Courtesy at a Men’s Play Party

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I’ve recently attended my first men’s BDSM play party. I took one of my boys and we had a great whipping scene, so I wasn’t actively looking to expand my play. But my question - a broad one - is how does one navigate such events? Surely there are some good general principles about being properly mannerly, making your interests known, getting/handling consent, and such subjects that would be useful to cover.

Papa Tony:

Thank you! I am delighted to hear from you. Thanks for reaching out.

I have attended over 400 gay-male play parties over the decades since 1975. A majority of them have been kinky by design. Here are some tips to clarify things for you:

Read the Paperwork

If it is a large, formalized event, with payment at the door, there is paperwork (”Initial here and here, and sign and date here…” They are making you read and sign these pages for very practical reasons.

They are saying, very clearly, what their rules are. These rules are meant to protect everybody from legal liability or arrest. The stern warnings are in there to prevent repeats of bad experiences in the past. So, sit your ass down, and read every word of it. This will prevent awkward and embarrassing lectures (or expulsion) later on.

Character Counts

The kinky community is credibility-based. I have never attended ANY play-party that wasn’t ethically-run. Those dungeon-monitors, strolling around with orange vests on? Their entire purpose in being there is to make sure that everybody plays nicely.

These DM’s choose not to be in the mix, having play-time during their shifts, because they are THAT dedicated to providing a safe space. This is noble and needed. Be sure to thank them for their contribution. Volunteers aren’t necessarily helping-out for the sake of a “thank you,” but they sure as hell aren’t doing it for a “fuck you.”

Go Ahead And Be Shy, At First

It is entirely normal to arrive at a new situation, where there are protocols that are unfamiliar to you, and new signals are flying around that you don’t understand. A humble, kindly Sir asks “Who is in charge here?” and then asks those leaders for help in fitting in. In those words.

The goal is to end up “on the inside.” Clearly, you are an ethical Sir, otherwise you wouldn’t even think of asking for assistance. Good-hearted, honest and open men are the ones who rise to the top of the Guest List, and very quickly. Here is why:

Folks who do leadership stuff, creating events for the enjoyment of others, tend to have big hearts. They may get some bucks from throwing big, blue-ribbon parties, but they would probably do the same things even if it DIDN’T get them laid more, or paid more.

Someone who comes from a kind-hearted viewpoint is going to be the first one getting invited back. As I have said before: “Strength” is more attractive than “Force.” Just because we are kinky doesn’t make us less amenable to courteous and kind folks. Just the opposite.

A Good Example

A few years back, an older buddy urged me to attend a KUF (”Kink Under Forty”) play-party while I was in San Francisco. I reminded him that neither of us was under forty, but he assured me that we would be welcome.

We arrived, and nobody knew us. In fact, nobody came anywhere near us, at first. I was feeling shy, and I made up my mind to do something about it. I asked “Who is in charge?” and was pointed to a man and his buddy. I introduced myself, and made a request:

“i am feeling shy. I want to play, and bring a lot of pleasure here. I have found that all that I usually need is one willing play-partner for a flogging scene. Folks will watch, and they will see how good I am. Then, I will have plenty of play-partners. Can you recommend anyone for me to start with?”

The organizer pointed at his buddy, and said “He’s a slut - Have fun!” He was, and we did. During that scene, a HANDSOME 23-year-old came up and asked if he could stand nearby and watch. “I’ve always wanted to learn from somebody who knew what he was doing!”

How could I ever say no? After the scene, he had plenty of questions, and of course, I was patient and informative. I sent him the link to my instructional video, and he is now a celebrated Impact Play Top in his city.

After that, I got mobbed by eager subs who wanted to evaluate my skills up close and personal. I was on the inside.

Kinky Consent

There are folks who have written much, much better articles than I could ever conceive, on the topic of consent. I urge you to read them. They are out there in quantity.

I need to bring up a cranky dissent:

I assert that the reason why gay men almost NEVER show up at pansexual play-parties is because there are at least fifteen hidden, mysterious levels of consent that don’t have any equivalent in the gay-male scene.

Heterosexual folks have big, valid reasons why this is so. They have to worry about vengeful people trying to take their children away from them, or otherwise ruining their lives. So, they hide behind “scene names”” such as “Lady Endora” or “Switcherbeast.” Coming out as kinky generally doesn’t enter the conversation as a worthwhile concept.

The Sexual Harassment Issue

Women have had problems from aggressive males for their entire lives, in ways that males can’t relate to, or perceive. All of this requires patience and understanding, but the ornateness of the spoken, written and unspoken rules can be unsettling.

If I had my way, we would all be psychic, so that we could all KNOW who the best folks are, right from the start. That hasn’t happened yet, so we have to start out by being humble, and non-threatening, and make plans for the long-term.

If you keep showing up and asking questions, then all will be made clear. It’s to everybody’s advantage to have new faces and new excitement from unexpected sources. New talent keeps things SPICY and lively.