Is Love Different in D/s Relationships Compared To Vanilla Ones?

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Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?
thedominantprompts:

No.

The quality of love never changes regardless of whether one is in a D/s or vanilla relationship. Love comes in many forms and is different in its every occurrence, but the quality of love - that which is immutable, that which remains steadfast and constant - is the same.

It was probably well over a decade ago that I heard these words, but they hit me with such force and rang so true that they have been burned into my mind ever since:

“Love can’t wait to give; lust can’t wait to get.”

I have constantly used this phrase as a gauge of my intentions ever since I heard them. They have never led me wrong, and they have prevented me from lying to myself many a time. And at its core, it remains the best explanation of love I have ever heard. Love can’t wait to give, lust can’t wait to get. By this standard of love, there is no difference between D/s and vanilla.

There are many other measures of love, of course. The famous verse from 1st Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind.” But do you know the rest of it as well? "It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.“ No difference there either.

I could go on with this forever so I’ll stop there, since you get the idea. The quality of love, that which endures, is no different in a D/s relationship as it is in a vanilla one.

That is not to say that a D/s relationship is no different from a vanilla one. I’ve written many times on my thoughts why this is not the case; the most recent example being my thoughts on an old DwP post:

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missharpersworld:

((I saved these pearls of wisdom before DwP took down his blog for those of us who still desperately need his wisdom))

DwP Says:

“The Problems Started After I Moved In”

When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation. Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.

Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say.

Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography.

Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenents accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it’s very easy to learn what these are—you know, inanities like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “the best tops started out as bottoms”—and then rattle them off like a parrot) you’ll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) “loving” dominant, a paragon of the Scene.
It’s incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance.

It’s so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this “act,” they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such “dominants” begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they’ve never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.

Such a superdork, er—excuse me—superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.

Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you. Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochistically than have the ability to do it well.

To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant’s part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy-laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.

As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)—even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive—requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one’s submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship.

Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties—at first—with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It’s not a matter of being “submissive enough.”

It’s entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn’t born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master’s needs first. In fact, she’s taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience.

The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.

The early “hell” years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life.

When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for “forcing” her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it’s awfully hard if you’ve had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But “getting back” at a resistant or upset submissive who’s wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power.

Your submissive learns that you can’t control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you’re really just an angry, scared, or wounded little child who is no more emotionally mature than she.

As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.

There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. 

The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.

Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:

Self-Control

If you can’t control yourself—your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out—you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive’s actions, however you may dislike them, are not about you. 

They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically—i.e., with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness—when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.

Stubborness and Emotional Resilience

People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it.

A dominant must actually be dominant—must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive’s resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.

Responsibility

Owning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant’s responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it’s much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it’s more like having a child.

You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do—or don’t do—are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. Y

ou have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You’re steering the ship. You’re the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don’t work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.

Maturity

A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A child in an adult’s body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It’s always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out.

Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn’t see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn’t working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn’t love him.

A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner’s emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn’t rocked by every little incident that life throws at him.

A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support—at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn’t work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn’t have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.

Trustworthiness

This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent—and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn’t trustworthy just because he says he is. 

He’s trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn’t deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.

Experience and Knowledge

It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing—knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive—to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don’t have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this.

They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone—even a submissive like myself—could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day’s practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and etiquette books on the market that there are “training methods” or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth).

Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignorant than themselves (although these players will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are.

Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there’s an art to it as well. It’s complex, as each individual situation requires a different, non-canned or stereotyped response.

Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They’re fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.

Desire

It’s a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas.

Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don’t really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it’s an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much funner and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not control freaks. They are not truly dominant.

If they were, they’d accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they’d relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another’s life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. 

The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant’s responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one.

While the map may read: YOU ARE HERE, it’s only the beginning.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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Anonymous asked : Hey um I’m really uncomfortable with my sexuality. To the point that I go through extended periods of hating myself. Can you help me, daddy?

DirtyDaddyThings:

Bear in mind son, this is like asking a random person to paint the Mona Lisa using nothing but their breath and a sheet of steel. You’ve given me two pieces of information that are so generic I could write almost anything and it would sound like it was getting to the point, but I would be swinging blind and you’d know I’d missed completely but I wouldn’t. That, however, has never stopped me from tryingwhich is all I can do here without more information.



In the broadest of terms ‘being comfortable’ with one’s self is an intensely complex challenge. It’s up there as one of the ‘big ones’ like finding purpose, meaning, happiness or uncovering ‘destiny’. Even discovering this about yourself can be intensely emotional. I’ve seen boys breakdown because they weren’t ‘normal’, having just discovered a new kink or even an aspect of their sexuality they hadn’t explored yet, or that they were improperly gendered.

The revelation of ‘challenges’, which those things represent, can cause frustration, depression, self-depreciation, and much more as all non-’straight’, non-cis folk know well as all of us have experienced it first hand in varying degrees.

For the record: I hate labels with such a passion and fire that I do everything I can to dismantle them as thoroughly as I can because if there was a ‘demon’ in with the skeletons in the closet, it’s labels about who we ARE, what we ARE, and our value when what matters is that we ARE. To hell with those other notions, but that’s a much longer rant for another time.

Your ‘comfort’ is most likely, again speaking in the broadest/statistically common factor, the result of that kind of ‘challenge’. It represents you not being ‘average’ or ‘normal’ (insert angry bear sound at those words) and that means you have to either sacrifice being in the ‘normal crowd’ (insert laughter at the idea of normal crowd) or you have to do horrible things to yourself that have only one end: the destruction of any stable psychological/emotional/spiritual sense of self.



Upon discovering your uniqueness, the very first choice you are given is to be alone (which is untenable because of the nature of things) or to ‘end’ that self that is different. Is it any wonder we have such universal challenges like depression, anxiety, and the rest? We’re virtually neverwelcomed ‘into the world’ before the ‘world’ tells us we’re wrong. The truth is that none of that is real or true or both. This may sound a little counter-intuitive but I think that’s where we need to go here to find your answer: away from ‘cognitive intuition’ and into something deeper.

There is no such thing as those things that are pushing you to be different from who you are; They are the lie you’ve been told and accepted. There is no ‘normal’ person and if it does exist, it’s so rare that in 7 billion, you might find it every few generations. This person who is just like everyone else.. the idea frightens me really. A ‘blank’ who fits in everywhere wouldn’t be a ‘person’ because what makes us so is that we don’t fit in everywhere.

We aren’t meant to. That’s not how the universe works on any level so it’s rather deluded to assume that on our ‘level’ it does. That’s like saying you wouldn’t get drawn into a black hole because you’re made of ‘special atoms’ because you’re homo-’sapiens’. There’s no amount of ‘fabulous’ that can change the way things work in the universe. As much as we’d like to think so, you just can’t ‘out Queen’ a black hole.



The universe has some pretty simple rules: Everything has a place, everything fits and it all works when it is where it belongs. Please note that ‘getting it’ or ‘understanding’ really aren’t in those basic principles because what we do as humans (drawing lines, making connections between concepts and assigning value to unrelated things) has little to do with the universe itself and more to do with what we do in that structure.

Everything “Fits” :

There is nothing that isn’t created using the same template, a base code of atoms and chemicals and structures. It manifests in an incredible diversity worthy of the duality of it’s source because it is both simple and complex in the same breath. You are you because billions of atoms obey the rule of “Fit” and “purpose” set out by that ‘template’ that created the code that became the chains of color pallets known as DNA. Every single human has the same base code because we all ‘fit’ in that same sense as an extension of our ‘atoms’ fitting in cosmos.

This means that from long before you could possibly have existed, you were ‘right with the cosmos’ and belonged here but you aren’t always aware of it or able to sense those things because you aren’t yet ‘where’ you (as grand component) fit yet. This happens at every level as well. Things come together, form shapes, change and separate making new bonds and forming new things but ultimately nothing remains ‘rogue’ for long at all. It just FEELS like you don’t fit because you aren’t ‘fitting’ at the moment. You’re not wrong but you aren’t right about the grander scale on which you do, and will again, fit perfectly. By way of this metaphor for life, nothing is a ‘universal’ fit because we all have unique bonds to make as part of creating a structure.



Everything has a “Place”.

You are here. Virtually every map in a building has this marker so you know where you start your journey. There’s no indicator, on said map, of where you’re going or a hint or guide of how to get to that place you have an idea of but no clue where it resides. You’ve got an idea that the world is a big place and that somewhere in all of it, there’s somewhere you fit and are happy, but no clue how to get there.

This is where ‘feeling different’ becomes a threat to happiness. A triangle isn’t going to fit in a round hole of the same size without being bent, turned or cut down to fit but it will NEVER be a circle no matter how hard it’s ‘shaped’, it will always be what could have been a triangle. That’s what we do to ourselves when we try to conform every part of our uniqueness to the ‘hole’ given to us at the start. That’s the thing though, it’s just the ‘start’ and virtually never does a piece begin and end in the same spot. “You are here” is only the first rung on the ladder you’ll climb and no indicator of where you’ll go or what you’ll do on your journey. Those are as unique as you are.

So why does the map exist at all then? It’s the result of people who have been before you but it’s not meant to say ‘this is the only way’ but it is the only ‘example’ you could be given: the result of someone’s journey who went before you. They weren’t ‘constructed’ like you are, weren’t meant to fit the way you will because they weren’t YOU.

Following the atomic metaphor a little further, atoms are passed along because of environmental stresses. Sometimes we come together to form greater structures and other times the bonds aren’t stable (read: aren’t the right fit) and so we break apart and then move along following that ‘ladder’ or ‘chain’ of elements as we move along searching for that ‘fit’.

It’s scary but the only way to truly find that ‘place’ is to be you. In the absence of a genuine sense of self, you can never find a sense of belonging because it won’t be YOU that belongs, just that version of you that was created (by you and outside pressures) for the sole purpose of fitting in. It denies the idea that you could fit in better somewhere else and that to one degree or another you must do so because that’s why you are here after all. Denying that creates false self of place that leaves us feeling uneasy, nauseous because it’s unstable, and we always turn to ourselves as source of that problematic perception. It is, again, a fallacy. The situation/place isn’t wrong and neither are we, but the fit is because you aren’t yet where you need to be.

Everything has purpose.

This one gets ‘sticky’ and is very messy because it can challenge everything else because it’s the big ‘debate’ in philosophy, religion and psychology. Do we have purpose? Does that purpose entail a ‘power’ creating that purpose? The questions go on and on but are a byproduct of assumptions about the universe that are entirely our own creation. They don’t ultimately have any impact on the fact that everything has purpose and that the purpose has no ‘value’ in and of itself.

What I mean by the last is that since we assign value, one of our many human traits, we create this sense of measure that one thing is better than another. We discriminate. It’s our nature.We choose left or right based on one of those being better because of experience/learning but as we are constantly evolving, those choices aren’t always the ‘right’ ones. We push concepts onto the fabric of the universe and somehow expect it to ‘agree’ with us but that’s not how it works.

We’re all the same basic things, a few different kinds of atoms being shoved around until we form shapes by Forces like gravity and such. So too with the nature of human existence. It has no ‘value’ in and of itself, but we create those things when we ascribe meaning and purpose to it which is why we so desperately search for something outside ourselves to give it to us: because we know we can make mistakes and being mistaken about our purpose feels like a terrible fate we want to avoid.

Let me tell you a little about me as a way of illustrating this point. I have chosen to move, to follow the ‘pattern’ and to ‘drift’ a little now and again. I go where I am ‘needed’ rather than where I feel like I ‘should’ go because I know that should is an expectation and not a reality. The reality is that where I am now is a byproduct of being tugged at by a situation, a need in a specific area, or just a sense that ‘this’ is the new ‘place’ for a time. I’ve migrated my whole life and what I’ve learned is that I belong everywhere. I’m far from ‘normal’ but what I do and who i am IS needed virtually everywhere I have landed.

I build connections, create community, strengthen bonds and heal rifts. I weave things and mostly spend my days ‘healing’ the fabric around me. It’s what I do here on tumblr in spite of my original intention of just being a dirty old man since that wasn’t a side of me I got to really express in my day to day because it didn’t ‘fit’ with that situation. Instead my natural tendencies came to the surface as reflex because they were needed by people like you who felt alone, lost or just frightened.

When I was younger I tried to take my own life because I didn’t feel ‘connected’ didn’t have a ‘group’ I felt I ‘belonged to’ because my sexuality made me feel ‘different’ and that in discovering it I had become disconnected. The terrible truth was that I didn’t ‘belong’ anywhere.

In.

Particular.

Where I was at the time, the place and social groups, were made of disparate ‘isolated’ elements that came together around me. I brought those like me together, the ‘isolated’ lost and ‘cast out’, and formed communities. Eventually I found myself drifting away from that and to a new place where there was ‘nothing’. Only to repeat the process there.

How do you find “Purpose” when you have no “place”? You come to understand the illusion of those things while accepting that it was your understanding of them previously that created the illusions. The truth is, I belong wherever I am because I am needed there. Time will come, as it always does, that I will ‘move’ again. While I may yearn for the ‘quiet life’ of house, fence, kids and dogs, my ‘purpose’ is to ‘create spaces’ as I do here and to share what I have learned of being ‘place-less but with purpose’ because it allows me to form ‘greater’ structures around me than you might if you had a perfect fit in a particular place. My place, it seems, is the whole confusing, complex, crazy, thing. 

Anywhere. Everywhere. Right here and now because you reached out to me.

It is why I so desperately try to engender a simple understanding in others: that you are critical in your natural state. I don’t mean ‘younger you’ I mean the real you, the deeper true you, because that is what bears purpose and can help find or create place. I may have tried to be an artist, danced my way through years of my life, and been a warrior who defends those at risk around him, but those were never the real me. The real me.. you get to glimpse him here. None of this would exist if I had continued to fight the fact that I was endowed with my unique tool set and that with that came a ‘purpose’ that didn’t ‘fit’ everywhere.

You’re struggling with ‘fitting in’ and understanding why you are the way you are, but the struggle isn’t really with those ‘facts’ about yourself: it’s with the way they ‘fit’ with society and your environment. While it can be a survival strategy to ‘conceal’ those parts of yourself you must explore them safely. I don’t mean go out and do everything your sexuality entails, I mean explore: read, discover that you’re not the only person out there with your sexuality and that in such a discovery find community and get to know what it’s like when people with a shared trait create such a space together.

Remember to breathe. Give yourself a little time. Discover the borders of the pieces of your ‘self’ that don’t ‘fit’ where you are and the discomfort they create and then set yourself on the journey of finding that ‘place’ and ‘fit. It could be as simple as fitting with just one other piece with complimentary borders.

While the map may read: YOU ARE HERE, it’s only the beginning.

I know there’s much more specific you want to ask me. This was, you could say, a primer for what comes next. Ask me what you will and I’ll answer as best I can, but remember I’m the kind of person that will write a book in an answer because I feel you are worthy of it and because what YOU are enduring is a battle other people face daily and if I can ‘double down’ on what my work can do, I will do so.

Tell me what is truly bothering you about your sexuality and we’ll go from there but remember this lesson as a ‘square one’ “you are here” moment. The next steps we’ll take together and see what road opens for you that you might not have seen before.

Until then, you have my best wishes.

-Daddy

Things I've Learned Along the Way

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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mastersaysboysobey: I started my page to explore and live my kinky Dom side. It went lots of places and I’ve learned a lot, about me, the others and the scene.

This summarizes (yet still a bit long, but I felt it was necessary) all chats I’ve had with boys and other doms before. If u are in a hurry, just read the bold ones.

Having a kink might seem weird or complex, but in the end it’s just liking something people usually don’t. Being different. And that’s ok.

Embrace who you are and be happy with it. Be proud.

And by that, I don’t mean just embracing your submissive side. Or your Dom side. But all you are, all u want for life, whatever that might be.

A cumdump for men around? A muscle boy training to be better every day for your owner? A dom who wants a sub boyfriend? A sub and a Dom at the same time? Go for it.

It’s ok not liking everything. It’s ok being different from what u see around. This should be a place for exploring and trying what u want, not to be judged. You can get that on your everyday world.

Forget labels. They are boring. Be what you wanna be and someone will appreciate u for that.

There’s no right or wrong. And your body shape, dick size or bank account won’t say much about how much of a Dom or a sub u truly are. I’ve seen all types of both and it all depends on what u wanna be. Don’t judge based on the outside. Power, strength and resilience come from within.

Sometimes we get stuck in this fantasy world, seeing models, porn actors and porn scenes or people trying to do like those. And we think we gotta be like that.

But reality is much more complex and not always as glamorous and pretty (or rough and nasty haha) as we see around.

This is a fantasy world. Don’t forget reality out there can and probably will be different.

You don’t have to be marked and out to everyone as a sub, walk around in your lock or cage, to be a good one. Live it in the depth u want to. And that’s fine.

Being real means kink is just a part of your life. And it might be a huge part of yours, but it might not even be in someone else’s. So be careful with using some words outside a safe, known environment.

Rape might mean a rough, as the top wants fuck for u, but it also means pain, suffering and darkness for some other people out there.

Faggot might mean a submissive male here but it also carries prejudice and hate for some.

Words have power, never forget that.

In the end, always be clear about what u want and what they should expect from you. It’s an exchange.

Including power. That’s the base of it all. Doms have what subs give. Control, ownership, use. Otherwise it’s just abuse.

Some are learning still, some need more time or encouragement. Some won’t give u that. All is fine if it’s clear for all the ones involved.

Respect above all.

Between you and your partners. Between you and the ones around you. Between us all.

Your kink is not an excuse for being abusive. Or just a fucking cunt. For making anyone feel worthless. For hating anyone. For picking on races, gender roles, sexuality or whatever.

I guess it always comes down to this:

Be honest, healthy and happy. Safe, always. Explore and enjoy.

Honest with yourself and with others. About your needs, expectations and goals.

Healthy about your body and your mind. Some kinks involve dangerous stuff. Be aware if u ever decide to try them.

Safe from bad places, bad practices, bad people. They are all around.

Explore. Cause you might not like all u think you will. Or love what u thought you wouldn’t stand. That’s how we learn about ourselves and the scene.

And if you are not enjoying it, why are u doing it? Having a kink is already hard without people from inside judging and being shitty about it.

You’re not alone. Reach out and find those to help you grow.

If some people won’t or can’t understand it, a lot of them can and will. Find them. Your community, online or where u live. Talk about it.

Don’t be afraid to ask, to learn, to share. That’s how we can find each other. And improve the scene and start helping the ones dealing with toxic, bad examples out there.

It’s never easy. Work hard and give your best.

Be your best to serve the best. I’ve always told my boys that. And be the best to be served by the best. It works both ways.

And always do it for yourself, not just to please others. People come and go, but you’ll be with yourself every fucking day till u die.

Damn, what a long post haha

And just to be clear, that’s just part of MY experience with all of it. Some will disagree. Some will think less of me because of it. I don’t care.

I just want to improve the discussion around and show younger and inexperienced boys (and Doms and other people who are into any kink) that sometimes all u see around is not all there is.

If u agree or want to add anything, reblog, comment, share. It might help a lot of those who are starting their paths and may be lost or confused.

Take care.

King 86

How to Filter Reality From the Fantasy

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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Social media has made it easy to find people that share interests, but how do you recommend that I avoid the trap of fantasy that can happen when chatting on social media, vs the reality of different scenes. 

Papa Tony: 

That is a very perceptive question. Thank you. This touches upon one of my strongest opinions:
Short Answer

Run and find out! After a while, you’ll KNOW.

Life Is Risk

There are no guarantees in our lives. Nobody can perfectly predict outcomes. Life can be random. If we wait by the sidelines, waiting for the perfect moment before stepping into the game, then we rob ourselves of the time that we wasted, while doing nothing in particular

In order to become stronger, wiser and better, we have to skin our knees periodically. We have to accept the fact that there can be “bad” outcomes if we take a chance. In my own case, I like to joke that I throw myself off of cliffs on a regular basis. I do so, even when I might potentially fall onto broken rocks and get bruised.

Or, I Might Fly With The Eagles

I’ve lived a rich and rewarding life. I can’t begin to list the ways that my life has become a paradise. I did that. I created my own destiny, day after day, risk after risk.

A LOT of stuff happened along the way, bad and good. I would never have chosen some of it, but those experiences have ALSO made me into the man that I am.
First, Study Safety Tips

I love to find articles that explain better than I could on the topic of kinky safety. This is a very good one.

Be Careful, And ALSO Courageous

Ask yourself a question: When was the last time that you took a chance, and then crashed and burned? Be honest and really think about that. If you struggle to answer that question, maybe you have been unconsciously depending upon your gut-level responses.

If this is so, be glad. You have a powerful tool to guide you in your decisions. If a situation doesn’t feel right, step away and go in a different direction that feels better.

Face To Face Is Always Better.

Use your intuition to guide you, and don’t be afraid to say "No, thank you.” You always have that right. There are a zillion articles out there, warning folks to have coffee together to size each other up, rather than diving deep into a potentially hazardous kinky scene with a stranger. This is wise advice.

The key is to provide yourself with maximum bandwidth. Conversation using only plain text is only one percent of what you need. In a coffee shop, across the table, you can also be perceiving muscle tension, body language, breathing patterns and pupil dilation. You won’t be conscious of those things, but they will add to the overall first impression.

Practice using phrases such as “Thanks for the coffee. I don’t think that we are a match. I wish you the best.” If your intuition doesn’t feel right, listen to it. 

 
Gather Information, And Then Act

Sooner or later, you’ve gotten enough information through various means. Then, it behooves you to take some chances. If you want to have a happier, more fulfilled and satisfying life, you have to have goals, and then you have to do the work to make them happen.

You’re gonna fuck up periodically. Learn from it, dust your self off, and get back into the game. That’s how life works.

Mid-Life Crisis For Gay Male Kinksters, Explained: What Your Dad Never Told You

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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Well my question is about my master feelings I am 54 old always master, gay for 40 years. But I was married and got 5 children. My wife died few years ago and the children are old now. So I live my sexual life freely. I found a young guy who is a faggot but I need to transform him into someone stronger. And I m addicted of his dick and his cum… And I m ready to be a sub (few minutes) for him to try to build a better balanced relation… Do you think it would be the way?

Papa Tony:

I can’t imagine why not? In my life, I have heard from many, many strong, well-known, powerful and dominant men who feel boxed-in by what they perceive as the expectations of others. They are SO well-known for their Dom ways, they never can get around to expressing their OTHER desires.

This is a terrible shame. As I have said elsewhere, the pendulum of a man’s full experience needs to swing freely, if he is going to be healthy.

If there is one damn thing that I have learned as a man who went through the flames of the AIDS holocaust:

Tomorrow is Promised to No One

Life is random. The future pivots on a single moment. Go for the gold, because you may never have the chance again. I can tell you as an older man - The years go by really fast.

In my younger days, I was a “precocious” gay leatherman, Dom and kinkster. Young, actively kinky men like me used to be pretty rare. In the days before the Internet, probably 90% of gay men made the transition between WEARING leather (”Ooooh! This looks good on me”), and LIVING leather (being kinky) at around age 40 or so.

This is because they had started to see gray hairs and sagging muscles. Men hitting Middle Age suddenly have the clear knowledge that they need to make use of whatever they have left of the Young and Pretty, and as soon as possible. They can see the day coming when heads turn when they walk into a room, and then look away.

 

Some folks reach this age early - Usually, the ones who seek greater understanding of the world. Other men hit it much later than age 40. Surprisingly, I have found that the more that a man can still pretend to be in direct competition with the younger males, the later that he hits the wall and has to change direction. Hence, you will see truly older men who dye their hair, and pump serious iron at the gym, long after their bodies disagree with the plan. They still hit the wall head-on, when it is their turn.

“Mid-Life Crisis” = Heterosexual Viewpoint

The moment that males (ALL males) get hair on our balls, we strive to fit in. Run with the pack. That is why bullying kicks in so hard during the Junior High years. We try our hardest to fit in. We withhold uncomfortable truths about our selves, in order to get by. Nobody wants to be shunned, or attacked for being different.

Then, when the wrinkles and aching joints start to show up, we go through a natural male passage, that the larger society calls “Mid-Life Crisis.” Sure, it’s a definite crisis for a long-married straight man with a wife and kids to start dating a 17-year old, and to suddenly get that red convertible. The nest needs to be defended.

As men who have sex with men, then it’s somewhat different. Yes, a long-term male-male relationship can collapse when one man goes through a sudden change of perspective. I have also seen plenty of gay couples power on through the changes by making new agreements with each other, and carrying onward together for many more years.

Getting To The Other Side Of Mid-Life Crisis

The problem with Mid-Life Crisis is that it is SCARY to go through. I’ve mentored at least 100 men through this natural life-passage, including my oldest brother. I’ve given them certain tips:

• Avoid making any solid, life-changing decisions when the impulse hits you. Set a date, several months in the future, when it’s definitely time to start making plans that can affect those around you. Take some conscious time off to do some navel-gazing, processing and seeking assistance and advice.

• There no better time for you to take some inventory. You’ve had plenty of time to establish what your strengths and weaknesses are. Now get a better sense of your hardwired nature by taking the personality test, and then searching the Internet for more information about your personality-type. It can provide a desperately-needed foundation that you can stand upon, going forward.

• Get away from distractions for an afternoon. Bring nothing but a notepad and a pen. Sit under a tree, away from distractions, and just write whatever the fuck comes up. No editing. No second-guessing. It’s a way to let your subconscious mind express what it has been trying to say for a while. Don’t shut it down. There are some rich new insights, and you may be shocked at what insights arrive unexpectedly.

• Find role-models who have been through this before you. They can reassure you that you aren’t irretrievably broken. It truly is just a phase. A thoroughly natural one.

• The more that you DEAL with this phase in an active way, the sooner it will be over. You don’t want to resist the process, and “skid” along in a miserable fashion, for years.

• The stress that you are going through is because you are confronted with infinite choices in your life, after having had such sweet and consistent dependability. The feeling is like being in a magnetic storm, and your compass needle is wildly spinning. It will pass. I promise. It will pass.

• The best choice is to publicly admit what is going on, and to limit the doubts and fears of the ones around you that you aren’t freaking out. You are just going through a powerful period of reassessment. It is your birthright.

• Reassure your sweetie/partner/whatever that you are committed to coming out on the other side of this phase, STILL TOGETHER with them. This is a great idea. Don’t make any rash moves until you are SURE that you want to throw away your existing support. Don’t burn any bridge that you may need when you come out on the other side.

• As men who have sex and enjoy kinky pleasures with other men, we have more choices than our hetero brothers. Society hasn’t spent so much time potty-training us on how WE should behave. So, the new agreements between you and your significant other can be whatever the hell is true for the two of you. I have seen every kind of male-male relationship. Monogamy is simply not a big fucking deal, for successful long-term gay-male relationships.

In your own case, I am not surprised that this other side of you is emerging now. You finally have freedom from society’s strictures, and you want to enjoy ALL aspects of the Dom/sub scene. I wish you big success in your dreams, brother.