Coming Out as Kinky

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Alexander Martin:

Is it even necessary? When and why should you or should you not be open about your sexual interests? In this article I’m going to focus more on the negative side of coming out. This is NOT because I believe coming out as a kinkster is not important, valuable, or the right way to live your life. I explore them because I want anyone reading this to be aware of pitfalls BEFORE you do it so you can carefully take stock of your own situation.

- How important is kink to you?: This question is the absolute crux of the issue. Are you someone who enjoys a light spanking but could otherwise take or leave kink? Then you may not find it worth coming out as being open as a kinkster can have some negative consequences. I would advise that unless kinkster is a core part of your identity. If you NEED a Sir or a boy and to live the life within kink framework that is where coming out carefully and selectively is most valuable. After all, it truly is a blessing to have important people know you for who you really are.

- Work: Almost all of the time, no. Do not be out at work. There are some work spaces where co-workers have an almost familial bond and you feel like nothing bad could ever happen to you. Maybe in that instance it’s ok to be known as a kinkster. Imagine you are good friends with a co-worker, mention that you’re into kink to them, and maybe even show them some pics of you at a leather bar with a guy you’re seeing. Later, a disagreement occurs, or perhaps you’re promoted over them, and they’re suddenly threatening to show that information to your boss. Workplaces can openly fire you for being a kinkster and they could even mention it to another job doing a background check resulting in further issues and make it hard to get away from that bad situation.

- Friends: Friends are probably the safest space to come out in. Be mindful of who you’re telling and try to get a sense of what they think of kink on a nebulous level beforehand though. After all, hearing “I dunno, it’s not for me.” is not as revealing as “They’re all freaks and I hope I never run into one of them.” In all likelihood you’ll already have a good sense of who to tell and who not to tell. If you’re revealing information selectively, be sure to add to the conversation that you’re telling someone because you feel close to them and the information is not general knowledge.

- Parents: I wouldn’t. Parents do have a right to not be confronted with their kid’s sexuality. After all most of us would be mortified to see or think about our parents having sex. So we do them the same courtesy they do us and obscure it as best we can for the sake of familial comfort. So keep your dungeon locked while parents are visiting.

- Partner: As I said earlier, it really matters how important this is to you. If you’ve recently discovered how important kink is to you I would encourage you to tell your partner. Be upbeat about it. Talk about it as a moment where you’ve gained some clarity on yourself and wanted to share. Make sure to present it as a positive thing. After all, knowing yourself better and thus what makes you happy should strengthen a relationship. If your partner isn’t conducive to the kind of play you need to engage in, ask if you can play outside of the relationship. Take it slow, remember, he’s processing all this for the first time right now. How long did it take you to get to where you are now?

As for dating, should you come out to them? Again, depends on what you need and how important it is to you. What if you want to live the lifestyle? You should be talking it through with every guy you meet. It should be a part of every profile you have. If you want to engage in some spanking or rough sex now and again, mention it when the conversation is on sex anyways. You want to make the tone of the conversation that you dabble in some light kink and they seem like a fun person to play with.

- Closing thoughts: We’ve only got one life to live and it is a beautiful thing to be known, accepted, and loved for who we are at our core. Sometimes that means we can cultivate a group of people who can embrace and treasure every aspect of us as the unique creatures we are.