Sub Drop, Dom Drop and Aftercare:

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Sub-Drop, Defined - I am unsure what you mean by 'sub drop'?  Large amounts of information.

Thoughts on "Dom Drop" - I’ve had several followers ask me if “Dom Drop” exists - and I want to cover that important topic for you guys. So, let’s understand the psychology and physiology of how Doms may similarly experience a “drop” after a session!

Sub Drop - For those who aren’t sure what that is (I didn’t before reading about it on tumblr), sub drop is something that can happen after intense play.

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The following links are from the BDSM Links And Resources, created by desires-of-a-dominant-man on Tumblr. I rescued it from Tumblr's burning wreckage, so that this valuable information doesn't get lost.

He says:

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves:

• Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)
• Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)
• Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)
• Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)
• Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Red Flags in BDSM

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submissivefeminist: In order to maintain a healthy relationship, especially within the BDSM community, we need to be aware of signs of unhealthy behaviour. Of course, these red flags can appear in any kind of relationship—but it’s extra important when you’re in a relationship with a power-dynamic or a heightened risk of injury. Submissives, especially, often find themselves in unhealthy dynamics with no idea how to spot the problems. Dominants, too, are able to experience this. For this reason, I’ve developed an outline of some of the most common red flags I hear from followers and some resources to help you deal with them.

The following are common things a partner might be doing if you’re in an unhealthy relationship:

Insists you do not need a safeword.

While some people prefer to play without a safeword, I will always speak against this practice. Safewords are crucial to a healthy D/s because without them, there is no way to revoke consent and that means you or your partner may not want to continue, but has no way of communicating this.

If your partner insists that you not use a safeword, you need to be firm in saying that will not be the case. I would take extreme caution with playing with someone who has suggested this, as it shows a lack of responsibility for you or your partner’s safety and mental health. Safewords should always be required of everyone in order to play safely. If you don’t want to use them, don’t use them—but always have them in place.

Claims to have no hard or soft limits.

This one is more common with submissives, but Dominants do it, as well. Claiming one has no limits shows a) a lack of experience and/or b) dishonesty. Though some people have more limits than others, everyone has limits. If your partner is insisting they have no limits, ask about something you consider extreme and see if they would agree to it. Communicate the importance of having limits so that everyone is aware of boundaries. No one should go into a scene blind of where the boundaries are.

Pressures you into playing in ways that violate your personal limits.

If you have established limits and your partner wants you to push them, there are two ways to go about this.

1) You express a desire to want to get past a certain limit and your partner discusses ways they can help you with this in a safe and controlled manner as to help you explore your sexuality.

2) Your partner hounds you to do something outside your limits and you feel really uncomfortable about this.

If your situation sounds like #2, you need to either have a strict conversation with your partner about limits or you need to leave the relationship.

A healthy dynamic does not involve true force of any kind. Remember that everything within a D/s is consensual and if your partner is pushing you to do something you don’t consent to, this is unhealthy. Technically, it is abuse or sexual assault. Don’t tolerate this behaviour, and seek help if you need it.

Plays when they are angry or upset.

This is another sign of an abusive relationship. A good partner will not play when they are angry or upset. This can lead to safety concerns, emotional problems, and abuse.

Dominants who are angry and wish to punish their submissives need to take time to think about an appropriate punishment instead of lashing out. Physical violence is never a way to solve underlying problems. The submissive should know why they are being punished, agree that it is fair, and feel forgiven after the punishment.

Submissives who play when they are upset are often covering up mental health problems. While healthy people can play after a bad day and feel much better—unhealthy folks will play to “hurt themselves,” so to speak, and will still feel badly after a scene. If this is the case, the submissive should seek counseling to work out their mental health problems instead of using D/s as a means to self-harm. Playing the sadist to an unstable masochist can end very, very badly. It is dangerous and shouldn’t ever be considered. Put your partner’s mental health above play at all times.

Insists that you address them as a specific title (Sir, Master, slut, fuck-toy) upon first meeting them.

This is a problem a lot of people face with potential partners. Fact of the matter is, you are no one’s slut or Master until you have formed a relationship of some kind with that person and you both agree to these titles. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to address them in a way you don’t like or be addressed in a disrespectful manner.

Does not provide aftercare.

Aftercare is absolutely crucial to a healthy D/s relationship, especially ones involving sadism and masochism. In fact, aftercare is often a defining difference between kink and abuse. Aftercare should be done automatically. If you are in need of aftercare and your partner doesn’t realize it—speak up! Both Dominants and submissive who need aftercare are entitled to it after a scene.

If your partner ignores your needs and does not provide aftercare, you need to leave the relationship. This is an abuse of power and shows a lack of responsibility. You should never leave a scene feeling badly. Aftercare is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. A guide to aftercare can be found here.

Does not respect your safeword.

Safewords, again, are required. If your partner ignores or refuses to respect your safeword, this is assault. The scene needs to end with your safeword, always. Anything past that is no different than continuing after a “no” for relationships without a specific safeword. This is a revoke of consent and anything further without explicit consent is assault.

Never, ever play with someone who doesn’t respect your needs to stop or pause the scene. This is dangerous and highly abusive.

Insists you stop using birth control or barriers during sex.

Some people like birth control restriction with their partner, and that’s fine for stable relationships with intent to care for any child resulting from that pregnancy. However, if you are not intending on getting pregnant and your partner insists you stop using birth control, this is a major red flag. This is abusive and highly dangerous.

Same goes for couples who cannot get pregnant and use barriers like condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. Never be forced into not using these methods. If one person in a relationship wants to use them, they will be used. No further questions.

Initiates play when you or your partner is intoxicated.

Couples can and will make their own decisions on this, and I am not here to tell you anything but the facts. Playing with an intoxicated person is assault. Even if you’re in a committed relationship. A person who is drunk or high cannot consent to sex legally in the US and you or your partner may end up with rape charges, even if the person says “yes.” Contracts and consent prior to intoxication do not hold up in court, either.

To be safe, always wait to play until the person is sober. For your safety and theirs, do not play with an intoxicated person.

Makes you feel guilty for using your safeword.

Never, ever feel guilty for needed to stop. It doesn’t matter if you need to stop because you were triggered or because your leg cramped—never let your partner tell you it’s not okay.

Any partner that makes you feel badly for safewording is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve your trust. It’s emotionally abusive to make someone feel bad for needing to stop play/sex. Don’t tolerate it—you have every right to decide if you need to stop.

Refuses to have conversations about consent/limits/desires.

Communication is so important. If your partner can’t communicate important things like limits, safewords, consent, or their desires, it’s going to be tricky. This is a red flag because it can lead to problems down the road. Relationships are difficult without proper communication—there simply isn’t a way around it. Insist on communicating these important topics or find a new partner who will.

Does not treat you as an equal or disrespects you out of scenes.

Unless you’ve discussed and agreed upon a 24/7 relationship, the scene ends with a safeword or natural progression. This means humiliation and painful physical contact stops there. Submissives who find themselves being put down by their partners out of scenes or at inappropriate times need to evaluate their relationship. Your self-worth will never depend on your partner and no one deserves to be with someone who makes them feel badly without their consent.

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If any of the previous red flags apply to you or someone you love, please urge them to seek help. The following resources can be used in cases of sexual or physical violence:

National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1.800.656.HOPE

Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE

Rape Crisis Network (UK): 44 (0)141 331 4180

Sexual Assault Resources (International)

Shutting Down a Scene

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instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …

“Awhile back you mentioned in passing a Dom shutting down a scene if it got too intense for the sub to be able to use her safe word responsibly. What are the symptoms, so I can watch out for it and be aware?”

This is a great question. First, respect to you for wanting to understand and keep your girl safe. Here’s the thing: we hear all this stuff about “the sub is safe, because she always has her safeword.” And that is true, as far as it goes. But what happens when, in the intense heat of a scene, the submissive has lost the power of rational volition? That sounds fairly nebulous, and probably useless, so let me break it down to some characteristic external markers that I’ve encountered over the years …

Loss of rational speech. Is her speech mumbled, incoherent, and “off-topic”? You need to shut that shit down.

Irrational demands for “more, harder.” If you’ve pushed her to (and possibly a bit beyond) her previous limits and to a place that you know is beyond her tolerance (for pain, intensity, etc) and yet she continues to moan “more …. harder …” then she has dropped too deep into sub space to be a rational player in the scene, and you need to shut that shit down.

“What is your name?” If you think she’s slipped away, ask her “What is your name?” I once had to ask a girl her name three times before I got a mumbled response. If she can’t answer immediately and coherently,  you need to shut that shit down.

Safeword. Above all else, if you ask “What is your safeword?” and she does not immediately respond crisply and coherently with her safeword, you need to shut that shit down at once.

Now, what do you do to bring her back? Hydration, a damp towel, under the covers, and a lot of cuddles and aftercare while talking to her softly and letting her know you’re there and all is well.

Hopefully these “indicators” will help you to keep your scenes Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

There is No Shame in Using a Safeword

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Castrokinky:

I typically don’t need safe words with my boys as I’m very good at reading their contractions from things and adjusting. I check in a lot as well. But I usually have one established just in case.

My hard stop safe word was used for the third time in my life last week. I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to discuss how I reacted as an illustration for others.

In this situation, the boy was tied in a fairly stressful position. We’d been playing for a while and when I decided to fuck him, I went in too forcefully and it hurt him in a not-good way. He screamed and used our safe word.

I immediately pulled out carefully, telling him calmly it was ok and that I was right there with him. I continued talking to him as I untied him, starting with the most stressful ties first. Once he was untied, I pulled him to me and held him, reassuring him it was ok and that I was proud of him. I also thanked him for using the safe word when things didn’t work. It builds trust when I know a boy isn’t afraid to stop a scene if he needs to. After some time, he asked me to continue in a different position, which we did.

I often hear stories from boys who are abandoned or called names by a dom when they use their safe word. I hear from other boys they’re too afraid to use their safe word. My message: Don’t be. By all means, push yourself past what you thought you were capable of but if something really isn’t working, tell your dom or use that safe word. A good dom will thank you for it.

kinkythingsilike:

This is how it’s done. When a boy uses his safeword, he’s trusting you to take care of him. It’s the obligation a dom takes on when a boy gives himself for the dom’s pleasure and use. As I tell boys who are new to BDSM play, there has to be mutual trust for a safeword to work: They have to trust me to respect it, and I have to trust them to use it when they need to. I’d a million times rather cut a scene short than have it go too far.

Not to contradict @castrokinky, who is amazing at what he does, but I try to avoid telling the boy that “it’s okay.” Because for him, in that moment, it’s *not* okay. It’s very much not okay. It’s a small distinction, but I try to tell him it will be okay and that I’m right there for him. When playing with sensory deprivation, the blindfold/gag/earplugs/etc. are always the first things to come off, even before the bondage. I make sure he can feel my body and my presence until I can get them off, by placing a hand on him or by holding him to me while I remove them. I try to use quick release snaps (can be gotten from a tack shop) for any kind of weight-bearing bondage, so that it’s easy to get him out in a hurry.

I cannot fathom how any dom could be so callous as to “punish” a boy for using his safeword. Someone literally trusting you with their life in order for you to use them for your own pleasure is one of the most precious gifts that’s out there. Respect it.

Alexander Martin:

For anyone reading this who might not understand the value of safewords and feel shame in using them? This is exactly why i feel there is NO shame in safe wording.

Responsibility (Landmine Story)

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imlostinvertigo: I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.

I learned the first time that he has a fairly low pain threshold, but I wanted to probe the borders of that a bit more to get a better idea of where I could take us. So I started the session with a good spanking and a little paddling. Nothing too intense, but it didn’t take much to get him to the edge of what he could take. Still, he took it well, and I had fun giving it to him. After we were done, I moved us on to some things I knew he would enjoy more, like having him on the floor licking on my boots. At some point he was enjoying himself so much that he quickly and unexpectedly shot a load all over the floor.

Now, I had given him permission to touch himself, but not to cum. I was glad he had a good time, but I also knew I needed to establish firm boundaries and expectations if we’re going to keep exploring things together. So I calmly but fimly explained to him that he had crossed a line he knew he shouldn’t have, and told him to go get the paddle off of my bed.

I gave him 10 more good licks, making him count each one and thank me for it. I could tell he was struggling with them at the end, which I wanted; I wanted to make sure he understood the concept of discipline early on in his submissive journey. And I was fully expecting to then hold him and explain that his discipline was over, he was forgiven, and we were moving on. But when we got the end, things took a turn.

He started sobbing almost immediately after the last blow. He had turned inward, and the discipline scene had hit on something very deep and very raw. I was disappointed in him. His husband was disappointed in him. His coworkers were disappointed in him. Because he was bad, and he ruined everything….

I had clearly stepped on an emotional landmine. And now instead of it being the ultimately affirming scene I had planned on, he was lost in these powerful feelings of shame and inadequacy. I knew I had to step in and keep him from spiraling down further.

Luckily, I’m pretty good in situations like this. I immediately went over to hold him, touched him gently and told him that far from being disappointed in him, I was vey proud of him! That he had taken his discipline very well, and that meant that all was good again. That he had served me well and I was extremely pleased wth his service. That he was a good boy. That no one was disappointed in him, least of all me. He came back to me, slowly. He finally stopped crying and relaxed in my arms. I asked him what he needed the most right then; he wanted a hot shower. I prepared one for him, got a towel, and hung out talking with him in the bathroom while he recovered.

After that we laid in the bed and cuddled and talked about what had happened. I explained to him that when you start pushing your body in new ways, especially with pain, you can enter into a state of vulnerability that can allow some pretty powerful emotions to come to the surface. That I had been there myself. Many times. That he shouldn’t feel bad about it at all, and that hopefully he actually felt better for having worked some of it out of his system. He left feeling good about it I was just thankful I had been able to help him get through it and understand it a bit.

Having said that. Man. I realized in a new way the responsibility that comes with being a Dom. I care about this boy a great deal, and when I could see how much distress he was in at the end of the scene that I had planned and put him through, I felt awful about it. I’m not saying I thought it was my fault; I didn’t do anything wrong, and I had no way of knowing I was stumbling into a very sensitive area for him. But it was still my responsibility. He was my responsibility. That’s the deal, his service for my guidance and protection. And I could really feel the weight of that responsibility when he broke down. In those first few moments when I didn’t know how far down that hurt had gone, I was really worried and keeping a wave of panic at bay.

I thought a lot about my Master, afterward. I’m one of those people that feels things very intensely myself, and for me good BDSM is a very emotional experience. I have broken down far more severely than what the boy did at the end of more than one hard scene with Master. Christ, I’ve rolled around on the floor and howled like a wounded animal. And every single time, Master has been my rock. Unflappable. He’s always taken care of me, treated me affectionately, given me what I’ve needed, brought me back to myself. He’s always shouldered his responsibility for me in these times with a seeming ease and sense of limitless strength. I could not go to the places I go with Him were that not so.

We submissives/switches should never forget what our Doms do for us, what an awesome responsibility it is to hold the physical and mental well being of another person in your hands so completely. It is not easy, and not for the weak of spirit. In return, we should always give them the best of our service and our utmost devotion and obedience.

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babygirl-1972

He is talking about  responsibility but also talks about how important aftercare is. No matter if it is the first scene with a submissive or a 100th, you have no idea how the MIND will react and what a word, phrase or hit will bring out. As a Dominant you have a responsibility to care for your submissive, talk, and bring them back to themselves.