Library For Kinksters

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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dominantlife:

I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…

Aftercare
Aftercare 101
Aftercare For Dominants
Coping With Emotional Subdrop
Dom Drop
How To Make A Sub Drop Kit
Online Aftercare
sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare
Subdrop and Aftercare
Subspace and Aftercare

Consent
Consent & BDSM
Guide to Consent

Doms, Daddies & Masters
7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom
12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive
25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles
30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman
45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For
50 Rules for Daddies
100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess
101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)
Alternative Names For “Daddy”
Alternative Domme Titles
Aspects Of Control
Asserting Ownership - Rules
Daddy Up!
Defining A Daddy Dom
Dominants Need Training Also
Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles
Help For New Doms
How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive
How To Be A Good Dominant
How to Find a Submissive
Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man
New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom
Observations On Doms By A Submissive
So you want to be a Dom?
So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her
Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know
The Dom Commandments
Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind
What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective
What does the title Daddy mean?
What is a Daddy Dom?
What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?
What It Means To Be A Dominant
What Makes A Good Dominant

Littles, Subs & Slaves
6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant
7 Common Types of Submissives
10 Tips For Living With A Sadist
10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive
11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant
26 Baby Girl Jobs
50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy
A Bottom’s Responsibility
A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive
A Man Who Knows You…
A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom
Acid Test For Subs
Ask A Million And One Questions
Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective
Baby girl or little? A brief introduction
Care and feeding of Daddies
Characteristics Of A Good Daddy
Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner
Feminist Submissive
Finding Your Dominant
Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By
Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls
How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.
“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.
How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?
How To Find A Dom
How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom
I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy
Novice Submissives
Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK
Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’
Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.
Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts
Submissive Pride
Submissive Traits - Intelligence
Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me
What is a Little?
When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.
Why I call him Daddy
Your Rights As A Submissive

Long Distance Relationships
10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship
Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship
How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work
Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope
Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans
The Long Distance D/s Relationship

Mental Health
BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers
Body image & BDSM
How to Get Over Feeling Sad
Is BDSM normal?
Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!
Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship
Meditation And Mindfulness
On Cutting
Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories
Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction
Tips for Recovering from Codependency
What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)
Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

Relationships
10 Habits of Happy Couples
10 Top Communication Mistakes
10 Types of Emotional Manipulators
12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget
50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”
BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End
BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways
Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective
Communication Is Key
Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships
Daddy Doms and their little girls
Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More
Date Night In A Jar
DD/lg In Public
D/s and Domestication
Factors That Make A Relationship
Finding Love When You Least Expect It
Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests
How To Be Present In Your Relationships
How To Build A Healthy Relationship
How To Get What You Want In A Relationship
How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”
How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level
Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship
Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship
Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait
Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore
Searching for a D/s partner?
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships
Stop Arguments Before They Start
The Rewards of a Submissive
Types Of Relationship Insecurity
Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship
What Is Real Love?
When He Doesn’t Call
Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Safety
Another life ruined because of the morality police
Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!
Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t
Limits in BDSM
What is Emotional Abuse?

Self Improvement
10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life
10 Steps To Self Care
10 Ways To Be Happy
10 Truths To Live By
Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive
How to be Yourself
How To Deal With Your Enemies
How To Ignore Haters
How to Recognize a Toxic Friend
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Slut Shaming Explained
Tips for Healing a Broken Heart
What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?

Sex
50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women
Basics of Breath Play
D/s or Kinky Sex?
Fetishes Explained
How To Make A Girl Squirt
How To Tell Your Son About Sex
Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality
Sensual Biting
Sex: Myths & Stereotypes
Sex: Practical Details
Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control
So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women
Squirting Educational Video
Squirting Notes

Toys
Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs
BDSM on a budget
Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)

Training
10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs
30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten
40 Very Important DD/lg Facts
Age Play: A Short Guide
BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play
DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
Etiquette in BDSM Part 1
Etiquette in BDSM Part 2
Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings
Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind
Glossary of BDSM Terms
Guide To Blood Play
Guide To Bruising
Guide To Talking Dirty
Guide To Wax Play
How Do I Get Started In BDSM?
How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest
How To Make A Comfort Box
Introduction To BDSM
Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting
Punishments in BDSM Relationships
Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships
Some Thoughts On Rules
The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility
The Need For Rules and Discipline
Topping from the bottom

Self-Care Masterpost

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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lah-disputes:

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you!

Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe.

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Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts.

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-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like.

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

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Sleep issues;

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood.

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively.

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Uncomfortable with silence;

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic.

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

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Anxiety;

-How to stop worrying.

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques.

-Self-help strategies for anxiety.

-Helping a friend with anxiety.

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety.

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Sad, angry and depressed/depression;

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management.

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

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Isolation and loneliness;

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness.

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness.

-How to deal with loneliness.

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Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.

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Addiction;

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

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Eating disorders;

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments.

-Support services for eating disorders.

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery.

-Recovering from an eating disorder.

-100+ reasons to recover.

-Understanding and managing eating disorders.

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Dealing with self-hatred;

-3 ways to ease self-loathing.

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate.

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Suicidal;

-International suicide hotlines (1)(2)

-Preventing suicide.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.

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Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.

-Delusions and hallucinations.

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OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home.

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD.

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments.

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Borderline personality disorder;

-Helping someone with BPD.

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

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Abuse;

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships.

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse.

-Hotlines services.

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship.

-Domestic violence support.

-Signs of an abusive relationship.

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship.

-Surviving abuse.

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed.

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused.

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Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you.

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Loss and grief;

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger.

-Common reactions to death.

-Working through grief.

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(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family.

-Coping with a breakup.

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Getting help;

-Seeking help early.

-All about psychological treatments.

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality.

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Things you need to remember;

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not.

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this.

-You are not alone.

-You are enough.

-You are important.

-You are worth it.

-You are strong.

-You are not a failure,

-Good people exist.

-Reaching out shows strength.

-Breathe.

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you.

-Give yourself credit.

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones.

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend.

-Focus on the things you can change.

-Let go of toxic people.

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do.

-Try not to beat yourself up.

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next.

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance.

-You are smart.

-You are loved.

-You are wanted.

-You are needed.

-Better days are coming.

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright.

-You have more potential than you think.

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

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Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

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dirtydaddythings:

Never forget: Above and beyond everything you see and read here, you are loved. There is no caveat there. You are, and I mean that. There is not now, nor has there EVER been someone who isn’t or who was unlovable. Even the most evil figures in history had someone who loved them, how could it be any less true of you?

Your time is precious, not only to yourself but to those who care for you. There won’t always be someone to lean on the moment you need them so it’s up to you to make it until then. That means reaching out, learning to cope (even if for a little while) and remembering what I said: You’re loved. You can do it, I know you can. Make me proud.

The Glass Orb

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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masterdomonic:

Control

n. 1) power to direct or regulate. 2) The condition of being restrained, checked, or controlledvb. to exercise restraining or directing influence over

The following is a random thought I had once while discussing the Dom/sub dynamic with a sub several months ago. It has of course been more thought out since the discussion, and been added to, elaborated upon, etc. but it is something I have come to regard as important.

I always use this example with “newbies” and first-timers, but it is something I discuss with experienced subs as well.

Everyone has a certain amount of control in/over their own lives. Some more than others of course, but we all have a little.

Imagine your control as a Glass Orb. A ball of thin glass, a smooth sphere, crystalline, shining with reflected light. A fragile thing of beauty you cherish.

What does it take to be able to hand your Glass Orb to some one else?

If they are not careful, they may get something on it that dulls it’s shine. The glass becomes foggy, no longer a glorious Orb that catches the light, but some dull thing that sits like any other round smooth rock.

What if they mar the surface? There will forever be a chip in it. No longer is it beautiful and perfect, it would be flawed, and forever be turned to hide the imperfection, no longer admirable from every angle.

If they are flippant about it, bouncing it back and forth, rolling it around with no regard for the precious treasure they hold, perhaps it cracks? Worse than a chip. A crack, you cannot hide. Everyone can see the flaw, no matter how it is turned.

But what if, what if they don't CARE!?
What if they drop it, and it shatters?

Ah, there is the biggest fear.
The broken Orb.

You can never simply repair it. your control, shattered, destroyed. How do you recover from that!?

What does it take to hand over that Orb?

Trust.

“Do you trust Me to hold your Glass Orb? Can you willingly hand it to Me, trustingMe to care for it as my own?”

As a Dom, what does it mean to be handed this sphere of brilliant glass?

It means he trusts you

It means that he is willing to set aside his own desires for yours

It means that he is giving You an opportunity to prove that You are worthy of him

It means that you have earned his sacred gift, even if only for a short time

This is a gift that must be returned at the end of a session.
Some Doms try to keep the Orb, “I’ll just set it over here until you come back”.

This is rarely (if ever) a wise idea.

Taking the Orb from a sub is theft.
Removing the Orb from his possession is theft.Keeping the Orb without his consent is THEFT!

It is given into Your hands to care for while it is Yours, with the knowledge that it is to be returned.
It is a temporary giftIt is NOT Yours to keep

Of course, there are caveats to these rules such as “consensual non-consent” scenarios
But in the general scheme of things, the rules stand.

One of the biggest warnings I give any submissive is this:

“If you start to panic, I am right here, and will do my best to help you calm down. But I will not let you out until you have calmed down.”

I am often told that this is fine, but they are nervous and want to know why.

Again, this comes down to trust.

During the session, I am holding on to the Orb he gave Me. This gift of his control which he placed in My hands, willingly giving Me full control of him.

If he suddenly “steps out” of sub-space, he thinks “what am I doing!?” he cannot get out, he cannot get free. This can be terrifying!

The natural reaction is to try to take back control, to strive and struggle to take back that Orb. To hold it, and think “I’m ok”

However, quite the opposite happens.
If he suddenly tries to take back control, he is bound, he is helpless. The struggle for control only takes the Orb out of My hands, and we all know panic is the opposite of control.

Who has the control now?

No one does.

He has knocked the Orb from My hands and sent it rolling across the room. He cannot pick it up, he’s bound! I cannot pick it up, it is not mine to hold without his permission, and he’ll only knock it out of My hands again.

It is now up to Me to help him calm down. To show him that though bound and helpless, he is safe. To prove Myself in earning his trust by walking him through his fear.

Once he calms down, he realizes he is safe, that I am here for him as much as he is here for Me. He can then grant permission for Me to pick up his Orb again, to hold it and treasure it as I should.
In his eyes, I have earned that right.

When the session is over, and he is released however, I will hand the Orb back.
He takes it home with him.

I am left knowing I had the honor of holding his Orb for a little while. Perhaps he will allow Me to hold it again.

As a Dom/Master, I admire other Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses who have earned the privilege of holding their sub’s Glass Orb permanently.

They proudly display it on the mantle of their home, as they should.

I enjoy seeing those Orbs there, knowing they were freely given, unmarred, uncracked, unbroken. Pristine and shining! Trust earned, submission given.

Doms - NEVER take for granted the gift of the Glass Orb.
It is not a toy, it is a treasure.Know that it must be a gift, freely given, to truly mean something.

subs, never give your orb to someone you don’t think will care for it. you have only one to give.
It may get marred, yes, cracked, tarnished. Those things happen. Mistakes. Sometimes yours, sometimes theirs.But the right Dom will help you polish it until it shines. the nicks and scratches will fade and heal, and you will find your true place.

Is this easy?
Is it simple?

Like anything worth having… NO!!

But subs, take the chance!
Doms, prove yourselves!

And soon, you can enjoy that orb on the mantle together.

There is no greater joy for a Master and slave.

~Master Domonic

I’m No Masochist. I’ve Never Been A Pain Slut.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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memoryanddesire-stirring:

I’m no masochist. I’ve never been a pain slut. I cry when I stub my toe and go to great lengths to avoid anything with even the slightest possibility of pain. My take on paper cuts? A justifiable cause to avoid envelopes. Bang my head on a closet shelf? Cause for medical care and probably an MRI. Clover clamps? Should have been named nipple tourniquets from hell. I know how to take care of myself: avoid anything that hurts.

I know I’m supposed to like it—how does one belong in a BDSM lifestyle without liking pain? I’ll admit I love being bound, immobile, and used. I even like floggings and spankings and the like…to a point. But pain? Real pain? It does nothing for me. I don’t become instantly aroused with labia clips and nipple clamps. Or do I? Is it possible to be sure? 

Because I know, when I attempt those things, I wince, I curse, everything in my brain tells me to avoid it;, but there’s something else that I don’t quite understand: I keep doing it—and at the end of the day, I find myself smiling about it. Glad that I was able to withstand it…for Him. For only Him. 

At the end of the day, when He debases me, I learn my value; when He humiliates me, I learn humility; when He inflicts pain, I learn my strength. I learn that I am strongest when I show Him my weakness…The more I endure for Him, the more I want to give. I give Him this, because He has earned my utmost trust and devotion. 

He shows me patience and kindness, the need for discipline and allowance, and when each is appropriate. He teaches me the necessity for all those things, for myself as much as for others. He is the only person strong enough to help me learn those lessons, to free me from those fears that keep me bound in my own head.

I don’t want to hurt, to feel pain, to throb for hours on end waiting for relief, but I do. It isn’t the pain. Rather, it is because knowing that I withstand it for Him makes me proud, makes me feel stronger for having surrendered to it. 

Because making Him happy gives me a joy I’ve never felt before that goes far beyond any sexual pleasure. Because serving Him makes me better at…well…just being me. It grounds me and gives me focus. It reminds me who I am. Because hearing that He enjoys any task I’ve done solely for His pleasure gives me purpose.

It is not as simple as someone telling me to do something and doing it. It is sublimely different. It is giving in its purest form. It’s wanting to give over everything that I am to the Man who has earned it, whose will I long to follow, the Man for whom I am willing to face my deepest fears and accept intense moments of pain despite my own voices telling me to hide. 

Because that is the way to break down the barriers I’ve spent a lifetime building—to give Him that opening, that exposure, a blossoming of sorts, that no one has ever seen, that no one else has ever drawn from me. Only Him. Only He shows me who I need to be for myself. And in doing so, I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel loved.

I want Him to have it all: my fear, my tears, my anger, my passion…even my pain, and all my pleasure. I want Him to feel every thought, every need, every sense I have, because they belong to Him. To give Him all this, all that I am, all that I hope to be, I am willing to surrender to the fear, to the things I’ve avoided, to a will bigger than my own. 

I surrender to Him knowing that for all His savagery, there is tenderness. For all I endure, all the devotion I offer Him in my suffering, I receive His admiration and care back tenfold. I surrender because in everything I do, I am His: His servant, His slave, His lover, His ward. And He is my Dominant, my Master, my beloved Sir.

So, no, I’m no masochist. I’m something far better: I am His.

Subs Are Not Some Objects An Alpha (Ab)uses And Tosses Away.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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slovenealpha:

Subs are not some objects an Alpha (ab)uses and tosses away. Subs are human beings with whom you reach happiness together. They are (your) subs, because they wanted to submit to you, they desire your domination. They are gifts, but give themselves to you. They are beautiful and should always be treated with respect and humane dignity. You may set them rules and order them, but you must neveroverstep their limits, make them feel intense distress or blackmail them (to name a few).

They are treasures and a real Alpha will protect them and care for them. Think of it as a really expensive smartphone: you will use it for pleasure, but won’t go cracking its screen and tossing it away. That goes way deeper for subs, since their human. If a sub doesn’t want intense ball busting, you won’t go making him punch his balls blue on your first session. You will start out with something small then slowly introduce them to ball pain, but if they reject something with great reassurance don’t force yourself. And outside of sex, you shouldn’t be cold towards them and make them feel unwanted and unloved.

You are their Sir because they know you won’t mistreat them.

Take The Time To Learn Yourself Before You Allow Others To Control You.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

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ultracollared:

To my fellow subs, pups, and slaves, gimps, furries, kinksters, and littles; to any identity you claim or feel or discover:

You may not need to hear these words, but there are far too many out there who run headlong into this world without any understanding. I may be reiterating things that have been said a thousand times in more coherent and eloquent ways. But too often I see or console or offer advice to those who have learned these lessons through experiences that I don’t want to imagine.

This isn’t exhaustive, and you may not agree with every one of them. These ideas do not come from a place of selfishness. They apply whether or not you identify as submissive, Dominant, or anywhere in between. It is not meant to inspire fear or cynicism. It is not meant to create self-doubt or generalize “Dominance” as heartless and uneducated. These ideas come from a place of self-love and self respect. If you have a problem with that, you have no place in my world.

If you can take one thing from it, whether validation of your own knowledge, or a deeper understanding of yourself, please know that you don’t have to face any of it alone.

In this, the “Dominant” is in general reference of any identity therein (whether Sir, Master, Handler, etc.)

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Take the time to learn yourself before you allow others to control you.

Whether you’re just discovering your submissive identity, or you’re a pro, you can always benefit from introspection. Your relationship with a Dominant is only made stronger with a better understanding of yourself and your needs.

No one is ever entitled to your submission.

I’ll say that again: NO ONE IS EVER ENTITLED TO YOUR SUBMISSION. Anyone who approaches you with the idea that they deserve you without so much as a conversation should be avoided. It is in your best interest to protect yourself, regardless of how exciting and enticing it may be to have someone assert such control.

Seek your community.

Whether its a local one, or something you find online, seek out a community of like minded people. Not only will this give you an opportunity to meet and befriend others who understand you, it is also for your protection. Your community is your safe place. We take care of our own.

Make friends with other submissives.

We understand each other better than most. You know things I don’t. Seek advice and care from others without an ulterior motive. I may not be able to tell you what to do, but I can always try to help.Communication is everything.

Seek a method of feedback that your Dominant can respect, whether positive or constructive. Anyone who assumes they know everything or can do no wrong is too insecure to admit their own flaws. Safe words are great, but that will only get you so far. You know what enhances or pulls you out of your headspace. Tell them.

Consideration periods are not simply to determine “whether you’re good enough” or “whether you deserve” something.

They are an opportunity for you to examine your own compatibility and headspace prior to engaging in commitment. They are one of the best tools you have to truly put yourself into a healthy and engaging environment. If it doesn’t work, speak up.You always have the right to leave.
Pretty damn self explanatory.

Make sure you understand YOUR limits.

To push through them is one thing, but you need to understand that too far can be too far. Learn how to say no in a way that enhances your relationship and mutual understanding. And if that isn’t respected? You always have the right to leave.

You deserve respect, too.

It may be shown in different ways. You may like to be called horrible names and treated like dirt. But unless you’ve gotten to the point where you feel safe in that space, don’t let someone walk all over you, regardless of their assumed Dominance.

Take. Your. Time.

Especially for those newer to discovering their submissive headspace, every person who validates that headspace will seem good to you. Just because someone offers you a collar does not mean you take it. Be careful. Ownership is first and foremost about trust. I understand the need; its an innate desire to give up control to the first person who tries to take it from you. But submission is not taken, it is earned. Give yourself the time and make sure their investment in you is equal to your investment in them.

If you need a break, take one.

Sometimes you just need to give yourself an opportunity to refocus. Take a step back from all of it and breathe without fear of control or retribution. Have the self awareness to know when you need it.Explore what you feel.

Don’t let yourself be defined by an expectation or ideal. If you don’t feel completely submissive, or completely Dominant, that’s okay. Give yourself the opportunity to explore those feelings. It may change on any given day or hour or minute. Surround yourself with those who will allow you to grow.

Headspace isn’t about losing yourself.

It’s a place that’s meant to allow you to let go. Sometimes it’s hard to find, and that’s okay. Don’t force it. Your headspace should be as unique as you. Allow the pieces of you that you love to shine through it.Not all headspace is sexual.

Never feel like where you go in that place must be accompanied with BDSM. If your headspace needs to be a safe place for you, let it. Many use it as a coping mechanism for anxiety and depression and these triggers can not only be upsetting but dangerous. Never, ever assume anything without knowing someone. Care before control.

Look out for each other.

Know the signs of someone who needs help. They may not ask for it, but make sure those around you know that you’re looking out for them. There can be a very fine line between BDSM and abusive relationships. You may not be able to fix it, but the love you show someone may have a bigger impact than you think.

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If you have more to contribute, please do. I don’t expect this to be exhaustive, I want to give people an opportunity to think and respond and create healthy dialogue around a part of “us” that is too often silenced by passivity.

Please, please share this with everyone you can.

Subdrop And Aftercare

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desires-of-a-dominant-man:

I thought I would write a little and provide some useful information about subdrop and aftercare, since I have just had to help a close friend deal with her first experience of subdrop and although she knew what it was, she did not realise that is what she was going through and did not know how to deal with it.

What Is Subdrop?

Subdrop is the emotional and physical symptoms felt by a submissive that is caused by tiring out the body and the release of adrenalin, endorphins, hormones and other chemicals that create a natural high during a scene, leading to a subsequent ‘come down’ afterwards, similar to the effects of illicit drugs. It can leave a sub feeling exhausted, depressed, sad and very emotional. This can include feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and other negative thoughts, but you should realise that this is simply your body’s natural response to a very intense experience, it is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and you are not to blame.

Subs will often experience subdrop in different ways, some may feel the effects of it more intensely than others and it can last for varying periods of time, anywhere from an hour up to a few weeks afterwards, but it is only temporary and will eventually pass. It is important that you learn to recognise subdrop, because once you understand that you are feeling the effects of it, you can begin to address it and simply knowing why you are feeling that way will also help, especially when it comes to your emotions and feelings. Try to communicate, interact and stay in contact with your Dom or others, who can help you cope with your emotions and how you are feeling, by offering you support and talking you through it. Following the other advice I have included below will also help you recover from the effects of subdrop.

For the all the Doms, Dommes, Masters and Mistresses out there, this is just as crucial for You, as it is for Your sub. Subdrop is very real and not some myth, so aftercare and helping Your sub deal with the effects of it should be just as important as what You might do during a scene, especially as You are essentially responsible for Your sub feeling the effects of it and caring for Your sub is part of the responsibility that comes with being a Dominant. Aftercare should not be neglected and staying in contact with Your sub, offering them reassurance, validation and support will help during this vulnerable time and they should not have to go through this alone. Although some subs do prefer time to themselves, You should at least offer and ask what You can do to help, as everyone is different and their needs will vary.

If You do neglect aftercare and ignore subdrop, then the effects can begin to outweigh the benefits and enjoyment that Your sub may feel during a scene with You, which can cause problems for Your relationship with them and even end it. It is also worth pointing out that Dominants and switches can also feel a form of ‘drop’ after a scene, which I won’t address, but You can read more about it in the links I have provided at the end of this article.

So What Is Aftercare?

Aftercare is the name given to the process of being there with a partner for a sufficient amount of time, so they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium and recover from the effects of a scene. It is equally important to recognise that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandoned or a loss far exceeding the pleasure they might have felt during the scene.

Aftercare can include practical things such as making sure a sub is physically taken care of, treating any injuries, keeping them warm, allowing them to rest and making sure they have enough to eat or drink. Aftercare should also include attending to the emotional needs of a sub by offering them support, reassurance and validation. This can include showing them affection by cuddling or holding them, even gentle and loving sex, as well as asking how they are feeling, talking through the scene with them and their experience, answering any questions they might have and giving them a lot of positive reinforcement, such as saying how proud You are of them. This can continue after you have parted ways and for several days afterwards, by staying in contact and checking on their recovery.

Although like subdrop, everyone has a different experience and needs when it comes to aftercare, some for instance may want to be left alone to process this on their own and there is no right or wrong way, it simply involves doing whatever is necessary to help them recover.

How To Cope With Subdrop

A few ways you can help your body recover and deal with the effects of subdrop include:
ACE which stands for aftercare, contact with your Dominant and expression of positive reinforcement by the Dominant.

Drink plenty of water or a sports drink like gatorade, which help replace fluids, salts and potassium in the body that you have lost during a scene.

Eat foods to replenish the nutrients in your body, while you might crave comfort foods and sugary treats, which will not only replace the sugar and energy you have lost, but obviously give you some sense of comfort, the effects will be only temporary and will only leave you craving more, which is not ideal. Instead try to eat whole grain bread, meat, cheese and vegetables, while avoiding any foods that are white in colour, although milk is also very helpful.

Take some vitamins, especially the B-complex group that include folic acid, vitamin B6 and B12.
Be active and interact with others, even if you do not feel like doing so, as subdrop often leaves a sub feeling ashamed, depressed, isolated, confused and alone, so being by yourself and trying to cope on your own will only make those feelings worse. Even spending time with your pet can be helpful. Most importantly stay in contact with your Dominant and try to talk to them about how you are feeling, so They can help you cope.

Exercise will help release more endorphins, lessening the effects of subdrop, which is partly caused by the release of endorphins during a scene and the subsequent ‘come down’ that occurs afterwards.
Try keeping yourself occupied, with a hobby or other activity which will allow you to clear your head or express your feelings.

Aroma therapy, warm baths, meditation and listening to soothing music is also helpful.

Try to stay warm.

Treat and care for any injuries you might have sustained during the scene, such as scratches, bites, welts or sore bottoms. I am not a doctor and I could not possibly hope to cover every potential scenario in this article, but generally applying basic first aid techniques and vitamin E cream will help your skin recover more quickly.

Rest and get plenty of sleep.

Try to get yourself ready before a scene, by getting plenty of sleep, trying to stay focused and preparing yourself for the experience.

I’m aware, too, that DOMs can experience similar feelings. Communication and being observant are key for both.

Self Respect And The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Damn

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somekinkyintrovert:

Too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too scrawny, too muscular, too femme, too masculine, too enthusiastic, too emotional….. you’re almost always going to be too something for somebody. Just live your life and be who makes you happy.

This message brought to you by self respect and the subtle art of not giving a damn.

What Is Slavery, And What Is It Not…

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sirmastermark:

slavery is NOT about suffering . . 
. .

slavery is about service.


slavery is NOT about humiliation . . 
. .

slavery is about humility.


slavery is NOT about pain . . 
. .

slavery is about being present.


slavery is NOT about being used . . 
. .

slavery is about being of use. 


slavery is NOT about control . . 
. .

slavery is about letting go. 


slavery is NOT about what is done to you . . 
. .

slavery is about what you do for others. 


slavery is NOT about abuse . . 
. .

slavery is about acceptance. 


slavery is NOT about proving anything . . 
. .

slavery is about being real. 


slavery is NOT about contempt . . 
. .

slavery is about respect.


slavery is NOT about how you look . . 
. .

slavery is about how much you care. 


slavery is NOT about denying yourself . . 
. .

slavery is about being open.

slavery is NOT about bondage . . 
. .

slavery is about freeing your spirit. 


slavery is NOT about punishment . . 
. .

slavery is about discipline.


slavery is NOT about being unable to escape . . 
. .

slavery is about being committed. 


slavery is NOT about submission . . 
. .

slavery is about obedience.


slavery is NOT about fear . . 
. .

slavery is about trust. 


slavery is NOT about sex . . 
. .

slavery is about love.


slavery is NOT about pleasure . . 
. .

slavery is about happiness

☛ THESE ARE WORDS OF WISDOM. (listen to them)

And once you remove your internet porn inspired fantasies and expectations, you can embrace & live a meaningful and rewarding submissive LIFE. 👉🏿❤️🔐 


Demanding Self-Proclaimers

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this sub handled this with maturity, emotional intelligence, and self-respect. he clearly understands the difference between fantasy and reality.

subs: however you choose to identify, remember that submission is part of your power. care for it with pride; it is yours to give and yours to take away. give it when someone has inspired it, earned it, and has shown they care about your development.

there are many demanding self-proclaimers out there selling fantasy as reality. don’t buy it.

kinkythingsilike:

Wow. This is a sub any decent dom would be proud to call his. He managed to be respectful when it wasn’t deserved, stand up for himself, and know his own worth. Kudos to him.

A power exchange relationship, be it Master/slave, Daddy/boy, etc, is a symbiotic partnership. As a dom, you can only take what the sub is willing to give. It’s your job to make him trust you enough to give more and more of himself to you. I haven’t always been the best at that, but I’ve learned over the years that it’s the fundamental truth behind any kind of power exchange, whether it’s for a scene or for a live-in 24/7 relationship.

I’d count myself incredibly lucky to have a boy like the sub in these messages. It’s a shame the dom was too stupid to know what he was talking to.

Alexander Martin:

I only became aware of this when my own boy started hopping onto Scruff to look for others to play with. I was surprised how often they popped out of the woodwork. Fortunately, my boy knows how to use his block button when it’s warranted.

Know your worth boys, don’t go for guys like this. And other Sirs? I’m watching. You can and should do better than this. Our power as Sirs comes in enticing a submissive to submit. Anything else is illegal.

Fantasy vs. Reality

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Anonymous asked : I love your blog but I especially advocate treating your subs right. A lot of D/s blogs on tumblr are too heavy on the fantasy and its sad to see people think that's how it should be.

Unknown author:

I couldn’t agree more. Boys and subs should be cared for and cherished. There is a person inside that submissive, who has real feelings and value. They have their good days and their bad days. Their own hopes and dreams. If you nurture them, be there for them, teach them right, and give them time, they will blossom into the most wonderful submissive who will do anything for you.

One of the lessons I try to teach boys is, being a lifestyle boy is nothing like any fantasy you have imagined or porn you have watched. Being in a real dom/sub relationship is so much better!

Best Way To Negotiate Limits?

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What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head…

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing to do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used. 

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with. 

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.

So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion. 

I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission. 

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation. 

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated. 

 a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy. 

Limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

There is No Shame in Using a Safeword

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Castrokinky:

I typically don’t need safe words with my boys as I’m very good at reading their contractions from things and adjusting. I check in a lot as well. But I usually have one established just in case.

My hard stop safe word was used for the third time in my life last week. I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to discuss how I reacted as an illustration for others.

In this situation, the boy was tied in a fairly stressful position. We’d been playing for a while and when I decided to fuck him, I went in too forcefully and it hurt him in a not-good way. He screamed and used our safe word.

I immediately pulled out carefully, telling him calmly it was ok and that I was right there with him. I continued talking to him as I untied him, starting with the most stressful ties first. Once he was untied, I pulled him to me and held him, reassuring him it was ok and that I was proud of him. I also thanked him for using the safe word when things didn’t work. It builds trust when I know a boy isn’t afraid to stop a scene if he needs to. After some time, he asked me to continue in a different position, which we did.

I often hear stories from boys who are abandoned or called names by a dom when they use their safe word. I hear from other boys they’re too afraid to use their safe word. My message: Don’t be. By all means, push yourself past what you thought you were capable of but if something really isn’t working, tell your dom or use that safe word. A good dom will thank you for it.

kinkythingsilike:

This is how it’s done. When a boy uses his safeword, he’s trusting you to take care of him. It’s the obligation a dom takes on when a boy gives himself for the dom’s pleasure and use. As I tell boys who are new to BDSM play, there has to be mutual trust for a safeword to work: They have to trust me to respect it, and I have to trust them to use it when they need to. I’d a million times rather cut a scene short than have it go too far.

Not to contradict @castrokinky, who is amazing at what he does, but I try to avoid telling the boy that “it’s okay.” Because for him, in that moment, it’s *not* okay. It’s very much not okay. It’s a small distinction, but I try to tell him it will be okay and that I’m right there for him. When playing with sensory deprivation, the blindfold/gag/earplugs/etc. are always the first things to come off, even before the bondage. I make sure he can feel my body and my presence until I can get them off, by placing a hand on him or by holding him to me while I remove them. I try to use quick release snaps (can be gotten from a tack shop) for any kind of weight-bearing bondage, so that it’s easy to get him out in a hurry.

I cannot fathom how any dom could be so callous as to “punish” a boy for using his safeword. Someone literally trusting you with their life in order for you to use them for your own pleasure is one of the most precious gifts that’s out there. Respect it.

Alexander Martin:

For anyone reading this who might not understand the value of safewords and feel shame in using them? This is exactly why i feel there is NO shame in safe wording.