Tips for Healing After a Breakup

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empoweredsubmissive: I received a PM asking how to get over a Dom leaving a committed relationship.

This is such an important topic. Thank you for asking how I have healed. I’ll share what I know, what has helped me, and hope that it is helpful to you and many. Some are practical, some are symbolic, but they have all helped me.

*Know that it will get better. Doesn’t seem possible, but it will. It is a process that TAKES TIME.

*Be careful where you focus your attention. “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Learn that and use it, forever.

*Don’t trouble your mind with the what’s and why’s of his decision. This is sooo sooo difficult. As a submissive, our core is about pleasing our Dominant and we naturally assume blame belongs to us. But it doesn’t. He is just as, if not more, culpable. So, interrupt yourself when you start to blame yourself or figure out what happened in his mind - That takes energy away from YOU and doesn’t change the outcome. Plus, there is never any way you can know his mind with any certainty. YOU are what matters now. Remember, “Where focus goes….”

*Recognize that this pain IS more dynamic than the pain of a ‘vanilla’ breakup. The degree of trust and intimacy runs far deeper in BDSM, so does the pain.

*Grieve and take care of yourself. Cry, sleep, cry, eat, lots of water, cry. Stay far away from alcohol and sugar.

*Speak kindly to yourself – just as you would a child who is grieving. “Oh, sweetie, it hurts, I know it hurts….I know you are going to get through this.” “I know you are scared….” No “but’s” allowed in self-talk.

*Clear the space, especially the bedroom. Open windows, regardless of the temp.; light new candles; play upbeat music….wash the sheets OFTEN. Sounds silly, but the symbolic aspect of that is very helpful.

*Movement! Walks, dancing, aerobics class – just move.

*Write a letter to him. If you are inclined to send it, wait at least 3 weeks. (Making decisions when very mad or sad is ill-advised, at best.)

*Write down memories, pains, whatever you want onto small pieces of paper and then burn them, individually. Take a moment with each and then release it.

*Journal using paper and pencil – get those feelings out. Tapping keys on a keyboard is not the same.

*Create new patterns and rituals to replace those that existed within your relationship. Make sure they are things that promote your health and joy.

*Know that the people who love you want to help and don’t fault them for not understanding the depth of your pain. Ask them for what you need because they probably feel helpless.

I could go on and on, but these are my go-to’s.

I know the pain is crushing. It will lift. Hug yourself. Hugs from me to you.

Grieving, Part Two: Being Selfish For a While

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I’d love to hear any advice you have. I just feel weird. I’ve done my grieving and have for the most part leveled out into acceptable ranges I guess. I just miss him. And I won’t get him back. But I can still get the kind of things he provided as a Sir, but it feels like a betrayal. You spend so long dedicating that aspect of your life to someone, it’s hard to turn around and want it from someone else.

I love very freely, and I have a few other people that I share a relationship of one type or another with. My main partner was just as shocked and affected by my Sir’s passing, because he knew the affection I had for him. Even though they were just friends. We just finished the actual funeral for him and scattered his ashes where he had requested. I am a pretty death positive person. I find talking about death very important and it definitely helped to accept what happened and process it.

But… I feel kind of stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t really want another Sir right now. But I do want the things that a dom could give me. Like. Right now I want nothing more than to be tied up and teased for a while. Just so I can destress and work out everything. I think better when I am restrained, I find I can just let myself go, because I can’t get away or hurt anyone, myself included. But I wouldn’t want just anyone to do that… so. It feels like my ability to enjoy those things died with him and I don’t know what to do about that.

Papa Tony:

I understand, at least as well as I can from over here…

I honor your sense of honor and faithfulness. When you swore to have him as your only Sir, YOU GAVE YOUR WORD OF HONOR, which is where the conflict arises, as far as I can tell.

You appear to be like me: An Integrity Junkie. Once I give my word of honor, then you can take that to the BANK. My word is what represents me in the world, and if my word is no good, then I am not a good person.

There’s not a lot of FLEXIBILITY in that philosophy. In the early days of my career as an independent computer consultant, I was nearly incapable of letting go of difficult jobs that went sideways. I was obsessive, and it was holding me back.

I wanted to do a perfect, impeccable job. I still do, but I have had to grow up a bit more, so that I don’t take down the ship with my powerful force of will.

So, it needs to be said, young brother:

It’s time to be selfish, at least for a little while. It’s time to take care of YOU in a healthy way. I grew up in a household where the single WORST word in our family dictionary was “selfish.” When we were angry with each other, we’d sling that word around a lot. We were supposed to do good works in the world, selflessly.

It’s okay to put yourself at the TOP of the priority list, even if only briefly. For folks like you and me, we tend to live permanently at the bottom of our own priority-list. There are other folks out there who need our help!

Your Sir was playing with dynamite when he made you give your word to have HIM be your ONLY Sir, but he didn’t know it at the time. He might have thought that it was cute and sweet (I have no idea), but your innate sense of honor weaponized that exchange, and made it permanent.

The only person who can fix that is you.

It’s time for you to have a new conversation with your dearly departed Sir. It’s time to clear the air. Maybe not right now, but when you are ready. At the moment, your foot is nailed to the floor, and you’re going around around the same point, over and over.

Speaking as a coach, here is what I have had to do many times, when one of my relationship obsessions was tying me in knots…

• I’d get away from distractions. Away from Internet, phone, and other people. Ideally, out at a park with lots of privacy, sitting under a tree.

• I’d do some “Automatic Writing.” This is a delightful process of allowing any and all words to flow onto a paper notepad, without any preconceptions, or any editing. Don’t correct yourself. Just open yourself to the flow of words, even if they make no logical sense. Done properly, and with practice, it’s a direct pipeline to the subconscious. New concepts come bubbling up from underneath, surprising the conscious “you” with new information that you could not have predicted. Be open to that.

• Once I have warmed up with that exercise, then I focus my goals a bit more, and write down what I need to tell my loved one. ALL of it. All of my regrets, fears, disappointments, grief, pain, unfinished conversations and wishful thinking. Don’t try to make the words “pretty” with editing. Just let it flow outward. Think of the writing process as a “core dump” of everything that has not yet had a chance to be expressed. You’ve been emotionally constipated. Time to let GO.

• I keep going, writing until I run dry. Now is a very good time to cry.

• Then, I find a barbecue, or other safe place to burn something, like a fireplace. Bring some matches, and send the smoke of your heart’s words upward and outward. Give your pain to the universe, and be done, by making it a conscious gesture. It’s for your benefit, good man.

I MAY invite friends and witnesses and make it a small but meaningful ceremony. It’s not important to read to others what you have written, out loud. The point is to consciously use this opportunity to “un-stick” yourself, and do honor to your Sir by declaring that you will never, ever forget him, AND that you are now stepping into your next phase. Witnesses are great for these kinds of declarations.

You won’t ever forget him, and we both know that. Instead, you will lovingly hold him in your heart as you move through the phases of your life. You will find new love, and new Sirs, and succeed because you are a good and faithful boy. You’ve proven that.
October 16th, 2018 8:34pm

Death, Grieving, and Moving On

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My Sir passed away just recently, and I am a little bit lost. I am poly and have other relationships, but his only rule was he was my Only Sir. I miss what he could provide me and I am stressed from his passing. But I feel weird about wanting another Sir.  I don’t really do hook ups, especially with this. But I miss being tied up. And I ache for someone else to be in control for a while so I can just de-stress. But I can’t bear the thought of it being someone else. Any thoughts that might help me?

Papa Tony:

I feel for you, brother.  I truly do.  In all of the years that I have been lurking around gay kinky Tumblr, this will be the first time that I will have seen discussion of death, dying, and grief.  It’s an overdue topic.

I have had to deal with the death of loved ones as well.  Your loss is 100% valid, and worth focusing on.  My wish is that you have friends and loved ones who are there for you.  I care, brother.

I am not sure where you live, geographically, but in the USA, our prevailing culture does its best to distract us from the realities of life and death.  The LAST thing that I want to do is to share some stooopid, soothing platitudes.  They don’t help, and never have:

“Time Heals All Wounds.”  No, it doesn’t.  Grieving helps, so that eventually the sorrow doesn’t remain the primary focus of our lives.  Avoiding grief makes the pain’s intensity stay higher, longer.  In other words, now is the time to dive deep into the sadness.  You do honor to your Sir, and the times that you shared, by memorializing him.

“Your Sir Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad.”  Bullshit.  Imagine if the situation was reversed. You know that he would be just as devastated and lonely, in honor of your wonderful shared experiences, and the deep investment that you made in each other.

“He’s In A Better Place Now.”  Better than being with YOU?  I doubt that, and so do you.
I have had to seek out qualified help with grieving, because our culture is anti-grieving by design.  We shove death away from us, instead of helping each other to deal with the pain in healthy, compassionate ways.

Since you asked me specifically for help, please google the following phrase, followed by your own city and country:

Grief Recovery <your location>

I’m pretty certain that resources that can ACTUALLY HELP YOU exist in your area.  Even with professional help, it took me a full year of deep grieving before I was ready to start the next phase of my life.  Your results may vary.

Your love and respect for your Sir speaks well for your utterly valid relationship, no matter what anyone else thinks.  I honor the time that you had together.

I am sending you the warmest, sweetest embrace that I have, brother.

At some point, I request that you send me a few words about the good times that you and your Sir shared.  I ask that you bear witness to what happened, and why it meant so much to you.  I’d love to share that with the world, as a lasting memorial.

Update:  Further reading on this topic.