What Drives Dominance

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cherishedproperty:

When I started learning about power exchange relationships, I saw two core needs: one side that needed to take control and another that needed to give it. But over time, I learned that flavors of D/s dynamics are nearly as numerous as the people in them. People come to this lifestyle for different reasons. They are driven by different core needs, and that leads them to construct the dynamic in very different ways. As I see it, dominance stems from three core needs: control, responsibility, and possession.

Control. 

Most Dominants crave control. But the key is in why they crave it. Some see control as a way to exercise responsibility or to maintain possession. But some just want control. My control Dominant lived for the moments where he took and I gave. Sexual control, cooking his meals, driving him for haircuts. He commanded, I obeyed. It all feels very par for the course. But over time I realized that he really just wanted the control. He accepted responsibility for me as the price for getting control. If he’d been able to control me without responsibility or ownership, I think he gladly would have.

Responsibility. 

Many Dominants will accept responsibility, but very few have it at the core of their dominance. These Dominants are servant leaders. They thrive on putting their submissives’ needs first and helping their submissives grow. My responsibility Dominant put his own needs aside for mine over and over.

Outside the bedroom, he primarily took control when it helped to fulfill my needs. He gave me a bedtime when I wasn’t sleeping well. He gave me tasks when he knew the connection would keep me grounded. His core driving need as a Dominant was the ensuring the happiness and success of his submissive.

Possession. 

I specifically didn’t use the word ownership here, because I think Dominants can crave ownership as a path to control, responsibility, or possession. But this is about the need for all-encompassing, unending possession of another person. My possession Dominant wanted there to be nothing he didn’t know about me. He said he owned every part of me, past and present. And he worked to eliminate every instinct I had to keep any part of myself private.

On finding out I once played an instrument in high school (and still owned said instrument), he had me record myself playing it. And every time I masturbated, he had me write detailed reports of everything I did and everything I looked at or thought about. No hiding. No dignity. Yes, he exercised a great deal of control in doing this, but it wasn’t about the control itself. It was about taking possession of every part of me.

Most Dominants have varying amounts of these, rather than being purely driven by one of them. And even so, no configuration is inherently better than another. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, and there are wonderful, attentive, loving Dominants across the spectrum of these needs. But these core needs do matter. 

People may do the same things but for very different reasons. And while people generally look for compatibility in the THINGS (protocol, titles, fetishes), they should be looking for compatibility in the NEEDS.

Identity: Faggot, Omega, Boy

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Alexander Martin:

I started writing this blog off the suggestion of a fellow alpha. In thinking back this was really the birth of the gay boy bible. I wrote this post to help define some terms and i want to reblog it here, because this is a more appropriate home for it. Before we get to the definitions let’s talk about identity.

When it comes to identity, recognize that bdsm has an unbelievable spectrum of people within it and identity is often more complicated than a single title. Maybe all of them are part of you but some are more pronounced than others. You don’t need to adopt any of them, but at least you’ll have the language to talk about different approaches to BDSM.

A faggot, omega, or boy could all identify as a title other than the ones i use to describe them. But that’s a great conversational point. You can in conversation use your preferred title, and use that as a launching board to talk about yourself and your kinky interests. In this way you can have a title that’s unique to you, but still lead someone to get to know you in the first few minutes of conversation.

Dominants, as a final word on the subject before getting into definitions. Recognize that behavior and titles are not linked. Not every submissive you meet is a boy. Not every submissive you meet is a faggot. Take a moment to get to know them a little and ask about their preferred title and use it. One of the number one ways people have accidentally pissed off @bredbeta was to refer to him as a faggot. He is a boy and despises the term faggot.

- Beta/Boy: A Beta’s primary motivation is respect. A beta will often say to himself “is this person worthy of my submission?” He takes a great deal of pride in his submission. He prefers that he feel respected and protected by his Alpha/Dom/Sir. That respect is central to who he is. Betas draw confidence from the one they serve and are often personally bettered by serving one they deem fit to serve. Their submission is strength to them because they feel like a better stronger person by giving up control to someone worthy of it. Beta’s often seek out Alphas who exhibit strengths where they have weaknesses or who embody ideals they wish they had.

Beta: “I submit because i am strong, not because i am weak.”

- Omega: An omega’s motivating factor is to be treated as “below” others. An omega wants to be at the bottom of any established pecking order. He desires to be made to feel that he is rarely (if ever) considered. Whether that consideration be his feelings, his well being, or his needs. His NEED is simply to be used and then ignored. He enjoys being used in absolutely any way he can. Note: it is abuse to completely disregard another person’s needs and well being even when they ask for it. Don’t do that. Be a responsible dominant. Establish limits for yourself. Stay within them.

Omega: “I submit because i am weak and you are stronger/superior.”

- Faggot: A Faggot is motivated by dick (and many times cum). They revel in the sensations of being a slut. At the end of the day a faggot is most happy when he has taken all (or given) the dick and/or jizz that he possibly could. If that goal is accomplished, faggots don’t seem to usually mind putting up with insults or disrespect so long as they are allowed to meet their goal.

Faggot: “I’m a bitch huh? This bitch took 30 dicks today. No one fucks better than me.”

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Hi. I'm still very new to your blog. I just read your post "Faggot, Omega, Boy" and I'm trying to see where I fit in this. Because some times ago, I realized that what I trully crave is to be humiliated, to feel violated, may be below others like the omega. I like to please my superioir, but, more than that, I wanna please him in the most degrading way because it turn me on and because it turn him on too. I want him to use my body, control me and push me further into my submission and degradation.

I wrote that article to get dominants to realize that not all boys are the same cookie cutter shape. That boys are different and need to be treated differently depending on their motivations for submission. Treating boys the same was one of the biggest mistakes I made as a dominant early on.

But to directly answer your question, that particular motivation most falls under faggot as being disrespected is part of your motivation. That disqualifies you from boy and omegas have a powerful need to be under others in a social structure.

Two things to keep in mind:

1) Use whatever title you want - If you really dislike faggot, then don’t feel obligated to use it. I’m well aware that there are a number of men and boys who will never read my blog through use of the word faggot. My boy is actually one such boy. You’ve accomplished the most important goal of the article. Being able to tell a dominant what motivates you. You’d be surprised how hard it is to get boys to do this.

2) The titles in that article are not cut and dry - There are plenty of boys out there who have reposted that article without reading the foreword and been confused that they were a combination faggot/omega or that they’re usually a boy, but sometimes a faggot. I know this is the case and self expression isn’t as simple as putting oneself into a single box. Be in touch with how you’re feeling. Being able to tell your Sir, “I’m feeling pretty faggoty today” would be an absolute blessing. Dominants can’t read your mind, so having some ready terms to use to tell us how you feel is an excellent way to submit.

I would like to point out to everyone (as it seems to get missed a lot)…

1) Identities are helpful as a tool for understand yourself and your motivations. If you choose to embrace them that’s perfectly fine, but only so long as they’re doing good things for you (making you happy).

2) Human beings are not neat. We don’t generally fit into a single box. You may have some or ALL of these inside of you. The point here is being able to articulate your needs to not just say “dom me” but rather “I’m feeling like a faggot today.”

Types of Relationships

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Alexander Martin:

A submissive recently was asking some questions about how my relationship with @bredbeta​ worked. I am not interested in being an entirely public figure but I can go into what I feel some basics of relationships are without discussing ours. There are MANY relationship types. I can’t cover them all, I’m sure I don’t even know them all. I do not intend to exclude anyone or reduce their experience, but I do want to cover variants on sexual relationships since that is where my blog’s content centers. So find below some definitions, tips, and advice I’d gotten from other couples I found useful (as well as from personal experience). If this works for you, great! If not, then feel free to ignore it.

Relationship models

- Romantically and Sexually Monogamous: I think we’re all familiar with this type. For a variety of reasons this relationship is the one that society tends to prefer. Many people fake this model of relationship while engaging privately in others. That’s their business. For this relationship, romantic or sexual activity with another person usually constitutes cheating.

- Romantically Monogamous Sexually Non-Monogamous: This is becoming more common in the gay community. In this model one or both partners is free to fuck other people without worrying it is a threat to the relationship (ideally both sides feel this way). This model has a good degree of flexibility. Both sides may not really limit each other in terms of who they play with or when. Both sides may agree with very specific rules (you can fuck someone but no kissing that’s just for us). In this model, what constitutes cheating is usually (and should be) discussed and worked out in advance and varies from person to person.

- Romantically Non-Monogamous Sexually Monogamous: This model is one I have not encountered in the wild. My understanding is that some poly couples might want to explore romantic feelings with other partners but maintain an intimate sexual connection with their primary partner (to be explained below). Dating would likely not be considered cheating in this model, but sexual activity of any kind would be considered cheating.

- Romantically and Sexually Non-Monogamous: This model is more commonly referred to as “poly” or “polyamorous”. This model of relationship is extremely varied. So much so it is difficult to truly define it down and still do it any justice. If this sounds like an interesting proposition I strongly recommend you find any number of poly resources who can do a far better job than I at making suggestions and introducing you to the subject. That said here’s my best crack at it. Generally, two people engage in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with each other. They then define how they want that relationship to work by talking it out. Those two people become each other’s “Primary” the primary is their first concern when it comes to meeting romantic and/or sexual needs. From there they date other people and fuck other people as they have time and may engage that new person in a relationship as well. From there the primary may get to know the secondary and outcomes vary from there. Cheating does exist in this model but what constitutes cheating is up to individuals in the relationship.

Cheating

- What is cheating?: Cheating is when one partner engages in an action that breaks a rule about conduct that causes emotional pain to their romantic partner. Cheating is a tricky subject because it may not always be known in advance that a course of action constitutes cheating. By default, I assume nothing. I bring everything up with my partner. Feels silly sometimes, but better to ask permission than forgiveness.

- How to avoid being a cheater: I am a proponent of Dan Savage’s model. Honesty. Know yourself and be honest about what you need. Then have a conversation with your partner and if you think something needs to be discussed bring it up. Talk it out. Recognize that you may not get 100% of what you want from someone else and that might be the price of admission into the relationship. So it’s important to know the difference between wants and needs. Then once you agree on something STICK TO IT. If you need to revisit the model of your relationship and adjust something, bring it up and talk it out. Always assume that if an action is not discussed it is off limits and bring it up before performing the action.

- He cheated on me. Now what?: Well that depends on the severity of the fuck up. I mean, when someone cheats on you, it makes you question your trust in that person and often, their ability to make good decisions. Cheating is not always cause for a break up. Talk the situation out with them. No one ever thinks they’re the bad guy so try not to assume they’re doing it just to hurt you. Couples are on the same team… if you ever aren’t on the same team… if your partner becomes your adversary. It is the beginning of the end.

Setting up a relationship

- Discussion: Sit down with your partner and discuss how you would like things to work. Be a bit flexible. Know your wants and know your needs. Be honest with each other. Talk about everything and if you have a concern from something that went wrong in a previous relationship, let them know what happened and why it bothered you.

- Write it all out: Each of you should have a copy of what you write out after discussing. Update it if necessary. Writing everything down is simply because memory is fallible. It will head off an argument later by writing it down now. Be as specific as you both feel you need to be. Once you both have something you’re happy with. Agree that the document reflects the person you are at that moment and that your respective needs and understanding may evolve as you evolve over time.

- Check in: Check in is a regular time you set aside with your partner to discuss your relationship. If there’s something that has been bothering you, you can bring it up during a check in. If something good happened or they did something well, bring that up too! If you have questions or need clarifications on things you agreed to, bring those up. Make check in a normal part of the relationship. Set aside the time together regularly. Make sure that you do check in, in a comfortable setting but try to avoid intimacy and set aside roles. Do not let minor issues fester, bring them up and see if a resolution can be reached. Have a solution in mind so you’re not simply thrusting the problem onto your partner without any idea what to do to fix it.

Maintaining a relationship

- Do what works: This is my number one rule. So long as it works for both partners, DO WHAT WORKS. For example. Don’t be afraid of what others will think of a non-monogamous relationship if that’s what it takes to keep both partners happy and engaged. Conversely, if something isn’t working any more, take some time, figure out why something isn’t working, have an idea for a solution, and discuss it. Easy example. I had a relationship with a guy and when we started out I wanted to be sexually non-monogamous and he wanted monogamy. We discussed it and he admitted he was afraid that so early in the relationship that if I started fucking another guy might lead to me losing interest in him and leaving. I acknowledged his concern. I reaffirmed that I was interested in him and asked if he would feel more comfortable opening up the relationship later on when he was more secure that I was not going anywhere. He agreed.

Ending a relationship

- Spend some time apart: I’ve found this to be the number one way to get over someone after a break up. I don’t see them, I don’t spend time with them, and I don’t talk to them. I take the time to decompress and form my own identity once again. I go from “we” to “me”. How long this takes varies based on the person, the relationship, the nature of the break up. Just be generous, get some time alone and you’ll recover.

- Can we be friends?: You did have some points in common with this person, or you would not have dated them in the first place so sometimes a friendship can be maintained after breaking up. Sometimes it’s just too hard to maintain the friendship or things keep slipping back into old patterns. If you cannot manage it, be honest about it. Explain and be as assertive as you need to be to get to a place you feel comfortable in.

- You can’t stop someone from leaving: This was the single greatest piece of advice I ever got (and it came from a total asshole). You cannot stop someone from leaving if they REALLY want to leave. All you can ever do is be a person that they want to stay with. Do that, and even if they leave… someone better will take their place. Good luck.

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Dear Sir Your insight and knowledge of the BSDM lifestyle is right on point . I totally agree with your responses. I only want to know is why should our lifestyle be restrained by society's rules on relationships. We should be able to live, love and have sex anyway we feel is right, as long as it is with a consenting adult partner. Thank you for your insights.

Here’s some additional thoughts:

My relationship with my boy is Sexually Non Monogamous, Romantically Monogamous. I’ve thought about how i would do in a variety of relationship models and even tried to imagine some configurations i hadn’t heard of before. One of the things i came to realize is that while there’s nothing wrong with trying new relationship models, it’s important that some things be considered.

Do both people feel connected?

Do both people feel romance if romance is a component?

People involved gave consent, was anyone reticent to do so? Why?

And the list goes on. But my point is that in considering new relationship types make sure that when you’re done, it feels like a relationship to you. So long as you’re very clear in defining what you have with another person don’t be afraid to pull some good practices from other models.

Labels 101

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Thank You Sir for the opportunity. First allow me to explain my thought process. Back on that picture where we discussed a bit it was said that “that slave should be a boy”. This is where my doubts began. When it was commented, I assumed that there could only exist a Master/slave OR a Daddy/boy relationship. This was before You said something about a Master/boy relationship. Something I’ve never heard of before. I’ve started to learn about Dom/sub lifestyle recently.

With that in mind, my first questions are the following: How does a Master/slave relationship differs from a Master/boy one? Is it possible to be a slave to a Daddy? If so, how would it work? If not, what is the reason behind it? Do all of these relationships start with a boy and then he ends up becoming a slave or a son? Is it a natural process to become a slave to a Master and a son to a Daddy? Or can the other way around also occur, as I asked before?

Thank You Sir for Your time and help in understanding all of this.

realpowerexchange:

Let’s begin with a few observations:
… Tumblr information, with the exception of a few blogs, is porn based and the captions/stories are meant to titillate, rather than educate.
… There are commonly accepted “truths” regarding power play relationships (i.e., a slave is treated more harshly than a boy); however they are not etched in stone and whatever works for the people involved in a relationship is all that truly matters.
… Important: All things are possible.

On to your questions…

Consensual power exchange relationships have existed long before the internet and sites like Tumblr focused their spotlights on them. While each relationship is unique, the common thread is one partner is dominant and one is submissive. The next step is to assign some means (a scale) to determine how “severe” each partner is in their respective role and then assign a label.

On the dominant side, a Master is generally thought to be somewhat dictatorial, issues orders and expects to be obeyed immediately and without question. A Dad is generally thought to employ a gentler touch; one that takes into account the feelings of his submissive.

On the submissive side, a slave its generally thought to have little to no say once his Master has issued an order. A boy is generally thought to be submissive but less rigidly so and is freer to express his opinions.

Stereotypical thinking would assume a Master has a slave and a Daddy has a boy. Again, this is not etched in granite. In a relationship, the important thing is how each party views himself and his partner. The dominant party my be viewed as a Master for a number of reasons and the submissive partner considers himself a boy. Labels are more important to outsiders than they are to the participants in a power exchange relationship.

While it is possible for the roles in power exchange relationships to morph, I believe it is the mindset of the submissive that determines if he is a slave or boy; if he craves psychological domination and control or if he thrives on physical abuse.

In the end there’s no right or wrong way to enter into a power exchange relationship (despite all the “rules” one reads on Tumblr); it all boils down to trust and chemistry and what works for the people involved.

Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships

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Anonymous said: I heard someone mention Dad/son and Daddy/boy relationships. Is there a difference? Or is there a difference between a Dad and a Daddy and a son and a boy?

If there are ANY differences or distinctions, it is entirely based upon the agreements and fantasies of the individuals involved.  In my own case, I have had nineteen collared boys in my life.  The relationships have been different in important ways with every one of them.

There is no formula or technical shop-manual.  We are all driven by individual desire and need.

My Years As A Daddy

Being a man with a very strong sense of self and dominance, I was a Daddy for most of my adult life.  In fact, the very first time a man called me “Daddy!” was when I was 21, and it felt right.

Really, really right.

I didn’t want to be called “Daddy Tony,” because my own father was such a terrible role-model.  I chose “Papa” as my personal scene-name and honorific, because I saw that word as  a kind, generous and affectionate term to describe myself.

 I would happily have had that name GIVEN to me in a ceremony by a crew of honored, wise elders, but by that time, they were all dead in the AIDS Holocaust.  I had to keep moving forward (as they would have wanted me to), and work toward taking their place.

What Makes Me A Daddy

Through these Daddy/boy relationships, I could practice my goal of being the good and decent man that I had never witnessed in my own family.  My boys could finally complete the incomplete relationships that they had with their own fathers, through me.

They could get the attention, praise, teaching and role-modeling that helped them get to where their hearts called them.  When they learned and grew, it caused my Daddy glands to secrete like CRAZY! 😀

Becoming A Slave-Owning Master

Why did I switch to being a slave-owning Master, so very late in life?  I certainly had no lack of slave-applicants over the decades.  I always pushed them away:

I DIDN’T WANT TO SUDDENLY SWITCH TO BEING AN ASSHOLE.

Yes, I struggled with the same stereotypes that everybody else has internalized from porn.  “Masters” always abused, degraded, scorned and treated submissives like something that they should scrape off of their shoe, right?

I’m not that guy, by choice.  I would be too GOOD at it, and for decades, I feared that part of myself.  I grew up with that sort of vile treatment, and oh, honey - I could easily be the best psychopath around.  I learned from the best.

With my wit, my perception and my keen observation skills, it wouldn’t take me more than a few minutes to discern somebody’s weak points, and to take advantage of them.  I could CRUSH anybody’s soul in a very short time.

I Chose To Go In A Different Direction

Those same observational skills work equally as well in perceiving greatness, inner beauty and innate worth.  I see the value in others, and hold the mirror up to them and say “Do you see what I see?  Do you see the gold?  You shine like a lighthouse, and I admire you.  Let me tell you what I see.  In detail.”

So, years back, I had my epiphany, and I made a public declaration at a Butchmanns Experience weekend, with everyone there acting as my dedicated witnesses:

I am a real, bona-fide Master.  I am not like others, and I am perfect this way.  No one can ever deny my validity, ever again. I am the real thing.

At that point, I shifted in my life’s journey.  In my private life, I am a slave-owning Master.  A sweet one.  In my public life, I am now a Granddaddy to tens of thousands of people worldwide.  I was a sensational Daddy.

Now, I am a Tribal Elder.  It feels right.

Really, really right.