Anxiety in Dominants

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alphasubsnow:

I see a lot of posts about subs with anxiety and they make me think of anxiety in Doms. So I am going to talk about that a bit.

Background: I have a degree in psychology and I have worked in an anxiety clinic for two years. I can’t ever watch the movie High Anxiety because just the name makes me anxious.

So… Maybe there is this unconscious thing where anxiety gets associated with being a sub more than it does with being Dominant. In fact, it might even seem like some baseline bit of anxiety is natural for subs and that’s one of the things that submissives look to their D-types for help with. There is no doubt that a confident and caring Dominant can greatly reduce a subs anxieties about stuff. But…

Hey guys… Anxiety is natural for everyone. It’s not a sign of a submissive nature. D-types can struggle with anxiety and still be amazing Dominants. Despite what the stereotype of a D-type may be, there’s no proof that they are, on average, less anxious than submissives (but if you know of a study with evidence to the contrary please share it with me).

Anxious Dominants are not any less dominant. And submissives are not naturally the more anxious partner. Anxiety is normal. Some folks have more than a helpful amount of it. Some folks don’t. It’s a problem to attribute it more with one side of the slash. We risk attaching a negative stigma to it for D-types, and we risk associating poorer mental health with being a sub. Both of these things leads to less healthy people, relationships and communities.

Anxiety is part of life. There is no shame in it. We should all just love fiercely and bravely, and take care of each other.

hadriantemple:

This makes sense. One strategy for managing anxiety is a high degree of control over a situation. Anxiety sufferers often like rules and structure, two things that many doms also like.

Strength In Submission

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Anonymous asked: I’m a young male (early 20’s), in my personal and work life in very dominant, workout a lot, pretty well built, and masculine over all. But I love submitting and being fucked and used by men of all kinds, as long as their cocks are satisfied. I love and hate this about myself. But I find after serving tops and doms I’m extremely ashamed. I feel like I’m a weak man and that I’m worthless afterwards. Aftercare isn’t an issue but I don’t know what to do.
I feel that in every other aspect of life I’m an alpha male or at least feel and act like one, but once I’m in front of another man who wants me I’m completely submissive. I love it, I love being used by a man and pleasuring him, being his slut. But afterwards I’m extremely conflicted and ashamed, and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m not a real man.”

Alexander Martin:

I’m going to take some of the points in your message that stand out to me:
I feel that in every other aspect of life I’m an alpha male or at least feel and act like one
in my personal and work life in very dominant, workout a lot, pretty well built, and masculine over all. 

I love submitting and being fucked and used by men. I love and hate this about myself. 

I’m extremely conflicted and ashamed, and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m not a real man.

I’m extremely ashamed. I feel like I’m a weak man and that I’m worthless afterwards.

Let’s start with that first and second bullet points. You might be surprised to hear this, but what you mean when you say “alpha” and what anyone else says varies. Perhaps you mean that you present in a traditionally masculine fashion, with traditionally masculine interests, and your traditional masculinity is recognized, lauded and celebrated by those around you. Since you’re writing a kink blog for advice, you might even mean you feel dominant in that way outside of the bedroom.

If any of that is true… Well, let’s recognize that as a person with BDSM interests we’re already a departure of the norm. And doubly so for being gay. In day to day life, there are moments when I too have to be dominant and submissive in regular social interactions. I have to submit to my boss’ decisions, and I am dominant in a restaurant when ordering food. Even though I submit to social authority, that in no way dampens the dominance I feel in any other situation. So, what makes me a dominant then? It’s who I am if left to my own devices. I will decide any decision that needs making and my sex has always tended towards aggression and getting my way. In this same way, you are a submissive on the inside.

Looking at the third point. You even admit you love being fucked and used by men. The nature of the conflict is in who you think you’re supposed to be to be respected, and who you are on the inside. Perhaps you don’t see the strength in submission either for that matter. Do you know how lucky you are as a man (and yes you are very much a man my friend) to have found your bliss? I have known men (my father being one of them) who never truly found what they most enjoyed in the world and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Now that you’ve found it embrace it with all your heart. Be the very best submissive you can be! It will pay dividends when you stand beside a strong man who chose you as your own only when you chose him first. Someone who will make you weak in the knees and your cock gush like old faithful.

The fourth point. Your conflict likely stems from external validation you’ve received lifelong from being a masculine good-looking guy versus a new discovery about yourself. You’re afraid you’ll lose that external validation by being yourself. I gotta tell you though, as good as it feels to receive external validation, you need to have a balance. The strength within to feel assured in who you are by being in touch with that beautiful submissive soul on the inside, so that you can stand strong when you aren’t receiving the validation from the outside. I don’t know if your family or friends would approve of who you are but, in a way, it really doesn’t matter. We can’t change who we are. If we could I fear there would be a great many less submissives in the world and that would be a blow to the fabric of our community we dominants could not sustain. Find the courage to be boldly you.

Fifth point. As a submissive, you are a vital part of BDSM dominants cannot BE the amazing men they are without you to put their focus upon. How many people can say that they trust another so much as to allow themselves to be bound and believe in that dominant to care for you while using you for his pleasure? It takes a great deal of faith, trust, and inner strength to embrace the exhilaration of letting go.

In reading and answering these points I think you may feel a bit like an impostor. You present as a strong masculine man that anyone should want to be, but inside you are born to submit to men and you view those at odds. The truth is, both of those aspects are you to some extent or another. You couldn’t keep up the facade of being who you are for too terribly long. Either you would grow weary of the facade or you’d slip up. When you came out, it was to be yourself and not have to hide it any more. If… you can’t be yourself now… why did you come out at all? You can’t BE an impostor if all you’re trying to be is you. Don’t ever let anyone else define who you are. But if someone tells you about yourself and it feels like the truth… it is.

I sincerely hope that you were able to read through this beginning to end and find comfort in what I wrote. I hope that you’re able to come to peace with who you are and embrace the multifaceted and beautifully complex person that you are. It’s a shame to dull who you are for people that can’t appreciate you in your entirety. Best of luck. Let me know how life’s going.

Tips For Fitting-In With a Gay Men's Group

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I’d like to ask, how is the bear community or the gay community in general in regards to how welcoming they are and friendly? My area currently isn’t very welcoming and I’ve noticed a lot of cliques when it comes to groups and whatnot. I’ve been planning on moving eventually but I’d like to go to an area with a good, friendly, gay community.

Papa Tony:

I’ve been president of many, many clubs and affinity-groups over the decades. I have a few tips for getting past the usual indifference, gaining a foothold and fitting in.

ANY affinity-group has the potential to become a clique. I hate to see that. I have found that the new guy, the shy guy, the uncertain guy has the potential to be the one who adds value, and can even take over as leader/volunteer/star of that group some day. However, if he is never given a fair chance, then that possibility goes away, and everyone loses.

It would be GREAT if every group had somebody like me - a natural-born Julie the Cruise Director type. I see a new face, and I go toward them to thank them for showing up. I even give them tips on fitting-in as soon as possible, and then I introduce them around.

Fat lot of good that does YOU, living far away. Time for Plan B.

So, here are a few ways of cracking the shell of comfortable camaraderie that can be hard for a new guy to pierce.

- Find out who is/are the ringleaders/leaders. Who comes up with the plans that everybody else helps co-create?

- Once you find out, ask them questions... What events are coming up? How do I find out more? How can I help out?  These questions show a strong interest, and they set you apart in a really good way. Here is why…

The person in charge gets jaded after a while. This is inescapable. Everybody who shows up WANTS something. Pretty soon, the endless "I need, I need" just becomes background noise. That's part of the reason why it's hard to be taken seriously as a new face in the crowd. HOWEVER, when somebody says "How can I help?!?" then heads whip around in pleasure and surprise.

Doors swing open that are closed to most new people. You move closer to being on the inside. Folks start seeing you as a fully-formed person, rather than just as one more face that fades in, and then fades out, like so many that can drop away when nobody welcomes them.

Then, you are a lot more likely to get what you are looking for.

If all else fails, go with Plan C: Keep showing UP. Never miss an event. Sooner or later, folks will start to take you seriously. Wear 'em down. It's hard to find social gatherings in Real Life that get you the hell away from your computer screen. They are worth fighting for.