Shutting Down a Scene

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …

“Awhile back you mentioned in passing a Dom shutting down a scene if it got too intense for the sub to be able to use her safe word responsibly. What are the symptoms, so I can watch out for it and be aware?”

This is a great question. First, respect to you for wanting to understand and keep your girl safe. Here’s the thing: we hear all this stuff about “the sub is safe, because she always has her safeword.” And that is true, as far as it goes. But what happens when, in the intense heat of a scene, the submissive has lost the power of rational volition? That sounds fairly nebulous, and probably useless, so let me break it down to some characteristic external markers that I’ve encountered over the years …

Loss of rational speech. Is her speech mumbled, incoherent, and “off-topic”? You need to shut that shit down.

Irrational demands for “more, harder.” If you’ve pushed her to (and possibly a bit beyond) her previous limits and to a place that you know is beyond her tolerance (for pain, intensity, etc) and yet she continues to moan “more …. harder …” then she has dropped too deep into sub space to be a rational player in the scene, and you need to shut that shit down.

“What is your name?” If you think she’s slipped away, ask her “What is your name?” I once had to ask a girl her name three times before I got a mumbled response. If she can’t answer immediately and coherently,  you need to shut that shit down.

Safeword. Above all else, if you ask “What is your safeword?” and she does not immediately respond crisply and coherently with her safeword, you need to shut that shit down at once.

Now, what do you do to bring her back? Hydration, a damp towel, under the covers, and a lot of cuddles and aftercare while talking to her softly and letting her know you’re there and all is well.

Hopefully these “indicators” will help you to keep your scenes Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Ball Gag Warning

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Alexander Martin:

One of the first really scary experiences I had was with a ball gag. I had a boy tied up before me and put a ball gag in his mouth. We arranged a hand signal for use in checking in. I started using the cane and as a new dom my strikes with the cane were inconsistent and sometimes too hard or too soft. Most of them were inaccurate as well, landing all over the place.

About three minutes in the boy suddenly took a harder hit than I intended. The entire time prior to this the boy had been trying to keep all the drool accumulating in his mouth. He had swallowed once or twice already. When I hit him though, he was in the middle of swallowing and it caused a reflex reaction to inhale sharply. He breathed in a bit of spittle and immediately began to panic. Coughing, bucking, unable to get a big breath of air things suddenly went from fine to BAD. I was scared because I did not know what was going on, and he could not communicate. Worse yet, with all the bucking I was failing to get a grip on him as he went from merely moving to full body thrashing and kicking.

I became determined to not let anything worse happen to him. Despite getting some sharp kicks and punches, I managed to get a grip and tighten it and advance until I could undo his gag, then he coughed violently and turned red. I put pressure on him still and undid his hands and legs.

I grabbed a water bottle I keep nearby and gave it to him which he quickly gulped. By that point he was a lot calmer. I managed to get him to tell me what happened, and as soon as I did, he made some excuses while getting dressed and ran out of the apartment.

This happened because I used what I thought was a very simple toy and I did not know to tell him “When using a ball gag, drool EVERYWHERE. Do not keep spittle in your mouth.” I am still new to bdsm. I have often found others have been practicing 20, 30, 40 years. I’ve been practicing since 2011. That said, I intend this blog to be a way to pass on some of what I learned periodically.

I’ve been inspired by some fellow dominants who have been giving really excellent advice to throw my hat into the ring. My hope is to post once a week plus any and all reader questions.

Responsibility (Landmine Story)

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imlostinvertigo: I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.

I learned the first time that he has a fairly low pain threshold, but I wanted to probe the borders of that a bit more to get a better idea of where I could take us. So I started the session with a good spanking and a little paddling. Nothing too intense, but it didn’t take much to get him to the edge of what he could take. Still, he took it well, and I had fun giving it to him. After we were done, I moved us on to some things I knew he would enjoy more, like having him on the floor licking on my boots. At some point he was enjoying himself so much that he quickly and unexpectedly shot a load all over the floor.

Now, I had given him permission to touch himself, but not to cum. I was glad he had a good time, but I also knew I needed to establish firm boundaries and expectations if we’re going to keep exploring things together. So I calmly but fimly explained to him that he had crossed a line he knew he shouldn’t have, and told him to go get the paddle off of my bed.

I gave him 10 more good licks, making him count each one and thank me for it. I could tell he was struggling with them at the end, which I wanted; I wanted to make sure he understood the concept of discipline early on in his submissive journey. And I was fully expecting to then hold him and explain that his discipline was over, he was forgiven, and we were moving on. But when we got the end, things took a turn.

He started sobbing almost immediately after the last blow. He had turned inward, and the discipline scene had hit on something very deep and very raw. I was disappointed in him. His husband was disappointed in him. His coworkers were disappointed in him. Because he was bad, and he ruined everything….

I had clearly stepped on an emotional landmine. And now instead of it being the ultimately affirming scene I had planned on, he was lost in these powerful feelings of shame and inadequacy. I knew I had to step in and keep him from spiraling down further.

Luckily, I’m pretty good in situations like this. I immediately went over to hold him, touched him gently and told him that far from being disappointed in him, I was vey proud of him! That he had taken his discipline very well, and that meant that all was good again. That he had served me well and I was extremely pleased wth his service. That he was a good boy. That no one was disappointed in him, least of all me. He came back to me, slowly. He finally stopped crying and relaxed in my arms. I asked him what he needed the most right then; he wanted a hot shower. I prepared one for him, got a towel, and hung out talking with him in the bathroom while he recovered.

After that we laid in the bed and cuddled and talked about what had happened. I explained to him that when you start pushing your body in new ways, especially with pain, you can enter into a state of vulnerability that can allow some pretty powerful emotions to come to the surface. That I had been there myself. Many times. That he shouldn’t feel bad about it at all, and that hopefully he actually felt better for having worked some of it out of his system. He left feeling good about it I was just thankful I had been able to help him get through it and understand it a bit.

Having said that. Man. I realized in a new way the responsibility that comes with being a Dom. I care about this boy a great deal, and when I could see how much distress he was in at the end of the scene that I had planned and put him through, I felt awful about it. I’m not saying I thought it was my fault; I didn’t do anything wrong, and I had no way of knowing I was stumbling into a very sensitive area for him. But it was still my responsibility. He was my responsibility. That’s the deal, his service for my guidance and protection. And I could really feel the weight of that responsibility when he broke down. In those first few moments when I didn’t know how far down that hurt had gone, I was really worried and keeping a wave of panic at bay.

I thought a lot about my Master, afterward. I’m one of those people that feels things very intensely myself, and for me good BDSM is a very emotional experience. I have broken down far more severely than what the boy did at the end of more than one hard scene with Master. Christ, I’ve rolled around on the floor and howled like a wounded animal. And every single time, Master has been my rock. Unflappable. He’s always taken care of me, treated me affectionately, given me what I’ve needed, brought me back to myself. He’s always shouldered his responsibility for me in these times with a seeming ease and sense of limitless strength. I could not go to the places I go with Him were that not so.

We submissives/switches should never forget what our Doms do for us, what an awesome responsibility it is to hold the physical and mental well being of another person in your hands so completely. It is not easy, and not for the weak of spirit. In return, we should always give them the best of our service and our utmost devotion and obedience.

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babygirl-1972

He is talking about  responsibility but also talks about how important aftercare is. No matter if it is the first scene with a submissive or a 100th, you have no idea how the MIND will react and what a word, phrase or hit will bring out. As a Dominant you have a responsibility to care for your submissive, talk, and bring them back to themselves.

Responsibility

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

ImLostInVertigo: I had the opportunity to switch again, a repeat session with one of the boys I’ve written about before.

I learned the first time that he has a fairly low pain threshold, but I wanted to probe the borders of that a bit more to get a better idea of where I could take us. So I started the session with a good spanking and a little paddling. Nothing too intense, but it didn’t take much to get him to the edge of what he could take. Still, he took it well, and I had fun giving it to him.

After we were done, I moved us on to some things I knew he would enjoy more, like having him on the floor licking on my boots. At some point he was enjoying himself so much that he quickly and unexpectedly shot a load all over the floor.

Now, I had given him permission to touch himself, but not to cum. I was glad he had a good time, but I also knew I needed to establish firm boundaries and expectations if we’re going to keep exploring things together. So I calmly but fimly explained to him that he had crossed a line he knew he shouldn’t have, and told him to go get the paddle off of my bed.

I gave him 10 more good licks, making him count each one and thank me for it. I could tell he was struggling with them at the end, which I wanted; I wanted to make sure he understood the concept of discipline early on in his submissive journey. And I was fully expecting to then hold him and explain that his discipline was over, he was forgiven, and we were moving on. But when we got the end, things took a turn.

He started sobbing almost immediately after the last blow. He had turned inward, and the discipline scene had hit on something very deep and very raw. I was disappointed in him. His husband was disappointed in him. His coworkers were disappointed in him. Because he was bad, and he ruined everything….

I had clearly stepped on an emotional landmine. And now instead of it being the ultimately affirming scene I had planned on, he was lost in these powerful feelings of shame and inadequacy. I knew I had to step in and keep him from spiraling down further.

Luckily, I’m pretty good in situations like this. I immediately went over to hold him, touched him gently and told him that far from being disappointed in him, I was vey proud of him! That he had taken his discipline very well, and that meant that all was good again. That he had served me well and I was extremely pleased wth his service. That he was a good boy. That no one was disappointed in him, least of all me. He came back to me, slowly. He finally stopped crying and relaxed in my arms. I asked him what he needed the most right then; he wanted a hot shower.

I prepared one for him, got a towel, and hung out talking with him in the bathroom while he recovered. After that we laid in the bed and cuddled and talked about what had happened. I explained to him that when you start pushing your body in new ways, especially with pain, you can enter into a state of vulnerability that can allow some pretty powerful emotions to come to the surface. That I had been there myself. Many times. That he shouldn’t feel bad about it at all, and that hopefully he actually felt better for having worked some of it out of his system. He left feeling good about it I was just thankful I had been able to help him get through it and understand it a bit.

Having said that. Man. I realized in a new way the responsibility that comes with being a Dom. I care about this boy a great deal, and when I could see how much distress he was in at the end of the scene that I had planned and put him through, I felt awful about it. I’m not saying I thought it was my fault; I didn’t do anything wrong, and I had no way of knowing I was stumbling into a very sensitive area for him. But it was still my responsibility. He was my responsibility. That’s the deal, his service for my guidance and protection. And I could really feel the weight of that responsibility when he broke down. In those first few moments when I didn’t know how far down that hurt had gone, I was really worried and keeping a wave of panic at bay.

I thought a lot about my Master, afterward. I’m one of those people that feels things very intensely myself, and for me good BDSM is a very emotional experience. I have broken down far more severely than what the boy did at the end of more than one hard scene with Master. Christ, I’ve rolled around on the floor and howled like a wounded animal. And every single time, Master has been my rock. Unflappable. He’s always taken care of me, treated me affectionately, given me what I’ve needed, brought me back to myself. He’s always shouldered his responsibility for me in these times with a seeming ease and sense of limitless strength. I could not go to the places I go with Him were that not so.

We submissives/switches should never forget what our Doms do for us, what an awesome responsibility it is to hold the physical and mental well being of another person in your hands so completely. It is not easy, and not for the weak of spirit. In return, we should always give them the best of our service and our utmost devotion and obedience.

Papa Tony:

I have written about this myself.  How we respond when we step on a Land Mine is what speaks for our character.  Yes, there is the potential for utter disaster and stress, but skillful handling can create new understanding and growth for all concerned.  This was handled with compassion and deep caring, by a good man.

When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

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Please post a reflection about what happens when bad scenes do happen to Tops.
Because we will all experience them at one point or another. So having a conversation on how to navigate that situation might be useful to some people.
It would be great to learn about how you "defuse the bomb" and how you have handled interactions after a bad scene.

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Papa Tony:

It happens to everyone. When fully-agreed-upon kinky play goes right off the road and into a ditch. There are a zillion ways that this can happen. Life would be SO much like really good porn if every scene was successful, right?

We can TRY to head off any problems by meeting at a neutral, public space, such as a coffee-house. Once there, we chat, negotiate and size each other up.

We sit over coffee, with our Bullshit Detectors operating at full crank, so that we can listen to our intuition, and see if both sides can comprise a good match for each others’ desires, needs and wants.

Even so, we can’t always predict how things go... maybe inexperience, shyness or bravado keep us from asking key questions that could head-off potential issues.

Alternatively, no matter how carefully we share information during negotiations, something can always go wrong. In writing this, I am assuming that both parties are of good will and solid character. Obviously, the alternatives are far too numerous for me to cover in a whole series of books.

LAND MINES

The two of you have met, sized each other up, negotiated, and arrived together for a scene.  Play commences, and suddenly, one or both of you realize that IT. JUST. ISN'T. WORKING.

I have talked about this before, somewhere in these many hours of Men's Discussions.

I will summarize:

"Land Mines" are a slang term, and a real possibility in kinky play.  Let's say that the bottom is getting flogged, and suddenly experiences a traumatic flashback to when Mom spanked them, or when a bully tickled them so unmercifully that they peed their pants, and that was a NASTY memory.

Out comes the primal, hard-wired "Fight, Flight or Freeze" response.

Suddenly, the scene changes in an unexpected, unpleasant direction.  The sub can curl up in a ball on the floor, and stop talking.  That's "Freeze".

Or, they can become ferociously angry, and wants to punch the Top.  "Fight" response.

Or, they end the scene, RIGHT NOW, and leave in a hurry.  Obviously, "Flight".

Whether or not a scene that goes suddenly wrong fits easily into the previous premise, how we respond as Tops is what speaks for our character.

RESPONSIBILITY

We can head-off the likelihood of bad scenes by giving a stern lecture about safewords to the sub before any play commences.  Yes, the Top has responsibilities, but so does the sub.

If the sub makes a decision to clam up and go all stoic, then there is no possibility of a two-way Power Flow between the two parties, and this can be a downer, and a nearly-certain likelihood of misunderstandings.

Conversely, if the sub is a "Traffic Cop", directing and micro-managing everything in the scene, then that is the exact opposite of ecstatic pleasure.  Desire does not show up well in the world of logic.

Building a flow during a power-play scene comes from shifting flexibly from moment to moment, finding ways to sync with each other.  Others may disagree, and that is fine.

In any case, neither play-partner has the right to complain after a scene if they have not been responsible adults all along, and staying in communication.

CHOICES FOR THE TOP

So... As Tops, how do we DEAL with a scene that has crashed and burned?  The easiest thing is to broom the sub off of our front porch, and pretend that nothing was our fault.  That's the easy way out, but it's not a very responsible reaction.

If we aspire to become wiser, higher-quality Sirs, we have to LEARN from what happened.  We have to ask what everything looks like from the other side's perspective, even if that knowledge is uncomfortable.

Let's say that we have been roasted over the coals of the sub's anger, frustration and disappointment.  We can try on the sub's perception of us, at least for a while.  We can humbly ask for more information, specifically as a way of gaining an outside perspective about ourselves.

AND...

If we know that we did our best, and that we are NOT the ravening beast that the sub makes us out to be, then it's okay to let go of any self-blame, after some serious self-appraisal and introspection.

What if their anger really, truly belongs to Dad from thirty years ago, wielding a belt of unfair punishment?

What if the sub is angry that we have frailties, flaws and vulnerabilities, unlike porn video actors?

ASKING FOR HELP

I have said this many, many times:

It takes a village to raise a high-quality Sir.

You really, truly aren't going to achieve your finest goals if you are trying to figure out all of this on your own.  Seek out Mentors, yes, but also consider having friends who are also kinky Tops, so that you can be vulnerable with each other, without ridicule.

CATHARSIS

So, what do I do, when a scene goes bad, and I step unwittingly upon a sub's personal Land Mine, causing a play-scene to veer-off into a catastrophic new direction?

I am kind, patient and open to possibility.  I make a declaration:  "I'm calling a time-out.  Let's cuddle".  They may not initially be open to that, but I can be very convincing.  So, we cuddle.

If there is anger, I ask what that is about.  I listen, and I don't argue.  I hold it in my heart that their anger does not belong to me, and that it is finally coming out in a way that can be very good for them.

If there are tears, then I hold them close, and say things like this:

"Your emotions are valuable."

"You are safe with me"

"I am honored that you trust me with your feelings"

"It is healthy to grieve"

“Give all of your sorrow to me, and I will hand it away to the universe.”

I do NOT pat them, or rub them, to distract them from their pain.  That is not valuable, and it is what our stupid culture tells us to do, to stop healthy grieving.  I just hold them, and I am fully present from moment to moment.

I let them talk, and talk, and if they say "Oh, I am talking too much", then I say "No... Keep going".

Once the tears and the talking are over, I invite them to "get back on the horse that threw them", and resume where we left off.  If that happens, in my extensive experience, then that old land mine will NEVER show up again.  The sub is cleansed of old wounds.

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CATHARSIS PLAY, WITH INTENTION

I was doing a public demo, outdoors on the patio of a bar (on the same day that this occurred), and the boy started sobbing during the scene.  Just a bit, because he was trying to suppress his tears.  I brought the flogging scene to a graceful finish, and while embracing him afterward, I made an offer.

"I invite you to come back to me, in a little while.  If you can trust me, I will be your guide on a special, cleansing journey.  It is clear to me that you are ready."

He eagerly agreed, and after I did this scene, he came back to me:

I told him that he is safe with me, and that I will be fully present with him during every moment of what comes up next. I urged him to be fully self-expressed... To let old, suppressed feelings OUT.  If he wanted to please me, then he could just be totally vulnerable, and I would treasure him for it.

So, I began flogging him.  I didn't beat him mercilessly, to FORCE my way past his barriers.  Instead, I gave him words of support and overt encouragement.  Every time that he started crying, I praised him, letting him know that this made me happier.

I used the encouraging phrases that I used above, in a warm and loving tone.  I did a lot of touch during the scene, merely touching his shoulder, or the back of his neck, not rub-rub-rubbing it.

Pretty soon, he was wailing full force, and undoubtedly alarming the other men on the patio.  The Daddy holding him was crooning in his ear, and loving him throughout the scene, so nobody else interrupted the scene.

I increased the intensity as I went along, but never to an intolerable point.  I did this, because it helped him to open up, and get directly in touch with old wounds.

Afterwards, I invited other men in our crew to come up and be part of a group hug, where we supported him and loved him.  It was aftercare as a team effort.  I never asked him what pain had showed up for him.  That's not my business, unless he offers it up for me.

He was WIPED OUT, drained and sleepy afterward, so I handed him off to his Daddy for longer-term aftercare.  I heard from them both the next day, and they were ecstatic.

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I just read your recent article, and I have to say that even as a sub it was very enlightening.  I'm wondering now about what can be done when scenes go bad in a physical way. For example, My Sir and I were playing, and in the scene, I learned how my minor circulation issues can be a big problem. I had my hands bound in a sort of spread eagle position as I was standing, which was really fun. However, I started to lose feeling in my hands and arms. 
Once they were free, I quickly lowered my arms, leading to a sudden loss in blood flow to my head. This made me nearly pass out, stumble over to the bathroom, and made me sick. Shortly after this, I just wanted to leave.
I'm wondering what could be done in such an instance, as a response to the side of things when plans go wrong due to unforeseen physical challenges, as well as ways to circumvent these.

If you didn’t know that it would happen, before it happened, this is clearly a Learning Moment, for all concerned.  I’m finding ALL SORTS of new, age-related issues, interfering with my own kinky play.  Not liking it, either.

Your own example is a perfect data-point to add to all future-play.  The Top should always be checking the sub’s hands and feet for coldness, indicating that circulation is not happening.  The bonds must be released, followed by massage of the affected areas, AS restrictions are released.

Just specify that news, as part of negotiations, and all should be well.  No Top wants to be known as a Bad Top, so support him in excellence with useful information, now that you know 

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Please post any comments below.  This is a much richer topic than I have attempted to cover here.

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Ardentsub:

Hi Papa, I had a question about this, can you elaborate on why it’s bad to rub someone’s back when they’re upset?

Papa Tony:

Thanks for asking. The rubbing is what we are expected to do by the larger society around us. It’s a distraction and a diversion from letting somebody feel sad. Sometimes folks NEED to feel sad in order to get better. So, we let them.