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Anonymous asked: I’m a young male (early 20’s), in my personal and work life in very dominant, workout a lot, pretty well built, and masculine over all. But I love submitting and being fucked and used by men of all kinds, as long as their cocks are satisfied. I love and hate this about myself. But I find after serving tops and doms I’m extremely ashamed. I feel like I’m a weak man and that I’m worthless afterwards. Aftercare isn’t an issue but I don’t know what to do.Alexander Martin:
I feel that in every other aspect of life I’m an alpha male or at least feel and act like one, but once I’m in front of another man who wants me I’m completely submissive. I love it, I love being used by a man and pleasuring him, being his slut. But afterwards I’m extremely conflicted and ashamed, and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m not a real man.”
I’m going to take some of the points in your message that stand out to me:
I feel that in every other aspect of life I’m an alpha male or at least feel and act like one
in my personal and work life in very dominant, workout a lot, pretty well built, and masculine over all.
I love submitting and being fucked and used by men. I love and hate this about myself.
I’m extremely conflicted and ashamed, and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m not a real man.
I’m extremely ashamed. I feel like I’m a weak man and that I’m worthless afterwards.
Let’s start with that first and second bullet points. You might be surprised to hear this, but what you mean when you say “alpha” and what anyone else says varies. Perhaps you mean that you present in a traditionally masculine fashion, with traditionally masculine interests, and your traditional masculinity is recognized, lauded and celebrated by those around you. Since you’re writing a kink blog for advice, you might even mean you feel dominant in that way outside of the bedroom.
If any of that is true… Well, let’s recognize that as a person with BDSM interests we’re already a departure of the norm. And doubly so for being gay. In day to day life, there are moments when I too have to be dominant and submissive in regular social interactions. I have to submit to my boss’ decisions, and I am dominant in a restaurant when ordering food. Even though I submit to social authority, that in no way dampens the dominance I feel in any other situation. So, what makes me a dominant then? It’s who I am if left to my own devices. I will decide any decision that needs making and my sex has always tended towards aggression and getting my way. In this same way, you are a submissive on the inside.
Looking at the third point. You even admit you love being fucked and used by men. The nature of the conflict is in who you think you’re supposed to be to be respected, and who you are on the inside. Perhaps you don’t see the strength in submission either for that matter. Do you know how lucky you are as a man (and yes you are very much a man my friend) to have found your bliss? I have known men (my father being one of them) who never truly found what they most enjoyed in the world and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Now that you’ve found it embrace it with all your heart. Be the very best submissive you can be! It will pay dividends when you stand beside a strong man who chose you as your own only when you chose him first. Someone who will make you weak in the knees and your cock gush like old faithful.
The fourth point. Your conflict likely stems from external validation you’ve received lifelong from being a masculine good-looking guy versus a new discovery about yourself. You’re afraid you’ll lose that external validation by being yourself. I gotta tell you though, as good as it feels to receive external validation, you need to have a balance. The strength within to feel assured in who you are by being in touch with that beautiful submissive soul on the inside, so that you can stand strong when you aren’t receiving the validation from the outside. I don’t know if your family or friends would approve of who you are but, in a way, it really doesn’t matter. We can’t change who we are. If we could I fear there would be a great many less submissives in the world and that would be a blow to the fabric of our community we dominants could not sustain. Find the courage to be boldly you.
Fifth point. As a submissive, you are a vital part of BDSM dominants cannot BE the amazing men they are without you to put their focus upon. How many people can say that they trust another so much as to allow themselves to be bound and believe in that dominant to care for you while using you for his pleasure? It takes a great deal of faith, trust, and inner strength to embrace the exhilaration of letting go.
In reading and answering these points I think you may feel a bit like an impostor. You present as a strong masculine man that anyone should want to be, but inside you are born to submit to men and you view those at odds. The truth is, both of those aspects are you to some extent or another. You couldn’t keep up the facade of being who you are for too terribly long. Either you would grow weary of the facade or you’d slip up. When you came out, it was to be yourself and not have to hide it any more. If… you can’t be yourself now… why did you come out at all? You can’t BE an impostor if all you’re trying to be is you. Don’t ever let anyone else define who you are. But if someone tells you about yourself and it feels like the truth… it is.
I sincerely hope that you were able to read through this beginning to end and find comfort in what I wrote. I hope that you’re able to come to peace with who you are and embrace the multifaceted and beautifully complex person that you are. It’s a shame to dull who you are for people that can’t appreciate you in your entirety. Best of luck. Let me know how life’s going.
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