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From Submissiveguide.com
Part One:
“What do I do if my significant other is vanilla?”
This is a common situation and one which does not have an easy answer. It is important because, for many of us, it is not sufficient to simply bury our desires and needs for BDSM submission. This article will discuss how to approach your partner the ultimate goal of hopefully participating in BDSM with them.
The alternative to discussing this with your partner is to hide your desires and while this may be a safer route for some who are unwilling to risk any stress in their relationship, it has a large chance of causing damage to the relationship not only from a significant lack of your own fulfillment but also from a significant lack of open communication.
To open a dialog, communicate with your partner to understand what potential there may be if any, for BDSM to be included in your relationship. I recommend that you avoid initially inundating your partner with all of the details of your fantasies as your partner may be scared away by talk of scat or genital puncture but talk of light bondage or service should be safe to discuss if presented in a calm and open manner.
When you have the first discussion about BDSM with your partner, attempt to understand your partner’s views and attitudes and, if you receive a positive and supportive response, you may introduce a bit more detail into the conversation such as light whipping. It is probably too risky in a first or even second conversation to go into any more detail, the main point is to view and listen to your partner’s reactions.
In the first conversation do not ask your partner to participate with you in your BDSM desires because that will put him or her in an uncomfortable place of making a quick decision. Simply express your general desires and let your partner think about it for a future conversation. Putting pressure on your partner is the quickest way to scare off your partner and that is the last thing you would want to do. Be patient with your partner.
It is important to manage your own expectations in this process. You may find that your partner jumps for joy and reveals his or her secret desires to be compatible with you but that will likely not be the reality and it could be harmful if you react negatively when these ideals are not initially met. If you could get through the first discussion with your partner being supportive, then that is a positive first step even if your partner does not show any initial willingness to take part with you.
It may take your partner time, possibly an extended amount of time, to be able to participate with you so the primary goals of the first conversation or two should be
Let your partner know of your general desires for BDSM (without asking at this stage for participation); and
Avoid scaring off your partner.
Here is an example of approaching your partner for the first time about expressing your general BDSM desires: Choose a setting with no distractions in which you and your partner are very unlikely to be interrupted by dinner being ready or your favorite TV show beginning. Depending upon the general communication level between you and your partner, ask if he is she has a few minutes to discuss something with you. You want to present this as something which is important and not just some casual throwaway conversation.
Start with something familiar and add to it a beginning of what you would like your partner to know. “Remember that time a month ago when you bossed me around in the kitchen? I enjoyed that and I really like the idea of being bossed around by you.” If the initial response to this is not negative, “It really turns me on to think about being bossed around by you and under your thumb.” That might be enough for a first conversation unless he or she asks for more information such as a clarification or even an offer; if your partner starts ordering you around right then and there don’t be shy about accepting, although I wouldn’t go into this expecting your partner to have that initial reaction.
If you do not have a starting point for a conversation about the topic you would like to bring up, then you can just jump right in, carefully. “You’ve heard of people enjoying being tied up, right? I like the idea of that” and then if the initial response is not negative you can follow-up with “It’s exciting to me to think about being tied up and under your control.”
If the first conversation goes no further, then that is okay and you can end with something like “I just wanted you to know because I don’t want to hide anything from you.” This first conversation might only last one minute, which is okay.
If after the first conversation or two nothing is gained beyond these two goals, do not express disappointment or other negativity because that could prevent further advancement of your ultimate goal of participating with your partner. To repeat: Manage your own expectations.
After the initial conversation, have a follow-up conversation hopefully a day or two later to determine your partner’s feelings, once he or she has had time to think about it. It may be helpful to mostly repeat the first conversation, just to reinforce for your partner that this is important to you while making sure that your partner understands your general desires.
Depending on how the second conversation goes, you may want to ask explicitly how your partner feels about this. “So how do you feel about this?” is a good open-ended question towards the end of the second conversation. By contrast, “So would you like to participate with me?” may be too risky at this stage as it may be too pushy unless your partner has shown enthusiasm or strong support. Avoid asking yes or no questions because that backs your partner into a corner.
In later conversations with your partner about BDSM, it may be helpful to go into further details and to ask about your partner’s desires more explicitly. Once your partner feels comfortable that you are still the person he or she cares for, it is reasonable to ask something like “On a scale from 0 to 10, how much to you think you might be interested in participating with me?” This avoids the dreaded yes/no dynamic.
You will need to see how the conversations go with an eye towards not putting your partner on the spot to decide but to hopefully keep the conversation moving forward towards your goal. It is a difficult balance between finding out your partner’s stance without pushing your partner into a decision but it is well worth the time and effort in finding that balance with your partner.
You may find that your partner is willing to participate with you even if not with as much initial enthusiasm as you hope for or need but that the enthusiasm may grow over time. That is a subject for a future article.
What if your partner shoots you down and is not interested at all? In this case be supportive of your partner’s freedom to choose. Remain positive because this is not the end of the story. At a later date, perhaps after a few days, bring up the issue again and see if your partner has the same response, or try sending your partner an e-mail which expresses your general desires without being negative. By this time, your partner may have remorse at shooting you down and may want to work this out. Also, bringing the issue up again gives a clear message that this is important to you and not just a minor issue. If you get shot down a second time then wait a week or two and bring it up again. If you get shot down a third time then the situation will likely not change soon and you would need to deal with the difficult situation. That situation is for a future article.
As a summary:
First conversation: express a mild version of your general BDSM desires but do not ask your partner for any sort of decision;
Second conversation: mostly repeat the first conversation and ask how your partner feels about this;
Tread lightly to avoid scaring off your partner;
Manage your own expectations; even if there is a significant setback do not express negativity; and
Maintain positive communications; there is nothing more of a game-killer than negativity.
Part 2- My Partner is Not Interested
Dealing with a situation in which your vanilla partner is not receptive to what has been discussed.
As mentioned in part 1, if after the first conversation in which you have expressed a mild version of your BDSM desires your partner does not show any interest, then go ahead and have a second conversation which is mostly a repeat of the first and ask how your partner feels on a scale of 0-10. Ideally, your partner will express some interest and then you can discuss how you may participate together, that is a topic for future part 3 of this article.
What do you do if your partner isn’t particularly interested?
There are two types of this situation: A) your partner is not interested but seems willing to take part in some way though only as a way to give you some of what you need and B) your partner is not interested in participating.
Situation A: If your partner is not interested but willing to participate in order to make you happy, then even if that is not your wish it is probably a good idea to discuss and plan for participation and see how it goes. For my own personal preference, I would not want a partner who did not enjoy participating – I envision a dominant chewing gum and holding a book in one hand while using the other hand to whack me with a ping-pong paddle without even looking at me, not my idea of fun! – but by allowing my partner to participate initially we could see how it goes and maybe my partner would learn to actually enjoy it. This is not ideal but over time, possibly weeks, my partner might enjoy it and then we would both get what we want in the long-term which is mutual enjoyment through BDSM. On the other hand, if the participation just isn’t fun the first couple of times then you may decide not to continue it. It is up to you for how many times or how often you would like to continue with your partner’s participation. In any case, keep open the lines of communication with your partner.
For example, if ideally, you would like to have a half hour scene of torture with your partner tying you down, whipping you, and enjoying it, then your partner could do a very mild version of this by tying you down and whipping you up to his or her comfort level. See how it goes. You would need to let your partner decide the comfort level and keep in mind this situation is for when the partner is fully willing to participate and offers to help. Don’t try to convince your partner to take part in this situation, if your partner is just not interested in participating then having to convince him or she would probably not lead to a good long-term ending and instead see situation B below.
If your partner is participating only to please you, then offer a thank you regardless of how well the scene went. Even if you did not particularly enjoy it, your partner has gone out of his or her way to try to help you achieve what you desire and that in itself deserves gratitude. At some point after each scene discuss with your partner your feelings – focusing on the positive without discussing the negative unless you have a serious issue to discuss such as improper safety during a scene – and ask for a 0-10 idea on what your partner is feeling. As time goes on you will need to decide whether your partner’s feelings and enthusiasm are enough for what you are looking for. If the participation is sufficient for you at least initially, then that is great and be patient with your partner while continuing to set aside time to discuss both of your feelings when not in a scene.
Situation A
is difficult because it may not be easy to decide whether your partner is participating just to please you. Your partner may seem to just be going through the motions and not doing a good job during a scene but then tell you that the interest level is a 6 out of 10 which is a decent early interest level. In this case, your partner may just need some tips so discuss with your partner how you can help with advice or links to articles if they would want that.
In my case I asked my previously vanilla wife if it would be helpful for me to write a script and she said yes that would be very helpful so that is what I did, writing out a list of specific activities in order and with approximate time frames – 5 minutes with a bullwhip followed by 2 minutes with a crop, and so on – and that was a big help for her to understand the types of activities and durations I would enjoy going forward without my writing any more scripts. The next time she tortured me for a long scene it was without a script and it was amazing. Your vanilla partner may not have any idea on how to top or dominate during a scene so any help you can provide ahead of time would likely be appreciated.
In discussions, rely on the 0-10 rating your partner gives you and reinforce with your partner that you are looking for an honest opinion. If the interest level of your partner never rises to a decent level then you need to decide whether to keep going as is with your partner participating only to please you. Maybe that would be sufficient for you, it is up to you to decide.
What if your partner gives it a try but it just isn’t working out and you decide to end your partner’s participation? I do not have a good answer for this. If this occurs then I recommend looking at the last two paragraphs of this article before the summary.
Situation B
: If your partner is not interested and not offering to participate, then that is not the end of the story. If BDSM is important to you, then bring up the topic again a few weeks later with essentially a repeat of the first two conversations. The tone should not be anything like “C’mon, give it a try!” it should be something like “I just wanted to talk about this again because this is so important to me.” Give your partner time, possibly days, to digest this information which seems to be a repeat but is actually letting your partner know how important it is to you.
Bringing it up this third-time weeks later really lets your partner know the importance. You are not just asking for what to have for dinner or a popular song you would like to share with your partner, BDSM is an important part of your life. I am not suggesting badgering your partner. It is not badgering to calmly and rationally in a non-distracted setting express your desires. You are not specifically asking for anything. You are simply stating your desires and then allowing your partner to offer an honest reaction.
This third conversation, weeks after the other two, may get a reaction in which your partner is willing to take part and in that case, see Situation A above. If not, then don’t hesitate to have a follow-up fourth conversation about it a day or two later after your partner has had time to think about it, and ask your partner’s feelings 0-10 if your partner is not otherwise clear with his or her feelings.
If your partner puts you on the spot by asking if you would end the relationship if BDSM were not included, answer either no or that you don’t know for certain, whichever seems most comfortable to you. I recommend against answering yes unless you are truly ready for the relationship to potentially end right then and there, which is a huge step and not to be answered with just one word.
If your partner simply isn’t interested and there does not seem to be an avenue for further discussions, such as another follow-up discussion a week or two later, then I do not have any advice for that situation. I am not any sort of expert or professional about this. If that occurred to me then I would seek help from a relationship counselor because BDSM is important enough to me not to simply close the door. However, I would not do anything to remotely cheat on my wife including going to a professional or any other dominant without discussing it with my wife because that would have a big chance of doing great harm to the relationship and to my own well-being.
Above all, stay positive. It is not productive to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner by criticizing or complaining to him or her, as tempting as it might be. Even when a situation seems hopeless, there is usually a way forward even if that way does not seem clear at the moment. Unless you are in the last few years of your life there is time for things to turn around and you never know what can change over time.
As a summary:
If your partner is not particularly receptive to your BDSM desires, then one of two situations likely applies:
Your partner is willing to take part to some degree but without much enthusiasm – in this case, participate and help provide as much advice as your partner would accept, see how it goes.
Your partner is not willing to participate – in this case wait a few weeks and bring up the issue again so that your partner understands how truly important BDSM is to you, allow your partner time to think about it
Keep open the lines of communication and take the time to have discussions with your partner
Remain positive, the most reliable way to shut doors is to be negative and by remaining positive you keep the possibility that there is a resolution to the situation.
Part 3- My Partner is Interested!
In this final part, we examine how to proceed if your vanilla partner reacts positively from either the approach in part 1 or part 2.
Your partner has reacted to the revelation of your BDSM desires in a positive way or at least is willing to participate. Congratulations! This is a huge first step. It may seem to you and me that most anyone should appreciate the submission we have to offer but that is not always the case and there is no guarantee that a partner – even one who is cherished for life – would react positively. So be encouraged that you have gone this far with your partner because it may still not be smooth sailing and you may need that feeling of encouragement when practicing perhaps more patience than you may initially expect.
A couple of words of advice: safety and service. Your partner will probably not be aware of safety issues related to the activities you will be sharing so discuss common safety concerns. Your partner may become concerned or even alarmed but reassure your partner that the activities you are discussing are practiced safely by likely hundreds of thousands of people and with an eye on safety there is no significant risk of a problem.
Service is a good way to help your partner enjoy the BDSM journey you embark on together. Even if you are not a submissive who enjoys providing service, try to find ways in which you can be of service such as offering to wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash your partner’s car, or more intimate service such as sexual activities your partner particularly enjoys (or all of the above!). This is not negotiation or quid-pro-quo, it is simply you being a more affectionate partner and perhaps adding submission to your motivation. Push yourself to a certain extent to do this even if there is a time when things aren’t going very well.
A great service to provide for your partner is a long massage during which you can talk about BDSM or other topics. This not only pleases your partner who may associate your better attitude with the BDSM experiences you two are sharing but it also helps keep the lines of communication open to discuss your mutual enjoyment or any issues. Be clear that the service you are providing does not have strings attached so that your partner does not feel pressured to reciprocate in any way.
Even after your partner has accepted your BDSM desires without a negative judgment and perhaps even participated in some light activities as discussed in part 1, your partner will likely have some reservations and may or may not be ready for more detailed information about your desires. How much to discuss in detail is highly dependent upon how extreme your desires would likely be viewed by your partner, your partner’s general openness to new and potentially uncomfortable ideas, how important it is to you to reveal more details, and the overall communication level in your relationship.
In your initial discussions, you may have a sense of this already. When you initially discussed your desires with your partner, did your partner seem uncomfortable and did it take some time for your partner to get used to the idea? Or did your partner smile without a hint of negativity and seem glad that you opened up about your desires? It will be up to you to judge when you think your partner is ready for more information.
You should not avoid discussing your desires for too long or else it may become a source of stress for you. For example, if you have already revealed that you enjoy being tied to the bed and spanked lightly (relatively mild activities) and you are considering whether or not to reveal that you would enjoy being whipped hard in the back until you are screaming and crying in pain (something a bit more extreme than just light spanking), how important is it to you and how do you think your partner would react to this situation? Your partner may need some time to get used to BDSM in your lives or your partner may be ready to learn more about you. There is no guideline to the time needed, it depends on the individuals.
Here is an even more important factor: do not push your partner into doing anything they do not want to do. It is not pushing to reveal your desires as long as that is the focus of your conversation. On the other hand, if you say something like “I want you to whip me very hard for 15 minutes” that puts a burden on your partner which could be a form of pushing. A statement such as “I would love to be whipped very hard for 15 minutes” might also be viewed as pushing but it is simply stating your desires and if mentioned as part of a discussion it would likely not be seen as pushing.
On the one hand you don’t want to bottle up your desires but on the other hand, you don’t want to push. The middle ground approach is to wait until your partner seems ready for the information and then reveal it as your desire.
That brings us to patience. Your partner may take the ball and run with it once you reveal your desires. Your partner may read books, scour the internet, go to BDSM forums for advice, and have discussions with you in which your partner attempts to learn how to best dominate you. In that case, you are in a best case scenario. Be open and honest and help your partner with detailed information or links to websites if your partner is open to that. For example, if you enjoy bastinado, find a good bastinado step-by-step description. Your partner is new to BDSM and it is not likely that your partner will become more than a novice in a short period of time.
However, the scenario I describe in which your partner will jump in with both feet will often not be the case and you should expect that the process will be much slower. You may go for weeks or months without experiencing nearly as much BDSM as you would like.
You need to be patient. And patience may be very difficult because you want to submit. Your partner will likely need time to overcome a lifetime of natural and learned instinct not to hurt or otherwise dominate you. Also, even if your partner overcomes that, your partner may take the time to truly enjoy dominating you. You may find that at times the level of BDSM in your relationship ebbs and flows and you may become discouraged in the seeming lack of progress.
If you become discouraged then try to remain patient if you can. Think rationally about your partner’s actions. Does it appear that your partner is losing interest in BDSM? Or are you just presently unfulfilled because you are not experiencing as much BDSM as you want? If only the latter applies, then try to hold on and focus on your partner’s apparent interest level because that is your potential light at the end of the tunnel.
If your partner is, in your rational view, appearing to lose interest then discuss this in calm detail when not distracted, similar to your initial discussions of your BDSM desires. Try to focus the discussion on how much your partner is or is not enjoying dominating you and on which activities or mindsets your partner finds most enjoyable about it.
Maybe your partner just doesn’t enjoy bastinado but does enjoy tying you up. Maybe your partner needs some time to work up to rough sex or whipping hard. If the issue is just a matter of specific activities, compromise so that both you and your partner may enjoy the experience. There is no rush. At a later date your partner may decide that more activities are worth trying so hopefully, you can enjoy for now BDSM without some of the activities you enjoy.
Ask “On a scale of 1-10 what would you say is your enjoyment level?” Avoid asking yes or no questions such as “Are you enjoying this?” because that backs your partner into a corner. It is good to ask this 1-10 scale question from time to time (perhaps once a week or more for the first couple of months) even if things seem to be going well because it will give you either encouragement or an indication that more discussion would be helpful, and in general it may open up more communication which is good for any relationship.
If your partner’s overall desire for BDSM seems to be truly decreasing, then gently try to understand what may be causing that. If the issue is the specific activities then that may be addressed through compromise and tweaking of the activities you participate in. If the issue is just that your partner is not enjoying it much, then be supportive and indicate that you are patient in case your partner needs more time to get used to it. Be willing to tone down or go without BDSM for a period of time (such as a week) and check in with your partner from time to time to see if feelings (1-10 scale) have changed.
Your BDSM submissive desires are important to you. Unless your partner just says no way anyhow, give your partner time and patience and check in with your partner from time to time to let your partner know how important it is to you, similar to the approach discussed in part 1. Do not push, asking for your partner’s views and feelings is not pushing.
At some point what you likely hope is for your newly dominant partner to find creative ways to dominate you, within the guidelines you have provided to your partner. Unless you have only a very specific and limited list of activities you want, the ideal situation is for your newly dominant partner to take active control of not only a scene but even deciding exactly which activities will occur. But that, too, may take time even if your partner is willing. You cannot will it to occur and pushing would not help.
Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage your partner. Did you enjoy when your partner told you to crawl on the floor as a puppy? Tell your partner how wonderful it was, later after the scene is over. Your partner may already know this from your actions during the scene as you wagged your tail and barked happily but it is extremely helpful to hear it in your own (human) words later just to be sure. Praise your partner for as much as you reasonably can, including individual parts of a scene. Some examples are “I loved the look on your face when you were scolding me,” “You were giggling in joy while whipping me, I loved that!” and “Your finger placed right there really drove me wild.”
Try to avoid negative comments as much as you can. Did your partner not hit you hard enough with the belt on your back? Don’t say that. Do keep an eye on the issue and if your partner is repeating this sort of issue then, by all means, discuss it together, such as “It’s up to you but you can whip me harder with the belt if you want” after two or three scenes. That is a much more effective statement than the accusatory statement “You didn’t hit me hard enough with the belt the past few times.”
In contrast, bring up safety issues as soon as you can. Is your partner whacking you with a crop over and over on your lower back? Call the safe word if you need to (yellow, for example) and calmly explain that this particular activity could cause damage to the kidneys. Hopefully, you will have already discussed safety issues ahead of time but it’s difficult to cover every angle ahead of time and it is worth stopping a scene for safety.
In these articles, I have focused several times on the importance of timing for communications such as when to reveal more extreme desires and when to bring up issues but this is not meant to imply that you should bottle up your feelings. Feelings and most everything else should be discussed with your partner. If your feelings are strong enough to override the timing concerns I have mentioned, then, by all means, discuss the issue with your partner when you need to. There is a balance between not pushing your partner or making your partner uncomfortable, with not bottling up your feelings and opinions and this balance is something which you will probably need to navigate through on your BDSM journey.
One other issue which may come up is that your partner may feel the need to do or be something which your partner is not comfortable with. For example, your partner may read an article which states “A Dominant must portray confidence at all times or else the scene will be ruined” and this may make your partner feel uncomfortable. Assure your partner that everyone has their own views on BDSM and there is no right or true way. The best way to experience BDSM is however you two want to experience it, as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual.
A question you may be asking is “What on earth makes me think that my partner would be interested in dominating me at all?” This is very valid as many people would not be interested in dominating whatsoever and the initial discussion may not get past part 1 of this series of articles. However, your partner has something which very few vanilla people have: a submissive who is willing to help with caring advice and patience. Your partner may learn to enjoy dominating you initially just to please you, then grow to truly enjoy the effect it has on you, and even possibly enjoy the activities in themselves with the effect heightened by your mutual enjoyment. If your partner grows to truly enjoy the effects on you from your partner’s domination and looks forward to dominating you, that is a win-win and it is a realistic goal for any submissive with a vanilla partner.
There are many more topics which may come up on your BDSM journey as these articles are only the tip of the iceberg. It is very difficult to anticipate which issues will come up ahead of time but www.FetLife.com is a very good community with groups in which you will see others who are going through a version of your same journey, with many of the concerns you and your partner may have. I encourage you and your partner if your partner is interested (remember not to push), to join FetLife and take advantage of the advice provided in addition to learning about different BDSM mindsets and activities.
As a summary of this article:
Most of all relax and have fun. It may take time for your partner to warm up to BDSM as much as you may need, be patient and keep the lines of communication open. There is no right way to approach this topic and these are only guidelines to help past some of the potential difficulties.
If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to contact me at nrjb2@yahoo.com or on FetLife with my username Ted_Subby. Happy submitting!
Dealing with a situation in which your vanilla partner is not receptive to what has been discussed.
As mentioned in part 1, if after the first conversation in which you have expressed a mild version of your BDSM desires your partner does not show any interest, then go ahead and have a second conversation which is mostly a repeat of the first and ask how your partner feels on a scale of 0-10. Ideally, your partner will express some interest and then you can discuss how you may participate together, that is a topic for future part 3 of this article.
What do you do if your partner isn’t particularly interested?
There are two types of this situation: A) your partner is not interested but seems willing to take part in some way though only as a way to give you some of what you need and B) your partner is not interested in participating.
Situation A: If your partner is not interested but willing to participate in order to make you happy, then even if that is not your wish it is probably a good idea to discuss and plan for participation and see how it goes. For my own personal preference, I would not want a partner who did not enjoy participating – I envision a dominant chewing gum and holding a book in one hand while using the other hand to whack me with a ping-pong paddle without even looking at me, not my idea of fun! – but by allowing my partner to participate initially we could see how it goes and maybe my partner would learn to actually enjoy it. This is not ideal but over time, possibly weeks, my partner might enjoy it and then we would both get what we want in the long-term which is mutual enjoyment through BDSM. On the other hand, if the participation just isn’t fun the first couple of times then you may decide not to continue it. It is up to you for how many times or how often you would like to continue with your partner’s participation. In any case, keep open the lines of communication with your partner.
For example, if ideally, you would like to have a half hour scene of torture with your partner tying you down, whipping you, and enjoying it, then your partner could do a very mild version of this by tying you down and whipping you up to his or her comfort level. See how it goes. You would need to let your partner decide the comfort level and keep in mind this situation is for when the partner is fully willing to participate and offers to help. Don’t try to convince your partner to take part in this situation, if your partner is just not interested in participating then having to convince him or she would probably not lead to a good long-term ending and instead see situation B below.
If your partner is participating only to please you, then offer a thank you regardless of how well the scene went. Even if you did not particularly enjoy it, your partner has gone out of his or her way to try to help you achieve what you desire and that in itself deserves gratitude. At some point after each scene discuss with your partner your feelings – focusing on the positive without discussing the negative unless you have a serious issue to discuss such as improper safety during a scene – and ask for a 0-10 idea on what your partner is feeling. As time goes on you will need to decide whether your partner’s feelings and enthusiasm are enough for what you are looking for. If the participation is sufficient for you at least initially, then that is great and be patient with your partner while continuing to set aside time to discuss both of your feelings when not in a scene.
Situation A
is difficult because it may not be easy to decide whether your partner is participating just to please you. Your partner may seem to just be going through the motions and not doing a good job during a scene but then tell you that the interest level is a 6 out of 10 which is a decent early interest level. In this case, your partner may just need some tips so discuss with your partner how you can help with advice or links to articles if they would want that.
In my case I asked my previously vanilla wife if it would be helpful for me to write a script and she said yes that would be very helpful so that is what I did, writing out a list of specific activities in order and with approximate time frames – 5 minutes with a bullwhip followed by 2 minutes with a crop, and so on – and that was a big help for her to understand the types of activities and durations I would enjoy going forward without my writing any more scripts. The next time she tortured me for a long scene it was without a script and it was amazing. Your vanilla partner may not have any idea on how to top or dominate during a scene so any help you can provide ahead of time would likely be appreciated.
In discussions, rely on the 0-10 rating your partner gives you and reinforce with your partner that you are looking for an honest opinion. If the interest level of your partner never rises to a decent level then you need to decide whether to keep going as is with your partner participating only to please you. Maybe that would be sufficient for you, it is up to you to decide.
What if your partner gives it a try but it just isn’t working out and you decide to end your partner’s participation? I do not have a good answer for this. If this occurs then I recommend looking at the last two paragraphs of this article before the summary.
Situation B
: If your partner is not interested and not offering to participate, then that is not the end of the story. If BDSM is important to you, then bring up the topic again a few weeks later with essentially a repeat of the first two conversations. The tone should not be anything like “C’mon, give it a try!” it should be something like “I just wanted to talk about this again because this is so important to me.” Give your partner time, possibly days, to digest this information which seems to be a repeat but is actually letting your partner know how important it is to you.
Bringing it up this third-time weeks later really lets your partner know the importance. You are not just asking for what to have for dinner or a popular song you would like to share with your partner, BDSM is an important part of your life. I am not suggesting badgering your partner. It is not badgering to calmly and rationally in a non-distracted setting express your desires. You are not specifically asking for anything. You are simply stating your desires and then allowing your partner to offer an honest reaction.
This third conversation, weeks after the other two, may get a reaction in which your partner is willing to take part and in that case, see Situation A above. If not, then don’t hesitate to have a follow-up fourth conversation about it a day or two later after your partner has had time to think about it, and ask your partner’s feelings 0-10 if your partner is not otherwise clear with his or her feelings.
If your partner puts you on the spot by asking if you would end the relationship if BDSM were not included, answer either no or that you don’t know for certain, whichever seems most comfortable to you. I recommend against answering yes unless you are truly ready for the relationship to potentially end right then and there, which is a huge step and not to be answered with just one word.
If your partner simply isn’t interested and there does not seem to be an avenue for further discussions, such as another follow-up discussion a week or two later, then I do not have any advice for that situation. I am not any sort of expert or professional about this. If that occurred to me then I would seek help from a relationship counselor because BDSM is important enough to me not to simply close the door. However, I would not do anything to remotely cheat on my wife including going to a professional or any other dominant without discussing it with my wife because that would have a big chance of doing great harm to the relationship and to my own well-being.
Above all, stay positive. It is not productive to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner by criticizing or complaining to him or her, as tempting as it might be. Even when a situation seems hopeless, there is usually a way forward even if that way does not seem clear at the moment. Unless you are in the last few years of your life there is time for things to turn around and you never know what can change over time.
As a summary:
If your partner is not particularly receptive to your BDSM desires, then one of two situations likely applies:
Your partner is willing to take part to some degree but without much enthusiasm – in this case, participate and help provide as much advice as your partner would accept, see how it goes.
Your partner is not willing to participate – in this case wait a few weeks and bring up the issue again so that your partner understands how truly important BDSM is to you, allow your partner time to think about it
Keep open the lines of communication and take the time to have discussions with your partner
Remain positive, the most reliable way to shut doors is to be negative and by remaining positive you keep the possibility that there is a resolution to the situation.
Part 3- My Partner is Interested!
In this final part, we examine how to proceed if your vanilla partner reacts positively from either the approach in part 1 or part 2.
Your partner has reacted to the revelation of your BDSM desires in a positive way or at least is willing to participate. Congratulations! This is a huge first step. It may seem to you and me that most anyone should appreciate the submission we have to offer but that is not always the case and there is no guarantee that a partner – even one who is cherished for life – would react positively. So be encouraged that you have gone this far with your partner because it may still not be smooth sailing and you may need that feeling of encouragement when practicing perhaps more patience than you may initially expect.
A couple of words of advice: safety and service. Your partner will probably not be aware of safety issues related to the activities you will be sharing so discuss common safety concerns. Your partner may become concerned or even alarmed but reassure your partner that the activities you are discussing are practiced safely by likely hundreds of thousands of people and with an eye on safety there is no significant risk of a problem.
Service is a good way to help your partner enjoy the BDSM journey you embark on together. Even if you are not a submissive who enjoys providing service, try to find ways in which you can be of service such as offering to wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash your partner’s car, or more intimate service such as sexual activities your partner particularly enjoys (or all of the above!). This is not negotiation or quid-pro-quo, it is simply you being a more affectionate partner and perhaps adding submission to your motivation. Push yourself to a certain extent to do this even if there is a time when things aren’t going very well.
A great service to provide for your partner is a long massage during which you can talk about BDSM or other topics. This not only pleases your partner who may associate your better attitude with the BDSM experiences you two are sharing but it also helps keep the lines of communication open to discuss your mutual enjoyment or any issues. Be clear that the service you are providing does not have strings attached so that your partner does not feel pressured to reciprocate in any way.
Even after your partner has accepted your BDSM desires without a negative judgment and perhaps even participated in some light activities as discussed in part 1, your partner will likely have some reservations and may or may not be ready for more detailed information about your desires. How much to discuss in detail is highly dependent upon how extreme your desires would likely be viewed by your partner, your partner’s general openness to new and potentially uncomfortable ideas, how important it is to you to reveal more details, and the overall communication level in your relationship.
In your initial discussions, you may have a sense of this already. When you initially discussed your desires with your partner, did your partner seem uncomfortable and did it take some time for your partner to get used to the idea? Or did your partner smile without a hint of negativity and seem glad that you opened up about your desires? It will be up to you to judge when you think your partner is ready for more information.
You should not avoid discussing your desires for too long or else it may become a source of stress for you. For example, if you have already revealed that you enjoy being tied to the bed and spanked lightly (relatively mild activities) and you are considering whether or not to reveal that you would enjoy being whipped hard in the back until you are screaming and crying in pain (something a bit more extreme than just light spanking), how important is it to you and how do you think your partner would react to this situation? Your partner may need some time to get used to BDSM in your lives or your partner may be ready to learn more about you. There is no guideline to the time needed, it depends on the individuals.
Here is an even more important factor: do not push your partner into doing anything they do not want to do. It is not pushing to reveal your desires as long as that is the focus of your conversation. On the other hand, if you say something like “I want you to whip me very hard for 15 minutes” that puts a burden on your partner which could be a form of pushing. A statement such as “I would love to be whipped very hard for 15 minutes” might also be viewed as pushing but it is simply stating your desires and if mentioned as part of a discussion it would likely not be seen as pushing.
On the one hand you don’t want to bottle up your desires but on the other hand, you don’t want to push. The middle ground approach is to wait until your partner seems ready for the information and then reveal it as your desire.
That brings us to patience. Your partner may take the ball and run with it once you reveal your desires. Your partner may read books, scour the internet, go to BDSM forums for advice, and have discussions with you in which your partner attempts to learn how to best dominate you. In that case, you are in a best case scenario. Be open and honest and help your partner with detailed information or links to websites if your partner is open to that. For example, if you enjoy bastinado, find a good bastinado step-by-step description. Your partner is new to BDSM and it is not likely that your partner will become more than a novice in a short period of time.
However, the scenario I describe in which your partner will jump in with both feet will often not be the case and you should expect that the process will be much slower. You may go for weeks or months without experiencing nearly as much BDSM as you would like.
You need to be patient. And patience may be very difficult because you want to submit. Your partner will likely need time to overcome a lifetime of natural and learned instinct not to hurt or otherwise dominate you. Also, even if your partner overcomes that, your partner may take the time to truly enjoy dominating you. You may find that at times the level of BDSM in your relationship ebbs and flows and you may become discouraged in the seeming lack of progress.
If you become discouraged then try to remain patient if you can. Think rationally about your partner’s actions. Does it appear that your partner is losing interest in BDSM? Or are you just presently unfulfilled because you are not experiencing as much BDSM as you want? If only the latter applies, then try to hold on and focus on your partner’s apparent interest level because that is your potential light at the end of the tunnel.
If your partner is, in your rational view, appearing to lose interest then discuss this in calm detail when not distracted, similar to your initial discussions of your BDSM desires. Try to focus the discussion on how much your partner is or is not enjoying dominating you and on which activities or mindsets your partner finds most enjoyable about it.
Maybe your partner just doesn’t enjoy bastinado but does enjoy tying you up. Maybe your partner needs some time to work up to rough sex or whipping hard. If the issue is just a matter of specific activities, compromise so that both you and your partner may enjoy the experience. There is no rush. At a later date your partner may decide that more activities are worth trying so hopefully, you can enjoy for now BDSM without some of the activities you enjoy.
Ask “On a scale of 1-10 what would you say is your enjoyment level?” Avoid asking yes or no questions such as “Are you enjoying this?” because that backs your partner into a corner. It is good to ask this 1-10 scale question from time to time (perhaps once a week or more for the first couple of months) even if things seem to be going well because it will give you either encouragement or an indication that more discussion would be helpful, and in general it may open up more communication which is good for any relationship.
If your partner’s overall desire for BDSM seems to be truly decreasing, then gently try to understand what may be causing that. If the issue is the specific activities then that may be addressed through compromise and tweaking of the activities you participate in. If the issue is just that your partner is not enjoying it much, then be supportive and indicate that you are patient in case your partner needs more time to get used to it. Be willing to tone down or go without BDSM for a period of time (such as a week) and check in with your partner from time to time to see if feelings (1-10 scale) have changed.
Your BDSM submissive desires are important to you. Unless your partner just says no way anyhow, give your partner time and patience and check in with your partner from time to time to let your partner know how important it is to you, similar to the approach discussed in part 1. Do not push, asking for your partner’s views and feelings is not pushing.
At some point what you likely hope is for your newly dominant partner to find creative ways to dominate you, within the guidelines you have provided to your partner. Unless you have only a very specific and limited list of activities you want, the ideal situation is for your newly dominant partner to take active control of not only a scene but even deciding exactly which activities will occur. But that, too, may take time even if your partner is willing. You cannot will it to occur and pushing would not help.
Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage your partner. Did you enjoy when your partner told you to crawl on the floor as a puppy? Tell your partner how wonderful it was, later after the scene is over. Your partner may already know this from your actions during the scene as you wagged your tail and barked happily but it is extremely helpful to hear it in your own (human) words later just to be sure. Praise your partner for as much as you reasonably can, including individual parts of a scene. Some examples are “I loved the look on your face when you were scolding me,” “You were giggling in joy while whipping me, I loved that!” and “Your finger placed right there really drove me wild.”
Try to avoid negative comments as much as you can. Did your partner not hit you hard enough with the belt on your back? Don’t say that. Do keep an eye on the issue and if your partner is repeating this sort of issue then, by all means, discuss it together, such as “It’s up to you but you can whip me harder with the belt if you want” after two or three scenes. That is a much more effective statement than the accusatory statement “You didn’t hit me hard enough with the belt the past few times.”
In contrast, bring up safety issues as soon as you can. Is your partner whacking you with a crop over and over on your lower back? Call the safe word if you need to (yellow, for example) and calmly explain that this particular activity could cause damage to the kidneys. Hopefully, you will have already discussed safety issues ahead of time but it’s difficult to cover every angle ahead of time and it is worth stopping a scene for safety.
In these articles, I have focused several times on the importance of timing for communications such as when to reveal more extreme desires and when to bring up issues but this is not meant to imply that you should bottle up your feelings. Feelings and most everything else should be discussed with your partner. If your feelings are strong enough to override the timing concerns I have mentioned, then, by all means, discuss the issue with your partner when you need to. There is a balance between not pushing your partner or making your partner uncomfortable, with not bottling up your feelings and opinions and this balance is something which you will probably need to navigate through on your BDSM journey.
One other issue which may come up is that your partner may feel the need to do or be something which your partner is not comfortable with. For example, your partner may read an article which states “A Dominant must portray confidence at all times or else the scene will be ruined” and this may make your partner feel uncomfortable. Assure your partner that everyone has their own views on BDSM and there is no right or true way. The best way to experience BDSM is however you two want to experience it, as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual.
A question you may be asking is “What on earth makes me think that my partner would be interested in dominating me at all?” This is very valid as many people would not be interested in dominating whatsoever and the initial discussion may not get past part 1 of this series of articles. However, your partner has something which very few vanilla people have: a submissive who is willing to help with caring advice and patience. Your partner may learn to enjoy dominating you initially just to please you, then grow to truly enjoy the effect it has on you, and even possibly enjoy the activities in themselves with the effect heightened by your mutual enjoyment. If your partner grows to truly enjoy the effects on you from your partner’s domination and looks forward to dominating you, that is a win-win and it is a realistic goal for any submissive with a vanilla partner.
There are many more topics which may come up on your BDSM journey as these articles are only the tip of the iceberg. It is very difficult to anticipate which issues will come up ahead of time but www.FetLife.com is a very good community with groups in which you will see others who are going through a version of your same journey, with many of the concerns you and your partner may have. I encourage you and your partner if your partner is interested (remember not to push), to join FetLife and take advantage of the advice provided in addition to learning about different BDSM mindsets and activities.
As a summary of this article:
- 1. Be patient with your partner who may be slow in progressing with dominant desires, do not push your partner;
- 2. Discuss basic safety issues since your partner is new to BDSM;
- 3. Provide extra services such as chores or massage;
- 4. Praise your partner for positive experiences, do not criticize;
- 5. Reveal your more extreme BDSM desires slowly, when your partner seems ready;
- 6. Ask your partner’s opinions on the overall enjoyment on a 1-10 scale and whether or not there are specific activities your partner would want more or less of; and
- 7. Join FetLife for advice and information.
Most of all relax and have fun. It may take time for your partner to warm up to BDSM as much as you may need, be patient and keep the lines of communication open. There is no right way to approach this topic and these are only guidelines to help past some of the potential difficulties.
If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to contact me at nrjb2@yahoo.com or on FetLife with my username Ted_Subby. Happy submitting!
