Women in Leather Bars

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I went to the Eagle a few years back with some of my gay male friends and I had on this sweet strapless floral dress. I was told I didn’t belong there by the bouncer, like a warning and then a few patrons. I was disappointed because if they didn’t say anything I would have felt fine but I think I made them uncomfortable. I kind of understand, I wonder if I went back dressed appropriately if I’d be welcomed. Or is this just for gay leather men? I think this is a bar you have mentioned.

It all depends upon who you are with.  If you were clearly with a well-respected local leatherman, and dressed in a rather butch outfit, nobody would chase you away.  Probably.

It’s not YOU, personally, that is a problem.  It’s the fear that you will turn out like so many women who show up in gay leathermen’s few remaining bars.  They show with some NON-leather gay buddy, who has no interest in our culture.  He brings his women-friends from work, so that they can gawk at the leathermen.

They get drunk, and start shrieking.  They go up to strangers and, without asking first, grab ass, pecs or biceps. and make demands for attention.

It’s a fact that gay leather bars can also feature men covertly cocksucking, piss-drinking or much, much more.  A woman in the mix can be an unwitting symbol of a disapproving woman from years past, in a gay man’s mind, so inhibitions turn into anger.  If a woman stays, gawks and judges harshly, then many men will leave.  Or worse. step on their toes on purposeful or spill their drinks on them.  Very passive=-aggressive.

If I am present when this happens, I go into Grumpy Tribal Elder Mode, and give the following lecture.  Obviously, I would NEVER say this to a known, respected kinky woman.  This stern speech is reserved for somebody who doesn’t know or respect the Tribal culture:

This is a Sacred Male Space, and You Are Intruding

“This is not a place for you.  We are not monkeys dancing in a cage for your entertainment.  This is a space that is a refuge for a culture that needs to heal.  We have had a Holocaust, and you haven’t.  Gay men are losing our spaces where we can work on our social graces and flirting techniques, face to face.  You are disrupting our treasured environment.
If men showed up at an all-female space, it would turn into a testicle-clipping party.  You can’t believe in all-female space, if you aren’t ALSO willing to allow for all-male spaces, too. If you want to be a high-quality ally, then do it in a respectful way, somewhere ELSE.”