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Alexander Martin:
There are a lot of different styles of domination which in turn means there are many different ways to establish intimacy with a submissive. Intimacy isn’t just the cuddly feelings one sees on an after school special. Intimacy is a matter of connecting with another person while getting them to lower their barriers.
Traditional love and relationships give you warm fuzzies. BDSM relationships can do that too, but with subspace and domspace in play it can also deepen those headspaces, spur creativity, and build the trust and experience to try more daring scenes.
In BDSM we expend energy differently from traditional love. We put intense energy into each other through, mental control, physical beatings, pushing boundaries, etc. This cycle can be as intense as you like, but it’s very obviously cyclical. It’s cyclical in that the dominant puts whatever type of energy into his submissive, the submissive receives and happily presents or pushes back for more. The positive reception of whatever actions the dominant takes is exciting and can stir more intense play. With greater mastery over our respective roles we can do short intensely passionate play, or longer slow burning play as suits our whims. That variability and ability to meet our own mind and body needs in the moment is incredibly gratifying.
If the person you’re seeing is a candidate for a deeper connection, here’s a few ways to make that happen.
- Make time for intimacy: This one is primarily for those in some sort of BDSM relationship, but really any ongoing play partner can benefit from it. One of the easiest ways to build intimacy is trust exercises. When I first heard this I envisioned the very standard “fall into your partner’s arms” and gave the fellow alpha some side eye. But he pointed out that a submissive falling into the big strong arms of his Sir and not only being caught, but looking up into his eyes while feeling safe can really make for quite a connection (you can also spice it up by doing it nude). Just one trust exercise at the beginning of each session will lay some excellent ground work. You can also incorporate it into scenes for a moment here and there. But ultimately, whatever method you use to instill intimacy, make sure you do it often.
- Listen and ask questions: Do this at the beginning of interactions with someone who could be a play partner. Interest in them and their needs is sexy and creates comfort. Comfort is an ideal sensation for strengthening connections.
- Validate his experiences: I’ve spoken to guys and told them for example my challenges finding play partners as a dominant bear, and I’ve heard in response something like: “oh no, you just have to x, y, z.” Hearing someone counter my experience (even when they’re trying to help) makes anyone feel invalidated. What you want to do: “Man that’s really challenging, how do you cope?” for example. You want to acknowledge everyone faces challenges and empathize. Even if you think they’re wrong or could improve their approach, first thing you want to do is validate their experiences. That will engender trust. Trust is a really important component for connection with another person.
- Cycle intensity (and intimacy) on and off: An intense experience like a caning followed up by a hug and a water bottle when they need a break is a good example. It’s both unexpected, and the intensity of the experience can strengthen the feeling of connection between dominant and submissive. In a scene the way to keep intensity fresh is to cycle intensity up and down. Intimacy and connection works a bit differently. A play partner isn’t necessarily a romantic one, so instead of cycling the intensity of intimacy or connection up and down, cycle it on and off. Moments of consideration, altruism, and intimacy here and there to show someone they’re valued and important.
- Maintain lots of eye contact: The intent here is to show you’re focused on the person you’re with and that they have your attention. As a dominant eye contact is generally a very good idea. A strong and intense gaze can set submissive boypussy ablaze. For a submissive, well it depends on your dominant a bit. Some men will take it as a challenge which can be exciting, but if they don’t maintain as much of it as you can. You do want to focus on your dominant after all.
- Know your partner: The most important part of connection and intimacy is knowing what’s important to your partner. Some men don’t want ANY intimacy because they fear it will simply lead to a relationship or they just aren’t interested. Other men will crave it. You have to be intelligent about the application of intimacy and forming connections based on what you know of a person and gauge whether it’s appropriate and how is acceptable to apply intimacy. Ironically knowing someone well is probably the most important way to build connection. Anticipating someone’s wants or needs is usually the best way to go.
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