10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

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fistfuckgaygr: The best way I’ve heard submission described was at M/s conference in 2008: Submission is not following your Master. It is preceding him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any pitfalls or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him, to guide and navigate, to keep you safe.

The most common way I’ve heard Dominance described uses words that I wouldn’t use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dominant posts, and a lot of “Submissives Deserve XYZ” posts. But one thing I’ve almost never heard…what do Dominants deserve? Where is our “10” list?

1. Know your Responsibilities.

Dominants have responsibilities. We hear a LOT about that in our community. We have the responsibility to be forgiving and understanding. We have the responsibility to be strong and independent. We have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to accept accountability for whatever happens with the submissive. We have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and (often) our submissives’ actions.

Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities. Those are play rules, or relationship kinks.) Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with your Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with your partner. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

2. Remember Patience?
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is a little girl…
When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.The same with fetishes. I understand you are a HUGE anal slut. But let’s build up to that. 

Yes, I can probably put together a scene with 23 different ass sensation toys, and a half dozen different positions, with FancyRopeWork ™. But why? Let’s share other experiences. Let’s learn each other before moving into what should be a permanent relationship.It takes time before a dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for us to learn your little idiosyncrasies. It takes experience to recognize your body language, and to be able to intuit your fears and your feelings. There will be false starts, and stops, and pitfalls, and awkward situations. If you actually want a relationship with your Dominant…be realistic about it. (see #3)Expecting us to immediately rock your world…it happens sometimes. But most of the time, it takes time and effort before we know you well enough to really rock out.

3. Have Realistic Expectations.

You aren’t perfect? Well, neither am We. We’re learning every day. A good Dominant (one who will eventually be worthy of the title “Master”) is constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading. Expecting a 29 year old to pay for all your dates, have a fully equipped dungeon, be the perfect boyfriend, help pay your rent when you’re behind, god-like lover, and be a Master-of-All-Toys is, frankly, naive.

It takes a lot of work to build a relationship - and that relationship has to be built from both ends. We understand that you are sacrificing a lot when you surrender your body - often, so are we (see #9). We are as giving as we can be of our time, our money, and our emotions. It hurts us just as much when we’re dropped, dumped, manipulated or lied to. 

But, you may have noticed, we don’t have “Dominant support” groups, by and large. So while you’re risking more of your body and heart on the front end – we’re risking a hell of a lot of our soul and our mind on the back end.If we’re with you, and making an honest effort…respect that. We respect you (even when we’re calling you cunts while whipping your ass) for your ability to take pain and suffering and then turn it into something amazing. We recognize your talents and efforts. Please, recognize ours.

4. Consistency.

It’s a real roller coaster ride to have a submissive who is one person in the morning, another at night, and a complete third when he skips his meds (see #7). And roller coasters are fun…but they don’t make for great daily activities.

We’re going to do the best we can to enforce the rules consistently. To respond to your needs as much as we can, when we can. To be the same Dominant on Monday that we are Saturday night. What we ask in return? The same thing from you. Make the effort (see #9) to follow those rules. Don’t give us the A#1 effort Saturday night at the party, and then just coast on the relationship for the rest of the week.There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Monday through Sunday in his level of devotion, his level of commitment, and his level of caring. We honestly don’t care if that level is low, medium, high, or barely existent. We’ll work with that – that’s what a Dominant does. We motivate, we train, and we guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… the greatest Master in the scene couldn’t deal with that 24/7. Neither can we.

5. Discretion within the relationship.

Yeah, so. Going online and chatting in a slaves group, or on Fet, about how your Master doesn’t scratch your itch, or how you’re so disappointed he didn’t do SexyMoveA#1 last night? That’s not cool. We don’t (believe it or not) go around gossiping with every Dominant we know about how tight your ass was last night, or how funny you looked sobbing after an emotional edge play scene. Please have the same courtesy - don’t assume that just because you’re the submissive, you can talk about anything in our relationship that you want to and call it “submissive sharing”. If you have a genuine issue in the relationship - we should be the first person you talk to about it. Not your online friends. 

See #10 about that.

This is not an endorsement of abuse. If you are being abused (physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, etc.), for the love of God, go to your local shelter. Your nearest victim advocate. Or the closest police station.But please bear in mind – below that particular level? Relationships will always have problems…talking to your partner solves a LOT of them.

6. Trust. (No really, actual trust, not “earn it or else” trust)

No, this doesn’t mean trust me immediately from word one. That would be insane.
But this ties in with #8 and #9. You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication (see #10). From both parties. Trust is a two way street. If your Dominant has to constantly prove that he’s worthy of your trust, then why are you with him?I was once with a btm who had me convinced that it was a Dominant’s job to constantly be earning and re-earning trust. I heard the mantra of “a Master /earns/ trust” at least once a day. The entire relationship was one long marathon of constant effort to “earn” his trust by doing everything he wanted, and never disagreeing with him. It took a slap ‘round the head and shoulders by a senior Dominant and very trusted friend before I realized that I was being used.

7. Sanity.
This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle. If you have depression, bi-polar, manic episodes, or have been described by previous friends, dominants or family members as a “wild and crazy” type…the odds are that you, in fact, need therapy. Possibly medication. There’s no shame in that – a HUGE percentage of people in this modern world have psychological issues that need to be addressed with pills or therapy. Please seek it BEFORE approaching a dominant. We, in return, will attempt to do the same for our own issues. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships should be done AFTER the mental health issues are addressed and under control.

8. Stop Recycling the Past.

Your last Dominant hurt you. Or didn’t measure up. I understand that, personally. My last submissive didn’t either (see #7). But that said…this is us, starting fresh. I certainly want to know if your last Dom was abusive, hurtful, or cruel. You need to know if my last submissive was, too. That’s part of the whole “communication skills” thing in #10 and it will affect how we interact. I do NOT, however, need to hear a daily address list of the A-Z of everything you ever disliked about him…or a weekly update on how I compare to him. Considering that I probably don’t do any of the former, and don’t care about the latter. This is a new relationship. You wouldn’t enjoy me constantly comparing you, out loud, to my last girl. You wouldn’t enjoy an intimate partner constantly comparing you to their last lover. I don’t enjoy it either. Keep the past, in the past.

9. Honest Effort and Understanding.

You want us to know how hard submission is? Well, we want you to know how hard Domination is. We have to think in three dimensions about the emotional and psychological impact of everything from our tone of voice to our tools, from our clothes and cologne to our cock and cunt hair. It’s exhausting at times, and just like submissives…sometimes we burn out. Sometimes we’re too tired to be SparkleMasterLeatherDom/me. And just like we are expected (by our Dominant brothers and sisters, if not by our submissives) to be consistently understanding and supportive of slaves rights and feelings…we deserve a little consideration ourselves.

10. Communication Skills.

Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. Please note the “and”. You AND me. Kenova AND Cassie. Snowy AND Toy. The “and”? That has a lot of meaning. It means that just as much as you expect us, the Dominants, to communicate with you about your training and performance…we expect the same. We deserve the same. If you have concerns - you need to talk to us, not post it on Fetlife. If you feel hurt, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your Dom, not slam them to all of your friends. If you honestly believe that your Dom has problems? Talk to them about it. Be a big girl/boy/boi/slave/slut/whore/bottom/queer/toy/androgyne.

But if you can’t communicate at least as well as you expect your Dominant to communicate to you? If you aren’t making the honest effort (see #9) to become a better communicator? Then you’re the problem, not the Dom.

Is Love Different in D/s Relationships Compared To Vanilla Ones?

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Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?
thedominantprompts:

No.

The quality of love never changes regardless of whether one is in a D/s or vanilla relationship. Love comes in many forms and is different in its every occurrence, but the quality of love - that which is immutable, that which remains steadfast and constant - is the same.

It was probably well over a decade ago that I heard these words, but they hit me with such force and rang so true that they have been burned into my mind ever since:

“Love can’t wait to give; lust can’t wait to get.”

I have constantly used this phrase as a gauge of my intentions ever since I heard them. They have never led me wrong, and they have prevented me from lying to myself many a time. And at its core, it remains the best explanation of love I have ever heard. Love can’t wait to give, lust can’t wait to get. By this standard of love, there is no difference between D/s and vanilla.

There are many other measures of love, of course. The famous verse from 1st Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind.” But do you know the rest of it as well? "It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.“ No difference there either.

I could go on with this forever so I’ll stop there, since you get the idea. The quality of love, that which endures, is no different in a D/s relationship as it is in a vanilla one.

That is not to say that a D/s relationship is no different from a vanilla one. I’ve written many times on my thoughts why this is not the case; the most recent example being my thoughts on an old DwP post:

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missharpersworld:

((I saved these pearls of wisdom before DwP took down his blog for those of us who still desperately need his wisdom))

DwP Says:

“The Problems Started After I Moved In”

When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation. Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.

Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say.

Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography.

Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenents accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it’s very easy to learn what these are—you know, inanities like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “the best tops started out as bottoms”—and then rattle them off like a parrot) you’ll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) “loving” dominant, a paragon of the Scene.
It’s incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance.

It’s so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this “act,” they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such “dominants” begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they’ve never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.

Such a superdork, er—excuse me—superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.

Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you. Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochistically than have the ability to do it well.

To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant’s part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy-laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.

As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)—even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive—requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one’s submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship.

Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties—at first—with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It’s not a matter of being “submissive enough.”

It’s entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn’t born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master’s needs first. In fact, she’s taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience.

The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.

The early “hell” years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life.

When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for “forcing” her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it’s awfully hard if you’ve had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But “getting back” at a resistant or upset submissive who’s wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power.

Your submissive learns that you can’t control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you’re really just an angry, scared, or wounded little child who is no more emotionally mature than she.

As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.

There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. 

The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.

Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:

Self-Control

If you can’t control yourself—your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out—you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive’s actions, however you may dislike them, are not about you. 

They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically—i.e., with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness—when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.

Stubborness and Emotional Resilience

People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it.

A dominant must actually be dominant—must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive’s resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.

Responsibility

Owning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant’s responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it’s much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it’s more like having a child.

You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do—or don’t do—are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. Y

ou have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You’re steering the ship. You’re the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don’t work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.

Maturity

A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A child in an adult’s body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It’s always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out.

Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn’t see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn’t working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn’t love him.

A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner’s emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn’t rocked by every little incident that life throws at him.

A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support—at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn’t work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn’t have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.

Trustworthiness

This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent—and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn’t trustworthy just because he says he is. 

He’s trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn’t deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.

Experience and Knowledge

It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing—knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive—to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don’t have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this.

They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone—even a submissive like myself—could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day’s practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and etiquette books on the market that there are “training methods” or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth).

Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignorant than themselves (although these players will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are.

Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there’s an art to it as well. It’s complex, as each individual situation requires a different, non-canned or stereotyped response.

Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They’re fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.

Desire

It’s a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas.

Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don’t really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it’s an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much funner and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not control freaks. They are not truly dominant.

If they were, they’d accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they’d relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another’s life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. 

The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant’s responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one.

A Suggested First Encounter

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Master Chuck: Tumblr devotees (of addicts, your choice) know that porn, more often than not, is a study in extremes. Everyone has a perfect physique, huge endowment, perfect personas, perfected knot-tying techniques and the ideal degree of bravado.

Exploring the power exchange world is (supposedly) easier for submissives because, according to some, they aren’t supposed to have a brain, needs, desires, limits or feelings; they are supposed to wait patiently until they are given an order, then carry it out brilliantly, as though they’ve been in training for decades. New dominants have the added burden of being expected to instinctively know to direct, orchestrate and star in the feature presentation - and do it in such a way as to make the submissive want to return for a repeat performance.

In the real world, reality often includes a gut, grey hair, an average or even small endowment and the ego of a mere mortal. It’s no wonder that when opportunities to dip a toe into the real waters of dominance-submission present themselves, insecurities rise to the surface, cold feet take over and those opportunities are missed.

I have a suggestion for those just starting to explore the World of BDSM:

• This ain’t porn, it’s real - so drop the script
• Less-Is-More
• It’s All About Building and Not Destroying

If one is serious, opportunities to explore the Master/slave dynamic will present themselves. When they do, take it slow and allow yourselve to adjust and reach some kind of comfort level. Don’t feel like you’ve got to impress anyone; you don’t, other than your partner for the moment and he’ll be pretty forgiving.

Imagine you are a Dom and sub, meeting for the first time and neither of you have much experience on which to draw. Rather than attempting to recreate a scenario associated with a porn picture, it might be far more comfortable if the Dom orders the sub to strip, kneel and hold a position with his hands clasped behind his neck. 

The Dom, remaining fully clothed, can then slowly inspect his “property” - caressing muscles, squeezing nipples, cupping balls - while observing how his submissive responds to various stimuli. The Dom can question his sub, make lusty suggestions of “torments” he might inflict on his slave, in short, learn to read the body language of his sub.

Unless you know your sub fairly well, avoid the common put-downs. In my experience, realsubmissives don’t view themselves or their gift of submission as worthless. And real Doms don’t either. If that type of trash talk has a viable future in a relationship, there will be adequate opportunities for it down the road.

Allowing insecurity to take over is a near perfect way to ensure nothing happens beyond fantasy. Admitting one’s own lack of experience is the important first-step to turning a fantasy into a reality. And reality is a required component of all types of power exchange relationships.

Just a suggestion you may want to ponder.

dirtythingsthatturnmeonposts:

Even without having clicked on the link to discover the rest of the post I’m sitting here smiling at your words because yes!!

In an era where porn images flood our feeds it’s very tempting to compare ourselves and/or our dynamic to the images we see. The tempation to copy what we see can become so temping, overwhelming even, particularly to the people who are new to our world and even then none of us are infallible.

A routine I love and practice myself is have my boy kneeling in front of me, fully dressed, eyes either cast down or locked with mine depending my own mood and need.

I’ll have him breathe with me. Deep inhales followed by slow exhales as I touch his face and compliment him to begin with. As he breathes I’ll remind him of why he’s there - to please me, to serve me. I’ll ask him to confirm his safeword, or the traffic light system we have in place.

As he talks, as per my instructions of whatever goes through his mind or any other specific subject I’ll undress him, let my hands roam around his exposed skin.

By the time I help him up to take off his pants I’m left with a boy who’s already so eager, so wired, so needy it often takes my breath away.

Ignore all the images you see in porn, ladies and gents, because that sub that’s kneeling in front of you? That sub is yours. And that, that makes them so much more valuable than any image you could ever see on here.