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Clearly, I need to document my own tale of the work that I have done to intentionally help make the world a safer and better place for generations to come. It’s time.
1975
As I have said before, I didn’t know how to come out as a gay man. I had no role-models, so I came out to my family in a very confrontational way. I am still comfortable with that decision.
This was because I was the very first human being in my entire family’s history to come out of the closet. As things turned out, I paved the way for two lesbian sisters, one gender-fluid niece, and at least one more recently-out niece.
I’m puzzled, though - I am one of ten siblings, with a LOT of nieces and nephews. Statistically-speaking, there should have been a lot more younger folks in my family being open and out by now. It’s a little baffling.
I notice that when a younger relative is ready to come out, it ALWAYS starts with a visit to my home for a sudden, out-of-the-blue “nice weekend visit.” Before the weekend is over, they are asking to be brought to where the queers hang out.
My husband and I get the whole story, and we give our blessings. Then, they start coming out to everyone else.
This Was The Mantra That I Took On From Harvey Milk:
That was the quote that permanently changed my life.
When I came out of the closet as a gay man, I never STOPPED coming out. I never met my hero and role-model, Harvey Milk, but I wanted to BE him. I wanted to YANK our planet further along its axis, to a day when every queer child was safe, loved and appreciated.
My own safety was of no interest to me. Being six foot five, and hardened by an abusive childhood, I could be tough as nails, underneath a very congenial exterior. I carried myself like a security guard… vigilant and perceptive. Folks could see that I wasn’t an easy pushover.
I could master just about any social circumstance, so I went to work, being the Casually and Constantly Openly-Gay Man.
To accomplish this, I used every possible social tactic to come out to every person that I interacted with. Before I figured out the optimal ways to come out, I was somewhat of a “pie in the face” homosexual. By this, I mean that I would come out whether the person in front of me needed to know or not…
“Here is your change, sir!” “Thank you, from a proud gay man!”
If you are younger than I am, it may be hard to picture what the environment was like. Things were a LITTLE bit better in the mid-1970′s than before, but not a lot. There was a very aggressive push-back from folks who hated us, and new laws to harm us were constantly on the ballots. We were visible more and more, and we were facing constant backlash to try and drive us back into shame.
After plenty of practice, I had discovered the perfect way to come out to strangers:
I would look for an excuse to share some happiness.
“I am very happy today.” “Really? Tell me why.” “I just celebrated my anniversary. Want to see a picture of my sweetie?” “Sure! - Oh, my!”
I used THAT technique a LOT during my high school reunion. Given that I had been attached to several high-profile girlfriends back in the day, this was a real shocker for them.
MY personal war was on a one-to-one level. My reasoning (as a very idealistic young man) was to come out to everyone, and after a few years, they would have adjusted their thinking in a permanent way.
The concept of “meeting gay folks” would have settled into their brains as the norm, rather than a freakish, one-time occurrence. I was certain that millions of other bold souls were doing the exact same things. Ehhhh, not so much, at least at first.
But, more and more DID - I was just ahead of the curve. I have talked about being openly gay during the last 2-½ years that I was in the Navy. After I got out, I found my lifetime career as a computer consultant, for nearly 39 years.
I am sliding into retirement nowadays. Up until recently, I had been the highest-rated Certified Apple Consultant on earth for the last nine years. Until I broke off from Apple, I have had more five-star ratings on Apple’s Web site than all of the rest of Southern California, combined.
This means that I have traveled to the homes and businesses of tens of thousands of clients. While working on their networks, hardware and software, I have casually mentioned my boyfriend, or, starting 27 years ago, my husband. Our first of four marriages is documented here.
As far as I know, Dennis and I were the very first ones to powerfully refer to each other as “ my husband,” as opposed to “partner,” “roommate” or “spouse.” It blew a lot of people out of the water hearing the phrase “my husband” from a huge, deep-voiced male. Lots of stammering responses. Lots of rapid blinking. Requests for a repeat of what I had just said.
I always had the attitude that they were delightful, open-minded people, and were glad to know me better. Most rose to the occasion. If they weren’t pleased, that was fine, too.
I have NO doubt that this has cut into my income in some invisible way… Never being called back, or lack of referral to other clients. Whatever. I have never cared, nor have I regretted what I did along the way. I would do it all again, if I was given the choice.
I have been a man on a mission to make the world safer for LGBTQ+ folks, and if it meant that I wasn’t ever going to be wealthier, then that was just fine. I was living the open, unapologetic life that I gladly chose.
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