Coming Out as Kinky

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Alexander Martin:

Is it even necessary? When and why should you or should you not be open about your sexual interests? In this article I’m going to focus more on the negative side of coming out. This is NOT because I believe coming out as a kinkster is not important, valuable, or the right way to live your life. I explore them because I want anyone reading this to be aware of pitfalls BEFORE you do it so you can carefully take stock of your own situation.

- How important is kink to you?: This question is the absolute crux of the issue. Are you someone who enjoys a light spanking but could otherwise take or leave kink? Then you may not find it worth coming out as being open as a kinkster can have some negative consequences. I would advise that unless kinkster is a core part of your identity. If you NEED a Sir or a boy and to live the life within kink framework that is where coming out carefully and selectively is most valuable. After all, it truly is a blessing to have important people know you for who you really are.

- Work: Almost all of the time, no. Do not be out at work. There are some work spaces where co-workers have an almost familial bond and you feel like nothing bad could ever happen to you. Maybe in that instance it’s ok to be known as a kinkster. Imagine you are good friends with a co-worker, mention that you’re into kink to them, and maybe even show them some pics of you at a leather bar with a guy you’re seeing. Later, a disagreement occurs, or perhaps you’re promoted over them, and they’re suddenly threatening to show that information to your boss. Workplaces can openly fire you for being a kinkster and they could even mention it to another job doing a background check resulting in further issues and make it hard to get away from that bad situation.

- Friends: Friends are probably the safest space to come out in. Be mindful of who you’re telling and try to get a sense of what they think of kink on a nebulous level beforehand though. After all, hearing “I dunno, it’s not for me.” is not as revealing as “They’re all freaks and I hope I never run into one of them.” In all likelihood you’ll already have a good sense of who to tell and who not to tell. If you’re revealing information selectively, be sure to add to the conversation that you’re telling someone because you feel close to them and the information is not general knowledge.

- Parents: I wouldn’t. Parents do have a right to not be confronted with their kid’s sexuality. After all most of us would be mortified to see or think about our parents having sex. So we do them the same courtesy they do us and obscure it as best we can for the sake of familial comfort. So keep your dungeon locked while parents are visiting.

- Partner: As I said earlier, it really matters how important this is to you. If you’ve recently discovered how important kink is to you I would encourage you to tell your partner. Be upbeat about it. Talk about it as a moment where you’ve gained some clarity on yourself and wanted to share. Make sure to present it as a positive thing. After all, knowing yourself better and thus what makes you happy should strengthen a relationship. If your partner isn’t conducive to the kind of play you need to engage in, ask if you can play outside of the relationship. Take it slow, remember, he’s processing all this for the first time right now. How long did it take you to get to where you are now?

As for dating, should you come out to them? Again, depends on what you need and how important it is to you. What if you want to live the lifestyle? You should be talking it through with every guy you meet. It should be a part of every profile you have. If you want to engage in some spanking or rough sex now and again, mention it when the conversation is on sex anyways. You want to make the tone of the conversation that you dabble in some light kink and they seem like a fun person to play with.

- Closing thoughts: We’ve only got one life to live and it is a beautiful thing to be known, accepted, and loved for who we are at our core. Sometimes that means we can cultivate a group of people who can embrace and treasure every aspect of us as the unique creatures we are.

Coming Out Happens in BOTH Directions!

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Papa Tony:

A good buddy wrote to me with some rather personal sharing, which I will not quote here.  The basic gist is that he had a recent semi-confrontation with his dad, who eventually ended the conversation with a clumsy hug.

This is the same dad who had erupted with religious fervor and condemnation a few years earlier when the son came out as gay.  Here is what I said in response, but expanded a bit:

Here is an outsider’s perspective:  Your dad is trying to adjust his brain processes, in favor of loving and accepting you, after having been programmed in judgmental ways during his whole life.  He is improving, but it’s probably hard for you to see.  

Please understand:  COMING OUT works in both directions, every single time.  Yes, you have to come out, in order to share your truth, and live your life authentically.  However, the folks we come out TO have to do a lot of brain-rewiring as well, and it can take years to happen.  Give him time, and loving patience.  He’s catching up.

In my own case, I came out to my large, hyper-religious family in 1975, and I was certain that I would never have any positive relationship with any of them, ever again.  I put it right out of my mind.  Reject ME?  Not if I reject you first!  HA!

What happened instead was that my six sisters reached out and let me know that they were cool with their gay brother, and that they missed me.  The entire family adjusted in their own ways over the years.  My three older brothers adore my sweet husband of 28 years.

I became the family peacemaker, and quite early on. I have always been deep, and in constant search of useful wisdom and balance.  I have no certificates on the wall to validate my abilities, nor have I ever taken a class on the topic of Philosophy.  Yet, I have innate perception, and can see the larger perspective.  

My family needs and treasures that part of me.  If I drift away, then High Drama tends to erupt in my absence.

If family drama and disagreement arise (and there tends to be a lot of that sometimes), I have always been trusted to find the answer where everybody gets to win.  Conflicts evaporate quickly, instead of festering and building.

Just a few days ago, my oldest sister told me “You are the Family Patriarch, and I am the Matriarch.”  I have been told many times I am the favorite brother, uncle and Great Uncle, hands down.

In 1975, I would NEVER, ever have predicted that.  So, be patient, give it time, and who knows?  

Things really could get better.

Supporting Our Youth

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Good morning, being a woman and single parent I stumbled onto something that has left me out of my depth; my 14 year old son has discovered porn. That itself is perfectly fine, the fact he watches gay porn doesn’t bother me (kinda always knew). What does scare me as a parent is that his browser is full with gay D/s vids and beastiality.. How on earth do I handle this? Do I pretend I don’t know and let him “explore”? Do I bring it up, and if so, how? I’d appreciate any advice you have.

First of all, I am honored that you asked me.  Luckily, this is a topic that I know a lot about.  I have definite opinions, but you are welcome to pick and choose among them.

In my life as a very, VERY openly gay male, I have had similar questions brought to me, many times.  Parents have wanted to find a gay role-model for their struggling sons. In each case, these open-minded, caring parents wanted to know how to be supportive in the most effective way.

I have also raised multiple foster sons to full adulthood.  My specialty was gay teen males in crisis.  I will have to tell those stories sometime soon, but let’s focus upon your needs:

Come Out To Your Son

Don’t delay.  Delay serves no purpose.  Pick the most luxuriously, cuddly safe space that you have shared with your son.  A location where you would never, ever have any form of conflict.  Hold him close and snuggly, and start with affectionate affirmations.  Praise his many virtues.  That’s the best beginning.
Then, in clear, direct and simple terms, state what is up with you:

• I saw what you were browsing.  I’m not planning to make a habit of that, because I know that you could evade such efforts anyway.  You deserve your privacy as you step into manhood.
• I am long-since aware of, and okay with the gay stuff.  No biggie.  Let’s move forward together as a team.  You can count on me.  I am your Number One Ally, and always will be.
• The Internet is not reality.  It’s just where folks indulge their wildest fantasies.  Real life involves balance, courtship, and negotiating through interpersonal relationships.  

When talking to him, your perspective doesn’t have to be perfect - It just has to be authentically true.

Finding Support For The Both Of You

Not knowing where you live, I can only give generic tips:

- See if his school has a GSA - a Gay/Straight Alliance affinity-group.  Chances are very good these days, but it’s not guaranteed.  This is a very important form of support, when he is starting to learn about flirting and such.  Without a GSA, he might not start learning about courtship until AFTER he leaves high school, long after his schoolmates get that phase over with.

- Look for a local chapter of PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.  Finding others who share your concerns is key to keeping YOU strong and informed, and best able to support your son.

- Seek out local, stable gay-male couples as role-models for your son, and befriend them.  When I finally met long, LONG-term gay couples, it was a major breakthrough in my own life.  I suddenly started forming long-term goals for myself, after aimlessly fumbling around with my own relationships.  Now, at 28+ years of ecstatic joy with my husband, I know that I can give major credit to my role-models Clark and Joseph, who were together 52 years.

Those are the major points that occur to me at the moment.  You are welcome to keep reaching out, as time goes by.

It Gets Better

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Correspondent #1:

Hello Sir, I’m a confused, 21 year old, anxious boy from Germany and I could need some advice. You seem to be the right person to ask, so I‘d be happy if I can talk to you about my problems.
So I’m not quite sure how to start this. I’m actually straight. Or I pretend to be straight. But for years now, I have sexual fantasies with a man. And they are not normal gay fantasies. 
I want to be dominated by an older dominant man. Have a relationship with him in which I am the sub part. I’m not into this extreme BDSM, but I wish for a Daddy - Boy relationship, I think something in that direction. 
I have so many weird fantasies and I just can’t stop them. How can I help myself out of it? Do you have any advice?

Correspondent #2:

How can I full embrace being the bottom submissive boy that I want to be?
I started sleeping with men in my early 20’s it was occasional. As I went through my 20’s I began sleeping with primarily men main older men daddy types. It’s been through that process that I’ve discovered I enjoy being a bottom and tend be more submissive. Now in my early 30’s I find myself just inches away from being a bottom sexually and only being with daddies. 
I’ve been on and off with an older gentleman for the past couple of years. However I feel it’s if for good. For some reason as I get closer to fully accepting my sexuality and getting into the community, I pull back and question everything.
I’m 33. Maybe I’m just worried about making such a change. I’m very private about this stuff and no one really knows that I feel this way. Maybe I’m just stopping myself. Maybe I’m self sabotaging.

Looking At Life From The Other End Of The Telescope

When I was around eleven years old, I had a fantasy that kept coming back to me.  Half a century later, I still remember it vividly.  I wanted a much-older version of myself to come back in a time machine.  I wanted the gray-bearded Tony to show up and tell me what the hell was going on.  I wanted the older me to give me some hope that things wouldn’t be so scary some day…
That never happened.  It was a lovely fantasy, though.

Eight years later, I was in the Navy, and STILL hadn’t come out to myself about my secret, forbidden and sinful desires.  I considered my desires to be something that I wanted to cut out of my life like a diseased limb.  I was spiraling downward.  I wasn’t handling it well at all.  I could only see problems that terrified me.

Imagine looking into the wrong end of a telescope.  Everything looks small and far away.  It’s a very distorted view.

I had the immense good fortune to get some counseling from an older gay man.  The conversation lasted a total of one hour, and we never crossed paths again.  His words were a pivot-point in my life, that helped me to become the happy, happy man that I am today:

IT’S NOT A PHASE.  Fighting it is pointless.  Embrace that part of yourself with joy. 
Life gets SO MUCH better.

I took those words to heart.  The telescope was turned around the right way.  Suddenly, I was looking at a life for myself that had enormous vistas of pleasurable and satisfying possibilities.

I was no longer a victim of circumstance.  I became the captain of my own ship, and I could steer my life in whatever direction I chose.

My Life As It Is, Now

I am loved.  I am surrounded with friends, lovers and life-companions who are endlessly satisfying and pleasurable.  Every day is a paradise, compared to where I used to be.  This is because I made a conscious choice to embrace ALL of the parts of myself, so many years ago.  My heart was no longer clenched like a fist.

I’ve said it in another article:

That which you resist, persists.

That means that fighting something that is inherent inside you is useless and futile.  I dove deep into my pleasures, and I never looked back.  As I took chances and learned from experimentation and the wisdom of others, MORE possibilities showed up.

My life opened up like a flower.  Decades later, I am still blossoming-forth into the world, and the world around me appears to be damn glad that I did.

I am greeted with affection wherever I go.  I have everything that I value in life. My life is in balance.   Every bit of that is true because I embraced who I truly am.  I live my life out loud, and proud!
I want that for YOU.

The following sassy gay-men’s phrase from forty years ago is applicable to how I felt when I was feeling scared, and so very sorry for myself:

Get Off The Cross, Sweetie - Somebody Needs The Wood

I mean this in a very loving, approving way.  Years later, I can laugh about what happened.  I warmly embrace that long-ago, desperately frightened and younger me, knowing EXACTLY how much richer and flavorful my life would become.

Now, I get to say the same thing to whoever is reading this, with the hope of making a similar difference in YOUR life:

Be good to yourself.  Take ownership of your dreams and fantasies.  Don’t sit on the sidelines… Get into the game of life with gusto and pleasure.

Those desires that frighten you, are calling to you for very good and valid reasons - Those desires are how you cope and heal.  They complete you, and round out your character.  Thrusting those desires away from you just delays the paradise that your life could become.

Come On - Dive In!  The Water Is Fine!

Paraphrasing Dan Savage:

It really does get better!