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Hello SIR, I enjoy Your blog very much! It has soooooo much information that is useful, I spend a couple hours just reading it all. I noticed that the Masters and Doms You talk about actually respect the sub. I, unfortunately, find myself attracted to the opposite: Doms who are mentally, physically and verbally abusive. I'm ashamed and worried that this is my "type" of Dom. It can't lead to anything good, so what's wrong with me? How do I change those desires? Can You help SIR?
Papa Tony:
Thanks for reaching out. As I say elsewhere, I can give folks advice, AND, I am NOT a professional therapist. I am a semi-retired computer consultant!
However, I am walking proof that just because someone comes from a bad beginning, they are NOT doomed to end up that way. Quite the opposite!
I want to put in a BIG endorsement for professional therapy. I've done many hours of it in my younger days.
Desperate For Help
I was spiraling downward in despair, and needed perspective and advice from outside of my narrow understanding of myself and my life. I look back on my younger self and see somebody who barely held on by his fingernails, day after excruciating day. Just about ANYTHING could trigger crying jags and self-destructive behavior.
I felt like my foot was nailed to the floor, and I was going around and around and around, repeating old patterns. I felt trapped, with no way out. I even attempted suicide a couple of times.
I persisted with my desire for a better life for myself. I started therapy and the self-help workshops. I became pissed off at the hateful programming from my Roman Catholic upbringing that had led me to such a terrible place. Identifying the SOURCE of the negative shit helped a lot.
My day-to-day life got easier. I started seeking out folks who could be my Family of Choice. Mentors, too.
Hugging My Demons
I have learned that those old demons that tormented me never really go away, but they fade and LOSE RELEVANCE if you keep growing and gaining wisdom about yourself. Even better, now, at this end of my life, I can laugh at those old demons and warmly embrace them without fear. Now, they are just foibles. I surely couldn't imagine that happening when I first started on my journey of personal growth.
Creating a Dream of a Better Future for Yourself
Being able to identify the source of a problem is very nice, and gives us something to point at, but the real work comes in creating a future for yourself that is way outside of the current pit of despair. You have the power to create a much better version of yourself. Don't settle for little dreams. You have the power to dream REALLY BIG, and always did. You aren't a permanent Victim of Circumstance. You are a work in process.
In my own life, back around 1978, I was attending an early version of what is now the Landmark Forum. One of the exercises that we did was creating a vision of how we wanted our lives to be in a perfect world. When I told my first ideas to the moderator, he said "NO! Dream BIGGER!" So, I did. I pulled some idealistic crap out of nowhere (and that I didn't believe in, at ALL, at the time):
- - I want to live a long life in excellent health, surrounded by lots of love and support.
- - I want to live in a house that I own, in a great neighborhood, with a yard for dogs and with great neighbors.
- - I want to find a career that satisfies me, and brings pleasure to others.
My Life As It Is, Now
Now, four decades later, I wish that I had dreamed even bigger, because ALL of those dreams came true. I get more sweet and true hugs than anyone else that I know. I am respected, calm and in love with life. I have a Leather Family that is devoted and true. I have a community that respects me and supports me.
The HEALTH aspect is a work in process lately, but that's a genetic thing. For someone in my family, my health has taken me farther than most. My happiness is not dependent upon perfect health.Getting Back To You:
It is very clear to me that you are pouring your heart out to me, and I am honored that you trust me with your vulnerability. That's a good start. Now, it's time to look at the paths available to you, and to take control of your destiny.
If you are financially poor, please consider finding a local LGBTQIA Center nearby. They offer inexpensive or free therapy in most cities. Consider group therapy, too. Sometimes, it is nice to know that you are not the only one.
Don't give up. You have value, and we need you around for a long time, so that you can give wise advice long after I am gone!
For other viewpoints on self-care, check out the Mental Health section of the Archives.
