Taking Care of Your Boy

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sir-erik: In the fantasy filled world of Tumblr we often see images and share the idea that power exchange is a one way dynamic between Sir and boy. Or worse even, that power exchange is all about sex. Real power exchange is incredible complex and holistic in nature.

If you wish to be a Sir you must accept the responsibility to take care of your boy, physically and emotionally. To illustrate this I want to share a few of the things I did for Boy Rick (@hyper-pup) this past weekend:

Helped him study for an upcoming exam Friday and Sunday.

Made him breakfast Saturday before he went off to help his family.

Got him some Advil when he had a headache.

Let him take a nap when he was exhausted from studying.

Held him when he needed to be held.

And what did Boy Rick do in return? Quite a bit, but that’s not the point of this post. I took care of him when he needed to be taken care of. That is my responsibility as a Sir, and one I gladly accept for such a wonderful boy.

ukstudentalpha:

It isn’t all one-way. Even things which seem selfish superficially can be so important for a boy.

When my boy is stressed or worried, nothing calms and centers him like Master’s cock. Nothing. To an outsider it looks like he’s doing me a favour, but I’m creating a space where he can be himself and focus on a singular goal.

lowestfagslave:

This is super important. Sometimes, as ukstudentalpha says, the boy needs to be centered and focussed on his MASTER’s cock or body, but a MASTER should also be able to take care of his boy emotionally in other ways. That might mean cuddling after an intense scene, or talking, or laughing, but always paying attention to the boy’s emotional needs. At the end of the day, all the responsible kinky guys I know here want to feel deeply connected with their partners. And that means that both guys’ needs count.

ukstudentalpha:

Perfectly put. Sometimes a good hug is all someone needs to feel better. Or a cup of tea. Or Master’s hands running through their hair. Or their boy’s head on their chest. Sometimes all we need is to sit down with someone and lay quietly, in eachother’s comfort. When it comes to kink, tender moments matter. The extremes of bondage, pain, chastity, financial domination, slavery, sexual service, domestic service… these are only powerful when placed in contrast with tenderness and laughter and friendship. Hot and cold. Light and dark.

bigbulltrainer:

This is a perfect example of the less mentioned side of side of D/s. Looking out for each other, caring deeply for one another.

It is often discussed what a sub, slave, fag ect should do for you, less often the responsibilities of a Dom. One of those responsibilities is giving structure to our subs. It’s part of what draws them to D/s in the first place, a clear purpose and focus in their day to day. I wont pretend that as Doms, we arent getting something out it, I have yet to meet the Dom who grumbles “God my boy sucks my dick TOO good” or “damn it, why is my fag so thoughtful?”. But it is the structure they crave. a place where they can let go, feel safe, be themselves, a place to center in a way they cant typically do outside of the environment we as Doms create for them.

So take care of your boys! Let them know you care!

Real Life Is Not A Porn Video. Adjust Your Expectations Accordingly.

Hundreds more articles like this can be found

at the Kink Mentoring Archives… Spread the word!

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Papa Tony: A man that I am mentoring says:

I had a lot of slave boys on Skype and used to make cam sessions but mostly humiliation and degradation of the slaves, not this other kind that i am discovering from u… That to be a Master u have to be compassionate, which i felt out of the place for feeling empathy with the slaves. 
In real life as i told have met only 5 sub guys of all ages and only with the last one who was older then me we met several times until he decided to ignore me without explanation. But ur blog and wisdom which comes from real experience has opened my eyes.
Initially the first days on Tumblr too, pages which suggested that subs are less than real men, just to be used and abused and thrown away etc etc.
Made me feel real bad. It’s true that i love humiliating, degrading make one feel less than me but just in role play not in real life. I am a tender person who cares deeply for the others and would never do something to make uncomfortable someone out of the play role.
Apparently the lack of experience made me so confused.  Those few man i met were in this kind of thing where u just had to use them and never look back at them. Hooked up with them online sites like cam4 etc
That’s why i think the last sub i had maybe is not attracted to me anymore because the last 2 times i asked him to stay over, and needed someone to take care too just a human being not a worthless piece of shit like he liked to be treated.
But apparently that was his choice of life which i don’t want. I like to be a jerk only in role play but not in real life. I try to do things even that I don’t like just because i know the sub would like it. I don’t like scat but some slaves like it and allowed them to clean my ass after taking a dump etc etc.I am really confused Tony, in this period. 
I have been in relationships only with woman and being kinky with these men i thought it was impossible to have a relationship with a man. Its been almost 3 years now without a relationship just sex and a year in gay sex. But lately feeling the need to share things with someone like in a real relationship

None of what you say surprises me.  You speak for many men.  Be assured that I can help you with thousands of questions. I probably need to write a book on JUST the topic of finding balance as a Sir, a lover and a good man.  I want to be an even stronger advocate in the world for being an Ethical Sadist, who can also be a sweetheart.

First, a book recommendation link:  King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore.  Every time that I read it, I learn more about how to be a healthy, mature masculine man. I am a better Sir as a result.

Our kinky gay-male subculture is starving for leaders, role-models and mentors.  Do an experiment:  Do an Internet search for the phrase “tumblr kinky gay mentoring”  - The results are nearly all extreme fantasy crap that does not feed the soul of the sensitive, perceptive and ethical Sir.

The ONE exception that shows up?  Me.  My writings.  I’m it.  That’s an upsetting thing.  Some men who didn’t show up, but who SHOULD, are my good buddies @realpowerexchange and @Alexander Martin.  They are good men and fine Sirs who are just as committed to helping others have happier lives.

I’ve been saying for years that this is all because of AIDS.  The men who knew the most, were the first ones to die, and were not replaced.  So, two entire generations have risen up since those days without loving, kindly and wise mentors.  Dozens of such men used to be a BIG part of my own personal growth… and then they all died.

Tumblr is a SHITTY role-model.  When there is no other source of useful knowledge, no wonder there are so few long-term couples and Leather Families at Folsom Street Fair.  Just large amounts of men in great need of being claimed.

I am going to make a dangerous, risky declaration:

Kink, Leather and Fetish, done right, is just Extreme Intimacy.

Why would this be risky? Because the vast majority of the discussion online says that a Dom should be like a light switch:  always ready to turn on.  There is almost nothing out there on the Internet supporting the sensitive, perceptive Dom, who needs to be the full expression of a man:

On one end, vulnerable, and emotionally accessible.  On the other, hardcore Sadist - and, everywhere in between, as needed.

Any submissive who doesn’t know this needs to learn it, right now:  If you put your prospective Sir into a box of preconceptions and then nail down the cover, you are robbing yourself of a deep, long-term relationship.  If you want a perfect play-partner who never, ever fails you, I suggest getting one of these:

Okay.  I’m done complaining.  I just hear from so many lonely subs and Sirs.  I wish that I could take 100% of what I have learned and give it away, so that others can be just as satisfied and fulfilled.

There are TWO things, and two things ONLY, that cause long-term relationships to stay together forever.  Kindness and Generosity.  Science has proven this beyond all doubt.  Yes, you can have that, AND wildly kinky fun.  One does not preclude the other.  I can’t imagine what treating a sub like shit has to do with any of that.

I have a long-term husband (together 28 years) and two slaves (7.5 and 3.5 years).  We are in perfect harmony.  No bitchiness, no jealousy.  How do we manage this?  We have ALL read the Official Shop Manual for lifelong gay-male relationships:  The Male Couple - How Relationships Develop, by Drew Mattison and David MacWhirter.  It’s out of print, but widely available in used condition, online.  It helped all of us to get past insecurity/jealousy issues that our culture promotes.

I have had nineteen collared boys and six owned slaves since 1977.  I have never felt the desire to treat any of them like something that I would scrape off of my shoe, and THAT’S OKAY.  I grew up in a violently abusive childhood, and I know the cost of mental, physical, sexual and emotional cruelty.  So, I don’t do those things, and THAT’S OKAY, TOO.  Not being part of those stereotypes does not make me a bad, flawed, insufficient or fake Sir.

My mentoring articles reflect this same philosophy, and they go back many years.  My hope is to keep contributing to them for many MORE years.

I’m a really, REALLY good, satisfying and powerful Dom.  I am sensitive, perceptive, and a hell of a lot of creative fun.  If any of this sounds like you, then stick around, brother.  Send me questions.  I am a champion for men like us.