A BIG Endorsement for Professional Therapy

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Hello SIR, I enjoy Your blog very much! It has soooooo much information that is useful, I spend a couple hours just reading it all. I noticed that the Masters and Doms You talk about actually respect the sub. I, unfortunately, find myself attracted to the opposite: Doms who are mentally, physically and verbally abusive. I'm ashamed and worried that this is my "type" of Dom. It can't lead to anything good, so what's wrong with me? How do I change those desires? Can You help SIR?

Papa Tony:

Thanks for reaching out.  As I say elsewhere, I can give folks advice, AND, I am NOT a professional therapist.  I am a semi-retired computer consultant!

However, I am walking proof that just because someone comes from a bad beginning, they are NOT doomed to end up that way.  Quite the opposite!

I want to put in a BIG endorsement for professional therapy.  I've done many hours of it in my younger days.

Desperate For Help

I was spiraling downward in despair, and needed perspective and advice from outside of my narrow understanding of myself and my life.  I look back on my younger self and see somebody who barely held on by his fingernails, day after excruciating day.  Just about ANYTHING could trigger crying jags and self-destructive behavior.

I felt like my foot was nailed to the floor, and I was going around and around and around, repeating old patterns.  I felt trapped, with no way out.  I even attempted suicide a couple of times.

I persisted with my desire for a better life for myself.  I started therapy and the self-help workshops.  I became pissed off at the hateful programming from my Roman Catholic upbringing that had led me to such a terrible place.  Identifying the SOURCE of the negative shit helped a lot.

My day-to-day life got easier.  I started seeking out folks who could be my Family of Choice.  Mentors, too.

Hugging My Demons

I have learned that those old demons that tormented me never really go away, but they fade and LOSE RELEVANCE if you keep growing and gaining wisdom about yourself.  Even better, now, at this end of my life, I can laugh at those old demons and warmly embrace them without fear.  Now, they are just foibles.  I surely couldn't imagine that happening when I first started on my journey of personal growth.

Creating a Dream of a Better Future for Yourself

Being able to identify the source of a problem is very nice, and gives us something to point at, but the real work comes in creating a future for yourself that is way outside of the current pit of despair.  You have the power to create a much better version of yourself.  Don't settle for little dreams.  You have the power to dream REALLY BIG, and always did.  You aren't a permanent Victim of Circumstance.  You are a work in process.

In my own life, back around 1978, I was attending an early version of what is now the Landmark Forum.  One of the exercises that we did was creating a vision of how we wanted our lives to be in a perfect world.  When I told my first ideas to the moderator, he said "NO!  Dream BIGGER!"  So, I did.  I pulled some idealistic crap out of nowhere (and that I didn't believe in, at ALL, at the time):

• - I want to live a long life in excellent health, surrounded by lots of love and support.
• - I want to live in a house that I own, in a great neighborhood, with a yard for dogs and with great neighbors.
• - I want to find a career that satisfies me, and brings pleasure to others.

My Life As It Is, Now

Now, four decades later, I wish that I had dreamed even bigger, because ALL of those dreams came true.  I get more sweet and true hugs than anyone else that I know.  I am respected, calm and in love with life.  I have a Leather Family that is devoted and true.  I have a community that respects me and supports me.  

The HEALTH aspect is a work in process lately, but that's a genetic thing.  For someone in my family, my health has taken me farther than most.  My happiness is not dependent upon perfect health.

Getting Back To You:

It is very clear to me that you are pouring your heart out to me, and I am honored that you trust me with your vulnerability.  That's a good start.  Now, it's time to look at the paths available to you, and to take control of your destiny.

If you are financially poor, please consider finding a local LGBTQIA Center nearby.  They offer inexpensive or free therapy in most cities.  Consider group therapy, too.  Sometimes, it is nice to know that you are not the only one.

Don't give up.  You have value, and we need you around for a long time, so that you can give wise advice long after I am gone!

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For other viewpoints on self-care, check out the Mental Health section of the Archives.

Mental Health

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Self-Care Masterpost - Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. Sleep issues, Anxiety, Isolation and loneliness… 

A BIG Endorsement for Professional Therapy - I, unfortunately, find myself attracted to Doms who are mentally, physically and verbally abusive. I'm ashamed and worried that this is my "type" of Dom.

Errors in Thinking that Create Anxiety - 2.Overgeneralization: Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I didn’t get hired for the job. I’ll never get any job.”)

I Struggle With Self-Harm - Here's what I'd say, you're right you do have to be able to tell your Sir. There’re at least two things that come to mind. First up, maybe write him an email/letter.

Developing An Allergy To Abuse - How to spot it, BEFORE it becomes a problem.

What If You're Already Perfect, The Way That You Are? - We all have flaws.  Let's not pretend otherwise.

What To Do When Feeling Down - I had a time where I was having zero luck finding submissives and had no clue what if anything I was doing wrong. I concluded that I should instead focus on being the most appealing mate possible…

Withholding Communication As An Abusive Weapon - Recognizing and understanding it when it happens

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The following links are from the BDSM Links And Resources, created by desires-of-a-dominant-man on Tumblr. I rescued it from Tumblr's burning wreckage, so that this valuable information doesn't get lost.

He says:

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves:

• BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers
• Body image & BDSM
• How to Get Over Feeling Sad
• Is BDSM normal?
• Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!
• Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship
• Meditation And Mindfulness
• On Cutting
• Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories
• Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction
• Tips for Recovering from Codependency
• What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)
• Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

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fistfuckgaygr: The best way I’ve heard submission described was at M/s conference in 2008: Submission is not following your Master. It is preceding him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any pitfalls or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him, to guide and navigate, to keep you safe.

The most common way I’ve heard Dominance described uses words that I wouldn’t use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dominant posts, and a lot of “Submissives Deserve XYZ” posts. But one thing I’ve almost never heard…what do Dominants deserve? Where is our “10” list?

1. Know your Responsibilities.

Dominants have responsibilities. We hear a LOT about that in our community. We have the responsibility to be forgiving and understanding. We have the responsibility to be strong and independent. We have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to accept accountability for whatever happens with the submissive. We have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and (often) our submissives’ actions.

Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities. Those are play rules, or relationship kinks.) Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with your Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with your partner. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

2. Remember Patience?
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is a little girl…
When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.The same with fetishes. I understand you are a HUGE anal slut. But let’s build up to that. 

Yes, I can probably put together a scene with 23 different ass sensation toys, and a half dozen different positions, with FancyRopeWork ™. But why? Let’s share other experiences. Let’s learn each other before moving into what should be a permanent relationship.It takes time before a dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for us to learn your little idiosyncrasies. It takes experience to recognize your body language, and to be able to intuit your fears and your feelings. There will be false starts, and stops, and pitfalls, and awkward situations. If you actually want a relationship with your Dominant…be realistic about it. (see #3)Expecting us to immediately rock your world…it happens sometimes. But most of the time, it takes time and effort before we know you well enough to really rock out.

3. Have Realistic Expectations.

You aren’t perfect? Well, neither am We. We’re learning every day. A good Dominant (one who will eventually be worthy of the title “Master”) is constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading. Expecting a 29 year old to pay for all your dates, have a fully equipped dungeon, be the perfect boyfriend, help pay your rent when you’re behind, god-like lover, and be a Master-of-All-Toys is, frankly, naive.

It takes a lot of work to build a relationship - and that relationship has to be built from both ends. We understand that you are sacrificing a lot when you surrender your body - often, so are we (see #9). We are as giving as we can be of our time, our money, and our emotions. It hurts us just as much when we’re dropped, dumped, manipulated or lied to. 

But, you may have noticed, we don’t have “Dominant support” groups, by and large. So while you’re risking more of your body and heart on the front end – we’re risking a hell of a lot of our soul and our mind on the back end.If we’re with you, and making an honest effort…respect that. We respect you (even when we’re calling you cunts while whipping your ass) for your ability to take pain and suffering and then turn it into something amazing. We recognize your talents and efforts. Please, recognize ours.

4. Consistency.

It’s a real roller coaster ride to have a submissive who is one person in the morning, another at night, and a complete third when he skips his meds (see #7). And roller coasters are fun…but they don’t make for great daily activities.

We’re going to do the best we can to enforce the rules consistently. To respond to your needs as much as we can, when we can. To be the same Dominant on Monday that we are Saturday night. What we ask in return? The same thing from you. Make the effort (see #9) to follow those rules. Don’t give us the A#1 effort Saturday night at the party, and then just coast on the relationship for the rest of the week.There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Monday through Sunday in his level of devotion, his level of commitment, and his level of caring. We honestly don’t care if that level is low, medium, high, or barely existent. We’ll work with that – that’s what a Dominant does. We motivate, we train, and we guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… the greatest Master in the scene couldn’t deal with that 24/7. Neither can we.

5. Discretion within the relationship.

Yeah, so. Going online and chatting in a slaves group, or on Fet, about how your Master doesn’t scratch your itch, or how you’re so disappointed he didn’t do SexyMoveA#1 last night? That’s not cool. We don’t (believe it or not) go around gossiping with every Dominant we know about how tight your ass was last night, or how funny you looked sobbing after an emotional edge play scene. Please have the same courtesy - don’t assume that just because you’re the submissive, you can talk about anything in our relationship that you want to and call it “submissive sharing”. If you have a genuine issue in the relationship - we should be the first person you talk to about it. Not your online friends. 

See #10 about that.

This is not an endorsement of abuse. If you are being abused (physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, etc.), for the love of God, go to your local shelter. Your nearest victim advocate. Or the closest police station.But please bear in mind – below that particular level? Relationships will always have problems…talking to your partner solves a LOT of them.

6. Trust. (No really, actual trust, not “earn it or else” trust)

No, this doesn’t mean trust me immediately from word one. That would be insane.
But this ties in with #8 and #9. You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication (see #10). From both parties. Trust is a two way street. If your Dominant has to constantly prove that he’s worthy of your trust, then why are you with him?I was once with a btm who had me convinced that it was a Dominant’s job to constantly be earning and re-earning trust. I heard the mantra of “a Master /earns/ trust” at least once a day. The entire relationship was one long marathon of constant effort to “earn” his trust by doing everything he wanted, and never disagreeing with him. It took a slap ‘round the head and shoulders by a senior Dominant and very trusted friend before I realized that I was being used.

7. Sanity.
This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle. If you have depression, bi-polar, manic episodes, or have been described by previous friends, dominants or family members as a “wild and crazy” type…the odds are that you, in fact, need therapy. Possibly medication. There’s no shame in that – a HUGE percentage of people in this modern world have psychological issues that need to be addressed with pills or therapy. Please seek it BEFORE approaching a dominant. We, in return, will attempt to do the same for our own issues. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships should be done AFTER the mental health issues are addressed and under control.

8. Stop Recycling the Past.

Your last Dominant hurt you. Or didn’t measure up. I understand that, personally. My last submissive didn’t either (see #7). But that said…this is us, starting fresh. I certainly want to know if your last Dom was abusive, hurtful, or cruel. You need to know if my last submissive was, too. That’s part of the whole “communication skills” thing in #10 and it will affect how we interact. I do NOT, however, need to hear a daily address list of the A-Z of everything you ever disliked about him…or a weekly update on how I compare to him. Considering that I probably don’t do any of the former, and don’t care about the latter. This is a new relationship. You wouldn’t enjoy me constantly comparing you, out loud, to my last girl. You wouldn’t enjoy an intimate partner constantly comparing you to their last lover. I don’t enjoy it either. Keep the past, in the past.

9. Honest Effort and Understanding.

You want us to know how hard submission is? Well, we want you to know how hard Domination is. We have to think in three dimensions about the emotional and psychological impact of everything from our tone of voice to our tools, from our clothes and cologne to our cock and cunt hair. It’s exhausting at times, and just like submissives…sometimes we burn out. Sometimes we’re too tired to be SparkleMasterLeatherDom/me. And just like we are expected (by our Dominant brothers and sisters, if not by our submissives) to be consistently understanding and supportive of slaves rights and feelings…we deserve a little consideration ourselves.

10. Communication Skills.

Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. Please note the “and”. You AND me. Kenova AND Cassie. Snowy AND Toy. The “and”? That has a lot of meaning. It means that just as much as you expect us, the Dominants, to communicate with you about your training and performance…we expect the same. We deserve the same. If you have concerns - you need to talk to us, not post it on Fetlife. If you feel hurt, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your Dom, not slam them to all of your friends. If you honestly believe that your Dom has problems? Talk to them about it. Be a big girl/boy/boi/slave/slut/whore/bottom/queer/toy/androgyne.

But if you can’t communicate at least as well as you expect your Dominant to communicate to you? If you aren’t making the honest effort (see #9) to become a better communicator? Then you’re the problem, not the Dom.

The Value of Taking Chances, and Becoming Wiser

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“When one jumps over the edge, one is bound to land somewhere.”

thedominantprompts: 

Life is a constant balance of risk and reward. The greatest rewards often require the greatest risks in order to pay off. I’ve been continually learning and refining this lesson ever since I was young; rarely if ever will you reap great rewards for low risk taken.

This is what this quote speaks of to me; it speaks of one who has reached an edge, a limit, a stopping point. Often times, when we reach edges and limits, we stop and look. We think, rethink, and second-guess. Many times - maybe most times - we end up taking a step back, or walking away. But when we should choose to jump over the edge - when we push the limit, attempt to break past the barrier, and reach further than some defined line - in that moment when we are metaphorically two feet in the air, we have the opportunity for greatest reward.

What goes up must come down; one is bound to land somewhere. That somewhere may not be where you expected to land. You may miss your mark completely. You may fall in the water; you may fall and tumble. You may have a bad memory of a previous jump over a previous edge that makes you never want to try again. But this is, truly, the essence of life: to fear, and fail, and jump again anyway.

The greatest risk, the greatest fear, the scariest jump that I have observed in my short years is the risk of being yourself. And this can mean any number of things in a number of scenarios. But in the end, it means not worrying about what other people will think or judge, that they’ll find you weird or damaged or lacking. That you’ll deviate from some established societal norm. We certainly know what that feels like in the BDSM community sometimes.

It never becomes easy, really. Repeated practice makes it come quicker, like a battle drill, like standing at the edge of a plane with a parachute on your back, but that moment of fear and panic as you stand at the edge never really goes away no matter how many times you jump.

And that’s what BDSM is to me - heightened risk, heightened reward. For what is risk but making yourself vulnerable to pain and loss? And it’s not just about pain; for some, there’s no pain involved at all. It’s about complete openness, honesty, and communication. Being really fully naked and vulnerable in a raw and real way.

And when we open ourselves to the greatest vulnerability, we leap to the opportunity for the greatest rewards.

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Papa Tony:

I am big fan of taking chances, and then LEARNING from them.

Many folks crave a life that is a flat, horizontal  line.  Nothing changes.  The only person who REALLY lives a life like that is… a dead person.

Many folks are terrified of taking chances, because WHAT IF I FAIL?!??  Sure, that protects them from disaster, but it also cuts off the possibility that life can have big, beautiful peaks of triumphant growth and happiness.

If you keep learning from every experience, and taking more chances, you become WISER.  Then, you still have peaks and valleys in your experiences, but the trend is UPWARDS.  Like this:

So, over time, as we become wiser, the lows aren't AS low, and the highs just keep getting better.

Accept Who You Are And Keep It Real!

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"I have to ask: where did you come up with such a straightforward and realistic view of BDSM?"
Master Chuck:

I get some really nice mail from people reading this blog and one of them recently asked the above question. I think those of us who have spent more years without an internet than we have with it, are probably more inclined to be realistic about concepts like BDSM. Prior to the Age of Instant Information, researching and exploring something as taboo as BDSM or power exchange relationships required meeting people, networking and sharing information. It required human interaction. Human interaction is real. The internet has removed the necessity of human interaction and replaced it with graphic images, perfect bodies, perfection. In other words, a fantasy land.

I’ve said before I’ve been fascinated with the power exchange dynamic all my life. Most young boys play games that involve rope and tying each other up. For a few of us, those games were more than games. They were our first glimpses into an erotic double entendre - a kid’s game on the surface but, at the same time, an intriguing encounter with power and control. If one followed his instinct, he likely kept his new fascination to himself.

Not being a particularly brave person, I made a lot of “safe” choices, rather than “satisfying” choices. Marriage, kids, job - all safe. My growing interests in BDSM and all the enticing possibilities of that arena were neatly suppressed - or that was my hope.

Some can hold it together a lifetime and, for others, the cracks appear and grow bigger. Either way, the need to explore those dark feelings and desires never go away and a divorce eventually opened the door to a very different life and the freedom to explore the reality of power exchange.

I moved cautiously but I met real people, made real friends, had real relationships that involved the power exchange dynamic. By meeting people, I discovered there really were couples where one was dominant and called the shots, while the other was submissive and did as he was told. To this day I remember how shocked I was the first time I witnessed an Alpha tell his partner to fetch the paddle and drop his pants - in front of guests, no less! 

The sub did as he was told, accepted the swats and, with a very red face, pulled up his jeans. What I witnessed was not a game or scene but a part of the dynamic that made their relationship work for each of them. Over time I met many power exchange couples, some rigid Master/slave relationships and others more on the Domestic Discipline side.

Meeting people and making friends in the power exchange community eclipses what passes for “social networking” today. Becoming involved in organizations that foster safe, sane and consensual play played a huge role in exposing me to the people, activities and relationships that comprise the real Dominant-submissive community. And with that support mechanism behind me, I have had the opportunity to live and experience the realities of the real power exchange.

All that is still in place and available to anyone who wants it badly enough to step back from the fantasy world of the internet and step into the real world of power exchange. And lest anyone think that living in a large city is required to meet people and be involved, remember that people with a taste for power exchange live everywhere. It’s a matter of finding each other.

The internet is probably the greatest tool of our age but it has made power exchange relationships appear to be all fantasy, without limits and unattainable for anyone living in the real world with a job, family and friends. And that is why I post the commentaries that I do and make an effort to clearly separate what is fantasy and what is reality - sometimes feeling like the Lone Ranger but the positive feedback makes it all worth it.

Accept who you are and keep it real!

Maybe I’m Not Dominant Enough?

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I strive every day to be a good dom. Maybe I'm just not dominant enough but I'm having trouble connecting with a submissive. I'm not sure if I'm doing something fatally wrong as I am new to this lifestyle. Any help or advice u could offer would be greatly appreciated.

LMS:

This is one of the most common questions I get asked, so first just know that you’re not alone in this.

The phrase “maybe I’m not dominant enough” makes me think you are probably making one of the biggest mistakes that new doms on the scene make. See, it’s not about displaying dominance. It’s about showing that you’re someone worth submitting to.

Actively trying to display dominance often has the opposite of the intended effect, especially when you don’t really know someone. It comes across as laughably childish and poorly conceived, an idea that stereotypical “alpha” behavior is what attracts submissives. I can tell you for sure that this isn’t the case.

Every submissive partner I’ve had has sought me out. I am not in the habit of approaching people. Most of them didn’t even know I was into kink or identified as dominant until they asked. It’s not something I go around broadcasting.

I was always curious about what it was about me, specifically, that made submissives look at me and go “that’s a dom”. So I asked. I’ve asked every single submissive partner I’ve had what made them seek me out.

I expected some of them to say it was about my look. I’m a broad shouldered, barrel chested, square jawed old fighter and I know that appeals to some people. But not a single one of them said it was my look.

I expected some of them to say it was about my presence; I walk the earth like a man who fears nothing and it’s noticeable. But nobody said it was about my presence.

I expected some of them to say it was my drive; I finished my MBA at the top of my class and have a reputation in my field for being someone who gets things done in ways most people never will. But none of them said it was about my drive.

The answers I got from all of them were nearly identical: They saw the quiet confidence with which I held myself. They heard a humble certainty in my words. They observed that I always did what I said I was going to do and always treated people with kindness, regardless of who they were or what they did. They saw that I lived mindfully and put a great deal of thought and consideration into the way I spoke to people. That I put others before myself. That I genuinely cared about the well-being of everyone in my life.

And I know this isn’t an answer that most who have this same question will like. Because there isn’t a big, easy “NOTICE ME” flag you can fly here. The way, the ONLY way is a long journey of self-improvement. Because all the cockiness or bravado in the world isn’t going to make anyone want to kneel. If that were the case, every Frat Bro in the world would be a dom. The only thing that makes someone want to kneel to you is for them to look at you and know that you are someone they can believe in.

I hope this helps.

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Papa Tony:

I've spoken similarly, here.

A Considerate, Courteous And Courtly Sadist

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Anonymous: Despite your sadism, you come across as a considerate, courteous and even courtly individual. I'm not sure I'd be able to reconcile those aspects in me if I had them. If you don't mind my asking, how does one do that?

Unknown Author:

Thank you for the observation.  I had not thought of this dichotomy as somehow being contradictory.  To me, it is simply a matter of accepting who and what I am and living accordingly.

It seems to me, though, that we all have such dichotomies. I have a friend who has a slapstick, silly sense of humor that seems to always be in the forefront.  Yet, he is also one of the most serious and profound thinkers I know.  I know of others who seem to be intensely rational, always leading with their minds. But they also have very deep feelings which come out at times and even overwhelm them for periods at a time.

So, I am not sure there is any contrariness, much less contradiction, to being sadistic, even intensely so as I am, and also being considerate, courteous and courtly.  Just different aspects of my personality and person, each of which I hopefully express at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way.

I should add, though.  When I was young I was not as accepting of my sadism as i am now and wondered if there was something wrong with me that I not only enjoyed but was sexually aroused by hurting another man.  It took me some time, but I came to peace with it and accepted who I am.

In many ways, it was similar to coming to peace with my homosexuality, but accepting the sadism was harder.

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Papa Tony:

I have always had hardcore sadism inside of me.  I call it the Dragon, and it needs to be let out once in a while.  I can choose to be a bad man and hurt people emotionally, physically and sexually without any consideration for how it affects others.

Or, I can choose to be an ethical sadist.

I live my life every day, endeavoring to be an honorable, lovable, respectable and authentically good man.  I ONLY let the Beast out to play when it is with someone who will thank me afterward.

It's no more complicated than that.

Training, For a Boy

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Alexander Martin:

I get a lot of messages from guys asking me to train them. Based on their requests, I feel that there’s some confusion about what training is and what it does for a boy. So I’m going to briefly discuss what training is and is not.

If you are a dominant and you are being trained. It means that you are learning skills. Those might be, how to work the mind of a boy, how to tie knots, how to do suspension safely, how to safely do electro, etc. When a dominant is trained it is how to hurt or not hurt people safely.

If you are a submissive and you are being “trained” you are most likely serving a dominant and learning how to service him to his liking in whatever capacity you have agreed to serve. Submissives do not need to know the same kind of technical skills as a dominant does. So training is therefore more about the experience of serving a dominant and doing so to please him.

To walk up to a dominant and say “I want you to train me.” Is effectively to say, I want to submit to you. As a result, if you want a dominant to spend time, energy, and effort on the experience you will have with him it’s important to know how you can give back to that person in exchange for their efforts. This is not to say Dominance and submission (D/s) is transactional, but rather that D/s is a relationship and a bond. And the best relationships have some level of reciprocity (whatever you both agree to) that satisfies both parties. Since “training” is more of a matter of having the experience of submitting to a man after which you expect to feel more comfortable in your role or come to realizations or refinements of your technique. It is wise to approach this submission with a sense both of what you want to get out of it and what you are willing to provide in exchange. A relationship in which one side gives and the other takes without giving back will end quickly.

Being trained is about being submissive to that particular man and getting to experience your submission through service to him. It is also about growing that bond with that dominant. This is not to say that the bond is necessarily romantic, for many men it is sexual or even based in friendship. But since the bond and relationship to the Man you serve is what the training is about, training is an ongoing process. You receive feedback, get praised for what you do well, repeat, and attempt to do better and do so more skillfully.

You should come away from training with a sense of accomplishment over time, a sense of how you’ve grown or are growing. You will not receive a certification that “training is complete”. It does not become a title that you may adopt and show to new dominants. It is a state of being where you are now different from the submissive you were because you have grown during this service.

Why Some Gay Men Should Worry More About Their Maturity Than Their Masculinity

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Anonymous: I think this is worth a read for a developing Dom… or a developing sub for that matter. It dovetails with one of the big points I get from The Heart of Dominance: a guide to practicing consensual dominance where the author stated it was the job of the Dom to be a safe place for a submissive to express his submission. I think this is part of that.

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David Hudson says notions around masculinity belong to another age
David Hudson

I don’t tend to expect enlightenment from gay hook-up apps, but I was struck by the words I read recently on one man’s profile.

‘My dad taught me that a real man is someone who makes others feel comfortable in their presence.’

What an admirable quality to aim for: to make others feel comfortable and at ease around one’s self. How many of us consciously or unconsciously strive for that?

To make others feel comfortable shows compassion and kindness: two qualities not linked very often with masculinity.

Instead, masculinity is linked with ‘courage’, ‘strength’, the impulse to hold it all together and not talk about our feelings.

Most of us know how toxic notions of masculinity can be. Statistics show suicide to be the number one killer of young men in many nations. Men who tried too hard to hold it all together or didn’t think they could ask for help.

Gay men, in particular, struggle with notions of masculinity.

We often grow up in societies that tell us we are the antithesis of masculine. Sometimes this leads to over-compensation. We adopt ‘straight-acting’ personas or hyper-masculine clothing, as if to say, ‘Look, I’m just as much of a man as anyone else!’

Thinking more on those profile words though, it occurred to me that ‘making others feel comfortable’ shouldn’t be a ‘man’ trait.

The writer’s father no doubt came from a more gentlemanly age: one defined by gender-specific manners. Today, gender lines are crumbling. Trans models feature on the cover of fashion magazines. Toy stores are eliminating ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ sections. High-street clothing retailers are following suit.

‘Making others feel comfortable’ is not a ‘man’, ‘woman’ or non-binary thing, but surely just a sign of maturity? Something we all, as adults, should strive for.

But we don’t. Some people feel empowered to intimidate others. Some people get a kick out of putting others down. Others can’t wait to point out the faults or shortcomings of friends or acquaintances, whether their criticism was sought or not.

Again, sometimes gay people are guilty here. In fact, for a whole raft of reasons, often rooted in poor self-esteem, internalized homophobia or shame, I’ve known gay men to behave in a very immature fashion.

The ‘bitchy queen’ stereotype exists for a reason.

I’ve been there myself.

Of course, behaving in an immature fashion is not the preserve of LGBTI people. Successful individuals and powerful figures across society – even world leaders! – can behave with a shocking lack of maturity at times.

That’s when it occurred to me: rather than getting tangled up in whether I’m masculine enough, or manly enough, the bigger challenge is whether I’m behaving with maturity.

Anyone can ‘act’ straight. It’s much harder to resist our more childish impulses.

Did I behave like a man? Or did I behave like an adult?

Rather than promoting yourself as ‘Masc4Masc’, you may be surprised how much more of a catch you are if you strive to behave simply like a compassionate grown-up.

@davidhudson_uk

Better Adult, Better Dom

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I strive every day to be a good dom. Maybe I'm just not dominant enough but I'm having trouble connecting with a submissive. I'm not sure if I'm doing something fatally wrong as I am new to this lifestyle. Any help or advice u could offer would be greatly appreciated.

-LMS:

This is one of the most common questions I get asked, so first just know that you’re not alone in this.

The phrase “maybe I’m not dominant enough” makes me think you are probably making one of the biggest mistakes that new doms on the scene make. See, it’s not about displaying dominance. It’s about showing that you’re someone worth submitting to.

Actively trying to display dominance often has the opposite of the intended effect, especially when you don’t really know someone. It comes across as laughably childish and poorly conceived, an idea that stereotypical “alpha” behavior is what attracts submissives. I can tell you for sure that this isn’t the case.

Every submissive partner I’ve had has sought me out. I am not in the habit of approaching people. Most of them didn’t even know I was into kink or identified as dominant until they asked. It’s not something I go around broadcasting.

I was always curious about what it was about me, specifically, that made submissives look at me and go “that’s a dom”. So I asked. I’ve asked every single submissive partner I’ve had what made them seek me out.

I expected some of them to say it was about my look. I’m a broad shouldered, barrel chested, square jawed old fighter and I know that appeals to some people. But not a single one of them said it was my look.

I expected some of them to say it was about my presence; I walk the earth like a man who fears nothing and it’s noticeable. But nobody said it was about my presence.

I expected some of them to say it was my drive; I finished my MBA at the top of my class and have a reputation in my field for being someone who gets things done in ways most people never will. But none of them said it was about my drive.

The answers I got from all of them were nearly identical: They saw the quiet confidence with which I held myself. They heard a humble certainty in my words. They observed that I always did what I said I was going to do and always treated people with kindness, regardless of who they were or what they did. They saw that I lived mindfully and put a great deal of thought and consideration into the way I spoke to people. That I put others before myself. That I genuinely cared about the well-being of everyone in my life.

And I know this isn’t an answer that most who have this same question will like. Because there isn’t a big, easy “NOTICE ME” flag you can fly here. The way, the ONLY way is a long journey of self-improvement. Because all the cockiness or bravado in the world isn’t going to make anyone want to kneel. If that were the case, every Frat Bro in the world would be a dom. The only thing that makes someone want to kneel to you is for them to look at you and know that you are someone they can believe in.

I hope this helps.