So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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dwpreturns:

(Originally posted circa 2012, © Domwithpen.)

There you are, on the couch, making out. You take your boyfriend’s hand, pull it back and slap it against your ass - you’re getting him started. Encouraging him to spank you. His spank wilts into a tender caress. Inwardly, you groan with frustration. You take his other hand, move it up into your hair, and ball his fingers into a fist. You give it a little tug. See? You think. Pull! His response? He begins to run his fingers through your hair, slowly, lovingly, while gently petting your ass.

At this point, 99 girls out of 100 are dying to kill you and steal your boyfriend. But not you. You? You’re like, “SPANK ME GODDAMIT!”

Sound familiar?

I’ve had a recent surge of questions from eager, fairly inexperienced submissives wanting to know how they can turn their BF into the Dom of their dreams. I don’t know if anyone can deliver that kind of transformation on a blog - but here’s my best advice.

#1 Figure Out What You Want

You need to decide exactly what it is you want, and that means writing it down. Blog about it. Write in a journal. I don’t care. Just get very, very clear what you want and what you don’t want. It’s hard for new Doms, non-Doms, and just plain old “nice” guys to wrap their head around treating you in a way they consider “bad.”

Your guy’s number one fear is that he is going to hurt or offend you - so you need to be really clear what will hurt or offend you BEFORE you ask him to start Dominating you. Don’t tell him you want to be tied up and spanked, and then freak out when he takes off his belt and starts wailing away. Maybe that’s how he was spanked as a kid, and he’s just trying to fulfill your fantasy, only to find out you LOSE YOUR MIND at the slap of leather. 

Now you’re crying, and he thinks he’s become some sort of monster. You both lose would could have been a win-win scenario. Need some help figuring out where your limits are? Try this checklist. There’s probably some stuff on it you’ve never heard of. (Hell, there’s some stuff on it I can’t pronounce.) Write down five of the things you like, and be specific. You never have to show anyone - you just have to KNOW what you want, so you can ask for it.

#2 Drop Some Hints

This is the ONLY PART OF THE PROCESS where I advocate hints. We’re not even expecting your guy to process these. The hints you’re going to drop may only register deep in his subconscious, so that later you can point out his reactions (which he won’t remember) and he’ll be convinced this was his idea all along. What kind of hints? Rent Secretary and watch it with him. Comment on the parts that get you hot. If you watch porn with him, hint at the parts you like. If you’re a 50 Shades kind of gal, read the parts you like aloud to him. I know, I know, these seem like REALLY obvious moves. They’re not. They’re hints.

#3 Exhibit Submissive Behavior

You want to create a sort of D/s onramp for your unsuspecting future Dom. What I mean is, you don’t want to go from vanilla make-out sessions straight to “call my your fucking whore and hang me by the feet from the chandelier while you choke me” without a little warm-up. You want to ease him into it. I suggest starting off with some submissive behaviors that will a.) put you in the right head space and b.) start giving him that power-high that comes with being a Dominant.

Ask for permission. Just start asking for permission to do things that you normally would NOT need his permission to do. Asking permission is a very strong move. You’re giving him power over your decisions. You’re letting him know that you seek his approval and consent. You’re putting him in charge. I’m going to give you a script. Don’t change the words. Say it just like this (trust me.) Examples:

“May I go read my book now?”

“May I wear this dress to the party?”

“May I buy these shoes?”

If the “may I” sounds too formal, start with “Is it okay if I…” or “Can I…” but work your way up to “May I…” if it works for you. “May I” has a formality about it that many Dominants respond to.

Serve him. Make him dinner. When he’s about to get up and grab another beer from the fridge, say, “May I bring you another beer?” (Permission and service in one stroke! Bonus!) Start anticipating his needs. Do his laundry. Think of things he doesn’t like to do and take care of them for him without being asked. I hate sorting mail. girl goes through my mail, eliminates the junk, and presents me with only the things I really need to see. Weird, but it turns me on big time.

Make sex all about him. Don’t worry! This investment will pay big dividends. (Or you’ll dump his ass.) Here’s what I mean. Next time you’re on the couch, watching a movie, or he’s sitting working on his laptop, walk up to him, get on your knees, and look up at him with those big subby eyes of yours and say, “May I suck your cock?” Yeah. That’s a bold fucking move. 

But if there’s a Dom in there, that will awaken him. Here’s another one - when you can tell he’s about to cum, try this: “Please cum on me. Wherever you want.” Are these typical porno stereotypes? Sure. Do they work? Absolutely What you’re really up to is letting him know that his desires come first. That you want to fulfill his fantasies. That pleasing him is what really turns you on.
#4 Talk to Him. (No More Hints!)

After a few days of this behavior, he’s going to know something’s up. You’ve been priming him, pumping him up. He knows something is coming (that’s what she said), but he’s going to keep his mouth shut and just enjoy it while it lasts. Now’s the time to talk to him.

Every guy is different, but we all have one thing in common: WE SUCK AT HINTS. Let me put that another way: ME GUY, NO GET HINT! Guys do not speak hint. We need you to SPELL IT OUT for us. Even if that’s not your nature, even if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to spell it out. You need to stretch past your own boundaries if you want him to do the same. 

So. Here is my coaching on how to have “the conversation.” Don’t deviate from this too much. The parts in quotes I want you to say exactly how they’re written. If guys are bad at hints, submissives tend to be equally bad at straight talk (it’s not always true, but it’s common.) 

So when you think you’re saying “HOLY FUCK THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!” what your guy hears is, “Do you maybe, um, smell some smoke or something? Oh, never mind. It’s fine.” Seriously. That’s how big the divide is. So don’t change the script! What I’ve written in quotes works. Even if you feel ridiculous saying these words, say them like this. Stop arguing with me! I thought you were submissive? Here’s the play:

Get him on the couch. Don’t do this in bed. Don’t do it in the kitchen while you’re washing dishes, don’t do it while he’s driving, and don’t to it over the phone. Get him on the couch. It’s sexually neutral territory. You can have sex on the couch, but you can also study for midterms or fold laundry and watch Game of Thrones. Okay that’s pretty sexual. OITNB? No, still sexual. Dora the Motherfucking Explora. There. Do this when you’re watching a movie - or better yet, while you’re both iPadding or laptopping. (Or lapbottoming.)

Interrupt that activity by reaching over to stroke his cock through his jeans. Yup. Be that bold. You’re making an overtly sexual gesture here. This isn’t cuddly. This isn’t affectionate. This is sexual. Likely, kissing will ensue, and at some point one of you will come up for air. At that point, here’s what I want you to say. (Don’t wait for “the right moment” - it will never come. You’re just looking for a breath here where your lips aren’t locked.)

“Do you think you could do something for me?”

“Yeah.” (Guys say “yeah” a lot when you try to talk to us during sex. It’s one of the six words our brains can form while half the blood is rushing to our penis.)

“I… I want you to bend me over the side of this couch and take me really hard.”

“Okay.”

When you’re in the position, and he’s doing his thing-

“I want you to spank me.”

“What?” (He’ll say what. He may sound surprised or indignant, or he may laugh. None of that has anything to do with you. His cock is in you. He’s not THINKING at all. Just ignore his reaction and go right into the next part.)

“Please, spank my ass. Spank my ass with your hand, please.”

When he does it, no matter how gently or pathetically he manages to spank you, you moan like James Deen himself has just written his name on your cervix with the tip of his dick, you hear me?!? Moan, girl, moan! Then say:

“Oh god, yes. Please, again, Sir. Harder, Please.”

PLAY OUT THIS SCENE. It should unfold nicely on its own at this point. If, for some reason, this goes horribly wrong - I’m very sorry! But this is what it might take for you to find out your guy may not have a Dom in him. At that point, you can accept him as he is, or take more baby steps - or you can let him run into the bathroom and curl up in the fetal position to weep, while you log onto fetlife to update your relationship status.

At this point, experienced subs are calling shenanigans on me, saying “That’s topping!” And, some of you subs are saying “But I don’t want to have to train my own Dom!”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But look. You’ve got a guy, right? And maybe he didn’t sign up for this when you hooked up because you forgot to wear your “I’m a submissive” choker on that first date. So on the one hand, you’ve got this guy. And on the other, you’ve got these fantasies you want fulfilled. Someone has to initiate the process - and since you’re the one reading this, that’s clearly YOU. 

I’m just leading you to that first step. I’m helping you get the activity you want in the hopes it will awaken your guy’s inner Dom. He might not have one!! But if he does, and if you follow the above, you’ll have his strict attention. And from there, you can explain that you want him to be in control. Not you.

After this initial session, you’ll want to debrief him. My advice is to let this go how it goes. I only have one coaching: DO NOT ASK “yes” or “no” questions.

“Did you like that?” You ask. GUESS WHAT HIS ANSWER IS?

“Yeah.”

Now you not only don’t know whether he really liked it, you haven’t learned ANYTHING about him. So ask Open-ended questions only. Here are some conversation starters:

“How did it make you feel to Dominate me like that?”

“What did you like about that?”

“What did you like doing to me?”

“What else would you like to do to me?”

“What would you like me to do for you?”
#6 Be Patient

Your guy might jump on this! I know I would. But, on the other hand, this kind of behavior may go against how he was raised. Maybe his dad abused his mom and the thought of striking another woman horrifies him. Maybe he was abused. Maybe he was just raised by midwestern folks with traditional family values and he doesn’t know quite what to make of all this. (That was me.) So be PATIENT. Keep telling him how it makes you when he takes control. Tells you to do something. Spanks you. Whatever it is. Give him lots of encouraging feedback.
#7 Research Together

And by research? Read and watch porn. I love this class! You’re already on tumblr. Show him the images that really get your juices flowing. Show him your blog. Let him start his own!

Here are some links to get you started on your reading journey:

Domination for Nice Guys

Advice to a Novice Dom

Learning To Be A Dom

Qualities of a Successful Dominant

What Should A Dominant Be?

I hope this plan gives you a place to start.

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Papa Tony:  I also suggest this page full of links on similar topics.

Being a Slave-Owning Master Who Is Sadistic, and Sweet

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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nachtsoul said: Definitions of terms in BDSM appear to vary widely. I am curious as to where you define ‘slave’ and what inner change in you made you go from non-owning to owning… and just what owning means to you. I have two boys of my own and a prospective third. In thinking on our relationships and their evolution, it leads me to curiosity about what it would mean to evolve Sir/boy to Master/slave, not that I think any of them is of a mind to go there. But I wonder anyway.

Papa Tony:

I am in no mood to make apocalyptic, all-encompassing and definitive declarations about what is right and proper. I make no pretense of being anything but what I am.

By being metaphorically naked before everyone (you see that I don’t hide very much), my goal is to be a role-model for others in similar circumstances.

Like you, good brother.

I Was Trained By My First Slave

You heard that right - slaves teach Masters. His needs made him request more from me, rather than just being my boy. I was wary of taking him on in that way. I was ignorant, but he asked so sweetly.

I found that I LIKED what the slave proposed. We started a process of making new agreements that continues to this day.

I will refer only to my first slave in the remainder of this article. I will brag about the OTHER slave in future writings.

The Slave Wanted Chastity

He already owned three cock-cages. I had had no experience with this.

Or, so I thought.

As it happily turned out, I have been into orgasm-control for my entire adult life. In my youth forty years ago, I used to delight in attending huge, blue-ribbon Championship-Round fuck-parties. I was famous for going from sling to sling, and FORCING ecstatic, full-body orgasms on anybody who wanted one. I used techniques that I have shared here and here.

I liked taking the choice of timing away from them. They liked to think that they knew what they were only possibly capable of? I would show them several steps beyond what they could imagine. It’s my ferociously-kinky desire to blow the top of their head off with pleasure.

I have had dozens of men chastise me over the years, saying “After you, I haven’t found anybody nearly as good, damn it!” That’s why I happily reveal what I know. I want everybody else to succeed.

Yes, I am bragging, but then…. It’s not bragging if it’s true.

In any case, I took to chastity-play with natural enthusiasm. It really rocks my boat! We are “cumming-up” on our ninth anniversary together. He hasn’t had an unauthorized orgasm in most of those years, and he doesn’t want another one, for the rest of his life. He now cums hands-free, nearly every time.

Nowadays, I like to make it harder and harder for him to cum. Countdown timers are nice - If he doesn’t cum by the time the timer goes off, then he’s back on chastity for another week.

Then, when he succeeds, I make the time SHORTER, next time. Very sadistic. I never promised the slave that his training would be easy.
The Slave Wants To Be Fully-Owned

We do not live together. He has a long-time, vanilla husband, as do I. So, the lovely 24/7 live-in submissive slave thing is a great fantasy, hut not practical for us.

So, we see each other a minimum of once a week, but usually several times a week. This is a good description of what usually ensues. Show it to your subs - It may appeal to them on some levels.

He has told me hundreds of times that I own every part of his body, his soul, and his orgasms. They all belong to me. I take that responsibility very seriously and pleasurably.

What I DON’T mention enough in that article is the service aspect. I have taken many joyous, gloating photos of the slave cleaning my home, while naked, collared, butt-plugged and cock-caged.

 

He also opens doors for me, bathes me (and washes carefully between my toes, (to head off athlete’s foot). He takes care of my leathers. He gives sensational foot-rubs.

The slave shaves my head and face, and makes all travel itinerary plans. He handles details that I might otherwise miss. He happily covers every aspect of serving my rather unique needs.

I am a Master who lives in a nearly-constant state of exalted deep thought (I call it “Big Brain Mode”). It can be exhausting. I need the focused services of submissives in order to function well.

Yeah, the slave is taking care of ME, but after he has completed his tasks, I rock his WORLD. Every orgasm that I allow him is a 10 out of 10. No exceptions.

He Rejoices In My Kinky Pleasures

He is not even remotely a Pain Pig. In fact, he would be perfectly happy if he never had any pain for the rest of his life.

If he didn’t know me.

Instead, he grooves on the happy, happy noises I make when I have him strapped down and vulnerable. I throw my most extreme toys and techniques at him, and he is gratified, every time. After all of these years, I can still surprise and stimulate him. He gives me constant feedback with his words, his fantasies and his behavior, which helps me to up my game.

His pleasure comes from knowing that service to me includes satisfying my sadistic nature. I can allow the Beast within me to walk the streets, and still know that I am a good man, because he is so grateful afterward.

If I go for a long period of time without going all Neanderthal on him, he will start dropping heavy hints in order to fire-up the boilers. I do get stuck in my head sometimes.
He Like To Be An Object

Being hooded makes the slave VERY happy. He likes to hand all of his power away to his trusted Sir. This started out as my idea, and he just went bonkers with pleasure.

I loan him out to other Sirs for kinky play, in my presence. They eagerly ask for my permission to play with him, because he is maximally exciting and pleasurable. I’ve never met a sub who could do what he does, in terms of pure, stimulating feedback.

Any Sir who plays with him turns into a flame-snorting lustmonster, and who makes a beeline for us at every play-event, afterward. I have been doing this for years, and have never had reason to regret it. The Sirs who know us also know that I am vigilantly protective of my fully-owned property.

I do not loan him out for sex. That is reserved for the two of us, by mutual agreement.
Here Is A Good Story, To Illustrate


I like to take the slave to international kinky events, like IML, Folsom Street Fair and the like.

I will hood and shackle him, and walk him through the crowd, guiding him with a hand on the back of the neck, and a few words: “Stop. Step up on the curb.” I like to eventually “park” him in a public place. I jam three fingertips into his chest, which is our mutually-understood protocol meaning “Stay Here.”

Then, I walk away.

I am well-known, so while I am standing thirty feet away in the crowd, dozens of folks will come up for a hug and a blessing. I will visit with them, and then say “Do me a favor - the slave is over there - Use him as if he belonged to you.”

I can do this because I KNOW what will happen. The folks that I send over would never, ever disrespect me by abusing my property. They make a few mild gestures at teasing and torturing him, along with some dirty talk, and that’s it. This pleases and excites me, and the slave glories in his submission.

I Honor The Slave’s Deep Devotion

I am courteous with the slave. His desires DEFINE him, so I would never dismiss or ignore them. He is 100% present with me in his slavery, so I return the slave’s respect and devotion with my own, entirely-honest feedback. I use these phrases, and many others, but only if they are my truth.

The more that the slave submits, the more that I dominate. He gives me feedback, so that we grow together. His hunger to serve, please and sustain my needs are vitamins for my soul, so I never miss a chance to SAY so.

I assert that my natural kindness, courtesy and sweetness only add to my value as a Sir, a Dom, and a ferocious, slave-Owning Master.
Why Listen To Only One Viewpoint?

Let’s let the slave explain, in his own words. These recordings were made after a couple of intense play-scenes, while cuddling in bed during aftercare:

Audio Clip 1

Audio Clip 2