My goal is to give step-by-step instructions on building true community. What kind of "community" am I talking about?
Being sweet. Everybody together, being accepting, supportive, affectionate, relaxed, joyful, effective, unified and satisfied. If you have been following my writing elsewhere, you will know that I will be providing actual, PROVEN and successful tips on how to accomplish this in your own area of the world... No matter how dysfunctional, toxic or horrifying your local community has been, up until now. I'm quite aware of the pitfalls.
Things WILL get better, if you're ready to get to work. You have my word on that.
In order to move along with each section, I will have to identify the problems that prevent the good things from happening, first. This may appear to be standard-model bellyaching, but it's not. I promise. Each article will be in parable form, leading to an idealistic and true conclusion.
What qualifies me to write about community? I've been doing this sort of work since 1981, when I became president of a car club, and I realized that the old paradigms didn't work any more. I've been intensively experimenting and observing for three decades. I have hosted over 3,000 social events in my lifetime, and have created twelve affinity-groups that are still around.
I'm also a gay leatherman who created an organization called FetishMenSanDiego in 2010, using the techniques and philosophy that I will be describing. It's not a club, it's a "Smart Mob". We don't have by-laws, boards of directors, elections, paperwork or membership dues. In fact, we don't spend any money at all, other than on a website. We're using free resources to get our message out.
We're currently at 1,100 members on multiple social networks, but mostly through an email list, and things are going beautifully well. QUANTITY is nice, but QUALITY is nicer. I'm proud to say that San Diego's local fetish community is sweet. Really sweet, and all of the other adjectives listed above. Why do I keep stressing that? Because it's what we humans need, more than anything else. We don't need any more "HAWT PARTEES" - There are plenty of those around. We don't need more protocol, or divisions, and we sure as hell don't need any more reasons to stay online.
The Internet Has Made Us Socially Awkward
Having 3,000 "friends" on something like Facebook is like eating styrofoam. It's very filling, but not very nourishing. Human beings are basically Troop Monkeys. We're Pack Apes who need to feel a sense of welcome, belonging, respect and acceptance. The Internet does not, and never will provide that, so we will be going in a different direction. Humans crave body-language, touch, pheromones and proximity, not plain text and images. We need HUGS, dammit!
The internet makes it easy for each one of us to bring people closer (for sex, usually), but it doesn't make it any easier to KEEP THEM CLOSE. That's the biggest lack in our current society.
We crave the esteem and welcome of people who like us for who we are, as we are, right this very moment... Not after we finally get younger, or get a shapelier body. The person inside the externals is starved for recognition and affection. Every one of us is TIRED of being judged on irrelevant details that say nothing about the person inside. Think of the self-help workshop exercise where you fall back and people catch you. Imagine a lot of that happening, and soon. We've all been waiting for a better day to show up.
It's our job, as community leaders and volunteers, to make that day come, and RIGHT AWAY.
Honey Traps
I often run into people who beseech each other for help in figuring out how to approach new people, for the purpose of inviting them to be a part of the community, without appearing to be a predator.
I've been extremely successful in this endeavor. The
group in San Diego that I started fourteen months ago has almost 1200 followers, and nearly ALL of them have been added ONE AT A TIME. I can't stress that enough - Simply printing cards or flyers, or mass-emailing, or posting it online is nothing, compared to the personal approach. We are all fed up with impersonal invitations. We've been burned too many times with spam, viruses, and every other kind of crap coming at us from every direction. These people have raised our threshold for bullshit so high that any sane person would assume that nobody could ever break through the average person's cynicism.
Let's assume that I'm going to approach you at a bar event that I've created. I'm HUGE (six foot five, even taller in my big boots, 280 pounds, gray-bearded and hairy, and usually in uniform or leather). To the average person, I look nine feet tall and six foot wide. Despite all of this, when I come up to strangers to let them know about my group, I have a consistently high success-rate. Out of 100 strangers, approximately 90 of them will gladly give me their email address. Out of those people, after I have added them to my weekly email list, ONE will unsubscribe. Everybody else sticks around, and likes what they receive from me.
People think that the most important currency is money. In 2011, it's not. It's CREDIBILITY. No amount of money will buy credibility. It has to be earned the hard way. I have the confidence to approach strangers and enroll them in a sweet, joyful common dream, because I have kept my word for decades. The average stranger doesn't know that for a fact yet, but they are intrigued enough by my affectionate, respectful and confident demeanor to give me a chance.
So, let's say that I'm at a public event (usually one that I created for this purpose), looking for new people to sign up for FMSD (
FetishMenSanDiego.org). I call these events "Honey Traps", which is a term that I am using as a metaphor - They are events that are attractive enough to drag individuals away from their damn computers.
The average person sits in front of FaceBook, Fetlife, Recon or some other endless distraction, but has a firm conviction that everybody else is having more fun in the real world than they are. EVERYBODY has that idea in their heads, and doesn't understand how few people are having fun in the non-virtual world. We're all lonely, disconnected and losing our ability to feel like we're part of something real, and bigger than our concerns, insecurities and considerations.
I look around me at these events, looking for someone who is clearly wearing their favorite "suit of armor". They are broadcasting "I'm shy", or "I'm not interested" or "I'm just passing through". Those are the folks that I make a beeline for. Other people might call them "Attitude Queens". I don't - I understand that "Attitude with a Capital A" is just shyness. I can handle that, and here's how… This is my standard script for approaching strangers:
I approach the stranger, stand quite close (about two feet away), where they can clearly see me and can't pretend that I'm part of the furniture. I pointedly look them right in the eye, and say "Excuse me, have I spoken with you before?", while wearing a pleasant, (but not excessively pleasant) smile, and slightly upraised eyebrows. My demeanor is clearly communicating polite and courteous interest. They usually have a slightly startled reaction to this, saying "No, I don't think so". I'll then ask "are you a San Diegan?" If they say no, then I tell them a bit about our group, and show them a few pictures from previous events, and then move onward to the next guy. If they say yes, then I continue with the script.
Remember, many of these events are NOISY - Loud music, chattering people all around. This gives me cover for moving in closer and making actual, physical contact with them. I touch their solar plexus with the back of my hand, while introducing myself, and asking who they are, and a few other polite questions to break the ice. This is 100% effective in initiating physical contact, because no matter how shy or cynical that person is, they have been programmed their entire lives to shake hands to show that they are nice, well-raised people who don't have any weapons.
I'll say "I'm Papa Tony, and I host many of the leathermen's events here in town." I'll release their hand, and whip out my iPhone. I''ll show them group pictures (
see here for examples) that clearly show happy, satisfied crowds of people who obviously share traits with my guest of the moment. These events are diverse, full of big smiles and don't follow any common rules of the "I'm Hot and You're NOT" philosophy.
I'm now
paging through photos for the enjoyment of the person in front of me, and drawing QUITE close - Close enough to rest my hand on his shoulder while I'm flipping through pictures one-handed. That way, I can talk in a normal, comfortable, just-between-nice-guys voice, because I'm so close - My mouth is maybe ten inches away from his ear, and I'm using my Indoor Voice. Closeness COUNTS. In our current culture, we have learned that somebody who stands at a distance from us is not a trustworthy person. Spammers like to hide. Abusers like to hide. Nice people are close by, and have no fear about other nice people in a polite society.
Example: Let's say that you see a stranger shoving his way through a crowd, and when he gets to you, he says "Get the fuck out of my way, ASSHOLE!" Chances are pretty good that he's going to get a big dose of ASSHOLE in response. That's not a side of us that we prefer, but our internal, hard-wired Fight or Flight response demands that we do SOMETHING in a stressful situation.
Now, delete that example, and imagine somebody coming up to you and treating you as a thoroughly respectable, intelligent, pleasant and enjoyable person, right from the very first instant. You're being approached, not for the sake of money, or power, sex, or any other other onvious, predictable reason, but because somebody wants YOU, of all people, to be a part of an actual, visually-appealing, thriving community of nice people, who get together often in public.
By this time, my target of interest (and possible new brother) is intrigued, despite multiple layers of well-earned cynicism. I continue to destroy his defenses: I'll say "We want all ages, all colors, all body-styles and all levels of experience. The only kind of people that we actively and aggressively discriminate against… Is GRUMPY PEOPLE!". This is usually good for a laugh, but they always look at my face and see that I'm being quite authentic in this statement.
I will then set the hook - I'll be showing him the pictures, and I'll say "You would fit right in". And, clearly, he would. Everyone is tired of being judged by externals. Even the world's prettiest/most-perfect men and women are sick of the social "A-List" game of perfect teeth/hair/muscles/tits/whatever providing us with varying levels of social status. It's an empty philosophy, but we never know when it's time to let go of it and just be happy like a bunch of uninhibited three-year-olds. By looking at the pictures (and grabbing the phone from me and zooming in closer to see everybody better, my new brother is losing his defenses fast.
I'll say "The nicer you are, the more friends you deserve - This is normal human behavior, but it fell apart somehow for gay men. We've fixed that". I tend to get rueful agreement from my new buddy.
I'll go further, and demolish his preconceptions like my life depends on it. I'll say "Listen to the people around you". He'll stop, and listen seriously and intently. I'll say "Everybody sounds really happy, don't they? You can't fake that kind of happy." He'll have to admit that yes, everybody else sounds like they're having a rocking good time.
I'll tell him "You deserve to have just as good a time as anybody here. I'm the host of this event, and you have my word of honor that no one here will ever treat you shabbily. If anybody DOES, you bring it to ME, and I will take care of it right away. I take full responsibility for the safety, success and well-being of everybody at this event, and you can count on me. Just go up to people and chat, and they'll all be nice to you. I know most of the folks here, and they aren't meanies, or tweaking, or spiteful."
I'll mention that I have nothing to sell him, and never will. I don't make a penny off of this, and neither does anybody else. In today's society, this is unheard-of… It seems mythological and theoretical. EVERYBODY wants a piece of somebody else, wants to treat us like walking wallets, and they have cunningly learned to hide it until they have tricked you somehow. And yet, here's this big galoot who is saying that he wants your actual, non-virtual and physical presence at a series of upcoming events. Nothing more, as long as you're a pleasant, well-socialized grownup.
Then, I say that I have an email-list that tells people what events are coming up, so that they know about them BEFORE each event, instead of hearing about it after everybody else had a great time. I'll ask "Would you like to be on the mailing-list?" This is Decision Time. I'm being the very epitome of a forthright, pleasant, respectful and clearly idealistic human being, and now, I need them to step up and deliver their half of the social contract. Just listening, or tolerating, or being a disinterested observer isn't enough - They have to make a commitment and be responsible about it. Like I said earlier, it's nearly always a slam-dunk… People can't get on the mailing-list fast enough.
I have
created a web-page that is perfectly designed to be used on a Droid or iPhone's web-browser, using a free utility that allows me to sign people up for the mailing-list ON THE SPOT, without delay. I hit a
bookmark icon on my phone's main page that brings me directly to that page, tap the field that asks for the email, and hand the phone right over for their data-entry. While doing so, I say "You have my word of honor that you will never receive any spam as a result, and if you don't like the mailing-list, just click on the link at the bottom and you'll be unsubscribed immediately". When they are done, they hand it back to me - I always have a pair of reading-glasses with me, in case somebody needs a pair for accuracy. I insist that they check the address one final time, and then tap the "Submit" button.
Nowadays, my success-rate is so high, I can sign up a total stranger within three minutes, and I will do it over and over and over, all during the event. I do not sit with my Good Buddies, chewing the fat. To me, that is exactly the wrong thing to do. I have a task to perform, and nothing will distract me from it. If I am going to be committed to creating real, honest and solid community, then I have to extend the hand of friendship to every new face that shows up. The moment that any affinity-group stops welcoming new people IN A CONSCIOUS WAY, then that group is dead. D-E-A-D. Our newest members are our group's future, and if we force them to bounce off of our indifference, then we may as well close up shop. The group will get older, and less relevant, and wither away.
So, what about the folks who DO NOT sign up? What if their cynicism is too awesomely impervious? No problem. "Invitations can be accepted, denied or renegotiated". I never attach my ego to trying to enroll 100% of the people that I approach. It is impossible. I wish them well, I mention our Web site (while pointing to it on our club banner, hanging in obvious display) and step over to the next person. I have seen those same people come to our events over and over, because they wanted to see whether my fancy talk had any actual credibility.
.
So, one more time, let's talk about Credibility with a Capital C. LEADERS PROVIDE. We keep creating these "Honey Trap" events, and
take group pictures periodically. Why? Because no amount of words can convey the awesomeness of a successful, joyful and satisfying event as well as group pictures can. No amount of money, or trickery, or bossiness or manipulation can make a big, diverse and deliriously happy crowd look like a bunch of Labrador Retrievers with a tennis ball. You want to document your successes, even if they start out small. That's still better than the big, echoing emptiness that is usually the default when somebody is looking for heartfelt community in the real world.
Boy Scouts, Traffic Cops and the New A-List
This portion is written in response to feedback that I've received so far. I'm severely tempted to use a lot of alternating gender pronouns, but I can't see how to do it properly. I'm a gay man, writing about my own gay leathermen's group. I am clearly writing this series for the possible benefit of men and women of all kinds, and I don't dismiss that. I can't see a way to be authentic about my efforts with my group while keeping it fully gender-neutral, so please forgive me for this, and try to walk around a bit in my Size 15EE Wesco Engineers!
It's important to note that, when creating community, you NEVER want to try and add every possible person to a new affinity-group. It's an exercise in frustration for the inviter and the invitee, and it muddies the vision for the target demographic.
Focus like a laser on what you see as the overall vision of the group - If it's your goal to create a group for people who fit a strict criterion, go for it - You have the right to do so. Don't be surprised if other people outside of that target group feel slighted, ignored or insulted, and want to yank things closer to their own goals. You will have to be clear and open in your motivations, and answer lots of questions from others outside your group before things will calm down.
I'm going to describe the many, many men in FetishMenSanDiego's membership in a very visual way - Think of over 1,100 men in a big, round, closely-gathered crowd:
On the outermost edges, we have the guys who only show up at events if there is a good likelihood that they will get laid, or get drunk as cheaply as possible. That's fine - They add value in their own way. Those are the guys who show up at the biggest events, hoping to get their goodies and go home. They are great additions for a nice Parking-Lot Party, where men cruise with their shirts off and act Really, Really Single, with a dense haze of testosterone floating over everyone's heads. The more the merrier!
Moving inward in that circle, we have the majority of members: Nice, well-socialized grownups who crave community and a nice time away from their computers; singles and couples - Lots of couples. You can count on them to be attentive, polite and friendly when somebody needs to make a public announcement. They have a great time, they feel like they are part of a thriving community, and they get enough value to come back to future events as time permits. You can spot them by the roars of happy laughter and chatter that signify a crowd that is secure and comfortable.
Then, we come to the crucial, central core of the group - The Golden Core. In any affinity-group, whether it's for Stamp Collecting, Quilt-Making or Kinksters on Parade, there will always be the 10% of members who make 90% of the difference in the success of that group. As a community-leader, it's YOUR MOST IMPORTANT JOB to watch for those people, and to know what to do about them.
I've been president and/or founder of any number of clubs in the last thirty years. I've intentionally put myself in the position of being a Capital "S" Source - When there's an event, and when somebody asks "Who's in charge here?", then everybody in the building pivots around and points at me. That suits my nature. However, I have become very desensitized to the daily process of people asking for things. I get emails, text messages, phone calls and personal requests, and after a while, it just becomes background noise. I do it as part of the job, and nothing more.
Yet, I've got one hard-wired trigger that INSTANTLY puts me on red alert. If somebody says "How can I help?" then my head snaps right around, and my senses go to fully-powered status. I start asking leading questions, in order to start zeroing inward until I've figured out what this very special guy's secret superpowers are. I might ask:
- What do you like about having a brotherhood of people like you?
- Have you ever volunteered before?
- Has anybody ever thanked you for what you do? How do you feel about that?
Obviously, those are generic questions, and in real life, I would be much more focused on the responses that I get in order to know the best question to ask next. The most important question to end up with is:
- When are you available for coffee?
When you take this new, shining star of a natural volunteer out for coffee, really interact with them. Take the time to get to know them. Build friendship based on open, honest communication.
Why? Because you never, ever want to let folks like this drop back under the radar and be lost to your new group. They are the crucial component that guarantees a happy future for your new club/organization/posse. Don't try to do everything by yourself. Build a team with the goal of working yourself out of a job. Count on retiring from your work someday, leaving behind a thriving group of cooperating individuals who all have different tools in their toolboxes that might make up for the lack of tools in somebody else's toolbox.
One person may be a perfect Accountant for the group, because they think in exactly that way (I sure don't). They might be a perfect Sergeant at Arms, or Go-Fer, or Julie the Cruise Director, or Idea Fountain, or any other kind of Dependable Volunteer. Your job is to recognize them early, pay attention to their behavior in public, and then thank them lavishly, often, and publicly whenever possible.
People who want to do good work for the community are hard-wired to be that way. They aren't necessarily doing it for a Thank You, but they are absolutely not doing it for a Fuck You. Folks who want to give from the goodness of their hearts tend to become targets of opportunity for Users, Abusers and Sociopaths. They are easy meat, so they learn to become self-protective, as they should. Your job is to convince them that you understand them because you share their nature, and that the more fully-self-expressed and kind that they are in your group, the more approval they will receive. They will also be surrounded by an ever-growing group of fellows just like them.
I call these people Boy Scouts, because they are Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly.. and so forth. They are adults, long-since grown-up, and Mommy and Daddy aren't forcing them to be that way. They've made a decision on their own that they are going to be kind, and giving, for the rest of their lives. They are worthy of extra helpings that will help their light to really shine in your group, so, make sure that they get those extra helpings. They deserve to have doors swing open for them that nobody else even knew were available:
- Vouch for Boy Scouts in public. If something about them is true, necessary and kind, say it in a crowd, in their presence. Whatever good name you've built for yourself in your work should be given away freely in the form of confirming the good character of folks who have proven their worth. Your credibility becomes their credibility, on the spot.
- If there is an out-of-town event that a local Boy Scout wants to attend, set up free lodging for them with folks in the target city. Which folks do you contact in this quest? Leather titleholders. Why? Because they are a self-selecting group of people who tend to keep their words, follow through, want to make a difference in the world, and already have a basis for trust among themselves. They already have a network that allows them to say "You know, the person you want to talk to is So-and-So, because they have the information that you need." By telling them "There is a great volunteer in our group who needs a helping hand", you're much, much more likely to create the possibility that all folks involved will build new, lasting and deep friendships. This also will open the door for folks from THAT city to come to YOUR city and crash on your couch during big event weekends. What fun! I do that at every opportunity.
- Introduce them to other locals who share their personal philosophy, which they will know because you will explain the merits of both people while they both listen during your introduction. It's too easy for communities to degrade into what I call the "A-List" Philosophy, where the people who have the most-perfect physique, or the nicest clothes, or the most money, or some other external thing, are the only ones worthy of respect, desire or friendship. Your job is to gather together people who agree that integrity, authenticity, kindness and full self-expression are the qualifications for the New A-List. The nicest thing about the new A-List is that it is ATTAINABLE without cosmetic surgery or other artificial means. You just basically have to be a decent human being.
- Most important of all, as I said before, observe the actions of your local Boy Scouts, and thank them. Always be authentic… Don't blow smoke up their kilt. If somebody is going to be kind enough to endure four hours behind a coat-check counter at a big event, make sure that they know that their efforts are appreciated, needed and add value to the event. That person will be a lot more likely to help out again in the future. NEVER let an opportunity pass without noticing and reacting in a kind way.
- Never "spank" anybody by giving negative feedback. It's counter-productive. I used to do it all of the time, and everybody was stressed as a result. Now that I gently ignore problems, give private time-outs for outrageous mishaps, and warmly praise desired behavior, everybody is uniformly happy and secure. We never, ever have Drama Explosions.
At every event that I'm involved with, I promise that it will be a Guaranteed Safe Space. Nobody will treat anyone else shabbily, or act out in a harmful way. By putting my ass on the line, over and over, I'm assuring everyone that somebody will take full responsibility for the safety, well-being and success of everyone at that event.
My goodness. That's an awful lot to promise, isn't it? Wouldn't that be burdensome?
Not for Traffic Cops, like me. My definition of a Traffic Cop is somebody who is hard-wired to be responsible, protective and actively willing to step in if needed, even if nobody asks, and even if we have no formal job to do at somebody else's event.
Here's a great example: Some tweaked-out straight guy came into the local gay leathermen's bar and started randomly throwing punches, without saying a word. He was thrown out of the bar, but sneaked back in later on and started up his bad behavior again. Six of the two hundred guys in the bar gathered around the troublemaker and immobilized him. We didn't yell at him, or hurt him, or even try to engage him in conversation, We just held him immobile until the cops arrived.
The other 194 people stepped back and let us do our thing. That's fine - They don't share our deep-down dedication to keeping the peace. But, I made certain to notice who came rushing forward when the need was strong. ANY event is a happier place when Traffic Cops are in the building. Folks can subconsciously relax, because they know that problems will never get out of hand.
Just like Boy Scouts, complimenting a Traffic Cop for being who they are is like praising them for breathing. it's just who they are, on a fundamental level. They still like to hear it, though, so don't be stingy. By noticing, identifying, acknowledging, supporting and nurturing these people, you will attract more and more like-minded people.
So what about the people who don't fit into those two categories, yet? What of the shy newbie who shows up late and unprepared at one of my events, expecting something else and feeling a bit overwhelmed?
He's going to stand a little taller, and puff his chest out a bit more, unconsciously, because he'll see all of these incredibly secure, joyful and loud people all around him, and he's going to want very badly to fit in. He's hungry for better days, surrounded by people that he can depend on… the opposite of Internet Flakes. He can tell that these people really like and trust each other - If somebody were to fall backwards suddenly, many hands would rise to catch him and keep him from harm.
This is our basic, deep-down, human need, in a nutshell. Your job as a community leader is to make sure that this happens, often. In my own case, I create an ongoing series of Guaranteed Safe Spaces, where anyone who shows up can relax as soon as they enter the room. They can see that they are surrounded by people who take community very seriously, and are willing to work to make it happen. The whole team is doing what they are good at, simultaneously, and working as a single unit.
These people didn't drop out of the empty air, or just show up and get to work at random. Somebody has to be the one with the Big Dream.
I've just uploaded the following audio lectures::
The men of the Palm Springs area are eager for better days for their community, and wanted to know how San Diego has been accomplishing so much, while enjoying so much brotherhood. I offered to share what we have learned in the last 28 months since
FetishMenSanDiego was created, so I came up and gave the talk.
Rather than staying stuck in "Complaint Mode" in San Diego, we have been able to break entirely free of old ways of doing things, and are reaping the benefits. It is my wish that we all share what we learn, while treasuring all ages, colors, body-styles and experience-levels, and keep trying new things. We have wonderful new tools, so let's start the next phase!
Here are some more articles on the same topic, written as the years went by. It is my wish that others may benefit by studying them:
