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bondagebudtx:
This is why I always like subbing. Domming is hard work!
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Master Domonic:
You’re off to a great start, by being communicative with your study buddy, before the session. Remain communicative during, as well. My sessions run from an hour and a half, to maybe three hours. Some go longer.
Once the guy arrives, I always take a few minutes to sit and talk, to go over a few things.
1) The first thing I tell the guy is thank you for being here, immediately followed by the “Don’t-Try-To-Impress-Me lecture.” I explain to him, “Once the session has started, do not try to impress me. I’m already impressed; right now. You’re here. You’re willing to try. You’re ready to trust me. So, trust me: I am impressed already.” I continue with, “so after we start, if something is pinching or biting or tingling, but you assume I’ll be annoyed that you’re whining—don’t impress me by saying nothing.” “If you hear your cell phone buzzing, and you need to check the messages, but you’re worried I’ll be impatient to untie you–don’t impress me by saying nothing.” “If something is taking you out of a good/fun/pleasureable place, don’t assume I’ll think less of you if you speak up–don’t impress me by toughing it out.” “Its your job to let me know if something is taking you out of a pleasurable head-space. Let me know if something is beginning to cross that line from pleasure, into a pain that is distracting you from the fun we’re having.” “Its my job to correct the problem; I’m not a mindreader; you’ve got to speak up and let me know if something is beginning to go in a wrong direction.”
There’s nothing the guy can say or do during a session that might lessen the respect I have for them. I’m thoroughly impressed by every guy that’s lent their trust to me for a few hours. When the guy shows up, and is ready, willing to try: I’m thoroughly impressed.
2) I give the guy his SAFE WORD(red) and his TIME-OUT WORD(yellow). I also show him my safety scissors; and place them at an easily accessible spot (window sill, counter top, my jeans back pocket) where they won’t be covered up by gear or ropes or shoes or socks, etc. He understands that if he calls RED, it means he’s panicked, scared, or in excruciating pain and I am to immediately cut the ropes and end that part of the session. I do not pause if he calls RED, to ask: whats wrong, are you ok? RED means STOP NOW. If he calls YELLOW I know there’s something that’s not going great, and he needs to let me know. YELLOW means: pause the session; discuss the isuse; adjust what’s not great; and resume the session. He can moan, groan, plead, struggle hard… if he’s not saying RED or YELLOW, its all music to me ears.
I do not attempt to push a guy until he calls RED or YELLOW. Those tools are in place to a) give him the confidence that he will be taken care of at any point the need may arise. And b) it allows me to not have to pause every 40 seconds to ask: are you ok? Are you ok now? How about now, are you ok? Is this OK? OK? OK? OK? Are you still OK?
Ok.
Because the guy has promised me he is busy NOT IMPRESSING ME, and I know he can use Yellow or Red if necessary; all of this allows me to move him along through the session, confident that he’s good with it.
3) I give the guy another tool we can use together: “The 1 to 10 Scale.” When I’m putting him through some CBT or Nip tease, or edging him with instructions–Do not cum yet, I explain that he is to use numbers to let me know how he’s holding up. If the intensity is mild, he can tell me he’s at a 1 or 2. If the intensity should suddenly spike up, he can let know by stating his nips are at a 7, or his balls just went to an 8. If he calls 9, this means he’s on the verge of calling RED, unless I ease him back.
Using the 1 to 10 system, at any point during the session he can communicate clearly how he’s holding up. He can tell me the hogtie has his shoulders at a 6….I’ll flop him on his side, and stroke his dick…”how are your shoulders now?” His mind is distracted… the shoulders are suddenly fine. Or if the ball stretcher has him at a 7, so in response, I’ll hang a weight to his nip clamps, and miracle of miracles, his balls are suddenly no problem.
When I’m edging him, he can call out numbers as he gets closer to cumming. A 7 or 8 means hes almost there. A 9 means if I don’t stop now, he can only hold it back a few seconds longer.
The “1 to 10 Scale” is invaluable for partners who are curious about bdsm, but don’t want to hurt each other. When they both understand the tied up sub can at any moment let his partner know if something is getting too intense by calling a number, it allows the dom partner to erotically “torment” his subby partner, with confidence. The dom is relieved to know he’s not going to hurt his sub, because the sub can give out numbers, 1 to 10, letting his dom know how he’s doing. Or if the sub is worried his dom partner is “clumsy” or too excitable to be trusted, the 1 to 10 scale can keep the overly zealous novice horny dom, in check.
4) Lastly there is my 15 Minute Rule. When the guy is in a tough position, working hard, I keep an eye on the clock. I don’t necessarily tell him this. But if his hear rate’s been up a while,, breathing hard,, balls sore, nips aching,,, I’ll give him relief from the stress. I’ll change his position. We’ll take a restroom break; sip some water. Or I’ll keep him restrained, but with no major challenges to contend with while he catches his breath and his heart rate can settle down. I can also ask him to “give me a number, 1 to 10, where are you at?”
I also can ask the guy, can you stay in this predicament 10 more minutes? If he’s busy NOT impressing me, he’ll answer truthfully. And once he knows this challenging situation isn’t going on forever; when he knows there’s an end in sight, he can relax and cope. Fear of the unknown is a buzz kill; in life; and in bdsm. A little suspense and surprise is hot.
Communicate before the session, and during. Demystify the experience.
