignments are usually meant to bore a submissive into obedience. Whether it’s writing lines or a random homework assignment, the punishment focuses on making it undesirable for the submissive to misbehave.

Lines

Writing lines is effective if you use it reflectively. For example, for a submissive who is disrespectful, you can have him write, “I will always be polite around my Sir,” a hundred times. For a submissive who cums without permission, you can order, “I will ask permission from Mistress before I cum,” until they fill up five pages. What’s even more fun is making them be stuffed with a toy or on their knees with nipple clamps on while they write.

Apology Letter

An apology letter is a simple task meant to make the submissive think about what they have done, analyze why it was wrong, and have them apologize formally by writing it down. Have them read their letter to you our loud or crumple it up and put in their their underwear for that added perk of remembering all day that they were punished.

Essay

An essay is a good assignment for submissives who don’t seem to understand their rules. Make them come up with reasons as to why these rules are in place and write a formal essay about the reasoning and purpose of these rules. Making them analyze the fact that this is for their benefit will remind them that rules are not just there to be mean, but to guide them to healthier behavior.

Homework

Especially fun for people with school girl or teacher fantasies, assign a random homework assignment. Ever wonder about a certain subject but never have time to actually research it? Assign a paper to your submissive about a subject of your choosing and have them report back to you—because knowledge is power! Grade their paper and reward/punish again as necessary for the quality of their work.

It’s important to remember that reinforcements are also important in addition to punishments. When your submissive follows directions, reward them. Give them a treat or praise them and thank them for being so good. If you mix positive reinforcement with punishments when necessary, they’re sure to be trained in no time!

Full-Body Orgasms, In Less Than Sixty Seconds. Using Nothing But Your Voice

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An advanced, kinky technique called “Orgasm Control.”

Introduction: Setting The Goal.

I have two male slaves. They are both sixty years old. I have been training them for years, using positive reinforcement, keen observation and fierce, unswerving determination.

I have them both trained to go from completely flaccid, to full-body orgasms in less than sixty seconds, while using nothing but my voice. I have done this many, many times.

When an earlier submissive was 61 years old, I made him have seven orgasms within a two-hour play-period, until he begged me to stop… “It feels like my spine is coming out of my cock!”

I can also issue a command for them to cum during a play-scene, and they will, within seconds.

This has NOTHING to do with penis size, or any other physical characteristic. It’s sheerly seduction, and the power of the mind.

It Ain’t Bragging If It’s True

The purpose of this article is to teach other Doms the same techniques.

FIRST, you have to KNOW that such results are possible. None of these sexual trainings are ever featured in porn. You can search the Internet all day, and not find similar information, because it requires subtlety and perception. This is advanced-level stuff.
Controlling Orgasms

Each of the sexual results that I listed above, fall under the topic of Orgasm Control. It’s a definite and desired specialty. It’s a perversion that is all about domination. The current conversation about Cum Control is nearly all about cock-caging. I’m a big fan, but cages are sort of a sledgehammer technique. I will be teaching in a very different direction.
My History

Where did I get the necessary techniques? Well, I didn’t make them up on my own. Back in the 1970′s, I had gone from enduring a repressive childhood, to openly gay, and then eagerly diving DEEP into the gay-male Kink/Leather/Fetish crowd.

As I have said before, I have Topped an enormous number of men, at hundreds of huge fist/flog/fuck-parties, and in smaller groups. Afterward, I would always ask “How could I have done that better?” Many of the men back then were deeply experienced sexual athletes, and they would gladly answer my questions.

I was using sex to draw men of all ages closer to me, and then get my REAL payoff, which was earned wisdom. I was ferociously driven to improve my abilities. Unlike so many men who enjoyed those times to the fullest, I didn’t die. So, now I will reveal what I learned….
Investing For The Long Term

If you are still in the phase where you are “liberating your dick,” (interested primarily in QUANTITY of sex), then these instructions might be arriving too early for you. Bookmark this page, and go have a great time. That’s a natural and normal phase.

Once you have transitioned naturally to the search for QUALITY in interpersonal dynamics, come on back and try again. I say this seriously, because there has to be a deep desire to rock a long-term, collared submissive’s world… To metaphorically lift off the top of his skull, find the big, red button in his pleasure center, and then JAM your thumb down on it.

The way that you start is by being in a long-term, mutually-investing relationship. Wildly-successful Orgasm Control usually (USUALLY) isn’t possible with a casual, one-time fling, though I have accomplished it. I will explain how, later.
Interviewing The Sub

Let’s say that you are a Dom Top, with a freshly-collared submissive male, who wants very badly to please you. His whole life is focused upon your pleasure. It’s time to get some information.

Demand feedback at all times. Before, during and after a scene. Pay attention to what words or concepts get him the hottest. Notice the patterns of his desires, even if he doesn’t realize what he is revealing. Drill down to what really rocks his world.

Example: If you have issued orders for him to send you an email with five fantasy scenarios that excite him, even if they scare him, you might notice that nearly all of them bring up some form of basic, narrow desire: immobilization, or gangbangs, or breath control. That’s a good start. Keep that in mind for later.

No two subs are the same. Your goal is to learn everything that you can about THIS one.

I Am Not Describing A Chinese Menu

A lot of times, an eager Sir will veer toward becoming a Service Top, where the effort of pleasing the sub can be all about the sub, to the point of forgetting about our own needs. The trap that we can fall into is where we get the sub’s fantasies presented to us on a plate, and so we pick one from Column A, and two from Column B. This is called the Chinese Menu approach.

I urge my fellow Sirs to step away from that trap. The goal is to make note of what the sub wants, and then to add your OWN desires to the mix, so that we are gently training the sub to expand his basic desires into new, exciting and pleasurable areas. 

 
The Positive Feedback Loop

This is best accomplished by using ONLY pleasurable rewards. Inflicting unwanted stimulation provides negative response, so we don’t do that. If you are going to attain the result of playing your sub like a violin, then you have to be constantly dedicated to polishing your technique. Each scene needs to build toward the next one.

When I am training a new sub, I make sure that he consciously notices when something wonderful happens. I never miss any opportunity to reward desirable results.

As one example: If he can’t control himself and cums “early” during a scene, most men will apologize. After all, porn orgasms don’t happen that fast, and he is sure that he must have screwed up. Instead, I praise him, saying something like “I LOVE to see a man cum so easily. Men with a fast trigger are the ones who are the most trainable.”

Just like that, I am programming him in a particular direction. He wants to please his Sir, so he lets go of his inhibitions and his old, shame-based judgments about himself. I am creating a new, pleasurable reality for him. The deeper he goes into further submission, the more that he pleases me, and he knows it without question, because I keep rewarding him.

Everybody wins.

Wisteria Vines

I tend to use visual metaphors. So, here is one of my favorites:

When two tendrils of a Wisteria vine meet each other, they twine around each other, and start sharing their growth together. They will grow one way, and then another, but always together.

I use this metaphor as a description of how two dedicated kinksters can enjoy years and years of pleasurable interaction because they are exploring TOGETHER. Shit happens, life intrudes, things aren’t always optimal, and yet, we keep on growing. Together.

So, What Does This Have To Do With Orgasms?

Easy, cowboy… All of this is relevant.

In order for a man to shift away from easy, I’ll-just-jack-off-to-porn patterns of getting off, he needs darned good reasons to do so. When he has a Sir who focuses upon his pleasure, then entirely-new possibilities open up. His envelope of experience keeps expanding. That’s the ideal scenario.

Making Powerful Declarations

Our surrounding culture doesn’t put much positive emphasis on being responsible. It’s kind of a throwaway concept.

Not in my world.

When I get a new sub off, and it’s the best orgasm that he’s ever had, and he’s all astonished and pleased, I make a powerful declaration: "It only gets better.” This astonishes the sub, because he can’t imagine how that could be.

I am the one who really benefits from that declaration - It forces me to keep my word. It is a statement of what I stand for, and what my intentions are for the future. I am a man of integrity. I may not have any logical proof that I will deliver better and better orgasms, but I am wide-open to possibility.

When I happily strive to make it even BETTER for him, time after time, then he relaxes and trusts me even MORE. He drops whatever shields he may have had, because I am demonstrably the kind of man who follows through.

I am programming him to succeed.

Cumming On Command

If I am training a sub to orgasm when I tell him to do so, I plan for it over a period of months. Each time that I succeed in getting him off, I watch to see when he is getting close to cumming, Just before the point of no return, I ORDER him to cum. Well, he was going to, anyway, but now, it had the added bonus of making the Sir happy. That makes HIM happy.

This means that he is being programmed to please his Sir with orgasms. Each time that we do this, it gets easier for him to please me. His old concerns and considerations fade away. He is becoming more animalistic and uninhibited. He starts cumming more wildly, and more thoroughly. Orgasms last longer, and take over more of his body.
Cumming Multiple Times

In some cases (the sub that cums quickly as a natural reaction), I will have trained him to cum multiple times. I shove him right over the edge into complete pleasure, using what I know will excite him the most. We cuddle for fifteen or twenty minutes, Then, I do it AGAIN. He doesn’t have a choice. I am domming him into uncontrolled ecstasy. I am being sadistically pleasurable.

After a few months of relentlessly-dedicated training using positive reinforcement, then I have complete control over all parts of him, including his orgasms, which belong to me, now and forever.
Using My Voice

Hark back to what I said about gathering information about the sub’s deepest fantasies. He has triggers that always push him over the edge. It’s my pleasurable duty or seek these out, and to exploit them.

After rewarding a sub for cumming for my pleasure for a few years, then I can use only my voice while he jacks off. I talk dirty, but honestly. I verbally express my honest fantasies that involve the sub. This makes him go nuts with pleasure. Blam! Time to scrub the walls.

Doing The Same, But With A Newbie

This is ridiculously easy, as long as you understand one thing about subs: Their dirtiest fantasies almost ALWAYS involve gangbangs. If you were to walk into an Adult Store and peruse the porn shelves, a large amount of it involves one sub being fucked by many men. This is hardwired into human sexual natures, despite what we have been taught.

It’s neither wrong nor right. It just is. So, knowing that, we Sirs can exploit that fantasy. I recently wrote about the pleasures of being a Pimp Daddy. Not every sub is ready to do that, and his concerns are valid and important.

HOWEVER, if I declare that we are now entering entirely into the world of fantasy, and that my goal is to get him fucked properly by lots of juicy cocks of different sizes, then BLAM! - He’s so hot that he can’t hold back any longer. I gave him express permission to dive deep into what excites him.

I just used my Dom influence to make him more of a sexual beast.
In Summation

I am not saying that all of this will work for everyone, every time. However, I do say that a strong desire to own every orgasm is how we build success upon success. A deep, laser focus on sexually dominating a sub always pays off big in pure, eager submission. It’s the perfect win-win scenario, and we create it over time.

I also mention it here.

For Tops: Preparation and Seduction, Before Fucking A Newbie's Ass

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Papa Tony:

UPDATE: Wow - This page is in line to become the most-popular article that I've written so far, 24 hours after posting it. It's going really viral, in the USA, Malaysia, Poland, Canada, the UK, Taiwan, Germany, Singapore, France and the Philippines!  Clearly, this is a message that needs to get out there.  I suspect a lot of men are sending this article to their boyfriends.

UPDATE 2:  Here is the audio from the follow-up discussion on this topic.  We have some GREAT new stars among us!  Last time I checked Google Analytics, this article has been read over 300,000 times.

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My goal is to teach the reader how to be a superb Top, with eager bottoms singing his (or her) praises.  The steps that I list below can be accomplished in a few short minutes, or it may take months, but the end-result is a piggy, grateful bottom that can take a cock of any size without drugs, stretching, harm or pain of any kind.  Being a gay man, I write from that perspective, but not with any intent of trying to exclude anybody.

Question: In the event that you play with a bottom who is very inexperienced and hasn't bottomed much (or at all), do you give him a some time (a few minutes or so) to get used to you when you first start to fuck, or do you just thrown him into the deep end of the pool and take him to pound town?

If somebody takes an inexperienced bottom and intentionally takes him directly to Pound Town without negotiating exactly that beforehand, then he deserves to be chased away with rocks thrown at his head.  Why?  Because I have spent the last four decades helping damaged, frightened men to get back in touch with their assholes as sexual playthings, after years of avoidance.  

Too many men are doing what dogs do, which is to jump on, pump, squirt and then jump off. It's great for the Top.

It can easily be terrible/traumatic/damaging for the shy, new, eager and inexperienced bottom.  I speak from direct experience.  I've always had freakishly large, attractive rump-muscles.  My nickname used to be Thunder Buns. So, in my younger days experimenting with gay sex, I'd let men fuck my ass.

I'd bite the pillow, bleed, suffer for days afterward, and regret having given up pussy for dick.  I figured it was somehow MY fault, because I wasn't keeping up. Then, one day, my life changed:

I was off-duty (Navy) and staying off-base in an apartment building.  It was laundry day, and a small, mousy and not-all-that-attractive man was working HARD to get me to have sex with him.  I finally gave in, figuring that I'd throw him a thrill.  Oh, I was so wrong.

He rocked my WORLD.  I basically became his butt-slave for three weeks.  I'm naturally inclined to be a Top, but I wanted to learn from the obvious expert, and he taught me some deep wisdom.  Here is a summary, for those of you who want to be a popular, well-rated Top, with plenty of word-of-mouth referrals:

• ASSUME that the guy you're about to play with, is eager, inexperienced and needing some seduction.  Don't assume that he's an experienced porn-actor who can take anything from anybody. Be pleasantly surprised if he proves otherwise, but it's never a bad idea to start slow and careful.

• Stick a well-lubed finger up his ass, with a SHORT, SMOOTH NAIL.  If I see heteroporn with a woman sticking blood-red talons up a guy's ass, I cringe.  The flesh down there is delicate. There are multiple, excellent reasons for sticking a lubricated finger up there:

• Check to see if he's relaxed and ready.  If his outer ass-ring is CLENCHED, he's not ready yet. The problem is not down in his ass, it's between his ears.  Maybe he's afraid, or he's been hurt before, or he doesn't trust you yet.  So, it's your job to seduce him into relaxing.  More below.

• Adding some well-needed lube.  Dry fucks, using nothing but "spit and determination" are classic porn-video fantasies, but again, we can't assume that our newest partner is at that advanced stage.  As we used to say back in the 1970's, "if it's not dripping off of the ceiling, it's not enough lube!"

• Finding his prostate, AKA "Joy Buzzer #1".  The prostate is a rounded mound on the other end of his dick, inside the ass, and its location can change quite a bit (deep vs. shallow) from man to man.  Its job is to generate the fluid that his sperm swims around in. Properly stimulated, a prostate will generate enough additional fluid to give the bottom "blue balls" after a while, leading to eagerness for more delightful butt-sex. YOUR job is to take careful note of its location, and then to please the hell out of it.

• Checking to see if he's got any poop up there.  Yes, from an aesthetic standpoint, it is unpleasant, but from a relaxed-butt standpoint, it's very unhelpful.  I don't know how scientifically accurate this next assertion is, but it's what I learned a long time ago from some VERY advanced players: There is a bundle of nerves at the base of your spine, that keeps you from pooping when you walk.  If there is poop in your lower bowel, your asshole will clench, whether you want it to, or not.  There are zillions of articles on the Internet on how to douche an ass.

Let's talk about Operant Conditioning, in the context of butt-sex:

I'll call it "Positive Reinforcement", instead.  To train a shy, new, eager bottom to CRAVE more, I have to take him through many steps, with patience and respect, giving rewards for behavior that moves the ball forward, and gently ignoring the stuff that doesn't work at the moment.

As a high-quality Top, MY job is to seduce the bottom.  What does this mean?  Establishing Trust with a Capital T.  Being true with my feelings and thoughts, from moment to moment. Staying in communication.  NOT using "Porn Dialog" ("Fuck Yeah.  Fuck Yeah"), if it's not truly what I'm feeling.

Every one of us has a voice inside our heads, telling us to beware what is happening, or to tell ourselves that we are surely going to fail, or that maybe the guy we are playing with thinks our dick/belly/ass/back is too hairy/big/small/old/whatever. That noise is also in your new bottom's head, and it wants to tell him that he is heading for a brick wall.  YOUR job is to talk openly, honestly and affectionately about your feelings and desires from moment to moment.  Why?  Because it silences and stills the voice inside his head, and he's GRATEFUL for the relief.

If I'm playing with a man's ass for the first time, I reward him for each stage that he attains in his new status as a piggy bottom:

• If his ass is tight enough to sharpen pencils, I will stimulate the OUTSIDE with pleasurable attention, using tongue and fingers.  The dick does NOT show up at this stage.  Oh, no. We don't want any panic at this early stage.  I will praise how well he is doing, no matter how small the accomplishment.  I tell him that I'm okay if we DON'T actually fuck until the second or third date (or a month!), which takes the pressure off of him to catch up faster than he is prepared for, mentally.  It also gives him the pleasurable knowledge that there is more to look forward to, with this REALLY nice, respectful Top.

• If he's starting to relax a bit, I will use the phrase "Breathe me in", while starting to penetrate him with my smallest finger.  If he clenches/spasms, STOP MOVING.  No pulling out, no pushing in.  It's a normal response.  Once his ass stops spasming, praise him for relaxing, and help him to know how he is progressing.

• If he has taken the smallest finger well, slowly pull out, re-lube and then bring it on back in.  There shouldn't be any spasming at this point.  Praise him for being looser than before, but only if you mean it.  He can spot bullshit. Your goal is to take him through the stages, with no rush or pressure.

Why am I taking such a (literally) "slow-poke" approach?  Because of the possibility of PTSD.  Too many men have been damaged by inept Tops.  Always assume that he is begging you to help him get past it.  Continuing:

Here is an animation of me, flaring my nostrils.  Back when I was a kid, I sat in front of a mirror, and kept practicing, until I found the mental "switch" to flare my nostrils.  Here I am, half a century later, and I STILL know where that switch is.

It's the same with an ass.

Normally, we poop (and occasionally, fart) with our asses.  We are NOT born with the knowledge of how to relax our ass.  How do I know?  If I order a man to "RELAX THAT ASS", there is no telling what he'll do in his attempts to comply.  He might get it right, and, many times, he won't.  It's your job to help him find the switch inside his own head, so that his ass can be receptive, welcoming and eager, any time.

To accomplish this noble goal, we generously use praise, when it is earned.  If he graduates to your longest finger, have him go on hands and knees and switch to your thumb, with a nail that is equally smoothly-trimmed and sandpapered.  This is where it gets really FUN.

DON'T offer him drugs, including poppers. They cause the scared part of his brain to get ignored, sure, but they also cause the pain-receptor part of his brain to keep from screaming "DAMAGE!" I'd rather have 1% of true, connected and ecstatic sex, than 100% of the fake shit involving drugs. I remind the reader: I started having sex (with thousands of men) in the 1970's, with the hardest of hardcore players. I know about drugs, and the cost. They truly are not necessary.

So, it's thumb time:  Your goal is to EROTICIZE ass-play for this man, and many times, it will be his first experience of such a thing.  You are doing him a world of good, so press onwards.  Lube up his cock really well, insert your thumb in his ass, and start (gently) twiddling his prostate. Rub in circles directly on top of it.  Or, press on the closest part of the prostate, and rub from side to side.

If he complains that he needs to pee, accept it graciously, but chances are very good that he needs no such thing. He's so unfamiliar with prostate-stimulation that he can't sub-divide the sensations enough to tell what he's feeling.  This will pass.

If your thumb is comfortably, non-painfully inside his ass, order him (in a no-nonsense manner) to start playing with his dick.  If his prostate gets all swollen and rock-hard, tell him to leave his dick alone, because that is a flashing-red-light signal that he is about to cum.  That means that you are being successful in teaching him that his ass is for sexual pleasure. Keep supporting more and more excitement, and edging him closer, but not necessarily to orgasm.

However, if he DOES cum with something up his ass, tell him "Don't hold back!  Give me everything!" Why?  Because you are training him to be delighted that his ass is a source of sexual pleasure.  If he cums as a direct result of what you are doing, you're a hero in his eyes.  This is all to the good.

The next part is up to you:

Your goal is to get him ready for the Main Event, whether it's your cock, or a dildo, or whatever.  If you have a sizable object to insert, the bottom has to be comfortable with a certain number of fingers up his ass first, matching the diameter of the Object of Desire.  This may happen on Date Number One, or it may take patient, multiple trainings over weeks, using ever-slightly-larger toys, or groups of fingers, starting with two fingers, and moving up to three if necessary.

Keep being patient, and keep using the techniques I mentioned above this.  This is training and seduction.  You're creating beautiful new possibilities for a man that wants VERY much to earn your respect, and to give you every kind of pleasure.

What porn does NOT show you: That skinny twink has to get his ass ready with a series of ever-larger dildos, sometimes for hours, before he can take that monster cock.  That process never shows up in the video, because it's not sexy.  However, it's crucial.

You may have noticed something in my writing - I haven't talked about the Top's orgasms.  There will be plenty of those, and they'll be great, because you'll soon be fucking an eager, butt-hungry bottom-boy who LOVES what you do.  First, you have to get the bottom TRAINED.  Set it as a goal that he will NEVER endure even the slightest pain.  He will repay you many times over, and you'll be SUCH a happy Sir!