Polyamory, From the Inside

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

You are dominant, and have a submissive partner. Is it an open relationship for one or both of you? Do you also seek out other submissives? If so, do you bring them home? And if yes to that as well, does your partner join in or witness? If either of those is the case, how do you address jealousy or insecurity issues? Are there benefits from non-exclusivity for either or both partners?

thegayboybible:

Thank you for the questions!

Question: Is it an open relationship for one or both of you?

Answer: Our relationship started our open only for me, but I encouraged him around the 1-year mark to go out and try to enjoy meeting and hooking up with men and we’ve been equally open ever since.

Commentary: Bredbeta has full autonomy in seeking other partners sexually and spending time with them as he wishes doing sexually as he wishes. The limitation is on seeking another romantic partner. I have no interest in being poly. It’s just not for me and as a result bredbeta has agreed to this restriction.

Question: Do you also seek out other submissives? If so, do you bring them home? And if yes to that as well, does your partner join in or witness?

Answer: I seek out other submissives for sex, companionship, and friendship. I would very, very much like to be the patriarch of a small leather family centered around myself wherein there may be at most three submissives who get along. I do bring submissives home to play. There are some rare times when Bredbeta joins me in play but since we like the opposite kinds of men and us being both firmly planted in our opposite ends of the power exchange spectrum, there are not many times where playing together makes sense. As for witnessing? He tried it just once and felt that if he wasn’t joining in he’d rather do something else.

Commentary: When I mention a leather family, I do not mean it in the sense of polyamory. I mean that I would have Bredbeta as my loyal lover and husband and that the other boys would be boys that I felt a close kinship with and shared a sexual connection too. Ideally, I’d like for us to all co-habitate both for the intimacy that provides and for the economic advantages in a very expensive city. Although ultimately, those boys would be free to leave should they need a Sir all to themselves or one they could share a love with.

Question: If either of those is the case, how do you address jealousy or insecurity issues?

Answer: I work hard on my jealousy to think about it and understand it so I can disarm it. Bredbeta is a logical person and reports that he does not feel jealousy as it regards to me.

Commentary: I deal with my jealousy when I’m experiencing because as hard as it is to cope with the emotion, it is also the best time to take stock of my feelings. I have written out trains of thought and color coded them afterwards based on the emotion the represent to try and get a handle on my jealousy. I’ve made improvements but I don’t have it under control yet. I can tolerate the jealousy and it’s not unbearable any more. It’s possible to do something else despite feeling jealous. For a while, I was bringing the need for reassurance to Bredbeta, but it’s become clear that is a burden upon him. So, at this point I’m largely asking for support from friends when I need it.

Question: Are there benefits from non-exclusivity for either or both partners?

Answer: We benefit from increased free time, variety in our weekly lives, more friendships, and new sex techniques we learn from other partners.

Commentary: We don’t have to depend on each other to satisfy our entire need for entertainment or conversation. It can be actually kind of nice if bb goes off for a brunch and I can stay home and play a game by myself when we might otherwise do something together. Conversely, bb feels MUCH less alone as he has more friends now than he has at any point in his life and many of them are exclusive to him. So, he can spend some time apart and when he does? He always comes home with fun stories from his time away and it’s something more to talk about and experience. I also really can’t say that it hurts that I get to be free to fuck whomever I like. That’s one of my favorite parts of being gay and I want to enjoy my youth as much as possible. I personally prefer to have the deepest relations with someone possible and sex adds to that sense of closeness and intimacy for me.

Resolving Jealousy & Polyamory

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Anonymous asked : Sub here in a long-distance, open (w/ restrictions), poly relationship. Struggling with jealousy and insecurity with one of my boyfriends. He visited me from out-of-state for my birthday Aug, and at the party he met one of my non-platonic friends. We all got really drunk and they ended up having sex in my bed. I was really upset, cus we agreed to be exclusive when together, it was my bed, my birthday, and I didn't consent to that. He apologized. Ever since I've felt very insecure. What to do?

Alexander Martin:

Hi there sub! I do see the tricky spot you’re in. Let’s try to break this down a little.

Let’s start off by saying that you have EVERY right to be upset. Being drunk is not a pass on accepting responsibility for your actions. They do still have to deal with the fallout. Every single point you made about why it upsets you is right.

Before I go into where I think would be most productive for you to do some loving self-examination… Do… you want to stay with your boyfriend? What about your non-platonic friend? Do you want that friend in your life? You never said and… you’re not obligated to keep them if it’s just too hard to trust that person again. I think that’s really the VERY first square. To keep them or not. No matter what the answer is? The next part is pretty vital.

Here’s where I waver a bit, because I’m not sure how to say this without coming across like Dr. Phil, but when it comes to insecurity and jealousy? Those emotions come from within us. I, in NO WAY, mean this to blame you or say that you’re bad or wrong for feeling that way. What I mean to say is that if you’re feeling insecure or jealous because someone else acts, they may have triggered the feeling but it came from your mind, your thoughts, your issues.

It matters where these insecurities and these jealousies come from because they can’t be resolved by controlling the behaviors of others. They can only be resolved by learning what issues you have and addressing them with understanding and recognition of them for what they are. This is not an easy process because our conscious minds very much do not want to confront or think about issues that lie under the surface.

Part of what is so insidious about insecurities is that they often have this kernel of truth that to a rational mind obscures the falsehood. I’ll use one of my own for example. I have an insecurity that in being out and about, my husband to be (bredbeta) will find someone who is more skilled at BDSM and is also a better match for him. On the surface, one can acknowledge no matter how good you are at something there is always someone who can be BETTER at it than you are eventually. But here’s where the insecurity is false. I’ve been practicing BDSM for 10 years. I have been capped by my beloved mentor Papa Tony in San Diego.

I have many boys in my area that are interested in my skills and play. All of that is before I consider all my husband to be and I have been through together, the myriad of points we have in common, how very much he looks up to, loves, and respects me. I sell myself short with this insecurity. I don’t even consider myself in the imaginary scales in my mind where my boy would consider the first guy that comes along and is a slight upgrade to be worth my abandonment. That’s why I had to confront this insecurity. By deconstructing it rationally, I haven’t SOLVED the problem, but I know what line of thinking counters it. And that’s what you’ll need to do and I highly recommend it.

Working on yourself with insecurities and jealousies has two big benefits. The most immediate one is there is a special feeling you get when you actually RESOLVE an issue within yourself. It’s like a knot that you’ve been clenching for years suddenly undoes itself and its relief you can feel. It makes you lighter and breathe easier. The second benefit, is that as a poly person, imagine the benefit to being able to sort of live the poly “ideal” as it were. As many lovers as are fun and enjoyable for you to have are there at your fingertips and you can simply relax and take life as it comes. There is less tension or concern that if you’re upset you will have to confront it. Recurring issues like selling myself short above are FAR less painful. The difference feels like a bee sting before, compared to a mosquito bite now. Irritating, but ignorable.

I would also like to say that my dominance is actually a great boon in this situation! My dom space actually does not have insecurities. That headspace is a powerful way to get a break from something that’s a bother to me. Obviously dom space and sub space are different, but I think there may be some similarity that you might find helpful. In subspace I think that you may have the experience as it’s so often described as perhaps… narrowed perspective. You can’t think about the future, or the past, or plan, your mind is set firmly in the present. It’s fixated on the experience of the here and now. Some submissives find this subspace cathartic, they can release those negative emotions through intensity and a feeling of atonement through service. Unfortunately, I cannot guide you more thoroughly through that method as I am not privy to the details on how one accomplishes it, simply that “atonement” is the general principle. Ask fellow subs for insight! I’m sure some of them would help.

There’s one last thing that you can do and probably already are. Lean on friends and your lover (if he’s still your lover for a bit). Vent some of your insecurities for a little bit. Ask friends and your lover how they see you as a person. I’ve found that to be a really wonderful ego boost to help me salve hurting insecurities. It won’t solve the problem, but there’s nothing wrong with shoring yourself up in the meantime.

I very sincerely wish you the best of luck with this situation. As a final parting thought, I honestly believe the Ethical Slut. Is a must read. As a poly person, you’re almost certainly aware of it, but perhaps other readers are not. It has a chapter in it on jealousy.

hadriantemple:

This is great advice! The one thing I’d add is to have more conversations with your bf/dom (you said you’re a sub, some in guessing your bf is also a dom). He’s apologized and presumably you’ve accepted that apology. But it sounds like you haven’t discussed how that incident has affected your dynamic. Bdsm requires trust, and this dom has harmed your trust in him. That’s not something that just goes away with an apology.

You two need to discuss how to rebuild the trust. Talk to him about things he can do that would help reassure you and enable you to trust him more. He broke your trust, so if you two want to get back to your dynamic, he has to do some work to show you he’s trustworthy and that something like this won’t happen again.

Getting Into The Game

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Good evening, Sir, nice to meet You. I’m a Brazilian virgin gay boy and i think i might me a sub, but i’m not sure of that. I crave a lot for submission and i even have created my blog as a escape for my fantasies. But aside from those fantasies, i don’t really know who i am. Sometimes i have a urge to submit and i really dream of being with a Man who takes control, but at the same time, even if this is a fantasy in bed, i don’t wanna be considered inferior or an object, or be under control 24/7. In my mind, i just want a boyfriend who takes control, who’s a Dom, but at the same time would be my vanilla boyfriend. I mean, i like vanilla stuff too. I want a traditional relationship with someone, Sir, like being boyfriends, and getting married in a non-open relationship -pretty vanila-, those kind of things. But at the same time, i want Him to put me on a collar and “force me” to kiss His boots… I’m really confused about myself and all those things, Sir. I don’t think i ever will find a Man who’s gonna love me as partner and sub and, even though, how i will enter in a relationship if i’m not even certain of myself? Can You please share some wisdom with me, Sir?

Papa Tony:

Thanks for sharing, young brother. First, full disclosure… Like all of us, I also grew up in a cultural environment that stresses monogamy above all. It’s a lovely ideal. It’s superb to focus upon one man, and dive deep into uninterrupted mutual exploration, for years at a time. It is our birthright to have HONEYMOON in our lives. And, honeymoon ends at some point. We have to be real about our needs, even when it’s no longer magical.

In my direct observation over the last four decades, having a MONOGAMY ABOVE ALL goal is why so many gay relationships fall apart after they have lasted around six months to two and a half years. Think about it: You have never explored just how attractive, fun and playmate-thrilling you are, yet. It’s called “slutting around.” and I think that it is healthy to be open to new possibilities while you are young.

Then, like so many males, I predict that you will eventually shift from “Quantity” over to “Quality.” Then, you won’t have to spend so much time wondering about how you show up as a sub in the world. You’ll have gathered proof along the way that you are attractive and valuable. You will know your strengths and weaknesses.

It’s your birthright to go slightly nuts for a while, gathering sexual, kink and relationship experience.

The problem with emulating heterosexual mating rituals is, they are no guarantee of success, even for straight folks. I have been to $50,000 weddings that were done and over with, after two years or less. Men are wired to spread it around. Two men? Twice as likely.

What if you get “tempted” to “BETRAY” somebody else (warning: that was a typical negative and loaded term), because you never found out how well you would have done if you had gone a different path? I am saying these things because I want folks like you to hit the ground running, and not hit any trees.

That’s a lot of pressure. That’s why I incessantly recommend this book. It’s a big splash of reality, and a glorious hope for long-term, realistic male-male relationships.




My advice to you is to start actively seeking playmates, and soon. Find out WHO you are, on multiple levels, before you start locking yourself into a box marked “Exclusive Matrimony.” Right now, all that you have is theories, and they are tying you up in knots. You are young, and you have many adventures ahead of you. Go play!




If you don’t do it now, then you’re going to hit the wall called “Mid-Life Crisis” at around age forty and do it THEN. Every man goes through this natural passage. Some early, some late. I will write about the topic at length, sometime soon.




I haven’t been single since I was fourteen. Women in the early days, and then exclusively men. If I hadn’t learned from the early, less-than-optimal relationships, I wouldn’t have been ready when the Real Thing showed up 28 years ago.

Adding to the Leather Family

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

I seem to remember seeing a post of yours discussing taking on a second slave, and the first one initially being jealous.

I find myself in a somewhat analogous situation... my SIR has taken on a sub who is himself a Top, so he is both sub and mentee to my SIR. I've never been under the illusion that I am SIR's only boy - I wouldn't want to be.

Oddly, though, I find myself feeling a bit insecure with the new situation. Perhaps it's because I am expected to submit to SIR's new boy when we all play together... I did not really bargain for that as such, though there's no consent violation, either.

And I *like* SIR's new boy. He's a sexy man who - aside from a few of the arrogance issues endemic to 30-somethings - also seems to be an overall decent fellow. I figure time and life experience will work changes on him :-)
It's odd for me, a 56yo man, to feel this way, especially as I have no claim at all. SIR has not given any indication he is going to dismiss me, so rationally, I should have no concerns. How did your first slave get over his unease? Just time and exposure?
This also gives me real cause to carefully consider the feelings of my own boys: two plus a prospective. I see no signs of insecurity or jealousy, but perhaps I am oblivious. I have been watching carefully, though.
I feel like such an adolescent over this, but my feelings around my SIR are intense. I figure since it bothered me more than momentarily, it was worth thinking on. Polyamory + D/s is fairly new territory for me. :-)
If you have any thoughts on this you'd care to share, I'd love to hear them.

Papa Tony:

Thanks for reaching out, good man.

The culture around us does NOT support any part of polyamory. So, each time that a Thruple, a Leather Family or any other form of a multi-way, multi-person dynamic springs up, we are mostly on our own. We usually have to figure it out, day by day. I’m glad to help out.

There are really good books on the topic that might help. If I were you, I would start with The Ethical Slut, and enjoy a nice, cleansing romp through Sex at Dawn. No need to go any farther than that. It’s best if EVERYBODY in the family reads these fine books. Then, honest discussions should follow, so that misunderstandings and hurt feelings are minimized. Knowledge is power.

When my husband of 29 years and I started dating, I insisted that he take the Landmark Forum Introductory Weekend. I wanted him to be on an equal level with me. I knew that I could easily run rings around him if I misused the tools that I had learned, and jerk his chain, and I did NOT want that kind of relationship. I wanted him to be able to call me upon my bullshit. I have never had cause to regret that.

I am quite aware that you, personally, are not the King Alpha God Creature in this extended family. It’s not required. The benefit that you bring to everybody is your questing, sensitive soul and honorable nature. By running and finding out how to make everything work better, you are bringing flavor, spice and a stronger likelihood of continuity to everyone involved.

Good for you!

Handling Poly Relationships

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

imlostinvertigo said: You only take on slaves that already have a primary partner, something i completely understand as a married man with a Master myself. I’d love to hear Your thoughts and experiences on how this works for both You and the slave (and the other partner). i’m especially interested in what issues You’ve run into with keeping all people involved happy and making sure that everyone’s needs are being met, and how You’ve worked through those issues.

Papa Tony:

Wonderful questions, and thanks.  It’s nice to have an excuse to share about the topic.

I went through a decade of abusive hell before finding my true life-mate.  Let’s call him Sweetheart (everybody does).  As soon as I realized that I was desperately attracted to him, the VERY FIRST thing I did was to have him read The Book.  I’ve mentioned it on my blog, around 1,287 times.  😀  It’s that good.  Used copies are the best!

I wanted the two of us to have a level playing-field, moving forward together.  Before he met me, he had never been in a relationship longer than six months.  In my case, I haven’t been single since I was fourteen.  I told him truthfully that I am not SEXUALLY monogamous, and never will be.  I shared from my own experience, to help him to understand that I am EMOTIONALLY rock-solid in my dedication to him.

Making Agreements

I suggested that we make some commitments and agreements.  After some back-and-forth negotiating, here are the agreements that we came up with:

• He is my Number One.  If Number One is not happy, then it is my strongest priority to work that out with him.  I want him happy.  A lot.
• If I am out later than 2am, then I will call, so that he doesn’t worry about me.
• He knows that I am playing with other men.  He just doesn’t want to hear about it.

In the early days, we were very sexual together.  HONEYMOON!  I did everything in my power to keep him very, very happy.  Smiling at both ends.  In fact, if we were out at a gay bar, and he would be attracted to another man, I would do my magic and the three of us would be playing in a very short while.

Compersion

I am the exact opposite of jealous and insecure.  I’m a big fan of Compersion.  Seeing loved ones happy and fulfilled is a big, big thrill for me.  The words “Come ON, honey - I KNOW you can suck that juicy cock deeper than THAT!” are very easy for me to say.

After about ten years, the sex between us stopped.  It happens.  He just lost interest in sex with ANYONE.  His older brother and father had the same thing going on at that age.  I grieved, I bargained, I was a big pill about it, until I reached the stage called Acceptance.  Suddenly, the stress went away, and harmony reigned again.

All along, I made it plain to him that I needed to have a Dom/sub relationship thing going on.  If he wasn’t into it (he is entirely “Vanilla”), then I would take on others.  HOWEVER, (and I made this plain, often), if the sub wanted to come between the two of us, then that would be the end of THAT boy in my life.

This even happened, once.  The sub wanted me all to himself.  He called Sweetheart out of the blue to blab all about the stuff that he and I did together.  He was trying to break us apart, so that he could sail in and snap me up.  Bad call.  Rather than react in the usual way, Sweetheart calmly told him that he didn’t care, and already knew.

That was the last time I spoke to THAT boy.  That was a perpetration.

During our time together, I have had nineteen collared boys and four slaves.  None of them have ever lived in our home.  As I grew older, I became less and less interested in interviewing new talent.  It’s a LOT of work, keeping everybody happy, agreeable, and on track.

The big breakthrough happened a few years ago, when my slave Larry invited Sweetheart to join us at leather events.  To my surprise, he DID, and his presence has been a constant pleasure.
He loves my slaves, and they love him.  We all have dinner together once a week, and see each other several other times, usually on the weekends.  We travel together, leaving the slaves’ long-term husbands behind, in full understanding and agreement.

Why would their husbands be so agreeable?

I coached the slaves on what to say to their hubbies, in order to shift the conversation into a better place than the usual JEALOUSY crapola:

• I will be with you for the rest of our lives.  That doesn’t change.
• I need more than you are willing or able to provide.  We have had that discussion.
• I won’t be bringing any problems home.  My Master is a very, very protective man.
• As a result of my getting more of my dreams fulfilled, I won’t be a crabby, unsatisfied bitch any more.

After a few months of adjustment, the slaves’ husbands are okay with the situation.  The previous dissatisfaction has gone away, because the level of love and devotion didn’t diminish.  If anything, it got better.  The slaves get to have everything that they want in life.

Adding to The Family

The slaves wouldn’t be in my life if they weren’t superb human beings.  My slave Bob panicked when Larry came into my life.  Bob worried that I was “trading up,” and that I would dump him.  I stayed patient until I finally got through to him, getting past his fears.

I told him “He is not your competition - He is your slave BROTHER.  You need somebody who you can talk to about me, other than me.  This is a Leather Family, and I am the Patriarch.  The glue that binds everybody together.  Now you have somebody new in your life, to love and support you.”  That was a conscious declaration on my part.  I was creating a new possibility that had not existed before.  Just like that, everything clicked.

Did I leave anything out?

Anonymous said: Thank you for your blog, There’s been some great information for new doms like myself. In one of your recent posts, you mentioned that one sub is married to another man. Would you mind explaining some of the challenges you’ve had with that arrangement and strategies/steps you’ve taken to overcome them?

I explained up to a point, but I will go into a bit more detail now.

There really haven’t been a lot of challenges, frankly.  My two slaves with long-term husbands are rock-solid determined to maintain the happiness that they deserve in their lives.  As I said earlier, they get to have their cake and eat it, too.

They have the long-term comfort of being (and having) a long-term, devoted husband.  They also get to have some “honeymoon” and frolic with a Sir who brings them many sexual, emotional and kinky benefits.  There is a difference between being sexually monogamous, and emotionally monogamous.

I am a very well-known and a popular man, so my slaves also automatically have a massive, supportive social circle.  They are very popular and respected.  This counts for a lot more than a casual observer might think.  We all need to feel that we have arrived into the embrace of a loving community, and are welcome.

Since they came into my life, the lives of my slaves are fun, vivid and interesting.  As a result, any arguments that their vanilla husbands might make to the contrary don’t get much traction, so everybody has had to come to new agreements.

Other than my distinct NON-invitation to my slave’s legal wedding to his husband, things have been sailing along pretty nicely.

It’s a fact of life that long-term male-male relationships become less sexual as the decades go flying by.  Once you have been in a long-term relationship, you learn to adjust.   In the case of the two slaves’ husbands, they have discovered that they get 100% of the same benefits as before, but without the frustrated husband nagging them for the kinky needs that they are not equipped to supply.

---

mastertrainerprimer:

Your boyfriend may not be ready or willing to learn to interact with you in the way that you desire.  In some cases “he may be willing” but unable to “provide the satisfaction” you desire.  It is the same with ALL relationships there must be some compromise/effort in order to help the other partner achieve happiness.

Master slave training in a relationship has the potential to be truly magnificent, it can be used to manage almost ALL of the common causes for relationship break-ups, eg. poor communication, infidelity, sexual dis-satisfaction, dishonesty, neglect etc…

If you successfully negotiate an agreement for training with your partner it may take a few years to refine and perfect the rules and regulations, be patient with each other…  It can become a very satisfying life journey together that grows and matures with time.

If you give it a go and it doesn’t work, then re-negotiate how you will each be able to satisfy your needs.  It may require a 3rd party to be involved.  If your partner cannot satisfy your dom/sub needs he can help/allow you to satisfy them elsewhere, so that you can continue your emotional relationship together.

---

slave2766:

Decades of self doubt and confusion resulted in living life in anguish. Then one decision changed everything.

“Unto yourself be true” the real me craved control and submission.

Out of a failed relationship I began to seek others like me. Through the net I found them.

Here I sit now, collared by a man I respect. At peace with my needs and learning contentment.

My blog is full of my stories and desires. You will get to know parts of the journey through it.

Right now I am proud of my courage, happy with my decisions and excited about what comes next…

Whether you love me, hate me, respect me or are neutral on the subject I am comfortable in my own skin.

Sir told me that accepting what I am and what I crave would build my confidence and yet again he was right ;)