Online Porn Doms Terrify Me

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mysadisticdesires:

The mindset frightens me, the entitlement and that sudden rage that overcomes them when they don’t get their way…

The idea that because they identify as a d-type, or at least they think they do, means that every s-type will fall to their knees in worship is ridiculous! If you’ve spent any time in the scene then you know that a certain respect is given which goes both ways but never an unwielding devotion because you’re on the left side of the slash.

These relationships/dynamics are built on intimate information gathered about your partner. You have to know everything you would in a vanilla relationship plus triggers, flags, fetishes, safe words, head spaces and much more.

A Dominant’s position is not about power - not one bit - it’s about the responsibility that comes with being given control.

We need to be aware that a large percentage of internet and tumblr dominants are nothing more than fantasists, with little, or no real experience.

However, by virtue of the dangerous practices they mindlessly promote, these fantasists pose an equal, or perhaps an even greater threat to those wanting to physically engage with the reality of BDSM, than the, “*few total psychopaths and sadists,” who prey on unsuspecting, or inexperienced sub’s.

Ultimately, a dominant’s power should always come from earned trust and respect. Alarm bells should be going off loud and clear, when encountering a Dominant who demands trust, or respect, as his superior right.

Follow your instinct; “If a dominant feels wrong, he probably is wrong, and is not someone you should be trusting.”

Dave Gregory dgbastide-blog

*With 37 year’s experience of this scene, I’ve met hundreds of responsible Dominants, and personally, only four who I considered a real threat, due to their sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. I don’t know of any empirical research that supports my personal experience.

The problem with “follow your instincts” is that for many subs, it’s their submissive instincts that enable assholes to take advantage of them. And novice subs can easily confuse a warning bell instinct with nervousness at finally getting to serve someone who seems like a dom. Subs want to serve and when they’re first starting out, those instincts can get them into a lot of trouble.

So instead of just following your gut feeling, follow your reason as well. Look for the warning signs:

1) does he seem to respect you, even if he’s talking down or talking rough to you? If not, that’s a warning sign

2) does he seem concerned with your pleasure and your needs? If not, that’s a warning sign

3) does he discuss safety with you—safe words, your limits, your experience level? If not, that’s a warning sign

4) does he intimidate you, or does he scare you? A good dom can often be a little intimidating, but a scary dom is a warning sign

5) does he seem confident, or does he seem needy and demanding? Confidence is usually relaxed and takes obstacles in stride, whereas a bad dom seems fragile and unable to handle obstacles calmly. Brittleness is a warning sign

6) is he seducing you into submitting, or is he trying to brow beat you into submitting? Brow-beating is a warning sign

7) is he willing to wait a few days or weeks until you get comfortable with him, or is he expecting your obedience right from the start? Immediate service is a warning sign

8) does he understand that submission requires him to show he’s trustworthy? If not, that’s a warning sign

One of these signs might just mean he’s still learning his dominance, that he’s a little old-school in his approach, or having an off-day, but several mean he’s probably not a good dom 

Papa Tony:

Powerful, wise advice here. I just wish that more folks understood the distinction between being a bully, and being an Ethical Sir. I’ve done a lot of talking about this for years.

Elephants in Africa

Ivory poachers naturally seek to kill the very largest elephants, because they have the higher-value large tusks. Science has shown that this killing-pattern has a terrible effect upon the surviving elephants. The long memory and wisdom of the elders can make the crucial difference for survival when heavy drought takes the water away,

It also has a devastating effect upon rhino populations. When young male elephants go wild without a guiding elder male nearby, the young male elephants will rape and kill rhinos.

That is an extreme example, but it makes my point: We’ve been hurt as a Tribe by the loss of positive, older role-models to AIDS. The ones who DIDN’T die haven’t exactly been stepping up to be wise Elders who actively help their younger brothers. Too much PTSD.

So, we need to go in a different direction.

(I wrote this next part in summer 2018, before Tumblr melted down - I hope to find out where everybody went AFTER Tumblr):

I’m seeing some very encouraging signs that Tumblr - YEAH, THE PORN SITE - is a great place to find like-minded men. It is where the target demographic hangs out on a regular basis. I never would have guessed that this is the prime real-estate for mentors and advisors. An resource for men who seek a Tribal oasis amidst the distraction and noise of the Internet.

We are starting to find more remaining, visible and ethical Sirs (young, old and in between) to stand together and do some positive role-modeling. Just as everyone is doing here, we can speak of our experiences.

That way, the “Treat Subs Like Shit” porn-fantasy voices are balanced by other, workable and rewarding viewpoints. Wise men of all ages and paths have value, and have much to contribute to newer men who are wise enough to use us as resources.

There ARE visible, lovable, honorable and respectable men among us here, such as @realpowerexchange, @Alexander Martin, @ukstudentalpha, @hadriantemple, @imlostinvertigo, @boysandsirs, @dirtydaddythings, @dgbastide-blog and many, many more that are popping up.

I am very optimistic about the future.