Let’s Talk About Safewords

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Lovemysub:

During a conversation with one of my partners, the beautiful and amazing @danipup , we realized that there were some things regarding safewords that a lot of people seem to not understand and that I hadn’t really written about previously. I’m going to rectify that now. This is in no way intended to be a complete list of topics related to safewords, and I invite anyone reading this to add to it anything they feel is relevant and not often discussed.

1. “No”, “stop”, and “red” are safewords in most contexts. Unless negotiated prior between the partners (for example, in CNC), there is no reason that any of these terms should be taken for anything other than what they are- the expression of one partner to stop the scene. These are, in fact, the most common safewords in BDSM. A safeword doesn’t have to be something like “monkey banana raffle”.

2. You can safeword any time you want. Period. Be willing to talk about it afterward, because the goal is to get you into a level of comfort where you are pushed and thrilled but you don’t get to a point where you need to use your safeword. But understand that you can always use it.

3. A safeword doesn’t always have to mean “shut down the scene”. The majority of the times I’ve seen safewords used, they are more of a “pause and adjust” than a full stop. An example would be safewording and saying “hey, this rope is too tight, we need to adjust it”, or “I feel uncomfortable with this one specific thing but the rest is good”. If all partners want to resume a scene after a safeword is used, that is absolutely fine.

4. As dominants, we’d rather you use your safeword than be hurt. Don’t feel like you’re going to disappoint us. You will only disappoint us if you fail to safeword when you should’ve and end up getting hurt.

5. Your dominant should be proud of you for using your safeword. We understand that our partners want to please us and that sometimes there is some anxiety related to safewording because of that need to please. We understand that safewording isnt always easy. We understand and that’s why we, as dominants, should be proud of our partners for taking their personal safety into their own hands.

6. Safewords are not the be-all, end-all of protection in scenes. A dominant needs to understand that when a submissive is deep in subspace, it is entirely possible that they will be too “out of it” to understand when they have had enough. It is important for us to constantly evaluate our partners’ mental state in order to know when it may be necessary to shut down a scene prematurely even in the absence of a safeword being used.

7. Dominants can safeword too. If a scene has gotten out of hand, or if it is going in a direction that we aren’t comfortable with, of if we are unsure of our partners’ capacity to continue, or if we are unsure if we are in control of ourselves, it is absolutely permissible for a dominant to call “red” and shut things down or pause for evaluation. It is responsible dominant behavior.

8. Ignoring a safeword is rape or sexual assault. No further explanation needed.

Again, this is not a complete list of everything that needs to be discussed, but through my conversation with Dani and through some conversations with others, I realized these points don’t get talked about often enough.

Lots more can be found on this topic, here.

---

Why don't you or a Dom get disappointed when his sub uses her safeword?

Because when a sub uses their safeword, it is a good thing. OK, on one level it means that the Dom fucked up by taking it a wee bit too far, but that is overshadowed by all the positives:
Even in the heat of a scene, they were mindful that their one abiding duty to their D type is to make sure nothing bad happens to the Dom’s property. By using their safeword, they kept their Dom’s property safe.

They showed that they are confident enough in their Dom and their relationship to use their words rather than “taking it” beyond the point of safety.

They demonstrated trust, by using their safeword knowing their D type would both respect it and be proud of them for using it.

Safewords, Defined

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

friedcherryblossomprincess: This is where I put my regular mention that my Master, Alouette and I use a “red/yellow/green” system and of our safeword drills.

A “red” signal means we need to stop NOW.

“Yellow” means that we’re getting close to a limit and can we please not go any harder/further right now.

“Green” means “I am loving what we are doing right now, please do MORE!”

And we PRAISE each other when we safeword and tell each other how pleased and proud we are that our partners are looking out for their and our safety.

We also do regular safeword drills. Once every month or two, one of us will randomly safeword just to check that we do it right. When it’s a drill, we confirm that it’s a drill, we double-check that we are all okay to carry on and we praise each other. Then we continue playing.

Just to be clear again - it is OKAY to safeword. It is OKAY for dominant partners to safeword. It is OKAY for dominant partners to stop if they feel uncomfortable. It is OKAY for dominant partners to stop if they need to.

Both dominants and submissives deserve to feel safe, comfortable and get care and reassurance when they need it.

See also:  

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

Let’s Talk About Safewords - As a dominants, we’d rather you use your safeword than be hurt. Don’t feel like you’re going to disappoint us. You will only disappoint us if you fail to safeword when you should’ve and end up getting hurt.

There is No Shame in Using a Safeword

Red Flags in BDSM

Domspace, Compared To Subspace

Master Domonic's Protocols For a New Submissive

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?

When Kinky Scenes Go Wrong

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?

Red Flags in BDSM

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

submissivefeminist: In order to maintain a healthy relationship, especially within the BDSM community, we need to be aware of signs of unhealthy behaviour. Of course, these red flags can appear in any kind of relationship—but it’s extra important when you’re in a relationship with a power-dynamic or a heightened risk of injury. Submissives, especially, often find themselves in unhealthy dynamics with no idea how to spot the problems. Dominants, too, are able to experience this. For this reason, I’ve developed an outline of some of the most common red flags I hear from followers and some resources to help you deal with them.

The following are common things a partner might be doing if you’re in an unhealthy relationship:

Insists you do not need a safeword.

While some people prefer to play without a safeword, I will always speak against this practice. Safewords are crucial to a healthy D/s because without them, there is no way to revoke consent and that means you or your partner may not want to continue, but has no way of communicating this.

If your partner insists that you not use a safeword, you need to be firm in saying that will not be the case. I would take extreme caution with playing with someone who has suggested this, as it shows a lack of responsibility for you or your partner’s safety and mental health. Safewords should always be required of everyone in order to play safely. If you don’t want to use them, don’t use them—but always have them in place.

Claims to have no hard or soft limits.

This one is more common with submissives, but Dominants do it, as well. Claiming one has no limits shows a) a lack of experience and/or b) dishonesty. Though some people have more limits than others, everyone has limits. If your partner is insisting they have no limits, ask about something you consider extreme and see if they would agree to it. Communicate the importance of having limits so that everyone is aware of boundaries. No one should go into a scene blind of where the boundaries are.

Pressures you into playing in ways that violate your personal limits.

If you have established limits and your partner wants you to push them, there are two ways to go about this.

1) You express a desire to want to get past a certain limit and your partner discusses ways they can help you with this in a safe and controlled manner as to help you explore your sexuality.

2) Your partner hounds you to do something outside your limits and you feel really uncomfortable about this.

If your situation sounds like #2, you need to either have a strict conversation with your partner about limits or you need to leave the relationship.

A healthy dynamic does not involve true force of any kind. Remember that everything within a D/s is consensual and if your partner is pushing you to do something you don’t consent to, this is unhealthy. Technically, it is abuse or sexual assault. Don’t tolerate this behaviour, and seek help if you need it.

Plays when they are angry or upset.

This is another sign of an abusive relationship. A good partner will not play when they are angry or upset. This can lead to safety concerns, emotional problems, and abuse.

Dominants who are angry and wish to punish their submissives need to take time to think about an appropriate punishment instead of lashing out. Physical violence is never a way to solve underlying problems. The submissive should know why they are being punished, agree that it is fair, and feel forgiven after the punishment.

Submissives who play when they are upset are often covering up mental health problems. While healthy people can play after a bad day and feel much better—unhealthy folks will play to “hurt themselves,” so to speak, and will still feel badly after a scene. If this is the case, the submissive should seek counseling to work out their mental health problems instead of using D/s as a means to self-harm. Playing the sadist to an unstable masochist can end very, very badly. It is dangerous and shouldn’t ever be considered. Put your partner’s mental health above play at all times.

Insists that you address them as a specific title (Sir, Master, slut, fuck-toy) upon first meeting them.

This is a problem a lot of people face with potential partners. Fact of the matter is, you are no one’s slut or Master until you have formed a relationship of some kind with that person and you both agree to these titles. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to address them in a way you don’t like or be addressed in a disrespectful manner.

Does not provide aftercare.

Aftercare is absolutely crucial to a healthy D/s relationship, especially ones involving sadism and masochism. In fact, aftercare is often a defining difference between kink and abuse. Aftercare should be done automatically. If you are in need of aftercare and your partner doesn’t realize it—speak up! Both Dominants and submissive who need aftercare are entitled to it after a scene.

If your partner ignores your needs and does not provide aftercare, you need to leave the relationship. This is an abuse of power and shows a lack of responsibility. You should never leave a scene feeling badly. Aftercare is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. A guide to aftercare can be found here.

Does not respect your safeword.

Safewords, again, are required. If your partner ignores or refuses to respect your safeword, this is assault. The scene needs to end with your safeword, always. Anything past that is no different than continuing after a “no” for relationships without a specific safeword. This is a revoke of consent and anything further without explicit consent is assault.

Never, ever play with someone who doesn’t respect your needs to stop or pause the scene. This is dangerous and highly abusive.

Insists you stop using birth control or barriers during sex.

Some people like birth control restriction with their partner, and that’s fine for stable relationships with intent to care for any child resulting from that pregnancy. However, if you are not intending on getting pregnant and your partner insists you stop using birth control, this is a major red flag. This is abusive and highly dangerous.

Same goes for couples who cannot get pregnant and use barriers like condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. Never be forced into not using these methods. If one person in a relationship wants to use them, they will be used. No further questions.

Initiates play when you or your partner is intoxicated.

Couples can and will make their own decisions on this, and I am not here to tell you anything but the facts. Playing with an intoxicated person is assault. Even if you’re in a committed relationship. A person who is drunk or high cannot consent to sex legally in the US and you or your partner may end up with rape charges, even if the person says “yes.” Contracts and consent prior to intoxication do not hold up in court, either.

To be safe, always wait to play until the person is sober. For your safety and theirs, do not play with an intoxicated person.

Makes you feel guilty for using your safeword.

Never, ever feel guilty for needed to stop. It doesn’t matter if you need to stop because you were triggered or because your leg cramped—never let your partner tell you it’s not okay.

Any partner that makes you feel badly for safewording is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve your trust. It’s emotionally abusive to make someone feel bad for needing to stop play/sex. Don’t tolerate it—you have every right to decide if you need to stop.

Refuses to have conversations about consent/limits/desires.

Communication is so important. If your partner can’t communicate important things like limits, safewords, consent, or their desires, it’s going to be tricky. This is a red flag because it can lead to problems down the road. Relationships are difficult without proper communication—there simply isn’t a way around it. Insist on communicating these important topics or find a new partner who will.

Does not treat you as an equal or disrespects you out of scenes.

Unless you’ve discussed and agreed upon a 24/7 relationship, the scene ends with a safeword or natural progression. This means humiliation and painful physical contact stops there. Submissives who find themselves being put down by their partners out of scenes or at inappropriate times need to evaluate their relationship. Your self-worth will never depend on your partner and no one deserves to be with someone who makes them feel badly without their consent.

---

If any of the previous red flags apply to you or someone you love, please urge them to seek help. The following resources can be used in cases of sexual or physical violence:

National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1.800.656.HOPE

Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE

Rape Crisis Network (UK): 44 (0)141 331 4180

Sexual Assault Resources (International)

Best Way To Negotiate Limits Before Starting A Scene With A New Dom?

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

What is the best way to negotiate limits before starting a scene with a new dom? My inexperience makes me nervous about getting in over my head.

fistfuckgaygr:

I think it can be very helpful for all inexperienced boys to take heed of such a question. I have noted time and time again how important communication is in a domination and submission interaction. Have you ever seen those statements on Recon or Grindr where they say plan to meet up in so many (e.g. 4) messages? That is just crap. If you see these those, run away! You need to establish some sort of trust through the exchange of conversation. It gives you the opportunity to feel someone out and they can learn more about you.

I find it interesting how you use the phrase “negotiate limits.” Limits are typically non-negotiable. Meaning you tell the other party these are not going to happen during a session. For example, I, as a Dom, have limits. Things I will do not with boys, and I am not willing change my mind on them (e.g. unsafe sex).

So here are some general steps.

Step One: Have a conversation with yourself. You need to think about what are things you are not willing do, somewhat willing to do, and absolutely willing to do. When you are new, the number of things you are not willing to do is going to be a long list.

I would recommend that you also flip the limits list into an interest list. In other words, “these are things I want to try.”

Step Two: Build a rapport with the Dom. Before you even talk about limits, you need to build some sort of connection with the Dom. You are building up to the fun.

Step Three: Pre-session rule.If you interaction is based on online connections (Recon, Grindr, A4A, or even Tumblr), you must convey your limits through that online medium. Do not show up at someone’s place and intend to convey limits. You are likely to forget something. Or maybe the session just gets started quickly because you are both very attracted to each other.

Step Four: It can be hard to bring it up. I understand that. A good Dom should always ask what your limits are. If he does not, you can ask him what he intends to do during a session. Just so you know it is normal, I do not typically share with a boy exactly what will happen. I will lay out general things that will happen, but I will not say step by step. It takes the fun out of a session if you know exactly what is coming and when. After he gives you a basic idea you can respond that you are not really comfort with it x, y, or z.

You can also bluntly say, ‘I am new, but these are limits right now…” You can mention that you are interested in exploring new things, but you will need him to talk you through them and you reserve the right to veto that activity.

I would encourage you to be open to new things. You never know if you will like if you don’t try.

Step Five: If the Dom responds that he is in control and he will decide what your limits are. End your conversation with him. He is clearly ill-equipped to work a new sub. New subs require a lot of patience and time.

Step Six: Early in your activities if you are still quite nervous, I would recommend that you and the Dom employ the use of a safe word. I use Red and Yellow. Even though I generally hate safe words, because if I boy has to use one, it means I have failed him. Red means stop everything, the session is over. Yellow means I need a moment this is a little intense. You can also come up with some signal if you are gagged.

Step Seven: Remember to have fun. Submission is suppose to be fun after all. It is suppose to be something you enjoy.

Red and Yellow are, in my experience, universal safe/slow words. I tell boys to use “red” if they need things to end. That ends whatever activity we’re doing and any aftercare as appropriate happens next so I can check in with him and make sure he’s okay. I tell them to use “yellow” if they’re okay with what’s going on, it’s just too intense. It’s a cue to me to dial it back a bit so he can catch his breath and get back into the right headspace. For example, sometimes a whip stroke can land in the wrong place, snapping (no pun intended) him out of that wonderful blissed out happy place. “Yellow” in that instance serves as a reset button.

After you’ve had some experience with the same people, you learn how their body responds and can get a better read on where their head is, and “red” and “yellow” aren’t used as often, if at all. For me, getting to that place is the goal. When you’re finally able to get inside his head is when it gets really fun. :D

But to answer OP’s original question, the best way to establish limits is to talk beforehand. As a dom, I don’t play with anyone until we’ve clearly outlined the following:

1. Any hard limits: these are things that are not negotiable. Both my hard limits and his.

2. Any health issues: things I need to know about to potentially work around to make sure the boy isn’t injured (mentally or physically) inadvertently. Sports injuries, whether he might have asthma, any abuse issues, etc. An example: Face-slapping is a hard limit for a lot of people because of childhood abuse.

3. Whether sex is going to be part of the scene, and if so, how protection is going to be used. 

4. What things the boy is particularly eager to try or have done to him. This gives me an idea of where to start planning. Like temptingdominance, I don’t like planning out and discussing every little bit of the scene; surprise and suspense are major elements of sub headspace and are fun to play with. 

One thing I’ve found to work is an idea I came up with after seeing how a college professor of mine structured his exams (no, I’m not making this up.) We’d be given a list of 15 topics that could possibly be on the exam. He’d put a random 7 or 8 of them on the exam. We then had to pick 3 or 4 to write about.So, with a new boy, I go over what I have at my disposal to use in a scene (restraints, floggers, dildos, tools for inflicting pain, etc.) and tell the boy to pick somewhere between 5 and 7 things for me to do. 

I pick 3 or 4 of them to integrate into the scene and do so at my discretion. I don’t tell him what’s going to be used or when. This way I’m working within the bounds of what I know he’s comfortable with (or at least willing to try), but I can “wing it” and let the scene unfold itself.

After you get some experience under your belt and find a regular play partner, you can start on things that might be “soft limits.” Things you’re potentially willing to try, but have reservations about. When I was subbing regularly, there were things I would normally consider a hard limit, but would consider doing under the right circumstances because it was an act of submission. 

What drew me to that particular activity wasn’t the activity itself, it was the good feeling I got from doing something uncomfortable or unpalatable specifically to please someone else. I found that things that are hard limits when you begin eventually become soft limits, and can even turn into things you enjoy. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy footplay as a top, but leatherbondagelove introduced me to that and now it’s one of my favorite things.

But I wouldn’t suggest trying to push your limits when first starting out. In the beginning, start small. Work slowly into more challenging things to learn where any limits you might not know about are. Having a dom who is willing to help you explore these things safely and at your own pace is essential. Submission is a gift to be treasured, not an obligation or expectation. 

Like temptingdominance said, new subs require patience and time. As a dom, I tend to think it’s worth the patience and time to help a sub explore that side of himself. I’ve been a sub myself, I know how amazing that happy subby headspace can be when you’ve got the right guy to take you there. Being able to give that to someone else is a pretty awesome experience.

service2smmbybj:

communication is always the key, whether you are starting a True Power Exchange or have been in one for many years.

one of the dilemmas for new subs is getting around this issue of asshole “doms” spreading the message that the sub has no say in how things are done. that is outright bullying and should never be tolerated. a sub/boy always has the Power to negotiate things. once those negotiations are finished, limits set, and trust is earned, it gives the sub the freedom to relinquish his Power to his MASTER and then the MASTER can do as HE desires within the confines of the limits that have been set. 

 of course, your MASTER can, and most often will, push those limits only to help you grow as a sub and explore things you never thought you may enjoy. limits can be re-negotiated at any time, but only you as a sub have the Power to change those limits as you become more comfortable with yourself and who you are as a sub.

one good way that many MASTERs have of negotiating limits, is they have potential subs/boys fill out an application in which all activities are listed and the boy can rank them as far as interest, experience, or set strict hard limits on. this allows the MASTER to know what currently makes the boy tick and gives HIM an idea of areas to explore without having to ask every time service occurs. it is also a good starting point to break the ice and open up verbal discussions, either at the beginning or throughout the hours, days, years of service.

Shutting Down a Scene

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

instructor144:

A PM from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …

“Awhile back you mentioned in passing a Dom shutting down a scene if it got too intense for the sub to be able to use her safe word responsibly. What are the symptoms, so I can watch out for it and be aware?”

This is a great question. First, respect to you for wanting to understand and keep your girl safe. Here’s the thing: we hear all this stuff about “the sub is safe, because she always has her safeword.” And that is true, as far as it goes. But what happens when, in the intense heat of a scene, the submissive has lost the power of rational volition? That sounds fairly nebulous, and probably useless, so let me break it down to some characteristic external markers that I’ve encountered over the years …

Loss of rational speech. Is her speech mumbled, incoherent, and “off-topic”? You need to shut that shit down.

Irrational demands for “more, harder.” If you’ve pushed her to (and possibly a bit beyond) her previous limits and to a place that you know is beyond her tolerance (for pain, intensity, etc) and yet she continues to moan “more …. harder …” then she has dropped too deep into sub space to be a rational player in the scene, and you need to shut that shit down.

“What is your name?” If you think she’s slipped away, ask her “What is your name?” I once had to ask a girl her name three times before I got a mumbled response. If she can’t answer immediately and coherently,  you need to shut that shit down.

Safeword. Above all else, if you ask “What is your safeword?” and she does not immediately respond crisply and coherently with her safeword, you need to shut that shit down at once.

Now, what do you do to bring her back? Hydration, a damp towel, under the covers, and a lot of cuddles and aftercare while talking to her softly and letting her know you’re there and all is well.

Hopefully these “indicators” will help you to keep your scenes Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Domspace, Compared To Subspace

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

UPDATE:  Here is an excellent article about catharsis.

Question  I'd be curious to hear your perspective of domspace as compared with subspace.

aphyr:

As it turns out I had my most intense dom experience recently, and this has been on my mind a lot.

We talked about the scene a few times. A couple days before, I told him how much I’d enjoyed a brief flogging with him previously, and mentioned that I’d like to repeat that experience but deeper. The night of the scene we talked, over dinner, about what each of us would like to get out of it–I wanted to share the endorphin high with him, the experience of subspace, and the sense of vulnerability and trust. He wanted to be let go and be hurt, to be pushed further than he wanted to go himself–and he trusted me to guide him through that.

To have someone extend that trust to me is both exhilarating and humbling, particularly because I dom so rarely. I think that in many ways it’s more difficult to be the leading partner because the responsibility for safety–and fulfillment–falls on your shoulders. Both in an emotional and a physical sense.

Just before the scene we checked in again: I asked whether I could restrain him, whether I could gag him, and outlined the warmup and apex I had in mind. He asked whether he could pass on a safeword and I told him that for this scene it was mandatory, and we practiced verbal and nonverbal signals.

As I cuffed him, spread out for the flogging, I reminded him where he was likely to lose circulation and feeling, and showed how I’d check in on each hand to make sure he was OK. This was his first time fully restrained, and he was clearly nervous–I spent about ten minutes just reassuring him that he was going to be OK, telling him how proud I was of him, how good he looked in that position, and so on. Just caressing, squeezing, and kissing him, to get him eased into a place where he felt comfortable giving up control.

As we warmed up I introduced him to the flogger–across his face, across his back, letting him smell the leather, and continuing the same physical reassurance from before. When he was ready I started in with light strokes, then a gentle massage. We went at that for… maybe 20 minutes or so. A friend of mine is an excellent impact top, and I try to draw on his technique, his ritual, as it works so well on me.

At forty minutes we were going full throttle–aggressive strokes in varying patterns across his back, and he was moaning and whimpering and… things started to click for me. I *owned* him. I *protected* him. I’d expected him to abort much earlier, to call a stop, but he let me beat him harder and harder until I was swinging as hard as I could, and still he took more. Took more of me.

Our checkins became more and more aggressive–I’d draw my hands gently across his back still, and squeeze his hands, but as that sense of ownership grew I started to growl, to tell him what a good, obedient boy he was, how much he needed this. Fingers deep in his mouth, biting down hard at the nape of his neck, as he rolled his back moaning, just on the verge of panic. I choked him and forced a ball gag into his mouth–and that was enough to break him. His sobbing, his raw heart imploring me to stop, but asking for more… I don’t know how to describe the admixture of ferocity and compassion that rose from me in those moments.

I beat him as hard as I could, more and more amazed at his endurance and trust. I own him. I protect him. When he dropped from screaming to a limp, shuddering, silent hang, I came in again to check. His hands had just given out. In the space of a few seconds he’d gone from checking in to nonresponsive, and I knew that was his time. I’m not sure how many levels of resistance we’d broken through, but that was deeper than he needed to go.

And it’s… in the aftercare, really, that I felt most dominant. I ungagged him, reassured him, unbuckled the restraints as fast as I could, and held him up while he sagged limp in my arms, sobbing. Poor guy couldn’t even walk. I’d poured a glass of juice for him before we started, and had him drink a little to recover. Carried him to bed, and undid the restraints completely.

And then… I held him, for an hour and 45 minutes.

Kept him warm, kept him safe. Easy voice, calm strokes down his body. His eyes wild as I ordered him to breathe with me–count in, count out. And as he came out of that whimpering, inchoate subspace the most… small, plaintive questions came rushing out, and it broke my fucking heart. I was so worried I’d taken him further than he could go, that he was somehow broken forever, and promised him over and over that I would *never* strike him again, that he had been so tough, so brave, so giving of himself. I didn’t know how to make myself a big enough shield for him, but I held him, and told him everything he felt was OK, and little by little he surfaced again, and laughed, and shivered, and cried and held me more.

Like metalworking, the fire of a scene makes one’s psyche ductile, deformable, workable. Push the wrong way, and people can easily bend out of shape. But fold and hammer in the right places, and the soul becomes stronger. Your bond as partners becomes stronger. In the cooling process of aftercare I feel our annealing; him cleaving to my strength, my cladding wrapping around him. I feel past wounds come oozing to the surface, and hopefully, healing stronger.

That’s domspace for me. The utmost compassion and responsibility for another human being; to see them at their most unguarded, their most fragile, and reassure them that they have value; to accept whatever they feel, whether scary or ugly, and create a space for them to heal. To push them in the ways that they need to be pushed, but can’t see through on their own. To love them completely. To see yourself through their eyes as protector, as guide, as all-powerful and terrifying and merciful all at once; and to give all your physical and emotional reserves to bring them through that experience, and back home safe.

---

foxbear:

YES.  THIS.  This is what it feels like for me.  This is how and why I do what it is that I do.

The intensity of control.  The pleasure of possession.  The sadistic thrill of the violent connection.  The shout, sweat, whimper and tears of it.  And when we reach that place, where the layers are stripped away, where the loose pieces have all flown off and the soft and quivering quick of a man’s soul is in my hand–there to be held, there to be healed, there to be reborn, reforged–THAT is my greatest satisfaction.  THAT is the connection that stays long after tears have dried and marks have faded.  THAT is life to me, as much as blood in my veins and breath in my chest.

SO.  MUCH.  THIS.

---

Nachtsoul:

This was beautiful. The closest I cane to this is when my boy passed away a bit over a year ago. I withdrew into myself... but I asked my teacher to help me, and he singletailed me until I was finally able to start crying to begin releasing my grief.

There is No Shame in Using a Safeword

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

Castrokinky:

I typically don’t need safe words with my boys as I’m very good at reading their contractions from things and adjusting. I check in a lot as well. But I usually have one established just in case.

My hard stop safe word was used for the third time in my life last week. I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to discuss how I reacted as an illustration for others.

In this situation, the boy was tied in a fairly stressful position. We’d been playing for a while and when I decided to fuck him, I went in too forcefully and it hurt him in a not-good way. He screamed and used our safe word.

I immediately pulled out carefully, telling him calmly it was ok and that I was right there with him. I continued talking to him as I untied him, starting with the most stressful ties first. Once he was untied, I pulled him to me and held him, reassuring him it was ok and that I was proud of him. I also thanked him for using the safe word when things didn’t work. It builds trust when I know a boy isn’t afraid to stop a scene if he needs to. After some time, he asked me to continue in a different position, which we did.

I often hear stories from boys who are abandoned or called names by a dom when they use their safe word. I hear from other boys they’re too afraid to use their safe word. My message: Don’t be. By all means, push yourself past what you thought you were capable of but if something really isn’t working, tell your dom or use that safe word. A good dom will thank you for it.

kinkythingsilike:

This is how it’s done. When a boy uses his safeword, he’s trusting you to take care of him. It’s the obligation a dom takes on when a boy gives himself for the dom’s pleasure and use. As I tell boys who are new to BDSM play, there has to be mutual trust for a safeword to work: They have to trust me to respect it, and I have to trust them to use it when they need to. I’d a million times rather cut a scene short than have it go too far.

Not to contradict @castrokinky, who is amazing at what he does, but I try to avoid telling the boy that “it’s okay.” Because for him, in that moment, it’s *not* okay. It’s very much not okay. It’s a small distinction, but I try to tell him it will be okay and that I’m right there for him. When playing with sensory deprivation, the blindfold/gag/earplugs/etc. are always the first things to come off, even before the bondage. I make sure he can feel my body and my presence until I can get them off, by placing a hand on him or by holding him to me while I remove them. I try to use quick release snaps (can be gotten from a tack shop) for any kind of weight-bearing bondage, so that it’s easy to get him out in a hurry.

I cannot fathom how any dom could be so callous as to “punish” a boy for using his safeword. Someone literally trusting you with their life in order for you to use them for your own pleasure is one of the most precious gifts that’s out there. Respect it.

Alexander Martin:

For anyone reading this who might not understand the value of safewords and feel shame in using them? This is exactly why i feel there is NO shame in safe wording.

No Safeword is Not an Excuse

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

There are many many good posts out there about safewords. What they are, types of safewords, how to use them, when to use them.

This is not one of those posts.

Because for all of the beauty of safewords, the concept has a flaw. It’s not because safewords don’t work, or they aren’t useful. They absolutely 100% are. I would never recommend playing without one, especially for people with not much experience in BDSM activities.

It’s that some people use a lack of a safeword as an excuse when they harm someone. And we aren’t talking about that enough.

A safeword when properly used in typical BDSM play is a safety valve. It’s an emergency stop feature that communicates unambiguously the intent to end a scene. Or at least, that something really big needs to change or things are going to go south. And fast. But unless you have explicitly negotiated ahead of time that a safeword is going to be your only form of communication it should never, ever, be the only method to stop a scene.

It’s like a fire alarm.

If you’re in a burning building and you see flames and you smell smoke you don’t go “Oh, well, the fire alarm didn’t go off, guess there must not be a fire!” Right? Because that would be pretty stupid, and you’d probably end up dead. Instead, you should be checking for other signs of a fire and preferably getting the hell out of that situation. A fire alarm is simply a tool to make it easier to tell something is wrong and you need to evacuate. Same thing with a safeword.

If a scene is going wrong and a bottom is flinching, avoiding eye contact, or stops reacting to stimulus at all, you should never go “Oh, well, they never used their safeword, so I guess this must be okay.” WRONG. Unless you are doing some prenegotiated no-limits, CNC type shit, ANY significant and unusual or distressing change should warrant a check-in. You don’t need to stop the scene. But you should be looking for other signs of a fire, and if you need to get out of this situation. And maybe everything is okay. But the point is you should still check in. Because at best, you’re risking loss of valuable feedback as a Dom. At worst, you’ve crossed someone’s boundaries (communicated prior or not) and are now actively harming them.

A safeword should not be an excuse for lazy, passive Dominance. Scenes should be negotiated under the hope of creating a mutually beneficial experience. Not merely just letting the Dominant do whatever the heck they want up until the submissive or bottom finally eeks out their safeword as a last resort to stop the agony. Dominants should always be attentive, mindful and focused during scenes. After all, they are literally putting that bottom at risk in both life and limb. Shouldn’t we expect more?

I think there are many factors in the community that contribute to this mindset that makes it extremely difficult to actually rely on safewords as the sole form of communication. Let’s discuss those:

1. We Put Safewords on a Pedestal: We treat safewords like the “in case of emergencies only” hatchet behind a thick pane of glass. As a culture in general, we don’t encourage liberal use of safewords. Needing to resort to a safeword is seen as shameful, and damning for both bottom and top in that scene. And so, many bottoms believe they are only allowed to use safewords when things are really really bad. Low blood sugar? Tingly toes? Allergies? Tolerance getting low? Suck it up. And by the time things get to that really really bad place, many are no longer in a mental state to even communicate at all.

2. Competitiveness: We love having submissives compete with each other. Who can take the most canes, who can do the hardest suspension, and who can stand to kneel on the rice for the longest amount of time. A submissive who is competitive and has a desire to please will often put beating “the competition” above their own physical safety so they can feel like a good sub. To do anything less is failure.

3. Fear of Disappointment and Abandonment: This is certainly not true of all subs, but many have a fear of being a disappointment or being a abandoned. This leads to a submissive not using a safeword, because having an abrupt end to the scene can leave the sub feeling like they have let their partner down. Or worse, it activates the fear that the Dominant will abandon them. This is particularly true in power exchange relationships with a high level of authority transfer but a low level of existing trust. To use a safeword is to put the existing relationship itself on the line, and risks changing the relationship to the core. Rational? Maybe not. But we certainly don’t do enough to absolve this fear or address why it exists. And fear is often powerful enough to keep people silent.

4. Altered States of Consciousness: New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this. Whether it be getting lost in a primal, little or animal headspace, sinking into subspace, or being so overcome by fear your body freezes, BDSM can bring out many unique and complicated states of mind. If a submissive is not operating a fully functional brain, let alone potentially not having access to verbal function at all, how are they going to communicate a safeword? Even when they really need to? It’s entirely possible someone in a deep in an altered state of consciousness may forget who or where they are, let alone remember they have a specific fancy word to use to get out!

5. We Don’t Practice Safewords: Let’s say you have been doing BDSM for 10 years. In all that time, you have had the fortune to never need a safeword before. Then, one night with a new partner, something goes wrong. How likely are you going to be able to evaluate correctly that you need it, or when, or even know how to say it? It’s like a fire drill. You can talk all you want about where the evacuation spot is, and what route to use, but unless you have regularly practiced using the route before, you are liable to forget it in a panic situation. Even submissives with a decade of experience can blank out and forget their safeword in a crisis.

6. Daddy Knows Best: This one is the most insidious of the bunch. For new submissives especially, they can be cowed into believing that the Dominant should have the final say and to trust them completely. Negotiated or not. This leads to unscrupulous (or just inexperienced) Dominants functionally using their relationship authority to dictate a submissive’s limits for them. It removes the submissive’s ability to fairly judge for themselves if and when they need to safeword. Or if they are allowed to. Imagine a situation where a submissive is new, and has a hard limit around canes. Then Daddy brings out the cane. By quieting the protests with a “Daddy Knows Best” and or a “Why Don’t You Trust Me?”, a Dominant can cut off a submissive from feeling safe from using their safewords. A Dominant should always be aware of the power and influence they have over a submissive’s psyche. It is very hard to say no to someone who you respect, who is older or more experienced, or who pays your bills – and a safeword is often subconsciously viewed as a “no” to that activity. Add power exchange to that on top, and you’ve got quite a mountain to climb.

…. and I am sure many many other factors too. There are so many to list.

Point being, a safeword is a tool. But a complicated one – and only as good as the people using it. Human emotions, fears, and desires all intertwine to make “simple” communication very complicated. And until we can unpack some of the baggage we have lying around about using them, safewords will never be the only way to effectively communicate in a scene. And unless you have negotiated otherwise, plain English communication and body language should always be monitored for other signs things are going wrong.

To try and hide behind “but they didn’t safeword!” as a defense when someone is harmed by a scene is weak, and shows a lack of understanding of how hard communication can be when endorphins are flying. Responsible partners look at actions and reactions, not just words.

Stay Safe,

Evie

PS) While I stick to talking about submissives having their consent violated or safeword use complicated in this post, this is only for the sake of making the text easier to follow. Dominants, tops, bottoms, slaves, Masters, switches, littles, anyone, can have their consent violated or have difficulty using safewords in scenes.

Master Domonic's Protocols For a New Submissive

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

bondagebudtx: Have subbed for years and am about to Dom for the first time. We discussed it being your basic tie down spread eagle (got cuffs and a great wrought iron bed), with TT, CBT, maybe some electro, edging and milking, and I’ll set up safe words and cover limits, but how do I prepare for the session to ensure it’s good? Do you have a plan/roadmap of activities or do you play it by ear? How long should I plan for? Build in breaks? He is pretty experienced.
This is why I always like subbing. Domming is hard work!

________________________________________________________________

Master Domonic:

You’re off to a great start, by being communicative with your study buddy, before the session. Remain communicative during, as well. My sessions run from an hour and a half, to maybe three hours. Some go longer.

Once the guy arrives, I always take a few minutes to sit and talk, to go over a few things.

1) The first thing I tell the guy is thank you for being here, immediately followed by the “Don’t-Try-To-Impress-Me lecture.” I explain to him, “Once the session has started, do not try to impress me. I’m already impressed; right now. You’re here. You’re willing to try. You’re ready to trust me. So, trust me: I am impressed already.” I continue with, “so after we start, if something is pinching or biting or tingling, but you assume I’ll be annoyed that you’re whining—don’t impress me by saying nothing.” “If you hear your cell phone buzzing, and you need to check the messages, but you’re worried I’ll be impatient to untie you–don’t impress me by saying nothing.” “If something is taking you out of a good/fun/pleasureable place, don’t assume I’ll think less of you if you speak up–don’t impress me by toughing it out.” “Its your job to let me know if something is taking you out of a pleasurable head-space. Let me know if something is beginning to cross that line from pleasure, into a pain that is distracting you from the fun we’re having.” “Its my job to correct the problem; I’m not a mindreader; you’ve got to speak up and let me know if something is beginning to go in a wrong direction.”

There’s nothing the guy can say or do during a session that might lessen the respect I have for them. I’m thoroughly impressed by every guy that’s lent their trust to me for a few hours. When the guy shows up, and is ready, willing to try: I’m thoroughly impressed.

2) I give the guy his SAFE WORD(red) and his TIME-OUT WORD(yellow). I also show him my safety scissors; and place them at an easily accessible spot (window sill, counter top, my jeans back pocket) where they won’t be covered up by gear or ropes or shoes or socks, etc. He understands that if he calls RED, it means he’s panicked, scared, or in excruciating pain and I am to immediately cut the ropes and end that part of the session. I do not pause if he calls RED, to ask: whats wrong, are you ok? RED means STOP NOW. If he calls YELLOW I know there’s something that’s not going great, and he needs to let me know. YELLOW means: pause the session; discuss the isuse; adjust what’s not great; and resume the session. He can moan, groan, plead, struggle hard… if he’s not saying RED or YELLOW, its all music to me ears.


I do not attempt to push a guy until he calls RED or YELLOW. Those tools are in place to a) give him the confidence that he will be taken care of at any point the need may arise. And b) it allows me to not have to pause every 40 seconds to ask: are you ok? Are you ok now? How about now, are you ok? Is this OK? OK? OK? OK? Are you still OK?

Ok.

Because the guy has promised me he is busy NOT IMPRESSING ME, and I know he can use Yellow or Red if necessary; all of this allows me to move him along through the session, confident that he’s good with it.

3) I give the guy another tool we can use together: “The 1 to 10 Scale.” When I’m putting him through some CBT or Nip tease, or edging him with instructions–Do not cum yet, I explain that he is to use numbers to let me know how he’s holding up. If the intensity is mild, he can tell me he’s at a 1 or 2. If the intensity should suddenly spike up, he can let know by stating his nips are at a 7, or his balls just went to an 8. If he calls 9, this means he’s on the verge of calling RED, unless I ease him back.

Using the 1 to 10 system, at any point during the session he can communicate clearly how he’s holding up. He can tell me the hogtie has his shoulders at a 6….I’ll flop him on his side, and stroke his dick…”how are your shoulders now?” His mind is distracted… the shoulders are suddenly fine. Or if the ball stretcher has him at a 7, so in response, I’ll hang a weight to his nip clamps, and miracle of miracles, his balls are suddenly no problem.

When I’m edging him, he can call out numbers as he gets closer to cumming. A 7 or 8 means hes almost there. A 9 means if I don’t stop now, he can only hold it back a few seconds longer.

The “1 to 10 Scale” is invaluable for partners who are curious about bdsm, but don’t want to hurt each other. When they both understand the tied up sub can at any moment let his partner know if something is getting too intense by calling a number, it allows the dom partner to erotically “torment” his subby partner, with confidence. The dom is relieved to know he’s not going to hurt his sub, because the sub can give out numbers, 1 to 10, letting his dom know how he’s doing. Or if the sub is worried his dom partner is “clumsy” or too excitable to be trusted, the 1 to 10 scale can keep the overly zealous novice horny dom, in check.

4) Lastly there is my 15 Minute Rule. When the guy is in a tough position, working hard, I keep an eye on the clock. I don’t necessarily tell him this. But if his hear rate’s been up a while,, breathing hard,, balls sore, nips aching,,, I’ll give him relief from the stress. I’ll change his position. We’ll take a restroom break; sip some water. Or I’ll keep him restrained, but with no major challenges to contend with while he catches his breath and his heart rate can settle down. I can also ask him to “give me a number, 1 to 10, where are you at?”

I also can ask the guy, can you stay in this predicament 10 more minutes? If he’s busy NOT impressing me, he’ll answer truthfully. And once he knows this challenging situation isn’t going on forever; when he knows there’s an end in sight, he can relax and cope. Fear of the unknown is a buzz kill; in life; and in bdsm. A little suspense and surprise is hot.

Communicate before the session, and during. Demystify the experience.

Resisting Use of Safe Words

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

---

As I have progressed deeper down the path of my submission, I am experienced enough to know that safe words matter and are important. Except I find myself mentally and emotionally refusing to use them. Part of me feels like it is a test and I should stretch myself and endure it and another part feels like it would be disobedient and even impolite to refuse Sir anything as a true submissive. Am I being TOO submissive?

Papa Tony:

Not at all. I have seen the same thing happen thousands of times:

Safe words are an emergency escape hatch, in cases where there is little established trust between both parties… at least so far. Safe words are healthy and useful.

If I am connecting well with a sub, safe words don’t tend to come up after the initial lecture. A big part of that is because I am entirely focused upon the play-scene. I am dedicated to an excellent result. I want the sub to bless my memory, decades after we have played.

If I am playing with an inexperienced sub, then I get all fussy about their responsibility to speak up, so that I don’t brutalize them without realizing that I am doing it. Even at this age, I can still break most folks like a twig without even trying.

My subs know that I could easily go forty times harder, but that is never my goal. I want them to get to where they need to be, and then take it just a TEENSY bit farther, so that I can praise them for their abilities. Together, we have successfully expanded their envelope of experiences.

Please understand - I am hyper-perceptive. Not all Sirs are. Safe words are a great tool. And, if it feels right to you to go the extra distance to please your trusted Sir, then by all means, resist the urge. Be that way. You are fine.