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Well my question is about my master feelings I am 54 old always master, gay for 40 years. But I was married and got 5 children. My wife died few years ago and the children are old now. So I live my sexual life freely. I found a young guy who is a faggot but I need to transform him into someone stronger. And I m addicted of his dick and his cum… And I m ready to be a sub (few minutes) for him to try to build a better balanced relation… Do you think it would be the way?
Papa Tony:
I can’t imagine why not? In my life, I have heard from many, many strong, well-known, powerful and dominant men who feel boxed-in by what they perceive as the expectations of others. They are SO well-known for their Dom ways, they never can get around to expressing their OTHER desires.
This is a terrible shame. As I have said elsewhere, the pendulum of a man’s full experience needs to swing freely, if he is going to be healthy.
If there is one damn thing that I have learned as a man who went through the flames of the AIDS holocaust:
Tomorrow is Promised to No One
Life is random. The future pivots on a single moment. Go for the gold, because you may never have the chance again. I can tell you as an older man - The years go by really fast.
In my younger days, I was a “precocious” gay leatherman, Dom and kinkster. Young, actively kinky men like me used to be pretty rare. In the days before the Internet, probably 90% of gay men made the transition between WEARING leather (”Ooooh! This looks good on me”), and LIVING leather (being kinky) at around age 40 or so.
This is because they had started to see gray hairs and sagging muscles. Men hitting Middle Age suddenly have the clear knowledge that they need to make use of whatever they have left of the Young and Pretty, and as soon as possible. They can see the day coming when heads turn when they walk into a room, and then look away.
Some folks reach this age early - Usually, the ones who seek greater understanding of the world. Other men hit it much later than age 40. Surprisingly, I have found that the more that a man can still pretend to be in direct competition with the younger males, the later that he hits the wall and has to change direction. Hence, you will see truly older men who dye their hair, and pump serious iron at the gym, long after their bodies disagree with the plan. They still hit the wall head-on, when it is their turn.
“Mid-Life Crisis” = Heterosexual Viewpoint
The moment that males (ALL males) get hair on our balls, we strive to fit in. Run with the pack. That is why bullying kicks in so hard during the Junior High years. We try our hardest to fit in. We withhold uncomfortable truths about our selves, in order to get by. Nobody wants to be shunned, or attacked for being different.
Then, when the wrinkles and aching joints start to show up, we go through a natural male passage, that the larger society calls “Mid-Life Crisis.” Sure, it’s a definite crisis for a long-married straight man with a wife and kids to start dating a 17-year old, and to suddenly get that red convertible. The nest needs to be defended.
As men who have sex with men, then it’s somewhat different. Yes, a long-term male-male relationship can collapse when one man goes through a sudden change of perspective. I have also seen plenty of gay couples power on through the changes by making new agreements with each other, and carrying onward together for many more years.
Getting To The Other Side Of Mid-Life Crisis
The problem with Mid-Life Crisis is that it is SCARY to go through. I’ve mentored at least 100 men through this natural life-passage, including my oldest brother. I’ve given them certain tips:
• Avoid making any solid, life-changing decisions when the impulse hits you. Set a date, several months in the future, when it’s definitely time to start making plans that can affect those around you. Take some conscious time off to do some navel-gazing, processing and seeking assistance and advice.
• There no better time for you to take some inventory. You’ve had plenty of time to establish what your strengths and weaknesses are. Now get a better sense of your hardwired nature by taking the personality test, and then searching the Internet for more information about your personality-type. It can provide a desperately-needed foundation that you can stand upon, going forward.
• Get away from distractions for an afternoon. Bring nothing but a notepad and a pen. Sit under a tree, away from distractions, and just write whatever the fuck comes up. No editing. No second-guessing. It’s a way to let your subconscious mind express what it has been trying to say for a while. Don’t shut it down. There are some rich new insights, and you may be shocked at what insights arrive unexpectedly.
• Find role-models who have been through this before you. They can reassure you that you aren’t irretrievably broken. It truly is just a phase. A thoroughly natural one.
• The more that you DEAL with this phase in an active way, the sooner it will be over. You don’t want to resist the process, and “skid” along in a miserable fashion, for years.
• The stress that you are going through is because you are confronted with infinite choices in your life, after having had such sweet and consistent dependability. The feeling is like being in a magnetic storm, and your compass needle is wildly spinning. It will pass. I promise. It will pass.
• The best choice is to publicly admit what is going on, and to limit the doubts and fears of the ones around you that you aren’t freaking out. You are just going through a powerful period of reassessment. It is your birthright.
• Reassure your sweetie/partner/whatever that you are committed to coming out on the other side of this phase, STILL TOGETHER with them. This is a great idea. Don’t make any rash moves until you are SURE that you want to throw away your existing support. Don’t burn any bridge that you may need when you come out on the other side.
• As men who have sex and enjoy kinky pleasures with other men, we have more choices than our hetero brothers. Society hasn’t spent so much time potty-training us on how WE should behave. So, the new agreements between you and your significant other can be whatever the hell is true for the two of you. I have seen every kind of male-male relationship. Monogamy is simply not a big fucking deal, for successful long-term gay-male relationships.
In your own case, I am not surprised that this other side of you is emerging now. You finally have freedom from society’s strictures, and you want to enjoy ALL aspects of the Dom/sub scene. I wish you big success in your dreams, brother.
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