Beyond Dominance: Humility

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acruelgentleman:

It seemed appropriate that I kick off an article about non-stereotypical Dominant traits by talking about the polar opposite of the Domly Dom’s raging ego: humility.

A Dominant must have confidence, yes. Confidence in their ability to lead, to make competent decisions, to guide their submissive’s growth. But if confidence becomes hubris, there will be disaster for both Dominant and submissive. The ego must always be tempered by humility.

A Dominant takes on enormous responsibility. Especially in the case of a 24/7, total power exchange dynamic, the Dominant member of the relationship must ensure their submissive’s needs are met, make decisions that affect the lives of both parties, see to the submissive’s training, lead the submissive in the pursuit of his or her goals - it’s a sizeable burden to shoulder. Because of this, all experienced submissives I’ve met have great respect for any good Dominant. Indeed, the Dominants I know are gracious to one another as a rule.

Between the adulation of admirers in their local community or on social media, and the intoxicating praise and devotion of their submissives, even good Dominants fall victim to their own sense of self-importance. Their egotism rolls over not just any opposition they may face, but, if unchecked, their friends and even their submissive. Pride in one’s prowess, taken to extremes, can strip one of the very achievements that inspired such haughtiness.

So a Dominant should, at all times, cultivate a humble attitude. Confidence should stop short of arrogance. Leadership, of tyranny. Desire, of gluttony. The attitude of servant leadership is especially helpful in reigning in one’s ego while nurturing a Dominant’s required skill set. A servant leader leads without desire for personal gain, without thirst for power over others. A servant leader teaches, guides, and inspires their subordinates, always leading by example, and with integrity.

This way, a good Dominant always places their submissive first. The submissive’s needs are the Dominant’s needs. The submissive’s goals are also the Dominant’s. The Dominant seeks only to see their submissive succeed, caring nothing for praise and reward. A happy, thriving, successful submissive is the Dominant’s reward. No other prize is required, nor is it desired.

It can be helpful for a Dominant to keep in mind the classic D/s witticism: 

A Dominant without a submissive is just a lonely misanthrope barking orders at their cat. 

D/s does not exist in an individual. We call them “relationship dynamics” because they’re all about how we construct and run our relationships. Without a submissive, even the best Dominant has no outlet for their relationship skills, no means of practicing their craft. It’s only when Dominant and submissive enter into the endeavor together that the Dominant can shine. I would even argue that greatness in a Dominant is a direct response to greatness in a submissive.

In the end, this is about a relationship. We Dominants can indeed take pride in our hard work, our talent and ingenuity, and the achievements of our submissives. But we must always work to keep that pride in check. Otherwise, rather than hearing the roar of a lion when we speak, our listeners are likely to hear the grating howl of a scavenging jackal.

Some General Rules for Good Beta Boys

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perfectmaster79: Obey Your Alpha Fully

This means going beyond the letter of what he says & getting to the spirit of it. Any slave can follow orders. You should expect more from yourself. At times, that may even include…

Feel Free To Question

One big difference between a beta & a slave is that a beta is expected to think for himself. That means you’ll have questions sometimes. Ask away. If he doesn’t feel like explaining it, he’ll say so. If your question bugs you, he may punish you for asking. If he tells you to just shut up & do it, you will. But always keep yourself open to him, including staying intellectually bright & available. One important caveat to this is how you behave in public. In front of others there should be no questioning of what he says. This is because…

Respect Is Primary

He shouldn’t have to come up with elaborate rules to display your submission to him. It should be clear at all times, though it may be casual & unobtrusive, that you respect & surrender to his superior masculinity. However, without a set of rules to govern every situation…

Expect The Unexpected

You’ve spent the last couple weeks hanging out with him like a buddy? That doesn’t mean that tonight he isn’t gonna suddenly get off on embarrassing & humiliating you, or rough you up a little & tell you to just take it, or do whatever the hell else he wants. Variety is the spice of life. Be ready to be his buddy, bitch, lover, partner, servant, or wingman as the situation and his mood dictate. And no matter what position you’re in at the moment…

Be Proud Of What He’s Made Of You

He’s put work into developing you the way he likes you. It’s taken some thought & planning on his part to figure out how you can best meet his needs. Be proud of him for the work he’s put in, and remember to…

Be Thankful

You get to be part of something bigger than yourself & he deserves thanks for letting you in on it. You can express your thanks through affection, gifts, maintenance, praise, & service. Be creative. Surprise him. Make him smile. But while you enjoy your bond with him…

Jealousy Doesn’t Look Good On Anyone

There will never be reason for him to be jealous because your sexuality will be decided by him. But there should never be a reason for you to be jealous either. The whole point is him enjoying his masculinity, which means as long as he’s having fun, it doesn’t matter if it’s with you or someone else. So long as he’s developing some part of you for his enjoyment, it doesn’t have to be the sexual part of you.

Get Ready To Grow

You’ll probably learn new things about yourself as you serve your Alpha. He may help you develop skills you’d have never explored on your own. There are, of course, the basics he shouldn’t have to worry about…

Take Care Of Your Health

A sick beta is a burden. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep (except on those occasions when he doesn’t let you- then make up for it later.) You wanna keep it in good shape because…

He Gets It All

Every inch of you is his and should be available to him anytime. He deserves the best. That may or may not mean that everyone else (or anyone else) knows about it because…

Men Deserve Their Privacy

Once initial expectations have been set, don’t go whining for more than he has for you. If he’s married to someone else, you’re never gonna get treated like his spouse. If it’s understood that he dates other people, he may fall in love with them. It’s up to him whether or not the other people in his life know about you or not, & whether they know about your service to him or not. Alphas have a lot of people who want to be around them. It’s up to him to balance who can best meet his needs & desires, which comes down to…

Love, Honor And Obey But Stay Out Of His Hair

Of course he should have the ability to find out where you are & what you are doing when he wants to, but he has more important things to do than to supervise you 24 hours a day, 7 day a week. Be a man. Think for yourself. Make him proud. Make his day. Love, honor & obey. All glory to the Alpha.

Good Manners for Kinky Folks

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thegayboybible: I imagine a lot of men will skip past this post, but etiquette in kinkster circles is important because every alpha I’ve ever known is big on respect. Point blank, you need to learn what is considered polite when dealing with fellow kinksters. If you’ve found the alpha of your dreams and he’s talking and interested you don’t want to lose him because you said something rude without realizing it or without thinking about it. While you may not always know why an alpha went silent on you, reading through what’s below should at least help eliminate behavior as a cause.

In General:

- Remember you are here to SERVE: You are serving an alpha. That means your focus should be on him. When I hear “What would you do to me?” That’s a real fast turn off. It implies that you’re here to jack off or that you’re focused on what you’ll get out of it. I have spoken to a number of subs who assure me this is just so they know what they’re in for. Fine, I’m sure that’s true for some folks out there, but try this instead. First, have a conversation with the dominant, get to know him, and be attentive to him. Much later in the conversation if you’re sure you want to play, ask him “what are play sessions like with you generally?” There is no reference to self in this question but it still gets the information you want.

- Learn someone’s title and use it: If you meet someone for the first time and their preferred title is not apparent, then introduce yourself and use your preferred title, and then ask for theirs.

Examples:

• “Hi! I’m sub Ethan! What do you like to be called?”
• “Hi, I’m faggot Sebastian! How may I address you?”

Titles are usually pretty personal and at minimum it lets you ask why they chose that title to kick off a conversation.

- Be mindful of whom you taunt: Some men will taunt dominants to make them act in a more intense fashion. Some dominants enjoy that kind of mouthing off from submissives but me and others do not. As a dominant I have to maintain a large degree of self control to play safely and respect your limits and pain tolerance.

You taunting me I feel is disrespectful and challenges my self control. I’d rather drop all the toys and walk away than I would engage in that kind of play. In short, do NOT engage in taunting with a dominant you do not know. Respect the fact that a first time play session is often about finding boundaries and exploring, do not expect that they’ll immediately jump into intense play but do be vocal about whether you’re enjoying it or not. Give constant feedback.

Online:

- Full profile: Have a full profile! That means face, body, ass and/or dick, pics of past play experiences, text about yourself and what you’re looking for. It is 2015, pics are mandatory get as many as you can and be sure they’re representative. Now, if you’re not out, well then it is ok to tell someone you’re not out, and offer to send a face pic once you’ve seen their face pic so you can be sure you’re not sending it to someone you know.

-Trading Pics: When you want to see someone else’s pics, offer up at least one of yourself first in addition to asking. Don’t wait to be asked, do it automatically as a courtesy. Because of guys who will ask to see your pics and automatically block me, i offer to exchange pics on a one to one ratio. I send a pic of whatever they send me.

No one gets to see my dick unless they send me a pic of their dick or ass first. That way if I’m going to be blocked i can at least see who was so inconsiderate to do that. Speaking of which, it’s ok to politely say ”Thanks so much for trading pics. I’m sorry, but it turns out we’re not a match after all. I wish you best of luck in your search.” and part ways amicably rather than blocking and coming off like a dick. Men talk, it’ll catch up to you eventually.

- If you say you will show up, show up: Everyone complains about flakes, so don’t be one. Never agree to show up if you have no intention of showing up or might not be able to make it. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t show. One of the amazing things about kink is that MOST fantasies can be realized!!! Don’t miss out jacking off at home and being sad when you had someone who wanted to play and you flaked out on them.

I’m also going to be honest and admit, early on that I too flaked on a few guys. The 3rd time it happened, I stopped and thought about why it was I hadn’t hooked up with him or the other two men who had contacted me and been interested. I realized that I was feeling rather neutral on each of them. They weren’t ugly, or rude, but nor was I especially aroused by them. I swore to myself that being aware of the cause I would fix that behavior. Now, when I am neutral on a boy, I don’t commit to meeting up unless something about him really grabs my attention.

Lastly, if something does come up unexpectedly and you really truly cannot make it. Explain what’s going on, admit it makes you sound like a flake, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule another time. If possible do it right then and there, be aggressive about narrowing down a day and a time to meet up that works for you both. When the day comes, send a short message just confirming you’re still on, and then show.

- Respond to messages: Some guys sign online and they have so many messages they can’t possibly respond to them all. MUST BE NICE ;)! For the rest of us, let’s be honest and polite with each other upfront. If someone takes the time to message (and they are not rude) you should respond because it’s what you’d want from someone you are into. When I’m disinterested in the person messaging me, I let them know. If I’m not digging them at all then I’ll write: “Sorry, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. Best of luck in your search :)!”

If I don’t want to play, but they sound interesting: “I am sorry, but we’re not a match. I am still interested in speaking with you though if you’d like.” And include whatever it was in their profile that drew your attention. Worse comes to worse a new friendship with a fellow kinkster is a valuable thing. Keep in mind that many men don’t make it clear why exactly they’re messaging, even if you’re not into them they may have a question about a kink you enjoy or someone you know. Don’t jump the gun on rejecting anyone until you know they want sex and you don’t.

In the dungeon:

- DO NOT interrupt someone else’s scene: It is usually OK to watch quietly so long as you are not distracting the people playing. If you see someone doing something that is dangerous, find a dungeon monitor and ask them. It is a dungeon monitor’s job to step in if someone is behaving dangerously, not yours. Dungeon monitors often know the players pretty well and you might be surprised how at a glance someone’s scene and say “oh he’s done that 30 times its fine.”

- It’s OK to ask someone about their scene after they’re done: If someone did something particularly amazing in a scene, it is OK to ask if they would like to play with you. It’s also OK to ask about how they did what they did, or where they learned to do it. It’s sometimes OK to ask how they mitigate the dangers in what they do if you’re curious but tread carefully as some alphas have delicate egos and may take that question personally.

Etiquette in BDSM

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dominant-daddy:

So you’re a Dom?

Just because you call yourself a Dom, don’t expect every submissive girl/boy in BDSM to bow before you and call you Sir/Master/Daddy/Mommy or any other title you bestow on yourself. The fact is simple. Submissives are normal everyday people who happen to have one thing in common. They choose to submit to one person (after He/She earns said submission) and then it is the submissives choice to choose how to address that person.

And remember this important fact: she/he maybe a submissive but they are NOT your submissive until you earn the trust, respect and consent from said submissive.Submission is never demanded, taken, asked for or assumed. If you want to call a submissive Yours then earn their submission and show him/her you are worthy of it.

Submissives must do as they are told?

Submissives are not doormats or second class citizens. They are equals in a power exchange relationship. They have rights, the same as a Dom. They have choices, the same as a Dom. They can say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ just as a Dom can. They can ask questions. Demand answers. Surprised by this? Then you need to re-evaluate your Dominant role. All D/s relationships are based on agreements, limits, understanding, choices, rules and boundaries. 

Every aspect of the relationship is discussed and agreed by both partners. This may come as a shock to some, but it’s the SUB who has REAL power in the relationship. A submissive will bow down to his/her Dom because he/she chooses to do so but he/she can also kick a Doms ass out the door if that trust is misplaced and the Dom abuses the authority that’s been given to Him/Her. You have been warned!

It has to be my way? Rules and punishments.

So you’ve earned his/her submission. Now you decide to throw an encyclopedia sized book of rules at him/her and demand they are followed to the letter or a punishment will be given because YOUR rules were broken. No. Just, no. Rules are to be discussed and agreed by both partners. There are a few too many Doms whose rules are non-beneficial to the submissive and are more geared towards themselves. E.G. You can only wake Me with a blow job, or do not call/text me without prior notice, etc.

Rules should be in place to help a submissive. A Dom should know everything about their sub and this takes time so rules should never be set in stone and always be open for revision. However, when rules are in place, do not let them down and shirk Your responsibilities. If a rule is in place, for the best interest of a sub, then please be consistent. Submissives need consistency.

See HERE for help with rules in BDSM

Punishments should also be agreed by both partners and should be reasonable and fit the infraction. DO NOT – EVER – punish a submissive who tries their best and gives 100% but fails a task. Encouragement is needed for them to do better. Otherwise you’ll just make them feel worthless. The same rule applies to ignoring a submissive as a punishment. By ignoring a sub, a Dom is saying “you are only good enough when you are perfect”. Each relationship is always going to be different, as each Dom/sub are, so using common sense and getting to know the submissive is the key to their discipline and punishment.

See HERE for advice with punishments in BDSM.

Hi Daddy/Mommy? Hi Baby girl/boy?

Being called Daddy/Mommy or baby girl/boy is a term of endearment in a D/s relationship. It’s special to the partners and ONLY they are truly allowed to use those terms. So addressing every Daddy/Mommy Dom or baby girl/boy with these personal terms dilutes the meaning so please do not do it.

Etiquette in BDSM seems to be largely misunderstood by those who are new to the lifestyle or who are just plain ignorant to it so I hope in some way that this will help to address the balance and make this lifestyle a little more understanding.

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dominant-daddy:

Hello slut, whore, bitch, cunt!

This type of name calling is, usually, only to be used during a scene in BDSM. A lot of submissives like to be called names and/or feel degraded BUT, now here’s the one amazing fact… only by their Dominant! Randomly calling a submissive any degrading name is verbal and unwanted abuse. It’s sexual harassment.

You call any girl a slut, whore, etc. and she’ll probably want to rip your balls off and feed them to you with a rusty fork. But when she hears the silky tones of his/her dominant say these words to him/her, they’ll melt. Would a person walk up to a girl in a bar or the street and call her these names to her face?No, they wouldn’t and doing the same over the internet is no different.

Send me a naked picture of yourself.

There are many submissive girls (and guys) that have a NSFW blog. Many of them post pictures (selfies) of themselves nude. It’s their blog, their body, their choice and their decision. They post them for their own reasons. They don’t post them as an advertisement like a piece of meat on offer. It’s NOT an invitation and it’s NOT consent for the douches to harass them for their personal pics or to attack them for posting whatever they want to on their own blog.

If you like their pics, reblog them. Don’t get offended and name call because she refuses and wants to keep herself safe from internet predators and maybe, just maybe she doesn’t want to take the risk of having her personal pics in the hands of a complete stranger who could do goodness knows what with them? As in the previous post, a person wouldn’t ask this of a stranger IRL and hiding behind the internet does not make it acceptable or okay.

Running a NSFW blog is not consent. It does not mean that the blogger is horny 24/7 and masturbates over Tumblr like it’s an occupation. Most are bored and on Tumblr to pass the time. They’re not here to get douches off. Please show some respect.

I’m going to….

This kind of message that submissives receive with a long list of what ‘anonymous’ would like to do to them is another area that needs to be addressed. Most subs do not want them. There are some that like them. Have a look through their blog and read the ‘about me’.

If they’re owned/have a Dom I’d suggest moving on, or better still just don’t send them unless you are certain that is what the sub is asking of their followers. A submissive may like to talk dirty (and express this on their blog) but maybe that’s only with their dominant. If in doubt, don’t do it.

I’m Master ***** You will kneel before me and call me Sir!

This is a red flag to begin with. No ‘genuine’ dominant would say such a thing. He/She would want to get to know any potential partner before agreeing to a D/s relationship. ‘Genuine’ dominants are respectful, polite, courteous and generally do not try to impress. They certainly don’t shout their worth from a rooftop saying “look at me!”They don’t try to ‘Dom’ a submissive after the first hello (if they are lucky enough to get a hello first that is!)

Any submissive, but especially new submissives that are BDSM virgins should always be cautious when talking to a new potential dominant partner. Don’t give personal information, your address or even your home town until you feel comfortable enough and never meet anyone who you have only just recently met. This is doubly important if it’s an online meeting. I have known submissives in the past who have just started talking to ‘Doms’ online and right from the off they have wanted a meet to do a scene. It’s very real and it happens.

Think about how they first talk to you. Are they more interested in your underwear and what you’re wearing or if you swallow or are willing to do anal than they are in you? Do they ask questions about you or just your sex life? Listen to what they talk about or even if they talk about themselves at all. Constant sexual talk = red flag. Not talking about themselves = red flag.

A dominant that boasts about their previous subs and what they did together is another red flag. If you are constantly being asked, “would you be willing to try X or Y…” again, that’s a red flag. Follow your instincts. If you feel something just doesn’t add up or something doesn’t feel right, your gut instinct is trying to tell you something and chances are, it’s right. Walk away. You owe them nothing. Until you consent and agree to be their submissive you are free to do whatever you please. You are free to talk to as many potential dominants as you wish.

Let’s say you are talking to a potential dominant. He/She is really nice. But do they ask about you or how was your day? When was the last time you were asked how you were? You told him/her about what was planned for today at work, have they remembered it or asked about it? Do they even remember about the terrible day you had yesterday freaking out over it? These are the kind of questions to need to be asking yourself. After a conversation with your potential dominant, have a think back to what you spoke about and recap. It should tell you a great deal as to where his/her best interest are focused.

I know this has gone slightly off the etiquette topic but I feel it was warranted and needed to be said. Predators are real in BDSM. Please, stay safe when searching for a partner.

How Should a sub Approach a Prospective Dom?

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I am an eager sub closely watching and trying to emulate your idea of servitude. Regards to you and RESPECTS to your MASTER. how should a sub approach a Dom in recon and sites, in leather bars. Also, please talk about posture training.
slavecuntboi:

Those are big questions so i will try to answer them the best i can:

Approaching a Dom online, on Recon or elsewhere takes some preparation.  i believe it is just like meeting face-to-face – the first impression counts.

Firstly, i think it’s important to make sure that your own profile really represents what you are, your experience and what you are looking for. Be clear you are a sub, not a slave, how passive e.g. 90/10, how many years experience, what BDSM activities you have done, what you are looking for,  new training you are keen to have, what kind of Dom you believe you can best submit to e.g. controlling or rough or sadistic etc,

Secondly, think about what your photos are saying about you. Are they good quality, are they recent, are they showing you as a submissive, are they emphasising the BDSM activities you are good at and will enjoy giving to a Dom?

Think about what the Dom will think when looking at your profile. Make sure your limits are clear and keep your profile real.  This is not fantasy, you want the Dom to be confident He is getting the real thing.

Once you have got your profile ready, then you can contact the Dom you are interested in.

Read the Dom’s profile. Then re-read it, carefully. Check all His pictures. Be sure that this is the Dom you want to submit to. Then send a polite message addressing Him correctly. Call Him Sir/SIR in the first message unless you can tell from the profile that He prefers to be addressed differently. Once you get a reply, always check how He wishes to be addressed e.g. Sir/Master/Boss/Alpha. Always use uppercase for Him and lowercase for you e.g. “i”.  This shows you are respectful and submissive.

In your first message, keep it simple and to the point. It is good to ask if He might be interested in using you sometime or training you in something you know He is experienced in. Express how keen you are on His profile and how much you want to submit or be used by Him.  Keep it short and sexually attractive. You can message more later once He shows interest.

After that, if He is interested, try to set up a meeting as soon as possible to get to know the Dom in a real session, rather than endless messages online.

This is just this humble slave’s opinion but i hope you find useful boy.

Approaching a Dom in a bar or club.  Is different from online as you there are only clues about what the Dom is into. The big plus is that you know you are physically attracted to this Man, no pics required!

Before you approach a Dom face-to-face make sure you look like a sub. So, don’t wear an armband on the left or a Muir cap for example, as these are symbols of Dominance.

Look at what He is wearing – is He using hanky code colours on an arm-band for example – Grey: Bondage, Black: SM, Blue: Fucking, Yellow: Watersports, etc. Is he carrying a flogger, paddle, cane, rope, etc.  This gives you some idea of His main interests, so make sure that they fit with yours before approaching Him.

Then simply wait for a moment when He is not busy and approach Him. Drop to your knees, hands behind your back, body and head straight-up. Greet Him respectfully, complement Him and introduce yourself. For example, “Hello Sir, permission to speak to You Sir?… i think You look hot in Your leather Sir…i am a bondage/pain/piss sub, i wondered if You would like to use me sometime, Sir?”  When you look up, use your eyes, but try to keep your head slightly bowed. Some Doms like direct eye contact, some don’t allow it unless they give permission. But you will normally find out once a session starts.

I hope that answers your basic question and helps you get started.

Good luck with your submission, boy, and thank you for asking an interesting question!

slave cuntboi

How To Fist Or Play Large, Anally

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Unknown author: I get asked quite often how to “stretch” or train oneself to take larger toys and fists. I normally say the boiled down, simplified version of… “It is just a matter of relaxation, muscle control, plenty of lube, along with time and determination, and caution to do it right, at your body’s own pace.” This is the unabridged and detailed description that I have compiled from several sources over the years, so that I could have it in one place.

Putting things in your rear can be a very big turn-on. Hopefully, whatever is going up, will come out again. Here are a number of basic guidelines to help maximise the experience and minimise the risk of loss, infection or internal damage. Your bowels are relatively delicate. You should treat them with respect. It is something that you will wish to keep in good condition for years to come both for sex and evacuating your bowels.

All sorts of things can go in, but not all of them come out as easily. Think about this before you do it. For example (and it’s not recommended): Putting an open-ended bottle up your butt will create a vacuum and it can get stuck when trying to pull it out. Glass objects can be particularly dangerous if they shatter inside. balls and fruits can “pop” or squeeze past the pelvis and refuse to allow any grip to get back out.Even thinking you are smart by attaching a string for retrieval in the even the object gets stuck can be dangerous, as the string can cut or tear the sphincter muscle, anal canal, rectum, and almost anything between it and your butt hole. Vibrators can slip very easily out of your hands and further up an unsuspecting butt. 

Buzzing your way into an Accident and Emergency Department may have some novelty value but, if it’s not fished out immediately, it will go on and on and on until the batteries wear out. And you’re ‘in for bumpy ride’ if you’re using new batteries, or extended life ones! Trying to retrieve light bulbs, apples, penis rings, and golf balls, at 3am in an emergency room ceases to be sexy after about two minutes. It can also be time consuming, dangerous and embarrassing. The bottom line is that anything you let go of may be difficult to grab hold of again as it gets sucked up your butt. Remember the only area that is touch sensitive is the first couple of inches so that’s where you’ll get the most out of it. The rectum is only sensitive to stretch. If you’re new to assplay (and have never been fisted) playing with dildos is a great way of exploring your butt, knowing how it feels and where your limits are. It is always tempting to think that bigger is better and that only the Burj Khalifa up your backside will make you orgasm.

WHY CAN IT FEEL SO GOOD?

Whether it’s a finger, penis, dildo or fist, the practicalities of what happens when they go into your butt are relatively similar. For the sake of this explanation imagine using a throbbing 7 inch penis (17cm). The bottom sphincter muscle needs to relax to allow the penis up the anal canal. Some of us find playing around with the butt or the crack of the butt (using perhaps your tongue or a finger) will help open up the entrance. Lubricant for this is not just essential, but also fun. The anal canal and rectum can stretch greatly but will contract automatically when pain occurs. If you’re getting fucked, you ideally need to want it and draw it inside your butt. You can make this easier by ‘pushing down’ as if you are opening your butt to waste and it’s often very horny for both of you this way. With the penis just inside the rectum you can push it in and out just to this depth, rubbing and stimulating the anal canal which is touch sensitive.

Alternatively, you can take the penis further into the rectum to about 4-5 inches. Depending on how it’s angled, you can rub and stimulate the prostate gland, which sits on the other side of the rectum wall. There doesn’t appear to be to be any particular reason why there are so many nerve endings in the prostate but it is a pretty good design feature, which earned its name as the male “g-spot”! Combined with what’s already going on in your anal canal, stimulating the prostate gland will encourage you to orgasm. This may be exactly what you want, but you may also find that you cum too quickly. Taking the penis right up into the rectum will continue to stimulate the anal canal. With most of the 8 inches up the butt, the end will be near the the bottom of the sphincter muscle. If the penis pounds against it or hits some of the nerves around the bottom of the spinal cord this can cause considerable discomfort to the person being fucked. Again, the muscle needs to relax, teased open by the action but NEVER forced. An 8 inch penis will probably get through the top muscle but this of course depends on the build and position of the person.

DILDOS OR SEX TOYS

Dildos are toys designed for you to stick up your butt. Usually made of rubber compounds, they come in all shapes and sizes and you’d be as well to consider what you want to get out of their use before you buy one. For example, broader based dildos will tend to stretch and stimulate your anal canal. If you want to excite your prostate you’ll probably need one that’s longer and thinner. It is easier to keep hold of dildos with balls or a base. Butt plugs are smaller and stumpier but will stay in (until taken out) and will help keep your butt open. Fingers (albeit small) are in effect dildos and if you stick them up more than one butt (as with dildos or butt plugs) there is a risk of infection. If you’re buying a dildo don’t necessarily think big, you can always buy another one and prices can vary enormously, so on cost alone it’s worth shopping around.

SHARING FINGERS, PENISES, DILDOS AND FISTS

If you are sharing fingers, dildos or fists between butts or mouths (very possibly covered with traces of blood, cum, waste or piss) this can put you and/or your partner(s) at risk from HIV or other STD’s. Generally, we don’t cover our fingers when we put them up our own butt but they should be washed thoroughly if they are then going up anybody else’s. The evsame applies if you finger someone else first and then want to finger yourself. Alternatively you can use a finger-cot (a condom for your finger) with a new cot used on each partner. If you are using condoms, your penis should only go up one butt with each condom. If there’s more than one butt available to use, use a fresh condom. Similarly, if you’re using gloves a new glove should be used with each partner. The same applies to dildos and toys. Getting into the habit of always using a condom on a dildo (whether you’re by yourself or not) will also give you repeated opportunities to practice putting on and taking off condoms, as well as help keep your toys clean.

SIZE, SHAPE, FORCE AND LOSS

Sharp, hard or cold objects are much more likely to make your butt contract and cause damage. Better suited are flexible, smooth edged and warm dildos or dildo shaped objects. Glass objects tend to break or shatter under pressure, and for this reason it does not make sense to insert light bulbs, glasses or bottles. However, bruising or damage has usually more to do with the force with which dildos (or penises) are inserted or removed, particularly if your sphincter muscle(s) are closed or are taken by surprise. If the dildo bangs into a muscle it contracts or tightens up making further penetration difficult. Apart from anything else - it fucking hurts! An example of this happening is when a guy shoves his penis up his partner’s butt before the bottom sphincter has relaxed.

If you get something lost, it is sometimes possible to retrieve it before deciding whether you ought to go to an emergency room or hospital. Going back inside your butt may be more difficult as you’ll probably be feeling stressed or worried which often means that your sphincter muscles will have tightened up. You need to relax, and use lots of lubricant. ‘Teease’ those muscles open gently and take your time. Alternatively you may be able to wait and waste it out naturally. However, if you’re bleeding, or experiencing pain or discomfort: seek medical help immediately.

YOUR SKIN, HANDS, FINGERS AND NAILS

Whether you’re fisting, or playing with toys, hands should be in a good condition. Skin should be unbroken and have no cuts, sores or abrasions. Fingernails should be clean, short, and filed to remove any rough edges. Cuticles (that’s where your fingernails join your fingers) should be smooth and unbroken. You can soften rough hands and calluses with a moisturiser. However, oil based moisturisers on your hands then coming into contact with condoms may damage them and make them less effective against HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

You should abstain from these activities altogether if your skin is broken or has cuts, sores or abrasions, or if cuticles are torn or split, or if fingernails are damaged, ragged or raw. This is because damaged or broken skin is more likely to cause internal damage and/or provide routes for infection to get into the body. Blood, cum, and waste may be infected with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases like hepatitis, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and herpes. If you feel you have to partake in these activities, be responsible enough to at least wear gloves, and use extra lube. Again, you should just be safe and abstain until hands are in good condition again.

LONG TERM EFFECTS OF BUTTPLAY

Some would argue that in addition to the risk of HIV/STD’s the use of dildos and fisting means that there is a gradual reduction in the elasticity and co-ordination of the sphincter muscles which can ultimately result in permanent damage. This can lead to problems in evacuating one’s bowels and incontinence. Certainly there are men with butts the size of the Marianas Trench which most likely be the result of overuse, or pushing their bodies too far, too fast, without enough consideration for their bodies, health, incontinence, or any combination of the three. Your b

Others would argue that by taking sensible precautions we can reduce the risk of HIV/STD infection to an acceptable level. Like many other parts of our bodies, with practice and care, we can tone up and improve our sphincter muscle control. Furthermore, by gaining an understanding of our digestive system and the workings of our butt, we are better able to manage and care for them.

It’s difficult to imagine us not using our butts for sex in some way. And so, in the absence of any clear information about the long-term effects of buttplay, the following guidelines are - admittedly - a compromise between over doing it and not doing it:

Use your butt - don’t abuse it
Treat your butt with care and respect, listen to what your body has to say
If in doubt - don’t
Adopt good techniques in anal preparation and play
Don’t do anything that causes pain or discomfort
Respond quickly, and as calm as possible to any problems or complications
Go for regular check-ups

BLOOD AND INJURY

During or after sex, you may see a ‘little pink’ in the lubricant. Some of us maintain that this is not unusual and that this is not necessarily a reason to stop, at least not immediately. However, it is important to make clear that physical damage has already been done. Furthermore, if gloves have not been used and your hands aren’t in perfect condition, there could be a risk of HIV/STD transmission.

If the blood becomes brighter, thicker or darker in colour you should stop what you’re doing. If there is pain, discomfort or continued blood loss, go to a doctor, or an emergency room/hospital immediately. Alternatively, you could phone your local police station who will know the location of the nearest hospital to you, (no - you don’t have to tell them what’s happened!) It can sometimes be several hours before you realise that harm has been done. Indications that there is a problem may include a temperature, persistent pain or discomfort, sweating, feeling nauseous or weak.

IF IN DOUBT GET ADVICE OR HELP

If your partner ends up with most of your bowel lining in their hand, now is not the time to go to sleep, lounge around, or do anything recreational. seek mnedical attention if there are any signs of trouble.

HOW YOUR BUTT WORKS:

THE BEGINNING & THE END

Your butt is just the beginning, or rather the end, of your digestive and waste disposal system. This is one of the most important functioning parts of our bodies, which extracts nutrients and goodness from the food we eat and then gets rid of the waste. Many people believe that this is just a small tube linked to the stomach where waste sits waiting for the rectal express to the toilet via your butt. If you’re anything like this, your digestive system is about 27 feet (8m) short. In fact, from mouth to butthole, it’s a 30-foot (9m) long canal, regulated by a series of canal locks and chambers, and lined with muscles that nudge and move the food and waste along.

THE STOMACH

After eating, food can spend anything up to 6 hours in the stomach, a ‘J’ shaped organ about 14 inches (35cm) long. Here, acids and enzymes digest food until it becomes a semi-liquid soup that you’ve seen from time to time as vomit. The speed at which food leaves the stomach depends on what you’ve eaten and what’s going on further down the line. Nerves connect the butt to the stomach and vice versa and transmit messages to control the flow of food and waste. For example, you may experience discomfort or pains in your stomach if you are constipated or being fucked or fisted. Conversely, when you eat, quite often you want to go for a waste.

THE SMALL INTESTINE

Only in a semi-liquid form is the food passed on to the next stage of digestion the small intestine, a rubbery tube, an inch (2.5cm) wide and some 21 feet (6.5m) long. This is made up of the duodenum 10 inches (25m), the jejunum 10 feet (3m) and ileum 13 feet (4m). Although these sections of your intestine are all slightly different in what they do, it’s here that the nutrients and goodness in food are extracted.

THE LARGE INTESTINE

What remains resembles a rich vegetable soup, which passes into the large intestine. This is rather like an inverted 'U’ shaped pipe, 6 feet (2m) long, which joins the small intestine at the bottom right hand corner, near your appendix. This is made up of four sections: the ascending, transverse, descending, and sigmoid colons. Here, much of the water and salt from the waste is absorbed back into the body as it passes through and consequently the waste becomes more solid. By the time it leaves the sigmoid colon and reaches the rectum, waste is normally in discrete turds of a good consistency and reasonable size. waste in the rectum leaves by way of the anal canal and finally your butthole. The sigmoid colon is best described as the final packaging and holding bay, the rectum is the dispatch area and the anal canal to your butthole is the main gate. This is achieved by good muscle control much of which we know little about and yet it hopefully lasts us an entire lifetime.

THE RECTUM, ANAL CANAL & BUTTHOLE

Around the connecting tube between your sigmoid colon and rectum is a ring of muscle that angles the tube in such a way as to close it off. This (sphincter) muscle regulates the waste leaving the sigmoid colon; without it, your rectum would fill up continuously and you’d be wasting all the time. Your rectum is a stretchy 4-5 inch (10-13cm) muscular tube that can stretch to the size of a clenched fist (when full of waste) or a hand. Below your rectum is the anal canal, 1-2 inches (2-5cm) long, which ends in your butt hole. The surface of the rectum and the anal canal is usually covered with a thin layer of mucus or natural lubricant designed to help with evacuating, and which also helps offer protection from infections. If you rub the surface, you quickly exhaust the supply of mucus, which is why you need additional lubricant when putting anything up the butt.

At the bottom of the anal canal, is another sphincter muscle made up of two smaller interconnected rings of muscle. One of them is not under your direct control but responds to internal body messages; for example, when the rectum is full or when you cough - the muscle tightens. When the muscle doesn’t work properly you leak. You have more control over the other muscle, which you can relax or tighten at will. Try it now - you see, control is everything.

EVACUATING BOWELS

The weight of waste stretching the sides of the sigmoid colon signals the top sphincter muscle to relax briefly allowing a measured amount into the rectum. This is also called a bowel movement. If you’re ready to go and usually sitting on a toilet, the bottom sphincter muscle relaxes and lets the waste down the anal canal and out through your butt hole.

SENSATION TO ENLARGEMENT PAIN & TOUCH

The rectum only senses enlargement and stretch, whilst the anal canal can sense temperature, touch and pain. This makes the anal canal more fun to play with than the rectum, which will only be noticed if you stretch its walls. Above the rectum there are no receptors to sense pain or injury so penetration beyond this point is more risky. To the front of the rectum (tummy side) is your prostate gland, doughnut-shaped and about the size of a chestnut. This is very sensitive to pressure. At orgasm, it releases fluid and nutrients in which sperm swim and live.

COMPLICATIONS

There are many factors involved in evacuating your bowels properly, and many of these can go wrong. If your sphincter muscles don’t seal properly then you may leak or waste yourself. Ulcers or a split in the anal canal may mean you get pain and a tighter sphincter muscle. If you regularly use laxatives, you may damage the nerve supply to this area and then either get diarrhoea or constipation. If you experience anything out of the ordinary or have any concerns - go to a doctor. Prevention or early treatment is preferable to suffering, or getting serious complications needing surgery.

DIARRHEA

Diarrhea is usually caused by an irritation of the intestine lining or infection in your small or large intestine. Quite simply, your body wants to get rid of whatever the problem is and, if it can’t vomit it out, it needs to get it through your system as quickly as possible. The little muscles that massage your food along go into over-drive (which is what can cause stomach aches, pain and cramps). The locks and valves regulating the flow of your digestive system open up to help flush-out infections or irritants and your body is so desperate to get rid of it that it doesn’t have time to extract the water from your turds. It’s at times like this that you’re open to release that all too familiar brown sludge.

Oddly enough, we sometimes underestimate our body’s ability to deal with situations like this. Generally, speaking, it is best to let nature take its course - not forgetting to drink lots of fluids to help wash out your digestive system and prevent dehydration However, if symptoms persist - get it checked out.

CONSTIPATION

Constipation can be caused by spasms in the large intestine, insufficient bulk or roughage in your diet, lack of exercise or stress. waste passing through the colon - which extracts just enough water to turn the sludge into solid turds, can get stuck there where they continue to 'dry out’ until they become hard and knotted. your bowels is then painful as the hardened turds rub abrasively against the walls of your colon, rectum and anal canal.

HAEMORRHOIDS

Hemorrhoids are veins near the surface of the bottom part of your anal canal that have become inflamed, forming pockets or bags of blood. Initially, they’ll stay inside but they can, over time, get larger and be pulled towards your butt hole by the downward motion of evacuating your bowels. If constipated, straining makes them much worse. Sometimes they split open and can bleed, often quite profusely.

DIETARY ADVICE

Lowering stress levels, taking regular exercise and a balanced diet will all play important roles in helping to ensure that your digestive system works well and is problem free. Dietary advice to prevent constipation is based on the effects of certain foods being able to resist digestion. Such foods increase the weight (and volume) of waste, and are also able to bind water more effectively, forming a turd that is softer, and easier to expel from the body. Fruit and vegetables, both cooked and raw, whole-grain cereal products such as brown rice, wholemeal bread, flour products and whole-wheat breakfast cereals are excellent turd-bulking agents and the maxim is the more the merrier. Pulses, such as lentils and beans, are also known to be effective, although the novice may become rather farty and will need to adjust intakes accordingly.

The addition of bran to the diet (along with sufficient fluid intake) can provide some relief from constipation, although this should not be a substitution for a healthy diet. Diets which are more likely to lead to constipation include dairy products, fatty foods and foods which have little or no fibre. If you experience pain, discomfort, if you’re not evacuating properly solid turds regularly or if you have any concerns - visit your doctor.

DOUCHING

At a very young age we are taught to dispose of waste needy and hopefully silently and are not encouraged to talk about one of life’s messy taboos. Consequently, for many of us, it’s not something we deal with very well. There’s probably been a time in all our lives when, during sex, soiled ourselves or seen our partner(s) do the same. Embarrassing or what! Like many things in life, with practice and familiarity we can get it right. Whether you’re learning to drive, using a computer, or putting in your first set of contact lenses, the experience is often uncomfortable or daunting at first. Douching for the first time is no different. Quite apart from cleaning you out, douching is a good way for you to get to know your butt, how it feels and works. Whilst waste can be unpleasant to some people, douching helps to put it into perspective and over time it becomes little more than an occupational hazard. Putting water inside you butt triggers your sphincter muscles to relax, letting out the water and the waste. Although never foolproof, douching makes fucking, heavy lingering, using dildos and in particular fisting, much cleaner.

Douching by itself can cause irritation as the water washes away friendly bacteria and a protective mucus lining the inside of your butt. Rough or careless douching technique can bruise the wall of your butt and breaks in the surface are more susceptible to infections, which can be difficult and unpleasant to treat. Furthermore, if your butt is damaged, this can provide a way into the body for cum, blood, piss and waste, possibly infected with HIV and other STD’s. You can minimise these risks with good technique, and by maintaining your douche equipment.

There are three types of douche equipment. Whichever method you use, the principle remains the same: you’re clearing yourself out with water: (shower or tap) hose attachments which produces the most consistent supply of water and allows you to control the pressure; gravity feed douches which depends on gravity to take the water into your butt; and bulb syringe douches that offers a handy and ever so portable alternative to the other two methods but which relies on you to pump the water inside.

HOW FAR TO DOUCHE & STAYING CLEAN

What you want to do sexually usually determines how far you’ll want to douche and the further up you douche the longer you’ll remain clean. Douching to the depth you require comes with practice. Factors to consider are how far up you put the nozzle, the amount and pressure of water and how long you keep the water inside before releasing it. You have sphincter muscles above and below the rectum and you need to bear in mind that there is sometimes waste above both of them. When douching the rectum, the nozzle or the build-up of water can accidentally stimulate the top sphincter muscle, which may relax and let a dump of waste down from the sigmoid colon. This often means that you have to douche again. What was to be a 10-15 minute douche now takes much longer as you have to wash out the area above the top muscle as well as the rectum. However with practice, you will improve your muscle control and sense how long your douche will take.

It’s difficult to gauge how long you’ll remain clean. Factors to take into consideration include what and when you last ate, to what extent you’ve douched and whether you have any diarrhoea, irritation or infection. For example, if you eat after douching, your digestive system, like a conveyer belt, moves everything along and this is likely to affect the time you’ll stay clean. All things being equal - if you douche lightly you should be all right for 2-4 hours, with a deeper douche 4-6 hours, often longer. Apart from the discomfort of having sex after a big meal, eating after douching will reduce the time you remain clean. You also need to remember that occasional muscle reflexes from the rectum to the stomach and small intestine can cause symptoms such as tummy upset and cramps which also speeds the food towards the rectum.

HOSE (BATH & SHOWER) ATTACHMENTS

Using a hose attachment is an effective way to clear out the rectum and, if you want to go further, the sigmoid colon and further up. A hose attachment with a continuous stream of water is more likely to accomplish this than gravity or bulb syringe douches which uses less water, pumped in manually.

You attach one end of the hose to the shower or bath/sink tap, and slide the nozzle end up your butt, making sure that the water pressure and temperature are correct. This type of douche (or direct plumbing hook-up) runs the risk of unexpected changes, which can be uncomfortable or even dangerous. Gauging the correct pressure comes with practice but as a guide: turn the head of water upward like a fountain - it should be no more than 1-2 inches (2-5cm) high. Some hot water systems are not able to provide warm water at this low rate of flow and the only way you’ll get water at the right temperature is with a higher fountain. Just be careful. If the water pressure’s too high, this is the classic way to perforate or 'puncture’ the wall of your rectum or colon. This is not that common but it does happen and monitoring flow and temperature will significantly reduce any risks. However, a hose is more likely to wash away the protective mucus lining your butt than a gravity or bulb syringe douche. Any infections taken into your rectum or already present can be taken further up where it can be difficult to treat. Again, anecdotal evidence suggests that this is not common but, it does happen and good hygiene will significantly reduce any risks.

GRAVITY DOUCHE

This method is slower but some believe safer. Douche kits of this type usually consist of a plastic 3-4 pint (2 litre) bag, a 3 foot (1 metre) tube, a 5-6 inch (12cm) nozzle and a small on/off tap to control the flow. The bag is filled with water and hung about 5-6 feet (2 metres) above the toilet. The water pressure increases, the higher you raise the bag. Gravity carries the water down the tube into your rectum through the nozzle that you put up your butt. The tap is used to control the flow. One bag of water may not be enough; to avoid running out, an extra jug of water is handy. As a rough guide, it takes about 10-20 minutes, perhaps longer, particularly if your waste is loose. Gravity feed douches will clear out the rectum and sigmoid colon and can be a better option if you want to douche beyond. This is because the flow of water is gentler and allows the douche to go further up the colon before the muscles react. Hose attachments are more likely to stimulate your sphincter muscles making them react and releasing the water before it can flow beyond the sigmoid colon.

BULB SYRINGE DOUCHE

If you don’t have facilities to use a hose or gravity feed douche, a bulb syringe is a practical alternative. The size of a bulb syringe douche will restrict how far you can douche. They are used to clear out the bottom part of the rectum, although larger ones will clear out the rectum fully. This method can, but is unlikely to, reach and clear out your sigmoid colon. The equipment consists of bulb-shaped container made of rubber and a plastic or rubbery nozzle that you either screw on or push into the top. They vary in size holding between 125-250ml (3-8fl oz). You fill the bulb with water, insert the nozzle up your butt and squeeze the bulb to pump the water into your rectum.

WHAT TO DO

If you’re new to douching, above all: be gentle and feel your way. Take your time and never rush. The following information and tips are an ideal. With practice and time you’ll adapt them to suit your own needs. Their aim is to ensure that you do the job as well as possible and reduce the risk of complications or infection to an absolute minimum.

First of all, try and go to the bathroom naturally before douching, then decide where you’re going to douche. The bathroom / toilet is usually the best place but wherever you do it remember that pushing lumps of waste down a shower or bath plughole is messy, not much fun, and can upset hotel staff, roommates or your mother!

When you’re ready to start, wash your hands thoroughly. You may wish to lock the door (unless you want someone to watch). A towel within easy reach is often useful
Using lukewarm water will make douching easier and more comfortable. Make sure metal douche nozzles are warm. Using cold water is like throwing your butt into a freezer - it clamps up and can send you into shock. Let the water run through for a few seconds to make sure it is at the correct pressure and temperature

Smearing a little lubricant on the inside of the entrance of your butt and on the nozzle end will help it slip inside. (As you continue to douche you might need to re-lube the nozzle)
Relax your sphincter muscles and gently slide the nozzle up into your butthole, this usually varies between 3-5 inches (7-12cm). Then, without straining, close your sphincter muscles (to help keep the water inside). As you feel your rectum filling with water, you’ll feel the urge to push and empty yourself. Try to take in as much water as you can comfortably, but never strain to keep the water inside. Relax your sphincter muscles to let out the water and any waste. Take in more water to repeat the process until you’re flushing out clear water

You will probably need to hold the nozzle in place with your hand while you’re douching. When you let the water and waste out, your hand is very likely to come into direct contact with it. This may come as a bit of a shock to you but however, unpleasant as it may seem, waste is nothing more than the remains of digested food. (And if you enjoy rimming - then you should have nothing to complain about)

If you rush douching by perhaps thrusting the nozzle inside or banging it against a sphincter muscle, your butt will register the pain, and tighten up or prematurely empty out the water and waste. These spasms or cramps may mean you may experience some discomfort but this is not so much dangerous as unpleasant. Your muscles usually settle down after a few minutes. As was said earlier, the answer is usually very simple: be gentle and take your time. With care and practice, you should be able to manipulate the water to get into those little unseen nooks and crannies. 

Each person’s butt is different but as a rough guide it can take 5-10 flushes to clear yourself out depending on how much waste there is inside you, its consistency, and your muscle control. When you’ve finished you may feel that there’s some water caught inside. Be careful for a while afterwards, as there’s nothing worse than dumping a load of douche water on the floor or on the bus! You may feel the need to get rid of the water, but remember that your colon is an expert in absorbing water back into the body. Within 10-20 minutes or so you will probably feel okay, but you may want to piss. Remember that douching is never foolproof. Sometimes you can clean yourself out and then find yourself wanting to waste ten minutes later. There will be other times when you’ll remain clean longer than you anticipated. Practice and experience are your best guides.

KEEPING DOUCHE EQUIPMENT CLEAN

Ideally, clean your equipment before and after use. Wash it in hot soapy water. If the equipment is being shared, flush it through with a one-part bleach to ten parts water (1:10) solution. Rinse it thoroughly with water or the next time you use the equipment you may flush soap or bleach residues into your butt (not very clever). Ensure that your douche equipment is in good condition and free of nicks or cracks where infections may lurk in wait. Some people will flush the equipment through with a bleach solution just to make extra sure it is free of infection. However, this can damage and 'rot’ some rubber douches. You can also boil metal douches, but remember to let it cool down again before use!

ETIQUETTE

As a host (if you’ve taken someone back), you have a responsibility to ensure that a guest knows where to douche, and what they should and shouldn’t use by way of bathroom douche and shower utensils. (Remember to provide clean towels). As a guest (if you’ve been taken back), you have a responsibility to make sure you know where you can douche, and what facilities you can and can’t use.

FISTING

Some of us get turned on by taking as much of a hand as far inside the butt as possible. Practice is the name of the game and almost everyone can accommodate at least a few fingers. To get a fist in and out safety does require more effort time and concentration on the part of both partners. In this chapter the term 'fister’ has been used for the person giving the fist, 'fistee’ the person receiving.

While there are obvious benefits to fisting with an experienced partner, learning with another novice can be just as safe and horny. It’s advisable to take some time to get to know each other, and to try and discover each other’s fantasies. Whatever happens it is important for both of you - but particularly the fistee - that you feel relaxed and comfortable. Foreplay should never be underestimated in helping develop a sense of rapport, trust and humour. Codes or 'stop/start rules’ are essential and should be agreed beforehand. 'Stop’ from a fistee means stop immediately and 'out’ means out albeit, very slowly and with extreme care. The important thing is to talk about what you want and not to assume or guess.

If you fist beyond the rectum you may encounter several problems, and complications are more likely to occur. There are no receptors to register pain above the rectum. Perforations and subsequent bleeding can go unnoticed for several hours. You’re more inclined to press against and bruise other body organs. You may damage the upper sphincter muscle so that it doesn’t close property (but still has to regulate waste passing between the sigmoid colon and rectum) which can result in leaks or wasting yourself.

TRUST

If a person allows you deep into their body, they are putting a tremendous amount of trust in you. Be extremely gentle and careful and take all movement slowly. Sudden movements can be very painful. Never do anything that could tear or injure. The more you go in, the more you might find yourself pressing against your partner’s organs, so take great care. If the fistee wants you to be up there, he will be encouraging you.

THE FISTER

First, if you’re into controlling others in sex or if your trip is power, then don’t fist unless it is part of an agreed scene. An experienced fister knows that such control is a fantasy. When you’re buried inside someone else, it is the fistee that allows you the privilege of being there. They are putting trust in you that you will respect their vulnerability and together create a combined energy that neither of you could ever create on your own. A good fister is totally focused on the needs of the fistee and is aware that each partner is different physically and mentally. There is no one best way to do anything and using a particular technique on one person may not work on another.

ENTRY

Before you start, choose which hand you’re going to use. A combination of fisting and then wanking with the same hand could increase the risk of infections both ways. Remove all rings, jewellery or sharp objects, which may cause damage or just get lost! If you are going to fist 'bareback’ i.e without gloves then check to make sure your fingernails are cut short so as to not tear the lining of the rectum. If you do have cuts or 'hangnails’ then it would be advisable to wear gloves. Cover your entire hand and partner’s butthole with a generous coating of lubricant. The kind of lubricant depends on your personal preference. Then slowly press in and out with one finger. When there is no resistance, increase to two. Try using just a thumb, using its base to broaden the opening further, and twisting slowly. When your partner is ready, gently work in three fingers until you find yourself to the knuckles. Each time you come out add more lubricant making sure there’s lubricant ahead of you. This will prevent drying out which can cause major discomfort for both of you. Initial opening up is often a slow process.

Never rush, savour the moment and take your time. Do not assume that gaining entrance (past your knuckles) to the rectum will be quick and easy. It is often the greatest challenge for fisters and the most likely point when inexperienced fistees will want to have a break or stop altogether. Before gaining full entry into the rectum, find an angle of approach that fists most comfortably and try to avoid pushing against any bony structure.

Often the most sensuous moment of the session is the gentle slide of your hand into the cavity. Enter as slowly as possible, allowing your partner to savour the moment. Once inside, rest a few seconds until your partner’s body has had time to adjust. To confirm adequate relaxation, it may be appropriate to come out completely, slowly and carefully, and re-enter again. Above all, be sensitive to the needs of your partner and you’ll know what to do when you get there. Your hand is now situated in your partner’s rectum, which is about 8-10 inches (20-25cm) deep and will expand on stretching. Having entered the rectum you should curve your fingers to make a fist with your thumb inside, although practice will provide variations on this. Once you’ve settled inside, a gentle in-and-out motion (without pulling out of the cavity) will usually help your partner relax. Taking cues from your partner, allow yourself to be subtly creative, changing the speed, twist and depth.

As you gently work yourself inside, allow your hand to slowly open. Then go slowly - and gently - feeling your way deeper into the passage. Your partner will probably let you know with groans and moans whether to proceed or stay right where you are. Also he will tell you when it’s time for a break perhaps having cum, sensed impending soreness, reached exhaustion or just a need to rest from the overwhelming experience and emotion. Sometimes you’ll be the one who initiates the break, realising that your partner is overdoing it or that your hand is getting dry. Sometimes, you will reach orgasm or just run out of energy. Your break may be for a few seconds or may signal a major rest period, or perhaps your partner may have had just enough for that session. As you become more experienced with each other, fisters will be able to gauge how much the fistee can take in a session. A thoughtful fistee will also make sure to see to their partner’s needs.

THE FISTEE

In theory, almost anyone can take a hand inside the rectum although few people have the ability to relax enough to do it easily or at will. The technique is about learning to relax and let go rather than stretching the anal canal - allowing your butt muscles to accept entrance from the outside with the same ease they should be allowing release from the inside.

PRACTICE

You can loosen up by using increasingly larger dildos and butt-plugs. A more effective way is to increase control of your sphincter muscles by exploring your butt with your own fingers, (clean and lubed of course). Once again - practice is the name of the game. Explore gently, see how this part of your body reacts to deep breathing or thoughts of fear and relaxation. Remember. Go slowly, take your time and don’t push; it’s not a race or competition. If your butt feels threatened or attacked it will react in fear, and tighten up. (As mentioned earlier, douching will help familiarise yourself with your butt - getting a sense of where things are and their dimensions). With greater control dildos and butt-plugs will be more pleasurable and give you experience in stretching and taking more and more inside you. A fistee needs to remain relaxed, which is helped by practice. Breathing deeply, rather than holding your breath, will often help. You should be pulling or willing your partner in so that there’s no need to push. Sometimes briefly pushing out as if going to the bathroom, then pulling in can make a difference.

As a fistee you have a responsibility to let your partner know you’re okay. You should also be aware that your partner may need a break and has needs of his own, which a considerate fistee will attempt to meet. If you sense or feel discomfort or have pain tell your partner to slow down, take a break or stop. It’s your body - if it’s telling you something: listen. Pain could mean that you’re going to be sore later or hurt. More importantly, if your partner isn’t listening or thinks they know better question whether they’re suitable and maybe suggest they take their frustrations elsewhere. Ultimately, it is trust - the absence of fear - that not only makes taking a hand possible but makes it the great experience it can be. You also have a responsibility to let your partner know when it’s feeling good. Support them all you can: maybe talk, moan or groan, or if you can touch him respond to movements you can feel inside.

BLOOD SORENESS PAIN & DAMAGE

A little soreness is common and usually goes away in an hour or so and it may also indicate that your partner went in or came out a bit too fast. The most common feeling is that your butt feels like it is purring (A la Eartha Kitt). Sometimes air will have worked its way into the system but this will feel no different from standard gas pain and will work its way through in time. Once the prostate and bladder have been stimulated, it’s also common to feel the need to piss afterwards and often not be able to do so easily. As stated earlier, there are risks associated with fisting and damage can happen and can include perforations or holes in your lower intestine. These may be little (or not so little) fissures or splits or can range from bleeding to a prolapsed rectum requiring surgery. You should not underestimate any of these problems or complications. This is usually as a result of the fister being unnecessarily rough or the fistee being too drugged up to recognise their limitations. A tear or perforation may not be noticed for an hour or two. Internal pain (that often increases over time) and or undiluted blood is an indication of damage. Douching after a session is not a good idea as this can aggravate any minor cuts or abrasions. In the remote possibility that there are minute perforations or tears, douching is likely to make them more severe.

Don’t hesitate to seek medical help immediately. Try not to be embarrassed or apologetic if you have to go to an Accident and Emergency Department. Although hospital staff may think what you’ve done is strange, they should deal with you professionally and will have very possibly seen it all before. If you have perforated your bowel going to hospital can save your life.

FEELING SICK DROWSINESS & FOOD

After your session, you may feel the need to push out the lube and any mucus, and this is not unnatural, given what you have just been doing. Take your time, and don’t strain. You may also feel sick, drowsy or perhaps a little confused. Between heavy breathing, smoke from candles, incense, cigarettes, and using poppers or other drugs you may have used up much of the oxygen in the room. All you might need is to open the windows or go for a short walk. Alternatively, you may just want to sleep! You may also feel hungry, so if you can, plan ahead and have something easy to make or ready made. Even if you don’t have the munchies, make sure you drink lots of non-alcoholic fluids.

PROTECTION

(Condoms gloves and lubricants )

While many of us know how to protect ourselves, some of us have taken the decision not to, and the reasons for this are varied and complex. Knowledge about HIV, the assumptions we make about others, the trust we place in our partner(s), knowing one’s status, how we feel about ourselves, feeling horny, and being in love - all play a part in the decisions we take, whether we realise it or not. When we don’t protect ourselves, finding out why, dealing with guilt or simply talking about it is not easy. 'Bareback’ sex (fucking without condoms) is something that I am not going to get into on these pages, sufficed to say, that those who do it, do it for their own reasons, and provided all those concerned are in possession of the facts about each other’s status (HIV/HBV etc.) and are happy to continue knowing the risks, then that is their decision. There are those more capable and qualified to provide the support and education needed.

However, we learn to live with the implications of the decisions we make. Talking with friends is not the answer, and ultimately we must decide for ourselves what risks we’re prepared to take, but it may be helpful. There are an increasing number of services specifically for gay men that can support us to make intelligent, well-informed decisions about our sexual health, and they are not there simply to tell us to 'practise safer sex!’

HIV & STD’S

For there to be a risk from HIV infection three things have to happen:

HIV has to be in pre-cum, cum or blood, but since we invariably don’t know if a person’s body fluids are infected with HIV, we should always assume that they are. Piss, waste and saliva are okay by themselves (although they might carry the risk of other STD’s) but are also a risk of HIV infection if they are mixed with cum, pre-cum or blood
There has to be a way (or route) for the virus to get into the bloodstream, like broken skin, a nick or cut, a sore, or a wound. Although we might think that no route exists, it’s impossible to check out the inside of your butt or be certain that our hands are in good condition.
Something has to happen (or an activity) involving 1 and 2. Using dildos, fucking, or fisting would be three examples of activities where pre-cum, cum or blood could present a risk of infection
In addition to HIV there is the risk of other sexually transmitted diseases. These include: the hepatitis viruses (which can fuck up your liver), gonorrhoea (which can be like pissing jagged razor blades), and syphilis (with painless sores that, if left untreated, can lead to more severe health problems). Last, but by no means least, there is herpes and warts. In the earlier stages, many of these STDs can have few or no symptoms so regular check-ups are essential.

RUBBER

The basic component of condoms and most gloves is rubber, This is made from latex, a naturally occurring product, which is obtained from a few tropical and non-tropical plants as a milky juice by carefully peeling back the bark of the tree. The main source is the rubber tree, which grows up to 30 metres tall. Initially it was found in the jungles of Malaysia where rubber was already known to Maya culture; but it was only with the invention of vulcanisation (and no it has nothing to do with Mr.Spock!), a process developed by Goodyear in the late 1830’s, that 'rubber’ was born. Adding particles of sulphur to rubber produces an increase in the strength and a reduction in elasticity (stretchiness), which can be used as required for the manufacture of soft or hard rubber. Today, condom and glove production uses a large number of additives in order to accelerate the process and dictate the product’s texture, strength and elasticity.

RUBBER (LATEX) GLOVES

Not everyone uses gloves for fisting. Some people find that wearing them defeats the object, that it’s physical closeness of 'naked’ hand against butt mixed with the intensity of the scene - which turns both partners on and plays a major part in completing the experience. It is generally accepted that if your hands and fingers are in good condition the risk of HIV is relatively low. However, you will reduce the risk further by wearing gloves and if you feel safer wearing them - use them. Wearing gloves creates a barrier between infections (present in blood, cum, piss and waste) and routes into your bloodstream (like cuts, sores, abrasions, broken skin and wounds). It also means that a soiled-gloved hand can be pulled off, turned inside out and disposed of easily.

Some clinics give away gloves but you will probably have to ask for them. You can buy them in shops; unfortunately you will often find that retailers have bought them in bulk, split them into pairs and are knocking them out at vastly inflated prices. Whether gloves come individually, in pairs or in bulk (boxes of 50 or 100), the standards to which they have been made should be clearly visible, Gloves should meet the International ISO 9002 or British Standard BS4005. 1995 also saw the arrival of the CE European Standard. If you don’t see these standards you should ask if they are medical grade A examination gloves, (not to be confused with grade B gloves which are for non-clinical use).

You should remove all rings, jewellery or sharp objects before putting on gloves which should fit snugly. The chart should help you decide the best size for you. Obviously, the better they fit - the more you will be able to feel. Generally, gloves covering your hands to the wrist are suitable although some brands have longer cuffs. Some gloves come pre-powdered which can make them easier to put on, but the powder can irritate the butt if it gets inside. Veterinary (calving) gloves can be used for fisting although you may find that they restrict your hand and finger movements, and sense of touch.

CONDOMS

In the past, condoms have been made out of all sorts of materials including oiled paper, linen or animal gut. Up until the 1930’s rubber condoms were thick, washable and reusable. However, the development of latex in the later 1930’s meant that thinner, disposable condoms could be produced. These were more sensitive than their predecessors and have guaranteed manufacturers more regular incomes! There are now plastic condoms on the market (made of the same material as Femidoms), the most easily available and well known one is called Avanti manufactured by Durex. These newer condoms are 'oil friendly’, so if you wanted to use an oil based lube for fisting and then fuck afterwards, these ones are ok to use.

SHAPES SIZES LUBRICANTS & FLAVOURS

Different shaped condoms are designed for different shaped peniss, so experiment. Most come in two widths 49mm and 52mm and in a variety of shapes: ribbed, straight, plain ended, flared and contoured. Most condoms are lubricated with sensitol, nonoxynol 9 or another spermicide. There are also flavoured and dry condoms can be used for sucking but which are not really recommended for fucking.

STRONGER CONDOMS

Obviously thicker condoms will lessen the sensitivity of the penis. If this is a problem for you, try using one of the thinner brands of condoms along with plenty of water-based lubricant but check it regularly while you’re fucking, as there may be a greater chance of the condom tearing. Also, a drop of water-based lubricant in the condom (or placed on the end of your penis) before rolling it on may increase sensitivity. Although thicker condoms offer better protection under ideal circumstances, the benefits are probably outweighed if your dick is so desensitised that you have to shunt about for hours on end like an inter-city 125 before you can come. (If you do tend to cum too quickly - a thicker condom may help delay your orgasm). Some manufacturers are at pains to point out that their condoms are only tested for use in vaginal intercourse although recent years has seen the arrival of 'stronger’ (thicker) condoms like HT Specials and Gay Safe which exceed current testing standards. While there is some truth in the idea that thicker = stronger = safer, this has been at the expense of emphasising the need for good condom technique and the correct lubricant. What protection is a super strong condom going to offer you if you are unable to use it properly or use an oil-based lube? There are two reasons why condoms fail: product failure (something was wrong with the condom when it was made) and user failure (when people haven’t followed the instructions properly). Trials (Involving vaginal intercourse) over several years have shown that condoms are very effective for regular users. It’s unfamiliarity and poor technique, which can cause problems.

STANDARDS

It is widely accepted that condoms should meet BS3704 (British) or IS04074 (International) condom and testing standards. You should be able to find this on the condom box or wrapper. However, the European CE standard is playing an increasing role in setting (what many believe to be) higher standards. Some brands claim to exceed BS3704 or IS04074. They might, and (if they do) the claim isn’t illegal. However, it isn’t a guarantee of quality and could just mean that at some time, some samples of that brand surpassed the test requirements.

CONDOMS FOR FUCKING

Check the expiration date on the condom box or wrapper and ensure that they conform to the recommended standard.

Make sure there is more than one condom on hand and a condom-compatible lubricant. Some tissues or a towel may also be useful.

If you’re getting fucked, make sure your butt is well lubricated. Place some on a finger or two and start to work it up your butt. Make sure it’s spread up and around. The more relaxed the butthole is, the more pleasure you should both get and the condom is less likely to split.

A torn condom is a useless condom, so be careful with sharp/jagged fingernails, teeth or jewellery etc.
Open the condom wrapper carefully, being careful not to tear the condom in the process. If you have already been using lubricant this can be difficult which is why some people use their teeth. You could also use the towel to wipe your hands before attempting to open the wrapper

Before you put the condom on your penis it should be hard and stiff. The harder your penis is, the easier this is to do. If you have a foreskin it will have usually pulled itself back, if not gently pull it back.

With your thumb and forefinger squeeze the teat end of the condom to get rid of the air, before rolling it all the way down the shaft of your penis. This will make room for the cum.

If your penis goes soft at this point - work up some steam and put it on later using a new condom.
Unless otherwise agreed, ask your partner if he’s ready before putting your penis up his butt. Then off you go. While you’re fucking - you should check regularly to see that the condom is still in place, or has not split or torn.

When you’ve finished, hold the condom at the base of your penis before pulling out so you don’t lose it. Tie a knot in it to stop anything dribbling out. Wrap it up in some tissue or paper towel and throw it in the garbage. (Don’t put it down the toilet it will only bob back up).

LUBRICANTS

There are three main types of lubricants: oil-based, water-based, and silicone lubricants. these are condom and glove compatible, but have the consistency of oil-based lubricants. Depending on what you want to do, you need to know which lubricant to use, and whether it contains a spermicide, e.g. nonoxynol9.In one way, oil-based and water-based lubricants behave similarly in that they reduce the friction between whatever is going into your butt and the butt lining. However, you need the right amount of lubricant to do the job. Too much - and the practicalities of what you’re trying to do can become difficult. Too little - and you cause discomfort and pain (to both partners) and run the risk of damaging the condom, the butt, or both.

Water-based lubricants dry up because your intestine absorbs the lubricant’s water content back into the body leaving a useless sticky residue. Insufficient lubricant increases friction and is a major factor in condoms tearing or causing damage to the lining of your butt. In fisting particularly, it’s essential but not necessarily easy, to come out for more lubricant.

Oil-based lubricants don’t dry up because your intestine is not capable of absorbing any of its components back into your body. It therefore stays there, goes further and lasts longer but this in itself can cause problems. Your lower intestine down to your butthole is now a bob sleigh-run and any waste left can shoot out at a moment’s notice! If you’re intofisting or larger than avaerage dildos, then oil-based lubes are generally a better option. If you have a fist up a partner’s butt, a comment like 'excuse me I’ve just got to pop out for some more lube’, doesn’t go down well. However, oil-based lubricants are not latex friendly, some would argue render them virtually useless, and so increase the risk of HIV/STD transmission. If you’re going to fuck as well, either use a water-based lube, condom compatible lubricant, or one of the new plastic condoms or maybe even try a female condom.

Silicone based lubricants are kind of the best of both worlds, tend NOT to wash off in the shower or bath. They are compatible with almost any toy, condom, or glove. They are slippery as anything, and don’t require as much as the other types, though you still will need to make sure to use enough. Remember, safety, health, and comfort are paramount, and will result in the pleasure you are looking for.

I am not a medical professional. The information provided here is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any condition. It is not intended to be a comprehensive reference to conducting any activity. This is strictly presented to help people get on the right path to conducting themselves in a safe manner, to have a basic understanding for when asking a medical professional about these type of activities, and to guide people with their own research on how to conduct themselves safely, and without harming others. If anyone has further questions about the information here, I would urge you to get the advice of a medical doctor or other medical professional. Your health and safety are your own responsibility, and I take no responsibility for the health or safety or actions of anyone using or misusing the content here. The content here is not mine to claim, and has been compiled and researched from many sources over many years.

Lastly, I not an english major, or a professional editor or writer; Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors in this content. I am simply trying to share information I have found to help people be more safe and educated so they can make their own decisions.

A Considerate, Courteous And Courtly Sadist

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Anonymous: Despite your sadism, you come across as a considerate, courteous and even courtly individual. I'm not sure I'd be able to reconcile those aspects in me if I had them. If you don't mind my asking, how does one do that?

Unknown Author:

Thank you for the observation.  I had not thought of this dichotomy as somehow being contradictory.  To me, it is simply a matter of accepting who and what I am and living accordingly.

It seems to me, though, that we all have such dichotomies. I have a friend who has a slapstick, silly sense of humor that seems to always be in the forefront.  Yet, he is also one of the most serious and profound thinkers I know.  I know of others who seem to be intensely rational, always leading with their minds. But they also have very deep feelings which come out at times and even overwhelm them for periods at a time.

So, I am not sure there is any contrariness, much less contradiction, to being sadistic, even intensely so as I am, and also being considerate, courteous and courtly.  Just different aspects of my personality and person, each of which I hopefully express at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way.

I should add, though.  When I was young I was not as accepting of my sadism as i am now and wondered if there was something wrong with me that I not only enjoyed but was sexually aroused by hurting another man.  It took me some time, but I came to peace with it and accepted who I am.

In many ways, it was similar to coming to peace with my homosexuality, but accepting the sadism was harder.

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Papa Tony:

I have always had hardcore sadism inside of me.  I call it the Dragon, and it needs to be let out once in a while.  I can choose to be a bad man and hurt people emotionally, physically and sexually without any consideration for how it affects others.

Or, I can choose to be an ethical sadist.

I live my life every day, endeavoring to be an honorable, lovable, respectable and authentically good man.  I ONLY let the Beast out to play when it is with someone who will thank me afterward.

It's no more complicated than that.

Three Rules To Keep In Mind.

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Anonymous asked : Daddy fuck my brains out

Daddy's Dirty Thoughts:

Rule one: Remember to be respectful and polite when asking Daddy for something. The way to ask is “Please Daddy, fuck my brains out”. Don’t demand.

Rule two: remember that this belongs to me boy and I’ll use it as I see fit. Are we clear?

Rule three: When and IF I decide to grant your request, it will be as I see fit. It’s not up for discussion.



I know you need this. You don’t have to tell me. I can tell from your face that you’ve been waiting and it feels like its been your whole life.



So don’t worry boy. When it’s time we will both get what we want.

Etiquette in Kinkster Circles

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Alexander Martin:

I imagine a lot of men will skip past this post, but etiquette in kinkster circles is important because every alpha I’ve ever known is big on respect. Point blank, you need to learn what is considered polite when dealing with fellow kinksters. If you’ve found the alpha of your dreams and he’s talking and interested you don’t want to lose him because you said something rude without realizing it or without thinking about it. While you may not always know why an alpha went silent on you, reading through what’s below should at least help eliminate behavior as a cause.

In general:

- Remember you are here to SERVE: You are serving an alpha. That means your focus should be on him. When I hear “What would you do to me?” That’s a real fast turn off. It implies that you’re here to jack off or that you’re focused on what you’ll get out of it. I have spoken to a number of subs who assure me this is just so they know what they’re in for. Fine, I’m sure that’s true for some folks out there, but try this instead. First, have a conversation with the dominant, get to know him, and be attentive to him. Much later in the conversation if you’re sure you want to play, ask him “what are play sessions like with you generally?” There is no reference to self in this question but it still gets the information you want.

- Learn someone’s title and use it: If you meet someone for the first time and their preferred title is not apparent, then introduce yourself and use your preferred title, and then ask for theirs.

Example:

“Hi! I’m sub Ethan! What do you like to be called?”

“Hi, I’m faggot Sebastian! How may I address you?”

Titles are usually pretty personal and at minimum it lets you ask why they chose that title to kick off a conversation.

- Be mindful of whom you taunt: Some men will taunt dominants to make them act in a more intense fashion. Some dominants enjoy that kind of mouthing off from submissives but me and others do not. As a dominant I have to maintain a large degree of self control to play safely and respect your limits and pain tolerance. You taunting me I feel is disrespectful and challenges my self control. I’d rather drop all the toys and walk away than I would engage in that kind of play. In short, do NOT engage in taunting with a dominant you do not know. Respect the fact that a first time play session is often about finding boundaries and exploring, do not expect that they’ll immediately jump into intense play but do be vocal about whether you’re enjoying it or not. Give constant feedback.

Online:

- Full profile: Have a full profile! That means face, body, ass and/or dick, pics of past play experiences, text about yourself and what you’re looking for. It is 2015, pics are mandatory get as many as you can and be sure they’re representative. Now, if you’re not out, well then it is ok to tell someone you’re not out, and offer to send a face pic once you’ve seen their face pic so you can be sure you’re not sending it to someone you know.

-Trading pics:

When you want to see someone else’s pics, offer up at least one of yourself first in addition to asking. Don’t wait to be asked, do it automatically as a courtesy. Because of guys who will ask to see your pics and automatically block me, i offer to exchange pics on a one to one ratio. I send a pic of whatever they send me. No one gets to see my dick unless they send me a their dick or ass first. That way if I’m going to be blocked i can at least see who was so inconsiderate to do that. Speaking of which, it’s ok to politely say ”Thanks so much for trading pics. I’m sorry, but it turns out we’re not a match after all. I wish you best of luck in your search.” and part ways amicably rather than blocking and coming off like a dick. Men talk, it’ll catch up to you eventually.

- If you say you will show up, show up: Everyone complains about flakes, so don’t be one. Never agree to show up if you have no intention of showing up or might not be able to make it. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t show. One of the amazing things about kink is that MOST fantasies can be realized!!! Don’t miss out jacking off at home and being sad when you had someone who wanted to play and you flaked out on them.

I’m also going to be honest and admit, early on that I too flaked on a few guys. The 3rd time it happened, I stopped and thought about why it was I hadn’t hooked up with him or the other two men who had contacted me and been interested. I realized that I was feeling rather neutral on each of them. They weren’t ugly, or rude, but nor was I especially aroused by them. I swore to myself that being aware of the cause I would fix that behavior. Now, when I am neutral on a boy, I don’t commit to meeting up unless something about him really grabs my attention.

Lastly, if something does come up unexpectedly and you really truly cannot make it. Explain what’s going on, admit it makes you sound like a flake, and then ask if it would be possible to schedule another time. If possible do it right then and there, be aggressive about narrowing down a day and a time to meet up that works for you both. When the day comes, send a short message just confirming you’re still on, and then show.

- Respond to messages: Some guys sign online and they have so many messages they can’t possibly respond to them all. MUST BE NICE ;)! For the rest of us, let’s be honest and polite with each other upfront. If someone takes the time to message (and they are not rude) you should respond because it’s what you’d want from someone you are into. When I’m disinterested in the person messaging me, I let them know. If I’m not digging them at all then I’ll write: “Sorry, but I’m afraid we’re not a match. Best of luck in your search :)!” If I don’t want to play, but they sound interesting: “I am sorry, but we’re not a match. I am still interested in speaking with you though if you’d like.” And include whatever it was in their profile that drew your attention. Worse comes to worse a new friendship with a fellow kinkster is a valuable thing. Keep in mind that many men don’t make it clear why exactly they’re messaging, even if you’re not into them they may have a question about a kink you enjoy or someone you know. Don’t jump the gun on rejecting anyone until you know they want sex and you don’t.

In the dungeon:

- DO NOT interrupt someone else’s scene: It is usually OK to watch quietly so long as you are not distracting the people playing. If you see someone doing something that is dangerous, find a dungeon monitor and ask them. It is a dungeon monitor’s job to step in if someone is behaving dangerously, not yours. Dungeon monitors often know the players pretty well and you might be surprised how at a glance someone’s scene and say “oh he’s done that 30 times its fine.”

- It’s OK to ask someone about their scene after they’re done: If someone did something particularly amazing in a scene, it is OK to ask if they would like to play with you. It’s also OK to ask about how they did what they did, or where they learned to do it. It’s sometimes OK to ask how they mitigate the dangers in what they do if you’re curious but tread carefully as some alphas have delicate egos and may take that question personally.