Lessons for New Dominants

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Alexander Martin:

I spent a few hundred dollars and a number of hours training under a pro-dominant. I do not want to give away all that info out of respect for that dominant and how he makes his living, but there were some things I learned tangentially to his lessons that I believe newer dominants needing direction could benefit from.

- Be yourself: Specifically, I mean figure out whom YOU are as a dominant. You might watch Van Darkholme whip and flog boys and treat them roughly. That’s porn. I also believe he writes out all those scenes himself like a script so he can show them to would be submissives to make sure they’re ok with the described scene. So the porn you’re watching is his style. An expression of who he is as a dominant. It’s erotic because he is himself on camera and passionate about that play.

If you are not the kind of dominant who barks orders. Don’t do that just to fit a fantasy or stereotype. Do it because it’s who you are. Be confident that in the vast world of kink there is someone who will find you baring your dominant soul to the world hot. When you’re completely yourself and behind your own kinks, actions, and presentation nothing can make you feel more confident more powerful. That powerful confidence will catch the attention of everyone.

- Master yourself: You need to know yourself inside and out. Understand your behaviors and understand your kinks. If you can’t explain exactly why something is hot, then it becomes that much harder to communicate to a submissive exactly how you want him to behave to get you hard and ultimately reward him with your jizz. The better you understand yourself the better service you will ultimately be able to extract from submissives. Knowing yourself is something that morphs and changes because you morph and change over time. Knowing yourself is an ongoing process.

- Inspire submission: There is little you can do to a boy to MAKE him submit to you that cannot be classified as illegal if a submissive does not consent to it. That means that truly, the only power we have over submissives is in getting them to submit to us. More accurately, you must behave in a manner to inspire submission. Be sincere in your desire for service and show it by respecting a submissive that approaches you. Listen to what they have to say and prove you’ve heard them. Show you can be trusted and prove you take their trust and submission seriously (in whatever way you express yourself, so long as the message gets across).

- Discipline: It is also extremely important to cultivate self discipline, at least where bdsm is concerned, as a lot of dominance is about holding back. You CAN hit harder, but you don’t because the paddling is not about how hard you can hit. It’s about how you get your boy into a nice high via the pain caused by the paddling. Maybe you can get your boy to the point where you can hit him as hard as you can, but I would be surprised if that ever occurred right out of the gate. It’s something that should be built up to (if it’s ever achieved).

- Hone your skills: If you are into rope, you need to be able to tie knots on demand without reference and combine ties into a working piece. If you’re paddling a submissive, it’s important to be accurate about the area you’re hitting and have fine control over power and angle to produce different sensations. Ideally, one should have mastery over one’s skills, but that takes a ton of time and practice and realistically a lot of that practice will be on submissives. Make sure you’re aware of safety concerns with anything you’re trying and that you’re reading up on books, and articles about bdsm on a variety of topics so you’re as prepared as you can be to bring skills to bear to make submissives quiver with pleasure.

- Don’t drink your own kool aid: I’ve seen a LOT of dominants so caught up in the fantasy about how awesome they are or how hot they are that they cannot see the difference between reality and fantasy. Do not be one of those guys. Ego is hot and valuable but still be able to step back from it once the scene is over. Stepping down from the scene and being able to be a person once again is helpful for relating to submissives outside the bedroom. It’s true. Dominants are people too. Most of us anyways ;). So don’t be so self consumed that you drink your own kool aid.

Being a Slave-Owning Master Who Is Sadistic, and Sweet

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

nachtsoul said: Definitions of terms in BDSM appear to vary widely. I am curious as to where you define ‘slave’ and what inner change in you made you go from non-owning to owning… and just what owning means to you. I have two boys of my own and a prospective third. In thinking on our relationships and their evolution, it leads me to curiosity about what it would mean to evolve Sir/boy to Master/slave, not that I think any of them is of a mind to go there. But I wonder anyway.

Papa Tony:

I am in no mood to make apocalyptic, all-encompassing and definitive declarations about what is right and proper. I make no pretense of being anything but what I am.

By being metaphorically naked before everyone (you see that I don’t hide very much), my goal is to be a role-model for others in similar circumstances.

Like you, good brother.

I Was Trained By My First Slave

You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was wary of taking him on in that way. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.

I found that I LIKED what the slave proposed. We started a process of making new agreements that continues to this day.

I will refer only to my first slave in the remainder of this article. I will brag about the OTHER slave in future writings.

The Slave Wanted Chastity

He already owned three cock-cages. I had had no experience with this.

Or, so I thought.

As it happily turned out, I have been into orgasm-control for my entire adult life. In my youth forty years ago, I used to delight in attending huge, blue-ribbon Championship-Round fuck-parties. I was famous for going from sling to sling, and FORCING ecstatic, full-body orgasms on anybody who wanted one. I used techniques that I have shared here and here.

I liked taking the choice of timing away from them. They liked to think that they knew what they were only possibly capable of? I would show them several steps beyond what they could imagine. It’s my ferociously-kinky desire to blow the top of their head off with pleasure.

I have had dozens of men chastise me over the years, saying “After you, I haven’t found anybody nearly as good, damn it!” That’s why I happily reveal what I know. I want everybody else to succeed.

Yes, I am bragging, but then…. It’s not bragging if it’s true.

In any case, I took to chastity-play with natural enthusiasm. It really rocks my boat! We are “cumming-up” on our ninth anniversary together. He hasn’t had an unauthorized orgasm in most of those years, and he doesn’t want another one, for the rest of his life. He now cums hands-free, nearly every time.

Nowadays, I like to make it harder and harder for him to cum. Countdown timers are nice - If he doesn’t cum by the time the timer goes off, then he’s back on chastity for another week.

Then, when he succeeds, I make the time SHORTER, next time. Very sadistic. I never promised the slave that his training would be easy.
The Slave Wants To Be Fully-Owned

We do not live together. He has a long-time, vanilla husband, as do I. So, the lovely 24/7 live-in submissive slave thing is a great fantasy, hut not practical for us.

So, we see each other a minimum of once a week, but usually several times a week. This is a good description of what usually ensues. Show it to your subs - It may appeal to them on some levels.

He has told me hundreds of times that I own every part of his body, his soul, and his orgasms. They all belong to me. I take that responsibility very seriously and pleasurably.

What I DON’T mention enough in that article is the service aspect. I have taken many joyous, gloating photos of the slave cleaning my home, while naked, collared, butt-plugged and cock-caged.

 

He also opens doors for me, bathes me (and washes carefully between my toes, (to head off athlete’s foot). He takes care of my leathers. He gives sensational foot-rubs.

The slave shaves my head and face, and makes all travel itinerary plans. He handles details that I might otherwise miss. He happily covers every aspect of serving my rather unique needs.

I am a Master who lives in a nearly-constant state of exalted deep thought (I call it “Big Brain Mode”). It can be exhausting. I need the focused services of submissives in order to function well.

Yeah, the slave is taking care of ME, but after he has completed his tasks, I rock his WORLD. Every orgasm that I allow him is a 10 out of 10. No exceptions.

He Rejoices In My Kinky Pleasures

He is not even remotely a Pain Pig. In fact, he would be perfectly happy if he never had any pain for the rest of his life.

If he didn’t know me.

Instead, he grooves on the happy, happy noises I make when I have him strapped down and vulnerable. I throw my most extreme toys and techniques at him, and he is gratified, every time. After all of these years, I can still surprise and stimulate him. He gives me constant feedback with his words, his fantasies and his behavior, which helps me to up my game.

His pleasure comes from knowing that service to me includes satisfying my sadistic nature. I can allow the Beast within me to walk the streets, and still know that I am a good man, because he is so grateful afterward.

If I go for a long period of time without going all Neanderthal on him, he will start dropping heavy hints in order to fire-up the boilers. I do get stuck in my head sometimes.
He Like To Be An Object

Being hooded makes the slave VERY happy. He likes to hand all of his power away to his trusted Sir. This started out as my idea, and he just went bonkers with pleasure.

I loan him out to other Sirs for kinky play, in my presence. They eagerly ask for my permission to play with him, because he is maximally exciting and pleasurable. I’ve never met a sub who could do what he does, in terms of pure, stimulating feedback.

Any Sir who plays with him turns into a flame-snorting lustmonster, and who makes a beeline for us at every play-event, afterward. I have been doing this for years, and have never had reason to regret it. The Sirs who know us also know that I am vigilantly protective of my fully-owned property.

I do not loan him out for sex. That is reserved for the two of us, by mutual agreement.
Here Is A Good Story, To Illustrate


I like to take the slave to international kinky events, like IML, Folsom Street Fair and the like.

I will hood and shackle him, and walk him through the crowd, guiding him with a hand on the back of the neck, and a few words: “Stop. Step up on the curb.” I like to eventually “park” him in a public place. I jam three fingertips into his chest, which is our mutually-understood protocol meaning “Stay Here.”

Then, I walk away.

I am well-known, so while I am standing thirty feet away in the crowd, dozens of folks will come up for a hug and a blessing. I will visit with them, and then say “Do me a favor - the slave is over there - Use him as if he belonged to you.”

I can do this because I KNOW what will happen. The folks that I send over would never, ever disrespect me by abusing my property. They make a few mild gestures at teasing and torturing him, along with some dirty talk, and that’s it. This pleases and excites me, and the slave glories in his submission.

I Honor The Slave’s Deep Devotion

I am courteous with the slave. His desires DEFINE him, so I would never dismiss or ignore them. He is 100% present with me in his slavery, so I return the slave’s respect and devotion with my own, entirely-honest feedback. I use these phrases, and many others, but only if they are my truth.

The more that the slave submits, the more that I dominate. He gives me feedback, so that we grow together. His hunger to serve, please and sustain my needs are vitamins for my soul, so I never miss a chance to SAY so.

I assert that my natural kindness, courtesy and sweetness only add to my value as a Sir, a Dom, and a ferocious, slave-Owning Master.
Why Listen To Only One Viewpoint?

Let’s let the slave explain, in his own words. These recordings were made after a couple of intense play-scenes, while cuddling in bed during aftercare:

Audio Clip 1

Audio Clip 2

Alphas Are Not Assholes

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

the-silent-alpha:

I’ve been talking to a boy that was very surprised that “I’m so nice to strangers on the internet even though I’m an Alpha”. I just showed him basic decency and talked to him. I didn’t do anything else. But him praising me for not being an asshole reminded me of a few other boys that I came in contact with. Those boys said the same thing. And it got me thinking…

I think it became acceptable to think that an Alpha, a Dom or a Top is also an asshole. At some point people starting putting confidence, power, strength, assertiveness or just plain masculinity with being an asshole in the same pot. And these are all different things. Maybe that’s why there are subs out there sending $25 through PayPal to an idiot with dirty socks and thinking they’ve served an Alpha. Maybe that’s why so many of you see your bullies as your Alphas. Maybe that’s why vanilla gay couples feel that the “Top or Bottom?” question is intrusive and innapropriate, because they are still ashamed of the way they have sex.

Some of you may not be ready to hear this, but : YOUR BULLY IS NOT YOUR SUPERIOR. A true Alpha is not an asshole. Yes, he may have qualities you lack as a sub. Yes, he may be more masculine, more assertive, more dominant or have a bigger dick. Yes, he may want to degrade you or humiliate you, he may slap you or piss in your face. But an Alpha doesn’t do this because he hates you, he doesn’t do this because he hates himself. He does this for completely different reasons, none of them being hate. If he hates you, you need to run away from him. If he hates himself, he’s too weak for you.

I may never completely understand the submissive mindset, because I’m just not wired like that. But I do know one thing : there are enough Alphas worthy of service in this world and if the man you’re reaching out to is being an asshole - he’s not one. Move on. Serve a man that deserves and appreciates you as an inferior.

A sub’s job and purpose is to improve the life of Alphas. If you’re serving an asshole, you’re not serving an Alpha. You’re serving a bully. Period!

Defining Some Structure for a Submissive

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

temptingdominance: It’s time for a little conversation.

I’ve been getting a lot of messages. And I think it’s important that we define some structure. There needs to be a better understanding of submission. In fact, if you ask me why I do not have a boy right now, the most common answer is geography and because the boys in my area frustrate the hell out of me.

Why do they frustrate me you might ask? Because for many of them their concept of submission is a rough fuck. Sex and dominance are mutually exclusive. There are deeply sexual elements. Our hormones are at a very high level. We have primal need that engage in in these moments. But we do not need to engage in intercourse to express our dominant and submissive attributes.

So when you message me, and your first comment to me is that you me to fuck you, my immediate thought is that you are just a hungry bottom and not a submissive. You are more concerned with your needs and desires than understanding what I means to be submissive. You just want to get something you want.

I am not saying that when you have a positive interaction with a dominant you cannot beg him to fuck you. Most boys do. However, they do so because they have earned that right to appeal to the Man.

Remember a submissive means bring joy to a Dominant. It means being their for him. It means making him feel good because doing something for another makes you feel good. You feel balanced. You feel connected.

If you want to express yourself as a submissive. Your first thought (or message) should be, what can I do to make him happy?

Advice For My Fellow Doms

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Papa Tony:

I have met tens of thousands of kinky gay-male Doms since 1977.  In the early days, I had dozens of mentors.  In the last couple of decades, I have directly mentored a lot of Doms who have gone on to great success..

Don't compare yourself to me, or to any other Dom.  That's a loser's game, and you can never win.  This has never been a competition.  Sure - I have been doing this a long time.  Very likely, you aren't as far along.  However, we are both on the same path to growth, wisdom, and greater adventures.  You are exactly as valid as I am.  We all had to start somewhere.

There are a lot of bottoms.  There are fewer kinky subs, but there are much fewer Doms with any level of experience.  We are as rare as Snow Leopards.  The market is wide open, and crying out for more Doms who have found their centers.

The sooner that you LIKE yourself this way, the way that you are TODAY, the sooner you'll take some chances, learn some new useful techniques and gain confidence.  Don't wait for some day when you have a bigger dick, a flatter tummy, bigger muscles, can afford a $3,000 outfit or magically become younger.  You are an intense object of desire RIGHT NOW.

For every kind of man, there are men who love that kind of man, despite the messages that you get from Tumblr sites:  "Oh, look!  Everybody is having a rocking good time except for me!  Something must be wrong with my looks/age/skin color/whatever."

I speak with great authority, because I am actively in the world as a man who loves himself, flaws and all.  I carry myself with grace and kindness, and I respect those around me.  If I cared only about exterior beauty, it would be trivial for me to enjoy sex and kinky play with six new porn-actor pretty men, every single day.   When I was young, that was fun.  Now, I need more.

If I go out to public leathermen's parties, I tend to be the oldest, fattest , hairiest man in the building.  And the boys jump all over me, wanting to have some of what I have.  It's all very nice to gain some external validation.  I will admit that.  But I am also sad, because so many of my brothers who WANT to be Sirs suffer from Imposter Syndrome, added onto the usual and typical gay-male Body Dysmorphia.

If you don't have a mentor in your personal life, then here is a path toward confidence.  I guarantee it:

Study my Mentoring page.  Go deep into it, and at least try to do what you are being shown.  There is a lot of accumulated wisdom in there.  Many hundreds of men who have done this have SUCCEEDED, and are much happier.  Don't be a picky creature, saying "Oh, I would never like that!"  How will you know unless you try?  What if it turns out to be your superpower?  I ask that you be open to new possibilities.

Take some chances, and ask for feedback from the subs you are practicing with.  Admit that you are still learning.  I promise, the subs who would reject you for being honest and open are NOT the sort that would add value to your life.

It's okay to fall into self-pity sometimes.  We all do it.  It's the human condition.  After you've wallowed around in your pity-pool for a while, please keep challenging yourself to get to your next level of achievement.  A little bit of confidence can make entirely new doors open for you, that you would never have been able to see before.

The subs are waiting for you to step into your power, and to find out just how big and strong your wings are!