Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

From Submissiveguide.com

Part One:

“What do I do if my significant other is vanilla?”

This is a common situation and one which does not have an easy answer. It is important because, for many of us, it is not sufficient to simply bury our desires and needs for BDSM submission. This article will discuss how to approach your partner the ultimate goal of hopefully participating in BDSM with them.

The alternative to discussing this with your partner is to hide your desires and while this may be a safer route for some who are unwilling to risk any stress in their relationship, it has a large chance of causing damage to the relationship not only from a significant lack of your own fulfillment but also from a significant lack of open communication.

To open a dialog, communicate with your partner to understand what potential there may be if any, for BDSM to be included in your relationship. I recommend that you avoid initially inundating your partner with all of the details of your fantasies as your partner may be scared away by talk of scat or genital puncture but talk of light bondage or service should be safe to discuss if presented in a calm and open manner.

When you have the first discussion about BDSM with your partner, attempt to understand your partner’s views and attitudes and, if you receive a positive and supportive response, you may introduce a bit more detail into the conversation such as light whipping. It is probably too risky in a first or even second conversation to go into any more detail, the main point is to view and listen to your partner’s reactions.

In the first conversation do not ask your partner to participate with you in your BDSM desires because that will put him or her in an uncomfortable place of making a quick decision. Simply express your general desires and let your partner think about it for a future conversation. Putting pressure on your partner is the quickest way to scare off your partner and that is the last thing you would want to do. Be patient with your partner.

It is important to manage your own expectations in this process. You may find that your partner jumps for joy and reveals his or her secret desires to be compatible with you but that will likely not be the reality and it could be harmful if you react negatively when these ideals are not initially met. If you could get through the first discussion with your partner being supportive, then that is a positive first step even if your partner does not show any initial willingness to take part with you.

It may take your partner time, possibly an extended amount of time, to be able to participate with you so the primary goals of the first conversation or two should be

Let your partner know of your general desires for BDSM (without asking at this stage for participation); and

Avoid scaring off your partner.

Here is an example of approaching your partner for the first time about expressing your general BDSM desires: Choose a setting with no distractions in which you and your partner are very unlikely to be interrupted by dinner being ready or your favorite TV show beginning. Depending upon the general communication level between you and your partner, ask if he is she has a few minutes to discuss something with you. You want to present this as something which is important and not just some casual throwaway conversation.

Start with something familiar and add to it a beginning of what you would like your partner to know. “Remember that time a month ago when you bossed me around in the kitchen? I enjoyed that and I really like the idea of being bossed around by you.” If the initial response to this is not negative, “It really turns me on to think about being bossed around by you and under your thumb.” That might be enough for a first conversation unless he or she asks for more information such as a clarification or even an offer; if your partner starts ordering you around right then and there don’t be shy about accepting, although I wouldn’t go into this expecting your partner to have that initial reaction.

If you do not have a starting point for a conversation about the topic you would like to bring up, then you can just jump right in, carefully. “You’ve heard of people enjoying being tied up, right? I like the idea of that” and then if the initial response is not negative you can follow-up with “It’s exciting to me to think about being tied up and under your control.”

If the first conversation goes no further, then that is okay and you can end with something like “I just wanted you to know because I don’t want to hide anything from you.” This first conversation might only last one minute, which is okay.

If after the first conversation or two nothing is gained beyond these two goals, do not express disappointment or other negativity because that could prevent further advancement of your ultimate goal of participating with your partner. To repeat: Manage your own expectations.

After the initial conversation, have a follow-up conversation hopefully a day or two later to determine your partner’s feelings, once he or she has had time to think about it. It may be helpful to mostly repeat the first conversation, just to reinforce for your partner that this is important to you while making sure that your partner understands your general desires.

Depending on how the second conversation goes, you may want to ask explicitly how your partner feels about this. “So how do you feel about this?” is a good open-ended question towards the end of the second conversation. By contrast, “So would you like to participate with me?” may be too risky at this stage as it may be too pushy unless your partner has shown enthusiasm or strong support. Avoid asking yes or no questions because that backs your partner into a corner.

In later conversations with your partner about BDSM, it may be helpful to go into further details and to ask about your partner’s desires more explicitly. Once your partner feels comfortable that you are still the person he or she cares for, it is reasonable to ask something like “On a scale from 0 to 10, how much to you think you might be interested in participating with me?” This avoids the dreaded yes/no dynamic.

You will need to see how the conversations go with an eye towards not putting your partner on the spot to decide but to hopefully keep the conversation moving forward towards your goal. It is a difficult balance between finding out your partner’s stance without pushing your partner into a decision but it is well worth the time and effort in finding that balance with your partner.

You may find that your partner is willing to participate with you even if not with as much initial enthusiasm as you hope for or need but that the enthusiasm may grow over time. That is a subject for a future article.

What if your partner shoots you down and is not interested at all? In this case be supportive of your partner’s freedom to choose. Remain positive because this is not the end of the story. At a later date, perhaps after a few days, bring up the issue again and see if your partner has the same response, or try sending your partner an e-mail which expresses your general desires without being negative. By this time, your partner may have remorse at shooting you down and may want to work this out. Also, bringing the issue up again gives a clear message that this is important to you and not just a minor issue. If you get shot down a second time then wait a week or two and bring it up again. If you get shot down a third time then the situation will likely not change soon and you would need to deal with the difficult situation. That situation is for a future article.

As a summary:

First conversation: express a mild version of your general BDSM desires but do not ask your partner for any sort of decision;

Second conversation: mostly repeat the first conversation and ask how your partner feels about this;
Tread lightly to avoid scaring off your partner;

Manage your own expectations; even if there is a significant setback do not express negativity; and
Maintain positive communications; there is nothing more of a game-killer than negativity.

---

Part 2- My Partner is Not Interested

Dealing with a situation in which your vanilla partner is not receptive to what has been discussed.

As mentioned in part 1, if after the first conversation in which you have expressed a mild version of your BDSM desires your partner does not show any interest, then go ahead and have a second conversation which is mostly a repeat of the first and ask how your partner feels on a scale of 0-10. Ideally, your partner will express some interest and then you can discuss how you may participate together, that is a topic for future part 3 of this article.

What do you do if your partner isn’t particularly interested?

There are two types of this situation: A) your partner is not interested but seems willing to take part in some way though only as a way to give you some of what you need and B) your partner is not interested in participating.

Situation A: If your partner is not interested but willing to participate in order to make you happy, then even if that is not your wish it is probably a good idea to discuss and plan for participation and see how it goes. For my own personal preference, I would not want a partner who did not enjoy participating – I envision a dominant chewing gum and holding a book in one hand while using the other hand to whack me with a ping-pong paddle without even looking at me, not my idea of fun! – but by allowing my partner to participate initially we could see how it goes and maybe my partner would learn to actually enjoy it. This is not ideal but over time, possibly weeks, my partner might enjoy it and then we would both get what we want in the long-term which is mutual enjoyment through BDSM. On the other hand, if the participation just isn’t fun the first couple of times then you may decide not to continue it. It is up to you for how many times or how often you would like to continue with your partner’s participation. In any case, keep open the lines of communication with your partner.

For example, if ideally, you would like to have a half hour scene of torture with your partner tying you down, whipping you, and enjoying it, then your partner could do a very mild version of this by tying you down and whipping you up to his or her comfort level. See how it goes. You would need to let your partner decide the comfort level and keep in mind this situation is for when the partner is fully willing to participate and offers to help. Don’t try to convince your partner to take part in this situation, if your partner is just not interested in participating then having to convince him or she would probably not lead to a good long-term ending and instead see situation B below.

If your partner is participating only to please you, then offer a thank you regardless of how well the scene went. Even if you did not particularly enjoy it, your partner has gone out of his or her way to try to help you achieve what you desire and that in itself deserves gratitude. At some point after each scene discuss with your partner your feelings – focusing on the positive without discussing the negative unless you have a serious issue to discuss such as improper safety during a scene – and ask for a 0-10 idea on what your partner is feeling. As time goes on you will need to decide whether your partner’s feelings and enthusiasm are enough for what you are looking for. If the participation is sufficient for you at least initially, then that is great and be patient with your partner while continuing to set aside time to discuss both of your feelings when not in a scene.

Situation A

is difficult because it may not be easy to decide whether your partner is participating just to please you. Your partner may seem to just be going through the motions and not doing a good job during a scene but then tell you that the interest level is a 6 out of 10 which is a decent early interest level. In this case, your partner may just need some tips so discuss with your partner how you can help with advice or links to articles if they would want that.

In my case I asked my previously vanilla wife if it would be helpful for me to write a script and she said yes that would be very helpful so that is what I did, writing out a list of specific activities in order and with approximate time frames – 5 minutes with a bullwhip followed by 2 minutes with a crop, and so on – and that was a big help for her to understand the types of activities and durations I would enjoy going forward without my writing any more scripts. The next time she tortured me for a long scene it was without a script and it was amazing. Your vanilla partner may not have any idea on how to top or dominate during a scene so any help you can provide ahead of time would likely be appreciated.

In discussions, rely on the 0-10 rating your partner gives you and reinforce with your partner that you are looking for an honest opinion. If the interest level of your partner never rises to a decent level then you need to decide whether to keep going as is with your partner participating only to please you. Maybe that would be sufficient for you, it is up to you to decide.

What if your partner gives it a try but it just isn’t working out and you decide to end your partner’s participation? I do not have a good answer for this. If this occurs then I recommend looking at the last two paragraphs of this article before the summary.

Situation B

: If your partner is not interested and not offering to participate, then that is not the end of the story. If BDSM is important to you, then bring up the topic again a few weeks later with essentially a repeat of the first two conversations. The tone should not be anything like “C’mon, give it a try!” it should be something like “I just wanted to talk about this again because this is so important to me.” Give your partner time, possibly days, to digest this information which seems to be a repeat but is actually letting your partner know how important it is to you.

Bringing it up this third-time weeks later really lets your partner know the importance. You are not just asking for what to have for dinner or a popular song you would like to share with your partner, BDSM is an important part of your life. I am not suggesting badgering your partner. It is not badgering to calmly and rationally in a non-distracted setting express your desires. You are not specifically asking for anything. You are simply stating your desires and then allowing your partner to offer an honest reaction.

This third conversation, weeks after the other two, may get a reaction in which your partner is willing to take part and in that case, see Situation A above. If not, then don’t hesitate to have a follow-up fourth conversation about it a day or two later after your partner has had time to think about it, and ask your partner’s feelings 0-10 if your partner is not otherwise clear with his or her feelings.

If your partner puts you on the spot by asking if you would end the relationship if BDSM were not included, answer either no or that you don’t know for certain, whichever seems most comfortable to you. I recommend against answering yes unless you are truly ready for the relationship to potentially end right then and there, which is a huge step and not to be answered with just one word.

If your partner simply isn’t interested and there does not seem to be an avenue for further discussions, such as another follow-up discussion a week or two later, then I do not have any advice for that situation. I am not any sort of expert or professional about this. If that occurred to me then I would seek help from a relationship counselor because BDSM is important enough to me not to simply close the door. However, I would not do anything to remotely cheat on my wife including going to a professional or any other dominant without discussing it with my wife because that would have a big chance of doing great harm to the relationship and to my own well-being.

Above all, stay positive. It is not productive to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner by criticizing or complaining to him or her, as tempting as it might be. Even when a situation seems hopeless, there is usually a way forward even if that way does not seem clear at the moment. Unless you are in the last few years of your life there is time for things to turn around and you never know what can change over time.

As a summary:

If your partner is not particularly receptive to your BDSM desires, then one of two situations likely applies:

Your partner is willing to take part to some degree but without much enthusiasm – in this case, participate and help provide as much advice as your partner would accept, see how it goes.

Your partner is not willing to participate – in this case wait a few weeks and bring up the issue again so that your partner understands how truly important BDSM is to you, allow your partner time to think about it

Keep open the lines of communication and take the time to have discussions with your partner
Remain positive, the most reliable way to shut doors is to be negative and by remaining positive you keep the possibility that there is a resolution to the situation.

---

Part 3- My Partner is Interested!

In this final part, we examine how to proceed if your vanilla partner reacts positively from either the approach in part 1 or part 2.

Your partner has reacted to the revelation of your BDSM desires in a positive way or at least is willing to participate. Congratulations! This is a huge first step. It may seem to you and me that most anyone should appreciate the submission we have to offer but that is not always the case and there is no guarantee that a partner – even one who is cherished for life – would react positively. So be encouraged that you have gone this far with your partner because it may still not be smooth sailing and you may need that feeling of encouragement when practicing perhaps more patience than you may initially expect.

A couple of words of advice: safety and service. Your partner will probably not be aware of safety issues related to the activities you will be sharing so discuss common safety concerns. Your partner may become concerned or even alarmed but reassure your partner that the activities you are discussing are practiced safely by likely hundreds of thousands of people and with an eye on safety there is no significant risk of a problem.

Service is a good way to help your partner enjoy the BDSM journey you embark on together. Even if you are not a submissive who enjoys providing service, try to find ways in which you can be of service such as offering to wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash your partner’s car, or more intimate service such as sexual activities your partner particularly enjoys (or all of the above!). This is not negotiation or quid-pro-quo, it is simply you being a more affectionate partner and perhaps adding submission to your motivation. Push yourself to a certain extent to do this even if there is a time when things aren’t going very well.

A great service to provide for your partner is a long massage during which you can talk about BDSM or other topics. This not only pleases your partner who may associate your better attitude with the BDSM experiences you two are sharing but it also helps keep the lines of communication open to discuss your mutual enjoyment or any issues. Be clear that the service you are providing does not have strings attached so that your partner does not feel pressured to reciprocate in any way.

Even after your partner has accepted your BDSM desires without a negative judgment and perhaps even participated in some light activities as discussed in part 1, your partner will likely have some reservations and may or may not be ready for more detailed information about your desires. How much to discuss in detail is highly dependent upon how extreme your desires would likely be viewed by your partner, your partner’s general openness to new and potentially uncomfortable ideas, how important it is to you to reveal more details, and the overall communication level in your relationship.

In your initial discussions, you may have a sense of this already. When you initially discussed your desires with your partner, did your partner seem uncomfortable and did it take some time for your partner to get used to the idea? Or did your partner smile without a hint of negativity and seem glad that you opened up about your desires? It will be up to you to judge when you think your partner is ready for more information.

You should not avoid discussing your desires for too long or else it may become a source of stress for you. For example, if you have already revealed that you enjoy being tied to the bed and spanked lightly (relatively mild activities) and you are considering whether or not to reveal that you would enjoy being whipped hard in the back until you are screaming and crying in pain (something a bit more extreme than just light spanking), how important is it to you and how do you think your partner would react to this situation? Your partner may need some time to get used to BDSM in your lives or your partner may be ready to learn more about you. There is no guideline to the time needed, it depends on the individuals.

Here is an even more important factor: do not push your partner into doing anything they do not want to do. It is not pushing to reveal your desires as long as that is the focus of your conversation. On the other hand, if you say something like “I want you to whip me very hard for 15 minutes” that puts a burden on your partner which could be a form of pushing. A statement such as “I would love to be whipped very hard for 15 minutes” might also be viewed as pushing but it is simply stating your desires and if mentioned as part of a discussion it would likely not be seen as pushing.

On the one hand you don’t want to bottle up your desires but on the other hand, you don’t want to push. The middle ground approach is to wait until your partner seems ready for the information and then reveal it as your desire.

That brings us to patience. Your partner may take the ball and run with it once you reveal your desires. Your partner may read books, scour the internet, go to BDSM forums for advice, and have discussions with you in which your partner attempts to learn how to best dominate you. In that case, you are in a best case scenario. Be open and honest and help your partner with detailed information or links to websites if your partner is open to that. For example, if you enjoy bastinado, find a good bastinado step-by-step description. Your partner is new to BDSM and it is not likely that your partner will become more than a novice in a short period of time.

However, the scenario I describe in which your partner will jump in with both feet will often not be the case and you should expect that the process will be much slower. You may go for weeks or months without experiencing nearly as much BDSM as you would like.

You need to be patient. And patience may be very difficult because you want to submit. Your partner will likely need time to overcome a lifetime of natural and learned instinct not to hurt or otherwise dominate you. Also, even if your partner overcomes that, your partner may take the time to truly enjoy dominating you. You may find that at times the level of BDSM in your relationship ebbs and flows and you may become discouraged in the seeming lack of progress.

If you become discouraged then try to remain patient if you can. Think rationally about your partner’s actions. Does it appear that your partner is losing interest in BDSM? Or are you just presently unfulfilled because you are not experiencing as much BDSM as you want? If only the latter applies, then try to hold on and focus on your partner’s apparent interest level because that is your potential light at the end of the tunnel.

If your partner is, in your rational view, appearing to lose interest then discuss this in calm detail when not distracted, similar to your initial discussions of your BDSM desires. Try to focus the discussion on how much your partner is or is not enjoying dominating you and on which activities or mindsets your partner finds most enjoyable about it.

Maybe your partner just doesn’t enjoy bastinado but does enjoy tying you up. Maybe your partner needs some time to work up to rough sex or whipping hard. If the issue is just a matter of specific activities, compromise so that both you and your partner may enjoy the experience. There is no rush. At a later date your partner may decide that more activities are worth trying so hopefully, you can enjoy for now BDSM without some of the activities you enjoy.

Ask “On a scale of 1-10 what would you say is your enjoyment level?” Avoid asking yes or no questions such as “Are you enjoying this?” because that backs your partner into a corner. It is good to ask this 1-10 scale question from time to time (perhaps once a week or more for the first couple of months) even if things seem to be going well because it will give you either encouragement or an indication that more discussion would be helpful, and in general it may open up more communication which is good for any relationship.

If your partner’s overall desire for BDSM seems to be truly decreasing, then gently try to understand what may be causing that. If the issue is the specific activities then that may be addressed through compromise and tweaking of the activities you participate in. If the issue is just that your partner is not enjoying it much, then be supportive and indicate that you are patient in case your partner needs more time to get used to it. Be willing to tone down or go without BDSM for a period of time (such as a week) and check in with your partner from time to time to see if feelings (1-10 scale) have changed.

Your BDSM submissive desires are important to you. Unless your partner just says no way anyhow, give your partner time and patience and check in with your partner from time to time to let your partner know how important it is to you, similar to the approach discussed in part 1. Do not push, asking for your partner’s views and feelings is not pushing.

At some point what you likely hope is for your newly dominant partner to find creative ways to dominate you, within the guidelines you have provided to your partner. Unless you have only a very specific and limited list of activities you want, the ideal situation is for your newly dominant partner to take active control of not only a scene but even deciding exactly which activities will occur. But that, too, may take time even if your partner is willing. You cannot will it to occur and pushing would not help.

Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage your partner. Did you enjoy when your partner told you to crawl on the floor as a puppy? Tell your partner how wonderful it was, later after the scene is over. Your partner may already know this from your actions during the scene as you wagged your tail and barked happily but it is extremely helpful to hear it in your own (human) words later just to be sure. Praise your partner for as much as you reasonably can, including individual parts of a scene. Some examples are “I loved the look on your face when you were scolding me,” “You were giggling in joy while whipping me, I loved that!” and “Your finger placed right there really drove me wild.”

Try to avoid negative comments as much as you can. Did your partner not hit you hard enough with the belt on your back? Don’t say that. Do keep an eye on the issue and if your partner is repeating this sort of issue then, by all means, discuss it together, such as “It’s up to you but you can whip me harder with the belt if you want” after two or three scenes. That is a much more effective statement than the accusatory statement “You didn’t hit me hard enough with the belt the past few times.”

In contrast, bring up safety issues as soon as you can. Is your partner whacking you with a crop over and over on your lower back? Call the safe word if you need to (yellow, for example) and calmly explain that this particular activity could cause damage to the kidneys. Hopefully, you will have already discussed safety issues ahead of time but it’s difficult to cover every angle ahead of time and it is worth stopping a scene for safety.

In these articles, I have focused several times on the importance of timing for communications such as when to reveal more extreme desires and when to bring up issues but this is not meant to imply that you should bottle up your feelings. Feelings and most everything else should be discussed with your partner. If your feelings are strong enough to override the timing concerns I have mentioned, then, by all means, discuss the issue with your partner when you need to. There is a balance between not pushing your partner or making your partner uncomfortable, with not bottling up your feelings and opinions and this balance is something which you will probably need to navigate through on your BDSM journey.

One other issue which may come up is that your partner may feel the need to do or be something which your partner is not comfortable with. For example, your partner may read an article which states “A Dominant must portray confidence at all times or else the scene will be ruined” and this may make your partner feel uncomfortable. Assure your partner that everyone has their own views on BDSM and there is no right or true way. The best way to experience BDSM is however you two want to experience it, as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual.

A question you may be asking is “What on earth makes me think that my partner would be interested in dominating me at all?” This is very valid as many people would not be interested in dominating whatsoever and the initial discussion may not get past part 1 of this series of articles. However, your partner has something which very few vanilla people have: a submissive who is willing to help with caring advice and patience. Your partner may learn to enjoy dominating you initially just to please you, then grow to truly enjoy the effect it has on you, and even possibly enjoy the activities in themselves with the effect heightened by your mutual enjoyment. If your partner grows to truly enjoy the effects on you from your partner’s domination and looks forward to dominating you, that is a win-win and it is a realistic goal for any submissive with a vanilla partner.

There are many more topics which may come up on your BDSM journey as these articles are only the tip of the iceberg. It is very difficult to anticipate which issues will come up ahead of time but www.FetLife.com is a very good community with groups in which you will see others who are going through a version of your same journey, with many of the concerns you and your partner may have. I encourage you and your partner if your partner is interested (remember not to push), to join FetLife and take advantage of the advice provided in addition to learning about different BDSM mindsets and activities.

As a summary of this article:

• 1. Be patient with your partner who may be slow in progressing with dominant desires, do not push your partner; 
• 2. Discuss basic safety issues since your partner is new to BDSM; 
• 3. Provide extra services such as chores or massage; 
• 4. Praise your partner for positive experiences, do not criticize; 
• 5. Reveal your more extreme BDSM desires slowly, when your partner seems ready; 
• 6. Ask your partner’s opinions on the overall enjoyment on a 1-10 scale and whether or not there are specific activities your partner would want more or less of; and 
• 7. Join FetLife for advice and information.

Most of all relax and have fun. It may take time for your partner to warm up to BDSM as much as you may need, be patient and keep the lines of communication open. There is no right way to approach this topic and these are only guidelines to help past some of the potential difficulties.

If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to contact me at nrjb2@yahoo.com or on FetLife with my username Ted_Subby. Happy submitting!

Let’s Talk About Safewords

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Lovemysub:

During a conversation with one of my partners, the beautiful and amazing @danipup , we realized that there were some things regarding safewords that a lot of people seem to not understand and that I hadn’t really written about previously. I’m going to rectify that now. This is in no way intended to be a complete list of topics related to safewords, and I invite anyone reading this to add to it anything they feel is relevant and not often discussed.

1. “No”, “stop”, and “red” are safewords in most contexts. Unless negotiated prior between the partners (for example, in CNC), there is no reason that any of these terms should be taken for anything other than what they are- the expression of one partner to stop the scene. These are, in fact, the most common safewords in BDSM. A safeword doesn’t have to be something like “monkey banana raffle”.

2. You can safeword any time you want. Period. Be willing to talk about it afterward, because the goal is to get you into a level of comfort where you are pushed and thrilled but you don’t get to a point where you need to use your safeword. But understand that you can always use it.

3. A safeword doesn’t always have to mean “shut down the scene”. The majority of the times I’ve seen safewords used, they are more of a “pause and adjust” than a full stop. An example would be safewording and saying “hey, this rope is too tight, we need to adjust it”, or “I feel uncomfortable with this one specific thing but the rest is good”. If all partners want to resume a scene after a safeword is used, that is absolutely fine.

4. As dominants, we’d rather you use your safeword than be hurt. Don’t feel like you’re going to disappoint us. You will only disappoint us if you fail to safeword when you should’ve and end up getting hurt.

5. Your dominant should be proud of you for using your safeword. We understand that our partners want to please us and that sometimes there is some anxiety related to safewording because of that need to please. We understand that safewording isnt always easy. We understand and that’s why we, as dominants, should be proud of our partners for taking their personal safety into their own hands.

6. Safewords are not the be-all, end-all of protection in scenes. A dominant needs to understand that when a submissive is deep in subspace, it is entirely possible that they will be too “out of it” to understand when they have had enough. It is important for us to constantly evaluate our partners’ mental state in order to know when it may be necessary to shut down a scene prematurely even in the absence of a safeword being used.

7. Dominants can safeword too. If a scene has gotten out of hand, or if it is going in a direction that we aren’t comfortable with, of if we are unsure of our partners’ capacity to continue, or if we are unsure if we are in control of ourselves, it is absolutely permissible for a dominant to call “red” and shut things down or pause for evaluation. It is responsible dominant behavior.

8. Ignoring a safeword is rape or sexual assault. No further explanation needed.

Again, this is not a complete list of everything that needs to be discussed, but through my conversation with Dani and through some conversations with others, I realized these points don’t get talked about often enough.

Lots more can be found on this topic, here.

---

Why don't you or a Dom get disappointed when his sub uses her safeword?

Because when a sub uses their safeword, it is a good thing. OK, on one level it means that the Dom fucked up by taking it a wee bit too far, but that is overshadowed by all the positives:
Even in the heat of a scene, they were mindful that their one abiding duty to their D type is to make sure nothing bad happens to the Dom’s property. By using their safeword, they kept their Dom’s property safe.

They showed that they are confident enough in their Dom and their relationship to use their words rather than “taking it” beyond the point of safety.

They demonstrated trust, by using their safeword knowing their D type would both respect it and be proud of them for using it.

Guide to Consent

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

submissivefeminist: Consent is one of the biggest themes of BDSM—if you don’t know that, you really need to read up before you pick up a paddle. BDSM is built on a system that is referred to as “SSC". “SSC" stands for “safe, sane, and consensual.“

Let’s break that down further:

Safe: Safety means understanding the risks of the activities you engage in with your partners (or even solo!). It means reading up on the subjects you’re interested in or talking to people who have experience in those areas. It means making your partner(s) aware of any physical, medical, or psychological limitations you have. It also means that all parties involved are aware of the risks of what they are going to experience within a scene.

Sane: “Sanity,” in this context, is going to be defined by the official distinction between things like masochism/sadism and Sexual Masochism/Sadism Disorder. That difference is made by establishing a healthy mindset on one’s behaviour in regards to BDSM. To meet the standard of being “psychologically healthy" when it comes to S&M, the subject must not experience distress over their urges that affects their daily life and all partners of the subject must be consenting to their activity.

Consensual: This covers all other aspects of consent, including an excitably expressed “yes!“ in regards to sexual activity, regardless of one’s personal relationship with their partner. Remember that an absence of a “no” does not equal a “yes" and intimidation for a “yes" equates to assault. Also remember that all drugs and alcohol revoke one’s ability to consent to sexual activity. Always play sober to avoid problems!

So, now that the basics of consent are established, here are some helpful tips when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship:

Always keep open communication with your partner when it comes to safety concerns, regardless of whether or not you feel it’s relevant. 

Before anyplay takes place, you should require that limitations and a safeword is established. If you don’t want a set “safeword,“ remember that “no” and “stop" are always safewords unless specifically stated otherwise.

Discuss consent in the context of your relationship. Let your partner know that you are continuously respecting their rights by asking for consent before you engage in sexual activity.

That last one tends to trip people up. Even though consent should be your number-one concern, some people are nervous about turning off their partner by talking about it.

First point, if your partner is turned off or annoyed by the idea of you respecting their consent or establishing your own—RUN. This is a huge red flag that cannot be ignored. No sane person should ever get upset that someone wants to discuss consent in a sexual relationship.

If you really don’t know how to bring it up, try these simple phrases that can be used, even in the context of a D/s:

• “Do you like that, little one?”
• “Show me how you like it, Sir.”
• “Would you like me to…”
• “What would you like to do to me, dear?”
• “Tell me what’s on your dirty mind, girl.”
• “Master, how would you feel about…”

Consent is not only mandatory, but it can also be used in a way that makes play more fun, like instructing your shy submissive to tell you everything they want done to them or asking your Dominant if they would like to engage in certain activities. Consent can be sexy, but it’s always necessary, regardless. Keep that in mind.

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head.

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see these those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used. 

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with. 

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. 

I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion. I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission. 

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation. 

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated. a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. 

 of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy. limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

The Beginner’s Guide to Bondage and Domination

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

fistfuckgaygr: 

Introduction

Dominance and Submission (D/s) is an alternative relationship in which a Master or Dom controls the actions, emotions, and will of the slave, or submissive, often referred to as “sub”. D/s does not necessarily refer to the sex act itself. D/s is more akin to a seduction. The Master seduces the slave with his power, the slave seduces the Master with their willingness and servitude. Sex does occur in the relationship, but in this Guide, I am discussing the lifestyle, not sexual practice. “Slave” and “sub”, as well as “Master” and “Dom” are not directly interchangeable titles. 

The differences will be gone into later in this guide. A D/s relationship consists of two people who are mutually consenting adults who agree on a direction for their relationship. They agree that one of the partners will take the dominant, controlling role, and the other partner, the submissive, controlled role. Just like in any other relationship, it is a two way street, though to outsiders, it may not seem so. The Master relies on the slave as much as the slave relies on the Master. 

They are dependent on each other to satisfy their own needs. Each partner has different needs, as defined by their role as Dom or sub, but each is satisfied, though in different ways. Each couple will have their own set of agreements. This Guide talks about mine, but every D/s relationship is different. However, there are some basic rules that are universal.

Chapter 1 - Basic Definitions

Dominance and Submission are not to be confused with Sadomasochism. To make this more clear, I am including these basic definitions. They are taken from the

American Heritage Dictionary

• Bondage - 2) A state of subjection to a force, power or influence. It comes from the Old English word bonda, which means husbandman (farmer)
• Dominant - 1) Exercising the most influence or control; governing. 2) Most prominent in position or prevalence; ascendant. Comes from Old French and Latin dominans, to dominate.
• Dominate - 1) To control, govern or rule by superior authority or power. Comes from Latin dominari, to rule > dominus, lord.
• Submissive - comes from Submit.
• Submit - 1) To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another. 2) To subject to a condition or process. 3) To yield to the opinion or authority of another; give in. 4) To allow oneself to be subjected; acquiesce. Comes from Middle English submitten > Latin submittere, to set under: sub=under + mittere=to cause to go.
• Sadism - 1) The perversion of deriving sexual satisfaction from the infliction of pain on others. 2) Delight in cruelty. 3) Extreme cruelty. Comes from Comte Donatien de Sade (1740-1814)
• Masochism - 1) An abnormal condition in which sexual excitement and satisfaction depend largely on being subjected to abuse or physical pain, whether by oneself or another. Comes from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Austrian novelist (1836-1895)
• Sadomasochism - 1) The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.

If you ignore the terms “perversion” and “abnormal” in the above definitions, you can still see that nowhere in the definition of dominate or submit do you have pain as an integral part. It is a difference in gradients and intent. I am not saying that S&M is wrong, bad or undesirable. It is just a much higher gradient than D/s, and may be too intense for the beginner. Some people may confuse heavy D/s with S&M. They are two very different things.

Chapter 2 - The Players

Although it may seem through outward appearances that all the power in the relationship flows from the Dom or Master to the sub or slave, this is somewhat misleading. The players in a D/s relationship, no matter which side they are on, are equals to a certain degree. Both sides have power, but in different ways. The Dom may have ultimate authority, but the sub is the one who initiates most actions.

To prevent any misunderstanding between players, they should understand the difference between a Dom and a Master, and a submissive and a slave.

The Dominant, or Dom

“Many inexperienced Doms believe that all that is required is simply ordering your sub around as you choose. It’s not. There’s much more to be said about what being a good Dom requires.” (Rex99, 7/21/95, AOL)

Domination is not just giving random orders. A good Dom will find a way to cause the sub to desire pleasing the Dom. A Dom, or Dominant, is the protector, teacher, and lover to the sub.

As the protector, the Dom must be a) stronger than the sub, and b) stronger than other people in the life of the sub. This does not mean that he has to be physically bigger or stronger. I am talking about character and personality.

As the teacher, the Dom must be wise and, above all, right. The Dom should not arbitrarily punish the sub on a whim. There must be a reason. To do otherwise will break down the trust and security of the sub. The Dom has to be respected by the sub. Respect is a quality that is earned by the Dom being right, and issuing swift, correct justice and reward to the sub. The Dom is not there to inflict pain and degradation on the sub, but to give the sub a goal and a direction on how to love and please him.

As the lover, the Dom is loving and, when appropriate, stern. He must recognize that he is the only source of pleasure for the sub. He must see to it that this area is not neglected. The Dom should, when appropriate, be gentle, supportive, and tender to the sub. A Dom/sub relationship is not just about overpowering. It is about the Dom caring for the well-being of the sub. If punishment is required to stop a destructive action by the sub, then it comes from the Dom. On the other hand, when correct action has been noted by the Dom, love and caring should come from him to the sub.

The Master

The Master is a higher gradient of control in D/s. The Master follows the same rules as a Dom, but in a stricter sense. The Master can have a slave, but may also call their slave a sub. The slave is owned or “collared” by the Master. The Master considers the slave a possession, but a highly valuable and loved one, the most valuable thing he owns. Offenses against the rules laid out by the Master are dealt with more severely, in most circumstances. Still, the Master, when pleased, flows great love and caring to his slave. The Master is also more protective of his slave because the slave is totally dependent on the Master.

The Submissive, or sub

To be sure, the slave serves; the Master receives. But that does not mean that the slave has no sense of self, or self-worth. Her needs are real, and she should leave a relationship where her needs are not met.“ (Rex99, 7/21/95, AOL)

The role of the submissive appears to be somewhat simpler, but in actuality, the sub plays a large role in shaping the D/s relationship. The sub’s primary role is to follow her Dom’s directions and to please the Dom. Being submissive does not mean that the sub is a doormat for the Dom. The sub is the Dom’s companion, his student, and his lover.

As a companion, the sub is treated with respect and dignity, is allowed to voice opinions, and allowed to share in the Dom’s activities. This is the area where the sub is the most equal with the Dom.

As a student, the sub learns how to please the Dom, and when done, expects to be rewarded by the Dom. Likewise, when not done or done incorrectly, the sub expects to be corrected and shown the right way to act.

As a lover, the sub goes out of their way to please the Dom because they genuinely care for the well being of the Dom. The sub does this, not out of fear of pain or retribution, but because they wants to give the Dom pleasure. The sub does not want the Dom to be disappointed with them. The sub takes pleasure from the fact that the Dom is pleased.

The slave

The slave is a higher gradient of submissiveness in D/s. A slave’s primary purpose in life is to serve the needs and desires of the Master. The slave relinquishes all control to the Master, because the slave knows the Master has her well-being totally at heart. The slave is marked by her Master in some fashion to show ownership. This can be done with a tattoo, a piercing, or even a physical collar. The Master/slave relationship tends to be more of a lifetime commitment to each other than a typical Dom/sub relationship. The slave is held to a higher standard of conduct and compliance than a typical sub, due to the fact that the slave has given control of their life to the Master.

Chapter 3 - Dominance and Submission Roles

Note: In this chapter and henceforth, I will be referring to Masters and Doms as Doms. Likewise, slaves and subs will be called subs.

In order for any venture to be successful, there must be basic guidelines. I understand that every couple is different, and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless, basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there are some that are universal.

No actual injury should occur to the sub. That does not suggest that spankings, discipline and correction do not occur, they just are not calculated to produce real injury, either to body or mind. In D/s, pain is sometimes used to correct behavior, or as a pleasurable experience depending on the people involved. It is not the central focus of the relationship.

Pre-agreed limits. It is simply an agreement on what the Dom and sub will and will not do. These limits are different for all couples. A pre-agreed limit is simply the boundaries established by the relationship. As an example, some couples put a limit on other people joining them for a scene. It is important to discuss honestly with each other what your personal limits are before beginning a D/s relationship. These are lines that are not crossed without at least some discussion beforehand. These boundaries do change with time as the relationship progresses.

The sub should have a “safeword”, or something they can say to halt the present time activity. The safeword is a word that is understood by both parties to mean that action needs to stop. It could be that the sub is in great pain, or the Dom wants to clarify a situation outside of the action he is engaged in. Usually, it is that a line is being crossed that was not discussed in the pre-agreed limits, but just now came up. D/s is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties. Limits and safewords are type of guarantee that things don’t get out of control on either side. If the couple are in the middle of a caning, and the sub is having a problem with the situation, the safeword is used to stop the action. When the safeword is spoken, the action must stop at that moment. This will allow the Dom and sub to discuss what the problem is, or correct a painful or dangerous situation outside the “scene”.

Communication between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship. The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist, the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment of both partners. Limits and safewords assist in ensuring both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all control.

Over time the use of safewords and limits may diminish, however many couples in a long term relationship still use them.

Chapter 4 - Reward and Punishment

This point is where many D/s relationships fall to pieces. Overpunishment for minor infractions, non-acknowledged good deeds, and ignoring blatant wrong action cause the affinity in the relationship to break down. The roles of both Dom and sub are fairly rigid; the duties of both well understood. When a Dom doesn’t punish major infractions, or ignores correct action by his sub, the agreements made at the beginning of the relationship are broken. It is here that a Dom shows his true colors. The Dom should be in control not only of his sub, but himself as well.

At the beginning of a D/s relationship, the Dom and sub may agree on a long list of correct and incorrect actions, but if the Dom does not remember them, the sub is “getting over” on the Dom, and in the process, losing respect for the Dom’s power. It would be better to have only a few rules at the start, then as time progresses, expand them as the relationship grows.

Overcorrecting is also poor. If the Dom is cruel or vicious, the sub will only do what is required out of fear of punishment. Over time, the sub will have no desire to please the Dom, and the Dom will suddenly realize they have no real control over the sub.

Punishment is a tool to correct wrong or no action by the sub. It should never be done in anger! This is a very important point. When you punish in anger, real injury can occur, safewords are nullified, and limits do not exist. This is a very dangerous situation. The Dom who punishes in anger is moving into the area of abuse. In D/s, the Dom cares about the feelings of the sub. It is very difficult to have empathy when you are angry. Pain is not the end all and be all of a D/s relationship. It is just one more tool at the disposal of the Dom to guarantee the rules are complied with.

Punishment does not even have to include pain. Movement restrictive bondage, humiliation, harsh words, or even a look can punish the sub. Privileges can be removed such as not being allowed to sit on the furniture, or by the Dom forcing the sub to sleep at the foot of the bed. There are many ways to punish incorrect actions. Save the severe stuff for major infractions. If you beat a dog every day, all you get is an angry, uncontrollable dog. The same goes for a sub, and an angry sub is much more hazardous than an angry dog. Punishment is always followed by reward when the sub corrects the infraction. The sub must be allowed to make up the damage, and then it is forgiven.

Rewards show the sub that the Dom is pleased. It is a tangible show of love and caring from the Dom to the sub for a correct action. This is the true power of the Dom. The reward can be a kiss, a caress, flowers, a short note, or even a long, tender session of lovemaking. Rewards given to the sub shows that the Dom is thinking of them, and cares for their well being. It acknowledges their proper behavior and reinforces it. This is how the Dom creates in the sub the willingness to please him. A happy sub will do anything to ensure the happiness of the Dom, and will avoid actions that disappoint.

Chapter 5 - Bondage

Bondage is a tool used by the Dom to restrict the movement of, or to immobilize the sub. Binding can be used for correction, but it is often used for pleasure, depending on the particular D/s relationship. During bondage, the Dom has complete control over the sub, but this depends on the type of binding used. There are a variety of restraints you can purchase at your local adult bookstore, or through catalogs. Each one has its own use and purpose. Regardless of the style of restraint, they should all be somewhat comfortable to wear but restrictive, and should not cut off blood circulation. If the sub is extremely uncomfortable, they will have attention on their body and not fully on the Dom.

During bondage, the Dom has almost complete control of the sub’s body, and can use the time for instruction, punishment, teasing, or can bring the sub to orgasm at the Dom’s wishes. In order to be bound, there has to be a deep level of trust by the sub for the Dom. It is at this time more than any other that the Dom needs to be very perceptive of the cues the sub will give. When a sub is bound, the chance for injury jumps drastically, and the sub is not in a position to defend or assist herself. It is an act of total submission to allow yourself to be bound, and the sub is trusting the Dom to do the right thing. Therefore, the Dom must be in complete control of himself while handling a bound sub. Drinking or taking drugs before bondage is not recommended.

NOTE: The following items should be used with extreme care. It is very easy to permanently injure or even kill another person with these items. If you are unsure of how to use these items, get the assistance of experienced D/s couples.

Ropes

Rope bondage is the most common. This includes rope, scarves, neckties, belts, or any other multi-purpose item used to restrain the sub. Usually, the hands are bound to each other, but they can be bound to the thighs, waist, behind the back, or above the head. The sub can also be bound to another object such as a chair, shower curtain rod, hook in the ceiling, and many other places where you can tie off a rope. The feet can also be bound together, or apart.

NOTE: Care must be taken with rope. It is very easy to cut off circulation, or cause rope burns. Use a soft, large diameter rope, such as nautical rope. Check your sub frequently. The more the sub struggles, the tighter the rope becomes.

Straps

Normally, these are special items made of nylon webbing or leather. These are items that go a step beyond mere binding of hands or feet. They are much more difficult to get out of, and are more restrictive. Some strap items bind the wrists to the thighs, or to the ankles. Strap bondage items tend to be for a single purpose.

NOTE: When using strap items, check them thoroughly before use. If the item is frayed, ripped, has loose attachments, or is discolored, either repair the damage or throw the item away.

Cuffs

Cuffs are mainly used for wrist and arm restraint. When referring to leg and ankle restraint, they are normally called shackles. They can be made from many different materials, from nylon with Velcro closings, to leather, to metal. Care must be taken in using cuffs since a tight fit can cut off circulation. Cuffs can be used to bind the hands to the sub’s waist, ankles, thighs, or to other objects. Usually, when hand or thumbcuffs are not used, the cuff is a specialized item that binds an extremity to another object, one or two at a time.

NOTE: I do not recommend police-style handcuffs for bondage. They do hurt, and can cause skin and tendon damage. Use a wrist strap device made for the purpose.

Chains

Since chains can cause injury to the skin, they are normally used to support cuffs, or to hold up a suspension device. However, some Doms use chain directly on the skin because it will not tighten accidentally. Choose a smooth, finished chain, and use quick-release clasps.

NOTE: Chains can twist and catch skin, pinching or tearing it. Examine your chains before use, and if there is damage, do not use the item.

Collars

Collars are devices that go around the neck of the sub. They can be made of leather or nylon. Chains or straps can be attached to it to secure the hands or legs. These devices can be different from a standard collar which shows ownership.

NOTE: Beginners should avoid the use of collars, or anything which goes around the neck of a sub in the beginning. It is very easy to inadvertently choke your sub.

Bars

Bars, also called spreader bars, are used to separate extremities from each other. They are normally around 2-3 feet long, though the size varies. The ends of the bar can be attached to cuffs around the wrists, ankles, or neck. The bar enables the Dom to control the movement of the sub, and enables the Dom to access certain body areas easily.

NOTE: Care should be taken to ensure the connectors on the ends of the bars are securely fastened, because if a connector comes loose, the bar could swing around and strike either the sub or the Dom.

Suspension Devices

Suspension devices are used to raise the sub off the floor. These devices are more advanced, and are best left alone if you are inexperienced.

Specialty Items

These items include padded boards, gymnastic horses, racks, crosses, benches, stocks, and many other items. These items are expensive and normally take up large amounts of space. Before purchasing these, make sure you have room for them in your home. They are also advanced bondage items.

For the beginner, I would suggest using what you have in the house. Gym equipment, the dining room table, chairs, shower curtain rods, placing a hook above the door frame, or a four poster bed work very well for training purposes. A Dom does not need a fully equipped dungeon to properly train a submissive.

As you acquire more specialized bondage items over time, remember to inspect the item carefully before placing it on your sub. If the item is frayed or cut, or has broken clasps, throw it away. It is dangerous to use damaged items. At best, it is an unnecessary interruption of play. At worst, your sub could be injured. These are the Dom’s tools. Keep them in working order.

Chapter 6 - Training Items

There are many types of training items. Usually, they are used for punishment, but, when used gently, can be very erotic. These items should serve no other purpose than for the administration of discipline. They are symbols of power and authority for the Dom. They must be treated with care and respect. Do not wield an item unless you are prepared to use it. These items are more than just another tool. They should instill awe in the sub, and effect an immediate change in their attitude. They are tangible evidence of the Dom’s role as the administrator of justice to the sub. Therefore, they should not be overused or misused.

Belts can be used to discipline the sub. Folded in half, they are very effective for spanking. It is easy to get out of control with a belt, though, inflicting more pain than is necessary. Of course, the intensity of pain is at the discretion of the couple. Riding crops are also very effective. The head of the crop, run up the inside of the sub’s thighs, is very erotic, and a strike from the crop is quite impinging on the sub. Flails are items that have many long thin straps attached to a handle. They can actually break the skin if wielded too strongly, but with a light or medium touch, can get your sub’s attention quickly. They cover a larger area of skin, giving many defined areas of pain. Paddles come in all shapes and sizes. They are used for spanking large areas.

These items should be used for higher gradients of discipline, since they do cause higher degrees of pain than the flat of your palm, and can cause injury if not used with caution. An inexperienced Dom should use the item on himself before using them on the sub. This way, the Dom will get an accurate estimate on the amount of force needed with each item to produce the desired effect.

There are also items like gags, ball gags, and face masks. I do not suggest that the beginner utilize those items. When gagged, the sub will have a difficult time getting a safeword out, and may be injured inadvertently. If you must use a gag, though, the Dom must be very careful, and very in tune with the sub. Other means of “safewording” should be used, such as a bell held in the sub’s hand, or a ball, when dropped, signaling the Dom that the sub is having problems, and a time-out should be started.

Chapter 7 - Training Techniques

Respect for the sub is very important in this phase. As a Dom, you are attempting to bring out the best in your sub, not break her spirit and turn her into a robot.

Even in training, there are certain guidelines that are useful:

• Never strike a sub in the face. A light to medium open-hand slap below the neck is normally sufficient to handle the job. You can place your hands on the sub’s face to make them look at you.
• Never break skin on purpose. If you do, handle it immediately after punishment is finished. Soothe the scrapes with lotion, talking softly and gently to your sub.
• Never leave a bound sub unattended. Accidents can happen, and the sub is in no position to assist themselves.
• Never discipline in anger. That has been covered earlier.
• Never engage in D/s under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This goes for the sub as well as the Dom.
• Always explain why the discipline is occurring to the sub. Discipline must occur for a specific reason. To arbitrarily discipline a sub breaks down her trust in the Dom.
• The punishment should fit the offense.
• Discipline should always be followed with tenderness and love. The infraction has been dealt with, and is in the past. As a Dom, do not hold a grudge against the sub. Allow the sub to be forgiven.

There are a large number of techniques that Doms use. These vary from couple to couple. One technique that people use is to bind the sub’s hands above their head, bind their feet together, and, with the flat of the hand, spank them from their shoulders to their ankles, front and back. This is a very effective way of getting their attention.

Reward is also very important. Correct actions must be rewarded by the Dom, otherwise the sub has no incentive to obey the Dom’s instructions. You could give your slave a single flower, a note left on the computer, or a loving caress. The reward will depend on the sub and the action which pleases the Dom. Once in a while, a Dom will find a sub to whom a spanking is a reward. This is why the Dom must know the sub, totally. Every sub is different, just as every Dom is different.

It is very difficult to give step-by-step instructions on how to discipline or reward a particular sub. Some subs are totally submissive, others have a very strong will. In any case, the discipline is for correction, the reward is for compliance. If more correction is needed, do not hesitate in escalating your actions. Use the amount of correction necessary to punish the infraction. Do not threaten punishment. Apply it. The sub will respect the Dom to a greater degree. If the sub complies above and beyond what you expected, reward them accordingly. Remember, the strength of the Dom lies in his love for the sub.

When using any style of domination, care must be taken not to injure the sub. An actual injury, if caused, should be tended to immediately. Stop the scene, quickly unhook or detach the sub from any devices, and tend to the injury. Basic first aid should be known by the Dom, because injuries can happen, and the Dom is responsible for the sub.

Humiliation

Humiliation is a specific style of domination that centers on making the sub do a particular act, or doing something to a sub that is repugnant or causes the sub to feel less powerful. Examples of humiliation include making the sub eat from a bowl on the floor, publicly disciplining a sub, and making a sub perform an act in public which could be considered embarrassing. Some forms of excretory play (urine, feces) could also be considered under this heading. This can be an effective means of control of the sub, but is sometimes considered overkill. Usually, the sub obeys the Dom because the sub wants to please their Dom. When the sub, however, decides to ignore the authority of the Dom, or decides to play the brat, sometimes humiliation can be considered as a tool for discipline. Personally, I do not enjoy or employ humiliation training. It depends on the couple involved in the relationship whether this style of domination is used.

Restriction

Restriction is a style of domination where the sub is restricted in movement. Restriction can be enforced with restraining devices, such as ropes, or merely words. Restricting the movement of a sub is a widely used training technique. Restriction can be used along with almost any other style of domination, such as restriction and spanking, or restriction and humiliation. Simply tying the subs hands behind their back is a light form of restriction. Telling your sub to kneel, or not to move is a form of restriction. Heavier restriction can include tying hands and feet to the bed or a hook on the wall, or binding the sub’s hands and feet together. Heavier restriction will tend to have extra items used for restriction, such as spreader bars, cuffs, rope, or other specific devices. Very heavy restriction does not allow very much, if any, movement by the sub. Very heavy restriction can utilize larger items, like crosses, racks, large quantities of ropes, specialized strap devices, or suspension devices. The amount of restriction necessary depends on the training or play being initiated by the Dom.

Physical Domination

This style of domination includes a wide range of activities, including spanking, whips, flails, floggers, and electrical stimulating devices. This style is often included along with restriction. Another style of physical domination includes moving the sub in space without their consent, by the hair, a leash, or a simple hand on the back of the neck. Physical domination is a very direct way of communicating to the sub the position and authority of the Dom. Physical domination does not have to be violent or punishing. In public, a firm hand on the sub’s shoulder can have as much effect as a swat on the behind for correcting a sub’s behavior.

Verbal Domination

This style of domination is not as directive as the above methods, but is a style in its own right. Verbal domination is control using words and speech to effect a change in the sub. An example of this would be sliding up behind your sub in a public place, and whispering into their ear, or calling them “slave” in a public area. Having your sub call you “Master” or “Mistress” in public would also be considered verbal domination. Some Doms exert so much control over their subs that a word or a phrase will instantly cause a change in their sub, sometimes against the will of the sub. These cases are rare, though.

In the case of cyber or long distance D/s, exercised on the phone or by computer, this is the style used by most Doms, since they are not there to correct or reward the sub physically. It is very difficult to physically dominate a sub over a long distance connection. The sub must do what the Dom orders, to the best of the sub’s ability. If clamps are to be applied, the sub must be able to physically do the action. Since the physical control of the sub is difficult to ensure, verbal domination is used extensively.

Chapter 8 - Additional Information

There is more to D/s than just paddles and flails, ropes and cuffs. There are other “toys” that are used and are useful, especially if the parties agree that the play can become more intense. The following items and techniques are not recommended for beginners, but are included so that when and if you decide, you have the information at hand to ensure that the play continues to be safe and consensual.

NOTE: The following items and techniques are more advanced, and have a greater probability of severe or permanent damage. If you are unsure about how to proceed, get more information from experienced D/s couples. The warnings in the following sections are not to frighten you. The warnings are there for your and your subs safety. Extreme caution should be exercised when using these techniques and items.

Wax

Wax play is utilized by many couples for enhancing their play. Candle wax, dripped onto sensitive body areas, such as the nipples, chest, or groin can be intensely stimulating for couples who have a greater pain tolerance. The sensation of the hot wax, running down and hardening into a semi-soft shell can be very erotic. The heat from the wax also serves to intensify the sensitivity in and around the area if the wax is not too hot.

NOTE: Very hot wax can cause first, second, or even third degree burns. Blisters can form quickly, and skin damage can easily result. When using candles, hold the candle high above the body part exposed to the melted wax. If the heat sensation is not strong enough, bring the candle closer, but only a little at a time. If you are not sure about how hot the wax is, test it by letting some fall on a sensitive part of your body, such as your wrist or inner arm. Take care not to burn yourself.

Clamps

Clamps are devices that apply pressure to a body part. They can be used on nipples, the chest and outer genitalia. There are many styles of clamps, from plain clothespins to specialized genital clamps. Some clamps even have a tension adjuster to get the correct amount of pressure. Some Doms will apply the clamps to the desired area, and then add weight to pull down on the area, or attach the clamp to a pulley system to pull up or out on the clamped body part. The sensations can range from pleasure to mild discomfort to extreme pain, depending on the area that is clamped, the amount of pressure on the clamp itself, and if there is any weight applied to the clamp.

NOTE: Clamps should be used with caution. Clamping any body part reduces the blood flow to that area to a greater or lesser degree. Lack of blood can kill tissue quickly. Also, clamps should not have sharp edges that can catch skin or cut the sub. When using clamps and weight, extreme caution should be taken as to avoid tearing skin or applying so much weight that the clamp is torn from the body part.

Electrical Stimulating Devices

Electrical stimulating devices use electricity directly applied to the skin. On most, the intensity of the applied electricity can be altered, from a low voltage to a fairly high amount. The sensations that come from these devices range from pleasant to very painful. The electricity goes into the skin and muscles, stimulating the muscles and nerves directly. The devices can be inserted into various body orifices, or applied to the outer skin or genitalia, depending on the shape of the device, and its intended use.

NOTE: Electrical stimulators can be very expensive to purchase. Be sure to fully inspect these particular devices before use. Frayed wires, loose plates, or even corrosion on the device can render it useless or dangerous. Electrical play can quickly become hazardous to the sub and the Dom. If the sub is standing, a shock to the legs or groin can cause the sub to collapse almost instantly. An inadvertent shock to the spine can be unpredictable, and a shock across the heart can cause the heart to stop or beat erratically. These devices should be researched thoroughly by the Dom and sub that plan to use them during play. All safety information that comes with the device should be read and understood totally. Do not use the device in a manner that is not definitely spelled out in the instructions. Electrical play is best left alone. It is very dangerous edge-type play, and must be thoroughly researched before being embarked on.

Ice

Ice play can be a welcome addition to a relationship. Ice can be used on external body parts, external genitalia, or even internal genitalia if care is taken. Ice can quickly sensitize affected body parts, or numb them slightly. Ice can even be used to intensify an orgasm in either sex. With males, a thin piece of ice, inserted into the anus during ejaculation, can give the male a more intensified orgasm than normal. Ice rubbed on nipples will cause an almost instant stiffening, making clamp application easier in some situations.

NOTE: Caution shall be observed. Ice play can cause frost-nip or in severe cases, frostbite. Frost-nip is a temporary situation of numbness, pain, and diminished blood flow in the affected area. It will go away with the application of heat. Frostbite is a serious condition of actual tissue death. The skin turns gray, and there is no blood flow. The skin will feel very waxy. Frostbite must be attended to very quickly. It is doubtful that true frostbite will be caused with ice play, but the Dom should always be watching the sub and their reactions for any bad signs. Do not apply hot wax or hot water to a frost-nipped or bitten area. Use the warmth of your hands or underarms to re-warm the nipped area. Also, ice inserted into the anus or vagina can cause internal cuts, which can severely injure or kill your sub.

Body Training

Body training uses specialized apparatus to “train” a body part or area to look a certain way for an extended period of time. Corsets are used to train the waist and lower abdomen to make it smaller. Nipple training devices pull the nipple out from the breast to lengthen it. There are other devices specific to other body parts. The difference with these and other devices is that body training occurs over a long period. With corsets, the sub wears it for about 22 hours a day for a long time. The result of the training can be extremely visually pleasing.

NOTE: There are extreme cautions to these procedures. Corsets accomplish the “wasp waist” look by physically moving internal organs up into the rib cage. Other training devices apply pressure and tension to a specific body part for extended periods. If used improperly, all body training devices can cause severe pain and possible injury.

Piercing

Piercing is a way of ornamenting the body in other places than the ear with jewelry. Pierced areas can include the nose, eyebrow, lip, and nipples. In females, piercing can include the clitoris, clitoral hood, inner and outer labia. In males, piercing can include the penis shaft, the glans, and the scrotum. Piercings can be temporary, where a thin sharp needle is passed through the skin, or permanent, where a sharp hollow needle actually carves out a portion of the skin, making a hole. The jewelry ranges from simple hoops to intricate jewelry. Chains, rope, and clamps can be attached to the jewelry itself to pull on the skin.

NOTE: Since an object is breaking the surface of the skin, profuse bleeding will normally occur. Also, due to the skin break and subsequent blood contact, infections can easily take hold. Blood poisoning, gangrene, and death can happen due to an improperly cared-for piercing. Because of the dangers involved, eroticized piercing should be avoided. All piercing implements and jewelry should be disinfected thoroughly before use, and the area being pierced should be cleaned with an anti-bacterial wash.

Epilogue

This has been a labor of love. I wish to thank the many people that I have talked with for their input. This booklet was written to answer some of the many questions I am asked about D/s, and in my life I have met many people who were interested in D/s, but knew nothing about it.

I hope after reading this information you are left with the understanding that the Dom is not only about discipline. He is about love. Also, the sub is not the doormat for the whims of a Dom, but a valuable addition to the Dom’s life. D/s is not for all couples. It worked for me and I want to share the information I have learned through years of practice.

http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/begguide.shtml

I Wanna Try Being A Sub But I Don't Think I'm Ready To Be Owned Yet

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Hey there so I follow your blog because I love it obviously, question tho, I wanna try being a sub but I don't think I'm ready to be owned yet idk I'm really nervous about but at the same time want it. I'm bi not fully out. So limitations exist, any tips or places I could visit to help me ease into it?

Unknown Author:

I’m glad you like my blog and thank you for following!

As for your question, for me at least, ownership is not something I equate to my submission. There is a big difference between subbing a few times for a local Dom to test the waters, subbing consistently with the same Dom(s) over a large period of time, and being collared and “owned” by any particular Dom.

I don’t know how to navigate spaces discreetly (if one of my other followers has info on that it would be much appreciated) as I have had the privilege of being out for years. I will give you the basic run down of what I would say is the best way to go about entering kink and D/s spaces.

So first off, it sounds like you are in exploratory phases. You aren’t quiet sure what exactly you want yet and you just want to see if this is for you. I would recommend finding a local Dom who is willing to help try some stuff with you, which is easier said than done sadly. Side note: I caution you on moving too quickly. Some “doms” will try to rush you into play just so they can have someone to beat and blow their load in. Those are not Dominants. Those are tops who prey on naivety. It is dangerous to be a naive sub in this world, we are vulnerable not just in play but beyond that as well. As a sub, you will give a lot of control to Dominants and it is important that you have someone who will not intentionally hurt you beyond what your limits are.

After you’ve met that Dom here are some tips for engagement. Your first meeting should not be sexual or play based right off the bat. Seek a neutral spot for your first meeting, get A (one) drink or dinner. Things do not need to go any farther than that for your first meeting. Get to know one another as humans before you get to know each other in a scene. Talk about what you want out of each other and, if your are in a private enough area, talk about play, desires, kinks, and soft/hard limitations. If you want both want to start that evening go for it. If you aren’t comfortable give it a day or two. Think it over and communicate.

For your first play session don’t do anything too extreme. Set up safe words and a comfort scale (red, yellow, green; red being your safe word for ‘stop all play immediately’, yellow for ‘this is getting to be a lot but I don’t want to be done’, and green, well, you don’t really have to say ‘green’ unless they ask how you are in which case you could just say ‘I’m great Sir.’) Don’t say you can handle something if you haven’t done it before. Be honest and up front. If he asks “can I flog you?” and you’ve never been flogged, instead of saying “Yes Sir” (which gives him the impression ‘this is a relatively experienced sub’) say “I’ve never been but I’d be interested to try Sir” (which lets him know to introduce you gently to flogging). Don’t be afraid of communicating. It takes a while to get into a comfortable rhythm with a Dom where both of you don’t have to say much. In your first few meetings be vocal not just about discomforts but also about things you are enjoying. Let him know he is doing a good job and I’m sure he will let you know how you are doing.

Lastly, you don’t need to be ready to be owned in order to experience subbing. Being a sub doesn’t necessarily mean that someone else owns you. Ownership is typically a very sacred thing among Doms and subs and those who attempt to “own” or “collar” you too quickly are not actually looking for the bond and commitment that it takes to be in that type of relationship. That’s what being collared is, the symbol of a relationship, maybe not romantic but a relationship none the less.

Maybe I’m Not Dominant Enough?

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

I strive every day to be a good dom. Maybe I'm just not dominant enough but I'm having trouble connecting with a submissive. I'm not sure if I'm doing something fatally wrong as I am new to this lifestyle. Any help or advice u could offer would be greatly appreciated.

LMS:

This is one of the most common questions I get asked, so first just know that you’re not alone in this.

The phrase “maybe I’m not dominant enough” makes me think you are probably making one of the biggest mistakes that new doms on the scene make. See, it’s not about displaying dominance. It’s about showing that you’re someone worth submitting to.

Actively trying to display dominance often has the opposite of the intended effect, especially when you don’t really know someone. It comes across as laughably childish and poorly conceived, an idea that stereotypical “alpha” behavior is what attracts submissives. I can tell you for sure that this isn’t the case.

Every submissive partner I’ve had has sought me out. I am not in the habit of approaching people. Most of them didn’t even know I was into kink or identified as dominant until they asked. It’s not something I go around broadcasting.

I was always curious about what it was about me, specifically, that made submissives look at me and go “that’s a dom”. So I asked. I’ve asked every single submissive partner I’ve had what made them seek me out.

I expected some of them to say it was about my look. I’m a broad shouldered, barrel chested, square jawed old fighter and I know that appeals to some people. But not a single one of them said it was my look.

I expected some of them to say it was about my presence; I walk the earth like a man who fears nothing and it’s noticeable. But nobody said it was about my presence.

I expected some of them to say it was my drive; I finished my MBA at the top of my class and have a reputation in my field for being someone who gets things done in ways most people never will. But none of them said it was about my drive.

The answers I got from all of them were nearly identical: They saw the quiet confidence with which I held myself. They heard a humble certainty in my words. They observed that I always did what I said I was going to do and always treated people with kindness, regardless of who they were or what they did. They saw that I lived mindfully and put a great deal of thought and consideration into the way I spoke to people. That I put others before myself. That I genuinely cared about the well-being of everyone in my life.

And I know this isn’t an answer that most who have this same question will like. Because there isn’t a big, easy “NOTICE ME” flag you can fly here. The way, the ONLY way is a long journey of self-improvement. Because all the cockiness or bravado in the world isn’t going to make anyone want to kneel. If that were the case, every Frat Bro in the world would be a dom. The only thing that makes someone want to kneel to you is for them to look at you and know that you are someone they can believe in.

I hope this helps.

---

Papa Tony:

I've spoken similarly, here.